My relationship thus far with pregnancy has been for me to give my body, mind, and soul to the tiny human growing inside me, with no end result. No baby to take home. Emphasis on giving the body, btw. I have now spent about 5 months total being pregnant between this pregnancy and the last. Five months gone to ..... a question mark. So you could say my attitude towards this fetus is one of uncertainty. I am (more than) half positive it will end in miscarriage. That is what my odds have been thus far, and we are products of our experiences.
I am trying to stay positive, yes of course, I want this to happen. And literally every day we inch closer to 40 weeks I feel a percentage point of worry drop off. I want things to be right. Things to go smoothly as it does for so many other women. Once we hit February 12, our official 12 week point, I think I might start relaxing into the joy and love those around me are expressing for our little "blip". This time, my mother has started finding nursery theme ideas, and my husband is planning on how to set up the nursery. And in my mind, all I can think about is "we'll discuss all of this in July when the baby is healthy and viable." I've had two offers for baby showers, which seems so far away to me, I can't even begin to imagine it happening. I honestly can't imagine August 26 - our official due date - being a real day. For me, it is hour-by-hour, week-by-week. Hell, I just bought another 40 pack of overnight pads, because I wear them all day "just in case".
Maybe I'm neurotic... It's possible. Sometimes I feel like I am.
But I also am trying to be stronger and better and not being so completely devastated again.
Yes, I went to Destination Maternity and bought some cute work tops and pants and leggings. And I will need workout clothes, too, because I am supposed to lose 10 lbs throughout this pregnancy. (Trust me, I am planning on making that happen). (It needs to happen). But still, it just doesn't feel real. I also think that last time the clot was causing friction and pain, because I FELT my uterus. And it didn't feel great. This time, I feel nothing. Some days, I don't even remember I am pregnant. That is so ultimately different from last time. I'm not complaining. And yes, there is nausea. I feel like there is something stuck in my throat and depending on what I see or smell, it could cause a major upchuck. Luckily, this has so far not been the case! The women on my mother's side are blessed with uneventful pregnancies as far as nausea goes.
Anyways, my point is, I am jonesing for a drink. Anxious to get back to staying up past 6pm, and so ready to know if this is "going to happen." Last week we were supposed to be on a flight to Ireland. Right before we got on the transatlantic leg of our journey, I started bleeding/spotting light pink. I lost it. We were on the plane, and I lost my mind. Anxiety took over, and I panicked. My husband freaked out, and we were so concerned about having a MC on a plane (one of the smallest planes I've ever seen as far as international flights) over the ocean. I couldn't handle that thought. So we disembarked, and stayed in the city for a week instead of going over to Ireland.
My reaction surprised me. I thought I was being so practical and realistic about this one, but my reaction and fear on the plane showed me that, not so deep-down, I am terrified of this little nugget leaving us. We did the unthinkable (as far as my fear of making waves goes). We changed our course of action for the safety of me and our unborn baby. And while that might sound sweet, part of me is very, very upset that we gave up the trip of a lifetime for a big old fat question mark. And if we do miscarry again, I will feel like it was all for naught.
I don't know if this post has a point. Except to say that I am beyond fear. I am terrified. I am beside myself in uncertainty. I am worried about what will come. I wish I knew the answer, I guess that's the joy of life, we can't know what lies ahead. All we can do is our best. and I would stop the world for my child, I just hope it decides to stick around and be healthy. Because we're all in, baby. We're committed and even though we're scared shitless, I am starting... teensy tiny bits... to come around to the idea that this might happen. That we might have a child in August. That life is changing.
Anyways, not a big update, just wanted to let you know we never made it overseas, and I'm in a weird mental place. Next OB appointment is Feb 10th, so two weeks away.
Life is weird. I am weird. Life is changing. I am changing. That is all.
-Emily
Showing posts with label change. Show all posts
Showing posts with label change. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 26, 2016
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
Adrift in a sea of craziness
There's a lot going on right now. I'm not gonna lie, I'm pretty overwhelmed.
But this is a good overwhelmed, it is a lot of change, and that is something I've been missing in my life for the past few years.
So first things first, I never called the doctor back. I need to do that. I don't know why I haven't. I guess part of me doesn't want to know, and another part of me thinks it's all fine that is why I haven't heard from him, and ANOTHER part of me thinks it's their responsibility to call me if I have some horrible life changing problem. (Right?!)
I guess with that in mind, there is probably no problem. And then the "I should still call them" cycle begins again. Maybe I will just do it today and get it over with. Bleh.
Well, we put a bid on a house, and they accepted, so it looks like we are buying a house. We were preapproved for a loan, so now we just have to make sure we can get that loan, and the inspection is Thursday. Something feels right about getting a house before a baby. The master has a nursery attached, so we'll have a baby room attached to our room. There are two bedrooms, so we'll have a guest room, and eventually the baby will move into that room. And there is a finished basement. It's everything we need. As much as I miss Scrumbles, I know that our next baby will be so much happier growing up in an incredible neighborhood, with a house to call his/her own, and a puppy to snuggle with, and a better life than what we would have had just a few months ago. I am pretty excited, and happy that it's happening so soon.
My husband is insisting we wait until we go to Ireland before we start trying again. As much as I want to be angry at him for it, I do think it makes the most sense. I want to be pregnant so badly, and I'm watching as my baby boards friends are all conceiving. I feel like we are wasting time on an arbitrary date. But I know we will have more fun and be more relaxed if we aren't worried about the pregnacny. The stress of traveling, the concern about flying, drinking Whiskey. I know it will be magical if we can experience the trip together. But my biological clock doesn't stop ticking just because I tell it to. And now that we have a REAL LIFE HOUSE in an incredible city it feels even more important to get pregnant. I think we will have to temper that desire with staying busy, exercising, and working on getting the house move-in ready.We also volunteered to have either Christmas or New Years parties, so it will be really fun to be with family and friends around the holidays in our new place. We sign on December 18, which means we will have a house for Christmas. I know that 2016 is going to be a better year. I know it is going to be full of changes and love and building new things and experiences. I cannot wait.
Alright, changing gears. I am going to tell you a little story. Three months ago I had a second trimester miscarriage. I holed myself away from social events, society, and people. I decided that by Halloween I would be ready to go back out, and that timing was pretty accurate. In that time, my close friends stuck by me, but I was still keeping them at an arm's length. I hadn't seen any extended family since 4th of July. When Halloween rolled around and I was ready to get back out there and live my life, what I realized is that no one was there waiting for me. My friends had forgotten me. Life went on. They made plans without me. I half expected a last minute Halloween party to pop up. We did get two offers, but one was with a friend who hadn't talked to me or asked how I was doing or even knew we had a miscarriage. So. No. The other was a friend who was going to her mom's house. And as fun as that would have been, we would have been the awkward couple that tagged along.
I guess it taught me a valuable lesson. and that lesson is stick with your family. and don't waste time with people who don't care about you. And that I am a changed person. And there is really no going back. That life before was different, and I feel now how truly connected I am to my husband and how we have eachother and need to stick with each other no matter how bad the world around us gets. I love him so much.
So, after waking up on November 1st and feeling very alone (not alone alone, but alone in the friends area) I made this list. It is going to be how I live my life from now on. Even though I am incredibly shy, this list will be my new mantra:
BE KIND
BE CLEAR
BE BRAVE
DON'T WASTE TIME (on people that don't matter)
BE EFFICIENT
BE CALM
BREATHE
You are welcome to use my list. :) I am finding it helps tremendously in all things.
Emily
But this is a good overwhelmed, it is a lot of change, and that is something I've been missing in my life for the past few years.
So first things first, I never called the doctor back. I need to do that. I don't know why I haven't. I guess part of me doesn't want to know, and another part of me thinks it's all fine that is why I haven't heard from him, and ANOTHER part of me thinks it's their responsibility to call me if I have some horrible life changing problem. (Right?!)
I guess with that in mind, there is probably no problem. And then the "I should still call them" cycle begins again. Maybe I will just do it today and get it over with. Bleh.
Well, we put a bid on a house, and they accepted, so it looks like we are buying a house. We were preapproved for a loan, so now we just have to make sure we can get that loan, and the inspection is Thursday. Something feels right about getting a house before a baby. The master has a nursery attached, so we'll have a baby room attached to our room. There are two bedrooms, so we'll have a guest room, and eventually the baby will move into that room. And there is a finished basement. It's everything we need. As much as I miss Scrumbles, I know that our next baby will be so much happier growing up in an incredible neighborhood, with a house to call his/her own, and a puppy to snuggle with, and a better life than what we would have had just a few months ago. I am pretty excited, and happy that it's happening so soon.
My husband is insisting we wait until we go to Ireland before we start trying again. As much as I want to be angry at him for it, I do think it makes the most sense. I want to be pregnant so badly, and I'm watching as my baby boards friends are all conceiving. I feel like we are wasting time on an arbitrary date. But I know we will have more fun and be more relaxed if we aren't worried about the pregnacny. The stress of traveling, the concern about flying, drinking Whiskey. I know it will be magical if we can experience the trip together. But my biological clock doesn't stop ticking just because I tell it to. And now that we have a REAL LIFE HOUSE in an incredible city it feels even more important to get pregnant. I think we will have to temper that desire with staying busy, exercising, and working on getting the house move-in ready.We also volunteered to have either Christmas or New Years parties, so it will be really fun to be with family and friends around the holidays in our new place. We sign on December 18, which means we will have a house for Christmas. I know that 2016 is going to be a better year. I know it is going to be full of changes and love and building new things and experiences. I cannot wait.
Alright, changing gears. I am going to tell you a little story. Three months ago I had a second trimester miscarriage. I holed myself away from social events, society, and people. I decided that by Halloween I would be ready to go back out, and that timing was pretty accurate. In that time, my close friends stuck by me, but I was still keeping them at an arm's length. I hadn't seen any extended family since 4th of July. When Halloween rolled around and I was ready to get back out there and live my life, what I realized is that no one was there waiting for me. My friends had forgotten me. Life went on. They made plans without me. I half expected a last minute Halloween party to pop up. We did get two offers, but one was with a friend who hadn't talked to me or asked how I was doing or even knew we had a miscarriage. So. No. The other was a friend who was going to her mom's house. And as fun as that would have been, we would have been the awkward couple that tagged along.
I guess it taught me a valuable lesson. and that lesson is stick with your family. and don't waste time with people who don't care about you. And that I am a changed person. And there is really no going back. That life before was different, and I feel now how truly connected I am to my husband and how we have eachother and need to stick with each other no matter how bad the world around us gets. I love him so much.
So, after waking up on November 1st and feeling very alone (not alone alone, but alone in the friends area) I made this list. It is going to be how I live my life from now on. Even though I am incredibly shy, this list will be my new mantra:
BE KIND
BE CLEAR
BE BRAVE
DON'T WASTE TIME (on people that don't matter)
BE EFFICIENT
BE CALM
BREATHE
You are welcome to use my list. :) I am finding it helps tremendously in all things.
Emily
Monday, September 21, 2015
An Emerald Isle
Good morning, it is bright, early, and beautiful here in Missouri. The weekend we were blessed with had high temperatures in the 70s. I was able to enjoy time with my husband and my mother. She just got back from a two week trip to Washington, so it was nice to catch up.
My biggest project over the coming weeks will be to "purge" myself of unnecessary belongings. Partly because the 'new' Emily is very different, and I like having fewer 'things', and what Ido have I want to be high quality. The other reason for this cleaning is my landlord told me yesterday that she is selling the house we live in. So we could, theoretically, be looking for a new home. With my husband in school full time, and paying all of our medical bills we don't have the money for a down payment on a home in the area we want to be. So we will continue to rent. But moving is a motivator to pare down on the excess stuff we have accumulated.
So, on to the baby stuff, which is why I'm really here. :)
My levels hit 1.9! HOORAY!! I am officially back to normal. We all knew this when I started my period! But, it is nice that the blood backs it up. I am instructed to contact my OB in a year for my annual check up, or if we start trying and have no luck in six months. She did not want to do any testing, which, to me, feels like a 'go ahead' to see the specialist. October 4th is the appointment with our high risk OB, and I will have much more news for you then.
Until then, I am working out with my new coach and new friend I met through a networking group on facebook. I am down another pound, huzzah! My temperatures never spiked, so I still do not know if I ovulated this month, but we will know in about 3 weeks when I track again. I was taking OPKs (Ovulation Predictor Kits) and had a positive, but only one, so it could have been a fluke?
Alright, here is the coolest thing, I think. We decided (perhaps while drinking... definitely while drinking...) to go to Ireland.
Now, I know I've been talking about cash and bills, and trust me, money is tight. But we just came into some money that deserved a good use. I have friends all over Britain who have offered to let us stay with them for free, and I work for a car rental company, so car hire will be half price. We will pack our own breakfasts and lunches, and try to eat inexpensive (to Tesco!). My husband is writing a six book fantasy novel series, and in book three the characters travel to Ireland. He has never been (and I've only ever been to Dublin) so he will be able to write part of that book while there. We are going to start in Dublin, go visit friends in Limerick, hopefully get up north, and then spend time in London.
While we are there, I have decided to do Angel Rocks. I will write down names of Angel Babies (or any lost loved one) and take a picture of their rock in a beautiful Irish location. Then send the photos to the family. I've seen this done other places, and it is a very nice way to remember people and also a cool way to experience the world and spread the love. I even started a gofundme. For $15 if someone wants an angel rock, they can have one done in Ireland. For $5 dollars I will compile a list of names and do a larger rock. I think this will be a fun project, and help to offset the cost of our trip.
gofund.me/angelrocksireland
Oh btw, did I mention we will be ttc in Ireland? I mean, it's hopeful thinking... we will plan it around our charting, and of course it's a once in a lifetime chance... But we're going to try for it!!!
Okay, so this is a very happy post, full of potential, possibility, and change. Let's embrace the change. :)
-Emily
My biggest project over the coming weeks will be to "purge" myself of unnecessary belongings. Partly because the 'new' Emily is very different, and I like having fewer 'things', and what Ido have I want to be high quality. The other reason for this cleaning is my landlord told me yesterday that she is selling the house we live in. So we could, theoretically, be looking for a new home. With my husband in school full time, and paying all of our medical bills we don't have the money for a down payment on a home in the area we want to be. So we will continue to rent. But moving is a motivator to pare down on the excess stuff we have accumulated.
So, on to the baby stuff, which is why I'm really here. :)
My levels hit 1.9! HOORAY!! I am officially back to normal. We all knew this when I started my period! But, it is nice that the blood backs it up. I am instructed to contact my OB in a year for my annual check up, or if we start trying and have no luck in six months. She did not want to do any testing, which, to me, feels like a 'go ahead' to see the specialist. October 4th is the appointment with our high risk OB, and I will have much more news for you then.
Until then, I am working out with my new coach and new friend I met through a networking group on facebook. I am down another pound, huzzah! My temperatures never spiked, so I still do not know if I ovulated this month, but we will know in about 3 weeks when I track again. I was taking OPKs (Ovulation Predictor Kits) and had a positive, but only one, so it could have been a fluke?
Alright, here is the coolest thing, I think. We decided (perhaps while drinking... definitely while drinking...) to go to Ireland.
Now, I know I've been talking about cash and bills, and trust me, money is tight. But we just came into some money that deserved a good use. I have friends all over Britain who have offered to let us stay with them for free, and I work for a car rental company, so car hire will be half price. We will pack our own breakfasts and lunches, and try to eat inexpensive (to Tesco!). My husband is writing a six book fantasy novel series, and in book three the characters travel to Ireland. He has never been (and I've only ever been to Dublin) so he will be able to write part of that book while there. We are going to start in Dublin, go visit friends in Limerick, hopefully get up north, and then spend time in London.
While we are there, I have decided to do Angel Rocks. I will write down names of Angel Babies (or any lost loved one) and take a picture of their rock in a beautiful Irish location. Then send the photos to the family. I've seen this done other places, and it is a very nice way to remember people and also a cool way to experience the world and spread the love. I even started a gofundme. For $15 if someone wants an angel rock, they can have one done in Ireland. For $5 dollars I will compile a list of names and do a larger rock. I think this will be a fun project, and help to offset the cost of our trip.
gofund.me/angelrocksireland
Oh btw, did I mention we will be ttc in Ireland? I mean, it's hopeful thinking... we will plan it around our charting, and of course it's a once in a lifetime chance... But we're going to try for it!!!
Okay, so this is a very happy post, full of potential, possibility, and change. Let's embrace the change. :)
-Emily
Friday, August 28, 2015
"should"
Go through a crisis ... of any sort ... and I think you will discover something that humans tend to do after their friends/family go through a crisis.
They tell you what you should do.
"Should"
Emily, you should...
...get out with friends.
...go outside and get some fresh air.
...come visit me.
...read this book.
...get over it, there will be more babies.
...spend some time with your family.
...come over for a game night.
...find something to fill the time, like a new hobby.
...go ride a horse, it will make you feel better.
...treat yourself well while you're healing.
Look, I know you are trying to support me. And you truly do believe what you're telling me will help. I understand that it is a human nature to want to help and coddle and get sad people to stop being sad. (It's very uncomfortable to be around sad people.)
But you are wrong. All of you. I love you, and yes, THANK YOU for being there for me, but here is some advice to you all:
If you have, or have not, gone through what I just went through, you will never be able to completely understand how I am feeling. There are no two people or circumstances that are exactly alike. And what worked for you may not work for me, and you thinking that you know what will heal me is not your place to tell me about. I will do exactly what I think I should be doing.
If you want to be there for me, to talk, to visit, to get dinner, to text silly pictures, or talk about fall fashion, then be there for that. You can even gently nudge me to try to get out if you are seeing me decline. But you have no weight in your opinion when you tell me what I should or should not do.
I was guilty of this, too. Now I know. The only thing people experiencing a life change want to hear is "I love you, I'm so sorry you are experiencing this, I will be there for you if you need anything." That's it. It's that simple. Just repeat those words and whoever is suffering will be so grateful... But then again, what do I know? I don't know what every grieving person is feeling. So do whatever you want. But when it comes to me, please please please stop telling me what I should be doing.
(I am not mad at you, btw, I am just triggered by that word right now.)
I also heard a really interesting motivational speech from a beautiful woman I follow for my weight loss journey. She lost over 100lbs and goes by the name Erica Fit Love. She said that sometimes you outgrow situations and people. And once you realize that your life needs to grow without those people, then you should not feel guilt as you move away from them/the situation. And she also mentioned you need to be able to let go of people who outgrow you.
This experience has helped me grow, but growing pains are sometimes uncomfortable, and I have outgrown some situations. I am understanding better how those people/relationships make me feel, and I can now say NO to them. It's still hard, and sometimes I want to crawl back into my safety "love everyone, and everyone will love you -- false -- shell". But that is bad thinking, and I am growing. So, what I should be doing is what I'm doing already. Working out, loving my husband, talking to people who make me feel better/normal and slowly dipping my toe back into the real world of socializing.
-Emily
They tell you what you should do.
"Should"
Emily, you should...
...get out with friends.
...go outside and get some fresh air.
...come visit me.
...read this book.
...get over it, there will be more babies.
...spend some time with your family.
...come over for a game night.
...find something to fill the time, like a new hobby.
...go ride a horse, it will make you feel better.
...treat yourself well while you're healing.
Look, I know you are trying to support me. And you truly do believe what you're telling me will help. I understand that it is a human nature to want to help and coddle and get sad people to stop being sad. (It's very uncomfortable to be around sad people.)
But you are wrong. All of you. I love you, and yes, THANK YOU for being there for me, but here is some advice to you all:
If you have, or have not, gone through what I just went through, you will never be able to completely understand how I am feeling. There are no two people or circumstances that are exactly alike. And what worked for you may not work for me, and you thinking that you know what will heal me is not your place to tell me about. I will do exactly what I think I should be doing.
If you want to be there for me, to talk, to visit, to get dinner, to text silly pictures, or talk about fall fashion, then be there for that. You can even gently nudge me to try to get out if you are seeing me decline. But you have no weight in your opinion when you tell me what I should or should not do.
I was guilty of this, too. Now I know. The only thing people experiencing a life change want to hear is "I love you, I'm so sorry you are experiencing this, I will be there for you if you need anything." That's it. It's that simple. Just repeat those words and whoever is suffering will be so grateful... But then again, what do I know? I don't know what every grieving person is feeling. So do whatever you want. But when it comes to me, please please please stop telling me what I should be doing.
(I am not mad at you, btw, I am just triggered by that word right now.)
I also heard a really interesting motivational speech from a beautiful woman I follow for my weight loss journey. She lost over 100lbs and goes by the name Erica Fit Love. She said that sometimes you outgrow situations and people. And once you realize that your life needs to grow without those people, then you should not feel guilt as you move away from them/the situation. And she also mentioned you need to be able to let go of people who outgrow you.
This experience has helped me grow, but growing pains are sometimes uncomfortable, and I have outgrown some situations. I am understanding better how those people/relationships make me feel, and I can now say NO to them. It's still hard, and sometimes I want to crawl back into my safety "love everyone, and everyone will love you -- false -- shell". But that is bad thinking, and I am growing. So, what I should be doing is what I'm doing already. Working out, loving my husband, talking to people who make me feel better/normal and slowly dipping my toe back into the real world of socializing.
-Emily
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