Alright. It's Thursday, July 28. We are two days away from the anniversary of our loss. And this week has been somewhat of a turning point for yours truly.
The first four nights were spent miserable, crying, and freaked out. As I mentioned before, I had what I thought could have been some spotting over the weekend. We never really determined if it was or wasn't. But it stopped, and baby was moving so everything seemed okay.
Yesterday, my husband went with me to my 36 week appointment. We had an AFI (fluid check) an NST (her heart was perfect) and a cervix check (I am dialated 1cm). Everything looks great. I have a lot of fluid (high end of normal at 21.5 cm2. And when the doctor asked if we had any questions my husband told her my fears (cord prolapse, bad placenta, baby dying). And she reassured us that we're doing all the monitoring we could POSSIBLY be doing. And if I wanted to come in twice a week I could. But we're doing as much monitoring as someone with type 1 diabetes.
My fear, aggression, anger... I just ... had to take a big, deep breath and let it go. We have made it. We are at 36 weeks. This baby can come, and be okay. She has made it to term, and I took her there. If something horribly tragic happens (and it could, I am well aware of that), then we will deal with it. But, I have decided I am going to make the best of the next three weeks. Try not to worry, try not to stress, and just enjoy what time I have left with her on the inside before our lives change dramatically.
At this point, she's going to either come on her own, or the doctor will take her out if something looks dodgy. We are kick counting. She is head down, facing right and her feet are jabbing me on my right side. I can feel her almost all day. So, I have to let go and TRULY give it up to God. After I made that decision, I felt a huge sense of relief. Things that had been bothering me stopped. This is different from a 'manic' episode. Because I don't feel any of those crazy happy emotions. It's mostly just a release. A calm. I have done everything I can to keep her healthy and safe. I take my meds, I monitor my glucose. We show up to appointments and I did what I could to get her here. At this point, there's not much more I can possibly do.
So I'm going to be pregnant. And happy. and when the negative thoughts start creeping in (they still do) I will counter them with positive thoughts. I could tell last night as I reached exhaustion and night time set in, I was losing strength in my resolve. So I went to bed. And I woke up with my old mindset, but quickly altered to this new ideology. I want to enjoy the next three weeks. My husband and I will be going on a date night. And we are going to watch some movies we need to catch up on. We're going to enjoy eachother. And not be scared of sex. It's been 9 months since I haven't been terrified of sex... So that's a good thing to be over that hurdle for my marriage's sake!
What else... just a general sense of ease in life. I've been fighting, fighting, fighting so hard. Each minute of the day was a battle. Like I was claiming territory. Now? Now, I just need to let them pass over us, and let this baby decide when she is going to make her appearance. We are so, so in love with her. It actually hurts my heart to think about how much I love her. But I need to redirect that love into joy, and not fear. Fear is going to get us nowhere in the next few months. But love? Love is the answer.
this is not the July of last year. This is a new year. This is 2016, and we are miles ahead of where we were. And yes, we could end up 10 billion times more devastated then we were last year. Or we could end up with the most beautiful baby in the world who we love more than life itself. And that's what I am going to plan on. Because she is in there, scrumming around, comfy and content to kick me in the ribs. And she has her own plan. She always had. Even 36 weeks ago when she was conceived. She has been on her own schedule and has her own little plan. So, I'm going to trust her. Trust me. Trust my husband. And trust the process. We are so close, and I am finally FINALLY feeling some happiness. And joy.
Being scared for 9 months is exhausting. And it puts a serious dent in your morale and ability to love and be loved and I am TIRED of it. I am done with that. I am going to be a better, happier person. Similar to who I used to be, and just have faith.
Also? Immediately after changing my perspective, things at work changed. I was complimented twice on work ethic and the results I produce. Maybe I've been told this before and didn't hear it? But it was nice... like the earth's ebb and flow rewarded my positivity.
There are also two quotes I heard this week that I want to remember forever:
1. You can't choose when you are someone's friend. (In the context of, you can't be a fair-weather friend. Good or bad, if you are someone's friend you have to stay through it, or duck out, but you don't get to come and go as you please when it's easy.)
2. Being a woman means you have to be stronger. (Hilaria Baldwin's mother).
I think these are good ideas to run thoughts by to help gauge the 'big picture', and I will continue to do so.
Anyways, positive thoughts. Enjoying this pregnancy. Trusting my body. And just spilling love out into the universe.
-Emily at Peace-
Thursday, July 28, 2016
Monday, July 25, 2016
come on tiny baby, we only have a few weeks left...
That is what I keep saying to this child. Come on tiny baby, we don't have long now. Hang in there, be okay. I must admit, my anxiety is pretty high right now. We are so, so very deeply invested in this life-changing process and our daughter being here. I am TERRIFIED of anything going wrong. Husband has asked me to get off of google/forums. I am trying to, but sometimes I freak out and look something up and BAM, there is someone who had a placental abruption at 35 weeks (out of the blue) and lost their son.
I realize we are being monitored more heavily than others, but it still scares me. Saturday night I had what looked like light spotting. I was a hot mess after that. We decided to wait it out and see, as it wasn't clearly blood. Nothing happened again, so I think we're okay. And baby was moving like CRAZY. Everyone tells me (including the OB) that movement is good, no movement is bad. And lots of movement is good too. So as long as I feel her, it's okay.
I've also been doing kick counts twice a day. Once after breakfast, once before bed. She flipped around I think ,so now her head is facing either out or left, because I'm feeling much more movement when she is moving. However, we do have a lot of sleepy times. I am trying to keep stress levels down at work so she is calmer and so am I. That way consciously feel for her throughout the day.
I feel like in the past week my stomach has just grown massively. Coworkers and randos on the street are asking when I'm due. I'm like, we've got another month left, at least. They can't believe it. I believe my 21.3cm of amniotic fluid makes me look bigger. I also found out it can cause cord problems or prolapsed cords. Seriously, have to stop reading the boards. But I am going to make a list of things that scare me and address them with the doctor this week. My therapist thinks I should write them out and hand her the list so I can't get shy and not ask. So that is the plan, and husband will be accompanying me for this appointment. It's my first cervical check, AND an ultrasound, and an NST, and an appointment. It's going to be a long morning.
Anyways, I'm huge, very uncomfortable, very nervous, and ready for her to be here safely. I know people keep telling me to 'enjoy' this last time before your life changes forever. But honestly? I have been waiting for her for so long now.... I just want her. We're so ready. I know our lives will be impacted in ways we can't even imagine. But it's going to be so, so wonderful to have our family.
At work, I am training the temp, who told me today she is feeling overwhelmed. I need to step back and take more steps to cover basics with her. I thought she was frustrated I wasn't giving her enough work, but turns out I was sending too much. She will be fine, and they'll cover me when I'm gone without a problem, so I am feeling calmer about this all. But yes. Crazy.
So the mural is almost done in the nursery. Pictures below. We're so close! Now we just need a few more items:
And that's about it!! There is a lot more we will need:
The list goes on, but what I want to have here before she arrives is almost ready! So exciting.
We'll do one big final sweep through Target and Babies R Us and get any last minute items. I have all of this breastfeeding stuff, so I am hoping we can make that work. I've attended our birthing class and our nursing class. We've got our birth plan written. Now I just ... wait. And you all know just how well I wait (not very well). 31 days if we make it to due date. 21 days left of work.
In our packed bags are:
Husband Bag -
Emily & Baby Bag -
Labor Bag -
I'm sure there's more, but that's the essentials.
So I was reading a story about a girl who has Type 1 diabetes, had a breech baby last pregnancy and had a c-section, and wants to do a VBAC. Her doctor and MFM has told her (basically) if it happens it happens, but she is very upset and wants her VBAC. At term. I am so scared of anything happening that I am all like "you want to take her on 38 weeks? Yes, please.". I don't understand how people can have such differing opinions. But I value reading them, because it helps keep mine in perspective. I hope she gets what she wants, but for me, I am so nervous of making a wrong decision, that I'll take a c-section if it's the only way. That being said, I will be upping my Red Raspberry Leaf tea intake to two cups/day starting this Friday. And up to 3 cups next week. I can feel her pushing on my bladder and cervix, and my pee trips at night have jumped from 2 to anywhere between 4-7. So while I know que sera sera, i think this baby is making her way to the exit, as Semisonic would say.
Okay I've started seriously nervous-rambling. What else do I want to record for posterity...
- my counselor is wanting me to check in with her after appointments to help keep anxiety at bay
- work... i don't know. it's just a big cluster sometimes. I don't know what to do about that
- no spotting or blood when i wipe, and good movement
- baby appears to have her head on my left side now, with legs on the left, butt on the right
- I'm not terrified of labor, maybe I should be? But the thought of getting there just makes me happy
- Constantly exhausted
- We put LED lights in the baby room. Which is the coolest thing ever. And our storage freezer arrives today.
- I will ask my doctor about tubular breasts... maybe. Maybe I don't want to know!
- Have started leaking colostrum. This morning Iwoke up with actual hardened beads. That's a first!
okay, more Wednesday.
-Emily
I realize we are being monitored more heavily than others, but it still scares me. Saturday night I had what looked like light spotting. I was a hot mess after that. We decided to wait it out and see, as it wasn't clearly blood. Nothing happened again, so I think we're okay. And baby was moving like CRAZY. Everyone tells me (including the OB) that movement is good, no movement is bad. And lots of movement is good too. So as long as I feel her, it's okay.
I've also been doing kick counts twice a day. Once after breakfast, once before bed. She flipped around I think ,so now her head is facing either out or left, because I'm feeling much more movement when she is moving. However, we do have a lot of sleepy times. I am trying to keep stress levels down at work so she is calmer and so am I. That way consciously feel for her throughout the day.
I feel like in the past week my stomach has just grown massively. Coworkers and randos on the street are asking when I'm due. I'm like, we've got another month left, at least. They can't believe it. I believe my 21.3cm of amniotic fluid makes me look bigger. I also found out it can cause cord problems or prolapsed cords. Seriously, have to stop reading the boards. But I am going to make a list of things that scare me and address them with the doctor this week. My therapist thinks I should write them out and hand her the list so I can't get shy and not ask. So that is the plan, and husband will be accompanying me for this appointment. It's my first cervical check, AND an ultrasound, and an NST, and an appointment. It's going to be a long morning.
Anyways, I'm huge, very uncomfortable, very nervous, and ready for her to be here safely. I know people keep telling me to 'enjoy' this last time before your life changes forever. But honestly? I have been waiting for her for so long now.... I just want her. We're so ready. I know our lives will be impacted in ways we can't even imagine. But it's going to be so, so wonderful to have our family.
At work, I am training the temp, who told me today she is feeling overwhelmed. I need to step back and take more steps to cover basics with her. I thought she was frustrated I wasn't giving her enough work, but turns out I was sending too much. She will be fine, and they'll cover me when I'm gone without a problem, so I am feeling calmer about this all. But yes. Crazy.
So the mural is almost done in the nursery. Pictures below. We're so close! Now we just need a few more items:
- swing
- baby wearing carrier (ergobaby or lillebabty)
- some more packs of onesies
- some more sleepers
- swaddlers for both newborn and next size up
- a couple more burp cloths
- a few more receiving blankets
- nipple guards (I think I might have tubular breasts :( I don't know for sure, but just in case these shields might help...)
And that's about it!! There is a lot more we will need:
- baby walker
- high chair
- running stroller
- boppy chair
- boppy pillow
- extra crib mattress (for our Secure Beginnings mattress)
The list goes on, but what I want to have here before she arrives is almost ready! So exciting.
We'll do one big final sweep through Target and Babies R Us and get any last minute items. I have all of this breastfeeding stuff, so I am hoping we can make that work. I've attended our birthing class and our nursing class. We've got our birth plan written. Now I just ... wait. And you all know just how well I wait (not very well). 31 days if we make it to due date. 21 days left of work.
In our packed bags are:
Husband Bag -
- Outfit essentials (boxers, pajamas, socks, t-shirts)
- Towel
- Pillow & Blanket
- Soap, facial moisturizer, deodorant
- Carseat (this is in the car...)
Emily & Baby Bag -
- 3 outfits for me (one nice one for pics, the rest are comfy)
- 1 Nursing bra
- 1 Nursing tank
- 1 onesie (plan on getting an additional outfit or two when we do our final shop for different sizes)
- 2 NB cloth diapers for pictures
- Nipple cream just in case
- Makeup bag
- Soap, shampoo, conditioner, deodorant
- 1 receiving blanket
- 1 muslin swaddle
- Socks (me and baby)
- Baby hat
- Debating a boppy if we get one
- A baggy full of wipes
- Colace
- Phone charger
- Pack of Magic the Gathering cards and deck to play with
- Ponytail holders and brush
Labor Bag -
- Two robes
- Fuzzy slipper socks
- Massage oil
- Heating pad
- Chapstick
- Lotion
- Contacts & solution
- Camera
I'm sure there's more, but that's the essentials.
So I was reading a story about a girl who has Type 1 diabetes, had a breech baby last pregnancy and had a c-section, and wants to do a VBAC. Her doctor and MFM has told her (basically) if it happens it happens, but she is very upset and wants her VBAC. At term. I am so scared of anything happening that I am all like "you want to take her on 38 weeks? Yes, please.". I don't understand how people can have such differing opinions. But I value reading them, because it helps keep mine in perspective. I hope she gets what she wants, but for me, I am so nervous of making a wrong decision, that I'll take a c-section if it's the only way. That being said, I will be upping my Red Raspberry Leaf tea intake to two cups/day starting this Friday. And up to 3 cups next week. I can feel her pushing on my bladder and cervix, and my pee trips at night have jumped from 2 to anywhere between 4-7. So while I know que sera sera, i think this baby is making her way to the exit, as Semisonic would say.
Okay I've started seriously nervous-rambling. What else do I want to record for posterity...
- my counselor is wanting me to check in with her after appointments to help keep anxiety at bay
- work... i don't know. it's just a big cluster sometimes. I don't know what to do about that
- no spotting or blood when i wipe, and good movement
- baby appears to have her head on my left side now, with legs on the left, butt on the right
- I'm not terrified of labor, maybe I should be? But the thought of getting there just makes me happy
- Constantly exhausted
- We put LED lights in the baby room. Which is the coolest thing ever. And our storage freezer arrives today.
- I will ask my doctor about tubular breasts... maybe. Maybe I don't want to know!
- Have started leaking colostrum. This morning Iwoke up with actual hardened beads. That's a first!
okay, more Wednesday.
-Emily
Wednesday, July 13, 2016
Ghosts of Emotions Past
Today was our 34 week appointment. We had an NST, an ultrasound and an OB appointment. I can't really put into words how I'm feeling, except to say I feel very much like I did a few weeks after our miscarriage in July. I am ANGRY. Angry doesn't quite cover how I feel. I am mostly frustrated, sad, scared, worried and exhausted. I mean, the mental exhaustion you feel after a really long exam that your GPA/career/life depends on. I am just... so tired of worrying about everything. Last night I had to do kick counts cause baby was not moving. I'm just so tired of caring. Maybe that makes me a horrible person, but my little "sensor" Has been running at 200% for 9 months now. It's .... exhausted. I am exhausted. And I'm sitting here about in tears because there's literally nothing I can do about it.
First off, my husband did not join me for the appointment today. Which is fine, he had to work late and I didn't want him anxious and complaining about the appointment while we were there. When he gets like that my BP raises way too high, and I get anxious and fidgety. Since I took a half day from work I knew the morning would be more peaceful if I was alone and not with someone who had somewhere to be at a certain time. But still, it changed my plans for the morning. And I don't do well with change. And additionally, I don't do as well at these appointments when I go alone. I just ruminate/worry/and don't ever seem to absorb anything anyone tells me.
So then the NST goes perfectly, the ultrasound goes perfectly, my BP is 122/80, so not bad at all. My weight is down from last week, good good. Everything is perfect. So why do I feel so horrible? Baby girl weighed in at 6lbs 3oz, so she is in the 95th percentile, and 'average' for right now is closer to 5 lbs. Of course those scans can be off a pound or two in either direction, but we are measuring ahead consistently, so I am tempted to believe we'll be having a large baby.
So I ask my doctor today - are we going to have this baby early? Will we pull her out if she's too big? What can I expect. And basically, the answer is no. Nope. Unless she gets HUGE, we won't do anything. This is a very different conversation than what we had a few weeks ago. Where she mentioned c-sections. So i'm more confused than ever. I was hoping we could be done slightly sooner (even a week at this point would make me feel soo much calmer). I was always one of those people who said "the longer a baby can cook, the better". and it's true! But, the amount of anxiety I've been feeling about these last few weeks is pretty insurmountable. I am just... defeated. I feel like she's going to die. I can envision it happening. I can envision a dead baby, but not a living baby. How absolutely disgusting is that? but it's all I've known. My prior loss. My mom's full term loss. It just surrounds me, it engulfs my thoughts. I am keeping our baby stuff's boxes because I am imaging bringing them back to the store. And I HATE that my heart is so full of that bitterness, but I can't help it. Because I truly can't picture a world where I get what I want. Where we get a living baby. Where things go well. I know they say to try to imagine us in the labor room, with a soft glow, and a perfectly healthy baby sliding out. And I try it, and it calms me down, but there's still that voice in the back of my mind that's like "nope, not you. you don't get that."
This is all on the eve of our upcoming baby shower. And I just feel like now if something happens, all these people are going to know, and it's going to be even worse. And what do we do with the gifts? I just... I hurt in my heart. And it feels so like last July 31st. So much. I want to just kick a wall, break something, run away, buy something expensive and useless, pretend I'm not pregnant because I am so THOROUGHLY in love with this child that the thought of anything happening to her because of me is just... too much. I don't think I could go on. And carrying that around right now, it ... is a lot.
It's a lot.
I'm just not sure what to do with my hands right now. You know when you're at a party, and you don't know anyone there and you just kind of want to leave, but someone else drove, so you can't just walk away? That's how I feel. Do I eat some cheese sticks, do I go sit in the corner and play candy crush, do I walk home? The anger, bitterness and jealous is a little overwhelming. Poeple who have healthy babies make me upset right now. I've been pregnant for almost 14 months total and there is STILL a chance I will come out with nothing. And it's just... depressing. And sad. And I know I'm ranting, but I'm so scared and alone and not a single person seems to understand this feeling, except others who have lost, and I can't be around people who have lost, because it just makes it scarier.
I don't know. I think it's time to get back into my little safety cocoon. Because I am feeling reckless and upset and alone. And those are bad things to be feeling right now. And I love this baby, but I feel like separating her from my love is the only way to protect myself, and then when I think about doing that I just feel even worse, because she needs all the love and support she can get. And I'm scared that BEING scared is going to cause a stillbirth.
I don't know. I really don't. I just needed to vent, because my heart stings with sadness right now.
First off, my husband did not join me for the appointment today. Which is fine, he had to work late and I didn't want him anxious and complaining about the appointment while we were there. When he gets like that my BP raises way too high, and I get anxious and fidgety. Since I took a half day from work I knew the morning would be more peaceful if I was alone and not with someone who had somewhere to be at a certain time. But still, it changed my plans for the morning. And I don't do well with change. And additionally, I don't do as well at these appointments when I go alone. I just ruminate/worry/and don't ever seem to absorb anything anyone tells me.
So then the NST goes perfectly, the ultrasound goes perfectly, my BP is 122/80, so not bad at all. My weight is down from last week, good good. Everything is perfect. So why do I feel so horrible? Baby girl weighed in at 6lbs 3oz, so she is in the 95th percentile, and 'average' for right now is closer to 5 lbs. Of course those scans can be off a pound or two in either direction, but we are measuring ahead consistently, so I am tempted to believe we'll be having a large baby.
So I ask my doctor today - are we going to have this baby early? Will we pull her out if she's too big? What can I expect. And basically, the answer is no. Nope. Unless she gets HUGE, we won't do anything. This is a very different conversation than what we had a few weeks ago. Where she mentioned c-sections. So i'm more confused than ever. I was hoping we could be done slightly sooner (even a week at this point would make me feel soo much calmer). I was always one of those people who said "the longer a baby can cook, the better". and it's true! But, the amount of anxiety I've been feeling about these last few weeks is pretty insurmountable. I am just... defeated. I feel like she's going to die. I can envision it happening. I can envision a dead baby, but not a living baby. How absolutely disgusting is that? but it's all I've known. My prior loss. My mom's full term loss. It just surrounds me, it engulfs my thoughts. I am keeping our baby stuff's boxes because I am imaging bringing them back to the store. And I HATE that my heart is so full of that bitterness, but I can't help it. Because I truly can't picture a world where I get what I want. Where we get a living baby. Where things go well. I know they say to try to imagine us in the labor room, with a soft glow, and a perfectly healthy baby sliding out. And I try it, and it calms me down, but there's still that voice in the back of my mind that's like "nope, not you. you don't get that."
This is all on the eve of our upcoming baby shower. And I just feel like now if something happens, all these people are going to know, and it's going to be even worse. And what do we do with the gifts? I just... I hurt in my heart. And it feels so like last July 31st. So much. I want to just kick a wall, break something, run away, buy something expensive and useless, pretend I'm not pregnant because I am so THOROUGHLY in love with this child that the thought of anything happening to her because of me is just... too much. I don't think I could go on. And carrying that around right now, it ... is a lot.
It's a lot.
I'm just not sure what to do with my hands right now. You know when you're at a party, and you don't know anyone there and you just kind of want to leave, but someone else drove, so you can't just walk away? That's how I feel. Do I eat some cheese sticks, do I go sit in the corner and play candy crush, do I walk home? The anger, bitterness and jealous is a little overwhelming. Poeple who have healthy babies make me upset right now. I've been pregnant for almost 14 months total and there is STILL a chance I will come out with nothing. And it's just... depressing. And sad. And I know I'm ranting, but I'm so scared and alone and not a single person seems to understand this feeling, except others who have lost, and I can't be around people who have lost, because it just makes it scarier.
I don't know. I think it's time to get back into my little safety cocoon. Because I am feeling reckless and upset and alone. And those are bad things to be feeling right now. And I love this baby, but I feel like separating her from my love is the only way to protect myself, and then when I think about doing that I just feel even worse, because she needs all the love and support she can get. And I'm scared that BEING scared is going to cause a stillbirth.
I don't know. I really don't. I just needed to vent, because my heart stings with sadness right now.
Thursday, July 7, 2016
Contractions
Had my first ever morning contraction today (or braxton hicks, still undecided). Husband thinks I was contracting all through the night too. Insane!
I believe my body is going to do brilliantly, and will be able to have her on our own without a c-section ahead of schedule so her giant little tummy will fit.
That's my plan, and I'm sticking to it! :)
Also, woke up with a headache :( Hoping the call from the doctor today or tomorrow isn't terrible news!
And carpal tunnel is starting in my left hand... gotta stop playing Candy Crush Soda Saga before bed... tut.
A side note for myself - I still would love to consider a career as a midwife or doula... Maybe someday, as I know it would take tons of schooling. I just want to help women through this process. As much as possible. It's so scary and isolating.
I believe my body is going to do brilliantly, and will be able to have her on our own without a c-section ahead of schedule so her giant little tummy will fit.
That's my plan, and I'm sticking to it! :)
Also, woke up with a headache :( Hoping the call from the doctor today or tomorrow isn't terrible news!
And carpal tunnel is starting in my left hand... gotta stop playing Candy Crush Soda Saga before bed... tut.
A side note for myself - I still would love to consider a career as a midwife or doula... Maybe someday, as I know it would take tons of schooling. I just want to help women through this process. As much as possible. It's so scary and isolating.
Wednesday, July 6, 2016
33 week check-in
Things are really taking off now!
First Non Stress Test (NST) and it was very strange. Baby girl kept slipping away from the monitor and we had to restart. But eventually we got a good baseline. The doctor says her heart sounds beautiful. She kept going from 130s - 160s, which seems high to me? But I could be wrong. I obviously am not a doctor.
After that, I had my check up. My glucose numbers have gone up this week, and are getting harder to manage, but they are still mostly under 130. She doesn't feel comfortable medicating yet, so we are doing a panel to test my blood sugar, and I am now going to be testing every 1 and 2 hours after meals. It's insane!
I also told her about my headaches... and my blood pressure was higher than normal 130/80 (usually 120/65-70). So I am supposed to call this week if the headaches get worse. We also did a preeclampsia panel to see where we are as a baseline for that. I don't know what that means, so I need to do more research and figure out what she will be looking for. They haven't had any protein in my urine samples yet, so that is a good sign. I am hoping the headaches are just the changing weather and lessening my caffeine intake, but the rising BP doesn't assure me that's the case.
So next Wednesday we'll have an ultrasound, another NST, and an appointment, and hopefully bloodwork will be back by then.
I really want to get this baby to 36 weeks. That's my goal, and I want to deliver naturally. So, 3 more weeks tiny baby, we can do it!!! Ideally we'd get to 40, but all signs are pointing to that not happening.
If I get a call tomorrow about blood panels I will update.
-Em
First Non Stress Test (NST) and it was very strange. Baby girl kept slipping away from the monitor and we had to restart. But eventually we got a good baseline. The doctor says her heart sounds beautiful. She kept going from 130s - 160s, which seems high to me? But I could be wrong. I obviously am not a doctor.
After that, I had my check up. My glucose numbers have gone up this week, and are getting harder to manage, but they are still mostly under 130. She doesn't feel comfortable medicating yet, so we are doing a panel to test my blood sugar, and I am now going to be testing every 1 and 2 hours after meals. It's insane!
I also told her about my headaches... and my blood pressure was higher than normal 130/80 (usually 120/65-70). So I am supposed to call this week if the headaches get worse. We also did a preeclampsia panel to see where we are as a baseline for that. I don't know what that means, so I need to do more research and figure out what she will be looking for. They haven't had any protein in my urine samples yet, so that is a good sign. I am hoping the headaches are just the changing weather and lessening my caffeine intake, but the rising BP doesn't assure me that's the case.
So next Wednesday we'll have an ultrasound, another NST, and an appointment, and hopefully bloodwork will be back by then.
I really want to get this baby to 36 weeks. That's my goal, and I want to deliver naturally. So, 3 more weeks tiny baby, we can do it!!! Ideally we'd get to 40, but all signs are pointing to that not happening.
If I get a call tomorrow about blood panels I will update.
-Em
Tuesday, July 5, 2016
More Frequent Check-Ins
So Sunday afternoon I almost went to the hospital because I hadn't really felt baby give any good kicks all day, or the night before. I got dressed, decided I'd doppler her just to make myself feel better and she kicked the doppler off my stomach, and then went ballistic. So I did not go to the hospital.
My husband noted that we have a pattern. It's two days of movement, one day of quiet. So I'm going to start logging on here more frequently so I remember where we are in this pattern.
Friday July 1 - Lots of movement
Saturday July 2 - Movement in AM, quiet in PM
Sunday July 3 - Quiet almost all day
Monday July 4 - Movement almost all day
Tuesday July 5 - Movement in the AM, and overnight
Wed July 6 - Hardly any movement in the AM
This isn't really helpful to anyone but me, but so be it!!
Wednesday we have our first NST (non-stress test). I am excited to go in and hear her heartbeat for 30 minutes. I am going to ask if she'll write me a note to wear tennis shoes to work. My hips have been pretty brutally painful. It's my left buttock, and it pulls sometimes so bad I almost fall down. I will also be calling the chiropractor. Even though she charges like $75 dollars, I think it will be worth it to go and get things adjusted. Probably next week.
The following Wednesday we have our next growth scan, a non-stress test, and then an appointment. I'm thinking I'll take the whole day off work and use the afternoon to work on getting our house organized. OR I'll just take a half day, and take a full day after the next ultrasound day / after the shower when I can put stuff away and do laundry. That makes more sense. Especially since I'll want to come in and work on projects.
I've officially created a countdown at my desk. 35 days left (give or take 1 or 2) until her EDD. Which means I have 35 days to get every project I'm working on wrapped up, the temp trained, and my desk essentailly cleared out in case anything happens while I'm gone (they move me, they fire me, etc.)
I also found my FitBit, and I'm going to start wearing that. I've been having daily headaches, which I think is from looking at my phone too much, but just in case we're getting Pre-E signs, I want my heartrate being tracked.
So yea, that is what is up, more posts to come!! Oh, and later this week I will post about Scrumbles, because he has been on my mind so, so very much lately as we approach the year of our losing him. My heart is heavy.
-Em
My husband noted that we have a pattern. It's two days of movement, one day of quiet. So I'm going to start logging on here more frequently so I remember where we are in this pattern.
Friday July 1 - Lots of movement
Saturday July 2 - Movement in AM, quiet in PM
Sunday July 3 - Quiet almost all day
Monday July 4 - Movement almost all day
Tuesday July 5 - Movement in the AM, and overnight
Wed July 6 - Hardly any movement in the AM
This isn't really helpful to anyone but me, but so be it!!
Wednesday we have our first NST (non-stress test). I am excited to go in and hear her heartbeat for 30 minutes. I am going to ask if she'll write me a note to wear tennis shoes to work. My hips have been pretty brutally painful. It's my left buttock, and it pulls sometimes so bad I almost fall down. I will also be calling the chiropractor. Even though she charges like $75 dollars, I think it will be worth it to go and get things adjusted. Probably next week.
The following Wednesday we have our next growth scan, a non-stress test, and then an appointment. I'm thinking I'll take the whole day off work and use the afternoon to work on getting our house organized. OR I'll just take a half day, and take a full day after the next ultrasound day / after the shower when I can put stuff away and do laundry. That makes more sense. Especially since I'll want to come in and work on projects.
I've officially created a countdown at my desk. 35 days left (give or take 1 or 2) until her EDD. Which means I have 35 days to get every project I'm working on wrapped up, the temp trained, and my desk essentailly cleared out in case anything happens while I'm gone (they move me, they fire me, etc.)
I also found my FitBit, and I'm going to start wearing that. I've been having daily headaches, which I think is from looking at my phone too much, but just in case we're getting Pre-E signs, I want my heartrate being tracked.
So yea, that is what is up, more posts to come!! Oh, and later this week I will post about Scrumbles, because he has been on my mind so, so very much lately as we approach the year of our losing him. My heart is heavy.
-Em
More Frequent Check-Ins
So Sunday afternoon I almost went to the hospital because I hadn't really felt baby give any good kicks all day, or the night before. I got dressed, decided I'd doppler her just to make myself feel better and she kicked the doppler off my stomach, and then went ballistic. So I did not go to the hospital.
My husband noted that we have a pattern. It's two days of movement, one day of quiet. So I'm going to start logging on here more frequently so I remember where we are in this pattern.
Friday July 1 - Lots of movement
Saturday July 2 - Movement in AM, quiet in PM
Sunday July 3 - Quiet almost all day
Monday July 4 - Movement almost all day
Tuesday July 5 - Movement in the AM, and overnight
Wed July 6 - Hardly any movement in the AM
This isn't really helpful to anyone but me, but so be it!!
Wednesday we have our first NST (non-stress test). I am excited to go in and hear her heartbeat for 30 minutes. I am going to ask if she'll write me a note to wear tennis shoes to work. My hips have been pretty brutally painful. It's my left buttock, and it pulls sometimes so bad I almost fall down. I will also be calling the chiropractor. Even though she charges like $75 dollars, I think it will be worth it to go and get things adjusted. Probably next week.
The following Wednesday we have our next growth scan, a non-stress test, and then an appointment. I'm thinking I'll take the whole day off work and use the afternoon to work on getting our house organized. OR I'll just take a half day, and take a full day after the next ultrasound day / after the shower when I can put stuff away and do laundry. That makes more sense. Especially since I'll want to come in and work on projects.
I've officially created a countdown at my desk. 35 days left (give or take 1 or 2) until her EDD. Which means I have 35 days to get every project I'm working on wrapped up, the temp trained, and my desk essentailly cleared out in case anything happens while I'm gone (they move me, they fire me, etc.)
I also found my FitBit, and I'm going to start wearing that. I've been having daily headaches, which I think is from looking at my phone too much, but just in case we're getting Pre-E signs, I want my heartrate being tracked.
So yea, that is what is up, more posts to come!! Oh, and later this week I will post about Scrumbles, because he has been on my mind so, so very much lately as we approach the year of our losing him. My heart is heavy.
-Em
My husband noted that we have a pattern. It's two days of movement, one day of quiet. So I'm going to start logging on here more frequently so I remember where we are in this pattern.
Friday July 1 - Lots of movement
Saturday July 2 - Movement in AM, quiet in PM
Sunday July 3 - Quiet almost all day
Monday July 4 - Movement almost all day
Tuesday July 5 - Movement in the AM, and overnight
Wed July 6 - Hardly any movement in the AM
This isn't really helpful to anyone but me, but so be it!!
Wednesday we have our first NST (non-stress test). I am excited to go in and hear her heartbeat for 30 minutes. I am going to ask if she'll write me a note to wear tennis shoes to work. My hips have been pretty brutally painful. It's my left buttock, and it pulls sometimes so bad I almost fall down. I will also be calling the chiropractor. Even though she charges like $75 dollars, I think it will be worth it to go and get things adjusted. Probably next week.
The following Wednesday we have our next growth scan, a non-stress test, and then an appointment. I'm thinking I'll take the whole day off work and use the afternoon to work on getting our house organized. OR I'll just take a half day, and take a full day after the next ultrasound day / after the shower when I can put stuff away and do laundry. That makes more sense. Especially since I'll want to come in and work on projects.
I've officially created a countdown at my desk. 35 days left (give or take 1 or 2) until her EDD. Which means I have 35 days to get every project I'm working on wrapped up, the temp trained, and my desk essentailly cleared out in case anything happens while I'm gone (they move me, they fire me, etc.)
I also found my FitBit, and I'm going to start wearing that. I've been having daily headaches, which I think is from looking at my phone too much, but just in case we're getting Pre-E signs, I want my heartrate being tracked.
So yea, that is what is up, more posts to come!! Oh, and later this week I will post about Scrumbles, because he has been on my mind so, so very much lately as we approach the year of our losing him. My heart is heavy.
-Em
More Frequent Check-Ins
So Sunday afternoon I almost went to the hospital because I hadn't really felt baby give any good kicks all day, or the night before. I got dressed, decided I'd doppler her just to make myself feel better and she kicked the doppler off my stomach, and then went ballistic. So I did not go to the hospital.
My husband noted that we have a pattern. It's two days of movement, one day of quiet. So I'm going to start logging on here more frequently so I remember where we are in this pattern.
Friday July 1 - Lots of movement
Saturday July 2 - Movement in AM, quiet in PM
Sunday July 3 - Quiet almost all day
Monday July 4 - Movement almost all day
Tuesday July 5 - Movement in the AM, and overnight
Wed July 6 - Hardly any movement in the AM
This isn't really helpful to anyone but me, but so be it!!
Wednesday we have our first NST (non-stress test). I am excited to go in and hear her heartbeat for 30 minutes. I am going to ask if she'll write me a note to wear tennis shoes to work. My hips have been pretty brutally painful. It's my left buttock, and it pulls sometimes so bad I almost fall down. I will also be calling the chiropractor. Even though she charges like $75 dollars, I think it will be worth it to go and get things adjusted. Probably next week.
The following Wednesday we have our next growth scan, a non-stress test, and then an appointment. I'm thinking I'll take the whole day off work and use the afternoon to work on getting our house organized. OR I'll just take a half day, and take a full day after the next ultrasound day / after the shower when I can put stuff away and do laundry. That makes more sense. Especially since I'll want to come in and work on projects.
I've officially created a countdown at my desk. 35 days left (give or take 1 or 2) until her EDD. Which means I have 35 days to get every project I'm working on wrapped up, the temp trained, and my desk essentailly cleared out in case anything happens while I'm gone (they move me, they fire me, etc.)
I also found my FitBit, and I'm going to start wearing that. I've been having daily headaches, which I think is from looking at my phone too much, but just in case we're getting Pre-E signs, I want my heartrate being tracked.
So yea, that is what is up, more posts to come!! Oh, and later this week I will post about Scrumbles, because he has been on my mind so, so very much lately as we approach the year of our losing him. My heart is heavy.
-Em
My husband noted that we have a pattern. It's two days of movement, one day of quiet. So I'm going to start logging on here more frequently so I remember where we are in this pattern.
Friday July 1 - Lots of movement
Saturday July 2 - Movement in AM, quiet in PM
Sunday July 3 - Quiet almost all day
Monday July 4 - Movement almost all day
Tuesday July 5 - Movement in the AM, and overnight
Wed July 6 - Hardly any movement in the AM
This isn't really helpful to anyone but me, but so be it!!
Wednesday we have our first NST (non-stress test). I am excited to go in and hear her heartbeat for 30 minutes. I am going to ask if she'll write me a note to wear tennis shoes to work. My hips have been pretty brutally painful. It's my left buttock, and it pulls sometimes so bad I almost fall down. I will also be calling the chiropractor. Even though she charges like $75 dollars, I think it will be worth it to go and get things adjusted. Probably next week.
The following Wednesday we have our next growth scan, a non-stress test, and then an appointment. I'm thinking I'll take the whole day off work and use the afternoon to work on getting our house organized. OR I'll just take a half day, and take a full day after the next ultrasound day / after the shower when I can put stuff away and do laundry. That makes more sense. Especially since I'll want to come in and work on projects.
I've officially created a countdown at my desk. 35 days left (give or take 1 or 2) until her EDD. Which means I have 35 days to get every project I'm working on wrapped up, the temp trained, and my desk essentailly cleared out in case anything happens while I'm gone (they move me, they fire me, etc.)
I also found my FitBit, and I'm going to start wearing that. I've been having daily headaches, which I think is from looking at my phone too much, but just in case we're getting Pre-E signs, I want my heartrate being tracked.
So yea, that is what is up, more posts to come!! Oh, and later this week I will post about Scrumbles, because he has been on my mind so, so very much lately as we approach the year of our losing him. My heart is heavy.
-Em
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