Our two closest couple friends are pregnant. My best friend is due Friday and my husband's best friend is due... right now. They are both having sons. Their sons would be the same ages apart from our angel baby as we are with our friends. We were going to have a built in baby group--our babies would have a group of boys to run wild with as they grew up.
There is no hope now of our children being anywhere near close in age. They'll reach those pivotal milestones long before our future baby will. And maybe we'll get pregnant again (I hope so, anyways) when they are on their second babies. I don't know.
But all of this happening this week, it just... makes my stomach clench up. And I feel sick. And sad. And angry. And empty. I feel like we'll never have a healthy baby. I can't imagine how those couples who lose two, three, four in a row and keep going. The strength they must have... I don't know how they endure the loss. I am feeling so discouraged right now. It doesn't help that my hCG levels are wonky, and I'm waiting on yet another call from my OB. For another possible week of surgery.
So, I sit here, staring at my phone, dreading/looking forward to the moment we get the calls. The squirmy, healthy, angry little boys that are on their ways to us. The first picture of the proud mother and father, holding their perfect babies and the year they've carried them successfully. And I do not begrudge them that. or their happiness. I am not bitter, and I am very happy for them. I still have mixed emotions about whether or not I want to see their babies right away. I just don't know what I'll feel. I am not normally an "emotional" woman, but I do think that might not be the best move to make right now.
Anyways, I know there is always hope where there is faith and love. But today, I just want to disappear and redo the past 6 months. I feel like a bad friend, but that's all there is to it. I'm just sad and feeling the loss today.
-Emily
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