I want to be pregnant.

We didn't have the easiest pregnancy. There was a lot of scariness, pain, and fear. But, I've never wanted anything more in my life than to be pregnant again. I loved having my little bean with me all the time. I loved having a secret world inside me. I loved having that connection with my husband, and how such a tiny little embryo changed our entire world. 

My husband and I were so happy. I felt ... important. Not in a self serving or self-fulfilling way. I felt like I was doing important work. Like my job was valued and doing it well was important. 

And I don't want another pregnancy to replace our angel baby. Because I know that will never happen. He is gone, and he was our first baby. The next babies will be our second, third, fourth, etc. children. But. All that being said, I want to be pregnant. 

I am praying we get back on "normalcy" this month, so we can try again this fall. And, God willing, no hematomas and a sticky baby. I want the ultrasounds. The blood draws. If it means a happy, healthy fetus, I want it back. I'd do it all over again. 

I know there are plans before it can happen again... my uterus cleaning itself out, my body getting in better shape, we really should even find a nicer living arrangement. But, my body is ready. I am ready. And I cannot WAIT until we get the chance to try again. Because this is what I was designed for. 

-Emily