Adrift in a sea of craziness

There's a lot going on right now. I'm not gonna lie, I'm pretty overwhelmed.

But this is a good overwhelmed, it is a lot of change, and that is something I've been missing in my life for the past few years. 

So first things first, I never called the doctor back. I need to do that. I don't know why I haven't. I guess part of me doesn't want to know, and another part of me thinks it's all fine that is why I haven't heard from him, and ANOTHER part of me thinks it's their responsibility to call me if I have some horrible life changing problem. (Right?!) 

I guess with that in mind, there is probably no problem. And then the "I should still call them" cycle begins again.  Maybe  I will just do it today and get it over with. Bleh. 

Well, we put a bid on a house, and they accepted, so it looks like we are buying a house. We were preapproved for a loan, so now we just have to make sure we can get that loan, and the inspection is Thursday. Something feels right about getting a house before a baby. The master has a nursery attached, so we'll have a baby room attached to our room. There are two bedrooms, so we'll have a guest room, and eventually the baby will move into that room. And there is a finished basement. It's everything we need. As much as I miss Scrumbles, I know that our next baby will be so much happier growing up in an incredible neighborhood, with a house to call his/her own, and a puppy to snuggle with, and a better life than what we would have had just a few months ago. I am pretty excited, and happy that it's happening so soon.

My husband is insisting we wait until we go to Ireland before we start trying again. As much as I want to be angry at him for it, I do think it makes the most sense. I want to be pregnant so badly, and I'm watching as my baby boards friends are all conceiving. I feel like we are wasting time on an arbitrary date. But I know we will have more fun and be more relaxed if we aren't worried about the pregnacny. The stress of traveling, the concern about flying, drinking Whiskey. I know it will be magical if we can experience the trip together. But my biological clock doesn't stop ticking just because I tell it to. And now that we have a REAL LIFE HOUSE in an incredible city it feels even more important to get pregnant. I think we will have to temper that desire with staying busy, exercising, and working on getting the house move-in ready.We also volunteered to have either Christmas or New Years parties, so it will be really fun to be with family and friends around the holidays in our new place. We sign on December 18, which means we will have a house for Christmas. I know that 2016 is going to be a better year. I know it is going to be full of changes and love and building new things and experiences. I cannot wait. 

Alright, changing gears. I am going to tell you a little story. Three months ago I had a second trimester miscarriage. I holed myself away from social events, society, and people. I decided that by Halloween I would be ready to go back out, and that timing was pretty accurate. In that time, my close friends stuck by me, but I was still keeping them at an arm's length. I hadn't seen any extended family since 4th of July. When Halloween rolled around and I was ready to get back out there and live my life, what I realized is that no one was there waiting for me. My friends had forgotten me. Life went on. They made plans without me. I half expected a last minute Halloween party to pop up. We did get two offers, but one was with a friend who hadn't talked to me or asked how I was doing or even knew we had a miscarriage. So. No. The other was a friend who was going to her mom's house. And as fun as that would have been, we would have been the awkward couple that tagged along. 

I guess it taught me a valuable lesson. and that lesson is stick with your family. and don't waste time with people who don't care about you. And that I am a changed person. And there is really no going back. That life before was different, and I feel now how truly connected I am to my husband and how we have eachother and need to stick with each other no matter how bad the world around us gets. I love him so much. 

So, after waking up on November 1st and feeling very alone (not alone alone, but alone in the friends area) I made this list. It is going to be how I live my life from now on. Even though I am incredibly shy, this list will be my new mantra: 

BE KIND
BE CLEAR
BE BRAVE
DON'T WASTE TIME (on people that don't matter)
BE EFFICIENT 
BE CALM
BREATHE

You are welcome to use my list. :) I am finding it helps tremendously in all things. 

Emily

Period.

Have you ever HOPED for your period to start? I can count on my hand the number of times I was relieved when Aunt Flow arrived. Usually it was a hope that she'd arrive early enough that I wouldn't have to mess with her on a vacation. 

Now that we are mid fertility issues, I pray for blood every time I use the restroom. Which, is the exact opposite of what I prayed for when I was pregnant. But I've now gone all of August with no period, and until it returns we can't even begin to talk about the future or TTC. 

I know I mentioned this before, but a coworker told me she had a miscarriage at nine weeks, never went to the hospital, had horrible cramps the following month, and became infertile. I am so scared of that happening. And with no period, I feel very broken in the sense that my lady parts are not functioning. 

That all being said... yesterday afternoon I had my first spotting. For me, periods rarely start with spotting, it just kind of... starts. But this will be a whole new experience, and I think spotting is actually a good sign! I was SO excited when I saw that! I laughed at the situation, because everything is so relative. But since yesterday, no more spotting. 

Yesterday was also my two-week blood draw. We are still monitoring levels, and I'm hoping we're at 2. If we are , and I'm spotting, then I think this is all good news. The only thing I DON'T want is to find out I'm pregnant again. Because with the uterus having leftover gunk, not being on progesterone, and not having blood checked, this could happen all over again. Although I don't think there is any chance of that happening (pregnancy)...

So, fingers crossed bleeding, low levels, and September is the beginning of a new life for my body. 

I also ended up signing up with the personal coach Erica. She messaged me my "plan" today, so I get started for this month with the rest of her girls. I can't wait! Things are looking up, I've started NutriSystem, and so far so good. Weigh in is on Friday with my friend Kat, and we will keep eachother accountable as we go forward. 

So, while it's strange to hope for bleeding, I think it's going to be good.

Also--we just started getting hospital bills. I think they should give you a discount if you don't get to take home a baby. How unfair is that? Sigh. It will also push back our trying, because we need to get financials under control. Sigh. I bet we won't get to TTC until December. Which is still within our ORIGINAL plan, but I am so ready to be pregnant  again. And start our family. Even though my husband is just now processing emotions... so maybe December is a more realistic goal than November. 

-Emily