Well, here we are - October 1st. My first real chance to blog since we got home at the end of August. Where the hell did a whole month go? It seemingly got gobbled up by diapers, bottles, screaming infant cries and a whole lot of healing on my part. There is so much I could say, and yet, so much I have forgotten.
Next Friday is my 6 week check up with my OB when we are cleared for "normal" life.And also when I will find out if I can have more children. I am probably dreading that question more than anything else. The answer will significantly change my future. However, after doing some research about Post Partum Hemmorage (PPH), it seems as though the uterus is an incredible organ that can heal itself. So I am hoping everything is going to be okay. Now, the idea of another baby seems crazy right now - the financial impact, the sleepless nights, the missing of 'normalcy' with my husband - but... at the same time, I have this feeling, no, knowledge, that our family is not complete yet. That there is still another person who we need to meet.
Anyways, I'm now a month and a half into motherhood. And the road has been admittedly rocky. I am in love with this new version of me. And trust me, it is a NEW version of me. What new mothers don't understand, despite being told it a billion times, is that motherhood changes you. And honestly, I Think it's for the better. I have found this deep well of strength and love that I honestly never knew existed. There is also a new calmness in my DNA that didn't exist before. A sense of 'pause'. I will handle things. "This too shall pass." has never meant more to me. I LOVE being a mommy.
Though I will admit, I'm not the best at it. And that's not 'mom guilt' talking. I truly mourn the loss of my old life and freedoms. I miss being able to go where I please, do what I choose and answer to no one. This is so different now. This tiny human, she needs me. And I love LOVE it, but it is also a total adjustment. We have figured out a new normal. And it makes me a person who is more still, and yet more active than ever before. A strange mix.
And yet, there is no other way I would want to live right now. No other life I could possibly imagine than being a mom to this person. It is so perfectly me.
Anyways, there was a lot that happened in five weeks, but I will try to summarize to the best of my ability.
The first two weeks home are a blur. Honestly, they're mostly lost to me. The combination of percocet, anemia, and just general healing left me pretty dazed. From what I hear, my husband did a lot of things I had no idea were happening. Midnight feedings, baby care, etc. I did my best, but I know I wasn't 100% there.
I had horrible chills throughout the night and during the day. I needed a heating pad most of the time and three layers of clothing. I had terrible aches in my back and legs, the swelling took two weeks to go down. Luckily, my lady bits were not as destroyed as some of my fellow mamas. But it could have just been the narcotics helping me ignore the pain ;)
My teeth hurt, like when you eat too much sugar. My head was fuzzy. I had a lot of cramps. Bleeding. Not a ton of clots. Like I said, a lot of those first two weeks are gone. The chills were the worst, though. And on top of it, I got sick. My doctor prescribed a z-pack which helped immensely. I had no voice for two weeks. It was pretty terrible. And to top it off, my baby was pretty unhappy. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I wish I had done more research about nursing. Because it went terribly. We were supplementing with formula because my body was just not up to the task of producing enough. I could (and still can) only make about 1 ounce every two hours or so. I think she'd survive on it, and might even increase production over time, but she certainly wouldn't have thrived. So now we supplement and I feed her as often as possible and pump every three hours.
This child is either allergic to milk, or just a diva (we're pretty sure it's the milk), because she would scream after every meal - and sometimes just in general. So now we are on the uber-pricey Nutramigen. My best laid plans of breastfeeding and cloth diapering to help budget are pretty much out the window. The diapers might still happen, but since we are now not only feeding formula, but it's the MOST EXPENSIVE formula out there, I am just resigning myself to the fact that we're going t be broke forever. But hey, she can eat now, not scream, and has regular poops. And for her, I'd do anything to make her feel good. '
There is something so heartbreaking about not being able to feed your child. It was absolutely the hardest thing to deal with when we first got home. And even now, I feel like a failure for it. But my breasts just weren't cut out to make buffet meals. They never increased in size through pregnancy, and even when my milk came in. Before the end of the year I will be going to see an endocrinologist and a hematologist because apparently Thyroid issues can hurt milk production. And I now think I have a bleeding disorder, not a clotting disorder, that I want to be tested for. Mental note - go get appointments booked!
For other new moms who struggle with breastfeeding, or who are wanting to nurse - I recommend doing some research before you give birth so you know what to expect and what is normal. And how to 'increase supply' when you feel like you aren't making enough and everyone is telling you to supplement.
That all being said - feed your babies. There is no award for best mom. You just have to figure it all out and get through it. Your child will love you if you don't breastfeed. I promise. (my baby loves eating so much that she sucks down nutamigen, even thought it tastes and smells like rotting milk!)
So, coping with my failure as a milk cow was tough. But I'm getting over it. And learning how to make this little girl a happy healthy baby. She loves being held. She loves holding her head up. She is also somewhat indpeendent (for an infant). Sometimes, she just wants to lay down alone and not be messed with. She sleeps in her Pack N Play newborn napper like a champ. Anywhere from 3-4 hours at a time. The 5 am wake up is still hard on me (I NEED my sleep...) but we're getting better.
I read a great article that says "it doesn't get easier, you get better at it". And I am taking it to heart. I am getting better. I'm getting good at it. I still have my moments, and panic, and freak out, but we're learning together. I told my husband last night I feel like a little kid who is playing dress up with her mommy's clothing. The house, the baby, the responsiblities. I do not always feel like I can do it all. But I look around and realize, everyone must feel this way sometimes. Because it's just life. And you learn as you go.
So now that we are starting to 'get it', I am debating starting an entirely new blog about my parenting adventures as a working mom. Still undecided. But debating it. I will continue to update this blog with health issues revolving around hematomas. Because I think it's so important and any subsequent pregnancies will be logged here. But... i think it's time to start a new chapter.
My heart is full .And while I miss my son, I learned so much from my time with him. And I will love him forever. And this little girl is even more appreciated because we know the magnitude of what was lost,
And how appropriate on the firs day of October - the month of miscarriage awareness. We've come full circle. What a year and a half this has been. The amount I've learned and grown and changed... it's beyond even me to see the magnitude of the change and growth.
And one thing I take away from it all? Love. Just, sheer unadulterated love. That I didn't know I was capable of. And in so many new ways. For my lost son, for my giving husband, for my perfect daughter. For those around me - a new compassion I've never felt before. A sense of peace and belonging.
So much has changed, and yet, mostly it's just me who has changed.
Alright, it's Saturday and this little tot needs to get up and out so we sleep tonight. More coming as I think of any details essential to record.
-Emily
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