Deck the halls with bows of holly, falalalala....

Christmas week is here, and there is pep in my step!

We are officially in our new house, and yes, there are a TON of things to do, and yes, I might have overdone it this weekend, but  I don't even care because every little project makes a huge difference. I insulated all of the windows in the nursery (which is essentially a sun room). I insulated one window over the couch, and I an already feel a huge difference. I also cleaned the cabinets and put on new knobs (my husband thought that was a silly project, but it makes me happy and I feel ownership, and love putting my own taste into the place). We also realized that all of the fixtures (lighting, shower, sink, faucets) are in brushed nickel -- which makes sense with the coloring of the house, which is white and cream and black. But the door handles are ALL gold. So we're going to try to paint/stain them a new color instead of buying all new door handles. Since they are expensive. But that is a later project.

We have internet now (hooray!) the bug people are coming Wednesday, and the duct cleaners will be there today. And then the plumber and then after that I think we can manage the rest of the winter on our own. 

I will say though, it's CRAZY expensive. I feel like we're dropping $100 dollar payments like it ain't no thang. 

Anyways, on to the more relevant topic-this pregnancy! 

The lines are now SUPER dark, and a CLEAR positive! Friday night after we moved (when I really did overdo it) I had some achey pain in my uterus and had a little spotting. Since then, no spotting, though I am still wearing a pad just in case (remnants of the last pregnancy fear). The weirdest thing about this pregnancy is that I don't really FEEL anything. Last time I felt pain, and it felt uncomfortable. But I just feel normal, except for sore nipples and after about two hours I get extremely tired and have to sit down. Oh, and I am constantly hungry, but that could just be because I love food. 

So it's strange to have no 'pregnancy' feelings aside from knowing it's happening. I think that is a very very good sign. I am praying it is. I will be taking my little tooshie to church on Sundays with my friend and going to the Lord's house to send up every prayer I can think of to get us through these next nine months. 

To be perfectly honest, I don't think it's real yet. I still feel like it is not happening. Like it's chemical, or a blighted ovum. And I Guess it could be, but that is probably, again, leftover anxiety from last time.  So I will be scheduling a trip to the OB before our trip to Ireland. 

Also, I keep hearing about a particular local doctor. He is a specialist, and I've now had 4 separate people recommend him to me completely randomly. So I think we need to listen to those signs and go see him. I feel absolutely terrible leaving my current OB, but like one of my friend's said, it's not about hurting feelings, it's about ensuring the best future for your baby. So today I'm going to schedule an appointment with this doctor and we'll just take it a day at a time and go from there. 

Life certainly is a crazy place. How quickly it changes. How much hope, fear, love, and confusion can intertwine to create your day, month, or year. I am not going to lie, with the struggles we faced in the past year,I am a stronger person. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, but I have learned so much about myself and life and I am grateful that I am learning, and a stronger person for it. 

All the love to you, dear reader.
-Emily

p.s. tonight I will post the test strips progession

Things are weird, but life is moving along

So, I haven't written here since last week. It was Labor Day weekend, and honestly, I have been trying as hard as possible not to think about things. One thing people with anxiety do very well is ruminate. And that is one of my key stressers. 

As a follow up, last week my hCG levels were at 5.5. I started my period the day after I had the blood test done, (hooray!) and am now back to charting my Basal Body Temperature every morning. That was what I did last time we got pregnant (that was all I did) and it seemed pretty accurate. I am most interested in finding out if I am going to ovulate this time, or if I will have a non ovulated period. Does that happen? It sounded like it could on some of my boards. 

The wonderful nurse from the hospital called me last week, and we found out that the baby was buried, where he was buried, and how to find him. I want to go to the cemetery, but I also am a little scared to. That might not be a normal emotion. I just feel like I am starting to feel more normal, and going out there might bring a cascade of sadness/grief/self loathing back. I will definitely go visit him and his baby buddies ( they bury several babies in a small coffin together), but I just don't know when I will be ready. I am also going to wait to hear from my husband when he is ready, so we can go together. 

The burial did not bring as much closure as I thought it would, Probably because we were not invited and had very little to do with the planning. But I do feel a sense of calm and peace that he had a Catholic burial in a holy cemetery and is not alone. That he is wrapped in linen and at peace in Heaven. He is definitely the coolest baby in his group of babies, and the most loved for sure. (I might be biased ;) ). 

Now we march forward into cycle #2 post miscarriage. According to my charting, if we wait two cycles we could start trying again end of October. I do not think either of us are ready, and we still have so many medical bills and testing to do. I think we will realistically not be ready until November. Which means we get to try again November 11th. We also might be moving to a new place ( a house... with a yard, and a garage, within walking distance of my work ), and if that works out we will want to plan around moving so my husband doesn't have to do everything by himself. 

I am also currently weighing in at 297 lbs, so I need to get down somewhere where I feel at least more comfortable before trying again. We are easily 3 months out. I know that the majority of me is ready, but like I said, there is always fear associated with this after what we've been through. And we can't try again until  we are emotionally ready to face another hematoma. 

Our doctor appointment with the specialist is October 5th. I will definitely keep this blog updated with how that goes, and what tests I request from them. I will also get their feedback. Once my hCG is at 2, I think my original OB will talk to me about options. I hope so. I would like to stay with her, but I am not going to just "try again" without making some adjustments to what happens with my blood and uterus. I really hope she suggests testing too. Either way, I need to know what is happening.  If this happens again and we did nothing to prevent it I will feel incredibly stupid. If it happens again and we tried everything at least I can say "we tried everything". 

One exciting thing happened this week. I met a new friend who is around my weight/height/place in life and is trying to lose weight and get in shape. We agreed to hold each other acocuntable and meet up for the Flying Pig in May 2016. She lives outside of chicago, I live outside of Saint Louis. This so far has been a great motivator, and I'm really happy I found her. Life throws you funny curveballs and sets you on paths. This new path is very strange. 

I am finding new things out about myself. Things  Istruggle with and things  I excel at. I'm a little concerned about my job. I am seeing my work quality unbiased, and it's not great. I do worry my time will be short here. But I have found so many things I care about. Things I could do if this didn't work out for me. And I could be happy. I know  I could. 

Alright, my stomach is killing me, so I think I need to stop typing and go lay down. Not much longer until I get to go home and go to bed. 

-Emily