Alright. It's Thursday, July 28. We are two days away from the anniversary of our loss. And this week has been somewhat of a turning point for yours truly.
The first four nights were spent miserable, crying, and freaked out. As I mentioned before, I had what I thought could have been some spotting over the weekend. We never really determined if it was or wasn't. But it stopped, and baby was moving so everything seemed okay.
Yesterday, my husband went with me to my 36 week appointment. We had an AFI (fluid check) an NST (her heart was perfect) and a cervix check (I am dialated 1cm). Everything looks great. I have a lot of fluid (high end of normal at 21.5 cm2. And when the doctor asked if we had any questions my husband told her my fears (cord prolapse, bad placenta, baby dying). And she reassured us that we're doing all the monitoring we could POSSIBLY be doing. And if I wanted to come in twice a week I could. But we're doing as much monitoring as someone with type 1 diabetes.
My fear, aggression, anger... I just ... had to take a big, deep breath and let it go. We have made it. We are at 36 weeks. This baby can come, and be okay. She has made it to term, and I took her there. If something horribly tragic happens (and it could, I am well aware of that), then we will deal with it. But, I have decided I am going to make the best of the next three weeks. Try not to worry, try not to stress, and just enjoy what time I have left with her on the inside before our lives change dramatically.
At this point, she's going to either come on her own, or the doctor will take her out if something looks dodgy. We are kick counting. She is head down, facing right and her feet are jabbing me on my right side. I can feel her almost all day. So, I have to let go and TRULY give it up to God. After I made that decision, I felt a huge sense of relief. Things that had been bothering me stopped. This is different from a 'manic' episode. Because I don't feel any of those crazy happy emotions. It's mostly just a release. A calm. I have done everything I can to keep her healthy and safe. I take my meds, I monitor my glucose. We show up to appointments and I did what I could to get her here. At this point, there's not much more I can possibly do.
So I'm going to be pregnant. And happy. and when the negative thoughts start creeping in (they still do) I will counter them with positive thoughts. I could tell last night as I reached exhaustion and night time set in, I was losing strength in my resolve. So I went to bed. And I woke up with my old mindset, but quickly altered to this new ideology. I want to enjoy the next three weeks. My husband and I will be going on a date night. And we are going to watch some movies we need to catch up on. We're going to enjoy eachother. And not be scared of sex. It's been 9 months since I haven't been terrified of sex... So that's a good thing to be over that hurdle for my marriage's sake!
What else... just a general sense of ease in life. I've been fighting, fighting, fighting so hard. Each minute of the day was a battle. Like I was claiming territory. Now? Now, I just need to let them pass over us, and let this baby decide when she is going to make her appearance. We are so, so in love with her. It actually hurts my heart to think about how much I love her. But I need to redirect that love into joy, and not fear. Fear is going to get us nowhere in the next few months. But love? Love is the answer.
this is not the July of last year. This is a new year. This is 2016, and we are miles ahead of where we were. And yes, we could end up 10 billion times more devastated then we were last year. Or we could end up with the most beautiful baby in the world who we love more than life itself. And that's what I am going to plan on. Because she is in there, scrumming around, comfy and content to kick me in the ribs. And she has her own plan. She always had. Even 36 weeks ago when she was conceived. She has been on her own schedule and has her own little plan. So, I'm going to trust her. Trust me. Trust my husband. And trust the process. We are so close, and I am finally FINALLY feeling some happiness. And joy.
Being scared for 9 months is exhausting. And it puts a serious dent in your morale and ability to love and be loved and I am TIRED of it. I am done with that. I am going to be a better, happier person. Similar to who I used to be, and just have faith.
Also? Immediately after changing my perspective, things at work changed. I was complimented twice on work ethic and the results I produce. Maybe I've been told this before and didn't hear it? But it was nice... like the earth's ebb and flow rewarded my positivity.
There are also two quotes I heard this week that I want to remember forever:
1. You can't choose when you are someone's friend. (In the context of, you can't be a fair-weather friend. Good or bad, if you are someone's friend you have to stay through it, or duck out, but you don't get to come and go as you please when it's easy.)
2. Being a woman means you have to be stronger. (Hilaria Baldwin's mother).
I think these are good ideas to run thoughts by to help gauge the 'big picture', and I will continue to do so.
Anyways, positive thoughts. Enjoying this pregnancy. Trusting my body. And just spilling love out into the universe.
-Emily at Peace-
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Thursday, July 28, 2016
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
Anniversary
So here we are again, 13.4. The day we lost our angel baby.
This has been a long-awaited day for me, and one that anxiety and hope has built and built as we got closer to. I know that there are still tons of problems that can happen after this day/week is over--I know that. But, I already feel so much better. I am half way through this day. No bleeding... knock on wood. Now spotting... knock on wood. This pregnancy has been so so different from the last one.
This morning I went baby hunting and found Bazby's beautiful heart pumping away. I recorded it today, because I want something to remember always. It's getting too big to disappear now, so I heard it floop around a little but stayed strong the whole time.
I am taking it easy, trying not to stress, and have started slowly telling my friends and coworkers.
The sad part? There will be no social media announcement. There will be no certainty. There will be no choosing names or planning a future. We are still scarred and trying to imagine a life where this ends in 9 months with a healthy child. I'm still terrified.
But slowly, I am getting more comfortable that this tiny human is growing. And okay. And we are fighting for it to live. Every decision is considered with the baby in mind. We are thinking about how we're going to set up a nursery, and items we could use for both this baby, or another baby if anything happens, I have my cloth diaper stash growing. (Cutest things in the world, btw... I can't wait to put them on a tiny baby!).
Every day is a small battle, and every morning that we wake up and find a healthy heartbeat with no bleeding is a win. It's all about winning those small battles, and before we know it, we will win the war. And I am going to start letting myself think this is okay.
This strong little fetus who decided it wanted to grow even when I thought it was impossible for it to exist. Just amazing.
So I went for Harmony and Cystic Fibrosis testing (NXGEN), and the lady at the lab stuck me seven unsuccessful times (over a two day period) with no blood (I am pretty sure it made me sick the following day). So I am going to go to the local hospital lab on Friday and try again. Which is funny, because if it takes a week and a half to get results back, we will have our 16 week ultrasound and might get to know the gender before the results come back!
I can't believe we might get to 16 weeks. I never thought it'd be possible. Is that crazy? And after 16 weeks, wewill be at 20 weeks for the anatomy scan, and then we are halfway there. I always said if we reach 20 weeks I will start believing in this happening, and I stand by that.
So, 6 more weeks. That's my next milestone.
Still taking:
I talked to my cousin who is a pharmacist about taking the oral prometrium vaginally, and said that while it does help to get it 'right by the source', taking it orally is just as, if not more, effective. And despite the ladies on the boards, I am going to trust my pharmacist cousin.
So yes. That's where we're at. I'm toying with the idea of going to the Just Between Friends sale in the middle of April to see if we can get some used baby stuff - we need a crib, stroller, and bouncer, among many other things. Furniture. I'd love to get that all second hand. And by April we will be 21 weeks, so it might be okay... we'll see.
Life is weird. This process is weird. The amount of love I feel towards this tiny being with bones, toes, ears, a heartbeat, and tiny kidneys peeing into me... it's insurmountable. And I have so much hope and faith that this will be our Rainbow. I will still keep one foot in reality, because I know how the world can come crashing down, but for now, I'm dipping a toe into the waters of excitement.
P.S. Not knowing the gender is fine. I know everyone freaks out and needs to know. But I feel better not knowing. It feels more natural. Because the gender doesn't matter. It really doesn't. It's my child, and I love it no matter what. And I have not assigned it any personality besides a fiery little baby because of its sassy antics. But I would recommend to anyone going through this Rainbow experience that you wait to find out gender for a little while, because for some reason, not knowing is comforting. I don't think I'll want to know until 16 week scan, and not officially until 20 weeks. But maybe that's just my fear speaking.
P.P.S. I want to name it Pippa if it's a girl. Because Pippa means "Lover of Horses". Husband says no, so I'm hoping to sneak it in as a nickname ;)
P.P.P.S. They say you can't feel the baby for another 5 weeks or so, but I swear to you, I feel my uterus flip around. I don't feel kicks or anything, but I am pretty sure I feel it moving. I mean, it is the size of a peach afterall! I'm pretty sure you'd feel a peach in your uterus.
That's all for now....
Day by day.
-Emily
This has been a long-awaited day for me, and one that anxiety and hope has built and built as we got closer to. I know that there are still tons of problems that can happen after this day/week is over--I know that. But, I already feel so much better. I am half way through this day. No bleeding... knock on wood. Now spotting... knock on wood. This pregnancy has been so so different from the last one.
This morning I went baby hunting and found Bazby's beautiful heart pumping away. I recorded it today, because I want something to remember always. It's getting too big to disappear now, so I heard it floop around a little but stayed strong the whole time.
I am taking it easy, trying not to stress, and have started slowly telling my friends and coworkers.
The sad part? There will be no social media announcement. There will be no certainty. There will be no choosing names or planning a future. We are still scarred and trying to imagine a life where this ends in 9 months with a healthy child. I'm still terrified.
But slowly, I am getting more comfortable that this tiny human is growing. And okay. And we are fighting for it to live. Every decision is considered with the baby in mind. We are thinking about how we're going to set up a nursery, and items we could use for both this baby, or another baby if anything happens, I have my cloth diaper stash growing. (Cutest things in the world, btw... I can't wait to put them on a tiny baby!).
Every day is a small battle, and every morning that we wake up and find a healthy heartbeat with no bleeding is a win. It's all about winning those small battles, and before we know it, we will win the war. And I am going to start letting myself think this is okay.
This strong little fetus who decided it wanted to grow even when I thought it was impossible for it to exist. Just amazing.
So I went for Harmony and Cystic Fibrosis testing (NXGEN), and the lady at the lab stuck me seven unsuccessful times (over a two day period) with no blood (I am pretty sure it made me sick the following day). So I am going to go to the local hospital lab on Friday and try again. Which is funny, because if it takes a week and a half to get results back, we will have our 16 week ultrasound and might get to know the gender before the results come back!
I can't believe we might get to 16 weeks. I never thought it'd be possible. Is that crazy? And after 16 weeks, wewill be at 20 weeks for the anatomy scan, and then we are halfway there. I always said if we reach 20 weeks I will start believing in this happening, and I stand by that.
So, 6 more weeks. That's my next milestone.
Still taking:
- Baby Aspirin every other day
- PreNatal
- Fiber Gummies
- Prometrium 200mg 2x day
I talked to my cousin who is a pharmacist about taking the oral prometrium vaginally, and said that while it does help to get it 'right by the source', taking it orally is just as, if not more, effective. And despite the ladies on the boards, I am going to trust my pharmacist cousin.
So yes. That's where we're at. I'm toying with the idea of going to the Just Between Friends sale in the middle of April to see if we can get some used baby stuff - we need a crib, stroller, and bouncer, among many other things. Furniture. I'd love to get that all second hand. And by April we will be 21 weeks, so it might be okay... we'll see.
Life is weird. This process is weird. The amount of love I feel towards this tiny being with bones, toes, ears, a heartbeat, and tiny kidneys peeing into me... it's insurmountable. And I have so much hope and faith that this will be our Rainbow. I will still keep one foot in reality, because I know how the world can come crashing down, but for now, I'm dipping a toe into the waters of excitement.
P.S. Not knowing the gender is fine. I know everyone freaks out and needs to know. But I feel better not knowing. It feels more natural. Because the gender doesn't matter. It really doesn't. It's my child, and I love it no matter what. And I have not assigned it any personality besides a fiery little baby because of its sassy antics. But I would recommend to anyone going through this Rainbow experience that you wait to find out gender for a little while, because for some reason, not knowing is comforting. I don't think I'll want to know until 16 week scan, and not officially until 20 weeks. But maybe that's just my fear speaking.
P.P.S. I want to name it Pippa if it's a girl. Because Pippa means "Lover of Horses". Husband says no, so I'm hoping to sneak it in as a nickname ;)
P.P.P.S. They say you can't feel the baby for another 5 weeks or so, but I swear to you, I feel my uterus flip around. I don't feel kicks or anything, but I am pretty sure I feel it moving. I mean, it is the size of a peach afterall! I'm pretty sure you'd feel a peach in your uterus.
That's all for now....
Day by day.
-Emily
Wednesday, December 2, 2015
Fear vs. Desire
Yesterday morning I had a really strange thought, "What if I'm pregnant?"
I know that we discussed the likelihood of this being very, very, veryveryvery slim, but the reaction I had to the thought is what is notable.
It was a split second of pure, unadulterated joy. Excitement. A future. And then immediately followed by all out fear. I am scared of this happening again, and I don't think that's something time will ever change. I am terrified of finding another black hole on an ultrasound, of making it 14 weeks and planning a future for a child. I am terrified of the pain I experienced when I delivered him.
I think maybe that's something every new mother faces throughout her pregnancy, some equilibrium of fear and joy. But now that I am jaded to the entire process, my fear outweighs the joy, and I am trying so hard to enjoy the process, and let go, and realize this is going to be a new experience. But I am also a human who is capable of holding two thoughts in her head at once, and one of those thoughts is terror. A tiny voice in my head keeps saying, "I'll never carry a baby to term alive" and "Round two will be exactly the same as the first try." I know we are better prepared, but I can't help feeling these things.
I've been reading a book my mom not-so-subtly left with a stack of mail she brought over called "Still to be Born". And it's helping me get through some of these feelings. Of understanding that our next child is its own person, and how to try to let some of the fear pass without letting our bodies act on it. Nature is cruel and unforgiving, and that is evidenced by the fact that my mind is absolutely positive we need to wait until we get back from "Whiskey Country", but my womb feels empty and demands to have her way. That must be the biological clock ticking away.
Anyways, this is a rambling post with really not point except to show what I am feeling on the dawn of ttc, and how much fear, anxiety, worry, happiness, excitement, joy and love there is in my head and heart all at once. And how the Desire almost always beats out the Fear when it comes to this kind of stuff. And how we, as women and men, grow, and get stronger as we face these trials.
Time is short, so love now.
-Emily
I know that we discussed the likelihood of this being very, very, veryveryvery slim, but the reaction I had to the thought is what is notable.
It was a split second of pure, unadulterated joy. Excitement. A future. And then immediately followed by all out fear. I am scared of this happening again, and I don't think that's something time will ever change. I am terrified of finding another black hole on an ultrasound, of making it 14 weeks and planning a future for a child. I am terrified of the pain I experienced when I delivered him.
I think maybe that's something every new mother faces throughout her pregnancy, some equilibrium of fear and joy. But now that I am jaded to the entire process, my fear outweighs the joy, and I am trying so hard to enjoy the process, and let go, and realize this is going to be a new experience. But I am also a human who is capable of holding two thoughts in her head at once, and one of those thoughts is terror. A tiny voice in my head keeps saying, "I'll never carry a baby to term alive" and "Round two will be exactly the same as the first try." I know we are better prepared, but I can't help feeling these things.
I've been reading a book my mom not-so-subtly left with a stack of mail she brought over called "Still to be Born". And it's helping me get through some of these feelings. Of understanding that our next child is its own person, and how to try to let some of the fear pass without letting our bodies act on it. Nature is cruel and unforgiving, and that is evidenced by the fact that my mind is absolutely positive we need to wait until we get back from "Whiskey Country", but my womb feels empty and demands to have her way. That must be the biological clock ticking away.
Anyways, this is a rambling post with really not point except to show what I am feeling on the dawn of ttc, and how much fear, anxiety, worry, happiness, excitement, joy and love there is in my head and heart all at once. And how the Desire almost always beats out the Fear when it comes to this kind of stuff. And how we, as women and men, grow, and get stronger as we face these trials.
Time is short, so love now.
-Emily
Wednesday, August 5, 2015
"Normal"
As the days pass, things have started to make me smile again, even if for a second. My husband's jokes can lift my mood, and looking to the future is starting to seem possible.
But in those moments of happiness, or lightheartedness, I am overcome with such guilt. I lost my baby not even a full week ago, and can feel happiness. I realize that this is one of the topics people around me don't know how to handle if they have not experienced it themselves, so life goes on as normal, but I am just not ready for "normal".
I am not ready to talk about my coworker's bad hair day, or my friend's weekend trip to the lake. I am not there yet. I need more time, and although I don't want to get stuck in this time in my life, and I DO want to move forward, I just feel like it's too soon.
The nurse from HeartPrints told me that I need to surround myself in a cocoon. Be honest with people. Tell them I'm not ready. Don't put myself in situations that are hard. Or if I am in that situation, leave. She told me to take care of myself. To treat myself in small doses, and as the hormones lessen and time passes, things will feel a little better.
I know it might be selfish, but I am allowing myself to grieve. I want to take as much time as I need to get through this. I have decided my next "Social Outing" will be a Halloween party thing in a local neighborhood with a bunch of women I don't know. No kids allowed. That is my goal for recovery. I know it's a while away, but I don't want to rush this.
I am not ready to forget him. I am not ready to forget what happened. I want to take time and cherish the new thoughts in my head. I want to understand how I'm feeling and address it. I want to cherish time with my sweet husband. I know that most of this post started with "I"... and I'm okay with that.
-Emily
Trying to be gentle with myself right now.
Missing the future my baby lost.
But in those moments of happiness, or lightheartedness, I am overcome with such guilt. I lost my baby not even a full week ago, and can feel happiness. I realize that this is one of the topics people around me don't know how to handle if they have not experienced it themselves, so life goes on as normal, but I am just not ready for "normal".
I am not ready to talk about my coworker's bad hair day, or my friend's weekend trip to the lake. I am not there yet. I need more time, and although I don't want to get stuck in this time in my life, and I DO want to move forward, I just feel like it's too soon.
The nurse from HeartPrints told me that I need to surround myself in a cocoon. Be honest with people. Tell them I'm not ready. Don't put myself in situations that are hard. Or if I am in that situation, leave. She told me to take care of myself. To treat myself in small doses, and as the hormones lessen and time passes, things will feel a little better.
I know it might be selfish, but I am allowing myself to grieve. I want to take as much time as I need to get through this. I have decided my next "Social Outing" will be a Halloween party thing in a local neighborhood with a bunch of women I don't know. No kids allowed. That is my goal for recovery. I know it's a while away, but I don't want to rush this.
I am not ready to forget him. I am not ready to forget what happened. I want to take time and cherish the new thoughts in my head. I want to understand how I'm feeling and address it. I want to cherish time with my sweet husband. I know that most of this post started with "I"... and I'm okay with that.
-Emily
Trying to be gentle with myself right now.
Missing the future my baby lost.
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