Hematomas Abound.

I have another subchorionic hematoma. 

I have another subchorionic hematoma.

I have another hematoma. 


Apparently at my last appointment the ultrasound tech did not want to freak me out (as you are aware, I am easily freaked out), but she saw a small bleed. I am finding this out today as I was brought in for an emergency scan due to the increasing brown bleeding I was experiencing yesterday. What she told me today is that the area of the bleed decreased dramatically, and is no longer black, but grey. So her theory is that the brown blood is the hematoma healing and resolving itself. 

The baby is growing perfectly, has a heart beat of 183 (strong!?) and is adorable. It was even wiggling a little bit. 

But I had another ... have another ... subchorionic hematoma. The tech did say "I think this baby is a keeper!" But they are almost ALWAYS super optimistic. I am waiting for a call from my OB today to see if she wants me to get another progesterone shot. Until then, I am putting myself on modified bedrest, and will not be doing ANYTHING for a while. At least until our 12 week scan.

I am relieved, scared, shocked, upset, happy, scared, overjoyed, scared. Mostly scared still, but also happy we identified where the blood could be coming from, and that the area looks to be healing. Healing is a positive, good thing, yes? Yes. Yes. And I am 100% positive this baby is a little girl. So if anyone is going to heal up  a wound and punch her way into the world it will be a tiny me. 

Here are pictures, baby's head is on the left, butt is up in the air. I circled what the tech said is the hematoma: 

Prayers prayers prayers. All day long.

-Emily

Seeing Things

So, I am not sure if I ovulated on Tuesday or Thursday, but depending, I am either 8 or 6 DPO (Days Post Ovulation) 

I took a FRER (First Response Early Response) just... because I am a nutcase and I find it fun. The test was negative, OBVIOUSLY, but then I started playing around with the color settings (which is what we nutters do when we test too early) and I swear I see a line.

I understand this could be a. my imagination b. the camera picking up on the antibody dye that is used there c. evaporation lines - the lines that turn pink when testing then fade.

Anyways, regardless of the outcome, I think it's super fun, and the waiting is a big game, and I love this part. So here ya go, make your own decisions! ... :) 

No tweaking done to this test, it is just what I see (a big fat NOTHING)

Tweaked with a different contrast/lighting.... is there a line there.... is it a ghost line.... is it signs of what is to come? I guess we'll find out in a week's time. :)

-Emily

Adrift in a sea of craziness

There's a lot going on right now. I'm not gonna lie, I'm pretty overwhelmed.

But this is a good overwhelmed, it is a lot of change, and that is something I've been missing in my life for the past few years. 

So first things first, I never called the doctor back. I need to do that. I don't know why I haven't. I guess part of me doesn't want to know, and another part of me thinks it's all fine that is why I haven't heard from him, and ANOTHER part of me thinks it's their responsibility to call me if I have some horrible life changing problem. (Right?!) 

I guess with that in mind, there is probably no problem. And then the "I should still call them" cycle begins again.  Maybe  I will just do it today and get it over with. Bleh. 

Well, we put a bid on a house, and they accepted, so it looks like we are buying a house. We were preapproved for a loan, so now we just have to make sure we can get that loan, and the inspection is Thursday. Something feels right about getting a house before a baby. The master has a nursery attached, so we'll have a baby room attached to our room. There are two bedrooms, so we'll have a guest room, and eventually the baby will move into that room. And there is a finished basement. It's everything we need. As much as I miss Scrumbles, I know that our next baby will be so much happier growing up in an incredible neighborhood, with a house to call his/her own, and a puppy to snuggle with, and a better life than what we would have had just a few months ago. I am pretty excited, and happy that it's happening so soon.

My husband is insisting we wait until we go to Ireland before we start trying again. As much as I want to be angry at him for it, I do think it makes the most sense. I want to be pregnant so badly, and I'm watching as my baby boards friends are all conceiving. I feel like we are wasting time on an arbitrary date. But I know we will have more fun and be more relaxed if we aren't worried about the pregnacny. The stress of traveling, the concern about flying, drinking Whiskey. I know it will be magical if we can experience the trip together. But my biological clock doesn't stop ticking just because I tell it to. And now that we have a REAL LIFE HOUSE in an incredible city it feels even more important to get pregnant. I think we will have to temper that desire with staying busy, exercising, and working on getting the house move-in ready.We also volunteered to have either Christmas or New Years parties, so it will be really fun to be with family and friends around the holidays in our new place. We sign on December 18, which means we will have a house for Christmas. I know that 2016 is going to be a better year. I know it is going to be full of changes and love and building new things and experiences. I cannot wait. 

Alright, changing gears. I am going to tell you a little story. Three months ago I had a second trimester miscarriage. I holed myself away from social events, society, and people. I decided that by Halloween I would be ready to go back out, and that timing was pretty accurate. In that time, my close friends stuck by me, but I was still keeping them at an arm's length. I hadn't seen any extended family since 4th of July. When Halloween rolled around and I was ready to get back out there and live my life, what I realized is that no one was there waiting for me. My friends had forgotten me. Life went on. They made plans without me. I half expected a last minute Halloween party to pop up. We did get two offers, but one was with a friend who hadn't talked to me or asked how I was doing or even knew we had a miscarriage. So. No. The other was a friend who was going to her mom's house. And as fun as that would have been, we would have been the awkward couple that tagged along. 

I guess it taught me a valuable lesson. and that lesson is stick with your family. and don't waste time with people who don't care about you. And that I am a changed person. And there is really no going back. That life before was different, and I feel now how truly connected I am to my husband and how we have eachother and need to stick with each other no matter how bad the world around us gets. I love him so much. 

So, after waking up on November 1st and feeling very alone (not alone alone, but alone in the friends area) I made this list. It is going to be how I live my life from now on. Even though I am incredibly shy, this list will be my new mantra: 

BE KIND
BE CLEAR
BE BRAVE
DON'T WASTE TIME (on people that don't matter)
BE EFFICIENT 
BE CALM
BREATHE

You are welcome to use my list. :) I am finding it helps tremendously in all things. 

Emily

Most of pregnancy is waiting

It is Tuesday, and we are 11 days away from 'that night'. The bleeding and cramping has officially stopped. However, my ultrasound on Saturday showed that my lining was still thick, and there were still... 'stuff' left in there. Whether its' blood or tissue, we aren't 100% sure.

Since my doctor is on the fence about a D&C, I had to have blood drawn again yesterday to test my hCG levels. If they have not gone down, that will be indicative of a problem. My OB mentioned that we might do a medicine that causes cramping/bleeding to try to get the remaining tissue out. But honestly, I would rather just do the surgery at this point. Medicine will put me another week away from "normal" and it might result in a surgery anyways. So.. I don't know. I don't WANT surgery, but I'd rather just know I'm cleaned out and ready to go. 

I feel like it'd be a fresh start my uterus.... is that weird? 

Also, it'd give the doctor a chance to look in there and see if there are any abnormalities. I know there probably aren't, but someone like me who worries, it would certainly be a relief of sorts. 

Something interesting happened to me at the blood draw place yesterday. I mentioned to the hematologist that the E.R. had told me I had "really high blood counts". Which, I guess, means high platelets. The very first thing out of the hematologist's mouth was "that is what causes clotting". Alarm bells went off in my head. Someone totally alien to the situation said a key word based on knowledge I learned from our first big bleed. 

I will definitely want to be tested again for any clotting issues. I am going to see if my OB wants to do that herself before we see the perinatologist. Fingers crossed she calls for those tests, because I'd really rather just work with her at first. But, we'll see. I'll do literally whatever it takes to try to prevent a hematoma ever happening again. 

Something else interesting is happening. In my marriage. I am feeling so broken. Everything hurts. Everything is damaged. My womb is empty, and I was unable to carry a baby to term. I have this feeling of worthlessness. And I spent the whole night last night trying to convince my husband he needs a new wife. And I meant it. I feel like a dusty old uterus who can't perform her female duties. I am so angry at my body for failing me. And it's potential to do it again. I wish I could go back in time and start trying to get pregnant at age 22 with my husband. Instead of 27. So far, I'm seeing no advantage of waiting. More issues, more question marks, we still aren't financially wealthy. I just want my body to work, and the failure is causing so many issues for me.

I think that's another reason the surgery would help. A clean slate. Start over, and a pinpointed beginning when I can take back 'control' of my life (I realize we are not in control at all, but it makes me feel better to pretend right now). 

So that's where we are at. I will post more once I hear back about surgery today. 

-Emily