Three Options

So this is the last post you're going to hear from me until Monday, because  I am having an additional blood draw Friday, and won't get results until Monday. Unless something happens between now and then, we are currently in a holding pattern.

After spending the night thinking through options, here are the three things that might happen: 

1. We are on the other side of a miscarriage, levels will go down, and I will miscarry naturally before our appointment on Wednesday. 

2. We are on the other side of a miscarriage, levels will go down, but the progesterone is keeping me from miscarrying naturally, so we will need to do a D&C next week before we leave for Ireland. 

3. Everything is fine. 

That is quite the wide range of possibilities, but I think it covers everything. In all honesty, I am hoping that it's option 2 or 3, another week of bleeding sounds horrible to me after July, and I'd like my OB to check out my uterus to make sure it is shaped correctly and does not have any problems with it. 

So yea, we'll just have to wait and see what is happening. At this point, I really have no idea. But I do know that the appointment at the fertility clinic is booked. I have no idea why they are not putting me on suppositories for progesterone (many times more effective than oral). I also wish we could get an ultrasound done before we go another week. But, I bought a fetal doppler (it was on super sale, don't judge me!) to try to see if we can hear anything (I know it's early and I'm fat so it's very unlikely we'd find the heartbeat, but I loved having the doppler before when I rented one, so I'd like to have one going forward.)

My husband and I also discussed our long term options last night. And we decided that if this keeps happening, and my body can't sustain a pregnancy, there will be a time when we tap out and say 'no more'. And we'll pursue other options for our lives. It's a sad conversation to have, but we both have big dreams and goals, and while we want children, we also know that we aren't going to go to extremes and keep putting ourselves through this pain. 

-Emily

Darkening Lines

First test was 12.15 - approximately 11 DPO.

My hcg obsession progression

An Emerald Isle

Good morning, it is bright, early, and beautiful here in Missouri. The weekend we were blessed with had high temperatures in the 70s. I was able to enjoy time with my husband and my mother. She just got back from a two week trip to Washington, so it was nice to catch up.

My biggest project over the coming weeks will be to "purge" myself of unnecessary belongings. Partly because the 'new' Emily is very different, and I like having fewer 'things', and what  Ido have I want to be high quality. The other reason for this cleaning is my landlord told me yesterday that she is selling the house we live in. So we could, theoretically, be looking for a new home. With my husband in school full time, and paying all of our medical bills we don't have the money for a down payment on a home in the area we want to be. So we will continue to rent. But moving is a motivator to pare down on the excess stuff we have accumulated.

So, on to the baby stuff, which is why I'm really here. :)

My levels hit 1.9! HOORAY!! I am officially back to normal. We all knew this when I started my period! But, it is nice that the blood backs it up. I am instructed to contact my OB in a year for my annual check up, or if we start trying and have no luck in six months. She did not want to do any testing, which, to me, feels like a 'go ahead' to see the specialist. October 4th is the appointment with our high risk OB, and I will have much more news for you then.

Until then, I am working out with my new coach and new friend I met through a networking group on facebook. I am down another pound, huzzah! My temperatures never spiked, so I still do not know if I ovulated this month, but we will know in about 3 weeks when I track again. I was taking OPKs (Ovulation Predictor Kits) and had a positive, but only one, so it could have been a fluke?

Alright, here is the coolest thing, I think. We decided (perhaps while drinking... definitely while drinking...) to go to Ireland.

Now, I know I've been talking about cash and bills, and trust me, money is tight. But we just came into some money that deserved a good use. I have friends all over Britain who have offered to let us stay with them for free, and I work for a car rental company, so car hire will be half price. We will pack our own breakfasts and lunches, and try to eat inexpensive (to Tesco!). My husband is writing a six book fantasy novel series, and in book three the characters travel to Ireland. He has never been (and I've only ever been to Dublin) so he will be able to write part of that book while there. We are going to start in Dublin, go visit friends in Limerick, hopefully get up north, and then spend time in London. 

While we are there, I have decided to do Angel Rocks. I will write down names of Angel Babies (or any lost loved one) and take a picture of their rock in a beautiful Irish location. Then send the photos to the family. I've seen this done other places, and it is a very nice way to remember people and also a cool way to experience the world and spread the love. I even started a gofundme. For $15 if someone wants an angel rock, they can have one done in Ireland. For $5 dollars I will compile a list of names and do a larger rock. I think this will be a fun project, and help to offset the cost of our trip. 

gofund.me/angelrocksireland

Oh btw, did I  mention we will be ttc in Ireland? I mean, it's hopeful thinking... we will plan it around our charting, and of course it's a once in a lifetime chance... But we're going to try for it!!! 

Okay, so this is a very happy post, full of potential, possibility, and change. Let's embrace the change. :) 

-Emily

The week of the baby club, and how I am backsliding.

Our two closest couple friends are pregnant. My best friend is due Friday and my husband's best friend is due... right now. They are both having sons. Their sons would be the same ages apart from our angel baby as we are with our friends. We were going to have a built in baby group--our babies would have a group of boys to run wild with as they grew up. 

There is no hope now of our children being anywhere near close in age. They'll reach those pivotal milestones long before our future baby will. And maybe we'll get pregnant again (I hope so, anyways) when they are on their second babies. I don't know. 

But all of this happening this week, it just... makes my stomach clench up. And I feel sick. And sad. And angry. And empty. I feel like we'll never have a healthy baby. I can't imagine how those couples who lose two, three, four in a row and keep going. The strength they must have... I don't know how they endure the loss. I am feeling so discouraged right now. It doesn't help that my hCG levels are wonky, and I'm waiting on yet another call from my OB. For another possible week of surgery. 

So, I sit here, staring at my phone, dreading/looking forward to the moment we get the calls. The squirmy, healthy, angry little boys that are on their ways to us. The first picture of the proud mother and father, holding their perfect babies and the year they've carried them successfully. And I do not begrudge them that. or their happiness. I am not bitter, and I am very happy for them. I still have mixed emotions about whether or not I want to see their babies right away. I just don't know what I'll feel. I am not normally an "emotional" woman, but I do think that might not be the best move to make right now. 

Anyways, I know there is always hope where there is faith and love. But today, I just want to disappear and redo the past 6 months. I feel like a bad friend, but that's all there is to it. I'm just sad and feeling the loss today. 

-Emily

Testing

Hopefully today is my last day of waiting with no news, because I am going in for a blood draw at lunch and tomorrow we'll see what my hCG levels are doing. If they are down to 2, I think I will be in the clear. If not, then I am guessing another Ultrasound and then heading towards the Operating Room.

That being said, this morning I took a home pregnancy test (it was left over from when we were ttc, don't worry, I did not buy any tests yet--that would be crazy). There was a faint positive. I need to do some research on the brand of test I used, but I'm pretty sure this means that there is SOME hCG left in my body, and probably higher than 2. I don't want my anxiety to get the best of me, and maybe blood is a more real-time indicator, but I'm afraid if a home test is showing hCG then my levels might not have gone back down. 

Everything else feels like I'm getting back to normal physically. I feel great, and I think I am going to go do yoga this week and do some stretching before starting back up my running. 

So yea, I will know for you tomorrow as far as what my levels are doing, and whether or not I will need a D&C. Stay tuned. 

-Emily

Hold, Please

I will not be going into an OR this week. My levels are decreasing and my OB thinks it blood, not tissue left. 

I am worried this might be a pivotol point in the future where we go "we should have done the surgery..." but at the same time, there's risk involved in surgery. Especially D&C. that risk is very low, but given my odds lately, I just don't know. 

Don't you wish you had a magical mirror that you could look into the future and make all the right decisions? I know that would be less fun and harder to learn lessons from, but when it comes to my infertility, I want to know what is right,.

Pray my OB is right, here. Debating if I need a second opinion... Just not sure.

hCG level: 85

-Emily

Levels Decreasing: hCG, Estrogen, Blood Count, Emotions

I had my blood tested yesterday for hCG levels and anemia. Dr. W called today to let me know my hCG levels are at 266, and the blood platelets are fine, no fear of anemia.

Tomorrow is a scheduled ultrasound to see if there is any tissue left in my uterus. If so, we will schedule a D&C for Thursday. If not, then we are good to go on to our next cycle. 

Doc suggested she wants me on birth control if we do the D&C to help regulate my cycles and build up my estrogen. When we talk Monday after she's had a chance to review the ultrasound, I will find out if she wants me on it even if we don't do the surgery. I think my estrogen levels might be low, but I have no reason to think that except a hunch. 

So, I will have more for this blog on Monday with another update about what is going to happen post miscarriage.  I think I will take this weekend off from ruminating over this. It was my first morning with no tears. Slowly but surely, we are getting back to a somewhat normal level of life. 

-Emily
"I will face everything and rise
Never gonna quit until I die
Angels keep falling from the sky
I'll take the broken wings and learn to fly
I will face everything and rise." 
- "F.E.A.R." Papa Roach