Friday was an interesting day. Friday was a day that I think I might have hit rock bottom in my life - physically, emotionally, financially.
With the buying of the house, we are reassessing our finances, and I am seeing just how much money I have spent over the past three months trying to fill the void in my womb with... "stuff". Skirts, clothes, trips, chairs, furniture, food, anything that isn't baby-focused, I am buying it. We are so in debt right now. It adds up so quickly--doctor bills, medical bills, house assessments, inspections... it all went on the credit card as we saved money to pay for the house.
So, we are in debt, it's Christmas, our monthly payments are about to double, and we planned this trip to Ireland on a lark, that now we are mostly just dreading because we have to pay for it. I feel sick to my stomach.
Speaking of stomachs, I am eating like a cow. I mean, just filling my stomach until it is tight and then stretches out again.I'm always hungry, and I've now peaked at 300 lbs .... I am back down to 296, but "down to 296" doesn't really seem like a positive set of words to me.
The Chris Powell plan I was doing worked really well, but then my 'accountability partner' never started, so I was on my own, and of course the machine took back over. I am hoping to start it again once I am positive we are not pregnant again. (torque and jumping around with a potential pregnancy seems dangerous since hematomas are so questionable, i am just trying to stay calm and low-key).
Anyways, Friday I realized I should be 8 months pregnant. I should be huge, with a big belly, and everyone taking bets on what day I am due. But instead I made a massive mistake at work that cost us a lot of money, my husband and I are constantly on edge with each other, and I feel so utterly worthless as a woman as I am reliving the events of July 31st with vivid clarity.
Nothing I do seems successful. I am seeing myself as a total failure. Apparently a side effect of progesterone is "worry" and "depression" and I can say that I have definitely felt those emotions amp up. But it could also be the holiday season. Everyone I know (I know that is hyperbole, but since I am 27 and most of my friends are just now married/newlyweds, it's not far off) is pregnant or posting their one-month-old baby pictures. So Friday night I was an utter mess. The sobbing--it was the raking, choking, whole body shaking sobbing--from July. I felt utter despair. I was lost. I am lost. I am spinning my wheels. My brain is officially burning more calories worrying and thinking about things than my body is working out. The calm I found over the past few months of controlling my food and exercising daily is gone and replaced with what I can only describe as the "worst version of Emily" I have ever seen.
I have also been taking pregnancy tests like a crazy maniac. They are, of course, all negative. Not only was it too soon, but we also missed the most fertile window, and the odds are so slim. That being said, my BBT (which should be dropping dramatically as we head into AF time) is rising steadily, and it is as high as it was when I was pregnant. So I am confused, and hopeful, and scared, and concerned that I'm not doing the right thing. Then add on house stress, and the weight gain.
I don't know. I am just so unhappy with how weak I feel. My husband did not marry this woman. I was not obsessed with babies, and I certainly didn't weigh 300 lbs when we met. And I don't think I'd like myself if I met me. But it seems so hard to change. So hard to get my mind back on track. How do I get it to stop careening down a path to self destruction?
I guess all we can do is try harder, and stop worrying about a. what other people think and b. about failing. That is all I can do. I want to pull myself out of this hole, but it is quite dark and quiet and cozy down here. So I might just leave myself here until Christmas has passed.
-Emily
P.S. I cried at a Target commercial. A TARGET COMMERCIAL.
P.P.S. I cried at the Thanksgiving episode of The Goldbergs. My hormones are a wreck.
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