My Story - An Overview

My name is Emily, and I found out I was pregnant in May of 2015. My husband and I were overwhelmed... with excitement, joy, anxiety, nervousness, love. Every emotion you can imagine, we were feeling it. 

From the beginning, things felt off for me. I can't explain it. I had never been pregnant before, so I had nothing to go on. But I was never sick, and I had a nagging pain in my lower pelvis by my hip. Around week 7 I started spotting. Pink and light brown. There was no real trigger. Post intercourse, walking a mile, doing nothing -- it all led to spotting. 

My initial OB was at a very overworked office, and they were unable to make time to see me, despite my concerns. Between the pain and bleeding, I knew that I needed to find someone who was able to see me. Who knows, maybe if I had not interfered that early our baby would never have made it as far as he did. It might be a mixed blessing. 

After lying awake at night searching local OBs who would take new patients, I found the incredible Dr. W. She made time to see me, and on my first visit even did an ultrasound for me. (Unheard of, but she could tell I was panicky.) Prior in the year, I had started taking Prozac for anxiety attacks. I started a new job - my DREAM job - and was under a lot of stress to perform. Once we found out about the baby, I came off of Prozac. So I was already a little bit of an emotional wreck. Dr. W took me in for the scan and that was when my world changed even more than just being pregnant. She found a subchorionic hematoma. 

The SCH was crescent-shaped and cradled the left side of my sack. (Interestingly, it is on the side where my hip/groin had been hurting* asterisks will mark questions I have for future pregnancies.) The baby was BEAUTIFUL. Our little gummy bear. His heart was pumping along perfect for his size. I fell in love. 

With the advent of new technology, we are able to 'meet' our babies much sooner than we used to. There are pros and cons to this miracle. One con being that we fall in love that much faster with our unborn children. And in love I was. I took my little blip's photograph home and never let it out of my sight. The love shrouded my doctor's warning. She had handed me the delivery packet information with the advice "Maybe hold off on reading that until we get further along in the pregnancy." Okay, whatever, my sticky bean, as we had dubbed him, was perfect. The hematoma was a question mark, but I never truly let the concern sink in. How could a life so thriving be snuffed out by a little blood clot? 

I realize now, that at this point I had been set spinning like a dreidel. Slowly, unknowingly at first, but the initial inertia was put to my physical being, and seven weeks later, when my world came crashing down, that dreidel was spinning at full speed. 

Dr. W sent me to the phlebotomist that day to get blood drawn. She wanted to check my HCG and Progesterone levels. The following Monday, I got a call from a very concerned Dr. W.  I can remember the call clearly: 

"Hi Emily, I have some bad news. Your HCG levels are not raising like they should, and your progesterone is way too low. You need to go get a supplement for progesterone, I've put in the request at your pharmacy." 

But, the baby grew. We had harmony testing done.  He was a boy. No chromosomal abnormalities. I swear I felt him squirming around--he was so active! Around week 13, we entered our second trimester and a feeling of relief washed over us. We made it past the odds. Now the baby was growing big enough to squish that nasty blood clot, and save himself. 1% of miscarriages happen in the second trimester. We felt so safe, we even made the big family and Facebook announcement. 209 people liked the status. My husband and I have been married for three years, and together for nine. People were overjoyed for us. My mom even started getting little rubber ducky/ponies for the baby. 

A week later, the spinning dreidel had reached it's max speed and started to rock as it slowed. I had a big bleed at work. The largest bleed I'd ever had throughout the fourteen weeks. I went home and scheduled an appointment with my OB for the next day. (Since this was not my first bleed, I knew what we needed to do and when we should go to the ER. But things slowed down and it was alright.) The next day, I started feeling that icky, bloated feeling that comes with a big bleed. I  called in to work, unable to walk to the car without crying in pain. 

We saw Dr. W and the baby looked healthy. But the bleed had changed. The original hematoma shrunk dramatically. It looked like it had bled out. But since the SCH was on the top of the baby, it was bleeding around the side. A new pocked formed, and we could see it filling between the baby and the uterus. Our son looked irritated, as much as a 14 week old fetus can look irritated. But his heart was thumping away, so we went home and rested. 

The next day, I started cramping. Twisting, grinding, painful cramping with ten minutes in between each one. I know now that was labor contractions. Dr. W prescribed Tylenol and icing my lower abdomen. It helped, but the pain was getting severe (oddly, not as bad as some of my worst periods... I must have VERY bad periods!) That night, I told my husband that I felt like I was dying. I doubled my Tylenol intake and tried to sleep. Only to be awaked at midnight with the need to make a bowel movement. After ten minutes of trying, I gave up and laid back down. As soon as my head hit the pillow a big gush started. Something inside of me knew this was it. My husband was asleep, and I delivered our son by myself at midnight. There was a full, blue moon.

My baby was perfect. He was dead. But he was perfect. I will never forget or forgive myself for feeling the fear I had when I felt him coming. I was such a pansy. I will never, ever, ever forgive myself for not treating him with the respect I should have. I let my fear get a hold of me, and that will never happen again. 

The dreidel stopped spinning and fell. My world crashed around me. But the shock kept me from realizing what was happening. We went to the ER. I delivered the remainder of my placenta, and they gave me morphine and zofran for the cramping and nausea (the nausea was mental, not physical). 

It seems surreal. That night. If you told me we never went to the hospital, our dead baby in a towel on my lap, I would believe you. But it happened. And that changed me to my very core. 

At first, the relief was so great from the pain, and the shock/endorphines kept me from the horror of what happened. But, as anyone who has experienced loss knows, that fades and the grief sets in. It takes hold of you at the root of your heart, and it will never, ever leave. It might come and go in waves, or it might lessen, but the grief of losing a child is a forever thing. He is a part of me forever. 

The dreidel has fallen, and now I have seen that there is a new woman in me. I am changed forever. And part of this change is a desire to never, ever, ever sit by idly while this happens again. I want to work hard to find a way to keep this from happening to me, or to anyone. No one deserves this kind of pain. Needless, cruel, pain. 

We will try to conceive again. And this blog is where I will keep track of our story. If you are still reading after this, then please, I beg you, share your story with me. There is a community of us who have lost the battle to SCH, and I think a part of my grieving process is 'research'. Because I want to know everything I can about this killer before we try again. Join me in this journey. 

-Emily

Tired of feeling lost, tired of letting go.
Tear the whole world down, tear the whole world down.
Failure.
Drive the cloud away,
We will fall from last to none. 
The dark before the dawn,
The world will carry on. 
Look for the light that leads me home. 
"Failure" - Breaking Benjamin