I want to be pregnant.

We didn't have the easiest pregnancy. There was a lot of scariness, pain, and fear. But, I've never wanted anything more in my life than to be pregnant again. I loved having my little bean with me all the time. I loved having a secret world inside me. I loved having that connection with my husband, and how such a tiny little embryo changed our entire world. 

My husband and I were so happy. I felt ... important. Not in a self serving or self-fulfilling way. I felt like I was doing important work. Like my job was valued and doing it well was important. 

And I don't want another pregnancy to replace our angel baby. Because I know that will never happen. He is gone, and he was our first baby. The next babies will be our second, third, fourth, etc. children. But. All that being said, I want to be pregnant. 

I am praying we get back on "normalcy" this month, so we can try again this fall. And, God willing, no hematomas and a sticky baby. I want the ultrasounds. The blood draws. If it means a happy, healthy fetus, I want it back. I'd do it all over again. 

I know there are plans before it can happen again... my uterus cleaning itself out, my body getting in better shape, we really should even find a nicer living arrangement. But, my body is ready. I am ready. And I cannot WAIT until we get the chance to try again. Because this is what I was designed for. 

-Emily

Ultrasound Photos

Here you can see the crescent hematoma at 12 weeks. Baby was sucking his thumb. 

Hematoma when it was first diagnosed. 

One of the first images of baby. My sack is shaped very strangely... could it be fibroids? Could this have caused problems? 

High Risk OB / Periantologist

In the fight to control some of my surroundings (since I am losing control of my emotions on  an hourly basis--which results in listening to the recorded baby heartbeat and sobbing uncontrollably) I decided to take control of my situation and book an appointment with a specialist/high risk ob/periantologist. 

Our appointment is in October once my hormones settle down from this pregnancy. I am going to be compiling a list of tests that need to be done. It is is also important to know that my mother has Factor V Leiden. I was tested for Factor V 5 years ago, and tested negative. However, they did not test for any other clotting disorders. Apparently, my mother also had parvovirus. So if she had that before/during pregnancy with me, that is another possibility for SCH. 

Current lists of tests I want done: 

- Clotting disease
- Bleeding disease
- Parvovirus
- Lupus Anticoagulant
- Thyroid (was tested for this once, so I do not think I need it again, but it's on the list) 
- Phospholipid
- Progesterone insufficiency
- HCG insufficiency 
- Fibroids


Until then, I am planning on losing as much  weight as possible (before this baby I was at 280 lbs... I know I know...) By 14 weeks I was holding steady at 296. By end of October, I need to be down to 275. That is the current goal. So my plan: 

- Cross Fit
- Running (love running, had to stop with SCH)
- Yoga 
- Aerobics 
- Healthy diet 
- Daily green shakes 
- Vitamins: C, E, K
- Cinnamon
- Cayenne Pepper
- Wheat Grass
- PreNatals
- 1 tbls. Apple Cider Vinegar / day 


I have downloaded the app "Habits" that helps me keep track of when to take things and when I planned on exercising. It will remind me when I forgot something or skipped something. Of course, I can not start exercising until cleared at the next ultrasound by my current doctor, but once I am done bleeding and feeling better, back to the gym. 

-Emily

"Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand."
-Proverbs 19:21

WIP - The day we started to miscarry.

The Tuesday Before the Loss, my notes: 

I’m at thirteen weeks and four days. The spotting brown hasn’t stopped since our “big bleed” on July 10. Some days it’s lighter than others. Occasionally, it’s heavier if I have a full stomach or if I ate too much. The goal is to get to 20 weeks, when the baby can grow big enough to put some pressure on the clot and help break it up.

I was diagnosed with a Subchorionic Hematoma (SCH) at seven weeks when I was experiencing pain near my left hip and off and on spotting the prior two weeks of my pregnancy. My original OB (referred to me by a friend) did not have time to see me and do an ultrasound. They told me to go to the Triage center if the bleeding got worse. I quickly found myself a new OB who brought me and did an in-office Ultrasound for me. Dr. W might have saved our pregnancy.

She graciously did an ultrasound for a very panicky me, and found the hematoma.  Subchorionic hematomas, or hemorrhages, are very common in pregnancy. Although it doesn’t appear that there are many studies on them, they appear to not be at all standard, despite their commonality. The size, location, shape, and type of bleed can all affect the pregnancy in different ways. Our hematoma was on the right side of the sac, just below the placenta. It is crescent-shaped and started out as a thin line (it reminded me of the Cheshire Cat’s grin). But, the baby had a heartbeat, and looked like a gummy bear. I was so relieved to see the baby that nothing else mattered at that point.

After the ultrasound, Dr. W told me, in more eloquent terms than I am using now, that we’ll “just see what happens.” She sent me home with prenatals, delivery options (which she recommended I wait to read until we get further along in the pregnancy), and instructions to get my blood drawn at the local Path Group.

I went straight to the lab to get that taken care of, despite extreme fear of blood, and waited. The following Monday, Dr. W called me with very worrying news—my HCG levels were below average, and I was on the low to unsustainable levels of progesterone. She quickly prescribed a supplement that I was to take that evening. [Although progesterone does nothing once the placenta takes over, I am dutifully taking my pill every night. Please remember that I am extremely anxious. Just getting off of Prozac when we saw our BFP.]

About a month went by and everything seemed alright. The wonky pain by my hip would come and go, but I am still not sure if that is not just an unhealed horseback riding accident.

As we progressed, the clot grew wider, but not longer, from what I can tell. I have yet to be given any measurements by the OB (probably to not freak out an already anxiety-laden mom-to-be.) On Sunday, July 26, I started feeling… off. Hot, flushed, and I had lost my appetite completely. I stayed in bed all day except to make myself dinner. I assumed it was the bed rest making me feel the touch of cabin fever. But on Monday, I didn’t feel much better. I took my daily nap on my lunch break at work, and went to class after work to turn in a final. By the time I got home, I was not hungry, very tired, and felt like a bleed was coming on. My uterus felt a little sore, like I had overdone it that day.

The next morning, I woke up and was having serious cramping. When I went to the bathroom I had a gush of dark brown blood. It felt similar to my ‘big bleed’ but less volume, and it was definitely brown bleeding. I started panicking a little, which caused me to get shaky and a little nauseous. The bleeding continued throughout the morning and I was slowly filling up overnight pads with 100% brown blood. The forums all say this is good, but it didn’t feel good, because I was also cramping.

We checked the baby’s heartbeat on the Doppler, and I went to work. Having cleared my schedule, I sat with my feet up and listened to music while getting through my daily routine. It’s very hard to concentrate when you are going through this, but I do think having something to keep your mind busy helps. By this point, the cramps were like waves rolling over my body. Similar to a period cramp, but less painful.

I was a little worried these were labor cramps, but until I saw red blood, I wasn’t going to panic. The ER explicitly told me that if I was filling overnight pads more than one an hour for an extended period of time to come in. But if it was slower than that, I should be okay. Also, last time I was not hemorrhaging, it was from the hematoma. I have a known cause of bleeding, and brown blood is reportedly okay.

 I just wish I knew what was going on inside my body. Like I mentioned earlier, this is all very specific and relative to each individual pregnancy, so you can kind of get a sense of what is happening, but nothing is confirmed. Around 9 AM I needed to use the restroom. I hadn’t had a decent bowel movement in two days, so I wondered if the cramps were related to that. It seemed to help slightly—the bloated feeling I had been walking around with decreased slightly. But the cramps were still there. It felt slightly like a giant vice was gripping my hips and either pulling or pushing them apart. As the pain in my hips decreased, it moved up my body and felt like a muscle spasm.

Around 2pm (same time as the bleed on July 10^th) I stood up to refill my water and blood was gushing down my legs. I had filled an overnight pad in a matter of seconds. I had to strip down at work and try to dry myself off as best as possible. I guess the key here is to keep an extra pair of pants and underwear at my desk at all times if this is going to be a regular occurrence.

I decided to stay at work and see if I could curb the bleeding by sitting back at my desk with my feet propped up. Although it isn’t stopping, there have been no giant gushes like the first time. That is not to say there won’t be, just that it hasn’t happened yet. Currently, I am filling about one pad every hour and a half, which is just below what the baby Triage center said to come in for. I know once I get home and lay down this will improve. Oddly, my stomach almost feels better. The uterus is … tight? Or sore. Almost like it just ran a marathon. But the weird cramping is gone. I just feel fatigued and thirsty. Thank God for family. My mother is picking me up in 40 minutes and will take care of me tonight. My husband is off tomorrow and more of the same. It is at this point in life that I am so grateful we did not try to do this overseas. . . 

My Story - An Overview

My name is Emily, and I found out I was pregnant in May of 2015. My husband and I were overwhelmed... with excitement, joy, anxiety, nervousness, love. Every emotion you can imagine, we were feeling it. 

From the beginning, things felt off for me. I can't explain it. I had never been pregnant before, so I had nothing to go on. But I was never sick, and I had a nagging pain in my lower pelvis by my hip. Around week 7 I started spotting. Pink and light brown. There was no real trigger. Post intercourse, walking a mile, doing nothing -- it all led to spotting. 

My initial OB was at a very overworked office, and they were unable to make time to see me, despite my concerns. Between the pain and bleeding, I knew that I needed to find someone who was able to see me. Who knows, maybe if I had not interfered that early our baby would never have made it as far as he did. It might be a mixed blessing. 

After lying awake at night searching local OBs who would take new patients, I found the incredible Dr. W. She made time to see me, and on my first visit even did an ultrasound for me. (Unheard of, but she could tell I was panicky.) Prior in the year, I had started taking Prozac for anxiety attacks. I started a new job - my DREAM job - and was under a lot of stress to perform. Once we found out about the baby, I came off of Prozac. So I was already a little bit of an emotional wreck. Dr. W took me in for the scan and that was when my world changed even more than just being pregnant. She found a subchorionic hematoma. 

The SCH was crescent-shaped and cradled the left side of my sack. (Interestingly, it is on the side where my hip/groin had been hurting* asterisks will mark questions I have for future pregnancies.) The baby was BEAUTIFUL. Our little gummy bear. His heart was pumping along perfect for his size. I fell in love. 

With the advent of new technology, we are able to 'meet' our babies much sooner than we used to. There are pros and cons to this miracle. One con being that we fall in love that much faster with our unborn children. And in love I was. I took my little blip's photograph home and never let it out of my sight. The love shrouded my doctor's warning. She had handed me the delivery packet information with the advice "Maybe hold off on reading that until we get further along in the pregnancy." Okay, whatever, my sticky bean, as we had dubbed him, was perfect. The hematoma was a question mark, but I never truly let the concern sink in. How could a life so thriving be snuffed out by a little blood clot? 

I realize now, that at this point I had been set spinning like a dreidel. Slowly, unknowingly at first, but the initial inertia was put to my physical being, and seven weeks later, when my world came crashing down, that dreidel was spinning at full speed. 

Dr. W sent me to the phlebotomist that day to get blood drawn. She wanted to check my HCG and Progesterone levels. The following Monday, I got a call from a very concerned Dr. W.  I can remember the call clearly: 

"Hi Emily, I have some bad news. Your HCG levels are not raising like they should, and your progesterone is way too low. You need to go get a supplement for progesterone, I've put in the request at your pharmacy." 

But, the baby grew. We had harmony testing done.  He was a boy. No chromosomal abnormalities. I swear I felt him squirming around--he was so active! Around week 13, we entered our second trimester and a feeling of relief washed over us. We made it past the odds. Now the baby was growing big enough to squish that nasty blood clot, and save himself. 1% of miscarriages happen in the second trimester. We felt so safe, we even made the big family and Facebook announcement. 209 people liked the status. My husband and I have been married for three years, and together for nine. People were overjoyed for us. My mom even started getting little rubber ducky/ponies for the baby. 

A week later, the spinning dreidel had reached it's max speed and started to rock as it slowed. I had a big bleed at work. The largest bleed I'd ever had throughout the fourteen weeks. I went home and scheduled an appointment with my OB for the next day. (Since this was not my first bleed, I knew what we needed to do and when we should go to the ER. But things slowed down and it was alright.) The next day, I started feeling that icky, bloated feeling that comes with a big bleed. I  called in to work, unable to walk to the car without crying in pain. 

We saw Dr. W and the baby looked healthy. But the bleed had changed. The original hematoma shrunk dramatically. It looked like it had bled out. But since the SCH was on the top of the baby, it was bleeding around the side. A new pocked formed, and we could see it filling between the baby and the uterus. Our son looked irritated, as much as a 14 week old fetus can look irritated. But his heart was thumping away, so we went home and rested. 

The next day, I started cramping. Twisting, grinding, painful cramping with ten minutes in between each one. I know now that was labor contractions. Dr. W prescribed Tylenol and icing my lower abdomen. It helped, but the pain was getting severe (oddly, not as bad as some of my worst periods... I must have VERY bad periods!) That night, I told my husband that I felt like I was dying. I doubled my Tylenol intake and tried to sleep. Only to be awaked at midnight with the need to make a bowel movement. After ten minutes of trying, I gave up and laid back down. As soon as my head hit the pillow a big gush started. Something inside of me knew this was it. My husband was asleep, and I delivered our son by myself at midnight. There was a full, blue moon.

My baby was perfect. He was dead. But he was perfect. I will never forget or forgive myself for feeling the fear I had when I felt him coming. I was such a pansy. I will never, ever, ever forgive myself for not treating him with the respect I should have. I let my fear get a hold of me, and that will never happen again. 

The dreidel stopped spinning and fell. My world crashed around me. But the shock kept me from realizing what was happening. We went to the ER. I delivered the remainder of my placenta, and they gave me morphine and zofran for the cramping and nausea (the nausea was mental, not physical). 

It seems surreal. That night. If you told me we never went to the hospital, our dead baby in a towel on my lap, I would believe you. But it happened. And that changed me to my very core. 

At first, the relief was so great from the pain, and the shock/endorphines kept me from the horror of what happened. But, as anyone who has experienced loss knows, that fades and the grief sets in. It takes hold of you at the root of your heart, and it will never, ever leave. It might come and go in waves, or it might lessen, but the grief of losing a child is a forever thing. He is a part of me forever. 

The dreidel has fallen, and now I have seen that there is a new woman in me. I am changed forever. And part of this change is a desire to never, ever, ever sit by idly while this happens again. I want to work hard to find a way to keep this from happening to me, or to anyone. No one deserves this kind of pain. Needless, cruel, pain. 

We will try to conceive again. And this blog is where I will keep track of our story. If you are still reading after this, then please, I beg you, share your story with me. There is a community of us who have lost the battle to SCH, and I think a part of my grieving process is 'research'. Because I want to know everything I can about this killer before we try again. Join me in this journey. 

-Emily

Tired of feeling lost, tired of letting go.
Tear the whole world down, tear the whole world down.
Failure.
Drive the cloud away,
We will fall from last to none. 
The dark before the dawn,
The world will carry on. 
Look for the light that leads me home. 
"Failure" - Breaking Benjamin