Or maybe I'm just lazy.
That all being said, it is mid-November. Which means, you guessed it! We are ALMOST THERE for TTC THB #1 (read: Trying to conceive Take Home Baby #1). My husband and I agreed on January Ireland trip to start trying again. So now I am ready to start prepping my womb, body, mind and soul for the journey we are about to undertake.
Step 1: Negativity be-gone
I have really struggled this past month to not hate myself and what I do. Counseling helps, but when you are your biggest antagonist, and you live with yourself 24/7, it is hard to keep positivity up. I have been reading some psychology magazines and articles, and I am pretty sure I suffer from a condition called "doesn't ever vent anger, so bottles it up and makes herself into a victim". That is a real thing, I swear! If you have no means or outlet for anger, you try to justify and rationalize the feelings. When you do this, you internalize everything and start thinking that everything is unfair to YOU (well, me). "My friends all had babies successfully" "My friends all are able to lose weight without struggle" "No one else struggles financially" ... I must just have a bad streak of luck. Well friends, that is not true. I have an amazing husband, an INCREDIBLE family, a wonderful support system of friends. I am not a victim in any way except to myself. These next few months will be spent healing and trying to soften the blows of the punches I throw at myself. And also trying to emotionally get excited for this process and the nine month (hopefully) pregnancy. I have continually written on here that I don't feel like I'll ever get a take home baby. And maybe not. But we're going to try to be as positive as possible going forward.
Step 2: Fixing My Body
It needs 30 days for most people to form a habit. But for me, I can't seem to get past about 14 before something 'epic' and life-changing happens that makes me want to celebrate with food. And instead of nudging myself back in the right direction, I go all out and stop exercising and eat McDonalds. That can't be my strategy going forward. For the next two and a half months everything I do needs to be done for me and ALSO for the baby. Because I'm not just eating Lays potato chips for me, but also I'm creating the future home of our child, and I need to protect my body as much as I would protect our baby.
Step 3: Facing fears
I am not strong sometimes. I will admit that. I am a submissive person by nature. I have a big personality, but my instinct is to duck and run when danger or confrontation arises. But I am realizing that those responses show a disrespect for myself, and I am NOT stupid or incapable. SO I am going to take Papa Roach's advice and Face Everything and Rise. (Papa Roach is my muse, I guess). Facing fears will involve tackling certain tasks that I have been avoiding, confidently and outwardly addressing problems I have with people face-to-face at the time it happens, and making sure I fix myself up to prepare myself for all of these situations. A good friend of mine told me to get some new work clothes so I feel confident and powerful. I tried getting dressed up today and it worked. I do feel stronger (it could also be the Starbucks frappucino, but I am hoping it's also the clothes and shoes). So, a trip to JCP during their big sales is in order. Even though money is tight, I need some superficial confidence to get through these fear-facing moments. And trust me, I'm a very timid person.
Step 4: Supplement party
I've listed here before what I plan to take as we start to try again. Starting now through January, I will gradually be adding back in the full regime so those little zygotes have a strong foothold in the world.
November
Multi-vitamin prenatal
Glucosamine (for my knees, not for baby)
Vitex (to lengthen my luteal phase)
December
All of the above Plus
Vinegar (with the Mother - so it is actually potent, fibroids, general health)
Switch to naturally occurring folate-filled prenatal (in case I can't digest folic acid in its synthetic form)
Cinnamon (to counteract the glucosamine and regulate blood sugar)
January
All of the above Plus
Aspirin (to prevent clotting)
Wheatgrass (dunno, read it somewhere, worth a try to help body heal)
Cayenne Pepper (another healing agent)
I will also start tracking my BBT (read: Basal Body Temperature) starting on CD 1 (read: cycle day 1, meaning first day of period) (which SHOULD be tomorrow). The tracking will help me understand when I ovulate, and the length of the luteal phase.
Luteal Phase Aside: The length of the luteal phase can effect pregnancies. If your body does not produce enough progesterone after ovulation, the zygote can't implant in the uterus successfully. The progesterone dries up and the uterus sheds its lining too quickly. This can be checked by monitoring your ovulation day with your first day of your period. If it is below 10 days, then you have a shortened luteal phase. (mine is appearing to be around 10, i think optimal is 12) I am fairly confident this hurt our pregnancy--the egg implanted, but pulled away because the lining was not thick enough, and my luteal phase was too short. I have been taking Vitex and it seems to be lengthening my cycle. However, I did not understand the importance of the luteal phase the first time around, and most of my BBT tracking disappeared (Glow Users - if you have a miscarriage and put that into your account, it will wipe all of your data. Which is just wonderful once you are already suffering.) Aside Finished.
After ovulation, I will take progesterone each day for nine days until my period. That will help the body produce enough progesterone to develop the lining of the uterus, but by taking it after ovulation you are not restricting ovulation (too much progesterone can tell your body not to drop and egg).
My specialist has progesterone on order for me, but I also have some left over from last time. Hopefully the new order won't be vaginal, because I've watched a blog (with images) on that, and it gets pretty nasty up in thurr with vaginal progesterone. Yikes.
A note on Vitex - they say to stop taking immediately if you get pregnant, but story after story shows that women who took it several weeks into their pregnancy were fine and had no issues, and if they stopped taking it they lost the baby. It's a personal choice, but I think I will continue taking it until we get a successful "no hematoma" report. Praying for that day...
Step 5: Not Caring
So, now you know that my day will be centered around tracking, tracking, tracking, and pills. Which kind of takes the fun out of the "T" in "trying to conceive". But don't worry, we are going to go about our lives and just be married. And have fun. I am definitely able to separate the two things, and it won't be an "OMG IT'S TIME" type situation. We're going to just enjoy life and see what it throws at us. My husband truly believes it will happen the first try again, but I am not convinced. Bodies don't work like that. So I think we'll realistically have until spring before this all works and I have any kind of positive. (but one can hope we get pregnant in Ireland with an Irish baby and we have the baby around Halloween - the best time of the year).
Okay, that is all for today. I am going to also post a really interesting article about having sex all month even when trying to conceive. Apparently your body is distracted, or used to the semen, so it doesn't attack as hard when your cervical mucus 'ladders' are down. Also, another thing I will post is the BEST conception video I've ever seen.
Emily
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