"should"

Go through a crisis ... of any sort ... and I think you will discover something that humans tend to do after their friends/family go through a crisis.

They tell you what you should do.

"Should" 

Emily, you should...
...get out with friends.
...go outside and get some fresh air.
...come visit me.
...read this book.
...get over it, there will be more babies. 
...spend some time with your family.
...come over for a game night.
...find something to fill the time, like a new hobby.
...go ride a horse, it will make you feel better.
...treat yourself well while you're healing. 

Look, I know you are trying to support me. And you truly do believe what you're telling me will help. I understand that it is a human nature to want to help and coddle and get sad people to stop being sad. (It's very uncomfortable to be around sad people.) 

But you are wrong. All of you. I love you, and yes, THANK YOU for being there for me, but here is some advice to you all: 

If you have, or have not, gone through what I just went through, you will never be able to completely understand how I am feeling. There are no two people or circumstances that are exactly alike. And what worked for you may not work for me, and you thinking that you know what will heal me is not your place to tell me about. I will do exactly what I think I should be doing. 

If you want to be there for me, to talk, to visit, to get dinner, to text silly pictures, or talk about fall fashion, then be there for that. You can even gently nudge me to try to get out if you are seeing me decline. But you  have no weight in your opinion when you tell me what I should or should not do. 

I was guilty of this, too. Now I know. The only thing people experiencing a life change want to hear is "I love you, I'm so sorry you are experiencing this, I will be there for you if you need anything." That's it. It's that simple. Just repeat those words and whoever is suffering will be so grateful... But then again, what do I know? I don't know what every grieving person is feeling. So do whatever you want. But when it comes to me, please please please stop telling me what I should be doing. 

(I am not mad at you, btw, I am just triggered by that word right now.) 

I also heard a really interesting motivational speech from a beautiful woman I follow for my weight loss journey. She lost over 100lbs and goes by the name Erica Fit Love. She said that sometimes you outgrow situations and people. And once you realize that your life needs to grow without those people, then you should not feel guilt as you move away from them/the situation. And she also mentioned you need to be able to let go of people who outgrow you. 

This experience has helped me grow, but growing pains are sometimes uncomfortable, and I have outgrown some situations. I am understanding better how those people/relationships make me feel, and I can now say NO to them. It's still hard, and sometimes I want to crawl back into my safety "love everyone, and everyone will love you -- false -- shell". But that is bad thinking, and I am growing. So, what I should  be doing is what I'm doing already. Working out, loving my husband, talking to people who make me feel better/normal and slowly dipping my toe back into the real world of socializing. 

-Emily