So this weekend baby was super crazy active. Hooray! Then I went and did some yard work and was more active than normal (which, in retrospect, probably a mistake. My hips feel as though they are being ripped away from my skeleton). And baby girl moved down and back. My bump is smaller, less firm, and she is kicking what I can only describe as my butt and cervix.
I know she's getting bigger, but she must have repositioned. I also feel her less, so this morning I dopplered to make myself feel better. Heart was beating away just fine. I miss my tummy kicks, and the weird booty kicks are so strange.
So last night I laid with my legs up on the wall to try to get her off my cervix a bit, and that seemed to help. She does what she pleases!
Anyways, I'm super excited for pools to open NEXT WEEKEND!!! ahhh!! I am waivering between 299 and 301 lbs, so at least I'm not gaining the average 3-4 lbs a week others are expected to gain. But getting more exercise in will help. My glucose levels are averaging between 75-85 fasting, and the highest so far has ben 148 after a McDonalds lunch. But on average they're between 108-120. All pretty good. I'm hoping I get to take a break for a little bit with the testing, but since I'm so borderline that might not be an option. I faxed over the papers to my OB yesterday, so I'm sure I'll get a call today.
We are also trying to figure out our budget when she gets here. Right now we have about 200 dollars in the red. Mostlly because daycare is proving to be so expensive. We'll be spending $460 for PART TIME care. :'( This is when, like so many of my friends, I wish we had family who could help us out. None of our parents are retired, and none of my cousins stay home with their kids that live anywhere near us. If you have free help, please make sure to give those caretakers an extra large Christmas gift, because this is the most expensive part of raising children. Daycare. I've been researching if it makes more sense to have my husband stay home with her full time, but his income covers our mortgage, and even though it's only SLIGHTLY more than what care would cost, it's still significant. The only option I see is a. me getting a bomb-diggity raise or b. me getting a promotion. Since I am baby-brained and about to go on a 10 week leave, I don't see that happening. So for now, we have to shave out stuff from the budget.
Which takes me into my "pay off the credit card crusade" this summer. My goal is to put every spare penny towards my outstanding CC balance to get out from under my payment. The extra 200 a month would cover the gap we need. So, no more shopping, no more spending, no more clothes, baby stuff, or pyramid scheme items. I have plenty of clothes. Especially since I know the hospital bills will start rolling in shortly after she arrives (another bill we're going to have to try to negotiate down), I need to have a plan. I've been listening to Dave Ramsey, and we will follow his gazelle intensity plan, but it is pretty questionable right now.
I just keep praying that something will fall into place and daycare won't be an expense we have to worry about. Unfortunately, since I don't think that is a miracle that's going to happen, we have to plan for it. So... selling anything I can, and hopefully making some extra money this summer. Not sure how yet, but I need to figure something out. Suggestions welcome.
-Em
Showing posts with label subchorionic. Show all posts
Showing posts with label subchorionic. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 17, 2016
Tuesday, March 15, 2016
16 Week Check-In
Sorry I've been MIA for a while, I am trying to let time pass without overthinking things, but that is proving challenging. So here is what has been happening:
We had our 16 week check up, and baby is great! No signs of any bleeding in the hematoma. Heartrate is good (I still think high, but doctor didn't seem to mind) around 160. She (yes, she!) was laying on her side, so we didn't get a good profile, but the genetic screening came back with great results. Everything appears to be going fine!
Apparently the pain/pressure I was feeling below my belly was still RLP, and my doctor did not seem concerned at all. So the appointment was on a Wednesday, and we left feeling pretty good. The 20 week scan is scheduled, and we are a month away from half way cooked!
So, I guess after the appointment I started overdoing it, because the thick green mucus came back (with a vengeance). I started walking again, and my husband and I had sex for the first time in weeeeks, feeling like everything was okay, well, I'm pretty sure that caused the mucus. After doing some research, I'm fairly confident it was part of my mucus plug. I, of course, freaked out, and immediately put myself back on bedrest. I spent the entire weekend relaxing and didn't leave the house. By Sunday, it had diminished significantly. So by today (tuesday) the mucus is gone, but NOW I have a weird feeling down there. Sigh. IT NEVER ENDS! I am hyper sensitive to begin with, but now I'm wondering if I actually had/have a yeast infection. I have been wearing a pad every day for 4 months .... so I'm wondering ifit's too hot down there. Back to cotton underwear today, and doing some research.
So I think we are past the point of TMI at this point, but it basically feels like ... you know when you accidentally leave a little piece of toilet paper after wiping? it feels kind of like that down there. It doesn't hurt, but it's noticeable. I've checked and can't feel my cervix, so that is good (at least it's not down low). And nothing else seems off, but of course any little thing down there freaks me out. Especially since I'm terrified I have an incompetent cervix after the miscarriage (I know that was labor/contractions, and a hemorrage that irritated everything, but I still just opened up with no issues). I think at 20 week ultrasound they will look at my cervix for the first time, so yay, hopefully we make it through these next four weeks with little to no incidents and get halfway through. Then, we'll be talking about VIABILITY!!!! I am not there yet, we still have too long of a journey to go,... but we're getting closer! And I've been so busy during the workday that the weeks do seem to be passing quickly.
Anyways, that's what's up down there. It's always something, isn't it? I have decide how much I'm going to limit myself these next few months. I am going to err on the side of caution, because we've now made it this far. I have a daughter, and I love her, and I'd literally do ANYTHING to keep her safe. So we're just going to keep taking it a day at a time, and tackle things as they come up.
If you ask any of my care practitioners, everything is 100% perfect, so I am just going off of their diagnoses and telling myself to chill the fuck out. Stress is bad, apparently the cortisol levels can transfer to the amniotic fluid, and stress out the baby. So ... more meditation, more calming relaxing deep breathing, and less worrying about what's going on around me. If I were a horse, you'd be putting blinders on me right about now.
Oh, I think I can feel baby moving... Like right now, it feels like someone is blowing bubbles in my uterus. It's one of the most amazing feelings. The other night I swear I felt a kick! I am going to look today and try to find out why it's called "the quickening" (cause, come on, that's a Highlander thing, and how awesome to call feeling your baby move that??!!!). I wish I Wasn't carrying around all this extra weight, because I know my husband will not be able to feel her for a while. But that's okay, I know he will soon, and then he'll have the rest of his life to love her. :) .... Assuming we get through the next five months.
Also, he made an interesting point the other day. I don't think that I DESERVE to be happy, or have good things happen. Which is just strange, because my life is FULL of great things. I am very blessed and very lucky and work very hard to get what I want. But I think if I start to get excited about this baby she'll die. And I feel like if I want something, I won't get it, because I Don't deserve it. Stuff to talk to my counselor about I guess.
Anyways, I'm sure there's more, and I'll start being more active documenting things, although I feel like these month long waits are pretty much the same. Most of the time I don't feel pregnant (second trimester - golden trimester!) Unless I'm freaked out about something, or feeling pressure, or the baby is moving.
As a side note, I still expect blood every time I wipe, and I still am scared every morning when I wake up (and the multiple times throughout the night) that there will be a pool of blood around me again. I think I have the symptoms of PTSD, and I don't think I'll relax about it until the baby is healthy and viable and preferably here and full term here. So anyways, if anyone out there is struggling like that, just know that you aren't alone, this is a REAL THING, and what you experienced -- no matter how far into a pregnancy -- is a scary, horrible, terrible thing, and while we shouldn't dwell on the past, I want to validate your emotions. If you are scared like me, know that there is hope, and I believe that things can be okay, and that is what gets me through every day.
Also, a friend of mine is in counseling and they're discussing self worth. And there is a little exercise they told me about that goes like this -
This is a process to better understand that you are valuable and deserve good things. But, I am also going to apply the process to the miscarriage. Because I know I have been living in the past with this pregnancy, and now we're in a new week, and we're further than ever before, and people keep telling me it's all normal. So .... I'm going to start looking to dawn instead of watching the sun setting on the past.
-Emily
We had our 16 week check up, and baby is great! No signs of any bleeding in the hematoma. Heartrate is good (I still think high, but doctor didn't seem to mind) around 160. She (yes, she!) was laying on her side, so we didn't get a good profile, but the genetic screening came back with great results. Everything appears to be going fine!
Apparently the pain/pressure I was feeling below my belly was still RLP, and my doctor did not seem concerned at all. So the appointment was on a Wednesday, and we left feeling pretty good. The 20 week scan is scheduled, and we are a month away from half way cooked!
So, I guess after the appointment I started overdoing it, because the thick green mucus came back (with a vengeance). I started walking again, and my husband and I had sex for the first time in weeeeks, feeling like everything was okay, well, I'm pretty sure that caused the mucus. After doing some research, I'm fairly confident it was part of my mucus plug. I, of course, freaked out, and immediately put myself back on bedrest. I spent the entire weekend relaxing and didn't leave the house. By Sunday, it had diminished significantly. So by today (tuesday) the mucus is gone, but NOW I have a weird feeling down there. Sigh. IT NEVER ENDS! I am hyper sensitive to begin with, but now I'm wondering if I actually had/have a yeast infection. I have been wearing a pad every day for 4 months .... so I'm wondering ifit's too hot down there. Back to cotton underwear today, and doing some research.
So I think we are past the point of TMI at this point, but it basically feels like ... you know when you accidentally leave a little piece of toilet paper after wiping? it feels kind of like that down there. It doesn't hurt, but it's noticeable. I've checked and can't feel my cervix, so that is good (at least it's not down low). And nothing else seems off, but of course any little thing down there freaks me out. Especially since I'm terrified I have an incompetent cervix after the miscarriage (I know that was labor/contractions, and a hemorrage that irritated everything, but I still just opened up with no issues). I think at 20 week ultrasound they will look at my cervix for the first time, so yay, hopefully we make it through these next four weeks with little to no incidents and get halfway through. Then, we'll be talking about VIABILITY!!!! I am not there yet, we still have too long of a journey to go,... but we're getting closer! And I've been so busy during the workday that the weeks do seem to be passing quickly.
Anyways, that's what's up down there. It's always something, isn't it? I have decide how much I'm going to limit myself these next few months. I am going to err on the side of caution, because we've now made it this far. I have a daughter, and I love her, and I'd literally do ANYTHING to keep her safe. So we're just going to keep taking it a day at a time, and tackle things as they come up.
If you ask any of my care practitioners, everything is 100% perfect, so I am just going off of their diagnoses and telling myself to chill the fuck out. Stress is bad, apparently the cortisol levels can transfer to the amniotic fluid, and stress out the baby. So ... more meditation, more calming relaxing deep breathing, and less worrying about what's going on around me. If I were a horse, you'd be putting blinders on me right about now.
Oh, I think I can feel baby moving... Like right now, it feels like someone is blowing bubbles in my uterus. It's one of the most amazing feelings. The other night I swear I felt a kick! I am going to look today and try to find out why it's called "the quickening" (cause, come on, that's a Highlander thing, and how awesome to call feeling your baby move that??!!!). I wish I Wasn't carrying around all this extra weight, because I know my husband will not be able to feel her for a while. But that's okay, I know he will soon, and then he'll have the rest of his life to love her. :) .... Assuming we get through the next five months.
Also, he made an interesting point the other day. I don't think that I DESERVE to be happy, or have good things happen. Which is just strange, because my life is FULL of great things. I am very blessed and very lucky and work very hard to get what I want. But I think if I start to get excited about this baby she'll die. And I feel like if I want something, I won't get it, because I Don't deserve it. Stuff to talk to my counselor about I guess.
Anyways, I'm sure there's more, and I'll start being more active documenting things, although I feel like these month long waits are pretty much the same. Most of the time I don't feel pregnant (second trimester - golden trimester!) Unless I'm freaked out about something, or feeling pressure, or the baby is moving.
As a side note, I still expect blood every time I wipe, and I still am scared every morning when I wake up (and the multiple times throughout the night) that there will be a pool of blood around me again. I think I have the symptoms of PTSD, and I don't think I'll relax about it until the baby is healthy and viable and preferably here and full term here. So anyways, if anyone out there is struggling like that, just know that you aren't alone, this is a REAL THING, and what you experienced -- no matter how far into a pregnancy -- is a scary, horrible, terrible thing, and while we shouldn't dwell on the past, I want to validate your emotions. If you are scared like me, know that there is hope, and I believe that things can be okay, and that is what gets me through every day.
Also, a friend of mine is in counseling and they're discussing self worth. And there is a little exercise they told me about that goes like this -
- Remove toxic substances or behaviors from your life.
- Look back and make new choices about old messages and feelings.
- Develop new behaviors.
This is a process to better understand that you are valuable and deserve good things. But, I am also going to apply the process to the miscarriage. Because I know I have been living in the past with this pregnancy, and now we're in a new week, and we're further than ever before, and people keep telling me it's all normal. So .... I'm going to start looking to dawn instead of watching the sun setting on the past.
-Emily
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
Weekly Update
Okay, let's see what is going on today.
What I can only describe as a grapefruit stuck in my uterus being pulled downward is what I felt all weekend. Not painful, just REALLY weird, and made me have to pee. A lot. I am feeling it again today, and hoping that it's just stretching and growing. Saturday we went baby hunting, and we were able to find the heartbeat before it flipped us the bird and disappeared into the murky layers of fatness.
I tried again this morning to no avail, I think after laying on my back so long it gets far enough away that I can't find it. But I'm not letting that get me down. Even my OB could not find it with a doppler last week, so it's nothing to be worried about.
The brown spotting appears to have stopped after literally doing NOTHING (but a minor grocery shop Saturday morning) for the whole weekend. I watched season 6 of Dance Moms and got caught up on Jane the Virgin, and by Monday the brown gunk was gone. I am not sure if bedrest is helping ,or if not being stressed at work is helping, but the weekends are proving to be very important to relax and heal. (The stress at work is pretty insurmountable, I'm going to have to take a big step back and evaluate what the hell I am doing, because I am not sure if it's baby hormones, or just the sheer magnitude of my responsibility, but I am overwhelmed.)
Yesterday my nausea was back, but today not so much. And my nipples were little rings of fire, but that seems to have backed off too. With that, and the doppler not producing a heartbeat today I am trying to stay calm. I know those things cause anxiety, but the mixed missing symptoms are weird, too. I am going to assume that it's because I am 12.4 today, and very close to my 2nd trimester when stuff (apparently) gets better.
My doctor is still keeping me on a 4 week schedule, which I am not sure is the best move, but she really doesn't think there is a problem. So I go back early March. I had a nice little conversation with myself in the middle of the night where I agreed not to panic or freak out and call until next Wednesday. If the brown stuff is back, the thick green gunk comes back after I pick up walking again (which I plan on doing Saturday since the weather will be nice, and it will test if the antibacterial meds she gave me did the trick), waiting until Wednesday gives me 5 days post treatment. It also gets me past the milestone of when we lost our first pregnancy. And I'm not going to lie, that day encroaching makes me a complete wreck. If I could, I would just take off work from now until then and relax at a spa and try to get my mind off of it. Instead, my husband is in college full time and I have to work, so here I am, wearing business attire and dealing with stressful people. Such is life, I'm not complaining, just saying what I'd be doing if I was independently wealthy (I'd be sleeping right now).
So, with the rising anxiety levels I have taken two quarter days from work on the next two fridays to try and have a little ray of sunshine to look forward to. And I've also started trying to do my meditation program daily, it really does help! I find that doing it midday actually gives me the most relief. I've also consciously decided that I need to stop obsessing, so I've gotten out my animation/video editing equipment and will start trying to do some freelance/volunteer work.
I scheduled a second opinion appointment for February 29th, which I need to decide if I want to keep. My doctor has done nothing wrong, but I also feel like we're entering the second trimester and I still have a lot of questions, and sitting in her office, as much as I love it, is EXTREMELY stressful. My heartrate rises and I relive what happened last time every time. I've also been going by myself, which I think my add to that. I know I need to man up and get over it, but as my husband says, I think I have a form of PTSD that only angel mamas can understand in this setting. Anyways, they sent the paperwork, and I guess it can't hurt to go see him. I just don't want my regular OB to know, because it has nothing to do with her--I really do love working with her, and she is super helpful and wants this to be successful. So maybe I am answering my own questions here, and should cancel. We'll see.
Okay so -- I got some gummy Omega 3s because I realzied my Rainbow Lite Prenatals did not have DHA. The expensive fancy stuff apparently makes me puke, so that had to end a few weeks ago. I also got fiber gummies, because I will tell you, the struggle is real sometimes. I'm taking those, along with Prometrium and Flagyl for the infection.
I read on some boards that even the oral prometrium should be used vaginally. I want to do a little more research on this and talk to the pharmacy technician. Apparently doctors prescribe it orally, but it is better vaginally. I don't know what to think about that. My levels went up appropriately as-is, but I wonder if it would have helped the low levels in the beginning? something to investigate for sure.
I also am finding that I'm getting little teensy red spots on my body. I don't know if it's a reaction to the Flagyl, a reaction to milk -- which I had some of for the first time in 9 months Sunday - or a reaction to the Burts Bees Belly Butter I've been putting on my stomach. I really am a terrible scientist. I start a whole bunch of new things at once. When the baby gets here, we're going to have to be careful to not do that as we work on figuring out food allergies.
So, despite my anxiety and fear, I am letting myself start thinking about the possibility that we will have a tiny human in August. I was researching cloth diapers, and I think that is what we're going to do. I was reading the Cotton Babies page on Facebook last night, and apparently people recommend having 25-30 diapers per baby. We currently have 2, which means we'll need to get one a month for the next 9 months. I think that is a good shower gift, so maybe not that many, and we wouldn't use them immediately, because I think we'll be in a crazy fog the first three months. But yea, see? Positive, I am starting to be a LITTLE positive. And I'm always hopeful.
Tomorrow afternoon I will go do the Harmony testing, and we'll see how things rae progressing. Every day I don't gush bright red blood is a good day. And by this time last time I had been having pink spottting daily, and been in the ER once already.
So, deep breaths, lots of prayers, warm relaxing baths, and lots of rest. As we move forward into this crazy second trimester.
-Emily
What I can only describe as a grapefruit stuck in my uterus being pulled downward is what I felt all weekend. Not painful, just REALLY weird, and made me have to pee. A lot. I am feeling it again today, and hoping that it's just stretching and growing. Saturday we went baby hunting, and we were able to find the heartbeat before it flipped us the bird and disappeared into the murky layers of fatness.
I tried again this morning to no avail, I think after laying on my back so long it gets far enough away that I can't find it. But I'm not letting that get me down. Even my OB could not find it with a doppler last week, so it's nothing to be worried about.
The brown spotting appears to have stopped after literally doing NOTHING (but a minor grocery shop Saturday morning) for the whole weekend. I watched season 6 of Dance Moms and got caught up on Jane the Virgin, and by Monday the brown gunk was gone. I am not sure if bedrest is helping ,or if not being stressed at work is helping, but the weekends are proving to be very important to relax and heal. (The stress at work is pretty insurmountable, I'm going to have to take a big step back and evaluate what the hell I am doing, because I am not sure if it's baby hormones, or just the sheer magnitude of my responsibility, but I am overwhelmed.)
Yesterday my nausea was back, but today not so much. And my nipples were little rings of fire, but that seems to have backed off too. With that, and the doppler not producing a heartbeat today I am trying to stay calm. I know those things cause anxiety, but the mixed missing symptoms are weird, too. I am going to assume that it's because I am 12.4 today, and very close to my 2nd trimester when stuff (apparently) gets better.
My doctor is still keeping me on a 4 week schedule, which I am not sure is the best move, but she really doesn't think there is a problem. So I go back early March. I had a nice little conversation with myself in the middle of the night where I agreed not to panic or freak out and call until next Wednesday. If the brown stuff is back, the thick green gunk comes back after I pick up walking again (which I plan on doing Saturday since the weather will be nice, and it will test if the antibacterial meds she gave me did the trick), waiting until Wednesday gives me 5 days post treatment. It also gets me past the milestone of when we lost our first pregnancy. And I'm not going to lie, that day encroaching makes me a complete wreck. If I could, I would just take off work from now until then and relax at a spa and try to get my mind off of it. Instead, my husband is in college full time and I have to work, so here I am, wearing business attire and dealing with stressful people. Such is life, I'm not complaining, just saying what I'd be doing if I was independently wealthy (I'd be sleeping right now).
So, with the rising anxiety levels I have taken two quarter days from work on the next two fridays to try and have a little ray of sunshine to look forward to. And I've also started trying to do my meditation program daily, it really does help! I find that doing it midday actually gives me the most relief. I've also consciously decided that I need to stop obsessing, so I've gotten out my animation/video editing equipment and will start trying to do some freelance/volunteer work.
I scheduled a second opinion appointment for February 29th, which I need to decide if I want to keep. My doctor has done nothing wrong, but I also feel like we're entering the second trimester and I still have a lot of questions, and sitting in her office, as much as I love it, is EXTREMELY stressful. My heartrate rises and I relive what happened last time every time. I've also been going by myself, which I think my add to that. I know I need to man up and get over it, but as my husband says, I think I have a form of PTSD that only angel mamas can understand in this setting. Anyways, they sent the paperwork, and I guess it can't hurt to go see him. I just don't want my regular OB to know, because it has nothing to do with her--I really do love working with her, and she is super helpful and wants this to be successful. So maybe I am answering my own questions here, and should cancel. We'll see.
Okay so -- I got some gummy Omega 3s because I realzied my Rainbow Lite Prenatals did not have DHA. The expensive fancy stuff apparently makes me puke, so that had to end a few weeks ago. I also got fiber gummies, because I will tell you, the struggle is real sometimes. I'm taking those, along with Prometrium and Flagyl for the infection.
I read on some boards that even the oral prometrium should be used vaginally. I want to do a little more research on this and talk to the pharmacy technician. Apparently doctors prescribe it orally, but it is better vaginally. I don't know what to think about that. My levels went up appropriately as-is, but I wonder if it would have helped the low levels in the beginning? something to investigate for sure.
I also am finding that I'm getting little teensy red spots on my body. I don't know if it's a reaction to the Flagyl, a reaction to milk -- which I had some of for the first time in 9 months Sunday - or a reaction to the Burts Bees Belly Butter I've been putting on my stomach. I really am a terrible scientist. I start a whole bunch of new things at once. When the baby gets here, we're going to have to be careful to not do that as we work on figuring out food allergies.
So, despite my anxiety and fear, I am letting myself start thinking about the possibility that we will have a tiny human in August. I was researching cloth diapers, and I think that is what we're going to do. I was reading the Cotton Babies page on Facebook last night, and apparently people recommend having 25-30 diapers per baby. We currently have 2, which means we'll need to get one a month for the next 9 months. I think that is a good shower gift, so maybe not that many, and we wouldn't use them immediately, because I think we'll be in a crazy fog the first three months. But yea, see? Positive, I am starting to be a LITTLE positive. And I'm always hopeful.
Tomorrow afternoon I will go do the Harmony testing, and we'll see how things rae progressing. Every day I don't gush bright red blood is a good day. And by this time last time I had been having pink spottting daily, and been in the ER once already.
So, deep breaths, lots of prayers, warm relaxing baths, and lots of rest. As we move forward into this crazy second trimester.
-Emily
Wednesday, February 3, 2016
Spring Cleaning
I read an interesting article last night that said patients who are told to log symptoms had almost double the amount of negative feelings, perceived worsening symptoms, or additional symptoms. Apparently, the practice of writing out problems adds to them, almost like a snowball growing as it rolls down a hill (and eventually turning into an avalanche).
With that in mind, I want to change the format of my journaling slightly. I still am going to be 100% honest about what I'm experiencing, but I will try to throw in some positives, too. Sometimes, the positives get lost in the craziness.
After my crazy cleaning frenzy on Sunday, I have officially slowed down on the brown bleeding. There is still slight discharge, but it is nothing like that Monday afternoon. This tells me I need to keep taking it easy until that baby gets a little bigger. Next Tuesday is the appointment, and I'm hoping we get a scan scheduled quickly so we can get an idea of what is happening. I decided to keep taking the aspirin. After reading several studies and outcomes across the globe, there appears to be very little evidence that baby aspirin causes defects. And for women with clotting issues, is used to almost term. I do not think I will need to take it to term, but I think I am okay for now. Again, we'll see what happens next week. The hematoma shrunk from week 8 to week 10 and I was not taking the aspirin, so maybe I will wait until next week to see if it is continuing to go down in size.
I will tell you, I keep a pair of "miscarriage" pants in my work bag, in case I get another huge gush of blood. Is that morbid? Probably. but it makes me feel better. And I am yet to get excited. I've mentally told myself that 20 weeks I will start feeling better. But sometimes, I let just the smallest inkling of positivity through, and I realize how truly, fully, 100% I want this child happy and healthy.
So, some positive things I've been experiencing, that maybe don't sound positive, but since I didn't have these last time, they are positive to me -
See? There are positives this time that I did not have last time, and because of that, I am going to hope and pray that this baby is healthy, and we are on track. :) The higher heart rate still gives me pause, but I will ask the doctor about that next week.
I also think we might be getting closer to the second trimester physically, because I am no longer dead asleep by 6pm. It's good stuff.
Anyways, as always, I will keep this updated with my decisions and what I'm doing. Unfortunately, I was not able to keep taking all my vitamins. It just made me gag. So I need to get back to it. Progesterone, pre natal, and vinger for now. I want to add back in vitamin K and e and omega 3s. I am stopping by Target today to grab some more.
Alright, that's it for today.
-Emily
With that in mind, I want to change the format of my journaling slightly. I still am going to be 100% honest about what I'm experiencing, but I will try to throw in some positives, too. Sometimes, the positives get lost in the craziness.
After my crazy cleaning frenzy on Sunday, I have officially slowed down on the brown bleeding. There is still slight discharge, but it is nothing like that Monday afternoon. This tells me I need to keep taking it easy until that baby gets a little bigger. Next Tuesday is the appointment, and I'm hoping we get a scan scheduled quickly so we can get an idea of what is happening. I decided to keep taking the aspirin. After reading several studies and outcomes across the globe, there appears to be very little evidence that baby aspirin causes defects. And for women with clotting issues, is used to almost term. I do not think I will need to take it to term, but I think I am okay for now. Again, we'll see what happens next week. The hematoma shrunk from week 8 to week 10 and I was not taking the aspirin, so maybe I will wait until next week to see if it is continuing to go down in size.
I will tell you, I keep a pair of "miscarriage" pants in my work bag, in case I get another huge gush of blood. Is that morbid? Probably. but it makes me feel better. And I am yet to get excited. I've mentally told myself that 20 weeks I will start feeling better. But sometimes, I let just the smallest inkling of positivity through, and I realize how truly, fully, 100% I want this child happy and healthy.
So, some positive things I've been experiencing, that maybe don't sound positive, but since I didn't have these last time, they are positive to me -
- OUTRAGEOUS hormones. I am a nut job. Seriously. Everything makes me weep, or angry, or happy. And it bounces around hourly. I'm not even kidding you, this is insane.
- Nausea. Every morning, sometimes gagging, often times smell-based, rarely puking (only once) but just extreme nausea.
- Fatigue (okay that was there last time :) ).
- Constipation. Prune juice every night is what the doctor ordered. Once I get too backed up I feel like I am the size of a beach ball. It's nuts! Our friends told us that they had the husband physically clean out the wife's bottom side when it happened. That's not even an option for us, so prune juice it is.
- Food aversions and cravings. Last time I wanted Mac n Cheese and fried chicken. This time I want fruit juice, cakes, sweets, and FRESH food. I will walk an extra mile to get something that looks "real" instead of something processed. (let's hope that mentality continues on)
- Knock on wood, no major bleeds. I might kick myself for saying this if it does happen, but for now I'm going to count my blessings that I have not had one of these yet.
- Nipples feel like tiny little needs are stabbing them anytime they get rubbed up against, knocked, or touched. They are ANGRY.
See? There are positives this time that I did not have last time, and because of that, I am going to hope and pray that this baby is healthy, and we are on track. :) The higher heart rate still gives me pause, but I will ask the doctor about that next week.
I also think we might be getting closer to the second trimester physically, because I am no longer dead asleep by 6pm. It's good stuff.
Anyways, as always, I will keep this updated with my decisions and what I'm doing. Unfortunately, I was not able to keep taking all my vitamins. It just made me gag. So I need to get back to it. Progesterone, pre natal, and vinger for now. I want to add back in vitamin K and e and omega 3s. I am stopping by Target today to grab some more.
Alright, that's it for today.
-Emily
Friday, January 29, 2016
Hematomas Abound.
I have another subchorionic hematoma.
I have another subchorionic hematoma.
I have another hematoma.
Apparently at my last appointment the ultrasound tech did not want to freak me out (as you are aware, I am easily freaked out), but she saw a small bleed. I am finding this out today as I was brought in for an emergency scan due to the increasing brown bleeding I was experiencing yesterday. What she told me today is that the area of the bleed decreased dramatically, and is no longer black, but grey. So her theory is that the brown blood is the hematoma healing and resolving itself.
The baby is growing perfectly, has a heart beat of 183 (strong!?) and is adorable. It was even wiggling a little bit.
But I had another ... have another ... subchorionic hematoma. The tech did say "I think this baby is a keeper!" But they are almost ALWAYS super optimistic. I am waiting for a call from my OB today to see if she wants me to get another progesterone shot. Until then, I am putting myself on modified bedrest, and will not be doing ANYTHING for a while. At least until our 12 week scan.
I am relieved, scared, shocked, upset, happy, scared, overjoyed, scared. Mostly scared still, but also happy we identified where the blood could be coming from, and that the area looks to be healing. Healing is a positive, good thing, yes? Yes. Yes. And I am 100% positive this baby is a little girl. So if anyone is going to heal up a wound and punch her way into the world it will be a tiny me.
Here are pictures, baby's head is on the left, butt is up in the air. I circled what the tech said is the hematoma:
Prayers prayers prayers. All day long.
-Emily
I have another subchorionic hematoma.
I have another hematoma.
Apparently at my last appointment the ultrasound tech did not want to freak me out (as you are aware, I am easily freaked out), but she saw a small bleed. I am finding this out today as I was brought in for an emergency scan due to the increasing brown bleeding I was experiencing yesterday. What she told me today is that the area of the bleed decreased dramatically, and is no longer black, but grey. So her theory is that the brown blood is the hematoma healing and resolving itself.
The baby is growing perfectly, has a heart beat of 183 (strong!?) and is adorable. It was even wiggling a little bit.
But I had another ... have another ... subchorionic hematoma. The tech did say "I think this baby is a keeper!" But they are almost ALWAYS super optimistic. I am waiting for a call from my OB today to see if she wants me to get another progesterone shot. Until then, I am putting myself on modified bedrest, and will not be doing ANYTHING for a while. At least until our 12 week scan.
I am relieved, scared, shocked, upset, happy, scared, overjoyed, scared. Mostly scared still, but also happy we identified where the blood could be coming from, and that the area looks to be healing. Healing is a positive, good thing, yes? Yes. Yes. And I am 100% positive this baby is a little girl. So if anyone is going to heal up a wound and punch her way into the world it will be a tiny me.
Here are pictures, baby's head is on the left, butt is up in the air. I circled what the tech said is the hematoma:
Prayers prayers prayers. All day long.
-Emily
Tuesday, December 29, 2015
Two days from a New Year, and I couldn't be happier
Out with the old, in with the new.
I have never before felt that was so much my mantra as I have this year. 2015 was a turbulent and not quite wonderful year for our family. The fact that we are just two days away from 2016 - a "9" year, which my friend who is into astrology says is a wonderful thing because it means positive change and in tarot it means energy of attainment and renewal ... (not that I believe in that stuff, per se... ;) - a year of change sounds really great. Positive change. I can feel it, I can feel the past year sloughing away as we slide into 2016.
The energy seems to be all around us. I know many, many people who are quite ready for the countdown to Midnight January 1st, 2016. This year was full of trials, tribulations, challenges, growth, and awakenings. I think we will carry these teachings into the new year.
Anyways, I just wanted to check in and let you know how things are progressing, because apparently things are progressing. So much so that I have joined the "August 2016 Birth Club" on BabyCenter. That's brave, bold, and unexpected. But I love hearing stories from pregnant women due in August, like us, who are unaffected by loss and sadness. They are excited--posting pictures of their ultrasounds and planning when to have a baby shower, and discussing what they want to eat. As much as I love my support groups, and plan to stay active with them, I do enjoy the less ominous feel I get from these new or second, third, fourth time moms who may have experienced loss, but are looking positively towards the future.
So I have decided to try to stay as positive as possible, and just be happy with whatever outcome we have. Because I have learned that "que sera, sera" and what will be, will be.
Our unoffiical due date would be August 26, 2016. I love that number, so many loops! 9-26-16.
I am currently so hungry I could eat multiple cows a day. I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop and get sick. I woke up slightly nauseous at 3 AM today, but nothing came of it. Though, my last pregnancy I was hardly ever sick. Just occasionally in the afternoon my stomach would turn. Last time I hated sweets, and I am still not into chocolate, but last night for dinner I wanted a McFlurry. Just a McFlurry. So that is different.
I have a doctor's appointment scheduled for January 13th at 10:15AM with Doctor W. this would be 7 weeks, 5 days along, which means we should get a heartbeat, image of the baby, and dating. Assuming she does an US, but after our last experience, I have a feeling she will if she can. If not, we'll schedule an ultrasound for 8 weeks (see, I think we'll just do it).
I guess, until then, we'll just keep doing what we're doing and staying positive. So far, there has been no spotting, and I do not have that wonky pain on my left side that I had the entire time with our angel baby. I actually don't hardly feel anything at all, except hungry and exhausted (i.e. going to bed at 7:30pm). And the constant peeing and thirst. But honestly, not much else. I am also taking this as a good sign.
I checked my calendar, and last time I visited the doctor in a panic on June 11, when I was 7 weeks, 2 days. I had been spotting and uncomfortable, and knew something was wrong. That was when she found the hematoma. And I had kept bleeding consistently since then. I already feel better about this. And even if there is no baby, or it's chemical, or even if I lose it this week or next, at least we know that we are capable of getting pregnant again (um, rather easily... as my husband would point out). So that is all positive, and I feel good. I feel like, for the first time in a while, that I could possibly be capable of doing this. Although 9 months seems like an excruciatingly long time for my body to behave, I have hope. I have faith. And I have love. And I am praying that we can make it through this.
Also, we put our deposit down on a puppy, so I will have a squishy, fat, puppy nugget to squeeze regardless of what happens. ;)
-Emily
I have never before felt that was so much my mantra as I have this year. 2015 was a turbulent and not quite wonderful year for our family. The fact that we are just two days away from 2016 - a "9" year, which my friend who is into astrology says is a wonderful thing because it means positive change and in tarot it means energy of attainment and renewal ... (not that I believe in that stuff, per se... ;) - a year of change sounds really great. Positive change. I can feel it, I can feel the past year sloughing away as we slide into 2016.
The energy seems to be all around us. I know many, many people who are quite ready for the countdown to Midnight January 1st, 2016. This year was full of trials, tribulations, challenges, growth, and awakenings. I think we will carry these teachings into the new year.
Anyways, I just wanted to check in and let you know how things are progressing, because apparently things are progressing. So much so that I have joined the "August 2016 Birth Club" on BabyCenter. That's brave, bold, and unexpected. But I love hearing stories from pregnant women due in August, like us, who are unaffected by loss and sadness. They are excited--posting pictures of their ultrasounds and planning when to have a baby shower, and discussing what they want to eat. As much as I love my support groups, and plan to stay active with them, I do enjoy the less ominous feel I get from these new or second, third, fourth time moms who may have experienced loss, but are looking positively towards the future.
So I have decided to try to stay as positive as possible, and just be happy with whatever outcome we have. Because I have learned that "que sera, sera" and what will be, will be.
Our unoffiical due date would be August 26, 2016. I love that number, so many loops! 9-26-16.
I am currently so hungry I could eat multiple cows a day. I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop and get sick. I woke up slightly nauseous at 3 AM today, but nothing came of it. Though, my last pregnancy I was hardly ever sick. Just occasionally in the afternoon my stomach would turn. Last time I hated sweets, and I am still not into chocolate, but last night for dinner I wanted a McFlurry. Just a McFlurry. So that is different.
I have a doctor's appointment scheduled for January 13th at 10:15AM with Doctor W. this would be 7 weeks, 5 days along, which means we should get a heartbeat, image of the baby, and dating. Assuming she does an US, but after our last experience, I have a feeling she will if she can. If not, we'll schedule an ultrasound for 8 weeks (see, I think we'll just do it).
I guess, until then, we'll just keep doing what we're doing and staying positive. So far, there has been no spotting, and I do not have that wonky pain on my left side that I had the entire time with our angel baby. I actually don't hardly feel anything at all, except hungry and exhausted (i.e. going to bed at 7:30pm). And the constant peeing and thirst. But honestly, not much else. I am also taking this as a good sign.
I checked my calendar, and last time I visited the doctor in a panic on June 11, when I was 7 weeks, 2 days. I had been spotting and uncomfortable, and knew something was wrong. That was when she found the hematoma. And I had kept bleeding consistently since then. I already feel better about this. And even if there is no baby, or it's chemical, or even if I lose it this week or next, at least we know that we are capable of getting pregnant again (um, rather easily... as my husband would point out). So that is all positive, and I feel good. I feel like, for the first time in a while, that I could possibly be capable of doing this. Although 9 months seems like an excruciatingly long time for my body to behave, I have hope. I have faith. And I have love. And I am praying that we can make it through this.
Also, we put our deposit down on a puppy, so I will have a squishy, fat, puppy nugget to squeeze regardless of what happens. ;)
-Emily
Wednesday, December 9, 2015
Seeing Things
So, I am not sure if I ovulated on Tuesday or Thursday, but depending, I am either 8 or 6 DPO (Days Post Ovulation)
I took a FRER (First Response Early Response) just... because I am a nutcase and I find it fun. The test was negative, OBVIOUSLY, but then I started playing around with the color settings (which is what we nutters do when we test too early) and I swear I see a line.
I understand this could be a. my imagination b. the camera picking up on the antibody dye that is used there c. evaporation lines - the lines that turn pink when testing then fade.
Anyways, regardless of the outcome, I think it's super fun, and the waiting is a big game, and I love this part. So here ya go, make your own decisions! ... :)
I took a FRER (First Response Early Response) just... because I am a nutcase and I find it fun. The test was negative, OBVIOUSLY, but then I started playing around with the color settings (which is what we nutters do when we test too early) and I swear I see a line.
I understand this could be a. my imagination b. the camera picking up on the antibody dye that is used there c. evaporation lines - the lines that turn pink when testing then fade.
Anyways, regardless of the outcome, I think it's super fun, and the waiting is a big game, and I love this part. So here ya go, make your own decisions! ... :)
 |
| No tweaking done to this test, it is just what I see (a big fat NOTHING) |
 |
| Tweaked with a different contrast/lighting.... is there a line there.... is it a ghost line.... is it signs of what is to come? I guess we'll find out in a week's time. :)
-Emily
|
Monday, December 7, 2015
TWW (Two Week Wait)
Well, we may or may not have continued down that path of "not trying, not no trying" and now we are in the two week wait. Since I still think we missed the very small window of possibility, I am not getting my hopes up (and actually, starting to realize how hard it'd be to pack up and move if I'm pregnant!... which is why we'd pay someone to do it if that's the case.) But regardless, since we have a fraction of a chance of it happening, I am still going through the process of taking extra precautions. We are in full-out supplement mode.
With all that in mind, I called the specialist on Friday, and was told by the nurse that they would not prescribe progesterone for me unless I have a confirmed pregnancy. (8-12 week appt.)
What?
That contradicts literally everything I've read about progesterone, fertility -- everything.
Why would I take a uterine-supporting system to help an implantation take place once implantation has already taken place? And you're not even supposed to take it after 12 weeks of pregnancy. I think the nurse was just making stuff up OR I am way off the mark and totally wrong. But according to the multiple communities I am a part of, you are supposed to take progesterone the day after you ovulate until you find out if there is a pregnancy.
I was, of course, confused and frustrated, so Friday night I went home and counted out the progesterone I have left from my pregnancy. There are exactly 6 weeks worth of pills. Which means after this month, we will have 4 weeks. Since we won't even mess around with trying in December, we will have enough progesterone for January and February. After that, I will have to get a confirmation of pregnancy and a new prescription.
I just don't understand how my caretakers are telling me such different things from what the rest of the community on the boards are hearing from their doctors. I honestly feel like they are laughing at me for being upset. Like they don't truly understand the loss we experienced. I know they deal with it daily, and we were not as far along as many other people who need specialist care, but I also don't think what happened is something to scoff at.
Luckily, a coworker of mine told me about a doctor at another nearby hospital known for their NICU and birthing specialists, and we will be talking to him. I don't know, all I can do is try, and that's my mentality right now. Just do what you can to try to make things better.
-Emily
With all that in mind, I called the specialist on Friday, and was told by the nurse that they would not prescribe progesterone for me unless I have a confirmed pregnancy. (8-12 week appt.)
What?
That contradicts literally everything I've read about progesterone, fertility -- everything.
Why would I take a uterine-supporting system to help an implantation take place once implantation has already taken place? And you're not even supposed to take it after 12 weeks of pregnancy. I think the nurse was just making stuff up OR I am way off the mark and totally wrong. But according to the multiple communities I am a part of, you are supposed to take progesterone the day after you ovulate until you find out if there is a pregnancy.
I was, of course, confused and frustrated, so Friday night I went home and counted out the progesterone I have left from my pregnancy. There are exactly 6 weeks worth of pills. Which means after this month, we will have 4 weeks. Since we won't even mess around with trying in December, we will have enough progesterone for January and February. After that, I will have to get a confirmation of pregnancy and a new prescription.
I just don't understand how my caretakers are telling me such different things from what the rest of the community on the boards are hearing from their doctors. I honestly feel like they are laughing at me for being upset. Like they don't truly understand the loss we experienced. I know they deal with it daily, and we were not as far along as many other people who need specialist care, but I also don't think what happened is something to scoff at.
Luckily, a coworker of mine told me about a doctor at another nearby hospital known for their NICU and birthing specialists, and we will be talking to him. I don't know, all I can do is try, and that's my mentality right now. Just do what you can to try to make things better.
-Emily
Tuesday, October 20, 2015
All the thoughts originate from the mind.
I keep dreaming about being pregnant. Reading pregnancy tests that show positives. Last night I dreamt I took one, and it was strong positive, but the strip was twisted, so I couldn't turn it in the right direction to read it.
I also have FELT pregnant, although according to family planning methods that is simply not possible. But the feelings are bringing up a lot of emotions about my angel baby. Last night I was just... sad. For him. For us. For my womb. For the future. I am scared and sad, and it comes and goes in waves. They always say that grief will hit you randomly and you can't expect it or plan for it, and last night was just one of those times. I have started a new weight loss plan "Choose to Lose" by Chris Powell, and it is going to be difficult. And his book had me think and say a lot of affirmations to help me take control over my body, and in doing so, I think it must have stirred up some stuff.
Maybe I feel like I am turning a page on this chapter. Like it's on to the next one. My husband did not cry with me this weekend. I think he is healing. And that is such great news, I am elated. And I am healing, but it still hurts sometimes. Randomly. Like last night. And I knew so little before everything, and now I know so much that I wish I didn't. And I can't help but think that this will just be how it goes forever. That there is never going to be a warm wiggly baby that I get to take home. So in that line of thought, I just say "fuck it". And then a lot of other things matter more,and I am able to feel better. Even if only temporarily.
I am starting to accept and absorb that we are waiting to try again until January. As hard as it sounds right now,w e are not emotionally, financially, or physically ready to do this again. We have submitted for a mortgage loan, and might be looking to buy a house. Which would be a huge endeavor, stressful, and I wouldn't want to be pregnant during that process. I also know that the exhaustion and life changing events are going to be permanent if we get to take home a baby -- seeing my new-parents friends is evidence of that. So waiting is feeling okay. And getting my body under control is so important right now.
But sometimes I get sad. And that's just the way this goes, I think .
I also have not heard back from the specialist, so I plan on calling him on Friday. I think he told us if we didn't hear anything it was good news. But you just never know, so I want to be sure. If nothing is wrong, I will be happy. I have gotten to the point where I will be glad to know I am functioning and what we tested for is not a cause of what happened. If it happens again,we will test for new things. I guess it's like the duck shooting game at the carnival where you just keep knocking the ducks down with pellets until there's nothing left and you either solve the mystery, or go home and decide to be wealthy entrepreneurs with no kids....
Anyways, I felt this blog deserved an update, as it has been two weeks with nothing. And that's not me keeping you in the dark, it's me being in the dark. I have no more answers. I just know how to walk the path laid out ahead of me. And we are so far from it being something we are actively trying that I've thrown away the thermometer and tracking and stopped taking everything but prenatals. I don't even want to look at that stuff right now, because it just makes me sad and angry.
I will update if I learn more.
-Emily
I also have FELT pregnant, although according to family planning methods that is simply not possible. But the feelings are bringing up a lot of emotions about my angel baby. Last night I was just... sad. For him. For us. For my womb. For the future. I am scared and sad, and it comes and goes in waves. They always say that grief will hit you randomly and you can't expect it or plan for it, and last night was just one of those times. I have started a new weight loss plan "Choose to Lose" by Chris Powell, and it is going to be difficult. And his book had me think and say a lot of affirmations to help me take control over my body, and in doing so, I think it must have stirred up some stuff.
Maybe I feel like I am turning a page on this chapter. Like it's on to the next one. My husband did not cry with me this weekend. I think he is healing. And that is such great news, I am elated. And I am healing, but it still hurts sometimes. Randomly. Like last night. And I knew so little before everything, and now I know so much that I wish I didn't. And I can't help but think that this will just be how it goes forever. That there is never going to be a warm wiggly baby that I get to take home. So in that line of thought, I just say "fuck it". And then a lot of other things matter more,and I am able to feel better. Even if only temporarily.
I am starting to accept and absorb that we are waiting to try again until January. As hard as it sounds right now,w e are not emotionally, financially, or physically ready to do this again. We have submitted for a mortgage loan, and might be looking to buy a house. Which would be a huge endeavor, stressful, and I wouldn't want to be pregnant during that process. I also know that the exhaustion and life changing events are going to be permanent if we get to take home a baby -- seeing my new-parents friends is evidence of that. So waiting is feeling okay. And getting my body under control is so important right now.
But sometimes I get sad. And that's just the way this goes, I think .
I also have not heard back from the specialist, so I plan on calling him on Friday. I think he told us if we didn't hear anything it was good news. But you just never know, so I want to be sure. If nothing is wrong, I will be happy. I have gotten to the point where I will be glad to know I am functioning and what we tested for is not a cause of what happened. If it happens again,we will test for new things. I guess it's like the duck shooting game at the carnival where you just keep knocking the ducks down with pellets until there's nothing left and you either solve the mystery, or go home and decide to be wealthy entrepreneurs with no kids....
Anyways, I felt this blog deserved an update, as it has been two weeks with nothing. And that's not me keeping you in the dark, it's me being in the dark. I have no more answers. I just know how to walk the path laid out ahead of me. And we are so far from it being something we are actively trying that I've thrown away the thermometer and tracking and stopped taking everything but prenatals. I don't even want to look at that stuff right now, because it just makes me sad and angry.
I will update if I learn more.
-Emily
Thursday, October 8, 2015
5 Vials
It is a record. Today they drew 5 vials of blood. I went to a new testing facility (new OB=new facility). The girl was very good, and she let me lay down, or else I pass out. I didn't pass out! And she only had to stick me one time. We got the blood relatively quickly, but throughout this whole process, we have never drawn five vials before. Not even for the genetic screening! (That was 3 vials, and that was also a challenge.)
Anyways, the blood draw went fine, but I thought I'd share with you what they are testing for in those five vials.
1. Cardiolipin AB Screen
http://www.hopkinslupus.org/lupus-tests/antiphospholipid-antibodies/
Testing may also be ordered when a woman has had recurrent miscarriages and/or ordered along with lupus anticoagulant testing as a follow-up to a prolonged PTT test. When cardiolipin antibody is detected, then the test may be repeated several weeks later to determine whether the antibody is temporary or persistent. Moderate to high levels of cardiolipin antibodies that persist when tested again 6 weeks later indicate the likely continued presence of that specific antibody, which may be associated with excessive clotting or recurrent miscarriages. (https://labtestsonline.org/understanding/analytes/cardiolipin/tab/test/)
2. Lupus Anticogulation
3. Anti-B2 Clycoprotein Antibodies
https://labtestsonline.org/understanding/analytes/beta-2-glycoprotein-1-antibodies/tab/test/
So, after a brief scan, these are all related, and all clotting issues that cause recurrent miscarriages. This is a good thing, because I do know I don't have the Factor V Leiden clotting disorder, but these seem to be more common.
I still stand by my initial response that these will all turn up negative, but I am glad we will know for sure. I'm pretty anxious about hearing back from the specialist. He should have results by next Monday, and I should hear from him mid-to-late next week. (Since it took me 4 days to get the balls and energy to go get tested.)
Once I know more, I will share on here. I just met (through a Baby Board) a girl who was diagnosed with this stuff, and she was told to wait to try to conceive for 12 weeks, when they would do another round of testing. Hearing that would be ... heartbreaking. But maybe good. I don't know. I don't know how I'm feeling. After having a little more sleep, and some time to collect myself, I am feeling slightly better. Still exhausted - mentally and physically - but better. I feel like every time I start climbing out of the dark, though, my husband jumps back into the abyss. Will these roller coaster days ever level out?
I don't know, just going to keep blogging and doing things to make life better.
-Emily
Anyways, the blood draw went fine, but I thought I'd share with you what they are testing for in those five vials.
1. Cardiolipin AB Screen
http://www.hopkinslupus.org/lupus-tests/antiphospholipid-antibodies/
Testing may also be ordered when a woman has had recurrent miscarriages and/or ordered along with lupus anticoagulant testing as a follow-up to a prolonged PTT test. When cardiolipin antibody is detected, then the test may be repeated several weeks later to determine whether the antibody is temporary or persistent. Moderate to high levels of cardiolipin antibodies that persist when tested again 6 weeks later indicate the likely continued presence of that specific antibody, which may be associated with excessive clotting or recurrent miscarriages. (https://labtestsonline.org/understanding/analytes/cardiolipin/tab/test/)
2. Lupus Anticogulation
Lupus anticoagulants are antibodies against substances in the lining of cells. These substances prevent blood clotting in a test tube. They are called phospholipids.
Persons with these antibodies may have an abnormally high risk of blood clotting.https://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/000547.htm
https://labtestsonline.org/understanding/analytes/lupus-anticoagulant/tab/test/
https://labtestsonline.org/understanding/analytes/beta-2-glycoprotein-1-antibodies/tab/test/
So, after a brief scan, these are all related, and all clotting issues that cause recurrent miscarriages. This is a good thing, because I do know I don't have the Factor V Leiden clotting disorder, but these seem to be more common.
I still stand by my initial response that these will all turn up negative, but I am glad we will know for sure. I'm pretty anxious about hearing back from the specialist. He should have results by next Monday, and I should hear from him mid-to-late next week. (Since it took me 4 days to get the balls and energy to go get tested.)
Once I know more, I will share on here. I just met (through a Baby Board) a girl who was diagnosed with this stuff, and she was told to wait to try to conceive for 12 weeks, when they would do another round of testing. Hearing that would be ... heartbreaking. But maybe good. I don't know. I don't know how I'm feeling. After having a little more sleep, and some time to collect myself, I am feeling slightly better. Still exhausted - mentally and physically - but better. I feel like every time I start climbing out of the dark, though, my husband jumps back into the abyss. Will these roller coaster days ever level out?
I don't know, just going to keep blogging and doing things to make life better.
-Emily
Friday, August 28, 2015
Feeling strange, hot, and wanting my period to start
If anyone who is reading this has ever experienced PMS, then I would like to tell you that I have been experienced AMPED-UP PMS symptoms for the past two weeks.
Hot. Cold.
Pain.
Cramps.
Anger. (So much anger).
Uncertainty.
Emotional rollercoasters.
That feeling like you're about to start bleeding.
Eating everything around me (then feeling sick)
Craving suits.
Absent-minded.
Frustrated.
Oh my gosh, it is nuts. And every time I go to the bathroom I hope to see blood (quite the opposite of the past few months!) because I don't know about you, but when I start bleeding the crazy hormones abate. I just want the sweet release of not wanting to bite everything around me. Yes, bite.
Next Wednesday, I go back to the lab for a blood draw. Although the tests are showing completely negative, so I truly believe this is my hormones leveling back out. I also am not showing any ovulation on the home tests, so I will be starting to track my morning temperature. It's the most cost-effective way to watch my body for now. I'm debating investing in a nice thermometer, but I can't find one under 100 dollars without crazy reviews that have no consistency. So maybe I'll start off with just our regular old thermometer.
I said I wanted normalcy, and this is apparently how we get there. I feel so bad for my husband. Last night I came home, we fought, I cried, and then passed out from exhaustion. And then everything was okay once I woke back up.... seriously.
That all being said, I reached out to some women on the "Trying to conceive after a 2nd/3rd trimester loss" page, and they told me that I could not get back to a regular cycle for 12 weeks. Which, that breaks my heart, but I do feel better. At least I am in the realm of normal, and I will not be sterile forever. It sounds like most women experience their first period about 6-8 weeks post miscarriage. Which means I might be right in the realm of normal.
Normal.
I'm not entirely sure what life will be like now. I know the normal will be a new normal. And I'm okay with that. We also are looking at renting a house, so that could be an exciting change... or we'll stay in our crappy apartment and try to save money to buy a house. I don't know. I really am leaning towards getting my "Que sera sera" tattoo, because I need to learn to sit back and let life happen and stop trying to death grip force it into place. t
-Emily
Hot. Cold.
Pain.
Cramps.
Anger. (So much anger).
Uncertainty.
Emotional rollercoasters.
That feeling like you're about to start bleeding.
Eating everything around me (then feeling sick)
Craving suits.
Absent-minded.
Frustrated.
Oh my gosh, it is nuts. And every time I go to the bathroom I hope to see blood (quite the opposite of the past few months!) because I don't know about you, but when I start bleeding the crazy hormones abate. I just want the sweet release of not wanting to bite everything around me. Yes, bite.
Next Wednesday, I go back to the lab for a blood draw. Although the tests are showing completely negative, so I truly believe this is my hormones leveling back out. I also am not showing any ovulation on the home tests, so I will be starting to track my morning temperature. It's the most cost-effective way to watch my body for now. I'm debating investing in a nice thermometer, but I can't find one under 100 dollars without crazy reviews that have no consistency. So maybe I'll start off with just our regular old thermometer.
I said I wanted normalcy, and this is apparently how we get there. I feel so bad for my husband. Last night I came home, we fought, I cried, and then passed out from exhaustion. And then everything was okay once I woke back up.... seriously.
That all being said, I reached out to some women on the "Trying to conceive after a 2nd/3rd trimester loss" page, and they told me that I could not get back to a regular cycle for 12 weeks. Which, that breaks my heart, but I do feel better. At least I am in the realm of normal, and I will not be sterile forever. It sounds like most women experience their first period about 6-8 weeks post miscarriage. Which means I might be right in the realm of normal.
Normal.
I'm not entirely sure what life will be like now. I know the normal will be a new normal. And I'm okay with that. We also are looking at renting a house, so that could be an exciting change... or we'll stay in our crappy apartment and try to save money to buy a house. I don't know. I really am leaning towards getting my "Que sera sera" tattoo, because I need to learn to sit back and let life happen and stop trying to death grip force it into place. t
-Emily
Monday, August 24, 2015
MTHFR explained
While carousing the BabyCenter "Subchorionic Hematoma Support Group" forums, I stumbled upon an incredible conversation about the MTHFR genetic mutation.
According to the poster, sometimes people with SCH find out later they have a genetic mutation on the MTHFR gene, which causes a lot of different problems (more research below). One of the side affects is that folic acid in the synthetic form--what is in most prenatals--cannot be processed by our bodies. Here is her quote:
According to the poster, sometimes people with SCH find out later they have a genetic mutation on the MTHFR gene, which causes a lot of different problems (more research below). One of the side affects is that folic acid in the synthetic form--what is in most prenatals--cannot be processed by our bodies. Here is her quote:
"My friend was taking a prenatal made with folate. Some people, most people who develop and SCH later find out they have a genetic annomonly called MTHFR with 1 or multiple variants. Missing this enzyme the body cannot utilize folic acid and only a small percentage of folate found naturally in vegetable and food. Folic acid is man made and people with this annomonly cannot utilize it at all. The methyl version is already preconverted with the enzyme so the body uses it right away. No need to try and break it down." Babyjoy427
This is NOT scientific information that you should rely on--please do your own research before taking any supplements and talk to your care provider. I am not a medical professional in any way, and this is just my place to organize my thoughts before we TTC again this fall.
BabyCenter is an extremely valuable resource for up-to-date information about this stuff, and long after my trials and tribulations are over, you might find that the ladies there have discovered even more relevant and current information to you.
Apparently, this genetic mutation can cause depression, miscarriage, addiction, etc. Kind of crazy. Another good source on this can be found here: http://ghr.nlm.nih.gov/gene/MTHFR
Apparently, this genetic mutation can cause depression, miscarriage, addiction, etc. Kind of crazy. Another good source on this can be found here: http://ghr.nlm.nih.gov/gene/MTHFR
I know we have discussed MTHFR before, so let's move along.
I have started taking the Wondfo ovulation test strips. We are now 24 days post miscarriage (3.5 weeks) and no sign of a period. Or even really of ovulation. This worries me, as it means I could still need a D&C, but we're hoping that is not the case. There's a chance I ovulated and missed it, or I am just slow, but that is why I am testing. Best case scenario, I start my period later this week. Worst case scenario, we are still two and a half weeks away from a period. I am also going to test today for pregnancy, and see if that is still triggering the BFP on the wondfo sticks. If I am still showing hCG, then I won't be ovulating, and then we'll just see what happens next week in my blood draw.
Here is what I am hearing:
1. Ovulation occurs 2-4 weeks after a miscarriage.
2. Your period begins 2 weeks after ovulation.
If my levels are still above 2, I won't be ovulating, and then no period, and then my body's hormones are all crazy and we need to figure something out with the OB.
*I know most of this blog is a trigger, and I need to put a warning, but here is a big trigger*
I am also tracking CM, because sometimes that helps me determine ovulation. Of course, I have been dry up until just last week. And what there is has been sticky, yellowish-tinted, almost globules. It is stretchy, but not creamy like lotion or runny like egg whites. I guess there is a possibility it is an infection, but I just don't think so. I think it's my body figuring out where it is in this process and pulling itself out of a nosedive of insane hormones.
I will report back tomorrow on the results of the preg. test, and see how that compares to the one I took last Monday. I am hoping we are in the clear. This waiting thing is starting to drive me a little crazy!
But on a brighter note, I went for a mile walk yesterday, and it felt really good. Tomorrow I will attempt GoldsFit, as my tattoo feels almost entirely healed. I will try it and see how far we get... no idea where my body is fit-wise, but I know it's worse than before.
Weight - I have officially gone OVER my pregnancy weight. I don't know what's happening with me, i guess it's the food. I need to get it under control, because I know I can't do a pregnancy this heavy. I need to lose about 30 lbs before I feel comfortable getting pregnant again. And that's a LOW END estimate. I am going to try NutriSystem starting on Sunday. I think having a set of meals will help. We will see. Definitely frustrated.
-Emily
Weight - I have officially gone OVER my pregnancy weight. I don't know what's happening with me, i guess it's the food. I need to get it under control, because I know I can't do a pregnancy this heavy. I need to lose about 30 lbs before I feel comfortable getting pregnant again. And that's a LOW END estimate. I am going to try NutriSystem starting on Sunday. I think having a set of meals will help. We will see. Definitely frustrated.
-Emily
Tuesday, August 18, 2015
The week of the baby club, and how I am backsliding.
Our two closest couple friends are pregnant. My best friend is due Friday and my husband's best friend is due... right now. They are both having sons. Their sons would be the same ages apart from our angel baby as we are with our friends. We were going to have a built in baby group--our babies would have a group of boys to run wild with as they grew up.
There is no hope now of our children being anywhere near close in age. They'll reach those pivotal milestones long before our future baby will. And maybe we'll get pregnant again (I hope so, anyways) when they are on their second babies. I don't know.
But all of this happening this week, it just... makes my stomach clench up. And I feel sick. And sad. And angry. And empty. I feel like we'll never have a healthy baby. I can't imagine how those couples who lose two, three, four in a row and keep going. The strength they must have... I don't know how they endure the loss. I am feeling so discouraged right now. It doesn't help that my hCG levels are wonky, and I'm waiting on yet another call from my OB. For another possible week of surgery.
So, I sit here, staring at my phone, dreading/looking forward to the moment we get the calls. The squirmy, healthy, angry little boys that are on their ways to us. The first picture of the proud mother and father, holding their perfect babies and the year they've carried them successfully. And I do not begrudge them that. or their happiness. I am not bitter, and I am very happy for them. I still have mixed emotions about whether or not I want to see their babies right away. I just don't know what I'll feel. I am not normally an "emotional" woman, but I do think that might not be the best move to make right now.
Anyways, I know there is always hope where there is faith and love. But today, I just want to disappear and redo the past 6 months. I feel like a bad friend, but that's all there is to it. I'm just sad and feeling the loss today.
-Emily
There is no hope now of our children being anywhere near close in age. They'll reach those pivotal milestones long before our future baby will. And maybe we'll get pregnant again (I hope so, anyways) when they are on their second babies. I don't know.
But all of this happening this week, it just... makes my stomach clench up. And I feel sick. And sad. And angry. And empty. I feel like we'll never have a healthy baby. I can't imagine how those couples who lose two, three, four in a row and keep going. The strength they must have... I don't know how they endure the loss. I am feeling so discouraged right now. It doesn't help that my hCG levels are wonky, and I'm waiting on yet another call from my OB. For another possible week of surgery.
So, I sit here, staring at my phone, dreading/looking forward to the moment we get the calls. The squirmy, healthy, angry little boys that are on their ways to us. The first picture of the proud mother and father, holding their perfect babies and the year they've carried them successfully. And I do not begrudge them that. or their happiness. I am not bitter, and I am very happy for them. I still have mixed emotions about whether or not I want to see their babies right away. I just don't know what I'll feel. I am not normally an "emotional" woman, but I do think that might not be the best move to make right now.
Anyways, I know there is always hope where there is faith and love. But today, I just want to disappear and redo the past 6 months. I feel like a bad friend, but that's all there is to it. I'm just sad and feeling the loss today.
-Emily
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