Okay, I wish I had a pregnant friend or two, to go through this process with, because reading the internet is just scary, and my friends are mostly single, so I am pioneering the way through mucus and hip pain.
Anyways, weirdest thing happened this weekend. Friday night I was very, very sore. So sore I felt a little shaky and sick. Standing up made me feel a little off, and my hips/round ligaments/uterus were very achey. I was a little concerned about a miscarraige again because it almost felt crampy.
I went to bed, and when I woke up, everything felt different. Almost like she moved higher up in my abdomen. I don't have nearly the symptoms I had before. The achey hips are there (obesity at its finest). But the sloshing feeling is gone, the constant pulling is gone. I think the baby might have shifted higher up? Is that what happens when skinny women "pop" and get their bellies? I don't think I'll really "pop" due to my stomach, but maybe that is the defining moment?
It's so weird, and I was so nervous I had to use my doppler to make sure she was okay. Heart beating strong, just... don't feel... pregnant. Not like I was. Is this the second trimester golden period? In early pregnancy this is a sign of a miscarriage, but I am wondering if we just moved her out of my pelvis?
I'm so confused. All the time!
I also had a few strange realizations:
- I truly don't believe I deserve happiness/good things (I know we already discussed that, but I am seeing it now very clearly.)
- I am terrified that if I get happy and lose this baby, I will look like a fool.
Some good things to work through. Now that I am recognizing these bad behaviours and thought patterns, I am addressing them as they come up, and I can already tell today is a better day for me. I am feeling stronger, more in control. I never want my pregnancy or children to 100% define me. I think that is the fatal mistake in women who have children and in 20 years realize they've completely lost themselves. I want to give everything to my children, yes, but I still want my husband, and me, to be a priority. I want to be important and take care of us and our relationship. So as we move forward, it's going to be finding footholds of strength and taking steps to make sure I am making good decisions for all the stakeholders in our lives (husband, me, baby).
I was also looking at Instagram accounts of fitness coaches last night. They are able to be pregnant and maintain their figure and workout regimen. It reminded me that this is a NATURAL process. And while my body is unnaturally obese, it still knows what to do (or is at least learning). Do I think the miscarriage was natural? No. I still fully believe there was something underlying it, and the aspirin/progesterone regime I put myself on this time allowed this pregnancy to progress. But now that my body has taken over, I am going to try to have faith in it. Be good to it. And treat myself cautiously, but with the respect I deserve. And the next time we go through this (hopefully in two years when we have a healthy child alive and part of our family) I will be in a different place mentally and physically.
I am getting excited to take the baby for walks and eventually jogs. I am going to get the jogger. I am excited for races and being fit and active. I know I'll never look like @chontelduncan or @sarahstage, but I can look like me in better health with a lower BMI. And that's the goal. And once I can get to a healthy place with food and body image, and have a successful pregnancy, than the fear of this process should be replaced with confidence.
Also, I'm not doctor, and I definitely wasn't "there" so to speak for any of these pregnancies and labors, but of my four friends who gave birth wtihin the last 6 months, all four of the women decided they wanted to do natural labor, no induction, no epidural. Of those four, three were induced and c-section. Only one gave birth as she originally wanted, and it was the one of the four who works out consistently and eats healthy foods daily. These women ranged on a scale from skinny to overweight with moderate exercise, but the one woman who did what she wanted with no complications was committed to fitness throughout her pregnancy, and I want to model the remainder of my time after her. I know I won't lose weight, but I have not gained a single pound yet, and I am so happy about that accomplishment.
SO anyways, onwards. And maybe I should rename my blog "Plus Size Pregnancy", because I'm telling you, from what I can tell, it's a very different ballgame.
-Emily
So here we are again, 13.4. The day we lost our angel baby.
This has been a long-awaited day for me, and one that anxiety and hope has built and built as we got closer to. I know that there are still tons of problems that can happen after this day/week is over--I know that. But, I already feel so much better. I am half way through this day. No bleeding... knock on wood. Now spotting... knock on wood. This pregnancy has been so so different from the last one.
This morning I went baby hunting and found Bazby's beautiful heart pumping away. I recorded it today, because I want something to remember always. It's getting too big to disappear now, so I heard it floop around a little but stayed strong the whole time.
I am taking it easy, trying not to stress, and have started slowly telling my friends and coworkers.
The sad part? There will be no social media announcement. There will be no certainty. There will be no choosing names or planning a future. We are still scarred and trying to imagine a life where this ends in 9 months with a healthy child. I'm still terrified.
But slowly, I am getting more comfortable that this tiny human is growing. And okay. And we are fighting for it to live. Every decision is considered with the baby in mind. We are thinking about how we're going to set up a nursery, and items we could use for both this baby, or another baby if anything happens, I have my cloth diaper stash growing. (Cutest things in the world, btw... I can't wait to put them on a tiny baby!).
Every day is a small battle, and every morning that we wake up and find a healthy heartbeat with no bleeding is a win. It's all about winning those small battles, and before we know it, we will win the war. And I am going to start letting myself think this is okay.
This strong little fetus who decided it wanted to grow even when I thought it was impossible for it to exist. Just amazing.
So I went for Harmony and Cystic Fibrosis testing (NXGEN), and the lady at the lab stuck me seven unsuccessful times (over a two day period) with no blood (I am pretty sure it made me sick the following day). So I am going to go to the local hospital lab on Friday and try again. Which is funny, because if it takes a week and a half to get results back, we will have our 16 week ultrasound and might get to know the gender before the results come back!
I can't believe we might get to 16 weeks. I never thought it'd be possible. Is that crazy? And after 16 weeks, wewill be at 20 weeks for the anatomy scan, and then we are halfway there. I always said if we reach 20 weeks I will start believing in this happening, and I stand by that.
So, 6 more weeks. That's my next milestone.
Still taking:
- Baby Aspirin every other day
- PreNatal
- Fiber Gummies
- Prometrium 200mg 2x day
I talked to my cousin who is a pharmacist about taking the oral prometrium vaginally, and said that while it does help to get it 'right by the source', taking it orally is just as, if not more, effective. And despite the ladies on the boards, I am going to trust my pharmacist cousin.
So yes. That's where we're at. I'm toying with the idea of going to the Just Between Friends sale in the middle of April to see if we can get some used baby stuff - we need a crib, stroller, and bouncer, among many other things. Furniture. I'd love to get that all second hand. And by April we will be 21 weeks, so it might be okay... we'll see.
Life is weird. This process is weird. The amount of love I feel towards this tiny being with bones, toes, ears, a heartbeat, and tiny kidneys peeing into me... it's insurmountable. And I have so much hope and faith that this will be our Rainbow. I will still keep one foot in reality, because I know how the world can come crashing down, but for now, I'm dipping a toe into the waters of excitement.
P.S. Not knowing the gender is fine. I know everyone freaks out and needs to know. But I feel better not knowing. It feels more natural. Because the gender doesn't matter. It really doesn't. It's my child, and I love it no matter what. And I have not assigned it any personality besides a fiery little baby because of its sassy antics. But I would recommend to anyone going through this Rainbow experience that you wait to find out gender for a little while, because for some reason, not knowing is comforting. I don't think I'll want to know until 16 week scan, and not officially until 20 weeks. But maybe that's just my fear speaking.
P.P.S. I want to name it Pippa if it's a girl. Because Pippa means "Lover of Horses". Husband says no, so I'm hoping to sneak it in as a nickname ;)
P.P.P.S. They say you can't feel the baby for another 5 weeks or so, but I swear to you, I feel my uterus flip around. I don't feel kicks or anything, but I am pretty sure I feel it moving. I mean, it is the size of a peach afterall! I'm pretty sure you'd feel a peach in your uterus.
That's all for now....
Day by day.
-Emily
