Less than a week away from .... something

I know these posts have been few and far between, but that's because I've been using my time to get myself in better shape-- both mentally and physically. I have tapered off on taking supplements and researching hematomas. I want a fresh start, and Monday, October 4th my husband and I are going to visit the high risk OB. When I booked this appointment it seemed like ages away, and now here we are, less than a week away. I have no idea what to expect. What they'll say. If they'll agree with me on testing. I don't know how the appointment will flow, or even what it will cost. I have no idea what to expect, but I think, for once, that is a good thing. 

It is the first day of October, 2015. The beginning of Fall in what has been an entirely too shitty year. Our wedding anniversary is twelve days away and the temperature has (finally) dipped out of the 80s.  For most people, Fall is a time of reflection and family and looking back on the year. And I usually subscribe to that too. But this year, Fall is going to be about fresh starts, new beginnings, new relationships, and starting a new life. Both physically and emotionally. 

I have started seeing a counselor as I tackle the issues in my life. I know that I am very blessed and fortunate to have what I have and be who I am. But I also know that I've spent the past 28 years shirking away from dealing with things. Emotions, actions, feelings. I feel like, as much as we loved our little baby, this process has helped me find inner strength. I have formed a new friendship, repaired my relationship with my husband, started to take responsibility for my finances, and planning on a real future, not a fantasy future. For the first time since July 31, I am starting to look to the future. I am starting to see a path for us to walk down together. And I have discovered how truly sad I am that we did not start trying to have children sooner. I know they say to wait and enjoy your lives together, but we've had 9 years, and I do feel responsible for not having healthy babies yet. If I only knew then what I know now. But, we can't sift through the past looking for wrong turns, all we can do is plan for a better tomorrow....

And tomorrow, and tomorrow, and then it's doctor day.

I know they will want me to lose weight. (Duh, I am pushing 300 lbs after a 20lb baby weight gain, and I can't seem to drop it). I don't know how soon they'll want to do blood testing. I have weaned myself off all of the supplements I  was taking for the hematoma (cayenne pepper, E, wheat grass, cinnamon, Vitex) and all that's left is the prenatal. So hopefully the blood is pretty pure. ;) 

Something interesting has come up, too. We've decided to wait to TTC again until our trip to Ireland. That is about 3 months away. I am sad we are waiting, as anyone who has experienced loss knows, you want to fill that ACTUAL void, but I am happy we have three months with each other to have fun, enjoy each other, and get ourselves as healthy as we can be before we experience this again. The few months are probably necessary emotionally, too, because if we have another hematoma, it's going to be a really terribly difficult road.  And hard decisions will have to be made. Also, by January our ER bills will be officially paid off. We also noticed that I booked the trip over our original due date. That can't be coincidence. Life is a funny place. 

So anyways, there is not much to update today besides the fact that I am fully healed internally, and I will have more news for you on Monday, and that emotionally, we're getting there. 

-Emily 

Come Fund Us!

Quick access to our go fund me campaign - Angel Baby Rocks in Ireland 

gofund.me/angelrocksireland

if you would like your loved one's name painted on a rock and pictured in a serene, beautiful place in Ireland, check out my gofundme. :) 

Hoping it helps offset the cost, and a way to give back to those who donate.

-Emily

An Emerald Isle

Good morning, it is bright, early, and beautiful here in Missouri. The weekend we were blessed with had high temperatures in the 70s. I was able to enjoy time with my husband and my mother. She just got back from a two week trip to Washington, so it was nice to catch up.

My biggest project over the coming weeks will be to "purge" myself of unnecessary belongings. Partly because the 'new' Emily is very different, and I like having fewer 'things', and what  Ido have I want to be high quality. The other reason for this cleaning is my landlord told me yesterday that she is selling the house we live in. So we could, theoretically, be looking for a new home. With my husband in school full time, and paying all of our medical bills we don't have the money for a down payment on a home in the area we want to be. So we will continue to rent. But moving is a motivator to pare down on the excess stuff we have accumulated.

So, on to the baby stuff, which is why I'm really here. :)

My levels hit 1.9! HOORAY!! I am officially back to normal. We all knew this when I started my period! But, it is nice that the blood backs it up. I am instructed to contact my OB in a year for my annual check up, or if we start trying and have no luck in six months. She did not want to do any testing, which, to me, feels like a 'go ahead' to see the specialist. October 4th is the appointment with our high risk OB, and I will have much more news for you then.

Until then, I am working out with my new coach and new friend I met through a networking group on facebook. I am down another pound, huzzah! My temperatures never spiked, so I still do not know if I ovulated this month, but we will know in about 3 weeks when I track again. I was taking OPKs (Ovulation Predictor Kits) and had a positive, but only one, so it could have been a fluke?

Alright, here is the coolest thing, I think. We decided (perhaps while drinking... definitely while drinking...) to go to Ireland.

Now, I know I've been talking about cash and bills, and trust me, money is tight. But we just came into some money that deserved a good use. I have friends all over Britain who have offered to let us stay with them for free, and I work for a car rental company, so car hire will be half price. We will pack our own breakfasts and lunches, and try to eat inexpensive (to Tesco!). My husband is writing a six book fantasy novel series, and in book three the characters travel to Ireland. He has never been (and I've only ever been to Dublin) so he will be able to write part of that book while there. We are going to start in Dublin, go visit friends in Limerick, hopefully get up north, and then spend time in London. 

While we are there, I have decided to do Angel Rocks. I will write down names of Angel Babies (or any lost loved one) and take a picture of their rock in a beautiful Irish location. Then send the photos to the family. I've seen this done other places, and it is a very nice way to remember people and also a cool way to experience the world and spread the love. I even started a gofundme. For $15 if someone wants an angel rock, they can have one done in Ireland. For $5 dollars I will compile a list of names and do a larger rock. I think this will be a fun project, and help to offset the cost of our trip. 

gofund.me/angelrocksireland

Oh btw, did I  mention we will be ttc in Ireland? I mean, it's hopeful thinking... we will plan it around our charting, and of course it's a once in a lifetime chance... But we're going to try for it!!! 

Okay, so this is a very happy post, full of potential, possibility, and change. Let's embrace the change. :) 

-Emily