"should"

Go through a crisis ... of any sort ... and I think you will discover something that humans tend to do after their friends/family go through a crisis.

They tell you what you should do.

"Should" 

Emily, you should...
...get out with friends.
...go outside and get some fresh air.
...come visit me.
...read this book.
...get over it, there will be more babies. 
...spend some time with your family.
...come over for a game night.
...find something to fill the time, like a new hobby.
...go ride a horse, it will make you feel better.
...treat yourself well while you're healing. 

Look, I know you are trying to support me. And you truly do believe what you're telling me will help. I understand that it is a human nature to want to help and coddle and get sad people to stop being sad. (It's very uncomfortable to be around sad people.) 

But you are wrong. All of you. I love you, and yes, THANK YOU for being there for me, but here is some advice to you all: 

If you have, or have not, gone through what I just went through, you will never be able to completely understand how I am feeling. There are no two people or circumstances that are exactly alike. And what worked for you may not work for me, and you thinking that you know what will heal me is not your place to tell me about. I will do exactly what I think I should be doing. 

If you want to be there for me, to talk, to visit, to get dinner, to text silly pictures, or talk about fall fashion, then be there for that. You can even gently nudge me to try to get out if you are seeing me decline. But you  have no weight in your opinion when you tell me what I should or should not do. 

I was guilty of this, too. Now I know. The only thing people experiencing a life change want to hear is "I love you, I'm so sorry you are experiencing this, I will be there for you if you need anything." That's it. It's that simple. Just repeat those words and whoever is suffering will be so grateful... But then again, what do I know? I don't know what every grieving person is feeling. So do whatever you want. But when it comes to me, please please please stop telling me what I should be doing. 

(I am not mad at you, btw, I am just triggered by that word right now.) 

I also heard a really interesting motivational speech from a beautiful woman I follow for my weight loss journey. She lost over 100lbs and goes by the name Erica Fit Love. She said that sometimes you outgrow situations and people. And once you realize that your life needs to grow without those people, then you should not feel guilt as you move away from them/the situation. And she also mentioned you need to be able to let go of people who outgrow you. 

This experience has helped me grow, but growing pains are sometimes uncomfortable, and I have outgrown some situations. I am understanding better how those people/relationships make me feel, and I can now say NO to them. It's still hard, and sometimes I want to crawl back into my safety "love everyone, and everyone will love you -- false -- shell". But that is bad thinking, and I am growing. So, what I should  be doing is what I'm doing already. Working out, loving my husband, talking to people who make me feel better/normal and slowly dipping my toe back into the real world of socializing. 

-Emily 

MTHFR explained

While carousing the BabyCenter "Subchorionic Hematoma Support Group" forums, I stumbled upon an incredible conversation about the MTHFR genetic mutation.

According to the poster, sometimes people with SCH find out later they have a genetic mutation on the MTHFR gene, which causes a lot of different problems (more research below). One of the side affects is that folic acid in the synthetic form--what is in most prenatals--cannot be processed by our bodies. Here is her quote:

"My friend was taking a prenatal made with folate. Some people, most people who develop and SCH later find out they have a genetic annomonly called MTHFR with 1 or multiple variants. Missing this enzyme the body cannot utilize folic acid and only a small percentage of folate found naturally in vegetable and food. Folic acid is man made and people with this annomonly cannot utilize it at all. The methyl version is already preconverted with the enzyme so the body uses it right away. No need to try and break it down." Babyjoy427

http://community.babycenter.com/post/a57019279/?cpg=2#c2505863098 

This is NOT scientific information that you should rely on--please do your own research before taking any supplements and talk to your care provider. I am not a medical professional in any way, and this is just my place to organize my thoughts before we TTC again this fall. 

BabyCenter is an extremely valuable resource for up-to-date information about this stuff, and long after my trials and tribulations are over, you might find that the ladies there have discovered even more relevant and current information to you. 

Apparently, this genetic mutation can cause depression, miscarriage, addiction, etc. Kind of crazy. Another good source on this can be found here: http://ghr.nlm.nih.gov/gene/MTHFR 

I know we have discussed MTHFR before, so let's move along. 

I have started taking the Wondfo ovulation test strips. We are now 24 days post miscarriage (3.5 weeks) and no sign of a period. Or even really of ovulation. This worries me, as it means I could still need a D&C, but we're hoping that is not the case. There's a chance I ovulated and missed it, or I am just slow, but that is why I am testing. Best case scenario, I start my period later this week. Worst case scenario, we are still two and a half weeks away from a period. I am also going to test today for pregnancy, and see if that is still triggering the BFP on the wondfo sticks. If I am still showing hCG, then  I won't be ovulating, and then we'll just see what happens next week in my blood draw. 

Here is what I am hearing: 

1. Ovulation occurs 2-4 weeks after a miscarriage. 

2. Your period begins 2 weeks after ovulation. 

If my levels are still above 2, I won't be ovulating, and then no period, and then my body's hormones are all crazy and we need to figure something out with the OB. 

*I know most of this blog is a trigger, and I need to put a warning, but here is a big trigger* 

I am also tracking CM, because sometimes that helps me determine ovulation. Of course, I have been dry up until just last week. And what there is has been sticky, yellowish-tinted, almost globules. It is stretchy, but not creamy like lotion or runny like egg whites. I guess there is a possibility it is an infection, but I just don't think so. I think it's my body figuring out where it is in this process and pulling itself out of a nosedive of insane hormones. 

I will report back tomorrow on the results of the preg. test, and see how that compares to the one I took last Monday. I am hoping we are in the clear. This waiting thing is starting to drive me a little crazy! 

But on a brighter note, I went for a mile walk yesterday, and it felt really good. Tomorrow I will attempt GoldsFit, as my tattoo feels almost entirely healed. I will try it and see how far we get... no idea where my body is fit-wise, but I know it's worse than before. 

Weight - I have officially gone OVER my pregnancy weight. I don't know what's happening with me, i guess it's the food. I need to get it under control, because I know I can't do a pregnancy this heavy. I need to lose about 30 lbs before I feel comfortable getting pregnant again. And that's a LOW END estimate. I am going to try NutriSystem starting on Sunday. I think having a set of meals will help. We will see. Definitely frustrated. 

-Emily