Hello there! As promised, here is my update on my visit with another OB and a second opinion.
My initial/lasting feelings:
- I love the new doctor.
- He made me feel kind of guilty for coming to him (yea.)
- He told me everything we're doing is good.
- He things if we have another SCH as bad as last time I'd have had a big bleed by now.
- The ultrasound pics are grainy, but he does not see anything major, possibly a small pooling but nothing like last time.
- He'd be willing to work with me.
He is also my doctor's boss (kind of).
Seriously.
I found the one doctor at an unrelated hospital who has a close relationship with my OB! And I wasn't even going to tell him the name of the practice, but it was on my ultrasound pics. Blaaaaaaaaah.
What he DID tell me, is that my OB is VERY good, and highly recommend. She delivers for him and he recommends her. He thinks I'd be in good hands with her. He wanted to know why I wasn't comfortable telling her my concerns and why I got a second opinion. I think that's a pretty obvious question, but voicing my reasons was a good exercise. I wanted to make sure we're doing the right thing, I felt like my questions weren't answered, I am full of anxiety and needed to do everything I could to make sure I am not messing up again.
So anyways, we have a big decision to make. And I don't really know what to do. I like my OB, she has been GREAT. BUt I also feel trepidation when I go to her office. Now we are in new territory it's getting better. SO I am leaning towards staying with her, especially because switching now just seems like a huge effort and a pain and more stressful. Plus I can have her deliver at his hospital which is where I want to be.
Anyways, it was insane. BUT we are 14.5 today, my Round Ligament Pain is hurting, the weird hip-to-hip pain seems to have abated (i think that was my uterus moving out of my hips). I went on a walk the other day and felt great. Weight seems to be staying steady (which was my goal for now since I am scared to exercise). The green mucus is back, so I'll ask her about that next weekend since it went away with the flagyl dose.
I don't know, we're starting to think we might have this baby. Of course anything can happen, but... I am feeling better. The doctor's second opinion made me feel better. And for that reason alone, I am still considering the switch.
We did go get a crib and a stroller (travel system). So the two items I insisted on being new are purchased (with a coupon). It makes it feel so real, and I know it was too early to ge tthose items, but with the coupon we just couldn't pass it up.
Now I just want to know if I will get an US at my 16 week appointment. If we don't, we'll probably go to a private place and have one done, because I just want to see the baby. We also got the bloodwork done last Friday, so I am hoping we get the genetic screening results back within the next week. And once we hear that and make it to 15 weeks, things will feel so much calmer in my mind. I know I'll always be worried, but at leastwe seem to be making progress.
Now if only the disgusting mucus would go away.
The next question is, do I want to know the gender? I honestly don't. But to prepare, I think I do. I want to be able to get stuff ready, and it's very hard to find gender neutral items (the stroller was a struggle).So I guess I will.... just. Ahh. I don't know
Anyways, I'm starting to ramble. There is still weird pain (hopefulyl it's growing pain) and I feel very unsure of everything, so we're just taking it a day at a time.
A day at a time is all we have.
-Emily
I keep dreaming about being pregnant. Reading pregnancy tests that show positives. Last night I dreamt I took one, and it was strong positive, but the strip was twisted, so I couldn't turn it in the right direction to read it.
I also have FELT pregnant, although according to family planning methods that is simply not possible. But the feelings are bringing up a lot of emotions about my angel baby. Last night I was just... sad. For him. For us. For my womb. For the future. I am scared and sad, and it comes and goes in waves. They always say that grief will hit you randomly and you can't expect it or plan for it, and last night was just one of those times. I have started a new weight loss plan "Choose to Lose" by Chris Powell, and it is going to be difficult. And his book had me think and say a lot of affirmations to help me take control over my body, and in doing so, I think it must have stirred up some stuff.
Maybe I feel like I am turning a page on this chapter. Like it's on to the next one. My husband did not cry with me this weekend. I think he is healing. And that is such great news, I am elated. And I am healing, but it still hurts sometimes. Randomly. Like last night. And I knew so little before everything, and now I know so much that I wish I didn't. And I can't help but think that this will just be how it goes forever. That there is never going to be a warm wiggly baby that I get to take home. So in that line of thought, I just say "fuck it". And then a lot of other things matter more,and I am able to feel better. Even if only temporarily.
I am starting to accept and absorb that we are waiting to try again until January. As hard as it sounds right now,w e are not emotionally, financially, or physically ready to do this again. We have submitted for a mortgage loan, and might be looking to buy a house. Which would be a huge endeavor, stressful, and I wouldn't want to be pregnant during that process. I also know that the exhaustion and life changing events are going to be permanent if we get to take home a baby -- seeing my new-parents friends is evidence of that. So waiting is feeling okay. And getting my body under control is so important right now.
But sometimes I get sad. And that's just the way this goes, I think .
I also have not heard back from the specialist, so I plan on calling him on Friday. I think he told us if we didn't hear anything it was good news. But you just never know, so I want to be sure. If nothing is wrong, I will be happy. I have gotten to the point where I will be glad to know I am functioning and what we tested for is not a cause of what happened. If it happens again,we will test for new things. I guess it's like the duck shooting game at the carnival where you just keep knocking the ducks down with pellets until there's nothing left and you either solve the mystery, or go home and decide to be wealthy entrepreneurs with no kids....
Anyways, I felt this blog deserved an update, as it has been two weeks with nothing. And that's not me keeping you in the dark, it's me being in the dark. I have no more answers. I just know how to walk the path laid out ahead of me. And we are so far from it being something we are actively trying that I've thrown away the thermometer and tracking and stopped taking everything but prenatals. I don't even want to look at that stuff right now, because it just makes me sad and angry.
I will update if I learn more.
-Emily
So, I haven't written here since last week. It was Labor Day weekend, and honestly, I have been trying as hard as possible not to think about things. One thing people with anxiety do very well is ruminate. And that is one of my key stressers.
As a follow up, last week my hCG levels were at 5.5. I started my period the day after I had the blood test done, (hooray!) and am now back to charting my Basal Body Temperature every morning. That was what I did last time we got pregnant (that was all I did) and it seemed pretty accurate. I am most interested in finding out if I am going to ovulate this time, or if I will have a non ovulated period. Does that happen? It sounded like it could on some of my boards.
The wonderful nurse from the hospital called me last week, and we found out that the baby was buried, where he was buried, and how to find him. I want to go to the cemetery, but I also am a little scared to. That might not be a normal emotion. I just feel like I am starting to feel more normal, and going out there might bring a cascade of sadness/grief/self loathing back. I will definitely go visit him and his baby buddies ( they bury several babies in a small coffin together), but I just don't know when I will be ready. I am also going to wait to hear from my husband when he is ready, so we can go together.
The burial did not bring as much closure as I thought it would, Probably because we were not invited and had very little to do with the planning. But I do feel a sense of calm and peace that he had a Catholic burial in a holy cemetery and is not alone. That he is wrapped in linen and at peace in Heaven. He is definitely the coolest baby in his group of babies, and the most loved for sure. (I might be biased ;) ).
Now we march forward into cycle #2 post miscarriage. According to my charting, if we wait two cycles we could start trying again end of October. I do not think either of us are ready, and we still have so many medical bills and testing to do. I think we will realistically not be ready until November. Which means we get to try again November 11th. We also might be moving to a new place ( a house... with a yard, and a garage, within walking distance of my work ), and if that works out we will want to plan around moving so my husband doesn't have to do everything by himself.
I am also currently weighing in at 297 lbs, so I need to get down somewhere where I feel at least more comfortable before trying again. We are easily 3 months out. I know that the majority of me is ready, but like I said, there is always fear associated with this after what we've been through. And we can't try again until we are emotionally ready to face another hematoma.
Our doctor appointment with the specialist is October 5th. I will definitely keep this blog updated with how that goes, and what tests I request from them. I will also get their feedback. Once my hCG is at 2, I think my original OB will talk to me about options. I hope so. I would like to stay with her, but I am not going to just "try again" without making some adjustments to what happens with my blood and uterus. I really hope she suggests testing too. Either way, I need to know what is happening. If this happens again and we did nothing to prevent it I will feel incredibly stupid. If it happens again and we tried everything at least I can say "we tried everything".
One exciting thing happened this week. I met a new friend who is around my weight/height/place in life and is trying to lose weight and get in shape. We agreed to hold each other acocuntable and meet up for the Flying Pig in May 2016. She lives outside of chicago, I live outside of Saint Louis. This so far has been a great motivator, and I'm really happy I found her. Life throws you funny curveballs and sets you on paths. This new path is very strange.
I am finding new things out about myself. Things Istruggle with and things I excel at. I'm a little concerned about my job. I am seeing my work quality unbiased, and it's not great. I do worry my time will be short here. But I have found so many things I care about. Things I could do if this didn't work out for me. And I could be happy. I know I could.
Alright, my stomach is killing me, so I think I need to stop typing and go lay down. Not much longer until I get to go home and go to bed.
-Emily
My name is Emily, and I found out I was pregnant in May of 2015. My husband and I were overwhelmed... with excitement, joy, anxiety, nervousness, love. Every emotion you can imagine, we were feeling it.
From the beginning, things felt off for me. I can't explain it. I had never been pregnant before, so I had nothing to go on. But I was never sick, and I had a nagging pain in my lower pelvis by my hip. Around week 7 I started spotting. Pink and light brown. There was no real trigger. Post intercourse, walking a mile, doing nothing -- it all led to spotting.
My initial OB was at a very overworked office, and they were unable to make time to see me, despite my concerns. Between the pain and bleeding, I knew that I needed to find someone who was able to see me. Who knows, maybe if I had not interfered that early our baby would never have made it as far as he did. It might be a mixed blessing.
After lying awake at night searching local OBs who would take new patients, I found the incredible Dr. W. She made time to see me, and on my first visit even did an ultrasound for me. (Unheard of, but she could tell I was panicky.) Prior in the year, I had started taking Prozac for anxiety attacks. I started a new job - my DREAM job - and was under a lot of stress to perform. Once we found out about the baby, I came off of Prozac. So I was already a little bit of an emotional wreck. Dr. W took me in for the scan and that was when my world changed even more than just being pregnant. She found a subchorionic hematoma.
The SCH was crescent-shaped and cradled the left side of my sack. (Interestingly, it is on the side where my hip/groin had been hurting* asterisks will mark questions I have for future pregnancies.) The baby was BEAUTIFUL. Our little gummy bear. His heart was pumping along perfect for his size. I fell in love.
With the advent of new technology, we are able to 'meet' our babies much sooner than we used to. There are pros and cons to this miracle. One con being that we fall in love that much faster with our unborn children. And in love I was. I took my little blip's photograph home and never let it out of my sight. The love shrouded my doctor's warning. She had handed me the delivery packet information with the advice "Maybe hold off on reading that until we get further along in the pregnancy." Okay, whatever, my sticky bean, as we had dubbed him, was perfect. The hematoma was a question mark, but I never truly let the concern sink in. How could a life so thriving be snuffed out by a little blood clot?
I realize now, that at this point I had been set spinning like a dreidel. Slowly, unknowingly at first, but the initial inertia was put to my physical being, and seven weeks later, when my world came crashing down, that dreidel was spinning at full speed.
Dr. W sent me to the phlebotomist that day to get blood drawn. She wanted to check my HCG and Progesterone levels. The following Monday, I got a call from a very concerned Dr. W. I can remember the call clearly:
"Hi Emily, I have some bad news. Your HCG levels are not raising like they should, and your progesterone is way too low. You need to go get a supplement for progesterone, I've put in the request at your pharmacy."
But, the baby grew. We had harmony testing done. He was a boy. No chromosomal abnormalities. I swear I felt him squirming around--he was so active! Around week 13, we entered our second trimester and a feeling of relief washed over us. We made it past the odds. Now the baby was growing big enough to squish that nasty blood clot, and save himself. 1% of miscarriages happen in the second trimester. We felt so safe, we even made the big family and Facebook announcement. 209 people liked the status. My husband and I have been married for three years, and together for nine. People were overjoyed for us. My mom even started getting little rubber ducky/ponies for the baby.
A week later, the spinning dreidel had reached it's max speed and started to rock as it slowed. I had a big bleed at work. The largest bleed I'd ever had throughout the fourteen weeks. I went home and scheduled an appointment with my OB for the next day. (Since this was not my first bleed, I knew what we needed to do and when we should go to the ER. But things slowed down and it was alright.) The next day, I started feeling that icky, bloated feeling that comes with a big bleed. I called in to work, unable to walk to the car without crying in pain.
We saw Dr. W and the baby looked healthy. But the bleed had changed. The original hematoma shrunk dramatically. It looked like it had bled out. But since the SCH was on the top of the baby, it was bleeding around the side. A new pocked formed, and we could see it filling between the baby and the uterus. Our son looked irritated, as much as a 14 week old fetus can look irritated. But his heart was thumping away, so we went home and rested.
The next day, I started cramping. Twisting, grinding, painful cramping with ten minutes in between each one. I know now that was labor contractions. Dr. W prescribed Tylenol and icing my lower abdomen. It helped, but the pain was getting severe (oddly, not as bad as some of my worst periods... I must have VERY bad periods!) That night, I told my husband that I felt like I was dying. I doubled my Tylenol intake and tried to sleep. Only to be awaked at midnight with the need to make a bowel movement. After ten minutes of trying, I gave up and laid back down. As soon as my head hit the pillow a big gush started. Something inside of me knew this was it. My husband was asleep, and I delivered our son by myself at midnight. There was a full, blue moon.
My baby was perfect. He was dead. But he was perfect. I will never forget or forgive myself for feeling the fear I had when I felt him coming. I was such a pansy. I will never, ever, ever forgive myself for not treating him with the respect I should have. I let my fear get a hold of me, and that will never happen again.
The dreidel stopped spinning and fell. My world crashed around me. But the shock kept me from realizing what was happening. We went to the ER. I delivered the remainder of my placenta, and they gave me morphine and zofran for the cramping and nausea (the nausea was mental, not physical).
It seems surreal. That night. If you told me we never went to the hospital, our dead baby in a towel on my lap, I would believe you. But it happened. And that changed me to my very core.
At first, the relief was so great from the pain, and the shock/endorphines kept me from the horror of what happened. But, as anyone who has experienced loss knows, that fades and the grief sets in. It takes hold of you at the root of your heart, and it will never, ever leave. It might come and go in waves, or it might lessen, but the grief of losing a child is a forever thing. He is a part of me forever.
The dreidel has fallen, and now I have seen that there is a new woman in me. I am changed forever. And part of this change is a desire to never, ever, ever sit by idly while this happens again. I want to work hard to find a way to keep this from happening to me, or to anyone. No one deserves this kind of pain. Needless, cruel, pain.
We will try to conceive again. And this blog is where I will keep track of our story. If you are still reading after this, then please, I beg you, share your story with me. There is a community of us who have lost the battle to SCH, and I think a part of my grieving process is 'research'. Because I want to know everything I can about this killer before we try again. Join me in this journey.
-Emily
Tired of feeling lost, tired of letting go.
Tear the whole world down, tear the whole world down.
Failure.
Drive the cloud away,
We will fall from last to none.
The dark before the dawn,
The world will carry on.
Look for the light that leads me home.
"Failure" - Breaking Benjamin
