Bad news (big) bears....

Just got the call from my doctor. Baby girl is measuring TWO WEEKS ahead :( her tummy is bigger than her skull, so we are definitely seeing the effects of Gestational Diabetes.

This is a wakeup call for me. I have been VERY good about the diet, but not as stringent as I should be. So now we are going to make some drastic changes. Because I don't want anything happening to this little girl. Especially don't want her in the NICU after delivery with low blood sugars :(

Alright here we go:

• Exercise - 3x a week, even if it's a piddly little walk 
• No more artificial sugars (that's right - no more diet sodas, no more gatorades, nothing)
• No more caffeine
• Less red meat / More white meat 
• 1 vegetable with every meal - no excuses
• Fruits as snacks instead of crackers/breads

Time to get serious.

Poor little baby, she doesn't deserve to have GD or insulin issues. That's why I need to take control. I am mommy now.

-Frustrated

Big 'ol baby

Growth scan at 31 weeks complete. What we learned? Baby is head down, way back by my spine ( thank you, Baby!) completely tucked away and padded and... big. I mean, like, 90th percentile big. Thank you, Gestational Diabetes.

She is also just genetically predisposed to being big -- her mommy and daddy are tall and huge!

So, here is what we could pick up from reading the screen as the tech was working her magic -

Skull - measuring 31 weeks, 5 days
Tummy - measuring 32 weeks
Thigh bone - measuring 34 weeks

Most of the other measurements were around 32 weeks, and had an EDD of 8/17/2016. Which is about ten days early. Which is about what I have been saying (a week early). Since my doctor has already mentioned c-section, I have a feeling if baby doesn't come on her own, she won't let her get too big and we will have a cut off time.

The weight guess is 4 lbs 10 ounces. Which has a +/- variance of 1 lb. So she is between 3 lbs 10 oz - 5 lbs 10 oz. "average" for this age is 3 lbs 3 ounces, which means no matter what, we're ahead of average. Which we knew.

I do feel like less of a pansy for all this pain I feel since she is probbly around 4 lbs. I mean, if she was 2 lbs and I was hurting this much it'd be like "come on, girl, get over it" but considering she is almost baby-sized, I feel a little better!

So yes, 9 weeks to go... 1/2 a pound added each week, means 4.5 more pounds, or putting us around 9lb 2oz. Eegads.

Still just waiting on a call from my doctor to get her official feedback. I doubt she'll move our EDD, but I know we'll be watching this baby and my blood pressure pretty closely.

Also, she has her daddy's chin. She's going to look like him sooo much. That's my guess/hope, anyways. :)

More next Wednesday when we go in for our very first non-stress test, and another appointment.

-Em

Friday Growth Scan Anticipation...

I'll admit it, the majority of this pregnancy I have mostly been scared.

Now that baby girl is giving me good movement with somewhat consistency and we've had my OB look at an US and tell me everything looked okay, I am starting to get excited, and honestly? Breathe a little. As long as nothing happens internally, if she pulls the evacuate cord, we'd most likely be okay.

So, knowing that tomorrow my husband and I get to go look at our baby with an ultrasound technician and see how she's growing, I am starting to get excited. Is this how most women feel the majority of their pregnancies? I haven' really anticipated an ultrasound with excitement--mostly just trepidation. But this? This is a much better feeling.

I'll have more updates tomorrow, but for now, I just want to kind of reflect on things. I will be 31 weeks tomorrow, and my mentality about this is starting to shift, so I think  I should log a bit of what is going on around me.

1. My old boss from London made a comment on a picture I posted of our nursery. "Yea... you're never going back to London, are you?" Little sassy pants. What I wanted to say was "Fuck off, that's mean and you're being a jerk." but after reflecting on it a bit, what I really feel is.... "Sometimes in life, you have to stop spinning your wheels in the mud. Sometimes you have to stop looking backwards, and forge a path forwards." I was so stuck in my cycle. "MUST GET TO LONDON!" that was my battlecry for SIX years. And guess where it got me? Nowhere. What I've learned is that to get somewhere that special, you have to work your tail off and earn it. Sure, I could pay $50,000 to go get a degree there, spend a year overseas, and hope that in the end someone will pay for me to stay. Or I can keep putting in my time, building my resume, and become a strong enough candidate that someone will actually pay me to go over there. So yea, my plan is still to live abroad. But I'm taking a different approach to it. And in the meantime? I'm not giving up on other things I think are important in life - a family. stability. What I tell myself is that I can always learn new technologies and how to animate 3D and edit video on the next program if I already have the basic storytelling skillset. But I can't always have a baby. So I've charted a new path. And it took me about 2 days of crying over that stupid comment and reflecting and hating myself for the decisions I have made to come to the conclusion that I wouldn't have done it differently.

2. My mom and dad got the most ADORABLE puppy yet to be named.  Ilove him so much, and I think he and Freya will be best friends.

3. The baby room is painted and my mom is working on murals of carousels for us. Making plans a reality scared me at the time, but now I am just happy it is ready for her. As a side note - the Secure Beginnings Breathable Crib Mattress is amazing? But it doesn't fit in our fancy crib. The bars are too thick. So we're going to have to modify the crib somehow. I will let you know how we do that.

4. My husband doesn't want anything to hurt the baby. He doesn't understand how Pack n Plays have bassinets, so he thinks when I say she'll be in a Pack N Play the first few weeks she'll be on the floor. His decision was to sleep on the floor and put her on the bed. I love him so much. He loves her so much. It's adorable.

5. One of  BFFs who had a baby in March is giving me a bunch of her supplies that baby didn't use. I am pumped, because we can officially start swapping baby stuff. She thinks she might get pregnant again soon, and I love that, because we'll just continue to hand stuff over as our collection grows. I never thought I'd have friends who would be willing to share, or open to it, or have babies around the same time as us, but now it's happening. God is good.

6. My manager hired a temp for me while I'm out. This is a HUGE honor (in my mind) because it shows I am needed. I get to train the temp in July, and I cannot wait. Training is one of my favorite things to do. I do believe some day I'd love to teach... but that is besides the point. The point is, I am thrilled to have a temp. I hope we work well together. I hope they don't love her more than me ;) I hope she and I work well and we train well together. And it will be a huge relief to have someone else helping out with the way my mind is working now (not so great). And also when my weekly appointments start getting to be a lot of time.

7. I had another miscarriage dream the other night. The anniversary of losing Scrumbles is nearing... July 31. I can't understand why, but I look back on that time following with fondness. My husband and I grew as a couple. Despite the bone-deep excruciating pain and grief, it was a time of self healing. We took care of eachother. We fixed ourselves in a lot of ways. The nights we'd have a few drinks and be in love. The hours of watching funny tv shows and laying in our dark apartment doing nothing... While it was a bout of depression, was also a bout of healing. In some ways, I miss that tiny old apartment. Where we had so much loss and grief. Because it was there that I finally found out how to put myself first. How to self-heal. And how to do what I wanted to do, instead of what everyone around me wanted me to do. Maybe it made me more selfish, but I think I was due some selfishness. And while I don't want to go back to that, trust me, I want this baby healthy and alive, I do have some of the fondest memories of that time. Of letting the cold air of the window units wash over my broken body, as I'd read my bible and think of the future we lost. The excitement at the weirdest things, and the anger. Those emotions-they were new. And I am so glad I felt them and experienced them, because it makes this baby all the more precious to us. It makes the process seem worth it. I've seen the lows. The crushing feel of loss, and now, I can feel my daughter running her fingers along my pubic bone, and telling me she likes donuts and cakes *duh, she's my kid* and I can value the pain even more. Every single second we spend with her (in my womb, and hopefully out) will be cherished. Because I know what it means to only have those few weeks, months, days. And they are sweet and special.

8. I want to get a tattoo for this little girl once she is here. I think it will be a thin pink line wrapping around her brother's feet to make a heart. I'll post pics when I finally decide on art, and when we go to get it.

9. Finances - suck. We are broke as a joke. This is going to be difficult. I am very overwhelmed about the amount of projects our house needs and what this baby will cost and how expensive our lives are with my husband in school. But I also feel confident we can do it. As long as we get ourselves in check and start prioritizing getting out of debt. I listen to Dave Ramsey weekly, trying to get a handle on a plan. And we are just putting every extra penny towards the baby or towards our debt. I am officially chopping up all my credit cards tonight except for one that will be used as an emergency card.


Anyways, there's more, but that's just a summary. Today, my heart is at peace (mostly because I killed a cricket that was keeping me awake all night, and finally slept for the first time in two weeks.)

-Em

10 Weeks and Counting!!!!!

Went to the doctor yesterday and got a lot of my questions answered. I am feeling so much better about things as far as care and how we will progress.

So, my crazy 'bike' hip pain is just... pregnancy. She said that she sees overweight girls, and skinny girls, all with the same symptoms. I was advised to wear looser-fitting clothing as it gets warm, because I am going to get too hot if not, and it will help my lady parts air out. Good advice in general, but hard for someone who likes to have a lot of layers! I actually stole my husband's boxers today to wear under my skirt instead of my usual bike shorts. It is definitely cooler, and not feeling a huge difference in comfortable-ness. So that worked well. I also ordered a pair of super loose shorts to wear around the house.

So, I almost had a heart attack at the appointment, because she couldn't find baby's heart beat with the doppler. Which warranted an ultrasound. The US room was busy, so we had to wait 20 minutes to get in. Once we did, baby was NOT moving. She must have been asleep, but my doctor found the HB within seconds and she was at 135.

We went and had dinner after, and baby woke up a bit. But still, it was a slow day for her. I think this heat has everyone just trying to relax. I know the uterus maintains a constant temp, but... I'm a big puddle of blah.

So here is the plan -

• Next Friday I go in for an official growth scan where we'll estimate how much she weighs. That will dictate what we do going forward. (The weight estimates can be 1 lb off in either direction, so we are taking this number with that in mind).
• The following week I go in for my 32 week appointment. From there on out, we will do non-stress tests on the baby weekly. This is because of the diabetes. So she'll hook her up and listen to her heart for 20 minutes and make sure it sounds okay. There will be a month of weekly visits. 
• IF I get put on the glucose lowering drug, the non-stress tests will happen twice weekly. As much as I love being closely monitored, that is a lot even for me. I'm not sure how I will swing it with work, but it must be done. However, we are still going to try to maintain levels with exercise and diet. That's the plan. 
• At 36 weeks she will start checking my cervix for dilation, and fluids around the baby. She looked last night and everything looked good. I am so so so relieved. 

Since anxiety stems from fear of the unknown, my biggest concerns - not enough oxygen getting to baby, previa, sleeping on my back and cutting off circulation, random still born, and deteriorating placenta  - will all be monitored at these non-stress tests. I am so beyond relieved. I know that it's going to be a lot of time at the office, but it's worth it. And I know we still have ten weeks left, so we aren't even like within reasonable delivery time, but... this is the final stretch. We've got to cross the finish line, and I'm willing to take modern medicine's help if possible.

Also, the official "when to call" regarding kick counts - If I don't feel her when I normally do, and when I take a break TO feel her and still don't, we call. The doctor's example was - if you don't really notice her moving at work, and then get home, lay on your side and have a cold drink and still nothing for an hour, you call. I mean, a lot of the advice i read online is like "babies get sleepy" but... according to my doctor, I need to call. I feel better knowing this. And having some kind of mental gauge. I am also starting to track her active times, so I know when she is usually up.

My good friend who is pregnant has opted out of all testing. I envy her laid-back demeanor, but as much as hospitals can screw things up... something about having someone smarter than me checking on this tiny human is a relief. I know it's all pretty much up to baby and the placenta at this point, but we can do what we can to make sure she is safe.

Now here is hoping blood pressure stays low and pre-eclampsia stays away.

We are so close, I am so in love with this baby... Taking in my last deep breath and soon to exhale as we round the corner on this journey called pregnancy.

10 weeks. 10 weeks. 10 weeks.  10 more Mondays!
-Emily

Goodbye, motivation!

This weekend was rough. Several times I thought I might be having contractions or going into labor. Nope, just my hips. Always my hips!

Friday afternoon and Saturday it felt like a wasp had stung my urethra (I wish that was an exaggeration). I thought I was getting a UTI infection. I did some reading, and others said it was just pressure and hips spreading. Okay, so Saturday and Sunday I did NOTHING. Laid around in bed, rested, no extreme movements. By Sunday afternoon the pain had waned.

This morning (Monday) I can feel it again, but not like last week. Friday I had stood for about an hour and a half chatting with people, and then walked across campus twice, so I am wondering if that aggravated the feeling. Thursday I went swimming, so maybe some combination of the two caused the pain.

Either way, I will be mentioning it at my OB appointment on Wednesday. I originally planned to move the appointment back to Monday the 20th, but my anxiety is getting the best of me right now.  I am so grateful for my therapist, who I saw Saturday for the first time in three weeks. She really does help me calm myself down, and put things in perspective. Also, a good friend who is coming out of that three month newborn fog reached out, and she helped ease some of my fears. So Saturday, in tears, in bed, debating going to L&D.... to today, feeling slightly calmer and in less pain.

I am making a list to ask the doctor Wednesday.

Stuff like-

• What is the plan for the next two and a half months? (I can't keep going and not knowing what to expect. Anxiety, by definition, is the fear of the unknown. So it's time to take control of these appointments). I also want to schedule as many appointments as she'll let me so I can make sure work is informed in advance of when I'll be out. 
• I want to know how we'll measure the baby, and make sure the placenta is still okay. How many kicks is too many/not enough. (Welcome to anxiety, where TOO MANY KICKS is a concern.) 
• What happens if my GD numbers get too crazy? 
• Blood pressure? 
• Swelling? 
• When do I call in to prevent a problem, or when am I being too paranoid? 

I'm sure this list will grow over the next three days.

Anyways, aside from that, trying to focus on positive outcomes. I am picturing baby girl sliding out without issues, hearing her cry, and then feeling her on my chest and counting her perfect little fingers and toes. Picturing us wrapped in a warm light of love and hope. That's my reality. That's the reality I am imagining.

Yesterday I was laying on my side in bed, just with my hand on the left side of my belly button, and I swear I felt her foot. It was hard and small, pushing against my hand. It was the single coolest thing I think I've ever experienced. My daughter's little foot stretching out.

I love her so, so much. If anything happened, I am not sure I could recover. I would be devastated. I know I would learn to go on, but this ... amount of love. This amount of love can be devastating. it is scary. But I'm letting it happen, slowly, because she needs it. She needs all of our love for the time we have her. And if my image of August 26th comes true, she'll get love on the outside, too. But for now, I am channeling my love inward.

Anyways, I should  know more Wednesday after the appointment. Just wanted to get it off my chest here how terrified I am, how much I want her safe, and how my therapy is helping me take control of the situation where I can, and demand answers for the care I'm paying for. Not that my OB isn't already doing this as if everything was going well ( because it is), but I need a little extra coddling ,and she needs to know that.

We also still have to go get the TDapp... D-Tapp? I can't remember. Anyways, it's whooping couch. I'm a little hesitant with all these fetal vaccinations, but since it is in the area, I suppose we need to do it before she's here as opposed to after.

Life is crazy. I will tell you that.

Friday I have taken the day off work to get the nursery ready with my mom. I am excited, but doing this stuff also worries me. Planning for the best, but preparing for the worst might be where my head is at right now. Trying to find happiness in this stuff, but it scares me.

Anyways, love. That's all it is. Just love. That's all we  can do.

-Em

ERGH

I am beyond frustrated. 

Baby girl seems to have 'moved' back down low. I don't feel any kicks in my upper abdomen. It's all low (on my butt, cervix, back, pubic bone). Is this when they 'drop'? It feels far too early for that, we still have 11 weeks to go.

My doctor had to reschedule my next appointment, so I pushed it back three days, but I am going to call today and see if I can take an earlier appointment because I just hate waiting between appointments and now with the less noticable/slower movement, I'm freaking out.

She was so active that I felt her pretty much all day. Now, it's just occasional. I tried doing kick counts and never got to ten yesterday, so I think it's time to call the OB.

Come on August, get here.

-Worried, as usual.

The Final Countdown

My OB said it best with, "I can't believe you're entering into the third trimester already!"

... How are we only twelve weeks way from baby time? I mean, twelve weeks is going to probably feel like twelve months... but it does feel like the past 28 weeks have been a blur (a blur of stress, anxiety, doctors visits, and concern. But a blur, nonetheless).

Yesterday we had our 28 week appointment. Much to my dismay, there was no fundal height measuring, no cervix checking, and no belly width measurements. I was under the impression that starting at 28 weeks we started getting measured. So I left the doctor's office pretty upset and anxious. Then I talked to my friends and cousins, and apparently if everything is "normal" they won't start looking for problems until a little later. Okay... seems okay to me. Next appointment I will be asking about what the measurements will be, how things will be tracked, and getting more information. The not knowing for someone with my personality is the worse. I get let down any time I have an expectation. So next appointment (in two weeks) we will be setting expectations.

Diabetes Update - I officially have crossed the threshold into Gestational Diabetes (earlier I was just dipping my toes in the diabetic waters). My morning numbers range from 85-97, putting my on the high end of normal. Tuesday  I went to the GD training session, and I have to say, I would recommend all pregnant women attend this type of training. It teaches you how to eat to feed the baby, which is really valuable and I was definitely doing it wrong. I was cutting too many carbs, so all weekend I felt sick, nauseous and light-headed. I think that also was a stomach bug I inherited from a coworker. That all combined was no good. But now that I'm trying to follow my customized meal plan, things seem to be better. I am not eating enough carbs during my snacks, and eating too many during meals, which is why my levels are spiking. So we are going to try to level it out by bumping the carbs throughout the day. The best way to look at the gd diet is as a daily budget. I am allowed 12-14 carbs a day (most women get 10-12, but I'm a big girl). So I need to spend them wisely and evenly. If you are on the borderline of a GD diagnosis, I recommend just taking the plunge and going to the class. You will learn a lot!

The follow up session will be next Tuesday when we go over my food and numbers and see how things are progressing. Crazy!

As far as the pregnancy, things seem okay. Baby is kicking away. Last night I did the first official kick count. My stomach sometimes feels bloated and detached, and it is painful, but I imagine that will only continue as it gets bigger. She kicks a lot and I love it. I love feeling her in there. Even when she does the creepy little tiny movements down by my pantyline.

Swimming has offiically started, too. Since my hips seem to be deteriorating in strength, the pool will be my go-to. I have committed to three days of swimming a week. Doable, depending on weather. Once we get into July I doubt weather will be a big factor, as it's always in the 90s+ and hot and sunny here. So that's good stuff.

Overall a good update. I will say the hormones are OUT OF CONTROL. I am sad, mad, irritated, angry, upset, excited, elated... constantly. I am rarely even. I know I was somewhat of a rollercoaster before, but this morning I woke up and found out my husband threw away my lunch for today, and I wanted to throw myself on the floor and throw a tantrum. It is amazing the spikes in emotion!

Alrighty, well, that's it for now. OH, I got the Rhogam shot, and a blood draw for something. And a prescriptiong for TDapp. (That's whooping cough I believe). Crazy to think we're so close now...

-Emily