Fear vs. Desire

Yesterday morning I had a really strange thought, "What if I'm pregnant?" 

I know that we discussed the likelihood of this being very, very, veryveryvery slim, but the reaction I had to the thought is what is notable. 

It was a split second of pure, unadulterated joy. Excitement. A future. And then immediately followed by all out fear. I am scared of this happening again, and I don't think that's something time will ever change. I am terrified of finding another black hole on an ultrasound, of making it 14 weeks and planning a future for a child. I am terrified of the pain I experienced when I delivered him. 

I think maybe that's something every new mother faces throughout her pregnancy, some equilibrium of fear and joy. But now that I am jaded to the entire process, my fear outweighs the joy, and I am trying so hard to enjoy the process, and let go, and realize this is going to be a new experience. But I am also a human who is capable of holding two thoughts in her head at once, and one of those thoughts is terror. A tiny voice in my head keeps saying, "I'll never carry a baby to term alive" and "Round two will be exactly the same as the first try." I know we are better prepared, but I can't help feeling these things. 

I've been reading a book my mom not-so-subtly left with a stack of mail she brought over called "Still to be Born". And it's helping me get through some of these feelings. Of understanding that our next child is its own person, and how to try to let some of the fear pass without letting our bodies act on it. Nature is cruel and unforgiving, and that is evidenced by the fact that my mind is absolutely positive we need to wait until we get back from "Whiskey Country", but my womb feels empty and demands to have her way. That must be the biological clock ticking away. 

 Anyways, this is a rambling post with really not point except to show what I am feeling on the dawn of ttc, and how much fear, anxiety, worry, happiness, excitement, joy and love there is in my head and heart all at once. And how the Desire almost always beats out the Fear when it comes to this kind of stuff. And how we, as women and men, grow, and get stronger as we face these trials. 

Time is short, so love now.
-Emily