Go through a crisis ... of any sort ... and I think you will discover something that humans tend to do after their friends/family go through a crisis.
They tell you what you should do.
"Should"
Emily, you should...
...get out with friends.
...go outside and get some fresh air.
...come visit me.
...read this book.
...get over it, there will be more babies.
...spend some time with your family.
...come over for a game night.
...find something to fill the time, like a new hobby.
...go ride a horse, it will make you feel better.
...treat yourself well while you're healing.
Look, I know you are trying to support me. And you truly do believe what you're telling me will help. I understand that it is a human nature to want to help and coddle and get sad people to stop being sad. (It's very uncomfortable to be around sad people.)
But you are wrong. All of you. I love you, and yes, THANK YOU for being there for me, but here is some advice to you all:
If you have, or have not, gone through what I just went through, you will never be able to completely understand how I am feeling. There are no two people or circumstances that are exactly alike. And what worked for you may not work for me, and you thinking that you know what will heal me is not your place to tell me about. I will do exactly what I think I should be doing.
If you want to be there for me, to talk, to visit, to get dinner, to text silly pictures, or talk about fall fashion, then be there for that. You can even gently nudge me to try to get out if you are seeing me decline. But you have no weight in your opinion when you tell me what I should or should not do.
I was guilty of this, too. Now I know. The only thing people experiencing a life change want to hear is "I love you, I'm so sorry you are experiencing this, I will be there for you if you need anything." That's it. It's that simple. Just repeat those words and whoever is suffering will be so grateful... But then again, what do I know? I don't know what every grieving person is feeling. So do whatever you want. But when it comes to me, please please please stop telling me what I should be doing.
(I am not mad at you, btw, I am just triggered by that word right now.)
I also heard a really interesting motivational speech from a beautiful woman I follow for my weight loss journey. She lost over 100lbs and goes by the name Erica Fit Love. She said that sometimes you outgrow situations and people. And once you realize that your life needs to grow without those people, then you should not feel guilt as you move away from them/the situation. And she also mentioned you need to be able to let go of people who outgrow you.
This experience has helped me grow, but growing pains are sometimes uncomfortable, and I have outgrown some situations. I am understanding better how those people/relationships make me feel, and I can now say NO to them. It's still hard, and sometimes I want to crawl back into my safety "love everyone, and everyone will love you -- false -- shell". But that is bad thinking, and I am growing. So, what I should be doing is what I'm doing already. Working out, loving my husband, talking to people who make me feel better/normal and slowly dipping my toe back into the real world of socializing.
-Emily
Friday, August 28, 2015
Feeling strange, hot, and wanting my period to start
If anyone who is reading this has ever experienced PMS, then I would like to tell you that I have been experienced AMPED-UP PMS symptoms for the past two weeks.
Hot. Cold.
Pain.
Cramps.
Anger. (So much anger).
Uncertainty.
Emotional rollercoasters.
That feeling like you're about to start bleeding.
Eating everything around me (then feeling sick)
Craving suits.
Absent-minded.
Frustrated.
Oh my gosh, it is nuts. And every time I go to the bathroom I hope to see blood (quite the opposite of the past few months!) because I don't know about you, but when I start bleeding the crazy hormones abate. I just want the sweet release of not wanting to bite everything around me. Yes, bite.
Next Wednesday, I go back to the lab for a blood draw. Although the tests are showing completely negative, so I truly believe this is my hormones leveling back out. I also am not showing any ovulation on the home tests, so I will be starting to track my morning temperature. It's the most cost-effective way to watch my body for now. I'm debating investing in a nice thermometer, but I can't find one under 100 dollars without crazy reviews that have no consistency. So maybe I'll start off with just our regular old thermometer.
I said I wanted normalcy, and this is apparently how we get there. I feel so bad for my husband. Last night I came home, we fought, I cried, and then passed out from exhaustion. And then everything was okay once I woke back up.... seriously.
That all being said, I reached out to some women on the "Trying to conceive after a 2nd/3rd trimester loss" page, and they told me that I could not get back to a regular cycle for 12 weeks. Which, that breaks my heart, but I do feel better. At least I am in the realm of normal, and I will not be sterile forever. It sounds like most women experience their first period about 6-8 weeks post miscarriage. Which means I might be right in the realm of normal.
Normal.
I'm not entirely sure what life will be like now. I know the normal will be a new normal. And I'm okay with that. We also are looking at renting a house, so that could be an exciting change... or we'll stay in our crappy apartment and try to save money to buy a house. I don't know. I really am leaning towards getting my "Que sera sera" tattoo, because I need to learn to sit back and let life happen and stop trying to death grip force it into place. t
-Emily
Hot. Cold.
Pain.
Cramps.
Anger. (So much anger).
Uncertainty.
Emotional rollercoasters.
That feeling like you're about to start bleeding.
Eating everything around me (then feeling sick)
Craving suits.
Absent-minded.
Frustrated.
Oh my gosh, it is nuts. And every time I go to the bathroom I hope to see blood (quite the opposite of the past few months!) because I don't know about you, but when I start bleeding the crazy hormones abate. I just want the sweet release of not wanting to bite everything around me. Yes, bite.
Next Wednesday, I go back to the lab for a blood draw. Although the tests are showing completely negative, so I truly believe this is my hormones leveling back out. I also am not showing any ovulation on the home tests, so I will be starting to track my morning temperature. It's the most cost-effective way to watch my body for now. I'm debating investing in a nice thermometer, but I can't find one under 100 dollars without crazy reviews that have no consistency. So maybe I'll start off with just our regular old thermometer.
I said I wanted normalcy, and this is apparently how we get there. I feel so bad for my husband. Last night I came home, we fought, I cried, and then passed out from exhaustion. And then everything was okay once I woke back up.... seriously.
That all being said, I reached out to some women on the "Trying to conceive after a 2nd/3rd trimester loss" page, and they told me that I could not get back to a regular cycle for 12 weeks. Which, that breaks my heart, but I do feel better. At least I am in the realm of normal, and I will not be sterile forever. It sounds like most women experience their first period about 6-8 weeks post miscarriage. Which means I might be right in the realm of normal.
Normal.
I'm not entirely sure what life will be like now. I know the normal will be a new normal. And I'm okay with that. We also are looking at renting a house, so that could be an exciting change... or we'll stay in our crappy apartment and try to save money to buy a house. I don't know. I really am leaning towards getting my "Que sera sera" tattoo, because I need to learn to sit back and let life happen and stop trying to death grip force it into place. t
-Emily
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
Ch.Ch.Changes-Turn and face the strain.
I am mean.
And bitter.
And upset.
And apathetic.
And seemingly cruel.
It hit me like a brick today, when one of my friends told me I was making everything out to be her fault. As if she had done something wrong.
I am so, so, so angry.
I am angry. I am FURIOUS. This is not fair. I should be wearing maternity clothes with a belly popping out with my 18 week old baby. And people are telling me about disputes between friends, and weather, and stuff that i JUST. DON'T. CARE. ABOUT. And I should, because that makes friendships. But I just can't. My heart is not into it. I can fake it for a while, but in the end, I am just so angry.
Maybe I do feel like these people did something wrong. They went on living normal, perfectly happy lives and did not experience our pain. And their memory is fading away, and I wake up and fall asleep with the pain, and knowledge, and memories.
It might be time to go see my anxiety counselor again, because I am dangerously teetering between truly healing and solving the problems in my life (money, weight, work ethic), and just spiraling into a little ball of crazy. I need to cut people some slack, and stop being so hard on myself, too. I am allowed to heal, still. I do not owe anyone anything. I need to step back again into my cocoon and continue to heal. Because as hopeful as I was, I am still not 100%. Not even close to 100%.
The question mark surrounding my uterus's functionality is also a roadblock to healing emotionally and physically. When you get pregnant, you never think about what could happen if it went wrong. The potential infertility, the loss, the gaping hole in your relationship with your partner. Well, it's all a possibility. And not something you should dwell on, but something you should be strong enough to work through. I was never strong enough, this is teaching me how to be.
And it hurts. It hurts so bad along the way. And I am so angry.
One positive thing did happen, though. I was able to get to the gym last night and do an hour long workout. It hurt, and I am sore, my tattoo was grumpy... but the last 15 minutes was left for running, and these two AMAZING men in my class ran back with me at my pace, encouraging me the whole way. I feel like I have another new outlet for love and family, and I am so glad that I went to that class. Because it is nice to know there are people who don't judge me for my broken uterus, or feel sorry for me, or hate me, they just want to support me, and I hope someday I can support them the same way.
That's all for now before I start crying.
-Emily.
And bitter.
And upset.
And apathetic.
And seemingly cruel.
It hit me like a brick today, when one of my friends told me I was making everything out to be her fault. As if she had done something wrong.
I am so, so, so angry.
I am angry. I am FURIOUS. This is not fair. I should be wearing maternity clothes with a belly popping out with my 18 week old baby. And people are telling me about disputes between friends, and weather, and stuff that i JUST. DON'T. CARE. ABOUT. And I should, because that makes friendships. But I just can't. My heart is not into it. I can fake it for a while, but in the end, I am just so angry.
Maybe I do feel like these people did something wrong. They went on living normal, perfectly happy lives and did not experience our pain. And their memory is fading away, and I wake up and fall asleep with the pain, and knowledge, and memories.
It might be time to go see my anxiety counselor again, because I am dangerously teetering between truly healing and solving the problems in my life (money, weight, work ethic), and just spiraling into a little ball of crazy. I need to cut people some slack, and stop being so hard on myself, too. I am allowed to heal, still. I do not owe anyone anything. I need to step back again into my cocoon and continue to heal. Because as hopeful as I was, I am still not 100%. Not even close to 100%.
The question mark surrounding my uterus's functionality is also a roadblock to healing emotionally and physically. When you get pregnant, you never think about what could happen if it went wrong. The potential infertility, the loss, the gaping hole in your relationship with your partner. Well, it's all a possibility. And not something you should dwell on, but something you should be strong enough to work through. I was never strong enough, this is teaching me how to be.
And it hurts. It hurts so bad along the way. And I am so angry.
One positive thing did happen, though. I was able to get to the gym last night and do an hour long workout. It hurt, and I am sore, my tattoo was grumpy... but the last 15 minutes was left for running, and these two AMAZING men in my class ran back with me at my pace, encouraging me the whole way. I feel like I have another new outlet for love and family, and I am so glad that I went to that class. Because it is nice to know there are people who don't judge me for my broken uterus, or feel sorry for me, or hate me, they just want to support me, and I hope someday I can support them the same way.
That's all for now before I start crying.
-Emily.
Monday, August 24, 2015
MTHFR explained
While carousing the BabyCenter "Subchorionic Hematoma Support Group" forums, I stumbled upon an incredible conversation about the MTHFR genetic mutation.
According to the poster, sometimes people with SCH find out later they have a genetic mutation on the MTHFR gene, which causes a lot of different problems (more research below). One of the side affects is that folic acid in the synthetic form--what is in most prenatals--cannot be processed by our bodies. Here is her quote:
According to the poster, sometimes people with SCH find out later they have a genetic mutation on the MTHFR gene, which causes a lot of different problems (more research below). One of the side affects is that folic acid in the synthetic form--what is in most prenatals--cannot be processed by our bodies. Here is her quote:
"My friend was taking a prenatal made with folate. Some people, most people who develop and SCH later find out they have a genetic annomonly called MTHFR with 1 or multiple variants. Missing this enzyme the body cannot utilize folic acid and only a small percentage of folate found naturally in vegetable and food. Folic acid is man made and people with this annomonly cannot utilize it at all. The methyl version is already preconverted with the enzyme so the body uses it right away. No need to try and break it down." Babyjoy427
This is NOT scientific information that you should rely on--please do your own research before taking any supplements and talk to your care provider. I am not a medical professional in any way, and this is just my place to organize my thoughts before we TTC again this fall.
BabyCenter is an extremely valuable resource for up-to-date information about this stuff, and long after my trials and tribulations are over, you might find that the ladies there have discovered even more relevant and current information to you.
Apparently, this genetic mutation can cause depression, miscarriage, addiction, etc. Kind of crazy. Another good source on this can be found here: http://ghr.nlm.nih.gov/gene/MTHFR
Apparently, this genetic mutation can cause depression, miscarriage, addiction, etc. Kind of crazy. Another good source on this can be found here: http://ghr.nlm.nih.gov/gene/MTHFR
I know we have discussed MTHFR before, so let's move along.
I have started taking the Wondfo ovulation test strips. We are now 24 days post miscarriage (3.5 weeks) and no sign of a period. Or even really of ovulation. This worries me, as it means I could still need a D&C, but we're hoping that is not the case. There's a chance I ovulated and missed it, or I am just slow, but that is why I am testing. Best case scenario, I start my period later this week. Worst case scenario, we are still two and a half weeks away from a period. I am also going to test today for pregnancy, and see if that is still triggering the BFP on the wondfo sticks. If I am still showing hCG, then I won't be ovulating, and then we'll just see what happens next week in my blood draw.
Here is what I am hearing:
1. Ovulation occurs 2-4 weeks after a miscarriage.
2. Your period begins 2 weeks after ovulation.
If my levels are still above 2, I won't be ovulating, and then no period, and then my body's hormones are all crazy and we need to figure something out with the OB.
*I know most of this blog is a trigger, and I need to put a warning, but here is a big trigger*
I am also tracking CM, because sometimes that helps me determine ovulation. Of course, I have been dry up until just last week. And what there is has been sticky, yellowish-tinted, almost globules. It is stretchy, but not creamy like lotion or runny like egg whites. I guess there is a possibility it is an infection, but I just don't think so. I think it's my body figuring out where it is in this process and pulling itself out of a nosedive of insane hormones.
I will report back tomorrow on the results of the preg. test, and see how that compares to the one I took last Monday. I am hoping we are in the clear. This waiting thing is starting to drive me a little crazy!
But on a brighter note, I went for a mile walk yesterday, and it felt really good. Tomorrow I will attempt GoldsFit, as my tattoo feels almost entirely healed. I will try it and see how far we get... no idea where my body is fit-wise, but I know it's worse than before.
Weight - I have officially gone OVER my pregnancy weight. I don't know what's happening with me, i guess it's the food. I need to get it under control, because I know I can't do a pregnancy this heavy. I need to lose about 30 lbs before I feel comfortable getting pregnant again. And that's a LOW END estimate. I am going to try NutriSystem starting on Sunday. I think having a set of meals will help. We will see. Definitely frustrated.
-Emily
Weight - I have officially gone OVER my pregnancy weight. I don't know what's happening with me, i guess it's the food. I need to get it under control, because I know I can't do a pregnancy this heavy. I need to lose about 30 lbs before I feel comfortable getting pregnant again. And that's a LOW END estimate. I am going to try NutriSystem starting on Sunday. I think having a set of meals will help. We will see. Definitely frustrated.
-Emily
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
Still Backsliding, but at Least Not in an OR
Got the call today--hCG levels are at 24.3 seventeen days post miscarriage.
According to my OB, this is good, normal, and we are still on track. The goal is ultimately 2, but apparently this is progress (and also why my home PT showed positive).
She has cleared me for all normal activities--swimming, Golds Fit, running, jumping, etc. I feel elated by that news. I am ready to hit the gym and give myself some kind of purpose again. I am all ready with my new Vera Bradley gym bag and umpteen Sparkle Skirts (you know, the skirts I threw myself into over the past 3 weeks as I awaited news in complete anxiety fashion).
I am ready to get back to my new normal. I don't want to lose who I've become. I really enjoyed the strength of grieving Emily. I want her back. I need to channel that energy, strength, and inner peace. I need to remember not to take crap from people around me. To keep saying no. And to do things that make me happy. To focus on me, my desires, my body, and my health.
Guess what, bitches, this new life? It's mine. I'm claiming it. No one else gets it. My husband gets a say, my family gets my time and love. But I am the final decider of what happens. What I say goes. And what I say is that I'm tired of being a stepping stone for others. I'm tired of being kicked around and jerked around and generally tossed aside. I am angry, yes. But not at you. Not at my friends. Not at anyone except me. I've spent 27 years playing supporting actress in my life. It's time to step into the spotlight. I am no longer standing by. I am doing what makes sense. I am taking charge. YES, I need to slow down a bit as I run to the edge of this self defining cliff and leap, but I'm still leaping. For better or worse, I'm diving head first into the unknown of the future.
I will apologize, but I will not ask permission anymore.
And yes, our friends had their baby last night. I cried when I saw it. I am sad. Dammit, I am SO sad. And empty. But there's no where to go but forward. Hand-in-hand with my husband. There's no looking or going back. There's only the next month, week, day, hour, minute, second, and breathing and leaning confidently into the people we want to become.
No surgery. Not yet. Time to start over.
-Emily
Que sera sera.
According to my OB, this is good, normal, and we are still on track. The goal is ultimately 2, but apparently this is progress (and also why my home PT showed positive).
She has cleared me for all normal activities--swimming, Golds Fit, running, jumping, etc. I feel elated by that news. I am ready to hit the gym and give myself some kind of purpose again. I am all ready with my new Vera Bradley gym bag and umpteen Sparkle Skirts (you know, the skirts I threw myself into over the past 3 weeks as I awaited news in complete anxiety fashion).
I am ready to get back to my new normal. I don't want to lose who I've become. I really enjoyed the strength of grieving Emily. I want her back. I need to channel that energy, strength, and inner peace. I need to remember not to take crap from people around me. To keep saying no. And to do things that make me happy. To focus on me, my desires, my body, and my health.
Guess what, bitches, this new life? It's mine. I'm claiming it. No one else gets it. My husband gets a say, my family gets my time and love. But I am the final decider of what happens. What I say goes. And what I say is that I'm tired of being a stepping stone for others. I'm tired of being kicked around and jerked around and generally tossed aside. I am angry, yes. But not at you. Not at my friends. Not at anyone except me. I've spent 27 years playing supporting actress in my life. It's time to step into the spotlight. I am no longer standing by. I am doing what makes sense. I am taking charge. YES, I need to slow down a bit as I run to the edge of this self defining cliff and leap, but I'm still leaping. For better or worse, I'm diving head first into the unknown of the future.
I will apologize, but I will not ask permission anymore.
And yes, our friends had their baby last night. I cried when I saw it. I am sad. Dammit, I am SO sad. And empty. But there's no where to go but forward. Hand-in-hand with my husband. There's no looking or going back. There's only the next month, week, day, hour, minute, second, and breathing and leaning confidently into the people we want to become.
No surgery. Not yet. Time to start over.
-Emily
Que sera sera.
Tuesday, August 18, 2015
Folate / Folic Acid / B Vitamins / Prenatals / MTHFR
I just realized I learned a new nugget of info that might be valuable for others. I was reading that people with genetic mutations on their MTHFR gene (holy cow, I am not a geneticist) are unable to process B vitamins and Folic Acid.
If you are taking or have taken prenatals, you know that Folic Acid is required to help baby develop successfully. But apparently it also might have something to do with healing/coping with an SCH. If you have the gene mutation, and cannot process the synthetic form of folic acid, then I read that it might help to try taking a prenatal with folate in the form of L-5-methyltetrahydrofolate. This natural form is able to be absorbed by your body, and can actually be processed.
I have ordered Thorne Research Basic OTC Prenatals and will start taking these and report back. I know it's unfounded theories and research, but I am willing to try anything that might help.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00O59SH3E?psc=1&redirect=true&ref_=oh_aui_detailpage_o00_s00
*** THIS INFORMATION IS NOT AT ALL REPRESENTED AS FACTUAL OR SCIENTIFIC, IT IS BASED ON RESEARCH I HAVE DONE MYSELF, AND I RECOMMEND YOU RESEARCH INFORMATION FOR YOURSELF BEFORE TRYING ANYTHING. I AM NOT A SCIENTIST, MEDICAL DOCTOR, OR HAVE ANY KNOWLEDGE OF THE MEDICAL FIELD. PLEASE DO NOT RELY ON MY RESEARCH. *****
If you are taking or have taken prenatals, you know that Folic Acid is required to help baby develop successfully. But apparently it also might have something to do with healing/coping with an SCH. If you have the gene mutation, and cannot process the synthetic form of folic acid, then I read that it might help to try taking a prenatal with folate in the form of L-5-methyltetrahydrofolate. This natural form is able to be absorbed by your body, and can actually be processed.
I have ordered Thorne Research Basic OTC Prenatals and will start taking these and report back. I know it's unfounded theories and research, but I am willing to try anything that might help.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00O59SH3E?psc=1&redirect=true&ref_=oh_aui_detailpage_o00_s00
*** THIS INFORMATION IS NOT AT ALL REPRESENTED AS FACTUAL OR SCIENTIFIC, IT IS BASED ON RESEARCH I HAVE DONE MYSELF, AND I RECOMMEND YOU RESEARCH INFORMATION FOR YOURSELF BEFORE TRYING ANYTHING. I AM NOT A SCIENTIST, MEDICAL DOCTOR, OR HAVE ANY KNOWLEDGE OF THE MEDICAL FIELD. PLEASE DO NOT RELY ON MY RESEARCH. *****
The week of the baby club, and how I am backsliding.
Our two closest couple friends are pregnant. My best friend is due Friday and my husband's best friend is due... right now. They are both having sons. Their sons would be the same ages apart from our angel baby as we are with our friends. We were going to have a built in baby group--our babies would have a group of boys to run wild with as they grew up.
There is no hope now of our children being anywhere near close in age. They'll reach those pivotal milestones long before our future baby will. And maybe we'll get pregnant again (I hope so, anyways) when they are on their second babies. I don't know.
But all of this happening this week, it just... makes my stomach clench up. And I feel sick. And sad. And angry. And empty. I feel like we'll never have a healthy baby. I can't imagine how those couples who lose two, three, four in a row and keep going. The strength they must have... I don't know how they endure the loss. I am feeling so discouraged right now. It doesn't help that my hCG levels are wonky, and I'm waiting on yet another call from my OB. For another possible week of surgery.
So, I sit here, staring at my phone, dreading/looking forward to the moment we get the calls. The squirmy, healthy, angry little boys that are on their ways to us. The first picture of the proud mother and father, holding their perfect babies and the year they've carried them successfully. And I do not begrudge them that. or their happiness. I am not bitter, and I am very happy for them. I still have mixed emotions about whether or not I want to see their babies right away. I just don't know what I'll feel. I am not normally an "emotional" woman, but I do think that might not be the best move to make right now.
Anyways, I know there is always hope where there is faith and love. But today, I just want to disappear and redo the past 6 months. I feel like a bad friend, but that's all there is to it. I'm just sad and feeling the loss today.
-Emily
There is no hope now of our children being anywhere near close in age. They'll reach those pivotal milestones long before our future baby will. And maybe we'll get pregnant again (I hope so, anyways) when they are on their second babies. I don't know.
But all of this happening this week, it just... makes my stomach clench up. And I feel sick. And sad. And angry. And empty. I feel like we'll never have a healthy baby. I can't imagine how those couples who lose two, three, four in a row and keep going. The strength they must have... I don't know how they endure the loss. I am feeling so discouraged right now. It doesn't help that my hCG levels are wonky, and I'm waiting on yet another call from my OB. For another possible week of surgery.
So, I sit here, staring at my phone, dreading/looking forward to the moment we get the calls. The squirmy, healthy, angry little boys that are on their ways to us. The first picture of the proud mother and father, holding their perfect babies and the year they've carried them successfully. And I do not begrudge them that. or their happiness. I am not bitter, and I am very happy for them. I still have mixed emotions about whether or not I want to see their babies right away. I just don't know what I'll feel. I am not normally an "emotional" woman, but I do think that might not be the best move to make right now.
Anyways, I know there is always hope where there is faith and love. But today, I just want to disappear and redo the past 6 months. I feel like a bad friend, but that's all there is to it. I'm just sad and feeling the loss today.
-Emily
Monday, August 17, 2015
Testing
Hopefully today is my last day of waiting with no news, because I am going in for a blood draw at lunch and tomorrow we'll see what my hCG levels are doing. If they are down to 2, I think I will be in the clear. If not, then I am guessing another Ultrasound and then heading towards the Operating Room.
That being said, this morning I took a home pregnancy test (it was left over from when we were ttc, don't worry, I did not buy any tests yet--that would be crazy). There was a faint positive. I need to do some research on the brand of test I used, but I'm pretty sure this means that there is SOME hCG left in my body, and probably higher than 2. I don't want my anxiety to get the best of me, and maybe blood is a more real-time indicator, but I'm afraid if a home test is showing hCG then my levels might not have gone back down.
Everything else feels like I'm getting back to normal physically. I feel great, and I think I am going to go do yoga this week and do some stretching before starting back up my running.
So yea, I will know for you tomorrow as far as what my levels are doing, and whether or not I will need a D&C. Stay tuned.
-Emily
That being said, this morning I took a home pregnancy test (it was left over from when we were ttc, don't worry, I did not buy any tests yet--that would be crazy). There was a faint positive. I need to do some research on the brand of test I used, but I'm pretty sure this means that there is SOME hCG left in my body, and probably higher than 2. I don't want my anxiety to get the best of me, and maybe blood is a more real-time indicator, but I'm afraid if a home test is showing hCG then my levels might not have gone back down.
Everything else feels like I'm getting back to normal physically. I feel great, and I think I am going to go do yoga this week and do some stretching before starting back up my running.
So yea, I will know for you tomorrow as far as what my levels are doing, and whether or not I will need a D&C. Stay tuned.
-Emily
Thursday, August 13, 2015
I want to be pregnant.
We didn't have the easiest pregnancy. There was a lot of scariness, pain, and fear. But, I've never wanted anything more in my life than to be pregnant again. I loved having my little bean with me all the time. I loved having a secret world inside me. I loved having that connection with my husband, and how such a tiny little embryo changed our entire world.
My husband and I were so happy. I felt ... important. Not in a self serving or self-fulfilling way. I felt like I was doing important work. Like my job was valued and doing it well was important.
And I don't want another pregnancy to replace our angel baby. Because I know that will never happen. He is gone, and he was our first baby. The next babies will be our second, third, fourth, etc. children. But. All that being said, I want to be pregnant.
I am praying we get back on "normalcy" this month, so we can try again this fall. And, God willing, no hematomas and a sticky baby. I want the ultrasounds. The blood draws. If it means a happy, healthy fetus, I want it back. I'd do it all over again.
I know there are plans before it can happen again... my uterus cleaning itself out, my body getting in better shape, we really should even find a nicer living arrangement. But, my body is ready. I am ready. And I cannot WAIT until we get the chance to try again. Because this is what I was designed for.
-Emily
My husband and I were so happy. I felt ... important. Not in a self serving or self-fulfilling way. I felt like I was doing important work. Like my job was valued and doing it well was important.
And I don't want another pregnancy to replace our angel baby. Because I know that will never happen. He is gone, and he was our first baby. The next babies will be our second, third, fourth, etc. children. But. All that being said, I want to be pregnant.
I am praying we get back on "normalcy" this month, so we can try again this fall. And, God willing, no hematomas and a sticky baby. I want the ultrasounds. The blood draws. If it means a happy, healthy fetus, I want it back. I'd do it all over again.
I know there are plans before it can happen again... my uterus cleaning itself out, my body getting in better shape, we really should even find a nicer living arrangement. But, my body is ready. I am ready. And I cannot WAIT until we get the chance to try again. Because this is what I was designed for.
-Emily
Tuesday, August 11, 2015
Hold, Please
I will not be going into an OR this week. My levels are decreasing and my OB thinks it blood, not tissue left.
I am worried this might be a pivotol point in the future where we go "we should have done the surgery..." but at the same time, there's risk involved in surgery. Especially D&C. that risk is very low, but given my odds lately, I just don't know.
Don't you wish you had a magical mirror that you could look into the future and make all the right decisions? I know that would be less fun and harder to learn lessons from, but when it comes to my infertility, I want to know what is right,.
Pray my OB is right, here. Debating if I need a second opinion... Just not sure.
hCG level: 85
-Emily
I am worried this might be a pivotol point in the future where we go "we should have done the surgery..." but at the same time, there's risk involved in surgery. Especially D&C. that risk is very low, but given my odds lately, I just don't know.
Don't you wish you had a magical mirror that you could look into the future and make all the right decisions? I know that would be less fun and harder to learn lessons from, but when it comes to my infertility, I want to know what is right,.
Pray my OB is right, here. Debating if I need a second opinion... Just not sure.
hCG level: 85
-Emily
Most of pregnancy is waiting
It is Tuesday, and we are 11 days away from 'that night'. The bleeding and cramping has officially stopped. However, my ultrasound on Saturday showed that my lining was still thick, and there were still... 'stuff' left in there. Whether its' blood or tissue, we aren't 100% sure.
Since my doctor is on the fence about a D&C, I had to have blood drawn again yesterday to test my hCG levels. If they have not gone down, that will be indicative of a problem. My OB mentioned that we might do a medicine that causes cramping/bleeding to try to get the remaining tissue out. But honestly, I would rather just do the surgery at this point. Medicine will put me another week away from "normal" and it might result in a surgery anyways. So.. I don't know. I don't WANT surgery, but I'd rather just know I'm cleaned out and ready to go.
I feel like it'd be a fresh start my uterus.... is that weird?
Also, it'd give the doctor a chance to look in there and see if there are any abnormalities. I know there probably aren't, but someone like me who worries, it would certainly be a relief of sorts.
Something interesting happened to me at the blood draw place yesterday. I mentioned to the hematologist that the E.R. had told me I had "really high blood counts". Which, I guess, means high platelets. The very first thing out of the hematologist's mouth was "that is what causes clotting". Alarm bells went off in my head. Someone totally alien to the situation said a key word based on knowledge I learned from our first big bleed.
I will definitely want to be tested again for any clotting issues. I am going to see if my OB wants to do that herself before we see the perinatologist. Fingers crossed she calls for those tests, because I'd really rather just work with her at first. But, we'll see. I'll do literally whatever it takes to try to prevent a hematoma ever happening again.
Something else interesting is happening. In my marriage. I am feeling so broken. Everything hurts. Everything is damaged. My womb is empty, and I was unable to carry a baby to term. I have this feeling of worthlessness. And I spent the whole night last night trying to convince my husband he needs a new wife. And I meant it. I feel like a dusty old uterus who can't perform her female duties. I am so angry at my body for failing me. And it's potential to do it again. I wish I could go back in time and start trying to get pregnant at age 22 with my husband. Instead of 27. So far, I'm seeing no advantage of waiting. More issues, more question marks, we still aren't financially wealthy. I just want my body to work, and the failure is causing so many issues for me.
I think that's another reason the surgery would help. A clean slate. Start over, and a pinpointed beginning when I can take back 'control' of my life (I realize we are not in control at all, but it makes me feel better to pretend right now).
So that's where we are at. I will post more once I hear back about surgery today.
-Emily
Friday, August 7, 2015
Levels Decreasing: hCG, Estrogen, Blood Count, Emotions
I had my blood tested yesterday for hCG levels and anemia. Dr. W called today to let me know my hCG levels are at 266, and the blood platelets are fine, no fear of anemia.
Tomorrow is a scheduled ultrasound to see if there is any tissue left in my uterus. If so, we will schedule a D&C for Thursday. If not, then we are good to go on to our next cycle.
Doc suggested she wants me on birth control if we do the D&C to help regulate my cycles and build up my estrogen. When we talk Monday after she's had a chance to review the ultrasound, I will find out if she wants me on it even if we don't do the surgery. I think my estrogen levels might be low, but I have no reason to think that except a hunch.
So, I will have more for this blog on Monday with another update about what is going to happen post miscarriage. I think I will take this weekend off from ruminating over this. It was my first morning with no tears. Slowly but surely, we are getting back to a somewhat normal level of life.
-Emily
"I will face everything and rise
Never gonna quit until I die
Angels keep falling from the sky
I'll take the broken wings and learn to fly
I will face everything and rise."
- "F.E.A.R." Papa Roach
Tomorrow is a scheduled ultrasound to see if there is any tissue left in my uterus. If so, we will schedule a D&C for Thursday. If not, then we are good to go on to our next cycle.
Doc suggested she wants me on birth control if we do the D&C to help regulate my cycles and build up my estrogen. When we talk Monday after she's had a chance to review the ultrasound, I will find out if she wants me on it even if we don't do the surgery. I think my estrogen levels might be low, but I have no reason to think that except a hunch.
So, I will have more for this blog on Monday with another update about what is going to happen post miscarriage. I think I will take this weekend off from ruminating over this. It was my first morning with no tears. Slowly but surely, we are getting back to a somewhat normal level of life.
-Emily
"I will face everything and rise
Never gonna quit until I die
Angels keep falling from the sky
I'll take the broken wings and learn to fly
I will face everything and rise."
- "F.E.A.R." Papa Roach
Thursday, August 6, 2015
Little Baby Feet
Soo.... I got my first tattoo last night. It is about 1"x1" and little baby blue baby feet. My husband drew them, and they are the size of a 14 week old fetus's feet.
It comforts me to know that my first baby will be with me always. He'll run races, travel the world, and be in my heart forever.
Some people asked if it would just make me sad. And it is sad, but it actually makes me happy to have him there. Just the memory. I feel comforted. I want to use this experience to be stronger. Get healthy, get in shape, get my uterus figured out.
-Emily
Tattoos hurt like a bitch, btw.
It comforts me to know that my first baby will be with me always. He'll run races, travel the world, and be in my heart forever.
Some people asked if it would just make me sad. And it is sad, but it actually makes me happy to have him there. Just the memory. I feel comforted. I want to use this experience to be stronger. Get healthy, get in shape, get my uterus figured out.
Little baby feet. :) <3
-Emily
Tattoos hurt like a bitch, btw.
Wednesday, August 5, 2015
Ultrasound Photos
Here you can see the crescent hematoma at 12 weeks. Baby was sucking his thumb.
Hematoma when it was first diagnosed.
One of the first images of baby. My sack is shaped very strangely... could it be fibroids? Could this have caused problems?
"Normal"
As the days pass, things have started to make me smile again, even if for a second. My husband's jokes can lift my mood, and looking to the future is starting to seem possible.
But in those moments of happiness, or lightheartedness, I am overcome with such guilt. I lost my baby not even a full week ago, and can feel happiness. I realize that this is one of the topics people around me don't know how to handle if they have not experienced it themselves, so life goes on as normal, but I am just not ready for "normal".
I am not ready to talk about my coworker's bad hair day, or my friend's weekend trip to the lake. I am not there yet. I need more time, and although I don't want to get stuck in this time in my life, and I DO want to move forward, I just feel like it's too soon.
The nurse from HeartPrints told me that I need to surround myself in a cocoon. Be honest with people. Tell them I'm not ready. Don't put myself in situations that are hard. Or if I am in that situation, leave. She told me to take care of myself. To treat myself in small doses, and as the hormones lessen and time passes, things will feel a little better.
I know it might be selfish, but I am allowing myself to grieve. I want to take as much time as I need to get through this. I have decided my next "Social Outing" will be a Halloween party thing in a local neighborhood with a bunch of women I don't know. No kids allowed. That is my goal for recovery. I know it's a while away, but I don't want to rush this.
I am not ready to forget him. I am not ready to forget what happened. I want to take time and cherish the new thoughts in my head. I want to understand how I'm feeling and address it. I want to cherish time with my sweet husband. I know that most of this post started with "I"... and I'm okay with that.
-Emily
Trying to be gentle with myself right now.
Missing the future my baby lost.
But in those moments of happiness, or lightheartedness, I am overcome with such guilt. I lost my baby not even a full week ago, and can feel happiness. I realize that this is one of the topics people around me don't know how to handle if they have not experienced it themselves, so life goes on as normal, but I am just not ready for "normal".
I am not ready to talk about my coworker's bad hair day, or my friend's weekend trip to the lake. I am not there yet. I need more time, and although I don't want to get stuck in this time in my life, and I DO want to move forward, I just feel like it's too soon.
The nurse from HeartPrints told me that I need to surround myself in a cocoon. Be honest with people. Tell them I'm not ready. Don't put myself in situations that are hard. Or if I am in that situation, leave. She told me to take care of myself. To treat myself in small doses, and as the hormones lessen and time passes, things will feel a little better.
I know it might be selfish, but I am allowing myself to grieve. I want to take as much time as I need to get through this. I have decided my next "Social Outing" will be a Halloween party thing in a local neighborhood with a bunch of women I don't know. No kids allowed. That is my goal for recovery. I know it's a while away, but I don't want to rush this.
I am not ready to forget him. I am not ready to forget what happened. I want to take time and cherish the new thoughts in my head. I want to understand how I'm feeling and address it. I want to cherish time with my sweet husband. I know that most of this post started with "I"... and I'm okay with that.
-Emily
Trying to be gentle with myself right now.
Missing the future my baby lost.
Genetics
I am not a nurse. Or a doctor. Or a medical practitioner of any sort. My expertise is in marketing, entertainment, and writing.
However, since starting this journey to understand why my body failed, I have realized that I am for quite a bit of testing before we try again. On BabyCenter, there is currently a poll questioning if anyone women have any common health issues that might link us all together with these hematomas.
So far, the only confirmed correlation I've found is a blood clotting disease. But what I keep hearing is a sense that autoimmune diseases can also cause the hematoma. Also, if there are any ... i don't want to to say abruptions, but abnormalities in the uterus. (Either from a prior pregnancy, fibroids, cysts, etc.)
So, when we had our first big bleed on July 10th, the ultrasound technician saw a fibroid in my uterus by the baby. He did not seem concerned, but checkmark on one commonality.
Wondering about my genetics, I have asked my mother to compile a list of her 'issues' she had (she also lost a baby in her 9th month....) Here is a list of complications she's had:
However, since starting this journey to understand why my body failed, I have realized that I am for quite a bit of testing before we try again. On BabyCenter, there is currently a poll questioning if anyone women have any common health issues that might link us all together with these hematomas.
So far, the only confirmed correlation I've found is a blood clotting disease. But what I keep hearing is a sense that autoimmune diseases can also cause the hematoma. Also, if there are any ... i don't want to to say abruptions, but abnormalities in the uterus. (Either from a prior pregnancy, fibroids, cysts, etc.)
So, when we had our first big bleed on July 10th, the ultrasound technician saw a fibroid in my uterus by the baby. He did not seem concerned, but checkmark on one commonality.
Wondering about my genetics, I have asked my mother to compile a list of her 'issues' she had (she also lost a baby in her 9th month....) Here is a list of complications she's had:
1979 College – erythema nodosum
1983 TMJ surgery – repaired cartilage in jaw
1985 Miscarriage – blighted ovum 12 weeks followed by
D&C; followed by pulmonary embolism [hospitalization, several months on
blood thinner]
1988 Healthy baby (ME!) born
1989 Baby boy stillborn ‘cord compression’ / cord damage or
clotting?? in 3rd trimester @ 9 months
1991, 1995 Superficial thrombophlebitis left leg, right leg
1993 Deep vein thrombosis left leg
2001 Human parvovirus – was tested for lupus, Lyme,
and probably some other things
2008 Dislocated /frozen shoulder – rotator cuff repair
2010 Deep vein thrombosis left leg, hospitalization and
finally, diagnosis of Leiden Factor V
2013 Type 2 Diabetes
I may be missing something but I think this covers the
relevant oddball things.
So. Now we have some more evidence of things to look for. She was also tested multiple times for Lupus, which I have seen mentioned on BabyCenter.
Prepare the gallons of water, because this October I am going to need lots of vials of blood drawn!
-Emily
Burial
The hospital where we went with the baby on that horrible night was a local hospital that is known by the name "Mercy". I have no other experience with this hospital, as every other medical emergency in my life has been handled through St. Lukes.
I am converted. Mercy has been... incredible.
Last night, a nurse by the name of Maggie called me from the hospital's "Heart Prints" program. It is a program that helps grieving parents of lost babies through the difficult time following the loss. She was incredible. She let me know that she will be handling the burial of our baby, how it will work, and where to find him.
My heart, though still full of sadness, is considerably lighter knowing that this angel on Earth will be the last person to hold my baby. She is so full of light, love and compassion, and she will take such good care of him. She told me that she will wrap him in his own blanket and described to me in-detail what to expect.
Some day, when I am able, I would love to give back to this organization. I need to do more research to figure out who/how/what it is. Because since July 31st, my heart has been uneasy. But now, knowing more about what happens next, and feeling the love of Maggie, I am feeling much better about things.
-Emily
Tuesday, August 4, 2015
High Risk OB / Periantologist
In the fight to control some of my surroundings (since I am losing control of my emotions on an hourly basis--which results in listening to the recorded baby heartbeat and sobbing uncontrollably) I decided to take control of my situation and book an appointment with a specialist/high risk ob/periantologist.
Our appointment is in October once my hormones settle down from this pregnancy. I am going to be compiling a list of tests that need to be done. It is is also important to know that my mother has Factor V Leiden. I was tested for Factor V 5 years ago, and tested negative. However, they did not test for any other clotting disorders. Apparently, my mother also had parvovirus. So if she had that before/during pregnancy with me, that is another possibility for SCH.
Current lists of tests I want done:
- Clotting disease
- Bleeding disease
- Parvovirus
- Lupus Anticoagulant
- Thyroid (was tested for this once, so I do not think I need it again, but it's on the list)
- Phospholipid
- Progesterone insufficiency
- HCG insufficiency
- Fibroids
Until then, I am planning on losing as much weight as possible (before this baby I was at 280 lbs... I know I know...) By 14 weeks I was holding steady at 296. By end of October, I need to be down to 275. That is the current goal. So my plan:
- Cross Fit
- Running (love running, had to stop with SCH)
- Yoga
- Aerobics
- Healthy diet
- Daily green shakes
- Vitamins: C, E, K
- Cinnamon
- Cayenne Pepper
- Wheat Grass
- PreNatals
- 1 tbls. Apple Cider Vinegar / day
I have downloaded the app "Habits" that helps me keep track of when to take things and when I planned on exercising. It will remind me when I forgot something or skipped something. Of course, I can not start exercising until cleared at the next ultrasound by my current doctor, but once I am done bleeding and feeling better, back to the gym.
-Emily
"Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand."
-Proverbs 19:21
Our appointment is in October once my hormones settle down from this pregnancy. I am going to be compiling a list of tests that need to be done. It is is also important to know that my mother has Factor V Leiden. I was tested for Factor V 5 years ago, and tested negative. However, they did not test for any other clotting disorders. Apparently, my mother also had parvovirus. So if she had that before/during pregnancy with me, that is another possibility for SCH.
Current lists of tests I want done:
- Clotting disease
- Bleeding disease
- Parvovirus
- Lupus Anticoagulant
- Thyroid (was tested for this once, so I do not think I need it again, but it's on the list)
- Phospholipid
- Progesterone insufficiency
- HCG insufficiency
- Fibroids
Until then, I am planning on losing as much weight as possible (before this baby I was at 280 lbs... I know I know...) By 14 weeks I was holding steady at 296. By end of October, I need to be down to 275. That is the current goal. So my plan:
- Cross Fit
- Running (love running, had to stop with SCH)
- Yoga
- Aerobics
- Healthy diet
- Daily green shakes
- Vitamins: C, E, K
- Cinnamon
- Cayenne Pepper
- Wheat Grass
- PreNatals
- 1 tbls. Apple Cider Vinegar / day
I have downloaded the app "Habits" that helps me keep track of when to take things and when I planned on exercising. It will remind me when I forgot something or skipped something. Of course, I can not start exercising until cleared at the next ultrasound by my current doctor, but once I am done bleeding and feeling better, back to the gym.
-Emily
"Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand."
-Proverbs 19:21
Research
I will compile a list of websites I have used to research what I've learned so far. As well as a list of good support groups if you are experiencing an SCH.
Today's keywords that need more investigation:
-LHTMF5
-Hysteroscopy (they found fibroids in my uterus at the Maternity Triage)
-Dydrogesterone
-MTHFR
Things to be tested for:
-Thyroid
-Lupus anticoagulant
-Phospholipid
-Parvovirus
-Celiacs
More coming.
-Emily
"Once you are real, you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always."
-The Velveteen Rabbit
Today's keywords that need more investigation:
-LHTMF5
-Hysteroscopy (they found fibroids in my uterus at the Maternity Triage)
-Dydrogesterone
-MTHFR
Things to be tested for:
-Thyroid
-Lupus anticoagulant
-Phospholipid
-Parvovirus
-Celiacs
More coming.
-Emily
"Once you are real, you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always."
-The Velveteen Rabbit
WIP - The day we started to miscarry.
The Tuesday Before the Loss, my notes:
I’m at thirteen weeks and four days. The spotting brown
hasn’t stopped since our “big bleed” on July 10. Some days it’s lighter than
others. Occasionally, it’s heavier if I have a full stomach or if I ate too
much. The goal is to get to 20 weeks, when the baby can grow big enough to put
some pressure on the clot and help break it up.
I was diagnosed with a Subchorionic Hematoma (SCH) at seven
weeks when I was experiencing pain near my left hip and off and on spotting the
prior two weeks of my pregnancy. My original OB (referred to me by a friend)
did not have time to see me and do an ultrasound. They told me to go to the
Triage center if the bleeding got worse. I quickly found myself a new OB who
brought me and did an in-office Ultrasound for me. Dr. W might have
saved our pregnancy.
She graciously did an ultrasound for a very panicky me, and found
the hematoma. Subchorionic hematomas, or
hemorrhages, are very common in pregnancy. Although it doesn’t appear that
there are many studies on them, they appear to not be at all standard, despite
their commonality. The size, location, shape, and type of bleed can all affect
the pregnancy in different ways. Our hematoma was on the right side of the sac,
just below the placenta. It is crescent-shaped and started out as a thin line
(it reminded me of the Cheshire Cat’s grin). But, the baby had a heartbeat, and
looked like a gummy bear. I was so relieved to see the baby that nothing else
mattered at that point.
After the ultrasound, Dr. W told me, in more eloquent
terms than I am using now, that we’ll “just see what happens.” She sent me home
with prenatals, delivery options (which she recommended I wait to read until we
get further along in the pregnancy), and instructions to get my blood drawn at
the local Path Group.
I went straight to the lab to get that taken care of,
despite extreme fear of blood, and waited. The following Monday, Dr. W called me with very worrying news—my HCG levels were below average, and I was
on the low to unsustainable levels of progesterone. She quickly prescribed a
supplement that I was to take that evening. [Although progesterone does nothing
once the placenta takes over, I am dutifully taking my pill every night. Please
remember that I am extremely anxious. Just getting off of Prozac when we saw
our BFP.]
About a month went by and everything seemed alright. The
wonky pain by my hip would come and go, but I am still not sure if that is not
just an unhealed horseback riding accident.
As we progressed, the clot grew wider, but not longer, from
what I can tell. I have yet to be given any measurements by the OB (probably to
not freak out an already anxiety-laden mom-to-be.) On Sunday, July 26, I
started feeling… off. Hot, flushed, and I had lost my appetite completely. I stayed
in bed all day except to make myself dinner. I assumed it was the bed rest
making me feel the touch of cabin fever. But on Monday, I didn’t feel much
better. I took my daily nap on my lunch break at work, and went to class after
work to turn in a final. By the time I got home, I was not hungry, very tired,
and felt like a bleed was coming on. My uterus felt a little sore, like I had
overdone it that day.
The next morning, I woke up and was having serious cramping.
When I went to the bathroom I had a gush of dark brown blood. It felt similar
to my ‘big bleed’ but less volume, and it was definitely brown bleeding. I
started panicking a little, which caused me to get shaky and a little nauseous.
The bleeding continued throughout the morning and I was slowly filling up
overnight pads with 100% brown blood. The forums all say this is good, but it
didn’t feel good, because I was also cramping.
We checked the baby’s heartbeat on the Doppler, and I went
to work. Having cleared my schedule, I sat with my feet up and listened to
music while getting through my daily routine. It’s very hard to concentrate
when you are going through this, but I do think having something to keep your mind busy helps. By this point, the cramps
were like waves rolling over my body. Similar to a period cramp, but less
painful.
I was a little worried these were labor cramps, but until I
saw red blood, I wasn’t going to panic. The ER explicitly told me that if I was
filling overnight pads more than one an hour for an extended period of time to
come in. But if it was slower than that, I should be okay. Also, last time I
was not hemorrhaging, it was from the hematoma. I have a known cause of
bleeding, and brown blood is reportedly okay.
I just wish I knew
what was going on inside my body. Like I mentioned earlier, this is all very
specific and relative to each individual pregnancy, so you can kind of get a
sense of what is happening, but nothing is confirmed. Around 9 AM I needed to
use the restroom. I hadn’t had a decent bowel movement in two days, so I
wondered if the cramps were related to that. It seemed to help slightly—the
bloated feeling I had been walking around with decreased slightly. But the
cramps were still there. It felt slightly like a giant vice was gripping my
hips and either pulling or pushing them apart. As the pain in my hips
decreased, it moved up my body and felt like a muscle spasm.
Around 2pm (same time as the bleed on July 10th)
I stood up to refill my water and blood was gushing down my legs. I had filled
an overnight pad in a matter of seconds. I had to strip down at work and try to
dry myself off as best as possible. I guess the key here is to keep an extra
pair of pants and underwear at my desk at all times if this is going to be a
regular occurrence.
I decided to stay at work and see if I could curb the
bleeding by sitting back at my desk with my feet propped up. Although it isn’t
stopping, there have been no giant gushes like the first time. That is not to
say there won’t be, just that it hasn’t happened yet. Currently, I am filling
about one pad every hour and a half, which is just below what the baby Triage
center said to come in for. I know once I get home and lay down this will
improve. Oddly, my stomach almost feels better. The uterus is … tight? Or sore.
Almost like it just ran a marathon. But the weird cramping is gone. I just feel
fatigued and thirsty. Thank God for family. My mother is picking me up in 40
minutes and will take care of me tonight. My husband is off tomorrow and more of the
same. It is at this point in life that I am so grateful we did not try to do
this overseas. . .
My Story - An Overview
My name is Emily, and I found out I was pregnant in May of 2015. My husband and I were overwhelmed... with excitement, joy, anxiety, nervousness, love. Every emotion you can imagine, we were feeling it.
From the beginning, things felt off for me. I can't explain it. I had never been pregnant before, so I had nothing to go on. But I was never sick, and I had a nagging pain in my lower pelvis by my hip. Around week 7 I started spotting. Pink and light brown. There was no real trigger. Post intercourse, walking a mile, doing nothing -- it all led to spotting.
My initial OB was at a very overworked office, and they were unable to make time to see me, despite my concerns. Between the pain and bleeding, I knew that I needed to find someone who was able to see me. Who knows, maybe if I had not interfered that early our baby would never have made it as far as he did. It might be a mixed blessing.
After lying awake at night searching local OBs who would take new patients, I found the incredible Dr. W. She made time to see me, and on my first visit even did an ultrasound for me. (Unheard of, but she could tell I was panicky.) Prior in the year, I had started taking Prozac for anxiety attacks. I started a new job - my DREAM job - and was under a lot of stress to perform. Once we found out about the baby, I came off of Prozac. So I was already a little bit of an emotional wreck. Dr. W took me in for the scan and that was when my world changed even more than just being pregnant. She found a subchorionic hematoma.
The SCH was crescent-shaped and cradled the left side of my sack. (Interestingly, it is on the side where my hip/groin had been hurting* asterisks will mark questions I have for future pregnancies.) The baby was BEAUTIFUL. Our little gummy bear. His heart was pumping along perfect for his size. I fell in love.
With the advent of new technology, we are able to 'meet' our babies much sooner than we used to. There are pros and cons to this miracle. One con being that we fall in love that much faster with our unborn children. And in love I was. I took my little blip's photograph home and never let it out of my sight. The love shrouded my doctor's warning. She had handed me the delivery packet information with the advice "Maybe hold off on reading that until we get further along in the pregnancy." Okay, whatever, my sticky bean, as we had dubbed him, was perfect. The hematoma was a question mark, but I never truly let the concern sink in. How could a life so thriving be snuffed out by a little blood clot?
I realize now, that at this point I had been set spinning like a dreidel. Slowly, unknowingly at first, but the initial inertia was put to my physical being, and seven weeks later, when my world came crashing down, that dreidel was spinning at full speed.
Dr. W sent me to the phlebotomist that day to get blood drawn. She wanted to check my HCG and Progesterone levels. The following Monday, I got a call from a very concerned Dr. W. I can remember the call clearly:
"Hi Emily, I have some bad news. Your HCG levels are not raising like they should, and your progesterone is way too low. You need to go get a supplement for progesterone, I've put in the request at your pharmacy."
But, the baby grew. We had harmony testing done. He was a boy. No chromosomal abnormalities. I swear I felt him squirming around--he was so active! Around week 13, we entered our second trimester and a feeling of relief washed over us. We made it past the odds. Now the baby was growing big enough to squish that nasty blood clot, and save himself. 1% of miscarriages happen in the second trimester. We felt so safe, we even made the big family and Facebook announcement. 209 people liked the status. My husband and I have been married for three years, and together for nine. People were overjoyed for us. My mom even started getting little rubber ducky/ponies for the baby.
A week later, the spinning dreidel had reached it's max speed and started to rock as it slowed. I had a big bleed at work. The largest bleed I'd ever had throughout the fourteen weeks. I went home and scheduled an appointment with my OB for the next day. (Since this was not my first bleed, I knew what we needed to do and when we should go to the ER. But things slowed down and it was alright.) The next day, I started feeling that icky, bloated feeling that comes with a big bleed. I called in to work, unable to walk to the car without crying in pain.
We saw Dr. W and the baby looked healthy. But the bleed had changed. The original hematoma shrunk dramatically. It looked like it had bled out. But since the SCH was on the top of the baby, it was bleeding around the side. A new pocked formed, and we could see it filling between the baby and the uterus. Our son looked irritated, as much as a 14 week old fetus can look irritated. But his heart was thumping away, so we went home and rested.
The next day, I started cramping. Twisting, grinding, painful cramping with ten minutes in between each one. I know now that was labor contractions. Dr. W prescribed Tylenol and icing my lower abdomen. It helped, but the pain was getting severe (oddly, not as bad as some of my worst periods... I must have VERY bad periods!) That night, I told my husband that I felt like I was dying. I doubled my Tylenol intake and tried to sleep. Only to be awaked at midnight with the need to make a bowel movement. After ten minutes of trying, I gave up and laid back down. As soon as my head hit the pillow a big gush started. Something inside of me knew this was it. My husband was asleep, and I delivered our son by myself at midnight. There was a full, blue moon.
My baby was perfect. He was dead. But he was perfect. I will never forget or forgive myself for feeling the fear I had when I felt him coming. I was such a pansy. I will never, ever, ever forgive myself for not treating him with the respect I should have. I let my fear get a hold of me, and that will never happen again.
The dreidel stopped spinning and fell. My world crashed around me. But the shock kept me from realizing what was happening. We went to the ER. I delivered the remainder of my placenta, and they gave me morphine and zofran for the cramping and nausea (the nausea was mental, not physical).
It seems surreal. That night. If you told me we never went to the hospital, our dead baby in a towel on my lap, I would believe you. But it happened. And that changed me to my very core.
At first, the relief was so great from the pain, and the shock/endorphines kept me from the horror of what happened. But, as anyone who has experienced loss knows, that fades and the grief sets in. It takes hold of you at the root of your heart, and it will never, ever leave. It might come and go in waves, or it might lessen, but the grief of losing a child is a forever thing. He is a part of me forever.
The dreidel has fallen, and now I have seen that there is a new woman in me. I am changed forever. And part of this change is a desire to never, ever, ever sit by idly while this happens again. I want to work hard to find a way to keep this from happening to me, or to anyone. No one deserves this kind of pain. Needless, cruel, pain.
We will try to conceive again. And this blog is where I will keep track of our story. If you are still reading after this, then please, I beg you, share your story with me. There is a community of us who have lost the battle to SCH, and I think a part of my grieving process is 'research'. Because I want to know everything I can about this killer before we try again. Join me in this journey.
-Emily
Tired of feeling lost, tired of letting go.
Tear the whole world down, tear the whole world down.
Failure.
Drive the cloud away,
We will fall from last to none.
The dark before the dawn,
The world will carry on.
Look for the light that leads me home.
"Failure" - Breaking Benjamin
From the beginning, things felt off for me. I can't explain it. I had never been pregnant before, so I had nothing to go on. But I was never sick, and I had a nagging pain in my lower pelvis by my hip. Around week 7 I started spotting. Pink and light brown. There was no real trigger. Post intercourse, walking a mile, doing nothing -- it all led to spotting.
My initial OB was at a very overworked office, and they were unable to make time to see me, despite my concerns. Between the pain and bleeding, I knew that I needed to find someone who was able to see me. Who knows, maybe if I had not interfered that early our baby would never have made it as far as he did. It might be a mixed blessing.
After lying awake at night searching local OBs who would take new patients, I found the incredible Dr. W. She made time to see me, and on my first visit even did an ultrasound for me. (Unheard of, but she could tell I was panicky.) Prior in the year, I had started taking Prozac for anxiety attacks. I started a new job - my DREAM job - and was under a lot of stress to perform. Once we found out about the baby, I came off of Prozac. So I was already a little bit of an emotional wreck. Dr. W took me in for the scan and that was when my world changed even more than just being pregnant. She found a subchorionic hematoma.
The SCH was crescent-shaped and cradled the left side of my sack. (Interestingly, it is on the side where my hip/groin had been hurting* asterisks will mark questions I have for future pregnancies.) The baby was BEAUTIFUL. Our little gummy bear. His heart was pumping along perfect for his size. I fell in love.
With the advent of new technology, we are able to 'meet' our babies much sooner than we used to. There are pros and cons to this miracle. One con being that we fall in love that much faster with our unborn children. And in love I was. I took my little blip's photograph home and never let it out of my sight. The love shrouded my doctor's warning. She had handed me the delivery packet information with the advice "Maybe hold off on reading that until we get further along in the pregnancy." Okay, whatever, my sticky bean, as we had dubbed him, was perfect. The hematoma was a question mark, but I never truly let the concern sink in. How could a life so thriving be snuffed out by a little blood clot?
I realize now, that at this point I had been set spinning like a dreidel. Slowly, unknowingly at first, but the initial inertia was put to my physical being, and seven weeks later, when my world came crashing down, that dreidel was spinning at full speed.
Dr. W sent me to the phlebotomist that day to get blood drawn. She wanted to check my HCG and Progesterone levels. The following Monday, I got a call from a very concerned Dr. W. I can remember the call clearly:
"Hi Emily, I have some bad news. Your HCG levels are not raising like they should, and your progesterone is way too low. You need to go get a supplement for progesterone, I've put in the request at your pharmacy."
But, the baby grew. We had harmony testing done. He was a boy. No chromosomal abnormalities. I swear I felt him squirming around--he was so active! Around week 13, we entered our second trimester and a feeling of relief washed over us. We made it past the odds. Now the baby was growing big enough to squish that nasty blood clot, and save himself. 1% of miscarriages happen in the second trimester. We felt so safe, we even made the big family and Facebook announcement. 209 people liked the status. My husband and I have been married for three years, and together for nine. People were overjoyed for us. My mom even started getting little rubber ducky/ponies for the baby.
A week later, the spinning dreidel had reached it's max speed and started to rock as it slowed. I had a big bleed at work. The largest bleed I'd ever had throughout the fourteen weeks. I went home and scheduled an appointment with my OB for the next day. (Since this was not my first bleed, I knew what we needed to do and when we should go to the ER. But things slowed down and it was alright.) The next day, I started feeling that icky, bloated feeling that comes with a big bleed. I called in to work, unable to walk to the car without crying in pain.
We saw Dr. W and the baby looked healthy. But the bleed had changed. The original hematoma shrunk dramatically. It looked like it had bled out. But since the SCH was on the top of the baby, it was bleeding around the side. A new pocked formed, and we could see it filling between the baby and the uterus. Our son looked irritated, as much as a 14 week old fetus can look irritated. But his heart was thumping away, so we went home and rested.
The next day, I started cramping. Twisting, grinding, painful cramping with ten minutes in between each one. I know now that was labor contractions. Dr. W prescribed Tylenol and icing my lower abdomen. It helped, but the pain was getting severe (oddly, not as bad as some of my worst periods... I must have VERY bad periods!) That night, I told my husband that I felt like I was dying. I doubled my Tylenol intake and tried to sleep. Only to be awaked at midnight with the need to make a bowel movement. After ten minutes of trying, I gave up and laid back down. As soon as my head hit the pillow a big gush started. Something inside of me knew this was it. My husband was asleep, and I delivered our son by myself at midnight. There was a full, blue moon.
My baby was perfect. He was dead. But he was perfect. I will never forget or forgive myself for feeling the fear I had when I felt him coming. I was such a pansy. I will never, ever, ever forgive myself for not treating him with the respect I should have. I let my fear get a hold of me, and that will never happen again.
The dreidel stopped spinning and fell. My world crashed around me. But the shock kept me from realizing what was happening. We went to the ER. I delivered the remainder of my placenta, and they gave me morphine and zofran for the cramping and nausea (the nausea was mental, not physical).
It seems surreal. That night. If you told me we never went to the hospital, our dead baby in a towel on my lap, I would believe you. But it happened. And that changed me to my very core.
At first, the relief was so great from the pain, and the shock/endorphines kept me from the horror of what happened. But, as anyone who has experienced loss knows, that fades and the grief sets in. It takes hold of you at the root of your heart, and it will never, ever leave. It might come and go in waves, or it might lessen, but the grief of losing a child is a forever thing. He is a part of me forever.
The dreidel has fallen, and now I have seen that there is a new woman in me. I am changed forever. And part of this change is a desire to never, ever, ever sit by idly while this happens again. I want to work hard to find a way to keep this from happening to me, or to anyone. No one deserves this kind of pain. Needless, cruel, pain.
We will try to conceive again. And this blog is where I will keep track of our story. If you are still reading after this, then please, I beg you, share your story with me. There is a community of us who have lost the battle to SCH, and I think a part of my grieving process is 'research'. Because I want to know everything I can about this killer before we try again. Join me in this journey.
-Emily
Tired of feeling lost, tired of letting go.
Tear the whole world down, tear the whole world down.
Failure.
Drive the cloud away,
We will fall from last to none.
The dark before the dawn,
The world will carry on.
Look for the light that leads me home.
"Failure" - Breaking Benjamin
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