Testing

Hopefully today is my last day of waiting with no news, because I am going in for a blood draw at lunch and tomorrow we'll see what my hCG levels are doing. If they are down to 2, I think I will be in the clear. If not, then I am guessing another Ultrasound and then heading towards the Operating Room.

That being said, this morning I took a home pregnancy test (it was left over from when we were ttc, don't worry, I did not buy any tests yet--that would be crazy). There was a faint positive. I need to do some research on the brand of test I used, but I'm pretty sure this means that there is SOME hCG left in my body, and probably higher than 2. I don't want my anxiety to get the best of me, and maybe blood is a more real-time indicator, but I'm afraid if a home test is showing hCG then my levels might not have gone back down. 

Everything else feels like I'm getting back to normal physically. I feel great, and I think I am going to go do yoga this week and do some stretching before starting back up my running. 

So yea, I will know for you tomorrow as far as what my levels are doing, and whether or not I will need a D&C. Stay tuned. 

-Emily

Hold, Please

I will not be going into an OR this week. My levels are decreasing and my OB thinks it blood, not tissue left. 

I am worried this might be a pivotol point in the future where we go "we should have done the surgery..." but at the same time, there's risk involved in surgery. Especially D&C. that risk is very low, but given my odds lately, I just don't know. 

Don't you wish you had a magical mirror that you could look into the future and make all the right decisions? I know that would be less fun and harder to learn lessons from, but when it comes to my infertility, I want to know what is right,.

Pray my OB is right, here. Debating if I need a second opinion... Just not sure.

hCG level: 85

-Emily

Most of pregnancy is waiting

It is Tuesday, and we are 11 days away from 'that night'. The bleeding and cramping has officially stopped. However, my ultrasound on Saturday showed that my lining was still thick, and there were still... 'stuff' left in there. Whether its' blood or tissue, we aren't 100% sure.

Since my doctor is on the fence about a D&C, I had to have blood drawn again yesterday to test my hCG levels. If they have not gone down, that will be indicative of a problem. My OB mentioned that we might do a medicine that causes cramping/bleeding to try to get the remaining tissue out. But honestly, I would rather just do the surgery at this point. Medicine will put me another week away from "normal" and it might result in a surgery anyways. So.. I don't know. I don't WANT surgery, but I'd rather just know I'm cleaned out and ready to go. 

I feel like it'd be a fresh start my uterus.... is that weird? 

Also, it'd give the doctor a chance to look in there and see if there are any abnormalities. I know there probably aren't, but someone like me who worries, it would certainly be a relief of sorts. 

Something interesting happened to me at the blood draw place yesterday. I mentioned to the hematologist that the E.R. had told me I had "really high blood counts". Which, I guess, means high platelets. The very first thing out of the hematologist's mouth was "that is what causes clotting". Alarm bells went off in my head. Someone totally alien to the situation said a key word based on knowledge I learned from our first big bleed. 

I will definitely want to be tested again for any clotting issues. I am going to see if my OB wants to do that herself before we see the perinatologist. Fingers crossed she calls for those tests, because I'd really rather just work with her at first. But, we'll see. I'll do literally whatever it takes to try to prevent a hematoma ever happening again. 

Something else interesting is happening. In my marriage. I am feeling so broken. Everything hurts. Everything is damaged. My womb is empty, and I was unable to carry a baby to term. I have this feeling of worthlessness. And I spent the whole night last night trying to convince my husband he needs a new wife. And I meant it. I feel like a dusty old uterus who can't perform her female duties. I am so angry at my body for failing me. And it's potential to do it again. I wish I could go back in time and start trying to get pregnant at age 22 with my husband. Instead of 27. So far, I'm seeing no advantage of waiting. More issues, more question marks, we still aren't financially wealthy. I just want my body to work, and the failure is causing so many issues for me.

I think that's another reason the surgery would help. A clean slate. Start over, and a pinpointed beginning when I can take back 'control' of my life (I realize we are not in control at all, but it makes me feel better to pretend right now). 

So that's where we are at. I will post more once I hear back about surgery today. 

-Emily