Defeated.

I feel defeated. 

My husband used the word frustrated, but that's not quite right. Because, honestly, I just... want to be done. 

I feel such apathy right now. I feel like I've just run a half marathon, and I have two options - I can walk up a steep hill to my car, or I can sit on the pavement and watch other people finish their runs and walk to their cars. That's a weird analogy. My point is. I am tired of moving forward. I am tired of thinking and planning and hoping. I feel like it's all over. 

We went to the high risk doctor today, and his official assessment was, "It sounds like a fluke." 

A fluke. A horrible, life changing, horrific fluke. 

A family history of blood clots means very little when you were tested negative for the disease your family member had. I am healthy, by all accounts. Overweight, and anxiety-laden, but healthy. 

I don't know what I was hoping for... maybe something to ease my concern of this ever happening again. But that's not what I was told, I was told this was most likely a fluke, and we can try again in 4-6 months (December), and that we shouldn't have to do anything differently. 

I will give you everything I learned - 

-An assessment of fibroids by the Ultrasound Tech in the ER is a questionable assessment, especially without pictures.

-Lose 5-10% of my body fat (uh, yea, at least)

-Getting a blood test for Antiphospholipids (but I think that was just the doctor's way of trying to make me feel like we were doing something) 

-At my urging, he agreed to do progesterone supplements next time we're pregnant, but said that it's a chicken/egg situation. Was the uterus weakened/problematic and causing low hormone readings, or were my low hormones what caused the miscarriage in the first place? 

-Maybe the embroyo implanted on a blood vessel that kept bleeding, that is usually the case

-Fibroids would be more of a problem later in pregnancy, not as early as we were 

-For anyone wondering, the "official wait time" after a miscarriage is 1-2 months for first trimester, 4-6 months second trimester, 6 months-1 year third trimester 

It was a fluke. 

I feel so broken. I can't do this again. I can't do this again knowing that nothing was fixed, nothing was solved. I can't do this again knowing we are subjecting a fetus to a short life and a long death. 

I don't know why I am so upset about this, I was never sure I wanted a baby in the first place. Everyone tells you they ruin your life. So maybe we just, don't.

I might go silent for a while here. I have to process this. I can tell you one thing, we will not be getting pregnant any time soon. I am going to look into birth control. I don't want to be one of those women who are obsessed with having a baby and puts herself through hell trying.

I need some time away from this. From 'babies'. I need to get back to my normal life. I need to get away from it all. I'm so angry. I've always been a sore loser. I take my ball and go home. Well, so be it. Life's not fair. That's all I've learned in the past six months. Life's not fair, and the people who seem like they'd make awesome parents don't get babies.

Thanks for reading. If I ever get to a point where I change my mind, I will let you know. And I'll update this if I have the phospholipid disease (i won't). It was a fluke, and my womb is not designed to make babies. 

-Emily