"Normal"

As the days pass, things have started to make me smile again, even if for a second. My husband's jokes can lift my mood, and looking to the future is starting to seem possible.

But in those moments of happiness, or lightheartedness, I am overcome with such guilt. I lost my baby not even a full week ago, and can feel happiness. I realize that this is one of the topics people around me don't know how to handle if they have not experienced it themselves, so life goes on as normal, but I am just not ready for "normal". 

I am not ready to talk about my coworker's bad hair day, or my friend's weekend trip to the lake. I am not there yet. I need more time, and although I don't want to get stuck in this time in my life, and I DO want to move forward, I just feel like it's too soon.

The nurse from HeartPrints told me that I need to surround myself in a cocoon. Be honest with people. Tell them I'm not ready. Don't put myself in situations that are hard. Or if I am in that situation, leave. She told me to take care of myself. To treat myself in small doses, and as the hormones lessen and time passes,  things will feel a little better. 

I know it might be selfish, but I am allowing myself to grieve. I want to take as much time as I need to get through this. I have decided my next "Social Outing" will be a Halloween party thing in a local neighborhood with a bunch of women I don't know. No kids allowed. That is my goal for recovery. I know it's a while away, but I don't want to rush this.

I am not ready to forget him. I am not ready to forget what happened. I want to take time and cherish the new thoughts in my head. I want to understand how I'm feeling and address it. I want to cherish time with my sweet husband. I know that most of this post started with "I"... and I'm okay with that. 

-Emily
Trying to be gentle with myself right now. 
Missing the future my baby lost.