I wanted to mention this, because I completely forgot -
When I called the specialist, his nurse told me they would prescribe progesterone once I had a confirmed pregnancy at 8 weeks. (I know we've discussed why this doesn't make sense.)
When I called my OB, she said they wanted to do a blood test, and if my progesterone was low they'd prescribe it. I am taking progesterone from the last pregnancy anyways, so it's not going to be low, and I told the nurse that.
Be your own advocate. I have not read anywhere that progesterone early can hurt the baby, it only helps the lining, and while I'm no doctor, and do your own research (seriously) my advice is to be your own advocate.
That's all!
-Em
Tuesday, December 29, 2015
Two days from a New Year, and I couldn't be happier
Out with the old, in with the new.
I have never before felt that was so much my mantra as I have this year. 2015 was a turbulent and not quite wonderful year for our family. The fact that we are just two days away from 2016 - a "9" year, which my friend who is into astrology says is a wonderful thing because it means positive change and in tarot it means energy of attainment and renewal ... (not that I believe in that stuff, per se... ;) - a year of change sounds really great. Positive change. I can feel it, I can feel the past year sloughing away as we slide into 2016.
The energy seems to be all around us. I know many, many people who are quite ready for the countdown to Midnight January 1st, 2016. This year was full of trials, tribulations, challenges, growth, and awakenings. I think we will carry these teachings into the new year.
Anyways, I just wanted to check in and let you know how things are progressing, because apparently things are progressing. So much so that I have joined the "August 2016 Birth Club" on BabyCenter. That's brave, bold, and unexpected. But I love hearing stories from pregnant women due in August, like us, who are unaffected by loss and sadness. They are excited--posting pictures of their ultrasounds and planning when to have a baby shower, and discussing what they want to eat. As much as I love my support groups, and plan to stay active with them, I do enjoy the less ominous feel I get from these new or second, third, fourth time moms who may have experienced loss, but are looking positively towards the future.
So I have decided to try to stay as positive as possible, and just be happy with whatever outcome we have. Because I have learned that "que sera, sera" and what will be, will be.
Our unoffiical due date would be August 26, 2016. I love that number, so many loops! 9-26-16.
I am currently so hungry I could eat multiple cows a day. I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop and get sick. I woke up slightly nauseous at 3 AM today, but nothing came of it. Though, my last pregnancy I was hardly ever sick. Just occasionally in the afternoon my stomach would turn. Last time I hated sweets, and I am still not into chocolate, but last night for dinner I wanted a McFlurry. Just a McFlurry. So that is different.
I have a doctor's appointment scheduled for January 13th at 10:15AM with Doctor W. this would be 7 weeks, 5 days along, which means we should get a heartbeat, image of the baby, and dating. Assuming she does an US, but after our last experience, I have a feeling she will if she can. If not, we'll schedule an ultrasound for 8 weeks (see, I think we'll just do it).
I guess, until then, we'll just keep doing what we're doing and staying positive. So far, there has been no spotting, and I do not have that wonky pain on my left side that I had the entire time with our angel baby. I actually don't hardly feel anything at all, except hungry and exhausted (i.e. going to bed at 7:30pm). And the constant peeing and thirst. But honestly, not much else. I am also taking this as a good sign.
I checked my calendar, and last time I visited the doctor in a panic on June 11, when I was 7 weeks, 2 days. I had been spotting and uncomfortable, and knew something was wrong. That was when she found the hematoma. And I had kept bleeding consistently since then. I already feel better about this. And even if there is no baby, or it's chemical, or even if I lose it this week or next, at least we know that we are capable of getting pregnant again (um, rather easily... as my husband would point out). So that is all positive, and I feel good. I feel like, for the first time in a while, that I could possibly be capable of doing this. Although 9 months seems like an excruciatingly long time for my body to behave, I have hope. I have faith. And I have love. And I am praying that we can make it through this.
Also, we put our deposit down on a puppy, so I will have a squishy, fat, puppy nugget to squeeze regardless of what happens. ;)
-Emily
I have never before felt that was so much my mantra as I have this year. 2015 was a turbulent and not quite wonderful year for our family. The fact that we are just two days away from 2016 - a "9" year, which my friend who is into astrology says is a wonderful thing because it means positive change and in tarot it means energy of attainment and renewal ... (not that I believe in that stuff, per se... ;) - a year of change sounds really great. Positive change. I can feel it, I can feel the past year sloughing away as we slide into 2016.
The energy seems to be all around us. I know many, many people who are quite ready for the countdown to Midnight January 1st, 2016. This year was full of trials, tribulations, challenges, growth, and awakenings. I think we will carry these teachings into the new year.
Anyways, I just wanted to check in and let you know how things are progressing, because apparently things are progressing. So much so that I have joined the "August 2016 Birth Club" on BabyCenter. That's brave, bold, and unexpected. But I love hearing stories from pregnant women due in August, like us, who are unaffected by loss and sadness. They are excited--posting pictures of their ultrasounds and planning when to have a baby shower, and discussing what they want to eat. As much as I love my support groups, and plan to stay active with them, I do enjoy the less ominous feel I get from these new or second, third, fourth time moms who may have experienced loss, but are looking positively towards the future.
So I have decided to try to stay as positive as possible, and just be happy with whatever outcome we have. Because I have learned that "que sera, sera" and what will be, will be.
Our unoffiical due date would be August 26, 2016. I love that number, so many loops! 9-26-16.
I am currently so hungry I could eat multiple cows a day. I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop and get sick. I woke up slightly nauseous at 3 AM today, but nothing came of it. Though, my last pregnancy I was hardly ever sick. Just occasionally in the afternoon my stomach would turn. Last time I hated sweets, and I am still not into chocolate, but last night for dinner I wanted a McFlurry. Just a McFlurry. So that is different.
I have a doctor's appointment scheduled for January 13th at 10:15AM with Doctor W. this would be 7 weeks, 5 days along, which means we should get a heartbeat, image of the baby, and dating. Assuming she does an US, but after our last experience, I have a feeling she will if she can. If not, we'll schedule an ultrasound for 8 weeks (see, I think we'll just do it).
I guess, until then, we'll just keep doing what we're doing and staying positive. So far, there has been no spotting, and I do not have that wonky pain on my left side that I had the entire time with our angel baby. I actually don't hardly feel anything at all, except hungry and exhausted (i.e. going to bed at 7:30pm). And the constant peeing and thirst. But honestly, not much else. I am also taking this as a good sign.
I checked my calendar, and last time I visited the doctor in a panic on June 11, when I was 7 weeks, 2 days. I had been spotting and uncomfortable, and knew something was wrong. That was when she found the hematoma. And I had kept bleeding consistently since then. I already feel better about this. And even if there is no baby, or it's chemical, or even if I lose it this week or next, at least we know that we are capable of getting pregnant again (um, rather easily... as my husband would point out). So that is all positive, and I feel good. I feel like, for the first time in a while, that I could possibly be capable of doing this. Although 9 months seems like an excruciatingly long time for my body to behave, I have hope. I have faith. And I have love. And I am praying that we can make it through this.
Also, we put our deposit down on a puppy, so I will have a squishy, fat, puppy nugget to squeeze regardless of what happens. ;)
-Emily
Tuesday, December 22, 2015
I'm so FRIGGIN ANNOYED.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
- Vent -
Can I just start off with that?
That is how I feel today. This week. I am so beyond annoyed. What is the next best word? Hang on, I'll go look it up... exacerbated. I am exacerbated.
Work is ... not going as planned. We are extremely busy, NO ONE is in the holiday spirit, and I didn't take any time off of work, so I honestly don't know when I'll be getting my Christmas stuff done. I guess after work. We usually slow down around this time of year, but I honestly feel like it's ramping up somehow.
This morning I was awake at four, and after fighting with my greasy hair (thanks to a new shampoo I tried---it was a FAIL), not finding work clothes, and struggling to get makeup on, I left home in the dark to head to our old apartment because my husband's custom-made gift was sitting on the porch and honestly, it isn't the nicest of neighborhoods to leave packages out on the front porch unattended (in the move, some mail is still going to the old place).
I am hungry. I am soo tired. I have so much to do before Thursday, and the frustrating part is that it's stuff I WANT to do. So it's not like saying "I'm not going to do it" is really an option.
And, last night my husband convinced me we could have sex, which I've been saying no to until we know what is going on in my uterus, and instead of being strong, I said yes, and I woke up this morning to really tight cramping. Almost exactly like how I felt the day before I miscarried.
I know that sex won't CAUSE a subchorionic hematoma, or even a miscarriage, but since everytime we had sex last time I would bleed, now I am just basically terrified of it. So I am also very mad that I gave in and possibly harmed the fetus. And I'm VERY VERY VERY flustered.
The hormones on top of anxiety on top of Christmas on top of an apathetic husband (he probably ISN'T apathetic, but I feellike he is) I am just.... AOInoeifnfmwsoijojoiSSOIJGOEGMWOEIGMSDGIOm. AHH.
Done. I am done. I want to go home and sleep and not think about anything. I don't want to be at work. I wish I had taken time off around the holidays. I know I'm using my vacation for Ireland, but I'm so crampy, tired, in pain, and EXASPERATED that I just feel like the Grinch and I am hateful of all things.
*hooray hormones*
- End Vent. -
-Emily
- Vent -
Can I just start off with that?
That is how I feel today. This week. I am so beyond annoyed. What is the next best word? Hang on, I'll go look it up... exacerbated. I am exacerbated.
Work is ... not going as planned. We are extremely busy, NO ONE is in the holiday spirit, and I didn't take any time off of work, so I honestly don't know when I'll be getting my Christmas stuff done. I guess after work. We usually slow down around this time of year, but I honestly feel like it's ramping up somehow.
This morning I was awake at four, and after fighting with my greasy hair (thanks to a new shampoo I tried---it was a FAIL), not finding work clothes, and struggling to get makeup on, I left home in the dark to head to our old apartment because my husband's custom-made gift was sitting on the porch and honestly, it isn't the nicest of neighborhoods to leave packages out on the front porch unattended (in the move, some mail is still going to the old place).
I am hungry. I am soo tired. I have so much to do before Thursday, and the frustrating part is that it's stuff I WANT to do. So it's not like saying "I'm not going to do it" is really an option.
And, last night my husband convinced me we could have sex, which I've been saying no to until we know what is going on in my uterus, and instead of being strong, I said yes, and I woke up this morning to really tight cramping. Almost exactly like how I felt the day before I miscarried.
I know that sex won't CAUSE a subchorionic hematoma, or even a miscarriage, but since everytime we had sex last time I would bleed, now I am just basically terrified of it. So I am also very mad that I gave in and possibly harmed the fetus. And I'm VERY VERY VERY flustered.
The hormones on top of anxiety on top of Christmas on top of an apathetic husband (he probably ISN'T apathetic, but I feellike he is) I am just.... AOInoeifnfmwsoijojoiSSOIJGOEGMWOEIGMSDGIOm. AHH.
Done. I am done. I want to go home and sleep and not think about anything. I don't want to be at work. I wish I had taken time off around the holidays. I know I'm using my vacation for Ireland, but I'm so crampy, tired, in pain, and EXASPERATED that I just feel like the Grinch and I am hateful of all things.
*hooray hormones*
- End Vent. -
-Emily
Monday, December 21, 2015
Deck the halls with bows of holly, falalalala....
Christmas week is here, and there is pep in my step!
We are officially in our new house, and yes, there are a TON of things to do, and yes, I might have overdone it this weekend, but I don't even care because every little project makes a huge difference. I insulated all of the windows in the nursery (which is essentially a sun room). I insulated one window over the couch, and I an already feel a huge difference. I also cleaned the cabinets and put on new knobs (my husband thought that was a silly project, but it makes me happy and I feel ownership, and love putting my own taste into the place). We also realized that all of the fixtures (lighting, shower, sink, faucets) are in brushed nickel -- which makes sense with the coloring of the house, which is white and cream and black. But the door handles are ALL gold. So we're going to try to paint/stain them a new color instead of buying all new door handles. Since they are expensive. But that is a later project.
We have internet now (hooray!) the bug people are coming Wednesday, and the duct cleaners will be there today. And then the plumber and then after that I think we can manage the rest of the winter on our own.
I will say though, it's CRAZY expensive. I feel like we're dropping $100 dollar payments like it ain't no thang.
Anyways, on to the more relevant topic-this pregnancy!
The lines are now SUPER dark, and a CLEAR positive! Friday night after we moved (when I really did overdo it) I had some achey pain in my uterus and had a little spotting. Since then, no spotting, though I am still wearing a pad just in case (remnants of the last pregnancy fear). The weirdest thing about this pregnancy is that I don't really FEEL anything. Last time I felt pain, and it felt uncomfortable. But I just feel normal, except for sore nipples and after about two hours I get extremely tired and have to sit down. Oh, and I am constantly hungry, but that could just be because I love food.
So it's strange to have no 'pregnancy' feelings aside from knowing it's happening. I think that is a very very good sign. I am praying it is. I will be taking my little tooshie to church on Sundays with my friend and going to the Lord's house to send up every prayer I can think of to get us through these next nine months.
To be perfectly honest, I don't think it's real yet. I still feel like it is not happening. Like it's chemical, or a blighted ovum. And I Guess it could be, but that is probably, again, leftover anxiety from last time. So I will be scheduling a trip to the OB before our trip to Ireland.
Also, I keep hearing about a particular local doctor. He is a specialist, and I've now had 4 separate people recommend him to me completely randomly. So I think we need to listen to those signs and go see him. I feel absolutely terrible leaving my current OB, but like one of my friend's said, it's not about hurting feelings, it's about ensuring the best future for your baby. So today I'm going to schedule an appointment with this doctor and we'll just take it a day at a time and go from there.
Life certainly is a crazy place. How quickly it changes. How much hope, fear, love, and confusion can intertwine to create your day, month, or year. I am not going to lie, with the struggles we faced in the past year,I am a stronger person. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, but I have learned so much about myself and life and I am grateful that I am learning, and a stronger person for it.
All the love to you, dear reader.
-Emily
p.s. tonight I will post the test strips progession
We are officially in our new house, and yes, there are a TON of things to do, and yes, I might have overdone it this weekend, but I don't even care because every little project makes a huge difference. I insulated all of the windows in the nursery (which is essentially a sun room). I insulated one window over the couch, and I an already feel a huge difference. I also cleaned the cabinets and put on new knobs (my husband thought that was a silly project, but it makes me happy and I feel ownership, and love putting my own taste into the place). We also realized that all of the fixtures (lighting, shower, sink, faucets) are in brushed nickel -- which makes sense with the coloring of the house, which is white and cream and black. But the door handles are ALL gold. So we're going to try to paint/stain them a new color instead of buying all new door handles. Since they are expensive. But that is a later project.
We have internet now (hooray!) the bug people are coming Wednesday, and the duct cleaners will be there today. And then the plumber and then after that I think we can manage the rest of the winter on our own.
I will say though, it's CRAZY expensive. I feel like we're dropping $100 dollar payments like it ain't no thang.
Anyways, on to the more relevant topic-this pregnancy!
The lines are now SUPER dark, and a CLEAR positive! Friday night after we moved (when I really did overdo it) I had some achey pain in my uterus and had a little spotting. Since then, no spotting, though I am still wearing a pad just in case (remnants of the last pregnancy fear). The weirdest thing about this pregnancy is that I don't really FEEL anything. Last time I felt pain, and it felt uncomfortable. But I just feel normal, except for sore nipples and after about two hours I get extremely tired and have to sit down. Oh, and I am constantly hungry, but that could just be because I love food.
So it's strange to have no 'pregnancy' feelings aside from knowing it's happening. I think that is a very very good sign. I am praying it is. I will be taking my little tooshie to church on Sundays with my friend and going to the Lord's house to send up every prayer I can think of to get us through these next nine months.
To be perfectly honest, I don't think it's real yet. I still feel like it is not happening. Like it's chemical, or a blighted ovum. And I Guess it could be, but that is probably, again, leftover anxiety from last time. So I will be scheduling a trip to the OB before our trip to Ireland.
Also, I keep hearing about a particular local doctor. He is a specialist, and I've now had 4 separate people recommend him to me completely randomly. So I think we need to listen to those signs and go see him. I feel absolutely terrible leaving my current OB, but like one of my friend's said, it's not about hurting feelings, it's about ensuring the best future for your baby. So today I'm going to schedule an appointment with this doctor and we'll just take it a day at a time and go from there.
Life certainly is a crazy place. How quickly it changes. How much hope, fear, love, and confusion can intertwine to create your day, month, or year. I am not going to lie, with the struggles we faced in the past year,I am a stronger person. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, but I have learned so much about myself and life and I am grateful that I am learning, and a stronger person for it.
All the love to you, dear reader.
-Emily
p.s. tonight I will post the test strips progession
Thursday, December 17, 2015
Not getting darker, but not bleeding
So today is supposed to be the latest day possible my period would start. After today, I would officially be "late". Strangely, the tests are not getting any darker, but I did switch to a different brand.
Regardless, the lines aren't darkening, but I haven't started bleeding.
So we will see how the rest of the week goes. I will keep you updated
Today I ordered a peppermint white mocha frappucino as a my "Friday treat" (tomorrow I am off work). But halfway through I realized it's probably time to cut back on caffeine... and probably do the recommended paleo/less carb eating that I read would help women with food allergies while pregnant.
Send every prayer you can that this baby is sticky, that it has burrowed itself in and there is no hematoma growing, and that we have a VERY boring nine months ahead of us.
I'm also going to share a text I got from my husband, because it so sums up how we feel after our last loss:
I was looking at our stuff. and some of it I love. Like, I'd hate losing my Magic cards, or our Corelle plates or our cuddle pillows.
But fuck. All I want is our new house, and you, and the baby turning you into a house. I'd happily sleep on the floor in a nest we own forever.
We have all the love. I've never felt so much love before in my life. And while it was hard getting to this point, and this much love seems to be born out of so much grief and loss, I feel it. I feel that the more positive we are, the better life is.
Life is good. Not always happy. But good.
-Emily
Wednesday, December 16, 2015
I'm seeing double
So this happened:
I.N.S.A.N.E.
I cannot believe it. The odds were so slim--my husband is NEVER going to let me live it down! LOL This also explains all the emotions I've been feeling.
So we are one day out from my period, which means we are still EXTREMELY early to be having any kind of feelings about this. Especially since the test this morning was slightly lighter than yesterday, and my temp dropped a 1/10th of a degree.
That being said, if we make it through to the weekend with no bleeding, I guess it is time to start believing this might be happening. Whoa. I am literally blown away....
Going to keep doing tests and see how the lines are darkening. Today I added back in:
Cinnamon, Vitamin K, Vitamin E, and Vinegar (with "The Mother"). Also still taking Vitex. Starting back on my progesterone (after a three day lapse... i hope that didn't hurt things too much :( ) and still on the Prenatals with Folate....
I'm still in shock, and I still don't believe it's true... but my bladder believes it's true because I have been up to pee at 3 AM every night this week. And my lady nips are SORE. So... yea.
What the what.
-Emily
 |
| The not-so-faint but still pretty faint positive |
I.N.S.A.N.E.
I cannot believe it. The odds were so slim--my husband is NEVER going to let me live it down! LOL This also explains all the emotions I've been feeling.
So we are one day out from my period, which means we are still EXTREMELY early to be having any kind of feelings about this. Especially since the test this morning was slightly lighter than yesterday, and my temp dropped a 1/10th of a degree.
That being said, if we make it through to the weekend with no bleeding, I guess it is time to start believing this might be happening. Whoa. I am literally blown away....
Going to keep doing tests and see how the lines are darkening. Today I added back in:
Cinnamon, Vitamin K, Vitamin E, and Vinegar (with "The Mother"). Also still taking Vitex. Starting back on my progesterone (after a three day lapse... i hope that didn't hurt things too much :( ) and still on the Prenatals with Folate....
I'm still in shock, and I still don't believe it's true... but my bladder believes it's true because I have been up to pee at 3 AM every night this week. And my lady nips are SORE. So... yea.
What the what.
-Emily
Monday, December 14, 2015
Holiday Blues :(
Friday was an interesting day. Friday was a day that I think I might have hit rock bottom in my life - physically, emotionally, financially.
With the buying of the house, we are reassessing our finances, and I am seeing just how much money I have spent over the past three months trying to fill the void in my womb with... "stuff". Skirts, clothes, trips, chairs, furniture, food, anything that isn't baby-focused, I am buying it. We are so in debt right now. It adds up so quickly--doctor bills, medical bills, house assessments, inspections... it all went on the credit card as we saved money to pay for the house.
So, we are in debt, it's Christmas, our monthly payments are about to double, and we planned this trip to Ireland on a lark, that now we are mostly just dreading because we have to pay for it. I feel sick to my stomach.
Speaking of stomachs, I am eating like a cow. I mean, just filling my stomach until it is tight and then stretches out again.I'm always hungry, and I've now peaked at 300 lbs .... I am back down to 296, but "down to 296" doesn't really seem like a positive set of words to me.
The Chris Powell plan I was doing worked really well, but then my 'accountability partner' never started, so I was on my own, and of course the machine took back over. I am hoping to start it again once I am positive we are not pregnant again. (torque and jumping around with a potential pregnancy seems dangerous since hematomas are so questionable, i am just trying to stay calm and low-key).
Anyways, Friday I realized I should be 8 months pregnant. I should be huge, with a big belly, and everyone taking bets on what day I am due. But instead I made a massive mistake at work that cost us a lot of money, my husband and I are constantly on edge with each other, and I feel so utterly worthless as a woman as I am reliving the events of July 31st with vivid clarity.
Nothing I do seems successful. I am seeing myself as a total failure. Apparently a side effect of progesterone is "worry" and "depression" and I can say that I have definitely felt those emotions amp up. But it could also be the holiday season. Everyone I know (I know that is hyperbole, but since I am 27 and most of my friends are just now married/newlyweds, it's not far off) is pregnant or posting their one-month-old baby pictures. So Friday night I was an utter mess. The sobbing--it was the raking, choking, whole body shaking sobbing--from July. I felt utter despair. I was lost. I am lost. I am spinning my wheels. My brain is officially burning more calories worrying and thinking about things than my body is working out. The calm I found over the past few months of controlling my food and exercising daily is gone and replaced with what I can only describe as the "worst version of Emily" I have ever seen.
I have also been taking pregnancy tests like a crazy maniac. They are, of course, all negative. Not only was it too soon, but we also missed the most fertile window, and the odds are so slim. That being said, my BBT (which should be dropping dramatically as we head into AF time) is rising steadily, and it is as high as it was when I was pregnant. So I am confused, and hopeful, and scared, and concerned that I'm not doing the right thing. Then add on house stress, and the weight gain.
I don't know. I am just so unhappy with how weak I feel. My husband did not marry this woman. I was not obsessed with babies, and I certainly didn't weigh 300 lbs when we met. And I don't think I'd like myself if I met me. But it seems so hard to change. So hard to get my mind back on track. How do I get it to stop careening down a path to self destruction?
I guess all we can do is try harder, and stop worrying about a. what other people think and b. about failing. That is all I can do. I want to pull myself out of this hole, but it is quite dark and quiet and cozy down here. So I might just leave myself here until Christmas has passed.
-Emily
P.S. I cried at a Target commercial. A TARGET COMMERCIAL.
P.P.S. I cried at the Thanksgiving episode of The Goldbergs. My hormones are a wreck.
With the buying of the house, we are reassessing our finances, and I am seeing just how much money I have spent over the past three months trying to fill the void in my womb with... "stuff". Skirts, clothes, trips, chairs, furniture, food, anything that isn't baby-focused, I am buying it. We are so in debt right now. It adds up so quickly--doctor bills, medical bills, house assessments, inspections... it all went on the credit card as we saved money to pay for the house.
So, we are in debt, it's Christmas, our monthly payments are about to double, and we planned this trip to Ireland on a lark, that now we are mostly just dreading because we have to pay for it. I feel sick to my stomach.
Speaking of stomachs, I am eating like a cow. I mean, just filling my stomach until it is tight and then stretches out again.I'm always hungry, and I've now peaked at 300 lbs .... I am back down to 296, but "down to 296" doesn't really seem like a positive set of words to me.
The Chris Powell plan I was doing worked really well, but then my 'accountability partner' never started, so I was on my own, and of course the machine took back over. I am hoping to start it again once I am positive we are not pregnant again. (torque and jumping around with a potential pregnancy seems dangerous since hematomas are so questionable, i am just trying to stay calm and low-key).
Anyways, Friday I realized I should be 8 months pregnant. I should be huge, with a big belly, and everyone taking bets on what day I am due. But instead I made a massive mistake at work that cost us a lot of money, my husband and I are constantly on edge with each other, and I feel so utterly worthless as a woman as I am reliving the events of July 31st with vivid clarity.
Nothing I do seems successful. I am seeing myself as a total failure. Apparently a side effect of progesterone is "worry" and "depression" and I can say that I have definitely felt those emotions amp up. But it could also be the holiday season. Everyone I know (I know that is hyperbole, but since I am 27 and most of my friends are just now married/newlyweds, it's not far off) is pregnant or posting their one-month-old baby pictures. So Friday night I was an utter mess. The sobbing--it was the raking, choking, whole body shaking sobbing--from July. I felt utter despair. I was lost. I am lost. I am spinning my wheels. My brain is officially burning more calories worrying and thinking about things than my body is working out. The calm I found over the past few months of controlling my food and exercising daily is gone and replaced with what I can only describe as the "worst version of Emily" I have ever seen.
I have also been taking pregnancy tests like a crazy maniac. They are, of course, all negative. Not only was it too soon, but we also missed the most fertile window, and the odds are so slim. That being said, my BBT (which should be dropping dramatically as we head into AF time) is rising steadily, and it is as high as it was when I was pregnant. So I am confused, and hopeful, and scared, and concerned that I'm not doing the right thing. Then add on house stress, and the weight gain.
I don't know. I am just so unhappy with how weak I feel. My husband did not marry this woman. I was not obsessed with babies, and I certainly didn't weigh 300 lbs when we met. And I don't think I'd like myself if I met me. But it seems so hard to change. So hard to get my mind back on track. How do I get it to stop careening down a path to self destruction?
I guess all we can do is try harder, and stop worrying about a. what other people think and b. about failing. That is all I can do. I want to pull myself out of this hole, but it is quite dark and quiet and cozy down here. So I might just leave myself here until Christmas has passed.
-Emily
P.S. I cried at a Target commercial. A TARGET COMMERCIAL.
P.P.S. I cried at the Thanksgiving episode of The Goldbergs. My hormones are a wreck.
Wednesday, December 9, 2015
Seeing Things
So, I am not sure if I ovulated on Tuesday or Thursday, but depending, I am either 8 or 6 DPO (Days Post Ovulation)
I took a FRER (First Response Early Response) just... because I am a nutcase and I find it fun. The test was negative, OBVIOUSLY, but then I started playing around with the color settings (which is what we nutters do when we test too early) and I swear I see a line.
I understand this could be a. my imagination b. the camera picking up on the antibody dye that is used there c. evaporation lines - the lines that turn pink when testing then fade.
Anyways, regardless of the outcome, I think it's super fun, and the waiting is a big game, and I love this part. So here ya go, make your own decisions! ... :)
I took a FRER (First Response Early Response) just... because I am a nutcase and I find it fun. The test was negative, OBVIOUSLY, but then I started playing around with the color settings (which is what we nutters do when we test too early) and I swear I see a line.
I understand this could be a. my imagination b. the camera picking up on the antibody dye that is used there c. evaporation lines - the lines that turn pink when testing then fade.
Anyways, regardless of the outcome, I think it's super fun, and the waiting is a big game, and I love this part. So here ya go, make your own decisions! ... :)
 |
| No tweaking done to this test, it is just what I see (a big fat NOTHING) |
 |
| Tweaked with a different contrast/lighting.... is there a line there.... is it a ghost line.... is it signs of what is to come? I guess we'll find out in a week's time. :)
-Emily
|
Monday, December 7, 2015
TWW (Two Week Wait)
Well, we may or may not have continued down that path of "not trying, not no trying" and now we are in the two week wait. Since I still think we missed the very small window of possibility, I am not getting my hopes up (and actually, starting to realize how hard it'd be to pack up and move if I'm pregnant!... which is why we'd pay someone to do it if that's the case.) But regardless, since we have a fraction of a chance of it happening, I am still going through the process of taking extra precautions. We are in full-out supplement mode.
With all that in mind, I called the specialist on Friday, and was told by the nurse that they would not prescribe progesterone for me unless I have a confirmed pregnancy. (8-12 week appt.)
What?
That contradicts literally everything I've read about progesterone, fertility -- everything.
Why would I take a uterine-supporting system to help an implantation take place once implantation has already taken place? And you're not even supposed to take it after 12 weeks of pregnancy. I think the nurse was just making stuff up OR I am way off the mark and totally wrong. But according to the multiple communities I am a part of, you are supposed to take progesterone the day after you ovulate until you find out if there is a pregnancy.
I was, of course, confused and frustrated, so Friday night I went home and counted out the progesterone I have left from my pregnancy. There are exactly 6 weeks worth of pills. Which means after this month, we will have 4 weeks. Since we won't even mess around with trying in December, we will have enough progesterone for January and February. After that, I will have to get a confirmation of pregnancy and a new prescription.
I just don't understand how my caretakers are telling me such different things from what the rest of the community on the boards are hearing from their doctors. I honestly feel like they are laughing at me for being upset. Like they don't truly understand the loss we experienced. I know they deal with it daily, and we were not as far along as many other people who need specialist care, but I also don't think what happened is something to scoff at.
Luckily, a coworker of mine told me about a doctor at another nearby hospital known for their NICU and birthing specialists, and we will be talking to him. I don't know, all I can do is try, and that's my mentality right now. Just do what you can to try to make things better.
-Emily
With all that in mind, I called the specialist on Friday, and was told by the nurse that they would not prescribe progesterone for me unless I have a confirmed pregnancy. (8-12 week appt.)
What?
That contradicts literally everything I've read about progesterone, fertility -- everything.
Why would I take a uterine-supporting system to help an implantation take place once implantation has already taken place? And you're not even supposed to take it after 12 weeks of pregnancy. I think the nurse was just making stuff up OR I am way off the mark and totally wrong. But according to the multiple communities I am a part of, you are supposed to take progesterone the day after you ovulate until you find out if there is a pregnancy.
I was, of course, confused and frustrated, so Friday night I went home and counted out the progesterone I have left from my pregnancy. There are exactly 6 weeks worth of pills. Which means after this month, we will have 4 weeks. Since we won't even mess around with trying in December, we will have enough progesterone for January and February. After that, I will have to get a confirmation of pregnancy and a new prescription.
I just don't understand how my caretakers are telling me such different things from what the rest of the community on the boards are hearing from their doctors. I honestly feel like they are laughing at me for being upset. Like they don't truly understand the loss we experienced. I know they deal with it daily, and we were not as far along as many other people who need specialist care, but I also don't think what happened is something to scoff at.
Luckily, a coworker of mine told me about a doctor at another nearby hospital known for their NICU and birthing specialists, and we will be talking to him. I don't know, all I can do is try, and that's my mentality right now. Just do what you can to try to make things better.
-Emily
Wednesday, December 2, 2015
12 Things I Needed to Hear From the Doctor After My Miscarriage
http://healthcurecorner.com/12-things-i-needed-to-hear-from-the-doctor-after-my-miscarriage/
Couldn't have said this better myself. (((Hugs))) to every woman (and man) going through this.
-Emily
Couldn't have said this better myself. (((Hugs))) to every woman (and man) going through this.
-Emily
Fear vs. Desire
Yesterday morning I had a really strange thought, "What if I'm pregnant?"
I know that we discussed the likelihood of this being very, very, veryveryvery slim, but the reaction I had to the thought is what is notable.
It was a split second of pure, unadulterated joy. Excitement. A future. And then immediately followed by all out fear. I am scared of this happening again, and I don't think that's something time will ever change. I am terrified of finding another black hole on an ultrasound, of making it 14 weeks and planning a future for a child. I am terrified of the pain I experienced when I delivered him.
I think maybe that's something every new mother faces throughout her pregnancy, some equilibrium of fear and joy. But now that I am jaded to the entire process, my fear outweighs the joy, and I am trying so hard to enjoy the process, and let go, and realize this is going to be a new experience. But I am also a human who is capable of holding two thoughts in her head at once, and one of those thoughts is terror. A tiny voice in my head keeps saying, "I'll never carry a baby to term alive" and "Round two will be exactly the same as the first try." I know we are better prepared, but I can't help feeling these things.
I've been reading a book my mom not-so-subtly left with a stack of mail she brought over called "Still to be Born". And it's helping me get through some of these feelings. Of understanding that our next child is its own person, and how to try to let some of the fear pass without letting our bodies act on it. Nature is cruel and unforgiving, and that is evidenced by the fact that my mind is absolutely positive we need to wait until we get back from "Whiskey Country", but my womb feels empty and demands to have her way. That must be the biological clock ticking away.
Anyways, this is a rambling post with really not point except to show what I am feeling on the dawn of ttc, and how much fear, anxiety, worry, happiness, excitement, joy and love there is in my head and heart all at once. And how the Desire almost always beats out the Fear when it comes to this kind of stuff. And how we, as women and men, grow, and get stronger as we face these trials.
Time is short, so love now.
-Emily
I know that we discussed the likelihood of this being very, very, veryveryvery slim, but the reaction I had to the thought is what is notable.
It was a split second of pure, unadulterated joy. Excitement. A future. And then immediately followed by all out fear. I am scared of this happening again, and I don't think that's something time will ever change. I am terrified of finding another black hole on an ultrasound, of making it 14 weeks and planning a future for a child. I am terrified of the pain I experienced when I delivered him.
I think maybe that's something every new mother faces throughout her pregnancy, some equilibrium of fear and joy. But now that I am jaded to the entire process, my fear outweighs the joy, and I am trying so hard to enjoy the process, and let go, and realize this is going to be a new experience. But I am also a human who is capable of holding two thoughts in her head at once, and one of those thoughts is terror. A tiny voice in my head keeps saying, "I'll never carry a baby to term alive" and "Round two will be exactly the same as the first try." I know we are better prepared, but I can't help feeling these things.
I've been reading a book my mom not-so-subtly left with a stack of mail she brought over called "Still to be Born". And it's helping me get through some of these feelings. Of understanding that our next child is its own person, and how to try to let some of the fear pass without letting our bodies act on it. Nature is cruel and unforgiving, and that is evidenced by the fact that my mind is absolutely positive we need to wait until we get back from "Whiskey Country", but my womb feels empty and demands to have her way. That must be the biological clock ticking away.
Anyways, this is a rambling post with really not point except to show what I am feeling on the dawn of ttc, and how much fear, anxiety, worry, happiness, excitement, joy and love there is in my head and heart all at once. And how the Desire almost always beats out the Fear when it comes to this kind of stuff. And how we, as women and men, grow, and get stronger as we face these trials.
Time is short, so love now.
-Emily
Monday, November 30, 2015
It's a new dawn, it's a new day, and I'm feeling good.
I will tell you one thing about charting cycles--there is very little mystery leftover once you are counting down hours to ovulation. I can absolutely see how OBs tell their patients struggling to conceive to stop worrying and just have fun. Once you realize that your female reproductive system is *TYPICALLY* a well oiled machine, the chance of it going off track becomes less and less.
I preface this post with that, because my husband cracked under pressure, and we momentarily lapsed in our "abstinence until Ireland" (not exactly abstinence, but you get my point). But since I know my chart like the back of my hand, I am 90% certain there is no chance of conception. Not like I'm rooting for it, as you know, there is a lot on my plate right now, but it is kind of ... boring (that's not the right word at all)... comforting? predictable?? knowing your body's rhythms. We are just about 3 days shy of it being even a slight chance.
Anyways, that's not what I'm here to talk about today. I'm here to talk about preparations for ttc. And since we are playing with fire, I have no fully loaded on the primary conception plans-
- aspirin
- prenatals
- vitex
- glucosamine
- vinegar
- cinnamon
- Progesterone 1 day post ovulation
In January, I will add back in Cayenne pepper and wheat grass, as well as start drinking my nettle tea each morning.
I did end up calling the specialist, and they confirmed my phospholipid panels all came back negative. So, according to modern science, there is nothing wrong with me. I am not so convinced. I just found out a friend of mine from one of my hematoma boards who lost a baby at 20 weeks to a SCH was diagnosed with not one, but two hematomas in her current pregnancy. There is a chance they will break up and disappear, as that is the more common outcome for women, and those of us who have lost because of it might just be more sensitive to their appearance. But I think that, when it comes to bodies, there is so much science we don't understand yet, and this is a highly under-researched condition. And I do not believe they are flukes or chance. She was on all of the medicines I am taking, she took all the precautions, and yet here we are, more hematomas. More question marks and fear in a pregnancy that should be a boring 9 months. I will keep researching and putting what I find here, but I am not convinced that because I tested negative for phospholipid clotting problems or Leiden Factor V that there isn't something else going on. I guess we'll find out in my next pregnancy if we get another SCH. . . and the pregnancy after that... and the pregnancy after that.
I also wanted to share something weird with you. Due to current work conditions, house-buying conditions, and other stress factors in my life, I developed an eye spasm last week. It was pretty bad, and it comes and goes when I am in stressful situations. So I was reading about cures last night trying to find SOMETHING to help. I stumbled on a blog of a girl who was told by her eye doctor to try Tonic Water. She said it cured hers, and any time it flared up, she'd drink tonic water and it'd stop. Tonic Water has quinine, a smashed up bitter root that is considered a muscle relaxant. Well, my husband brought home diet tonic water, and I drank half the bottle (after a. a glass of wine to relax me further and b. filling it with Mio cause tonic SUCKS) and no twitch today! It's also my first day back at work in a stressful environment after Thanksgiving and still no twitch!!! I will finish off the bottle tonight. So there you go - a life hack. Tonic Water = Kills Eye Spasms.
Alright, it's cyber Monday. Off to go find some deals and cross off Christmas lists.
-Emily
Sunday, November 22, 2015
Great Links
The Great Sperm Race:
So I enjoy this eve from a non baby-obsessed mindset. It's sex ed all rolled up into an interesting film:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gAnMymnJiLM&list=PLCDECC6C14006053D
How often should we be ... doing it:
http://www.iflscience.com/health-and-medicine/more-sex-gets-you-pregnant
So I enjoy this eve from a non baby-obsessed mindset. It's sex ed all rolled up into an interesting film:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gAnMymnJiLM&list=PLCDECC6C14006053D
How often should we be ... doing it:
http://www.iflscience.com/health-and-medicine/more-sex-gets-you-pregnant
Wednesday, November 18, 2015
Well hello there, November.
Tut tut, it is mid November and I am way behind on my life goals. I don't know how I got so derailed from my "LOSE WEIGHT!" "TAKE SUPPLEMENTS!" "WORKOUT!" goals, but perhaps it is crushing depression, an inexplicable fear of success, and distractions.
Or maybe I'm just lazy.
That all being said, it is mid-November. Which means, you guessed it! We are ALMOST THERE for TTC THB #1 (read: Trying to conceive Take Home Baby #1). My husband and I agreed on January Ireland trip to start trying again. So now I am ready to start prepping my womb, body, mind and soul for the journey we are about to undertake.
Step 1: Negativity be-gone
I have really struggled this past month to not hate myself and what I do. Counseling helps, but when you are your biggest antagonist, and you live with yourself 24/7, it is hard to keep positivity up. I have been reading some psychology magazines and articles, and I am pretty sure I suffer from a condition called "doesn't ever vent anger, so bottles it up and makes herself into a victim". That is a real thing, I swear! If you have no means or outlet for anger, you try to justify and rationalize the feelings. When you do this, you internalize everything and start thinking that everything is unfair to YOU (well, me). "My friends all had babies successfully" "My friends all are able to lose weight without struggle" "No one else struggles financially" ... I must just have a bad streak of luck. Well friends, that is not true. I have an amazing husband, an INCREDIBLE family, a wonderful support system of friends. I am not a victim in any way except to myself. These next few months will be spent healing and trying to soften the blows of the punches I throw at myself. And also trying to emotionally get excited for this process and the nine month (hopefully) pregnancy. I have continually written on here that I don't feel like I'll ever get a take home baby. And maybe not. But we're going to try to be as positive as possible going forward.
Step 2: Fixing My Body
It needs 30 days for most people to form a habit. But for me, I can't seem to get past about 14 before something 'epic' and life-changing happens that makes me want to celebrate with food. And instead of nudging myself back in the right direction, I go all out and stop exercising and eat McDonalds. That can't be my strategy going forward. For the next two and a half months everything I do needs to be done for me and ALSO for the baby. Because I'm not just eating Lays potato chips for me, but also I'm creating the future home of our child, and I need to protect my body as much as I would protect our baby.
Step 3: Facing fears
I am not strong sometimes. I will admit that. I am a submissive person by nature. I have a big personality, but my instinct is to duck and run when danger or confrontation arises. But I am realizing that those responses show a disrespect for myself, and I am NOT stupid or incapable. SO I am going to take Papa Roach's advice and Face Everything and Rise. (Papa Roach is my muse, I guess). Facing fears will involve tackling certain tasks that I have been avoiding, confidently and outwardly addressing problems I have with people face-to-face at the time it happens, and making sure I fix myself up to prepare myself for all of these situations. A good friend of mine told me to get some new work clothes so I feel confident and powerful. I tried getting dressed up today and it worked. I do feel stronger (it could also be the Starbucks frappucino, but I am hoping it's also the clothes and shoes). So, a trip to JCP during their big sales is in order. Even though money is tight, I need some superficial confidence to get through these fear-facing moments. And trust me, I'm a very timid person.
Step 4: Supplement party
I've listed here before what I plan to take as we start to try again. Starting now through January, I will gradually be adding back in the full regime so those little zygotes have a strong foothold in the world.
November
Multi-vitamin prenatal
Glucosamine (for my knees, not for baby)
Vitex (to lengthen my luteal phase)
December
All of the above Plus
Vinegar (with the Mother - so it is actually potent, fibroids, general health)
Switch to naturally occurring folate-filled prenatal (in case I can't digest folic acid in its synthetic form)
Cinnamon (to counteract the glucosamine and regulate blood sugar)
January
All of the above Plus
Aspirin (to prevent clotting)
Wheatgrass (dunno, read it somewhere, worth a try to help body heal)
Cayenne Pepper (another healing agent)
I will also start tracking my BBT (read: Basal Body Temperature) starting on CD 1 (read: cycle day 1, meaning first day of period) (which SHOULD be tomorrow). The tracking will help me understand when I ovulate, and the length of the luteal phase.
Step 5: Not Caring
Or maybe I'm just lazy.
That all being said, it is mid-November. Which means, you guessed it! We are ALMOST THERE for TTC THB #1 (read: Trying to conceive Take Home Baby #1). My husband and I agreed on January Ireland trip to start trying again. So now I am ready to start prepping my womb, body, mind and soul for the journey we are about to undertake.
Step 1: Negativity be-gone
I have really struggled this past month to not hate myself and what I do. Counseling helps, but when you are your biggest antagonist, and you live with yourself 24/7, it is hard to keep positivity up. I have been reading some psychology magazines and articles, and I am pretty sure I suffer from a condition called "doesn't ever vent anger, so bottles it up and makes herself into a victim". That is a real thing, I swear! If you have no means or outlet for anger, you try to justify and rationalize the feelings. When you do this, you internalize everything and start thinking that everything is unfair to YOU (well, me). "My friends all had babies successfully" "My friends all are able to lose weight without struggle" "No one else struggles financially" ... I must just have a bad streak of luck. Well friends, that is not true. I have an amazing husband, an INCREDIBLE family, a wonderful support system of friends. I am not a victim in any way except to myself. These next few months will be spent healing and trying to soften the blows of the punches I throw at myself. And also trying to emotionally get excited for this process and the nine month (hopefully) pregnancy. I have continually written on here that I don't feel like I'll ever get a take home baby. And maybe not. But we're going to try to be as positive as possible going forward.
Step 2: Fixing My Body
It needs 30 days for most people to form a habit. But for me, I can't seem to get past about 14 before something 'epic' and life-changing happens that makes me want to celebrate with food. And instead of nudging myself back in the right direction, I go all out and stop exercising and eat McDonalds. That can't be my strategy going forward. For the next two and a half months everything I do needs to be done for me and ALSO for the baby. Because I'm not just eating Lays potato chips for me, but also I'm creating the future home of our child, and I need to protect my body as much as I would protect our baby.
Step 3: Facing fears
I am not strong sometimes. I will admit that. I am a submissive person by nature. I have a big personality, but my instinct is to duck and run when danger or confrontation arises. But I am realizing that those responses show a disrespect for myself, and I am NOT stupid or incapable. SO I am going to take Papa Roach's advice and Face Everything and Rise. (Papa Roach is my muse, I guess). Facing fears will involve tackling certain tasks that I have been avoiding, confidently and outwardly addressing problems I have with people face-to-face at the time it happens, and making sure I fix myself up to prepare myself for all of these situations. A good friend of mine told me to get some new work clothes so I feel confident and powerful. I tried getting dressed up today and it worked. I do feel stronger (it could also be the Starbucks frappucino, but I am hoping it's also the clothes and shoes). So, a trip to JCP during their big sales is in order. Even though money is tight, I need some superficial confidence to get through these fear-facing moments. And trust me, I'm a very timid person.
Step 4: Supplement party
I've listed here before what I plan to take as we start to try again. Starting now through January, I will gradually be adding back in the full regime so those little zygotes have a strong foothold in the world.
November
Multi-vitamin prenatal
Glucosamine (for my knees, not for baby)
Vitex (to lengthen my luteal phase)
December
All of the above Plus
Vinegar (with the Mother - so it is actually potent, fibroids, general health)
Switch to naturally occurring folate-filled prenatal (in case I can't digest folic acid in its synthetic form)
Cinnamon (to counteract the glucosamine and regulate blood sugar)
January
All of the above Plus
Aspirin (to prevent clotting)
Wheatgrass (dunno, read it somewhere, worth a try to help body heal)
Cayenne Pepper (another healing agent)
I will also start tracking my BBT (read: Basal Body Temperature) starting on CD 1 (read: cycle day 1, meaning first day of period) (which SHOULD be tomorrow). The tracking will help me understand when I ovulate, and the length of the luteal phase.
Luteal Phase Aside: The length of the luteal phase can effect pregnancies. If your body does not produce enough progesterone after ovulation, the zygote can't implant in the uterus successfully. The progesterone dries up and the uterus sheds its lining too quickly. This can be checked by monitoring your ovulation day with your first day of your period. If it is below 10 days, then you have a shortened luteal phase. (mine is appearing to be around 10, i think optimal is 12) I am fairly confident this hurt our pregnancy--the egg implanted, but pulled away because the lining was not thick enough, and my luteal phase was too short. I have been taking Vitex and it seems to be lengthening my cycle. However, I did not understand the importance of the luteal phase the first time around, and most of my BBT tracking disappeared (Glow Users - if you have a miscarriage and put that into your account, it will wipe all of your data. Which is just wonderful once you are already suffering.) Aside Finished.
After ovulation, I will take progesterone each day for nine days until my period. That will help the body produce enough progesterone to develop the lining of the uterus, but by taking it after ovulation you are not restricting ovulation (too much progesterone can tell your body not to drop and egg).
My specialist has progesterone on order for me, but I also have some left over from last time. Hopefully the new order won't be vaginal, because I've watched a blog (with images) on that, and it gets pretty nasty up in thurr with vaginal progesterone. Yikes.
A note on Vitex - they say to stop taking immediately if you get pregnant, but story after story shows that women who took it several weeks into their pregnancy were fine and had no issues, and if they stopped taking it they lost the baby. It's a personal choice, but I think I will continue taking it until we get a successful "no hematoma" report. Praying for that day...
Step 5: Not Caring
So, now you know that my day will be centered around tracking, tracking, tracking, and pills. Which kind of takes the fun out of the "T" in "trying to conceive". But don't worry, we are going to go about our lives and just be married. And have fun. I am definitely able to separate the two things, and it won't be an "OMG IT'S TIME" type situation. We're going to just enjoy life and see what it throws at us. My husband truly believes it will happen the first try again, but I am not convinced. Bodies don't work like that. So I think we'll realistically have until spring before this all works and I have any kind of positive. (but one can hope we get pregnant in Ireland with an Irish baby and we have the baby around Halloween - the best time of the year).
Okay, that is all for today. I am going to also post a really interesting article about having sex all month even when trying to conceive. Apparently your body is distracted, or used to the semen, so it doesn't attack as hard when your cervical mucus 'ladders' are down. Also, another thing I will post is the BEST conception video I've ever seen.
Emily
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
Adrift in a sea of craziness
There's a lot going on right now. I'm not gonna lie, I'm pretty overwhelmed.
But this is a good overwhelmed, it is a lot of change, and that is something I've been missing in my life for the past few years.
So first things first, I never called the doctor back. I need to do that. I don't know why I haven't. I guess part of me doesn't want to know, and another part of me thinks it's all fine that is why I haven't heard from him, and ANOTHER part of me thinks it's their responsibility to call me if I have some horrible life changing problem. (Right?!)
I guess with that in mind, there is probably no problem. And then the "I should still call them" cycle begins again. Maybe I will just do it today and get it over with. Bleh.
Well, we put a bid on a house, and they accepted, so it looks like we are buying a house. We were preapproved for a loan, so now we just have to make sure we can get that loan, and the inspection is Thursday. Something feels right about getting a house before a baby. The master has a nursery attached, so we'll have a baby room attached to our room. There are two bedrooms, so we'll have a guest room, and eventually the baby will move into that room. And there is a finished basement. It's everything we need. As much as I miss Scrumbles, I know that our next baby will be so much happier growing up in an incredible neighborhood, with a house to call his/her own, and a puppy to snuggle with, and a better life than what we would have had just a few months ago. I am pretty excited, and happy that it's happening so soon.
My husband is insisting we wait until we go to Ireland before we start trying again. As much as I want to be angry at him for it, I do think it makes the most sense. I want to be pregnant so badly, and I'm watching as my baby boards friends are all conceiving. I feel like we are wasting time on an arbitrary date. But I know we will have more fun and be more relaxed if we aren't worried about the pregnacny. The stress of traveling, the concern about flying, drinking Whiskey. I know it will be magical if we can experience the trip together. But my biological clock doesn't stop ticking just because I tell it to. And now that we have a REAL LIFE HOUSE in an incredible city it feels even more important to get pregnant. I think we will have to temper that desire with staying busy, exercising, and working on getting the house move-in ready.We also volunteered to have either Christmas or New Years parties, so it will be really fun to be with family and friends around the holidays in our new place. We sign on December 18, which means we will have a house for Christmas. I know that 2016 is going to be a better year. I know it is going to be full of changes and love and building new things and experiences. I cannot wait.
Alright, changing gears. I am going to tell you a little story. Three months ago I had a second trimester miscarriage. I holed myself away from social events, society, and people. I decided that by Halloween I would be ready to go back out, and that timing was pretty accurate. In that time, my close friends stuck by me, but I was still keeping them at an arm's length. I hadn't seen any extended family since 4th of July. When Halloween rolled around and I was ready to get back out there and live my life, what I realized is that no one was there waiting for me. My friends had forgotten me. Life went on. They made plans without me. I half expected a last minute Halloween party to pop up. We did get two offers, but one was with a friend who hadn't talked to me or asked how I was doing or even knew we had a miscarriage. So. No. The other was a friend who was going to her mom's house. And as fun as that would have been, we would have been the awkward couple that tagged along.
I guess it taught me a valuable lesson. and that lesson is stick with your family. and don't waste time with people who don't care about you. And that I am a changed person. And there is really no going back. That life before was different, and I feel now how truly connected I am to my husband and how we have eachother and need to stick with each other no matter how bad the world around us gets. I love him so much.
So, after waking up on November 1st and feeling very alone (not alone alone, but alone in the friends area) I made this list. It is going to be how I live my life from now on. Even though I am incredibly shy, this list will be my new mantra:
BE KIND
BE CLEAR
BE BRAVE
DON'T WASTE TIME (on people that don't matter)
BE EFFICIENT
BE CALM
BREATHE
You are welcome to use my list. :) I am finding it helps tremendously in all things.
Emily
But this is a good overwhelmed, it is a lot of change, and that is something I've been missing in my life for the past few years.
So first things first, I never called the doctor back. I need to do that. I don't know why I haven't. I guess part of me doesn't want to know, and another part of me thinks it's all fine that is why I haven't heard from him, and ANOTHER part of me thinks it's their responsibility to call me if I have some horrible life changing problem. (Right?!)
I guess with that in mind, there is probably no problem. And then the "I should still call them" cycle begins again. Maybe I will just do it today and get it over with. Bleh.
Well, we put a bid on a house, and they accepted, so it looks like we are buying a house. We were preapproved for a loan, so now we just have to make sure we can get that loan, and the inspection is Thursday. Something feels right about getting a house before a baby. The master has a nursery attached, so we'll have a baby room attached to our room. There are two bedrooms, so we'll have a guest room, and eventually the baby will move into that room. And there is a finished basement. It's everything we need. As much as I miss Scrumbles, I know that our next baby will be so much happier growing up in an incredible neighborhood, with a house to call his/her own, and a puppy to snuggle with, and a better life than what we would have had just a few months ago. I am pretty excited, and happy that it's happening so soon.
My husband is insisting we wait until we go to Ireland before we start trying again. As much as I want to be angry at him for it, I do think it makes the most sense. I want to be pregnant so badly, and I'm watching as my baby boards friends are all conceiving. I feel like we are wasting time on an arbitrary date. But I know we will have more fun and be more relaxed if we aren't worried about the pregnacny. The stress of traveling, the concern about flying, drinking Whiskey. I know it will be magical if we can experience the trip together. But my biological clock doesn't stop ticking just because I tell it to. And now that we have a REAL LIFE HOUSE in an incredible city it feels even more important to get pregnant. I think we will have to temper that desire with staying busy, exercising, and working on getting the house move-in ready.We also volunteered to have either Christmas or New Years parties, so it will be really fun to be with family and friends around the holidays in our new place. We sign on December 18, which means we will have a house for Christmas. I know that 2016 is going to be a better year. I know it is going to be full of changes and love and building new things and experiences. I cannot wait.
Alright, changing gears. I am going to tell you a little story. Three months ago I had a second trimester miscarriage. I holed myself away from social events, society, and people. I decided that by Halloween I would be ready to go back out, and that timing was pretty accurate. In that time, my close friends stuck by me, but I was still keeping them at an arm's length. I hadn't seen any extended family since 4th of July. When Halloween rolled around and I was ready to get back out there and live my life, what I realized is that no one was there waiting for me. My friends had forgotten me. Life went on. They made plans without me. I half expected a last minute Halloween party to pop up. We did get two offers, but one was with a friend who hadn't talked to me or asked how I was doing or even knew we had a miscarriage. So. No. The other was a friend who was going to her mom's house. And as fun as that would have been, we would have been the awkward couple that tagged along.
I guess it taught me a valuable lesson. and that lesson is stick with your family. and don't waste time with people who don't care about you. And that I am a changed person. And there is really no going back. That life before was different, and I feel now how truly connected I am to my husband and how we have eachother and need to stick with each other no matter how bad the world around us gets. I love him so much.
So, after waking up on November 1st and feeling very alone (not alone alone, but alone in the friends area) I made this list. It is going to be how I live my life from now on. Even though I am incredibly shy, this list will be my new mantra:
BE KIND
BE CLEAR
BE BRAVE
DON'T WASTE TIME (on people that don't matter)
BE EFFICIENT
BE CALM
BREATHE
You are welcome to use my list. :) I am finding it helps tremendously in all things.
Emily
Tuesday, October 20, 2015
All the thoughts originate from the mind.
I keep dreaming about being pregnant. Reading pregnancy tests that show positives. Last night I dreamt I took one, and it was strong positive, but the strip was twisted, so I couldn't turn it in the right direction to read it.
I also have FELT pregnant, although according to family planning methods that is simply not possible. But the feelings are bringing up a lot of emotions about my angel baby. Last night I was just... sad. For him. For us. For my womb. For the future. I am scared and sad, and it comes and goes in waves. They always say that grief will hit you randomly and you can't expect it or plan for it, and last night was just one of those times. I have started a new weight loss plan "Choose to Lose" by Chris Powell, and it is going to be difficult. And his book had me think and say a lot of affirmations to help me take control over my body, and in doing so, I think it must have stirred up some stuff.
Maybe I feel like I am turning a page on this chapter. Like it's on to the next one. My husband did not cry with me this weekend. I think he is healing. And that is such great news, I am elated. And I am healing, but it still hurts sometimes. Randomly. Like last night. And I knew so little before everything, and now I know so much that I wish I didn't. And I can't help but think that this will just be how it goes forever. That there is never going to be a warm wiggly baby that I get to take home. So in that line of thought, I just say "fuck it". And then a lot of other things matter more,and I am able to feel better. Even if only temporarily.
I am starting to accept and absorb that we are waiting to try again until January. As hard as it sounds right now,w e are not emotionally, financially, or physically ready to do this again. We have submitted for a mortgage loan, and might be looking to buy a house. Which would be a huge endeavor, stressful, and I wouldn't want to be pregnant during that process. I also know that the exhaustion and life changing events are going to be permanent if we get to take home a baby -- seeing my new-parents friends is evidence of that. So waiting is feeling okay. And getting my body under control is so important right now.
But sometimes I get sad. And that's just the way this goes, I think .
I also have not heard back from the specialist, so I plan on calling him on Friday. I think he told us if we didn't hear anything it was good news. But you just never know, so I want to be sure. If nothing is wrong, I will be happy. I have gotten to the point where I will be glad to know I am functioning and what we tested for is not a cause of what happened. If it happens again,we will test for new things. I guess it's like the duck shooting game at the carnival where you just keep knocking the ducks down with pellets until there's nothing left and you either solve the mystery, or go home and decide to be wealthy entrepreneurs with no kids....
Anyways, I felt this blog deserved an update, as it has been two weeks with nothing. And that's not me keeping you in the dark, it's me being in the dark. I have no more answers. I just know how to walk the path laid out ahead of me. And we are so far from it being something we are actively trying that I've thrown away the thermometer and tracking and stopped taking everything but prenatals. I don't even want to look at that stuff right now, because it just makes me sad and angry.
I will update if I learn more.
-Emily
I also have FELT pregnant, although according to family planning methods that is simply not possible. But the feelings are bringing up a lot of emotions about my angel baby. Last night I was just... sad. For him. For us. For my womb. For the future. I am scared and sad, and it comes and goes in waves. They always say that grief will hit you randomly and you can't expect it or plan for it, and last night was just one of those times. I have started a new weight loss plan "Choose to Lose" by Chris Powell, and it is going to be difficult. And his book had me think and say a lot of affirmations to help me take control over my body, and in doing so, I think it must have stirred up some stuff.
Maybe I feel like I am turning a page on this chapter. Like it's on to the next one. My husband did not cry with me this weekend. I think he is healing. And that is such great news, I am elated. And I am healing, but it still hurts sometimes. Randomly. Like last night. And I knew so little before everything, and now I know so much that I wish I didn't. And I can't help but think that this will just be how it goes forever. That there is never going to be a warm wiggly baby that I get to take home. So in that line of thought, I just say "fuck it". And then a lot of other things matter more,and I am able to feel better. Even if only temporarily.
I am starting to accept and absorb that we are waiting to try again until January. As hard as it sounds right now,w e are not emotionally, financially, or physically ready to do this again. We have submitted for a mortgage loan, and might be looking to buy a house. Which would be a huge endeavor, stressful, and I wouldn't want to be pregnant during that process. I also know that the exhaustion and life changing events are going to be permanent if we get to take home a baby -- seeing my new-parents friends is evidence of that. So waiting is feeling okay. And getting my body under control is so important right now.
But sometimes I get sad. And that's just the way this goes, I think .
I also have not heard back from the specialist, so I plan on calling him on Friday. I think he told us if we didn't hear anything it was good news. But you just never know, so I want to be sure. If nothing is wrong, I will be happy. I have gotten to the point where I will be glad to know I am functioning and what we tested for is not a cause of what happened. If it happens again,we will test for new things. I guess it's like the duck shooting game at the carnival where you just keep knocking the ducks down with pellets until there's nothing left and you either solve the mystery, or go home and decide to be wealthy entrepreneurs with no kids....
Anyways, I felt this blog deserved an update, as it has been two weeks with nothing. And that's not me keeping you in the dark, it's me being in the dark. I have no more answers. I just know how to walk the path laid out ahead of me. And we are so far from it being something we are actively trying that I've thrown away the thermometer and tracking and stopped taking everything but prenatals. I don't even want to look at that stuff right now, because it just makes me sad and angry.
I will update if I learn more.
-Emily
Thursday, October 8, 2015
5 Vials
It is a record. Today they drew 5 vials of blood. I went to a new testing facility (new OB=new facility). The girl was very good, and she let me lay down, or else I pass out. I didn't pass out! And she only had to stick me one time. We got the blood relatively quickly, but throughout this whole process, we have never drawn five vials before. Not even for the genetic screening! (That was 3 vials, and that was also a challenge.)
Anyways, the blood draw went fine, but I thought I'd share with you what they are testing for in those five vials.
1. Cardiolipin AB Screen
http://www.hopkinslupus.org/lupus-tests/antiphospholipid-antibodies/
Testing may also be ordered when a woman has had recurrent miscarriages and/or ordered along with lupus anticoagulant testing as a follow-up to a prolonged PTT test. When cardiolipin antibody is detected, then the test may be repeated several weeks later to determine whether the antibody is temporary or persistent. Moderate to high levels of cardiolipin antibodies that persist when tested again 6 weeks later indicate the likely continued presence of that specific antibody, which may be associated with excessive clotting or recurrent miscarriages. (https://labtestsonline.org/understanding/analytes/cardiolipin/tab/test/)
2. Lupus Anticogulation
3. Anti-B2 Clycoprotein Antibodies
https://labtestsonline.org/understanding/analytes/beta-2-glycoprotein-1-antibodies/tab/test/
So, after a brief scan, these are all related, and all clotting issues that cause recurrent miscarriages. This is a good thing, because I do know I don't have the Factor V Leiden clotting disorder, but these seem to be more common.
I still stand by my initial response that these will all turn up negative, but I am glad we will know for sure. I'm pretty anxious about hearing back from the specialist. He should have results by next Monday, and I should hear from him mid-to-late next week. (Since it took me 4 days to get the balls and energy to go get tested.)
Once I know more, I will share on here. I just met (through a Baby Board) a girl who was diagnosed with this stuff, and she was told to wait to try to conceive for 12 weeks, when they would do another round of testing. Hearing that would be ... heartbreaking. But maybe good. I don't know. I don't know how I'm feeling. After having a little more sleep, and some time to collect myself, I am feeling slightly better. Still exhausted - mentally and physically - but better. I feel like every time I start climbing out of the dark, though, my husband jumps back into the abyss. Will these roller coaster days ever level out?
I don't know, just going to keep blogging and doing things to make life better.
-Emily
Anyways, the blood draw went fine, but I thought I'd share with you what they are testing for in those five vials.
1. Cardiolipin AB Screen
http://www.hopkinslupus.org/lupus-tests/antiphospholipid-antibodies/
Testing may also be ordered when a woman has had recurrent miscarriages and/or ordered along with lupus anticoagulant testing as a follow-up to a prolonged PTT test. When cardiolipin antibody is detected, then the test may be repeated several weeks later to determine whether the antibody is temporary or persistent. Moderate to high levels of cardiolipin antibodies that persist when tested again 6 weeks later indicate the likely continued presence of that specific antibody, which may be associated with excessive clotting or recurrent miscarriages. (https://labtestsonline.org/understanding/analytes/cardiolipin/tab/test/)
2. Lupus Anticogulation
Lupus anticoagulants are antibodies against substances in the lining of cells. These substances prevent blood clotting in a test tube. They are called phospholipids.
Persons with these antibodies may have an abnormally high risk of blood clotting.https://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/000547.htm
https://labtestsonline.org/understanding/analytes/lupus-anticoagulant/tab/test/
https://labtestsonline.org/understanding/analytes/beta-2-glycoprotein-1-antibodies/tab/test/
So, after a brief scan, these are all related, and all clotting issues that cause recurrent miscarriages. This is a good thing, because I do know I don't have the Factor V Leiden clotting disorder, but these seem to be more common.
I still stand by my initial response that these will all turn up negative, but I am glad we will know for sure. I'm pretty anxious about hearing back from the specialist. He should have results by next Monday, and I should hear from him mid-to-late next week. (Since it took me 4 days to get the balls and energy to go get tested.)
Once I know more, I will share on here. I just met (through a Baby Board) a girl who was diagnosed with this stuff, and she was told to wait to try to conceive for 12 weeks, when they would do another round of testing. Hearing that would be ... heartbreaking. But maybe good. I don't know. I don't know how I'm feeling. After having a little more sleep, and some time to collect myself, I am feeling slightly better. Still exhausted - mentally and physically - but better. I feel like every time I start climbing out of the dark, though, my husband jumps back into the abyss. Will these roller coaster days ever level out?
I don't know, just going to keep blogging and doing things to make life better.
-Emily
Monday, October 5, 2015
Defeated.
I feel defeated.
My husband used the word frustrated, but that's not quite right. Because, honestly, I just... want to be done.
I feel such apathy right now. I feel like I've just run a half marathon, and I have two options - I can walk up a steep hill to my car, or I can sit on the pavement and watch other people finish their runs and walk to their cars. That's a weird analogy. My point is. I am tired of moving forward. I am tired of thinking and planning and hoping. I feel like it's all over.
We went to the high risk doctor today, and his official assessment was, "It sounds like a fluke."
A fluke. A horrible, life changing, horrific fluke.
A family history of blood clots means very little when you were tested negative for the disease your family member had. I am healthy, by all accounts. Overweight, and anxiety-laden, but healthy.
I don't know what I was hoping for... maybe something to ease my concern of this ever happening again. But that's not what I was told, I was told this was most likely a fluke, and we can try again in 4-6 months (December), and that we shouldn't have to do anything differently.
I will give you everything I learned -
-An assessment of fibroids by the Ultrasound Tech in the ER is a questionable assessment, especially without pictures.
-Lose 5-10% of my body fat (uh, yea, at least)
-Getting a blood test for Antiphospholipids (but I think that was just the doctor's way of trying to make me feel like we were doing something)
-At my urging, he agreed to do progesterone supplements next time we're pregnant, but said that it's a chicken/egg situation. Was the uterus weakened/problematic and causing low hormone readings, or were my low hormones what caused the miscarriage in the first place?
-Maybe the embroyo implanted on a blood vessel that kept bleeding, that is usually the case
-Fibroids would be more of a problem later in pregnancy, not as early as we were
-For anyone wondering, the "official wait time" after a miscarriage is 1-2 months for first trimester, 4-6 months second trimester, 6 months-1 year third trimester
It was a fluke.
I feel so broken. I can't do this again. I can't do this again knowing that nothing was fixed, nothing was solved. I can't do this again knowing we are subjecting a fetus to a short life and a long death.
I don't know why I am so upset about this, I was never sure I wanted a baby in the first place. Everyone tells you they ruin your life. So maybe we just, don't.
I might go silent for a while here. I have to process this. I can tell you one thing, we will not be getting pregnant any time soon. I am going to look into birth control. I don't want to be one of those women who are obsessed with having a baby and puts herself through hell trying.
I need some time away from this. From 'babies'. I need to get back to my normal life. I need to get away from it all. I'm so angry. I've always been a sore loser. I take my ball and go home. Well, so be it. Life's not fair. That's all I've learned in the past six months. Life's not fair, and the people who seem like they'd make awesome parents don't get babies.
Thanks for reading. If I ever get to a point where I change my mind, I will let you know. And I'll update this if I have the phospholipid disease (i won't). It was a fluke, and my womb is not designed to make babies.
-Emily
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