I just read the title of my blog again. "Surviving a subchorionic hematoma."
Surviving.
That is what I have been doing for over a year now. Just... surviving. I haven't been living. I haven't been fully and truly living and enjoying my life. I've been so scared, cowering from the fear of pain, loss, grief. The fear that we're going to go through another cataclysmic event. I am surviving.
And surviving--that is important. Probably just as important as living, because no one goes from pure, earth-shaking, heart-wrenching grief to fully living. The surviving is the middle stage. I needed to learn how to survive again, because there were times where I wasn't sure how I could. And even now, with life turning around for us a bit, and a healthy baby kicking my ribs, the thought of LIVING seems like a far-off, distant possibility.
But I see it again. I see it in my future... there is a little light shining ahead of me, glowing in the distance, almost within my grasp. A light where dreams come true, hard work pays off, and happiness can be found. My fear is still muting it. Trust me, I'm terrified. And I don't know if I'll be able to breathe easily until I hear my daughter screaming, and find out she's healthy. I know that I've got at least another week left before I am able to start moving towards that light of living.
Do I regret getting pregnant so quickly after my loss? In some ways, I feel like she got robbed. In some ways, I wish we had waited a little longer to allow the healing to have gotten further along. But, could we have fully healed not knowing if we could do the one thing we want most? Complete our family? I honestly don't know. Waiting could have prolonged the suffering even more.
But here we are, on the dawn of a new chapter. In so many ways. I just got a promotion at work, I can finally believe and trust that things might be okay financially. We can afford a new roof once I pay off some debt, in a few months I'll be able to start fixing stuff around the house that have been put on hold (rock beds, de-weeding, fence mending, power washing, getting into the attic, painting...)
These are all little glimmers of hope. Of light. Of a future I can believe in again. Did this baby suffer? I don't think so. She certainly won't when she's here. My fear has not kept either of us from bonding with her. If anything, we are too attached, and I am more scared of that than anything else. She is probably the most loved child on the planet right now (yea, yea, you think your baby is, you are wrong ;) ). So did she suffer for it? No. Will she? No. She is part of my glimmer of light.
And even if something happens... at least I can know that through the darkness and from the ashes I can rise yet again. We are all able to be reborn. So we learned from childhood Sunday school, and so we experience over and over again. And while I'm just a little fledgling, I am starting to believe that life is good again. It's hard, and sad, and scary, and bad stuff happens. Yes, it does. But it doesn't ALWAYS have to be bad.
So, give me a few more days of "survival", and then, we'll move into the living portion, where I start pulling back the shades and dipping my toe into the pool of life again. That's the hope, that's what I pray for, and that's what we're working towards. While I have no control of anything, that's where I'm at right now. It's the only way I can accept the past 16 months.
Baby update - no real contractions, no more braxton hicks, no mucus plug, baby in my ribs. No real progress. guessing no more dilation (we were at 1 cm for two weeks). While this doesn't mean jack, it also definitely doesn't mean I am in labor, and that's what we're aiming for!
Next appointment is friday, where I will be asking to schedule an induction / c-section. Physically, I feel wonderful! Hips are alright, sleeping not great, but sleeping, I am hot and sweaty and smell bad, and I officially can't eat dairy anymore because it tastes horribly disgusting. But mentally? Mentally, i am exhausted. Mentally, I am drained. Mentally there isn't much left. Work is sucking up the majority of the stamina I have left, and baby stuff... don't even get me started. The waiting. The watching. The not knowing. My brain is just about at the end of its rope. So yea, while I could go two more weeks physically, I am pretty much burnt out emotionally, and that's a scary place to be. So I should have more information for the blog after my appointment Friday. Last Wednesday we were "1 and a wiggle cm" dilated, cervix long and firm, but coming 'forward'. BP was 130/80 (creeping up). My hands are numb and tingly and puffy from carpal tunnel, my feet are like sausages, but the baby isn't showing any signs of being ready. I am frustrated and upset at my doctor (probably mostly hormonal, because logically I know why my baby isn't here in my arms yet, wiggling around. but emotionally, I am so mad that she's not after months of hearing we'd go early).
Yea... it's a weird place to be. A true holding pattern. Like the planes that land in London, circling around the river Thames, watching the Eye spin around, and cars attempt to get through gridlock, and Big Ben standing proud over his city. I'm just up here watching, waiting, and praying. Hoping for the best, and looking forward to the future. Finally, a future with light I can see.
-Em
Showing posts with label mucus plug. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mucus plug. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
Tuesday, March 15, 2016
16 Week Check-In
Sorry I've been MIA for a while, I am trying to let time pass without overthinking things, but that is proving challenging. So here is what has been happening:
We had our 16 week check up, and baby is great! No signs of any bleeding in the hematoma. Heartrate is good (I still think high, but doctor didn't seem to mind) around 160. She (yes, she!) was laying on her side, so we didn't get a good profile, but the genetic screening came back with great results. Everything appears to be going fine!
Apparently the pain/pressure I was feeling below my belly was still RLP, and my doctor did not seem concerned at all. So the appointment was on a Wednesday, and we left feeling pretty good. The 20 week scan is scheduled, and we are a month away from half way cooked!
So, I guess after the appointment I started overdoing it, because the thick green mucus came back (with a vengeance). I started walking again, and my husband and I had sex for the first time in weeeeks, feeling like everything was okay, well, I'm pretty sure that caused the mucus. After doing some research, I'm fairly confident it was part of my mucus plug. I, of course, freaked out, and immediately put myself back on bedrest. I spent the entire weekend relaxing and didn't leave the house. By Sunday, it had diminished significantly. So by today (tuesday) the mucus is gone, but NOW I have a weird feeling down there. Sigh. IT NEVER ENDS! I am hyper sensitive to begin with, but now I'm wondering if I actually had/have a yeast infection. I have been wearing a pad every day for 4 months .... so I'm wondering ifit's too hot down there. Back to cotton underwear today, and doing some research.
So I think we are past the point of TMI at this point, but it basically feels like ... you know when you accidentally leave a little piece of toilet paper after wiping? it feels kind of like that down there. It doesn't hurt, but it's noticeable. I've checked and can't feel my cervix, so that is good (at least it's not down low). And nothing else seems off, but of course any little thing down there freaks me out. Especially since I'm terrified I have an incompetent cervix after the miscarriage (I know that was labor/contractions, and a hemorrage that irritated everything, but I still just opened up with no issues). I think at 20 week ultrasound they will look at my cervix for the first time, so yay, hopefully we make it through these next four weeks with little to no incidents and get halfway through. Then, we'll be talking about VIABILITY!!!! I am not there yet, we still have too long of a journey to go,... but we're getting closer! And I've been so busy during the workday that the weeks do seem to be passing quickly.
Anyways, that's what's up down there. It's always something, isn't it? I have decide how much I'm going to limit myself these next few months. I am going to err on the side of caution, because we've now made it this far. I have a daughter, and I love her, and I'd literally do ANYTHING to keep her safe. So we're just going to keep taking it a day at a time, and tackle things as they come up.
If you ask any of my care practitioners, everything is 100% perfect, so I am just going off of their diagnoses and telling myself to chill the fuck out. Stress is bad, apparently the cortisol levels can transfer to the amniotic fluid, and stress out the baby. So ... more meditation, more calming relaxing deep breathing, and less worrying about what's going on around me. If I were a horse, you'd be putting blinders on me right about now.
Oh, I think I can feel baby moving... Like right now, it feels like someone is blowing bubbles in my uterus. It's one of the most amazing feelings. The other night I swear I felt a kick! I am going to look today and try to find out why it's called "the quickening" (cause, come on, that's a Highlander thing, and how awesome to call feeling your baby move that??!!!). I wish I Wasn't carrying around all this extra weight, because I know my husband will not be able to feel her for a while. But that's okay, I know he will soon, and then he'll have the rest of his life to love her. :) .... Assuming we get through the next five months.
Also, he made an interesting point the other day. I don't think that I DESERVE to be happy, or have good things happen. Which is just strange, because my life is FULL of great things. I am very blessed and very lucky and work very hard to get what I want. But I think if I start to get excited about this baby she'll die. And I feel like if I want something, I won't get it, because I Don't deserve it. Stuff to talk to my counselor about I guess.
Anyways, I'm sure there's more, and I'll start being more active documenting things, although I feel like these month long waits are pretty much the same. Most of the time I don't feel pregnant (second trimester - golden trimester!) Unless I'm freaked out about something, or feeling pressure, or the baby is moving.
As a side note, I still expect blood every time I wipe, and I still am scared every morning when I wake up (and the multiple times throughout the night) that there will be a pool of blood around me again. I think I have the symptoms of PTSD, and I don't think I'll relax about it until the baby is healthy and viable and preferably here and full term here. So anyways, if anyone out there is struggling like that, just know that you aren't alone, this is a REAL THING, and what you experienced -- no matter how far into a pregnancy -- is a scary, horrible, terrible thing, and while we shouldn't dwell on the past, I want to validate your emotions. If you are scared like me, know that there is hope, and I believe that things can be okay, and that is what gets me through every day.
Also, a friend of mine is in counseling and they're discussing self worth. And there is a little exercise they told me about that goes like this -
This is a process to better understand that you are valuable and deserve good things. But, I am also going to apply the process to the miscarriage. Because I know I have been living in the past with this pregnancy, and now we're in a new week, and we're further than ever before, and people keep telling me it's all normal. So .... I'm going to start looking to dawn instead of watching the sun setting on the past.
-Emily
We had our 16 week check up, and baby is great! No signs of any bleeding in the hematoma. Heartrate is good (I still think high, but doctor didn't seem to mind) around 160. She (yes, she!) was laying on her side, so we didn't get a good profile, but the genetic screening came back with great results. Everything appears to be going fine!
Apparently the pain/pressure I was feeling below my belly was still RLP, and my doctor did not seem concerned at all. So the appointment was on a Wednesday, and we left feeling pretty good. The 20 week scan is scheduled, and we are a month away from half way cooked!
So, I guess after the appointment I started overdoing it, because the thick green mucus came back (with a vengeance). I started walking again, and my husband and I had sex for the first time in weeeeks, feeling like everything was okay, well, I'm pretty sure that caused the mucus. After doing some research, I'm fairly confident it was part of my mucus plug. I, of course, freaked out, and immediately put myself back on bedrest. I spent the entire weekend relaxing and didn't leave the house. By Sunday, it had diminished significantly. So by today (tuesday) the mucus is gone, but NOW I have a weird feeling down there. Sigh. IT NEVER ENDS! I am hyper sensitive to begin with, but now I'm wondering if I actually had/have a yeast infection. I have been wearing a pad every day for 4 months .... so I'm wondering ifit's too hot down there. Back to cotton underwear today, and doing some research.
So I think we are past the point of TMI at this point, but it basically feels like ... you know when you accidentally leave a little piece of toilet paper after wiping? it feels kind of like that down there. It doesn't hurt, but it's noticeable. I've checked and can't feel my cervix, so that is good (at least it's not down low). And nothing else seems off, but of course any little thing down there freaks me out. Especially since I'm terrified I have an incompetent cervix after the miscarriage (I know that was labor/contractions, and a hemorrage that irritated everything, but I still just opened up with no issues). I think at 20 week ultrasound they will look at my cervix for the first time, so yay, hopefully we make it through these next four weeks with little to no incidents and get halfway through. Then, we'll be talking about VIABILITY!!!! I am not there yet, we still have too long of a journey to go,... but we're getting closer! And I've been so busy during the workday that the weeks do seem to be passing quickly.
Anyways, that's what's up down there. It's always something, isn't it? I have decide how much I'm going to limit myself these next few months. I am going to err on the side of caution, because we've now made it this far. I have a daughter, and I love her, and I'd literally do ANYTHING to keep her safe. So we're just going to keep taking it a day at a time, and tackle things as they come up.
If you ask any of my care practitioners, everything is 100% perfect, so I am just going off of their diagnoses and telling myself to chill the fuck out. Stress is bad, apparently the cortisol levels can transfer to the amniotic fluid, and stress out the baby. So ... more meditation, more calming relaxing deep breathing, and less worrying about what's going on around me. If I were a horse, you'd be putting blinders on me right about now.
Oh, I think I can feel baby moving... Like right now, it feels like someone is blowing bubbles in my uterus. It's one of the most amazing feelings. The other night I swear I felt a kick! I am going to look today and try to find out why it's called "the quickening" (cause, come on, that's a Highlander thing, and how awesome to call feeling your baby move that??!!!). I wish I Wasn't carrying around all this extra weight, because I know my husband will not be able to feel her for a while. But that's okay, I know he will soon, and then he'll have the rest of his life to love her. :) .... Assuming we get through the next five months.
Also, he made an interesting point the other day. I don't think that I DESERVE to be happy, or have good things happen. Which is just strange, because my life is FULL of great things. I am very blessed and very lucky and work very hard to get what I want. But I think if I start to get excited about this baby she'll die. And I feel like if I want something, I won't get it, because I Don't deserve it. Stuff to talk to my counselor about I guess.
Anyways, I'm sure there's more, and I'll start being more active documenting things, although I feel like these month long waits are pretty much the same. Most of the time I don't feel pregnant (second trimester - golden trimester!) Unless I'm freaked out about something, or feeling pressure, or the baby is moving.
As a side note, I still expect blood every time I wipe, and I still am scared every morning when I wake up (and the multiple times throughout the night) that there will be a pool of blood around me again. I think I have the symptoms of PTSD, and I don't think I'll relax about it until the baby is healthy and viable and preferably here and full term here. So anyways, if anyone out there is struggling like that, just know that you aren't alone, this is a REAL THING, and what you experienced -- no matter how far into a pregnancy -- is a scary, horrible, terrible thing, and while we shouldn't dwell on the past, I want to validate your emotions. If you are scared like me, know that there is hope, and I believe that things can be okay, and that is what gets me through every day.
Also, a friend of mine is in counseling and they're discussing self worth. And there is a little exercise they told me about that goes like this -
- Remove toxic substances or behaviors from your life.
- Look back and make new choices about old messages and feelings.
- Develop new behaviors.
This is a process to better understand that you are valuable and deserve good things. But, I am also going to apply the process to the miscarriage. Because I know I have been living in the past with this pregnancy, and now we're in a new week, and we're further than ever before, and people keep telling me it's all normal. So .... I'm going to start looking to dawn instead of watching the sun setting on the past.
-Emily
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