Anniversary

So here we are again, 13.4.  The day we lost our angel baby. 

This has been a long-awaited day for me, and one that anxiety and hope has built and built as we got closer to. I know that there are still tons of problems that can happen after this day/week is over--I know that. But, I already feel so much better. I am half way through this day. No bleeding... knock on wood.  Now spotting... knock on wood.  This pregnancy has been so so different from the last one. 

This morning I went baby hunting and found Bazby's beautiful heart pumping away. I recorded it today, because I want something to remember always. It's getting too big to disappear now, so I heard it floop around a little but stayed strong the whole time. 

I am taking it easy, trying not to stress, and have started slowly telling my friends and coworkers. 

The sad part? There will be no social media announcement. There will be no certainty. There will be no choosing names or planning a future. We are still scarred and trying to imagine a life where this ends in 9 months with a healthy child. I'm still terrified. 

But slowly, I am getting more comfortable that this tiny human is growing. And okay. And we are fighting for it to live. Every decision is considered with the baby in mind. We are thinking about how we're going to set up a nursery, and items we could use for both this baby, or another baby if anything happens, I have  my cloth diaper stash growing. (Cutest things in the world, btw... I can't wait to put them on a tiny baby!). 

Every day is a small battle, and every morning that we wake up and find a healthy heartbeat with no bleeding is a win. It's all about winning those small battles, and before we know it, we will win the war. And I am going to start letting myself think this is okay. 

This strong little fetus who decided it wanted to grow even when I thought it was impossible for it to exist. Just amazing. 

So I went for Harmony and Cystic Fibrosis testing (NXGEN), and the lady at the lab stuck me seven unsuccessful times (over a two day period) with no blood (I am pretty sure it made me sick the following day). So I am going to go to the local hospital lab on Friday and try again. Which is funny, because if it takes a week and a half to get results back, we will have our 16 week ultrasound and might get to know the gender before the results come back! 

I can't believe we might get to 16 weeks. I never thought it'd be possible. Is that crazy? And after 16 weeks, wewill be at 20 weeks for the anatomy scan, and then we are halfway there. I always said if we reach 20 weeks I will start believing in this happening, and I stand by that. 

So, 6 more weeks. That's my next milestone. 

Still taking:

1. Baby Aspirin every other day
2. PreNatal
3. Fiber Gummies
4. Prometrium 200mg 2x day 

I talked to my cousin who is a pharmacist about taking the oral prometrium vaginally, and said that while it does help to get it 'right by the source', taking it orally is just as, if not more, effective. And despite the ladies on the boards, I am going to trust my pharmacist cousin. 

So yes. That's where we're at. I'm toying with the idea of going to the Just Between Friends sale in the middle of April to see if we can get some used baby stuff - we need a crib, stroller, and bouncer, among many other things. Furniture. I'd love to get that all second hand. And by April we will be 21 weeks, so it might be okay... we'll see. 

Life is weird. This process is weird. The amount of love I feel towards this tiny being with bones, toes, ears, a heartbeat, and tiny kidneys peeing into me... it's insurmountable. And I have so much  hope and faith that this will be our Rainbow. I will still keep one foot in reality, because I know how the world can come crashing down, but for now, I'm dipping a toe into the waters of excitement. 

P.S. Not knowing the gender is fine. I know everyone freaks out and needs to know. But I feel better not knowing. It feels more natural. Because the gender doesn't matter. It really doesn't. It's my child, and I love it no matter what. And I have not assigned it any personality besides a fiery little baby because of its sassy antics. But I would recommend to anyone going through this Rainbow experience that you wait to find out gender for a little while, because for some reason, not knowing is comforting. I don't think I'll want to know until 16 week scan, and not officially until 20 weeks. But maybe that's just my fear speaking.
P.P.S. I want to name it Pippa if it's a girl. Because Pippa means "Lover of Horses". Husband says no, so I'm hoping to sneak it in as a nickname ;) 
P.P.P.S. They say you can't feel the baby for another 5 weeks or so, but I swear to you, I feel my uterus flip around. I don't feel kicks or anything, but I am pretty sure I feel it moving. I mean, it is the size of a peach afterall! I'm pretty sure you'd feel a peach in your uterus. 

That's all for now.... 

Day by day. 
-Emily

Spring Cleaning

I read an interesting article last night that said patients who are told to log symptoms had almost double the amount of negative feelings, perceived worsening symptoms, or additional symptoms. Apparently, the practice of writing out problems adds to them, almost like a snowball growing as it rolls down a hill (and eventually turning into an avalanche). 

With that in mind, I want to change the format of my journaling slightly. I still am going to be 100% honest about what I'm experiencing, but I will try to throw in some positives, too. Sometimes, the positives get lost in the craziness. 

After my crazy cleaning frenzy on Sunday, I have officially slowed down on the brown bleeding. There is still slight discharge, but it is nothing like that Monday afternoon. This tells me I need to keep taking it easy until that baby gets a little bigger. Next Tuesday is the appointment, and I'm hoping we get a scan scheduled quickly so we can get an idea of what is happening. I decided to keep taking the aspirin. After reading several studies and outcomes across the globe, there appears to be very little evidence that baby aspirin  causes defects. And for women with clotting issues, is used to almost term. I do not think I will need to take it to term, but I think I am okay for now. Again, we'll see what happens next week. The hematoma shrunk from week 8 to week 10 and I was not taking the aspirin, so maybe I will wait until next week to see if it is continuing to go down in size. 

I will tell you, I keep a pair of "miscarriage" pants in my work bag, in case I get another huge gush of blood. Is that morbid? Probably. but it makes me feel better. And I am yet to get excited. I've mentally told myself that 20 weeks I will start feeling better. But sometimes, I let just the smallest inkling of positivity through, and I realize how truly, fully, 100% I want this child happy and healthy. 

So, some positive things I've been experiencing, that maybe don't sound positive, but since I didn't have these last time, they are positive to me - 

• OUTRAGEOUS hormones. I am a nut job. Seriously. Everything makes me weep, or angry, or happy. And it bounces around hourly. I'm not even kidding you, this is insane. 
• Nausea. Every morning, sometimes gagging, often times smell-based, rarely puking (only once) but just extreme nausea. 
• Fatigue (okay that was there last time :) ). 
• Constipation. Prune juice every night is what the doctor ordered. Once I get too backed up I feel like I am the size of a beach ball. It's nuts! Our friends told us that they had the husband physically clean out the wife's bottom side when it happened. That's not even an option for us, so prune juice it is.
• Food aversions and cravings. Last time I wanted Mac n Cheese and fried chicken. This time I want fruit juice, cakes, sweets, and FRESH food. I will walk an extra mile to get something that looks "real" instead of something processed. (let's hope that mentality continues on)
• Knock on wood, no major bleeds. I might kick myself for saying this if it does happen, but for now I'm going to count my blessings that I have not had one of these yet.  
• Nipples feel like tiny little needs are stabbing them anytime they get rubbed up against, knocked, or touched. They are ANGRY.

See? There are positives this time that I did not have last time, and because of that, I am going to hope and pray that this baby is healthy, and we are on track. :) The higher heart rate still gives me pause, but I will ask the doctor about that next week. 

I also think we might be getting closer to the second trimester physically, because I am no longer dead asleep by 6pm. It's good stuff. 

Anyways, as always, I will keep this updated with my decisions and what I'm doing. Unfortunately, I was not able to keep taking all my vitamins. It just made me gag. So I need to get back to it. Progesterone, pre natal, and vinger for now. I want to add back in vitamin K and e and omega 3s. I am stopping by Target today to grab some more. 

Alright, that's it for today. 
-Emily

Goodbye Ireland, Hello Reality

My relationship thus far with pregnancy has been for me to give my body, mind, and soul to the tiny human growing inside me, with no end result. No baby to take home. Emphasis on giving the body, btw. I have now spent about 5 months total being pregnant between this pregnancy and the last. Five months gone to ..... a question mark. So you could say my attitude towards this fetus is one of uncertainty. I am (more than) half positive it will end in miscarriage. That is what my odds have been thus far, and we are products of our experiences. 

I am trying to stay positive, yes of course, I want this to happen. And literally every day we inch closer to 40 weeks I feel a percentage point of worry drop off. I want things to be right. Things to go smoothly as it does for so many other women. Once we hit February 12, our official 12 week point, I think I might start relaxing into the joy and love those around me are expressing for our little "blip". This time, my mother has started finding nursery theme ideas, and my husband is planning on how to set up the nursery. And in my mind, all I can think about is "we'll discuss all of this in July when the baby is healthy and viable." I've had two offers for baby showers, which seems so far away to me, I can't even begin to imagine it happening. I honestly can't imagine August 26 - our official due date - being a real day. For me, it is hour-by-hour, week-by-week. Hell, I just bought another 40 pack of overnight pads, because I wear them all day "just in case". 

Maybe I'm neurotic... It's possible. Sometimes I feel like I am.

But I also am trying to be stronger and better and not being so completely devastated again. 

Yes, I went to Destination Maternity and bought some cute work tops and pants and leggings. And I will need workout clothes, too, because I am supposed to lose 10 lbs throughout this pregnancy. (Trust me, I am planning on making that happen). (It needs to happen). But still, it just doesn't feel real. I also think that last time the clot was causing friction and pain, because I FELT my uterus. And it didn't feel great. This time, I feel nothing. Some days, I don't even remember I am pregnant. That is so ultimately different from last time. I'm not complaining. And yes, there is nausea. I feel like there is something stuck in my throat and depending on what I see or smell, it could cause a major upchuck. Luckily, this has so far not been the case! The women on my mother's side are blessed with uneventful pregnancies as far as nausea goes. 

Anyways, my point is, I am jonesing for a drink. Anxious to get back to staying up past 6pm, and so ready to know if this is "going to happen." Last week we were supposed to be on a flight to Ireland. Right before we got on the transatlantic leg of our journey, I started bleeding/spotting light pink. I lost it. We were on the plane, and I lost my mind. Anxiety took over, and I panicked. My husband freaked out, and we were so concerned about having a MC on a plane (one of the smallest planes I've ever seen as far as international flights) over the ocean. I couldn't handle that thought. So we disembarked, and stayed in the city for a week instead of going over to Ireland.

My reaction surprised me. I thought I was being so practical and realistic about this one, but my reaction and fear on the plane showed me that, not so deep-down, I am terrified of this little nugget leaving us. We did the unthinkable (as far as my fear of making waves goes). We changed our course of action for the safety of me and our unborn baby. And while that might sound sweet, part of me is very, very upset that we gave up the trip of a lifetime for a big old fat question mark. And if we do miscarry again, I will feel like it was all for naught.

I don't know if this post has a point. Except to say that I am beyond fear. I am terrified. I am beside myself in uncertainty. I am worried about what will come. I wish I knew the answer, I guess that's the joy of life, we can't know what lies ahead. All we can do is our best. and I would stop the world for my child, I just hope it decides to stick around and be healthy. Because we're all in, baby. We're committed and even though we're scared shitless, I am starting... teensy tiny bits... to come around to the idea that this might happen. That we might have a child in August. That life is changing. 

Anyways, not a big update, just wanted to let you know we never made it overseas, and I'm in a weird mental place. Next OB appointment is Feb 10th, so two weeks away. 

Life is weird. I am weird. Life is changing. I am changing. That is all.

-Emily

Research

http://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0111676

"In general, the earlier gestational age a hematoma was diagnosed, the worse outcome the pregnancies tended to have. One reason for this may be, in the middle and late pregnancy, the gradually diminishing cervical barrier resulting in fast outflow and reduced intrauterine retention of blood when uterine hemorrhage occurs [37]." 



http://www.ajronline.org/doi/pdf/10.2214/ajr.149.4.737

The first decent explanation of a hematoma: 

The subchorionic hematoma probably results from marginal placental abruption during the first half of pregnancy. For unknown reasons, blood, instead of collecting behind the placenta as happens in the third trimester, works its way behind the chorionic membrane and subsequently leaks into the cervical canal. This causes its elevation from the uterine wall. The subchorionic hematoma tends to compress the gestational sac, and in two of our cases this led to premature rupture of the membranes and subsequent abortion. 

http://www.theovalplanet.com/post.cfm/poor-outcomes-in-patients-with-low-papp-a-during-testing-for-down-syndrome

Awesome, something I want to investigate more - PAPP-A levels and miscarriage

From Wikiepedia: 

This gene encodes a secreted metalloproteinase which cleaves insulin-like growth factor binding proteins (IGFBPs). It is thought to be involved in local proliferative processes such as wound healing and bone remodeling. Low plasma level of this protein has been suggested as a biochemical marker for pregnancies with aneuploid fetuses (fetuses with an abnormal number of chromosomes).^[2] For example, low PAPPA may be seen in prenatal screening for Down syndrome.^[1] Low levels may alternatively predict issues with the placenta, resulting in adverse complications such as intrauterine growth restriction, preeclampsia, placental abruption, premature birth, or fetal death. 

http://www.jultrasoundmed.org/content/suppl/2015/06/12/8.6.289.DC1/08.06.289.pdf

http://www.pubfacts.com/search/subchorionic+hematoma

Two days from a New Year, and I couldn't be happier

Out with the old, in with the new.

I have never before felt that was so much my mantra as I have this year. 2015 was a turbulent and not quite wonderful year for our family. The fact that we are just two days away from 2016 - a "9" year, which my friend who is into astrology says is a wonderful thing because it means positive change and in tarot it means energy of attainment and renewal ... (not that I believe in that stuff, per se... ;) - a year of change sounds really great. Positive change. I can feel it, I can feel the past year sloughing away as we slide into 2016. 

The energy seems to be all around us. I know many, many people who are quite ready for the countdown to Midnight January 1st, 2016. This year was full of trials, tribulations, challenges, growth, and awakenings. I think we will carry these teachings into the new year. 

Anyways, I just wanted to check in and let you know how things are progressing, because apparently things are progressing. So much so that I have joined the "August 2016 Birth Club" on BabyCenter. That's brave, bold, and unexpected. But I love hearing stories from pregnant women due in August, like us, who are unaffected by loss and sadness. They are excited--posting pictures of their ultrasounds and planning when to have a baby shower, and discussing what they want to eat. As much as I love my support groups, and plan to stay active with them, I do enjoy the less ominous feel I get from these new or second, third, fourth time moms who may have experienced loss, but are looking positively towards the future. 

So I have decided to try to stay as positive as possible, and just be happy with whatever outcome we have. Because  I have learned that "que sera, sera" and what will be, will be. 

Our unoffiical due date would be August 26, 2016. I love that number, so many loops! 9-26-16. 
I am currently so hungry I could eat multiple cows a day. I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop and get sick. I woke up slightly nauseous at 3 AM today, but nothing came of it. Though, my last pregnancy I was hardly ever sick. Just occasionally in the afternoon my stomach would turn. Last time I hated sweets, and I am still not into chocolate, but last night for dinner I wanted a McFlurry. Just a McFlurry. So that is different. 

I have a doctor's appointment scheduled for January 13th at 10:15AM with Doctor W. this would be 7 weeks, 5 days along, which means we should get a heartbeat, image of the baby, and dating. Assuming she does an US, but after our last experience, I have a feeling she will if she can. If not, we'll schedule an ultrasound for 8 weeks (see, I think we'll just do it). 

I guess, until then, we'll just keep doing what we're doing and staying positive. So far, there has been no spotting, and I do not have that wonky pain on my left side that I had the entire time with our angel baby. I actually don't hardly feel anything at all, except hungry and exhausted (i.e. going to bed at 7:30pm). And the constant peeing and thirst. But honestly, not much else. I am also taking this as a good sign. 

I checked my calendar, and last time I visited the doctor in a panic on June 11, when I was 7 weeks, 2 days. I had been spotting and uncomfortable, and knew something was wrong. That was when she found the hematoma. And I had kept bleeding consistently since then. I already feel better about this. And even if there is no baby, or it's chemical, or even if I lose it this week or next, at least we know that we are capable of getting pregnant again (um, rather easily... as my husband would point out). So that is all positive, and I feel good. I feel like, for the first time in a while, that I could possibly be capable of doing this. Although 9 months seems like an excruciatingly long time for my body to behave, I have hope. I have faith. And I have love. And  I am praying that we can make it through this. 

Also, we put our deposit down on a puppy, so I will have a squishy, fat, puppy nugget to squeeze regardless of what happens. ;) 

-Emily

Seeing Things

So, I am not sure if I ovulated on Tuesday or Thursday, but depending, I am either 8 or 6 DPO (Days Post Ovulation) 

I took a FRER (First Response Early Response) just... because I am a nutcase and I find it fun. The test was negative, OBVIOUSLY, but then I started playing around with the color settings (which is what we nutters do when we test too early) and I swear I see a line.

I understand this could be a. my imagination b. the camera picking up on the antibody dye that is used there c. evaporation lines - the lines that turn pink when testing then fade.

Anyways, regardless of the outcome, I think it's super fun, and the waiting is a big game, and I love this part. So here ya go, make your own decisions! ... :) 

No tweaking done to this test, it is just what I see (a big fat NOTHING)

Tweaked with a different contrast/lighting.... is there a line there.... is it a ghost line.... is it signs of what is to come? I guess we'll find out in a week's time. :)

-Emily

Well hello there, November.

Tut tut, it is mid November and I am way behind on my life goals. I don't know how I got so derailed from my  "LOSE WEIGHT!" "TAKE SUPPLEMENTS!" "WORKOUT!" goals, but perhaps it is crushing depression, an inexplicable fear of success, and distractions.

Or maybe I'm just lazy.

That all being said, it is mid-November. Which means, you guessed it! We are ALMOST THERE for TTC THB #1 (read: Trying to conceive Take Home Baby #1). My husband and I agreed on January Ireland trip to start trying again. So now I am ready to start prepping my womb, body, mind and soul for the journey we are about to undertake. 

Step 1: Negativity be-gone
I have really struggled this past month to not hate myself and what I do. Counseling helps, but when you are your biggest antagonist, and you live with yourself 24/7, it is hard to keep positivity up. I have been reading some psychology magazines and articles, and I am pretty sure I suffer from a condition called "doesn't ever vent anger, so bottles it up and makes herself into a victim". That is a real thing, I swear! If you have no means or outlet for anger, you try to justify and rationalize the feelings. When you do this, you internalize everything and start thinking that everything is unfair to YOU (well, me). "My friends all had babies successfully" "My friends all are able to lose weight without struggle" "No one else struggles financially" ... I must just have a bad streak of luck. Well friends, that is not true. I have an amazing husband, an INCREDIBLE family, a wonderful support system of friends. I am not a victim in any way except to myself. These next few months will be spent healing and trying to soften the blows of the punches I throw at myself. And also trying to emotionally get excited for this process and the nine month (hopefully) pregnancy. I have continually written on here that I don't feel like I'll ever get a take home baby. And maybe not. But we're going to try to be as positive as possible going forward. 

Step 2: Fixing My Body
It needs 30 days for most people to form a habit. But for me, I can't seem to get past about 14 before something 'epic' and life-changing happens that makes me want to celebrate with food. And instead of nudging myself back in the right direction, I go all out and stop exercising and eat McDonalds. That can't be my strategy going forward. For the next two and a half months everything I do needs to be done for me and ALSO for the baby. Because I'm not just eating Lays potato chips for me, but also I'm creating the future home of our child, and I need to protect my body as much as I would protect our baby. 


Step 3: Facing fears
I am not strong sometimes. I will admit that. I am a submissive person by nature. I have a big personality, but my instinct is to duck and run when danger or confrontation arises. But I am realizing that those responses show a disrespect for myself, and I am NOT stupid or incapable. SO I am going to take Papa Roach's advice and Face Everything and Rise. (Papa Roach is my muse, I guess).  Facing fears will involve tackling certain tasks that I have been avoiding, confidently and outwardly addressing problems I have with people face-to-face at the time it happens, and making sure I fix myself up to prepare myself for all of these situations. A good friend of mine told me to get some new work clothes so I feel confident and powerful. I tried getting dressed up today and it worked. I do feel stronger (it could also be the Starbucks frappucino, but I am hoping it's also the clothes and shoes). So, a trip to JCP during their big sales is in order. Even though money is tight, I need some superficial confidence to get through these fear-facing moments. And trust me, I'm a very timid person. 


Step 4: Supplement party
I've listed here before what I plan to take as we start to try again. Starting now through January, I will gradually be adding back in the full regime so those little zygotes have a strong foothold in the world. 

November
Multi-vitamin prenatal
Glucosamine (for my knees, not for baby) 
Vitex (to lengthen my luteal phase) 

December
All of the above Plus
Vinegar (with the Mother - so it is actually potent, fibroids, general health) 
Switch to naturally occurring folate-filled prenatal (in case  I can't digest folic acid in its synthetic form)
Cinnamon (to counteract the glucosamine and regulate blood sugar) 

January 
All of the above Plus
Aspirin (to prevent clotting)
Wheatgrass (dunno, read it somewhere, worth a try to help body heal) 
Cayenne Pepper (another healing agent)

I will also start tracking my BBT (read: Basal Body Temperature) starting on CD 1 (read: cycle day 1, meaning first day of period) (which SHOULD be tomorrow). The tracking will help me understand when I ovulate, and the length of the luteal phase.

Luteal Phase Aside: The length of the luteal phase can effect pregnancies. If your body does not produce enough progesterone after ovulation, the zygote can't implant in the uterus successfully. The progesterone dries up and the uterus sheds its lining too quickly. This can be checked by monitoring your ovulation day with your first day of your period. If it is below 10 days, then you have a shortened luteal phase. (mine is appearing to be around 10, i think optimal is 12) I am fairly confident this hurt our pregnancy--the egg implanted, but pulled away because the lining was not thick enough, and my luteal phase was too short. I have been taking Vitex and it seems to be lengthening my cycle. However, I did not understand the importance of the luteal phase the first time around, and most of my BBT tracking disappeared (Glow Users - if you have a miscarriage and put that into your account, it will wipe all of your data. Which is just wonderful once you are already suffering.)  Aside Finished. 

After ovulation, I will take progesterone each day for nine days until my period. That will help the body produce enough progesterone to develop the lining of the uterus, but by taking it after ovulation you are not restricting ovulation (too much progesterone can tell your body not to drop and egg). 

My specialist has progesterone on order for me, but I also have some left over from last time. Hopefully the new order won't be vaginal, because I've watched a blog (with images) on that, and it gets pretty nasty up in thurr with vaginal progesterone. Yikes.

A note on Vitex - they say to stop taking immediately if you get pregnant, but story after story shows that women who took it several weeks into their pregnancy were fine and had no issues, and if they stopped taking it they lost the baby. It's a personal choice, but I think I will continue taking it until we get a successful "no hematoma" report. Praying for that day... 

Step 5: Not Caring

So, now you know that my day will be centered around tracking, tracking, tracking, and pills. Which kind of takes the fun out of the "T" in "trying to conceive". But don't worry, we are going to go about our lives and just be married. And have fun. I am definitely able to separate the two things, and it won't be an "OMG IT'S TIME" type situation. We're going to just enjoy life and see what it throws at us. My husband truly believes it will happen the first try again, but I am not convinced. Bodies don't work like that. So I think we'll realistically have until spring before this all works and I have any kind of positive. (but one can hope we get pregnant in Ireland with an Irish baby and we have the baby around Halloween - the best time of the year). 

Okay, that is all for today. I am going to also post a really interesting article about having sex all month even when trying to conceive. Apparently your body is distracted, or used to the semen, so it doesn't attack as hard when your cervical mucus 'ladders' are down. Also, another thing I will post is the BEST conception video I've ever seen. 

Emily

All the thoughts originate from the mind.

I keep dreaming about being pregnant. Reading pregnancy tests that show positives. Last night I dreamt I took one, and it was strong positive, but the strip was twisted, so I couldn't turn it in the right direction to read it. 

I also have FELT pregnant, although according to family planning methods that is simply not possible. But the feelings are bringing up a lot of emotions about my angel baby. Last night I was just... sad. For him. For us. For my womb. For the future. I am scared and sad, and it comes and goes in waves. They always say that grief will hit you randomly and you can't expect it or plan for it, and last night was just one of those times. I have started a new weight loss plan "Choose to Lose" by Chris Powell, and it is going to be difficult. And his book had me think and say a lot of affirmations to help me take control over my body, and in doing so, I think it must have stirred up some stuff. 

Maybe I feel like I am turning a page on this chapter. Like it's on to the next one. My husband did not cry with me this weekend. I think he is healing. And that is such great news, I am elated. And I am healing, but it still hurts sometimes. Randomly. Like last night. And I knew so little before everything, and now I know so much that I wish I didn't. And I can't help but think that this will just be how it goes forever. That there is never going to be a warm wiggly baby that I get to take home. So in that line of thought, I just say "fuck it". And then a lot of other things matter more,and I am able to feel better. Even if only temporarily.

I am starting to accept and absorb that we are waiting to try again until January. As hard as it sounds right now,w e are not emotionally, financially, or physically ready to do this again. We have submitted for a mortgage loan, and might be looking to buy a house. Which would be a huge endeavor, stressful, and I wouldn't want to be pregnant during that process. I also know that the exhaustion and life changing events are going to be permanent if we get to take home a baby -- seeing my new-parents friends is evidence of that. So waiting is feeling okay. And getting my body under control is so important right now. 

But sometimes I get sad. And that's just the way this goes, I think .

I also have not heard back from the specialist, so I plan on calling him on Friday. I think he told us if we didn't hear anything it was good news. But you just never know, so I want to be sure. If nothing is wrong, I will be happy. I have gotten to the point where I will be glad to know I am functioning and what we tested for is not a cause of what happened. If it happens again,we will test for new things. I guess it's like the duck shooting game at the carnival where you just keep knocking the ducks down with pellets until there's nothing left and you either solve the mystery, or go home and decide to be wealthy entrepreneurs with no kids....

Anyways, I felt this blog deserved an update, as it has been two weeks with nothing. And that's not me keeping you in the dark, it's me being in the dark. I have no more answers. I just know how to walk the path laid out ahead of me. And we are so far from it being something we are actively trying that I've thrown away the thermometer and tracking and stopped taking everything but prenatals. I don't even want to look at that stuff right now, because it just makes me sad and angry. 

I will update if I learn more.

-Emily

Less than a week away from .... something

I know these posts have been few and far between, but that's because I've been using my time to get myself in better shape-- both mentally and physically. I have tapered off on taking supplements and researching hematomas. I want a fresh start, and Monday, October 4th my husband and I are going to visit the high risk OB. When I booked this appointment it seemed like ages away, and now here we are, less than a week away. I have no idea what to expect. What they'll say. If they'll agree with me on testing. I don't know how the appointment will flow, or even what it will cost. I have no idea what to expect, but I think, for once, that is a good thing. 

It is the first day of October, 2015. The beginning of Fall in what has been an entirely too shitty year. Our wedding anniversary is twelve days away and the temperature has (finally) dipped out of the 80s.  For most people, Fall is a time of reflection and family and looking back on the year. And I usually subscribe to that too. But this year, Fall is going to be about fresh starts, new beginnings, new relationships, and starting a new life. Both physically and emotionally. 

I have started seeing a counselor as I tackle the issues in my life. I know that I am very blessed and fortunate to have what I have and be who I am. But I also know that I've spent the past 28 years shirking away from dealing with things. Emotions, actions, feelings. I feel like, as much as we loved our little baby, this process has helped me find inner strength. I have formed a new friendship, repaired my relationship with my husband, started to take responsibility for my finances, and planning on a real future, not a fantasy future. For the first time since July 31, I am starting to look to the future. I am starting to see a path for us to walk down together. And I have discovered how truly sad I am that we did not start trying to have children sooner. I know they say to wait and enjoy your lives together, but we've had 9 years, and I do feel responsible for not having healthy babies yet. If I only knew then what I know now. But, we can't sift through the past looking for wrong turns, all we can do is plan for a better tomorrow....

And tomorrow, and tomorrow, and then it's doctor day.

I know they will want me to lose weight. (Duh, I am pushing 300 lbs after a 20lb baby weight gain, and I can't seem to drop it). I don't know how soon they'll want to do blood testing. I have weaned myself off all of the supplements I  was taking for the hematoma (cayenne pepper, E, wheat grass, cinnamon, Vitex) and all that's left is the prenatal. So hopefully the blood is pretty pure. ;) 

Something interesting has come up, too. We've decided to wait to TTC again until our trip to Ireland. That is about 3 months away. I am sad we are waiting, as anyone who has experienced loss knows, you want to fill that ACTUAL void, but I am happy we have three months with each other to have fun, enjoy each other, and get ourselves as healthy as we can be before we experience this again. The few months are probably necessary emotionally, too, because if we have another hematoma, it's going to be a really terribly difficult road.  And hard decisions will have to be made. Also, by January our ER bills will be officially paid off. We also noticed that I booked the trip over our original due date. That can't be coincidence. Life is a funny place. 

So anyways, there is not much to update today besides the fact that I am fully healed internally, and I will have more news for you on Monday, and that emotionally, we're getting there. 

-Emily 

Most of pregnancy is waiting

It is Tuesday, and we are 11 days away from 'that night'. The bleeding and cramping has officially stopped. However, my ultrasound on Saturday showed that my lining was still thick, and there were still... 'stuff' left in there. Whether its' blood or tissue, we aren't 100% sure.

Since my doctor is on the fence about a D&C, I had to have blood drawn again yesterday to test my hCG levels. If they have not gone down, that will be indicative of a problem. My OB mentioned that we might do a medicine that causes cramping/bleeding to try to get the remaining tissue out. But honestly, I would rather just do the surgery at this point. Medicine will put me another week away from "normal" and it might result in a surgery anyways. So.. I don't know. I don't WANT surgery, but I'd rather just know I'm cleaned out and ready to go. 

I feel like it'd be a fresh start my uterus.... is that weird? 

Also, it'd give the doctor a chance to look in there and see if there are any abnormalities. I know there probably aren't, but someone like me who worries, it would certainly be a relief of sorts. 

Something interesting happened to me at the blood draw place yesterday. I mentioned to the hematologist that the E.R. had told me I had "really high blood counts". Which, I guess, means high platelets. The very first thing out of the hematologist's mouth was "that is what causes clotting". Alarm bells went off in my head. Someone totally alien to the situation said a key word based on knowledge I learned from our first big bleed. 

I will definitely want to be tested again for any clotting issues. I am going to see if my OB wants to do that herself before we see the perinatologist. Fingers crossed she calls for those tests, because I'd really rather just work with her at first. But, we'll see. I'll do literally whatever it takes to try to prevent a hematoma ever happening again. 

Something else interesting is happening. In my marriage. I am feeling so broken. Everything hurts. Everything is damaged. My womb is empty, and I was unable to carry a baby to term. I have this feeling of worthlessness. And I spent the whole night last night trying to convince my husband he needs a new wife. And I meant it. I feel like a dusty old uterus who can't perform her female duties. I am so angry at my body for failing me. And it's potential to do it again. I wish I could go back in time and start trying to get pregnant at age 22 with my husband. Instead of 27. So far, I'm seeing no advantage of waiting. More issues, more question marks, we still aren't financially wealthy. I just want my body to work, and the failure is causing so many issues for me.

I think that's another reason the surgery would help. A clean slate. Start over, and a pinpointed beginning when I can take back 'control' of my life (I realize we are not in control at all, but it makes me feel better to pretend right now). 

So that's where we are at. I will post more once I hear back about surgery today. 

-Emily

Genetics

I am not a nurse. Or a doctor. Or a medical practitioner of any sort. My expertise is in marketing, entertainment, and writing.

However, since starting this journey to understand why my body failed, I have realized that I am for quite a bit of testing before we try again. On BabyCenter, there is currently a poll questioning if anyone women have any common health issues that might link us all together with these hematomas. 

So far, the only confirmed correlation I've found is a blood clotting disease. But what I keep hearing is a sense that autoimmune diseases can also cause the hematoma. Also, if there are any ... i don't want to to say abruptions, but abnormalities in the uterus. (Either from a prior pregnancy, fibroids, cysts, etc.) 


So, when we had our first big bleed on July 10th, the ultrasound technician saw a fibroid in my uterus by the baby. He did not seem concerned, but checkmark on one commonality. 

Wondering about my genetics, I have asked my mother to compile a list of her 'issues' she had (she also lost a baby in her 9th month....) Here is a list of complications she's had: 

1979 College – erythema nodosum 

1983 TMJ surgery – repaired cartilage in jaw

1985 Miscarriage – blighted ovum 12 weeks followed by D&C; followed by pulmonary embolism [hospitalization, several months on blood thinner]

1988 Healthy baby (ME!) born

1989 Baby boy stillborn ‘cord compression’ / cord damage or clotting?? in 3rd trimester @ 9 months

1991, 1995 Superficial thrombophlebitis left leg, right leg

1993 Deep vein thrombosis left leg

2001 Human parvovirus – was tested for lupus, Lyme, and probably some other things

2008 Dislocated /frozen shoulder – rotator cuff repair

2010 Deep vein thrombosis left leg, hospitalization and finally, diagnosis of Leiden Factor V

2013 Type 2 Diabetes

I may be missing something but I think this covers the relevant oddball things.   

So. Now we have some more evidence of things to look for. She was also tested multiple times for Lupus, which I have seen mentioned on BabyCenter. 

Prepare the gallons of water, because this October I am going to need lots of vials of blood drawn! 

-Emily

High Risk OB / Periantologist

In the fight to control some of my surroundings (since I am losing control of my emotions on  an hourly basis--which results in listening to the recorded baby heartbeat and sobbing uncontrollably) I decided to take control of my situation and book an appointment with a specialist/high risk ob/periantologist. 

Our appointment is in October once my hormones settle down from this pregnancy. I am going to be compiling a list of tests that need to be done. It is is also important to know that my mother has Factor V Leiden. I was tested for Factor V 5 years ago, and tested negative. However, they did not test for any other clotting disorders. Apparently, my mother also had parvovirus. So if she had that before/during pregnancy with me, that is another possibility for SCH. 

Current lists of tests I want done: 

- Clotting disease
- Bleeding disease
- Parvovirus
- Lupus Anticoagulant
- Thyroid (was tested for this once, so I do not think I need it again, but it's on the list) 
- Phospholipid
- Progesterone insufficiency
- HCG insufficiency 
- Fibroids


Until then, I am planning on losing as much  weight as possible (before this baby I was at 280 lbs... I know I know...) By 14 weeks I was holding steady at 296. By end of October, I need to be down to 275. That is the current goal. So my plan: 

- Cross Fit
- Running (love running, had to stop with SCH)
- Yoga 
- Aerobics 
- Healthy diet 
- Daily green shakes 
- Vitamins: C, E, K
- Cinnamon
- Cayenne Pepper
- Wheat Grass
- PreNatals
- 1 tbls. Apple Cider Vinegar / day 


I have downloaded the app "Habits" that helps me keep track of when to take things and when I planned on exercising. It will remind me when I forgot something or skipped something. Of course, I can not start exercising until cleared at the next ultrasound by my current doctor, but once I am done bleeding and feeling better, back to the gym. 

-Emily

"Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand."
-Proverbs 19:21

Research

I will compile a list of websites I have used to research what I've learned so far. As well as a list of good support groups if you are experiencing an SCH. 

Today's keywords that need more investigation: 
-LHTMF5
-Hysteroscopy (they found fibroids in my uterus at the Maternity Triage) 
-Dydrogesterone 
-MTHFR 

Things to be tested for: 
-Thyroid
-Lupus anticoagulant
-Phospholipid
-Parvovirus 
-Celiacs

More coming. 

-Emily

"Once you are real, you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always." 
-The Velveteen Rabbit

WIP - The day we started to miscarry.

The Tuesday Before the Loss, my notes: 

I’m at thirteen weeks and four days. The spotting brown hasn’t stopped since our “big bleed” on July 10. Some days it’s lighter than others. Occasionally, it’s heavier if I have a full stomach or if I ate too much. The goal is to get to 20 weeks, when the baby can grow big enough to put some pressure on the clot and help break it up.

I was diagnosed with a Subchorionic Hematoma (SCH) at seven weeks when I was experiencing pain near my left hip and off and on spotting the prior two weeks of my pregnancy. My original OB (referred to me by a friend) did not have time to see me and do an ultrasound. They told me to go to the Triage center if the bleeding got worse. I quickly found myself a new OB who brought me and did an in-office Ultrasound for me. Dr. W might have saved our pregnancy.

She graciously did an ultrasound for a very panicky me, and found the hematoma.  Subchorionic hematomas, or hemorrhages, are very common in pregnancy. Although it doesn’t appear that there are many studies on them, they appear to not be at all standard, despite their commonality. The size, location, shape, and type of bleed can all affect the pregnancy in different ways. Our hematoma was on the right side of the sac, just below the placenta. It is crescent-shaped and started out as a thin line (it reminded me of the Cheshire Cat’s grin). But, the baby had a heartbeat, and looked like a gummy bear. I was so relieved to see the baby that nothing else mattered at that point.

After the ultrasound, Dr. W told me, in more eloquent terms than I am using now, that we’ll “just see what happens.” She sent me home with prenatals, delivery options (which she recommended I wait to read until we get further along in the pregnancy), and instructions to get my blood drawn at the local Path Group.

I went straight to the lab to get that taken care of, despite extreme fear of blood, and waited. The following Monday, Dr. W called me with very worrying news—my HCG levels were below average, and I was on the low to unsustainable levels of progesterone. She quickly prescribed a supplement that I was to take that evening. [Although progesterone does nothing once the placenta takes over, I am dutifully taking my pill every night. Please remember that I am extremely anxious. Just getting off of Prozac when we saw our BFP.]

About a month went by and everything seemed alright. The wonky pain by my hip would come and go, but I am still not sure if that is not just an unhealed horseback riding accident.

As we progressed, the clot grew wider, but not longer, from what I can tell. I have yet to be given any measurements by the OB (probably to not freak out an already anxiety-laden mom-to-be.) On Sunday, July 26, I started feeling… off. Hot, flushed, and I had lost my appetite completely. I stayed in bed all day except to make myself dinner. I assumed it was the bed rest making me feel the touch of cabin fever. But on Monday, I didn’t feel much better. I took my daily nap on my lunch break at work, and went to class after work to turn in a final. By the time I got home, I was not hungry, very tired, and felt like a bleed was coming on. My uterus felt a little sore, like I had overdone it that day.

The next morning, I woke up and was having serious cramping. When I went to the bathroom I had a gush of dark brown blood. It felt similar to my ‘big bleed’ but less volume, and it was definitely brown bleeding. I started panicking a little, which caused me to get shaky and a little nauseous. The bleeding continued throughout the morning and I was slowly filling up overnight pads with 100% brown blood. The forums all say this is good, but it didn’t feel good, because I was also cramping.

We checked the baby’s heartbeat on the Doppler, and I went to work. Having cleared my schedule, I sat with my feet up and listened to music while getting through my daily routine. It’s very hard to concentrate when you are going through this, but I do think having something to keep your mind busy helps. By this point, the cramps were like waves rolling over my body. Similar to a period cramp, but less painful.

I was a little worried these were labor cramps, but until I saw red blood, I wasn’t going to panic. The ER explicitly told me that if I was filling overnight pads more than one an hour for an extended period of time to come in. But if it was slower than that, I should be okay. Also, last time I was not hemorrhaging, it was from the hematoma. I have a known cause of bleeding, and brown blood is reportedly okay.

 I just wish I knew what was going on inside my body. Like I mentioned earlier, this is all very specific and relative to each individual pregnancy, so you can kind of get a sense of what is happening, but nothing is confirmed. Around 9 AM I needed to use the restroom. I hadn’t had a decent bowel movement in two days, so I wondered if the cramps were related to that. It seemed to help slightly—the bloated feeling I had been walking around with decreased slightly. But the cramps were still there. It felt slightly like a giant vice was gripping my hips and either pulling or pushing them apart. As the pain in my hips decreased, it moved up my body and felt like a muscle spasm.

Around 2pm (same time as the bleed on July 10^th) I stood up to refill my water and blood was gushing down my legs. I had filled an overnight pad in a matter of seconds. I had to strip down at work and try to dry myself off as best as possible. I guess the key here is to keep an extra pair of pants and underwear at my desk at all times if this is going to be a regular occurrence.

I decided to stay at work and see if I could curb the bleeding by sitting back at my desk with my feet propped up. Although it isn’t stopping, there have been no giant gushes like the first time. That is not to say there won’t be, just that it hasn’t happened yet. Currently, I am filling about one pad every hour and a half, which is just below what the baby Triage center said to come in for. I know once I get home and lay down this will improve. Oddly, my stomach almost feels better. The uterus is … tight? Or sore. Almost like it just ran a marathon. But the weird cramping is gone. I just feel fatigued and thirsty. Thank God for family. My mother is picking me up in 40 minutes and will take care of me tonight. My husband is off tomorrow and more of the same. It is at this point in life that I am so grateful we did not try to do this overseas. . .