Sorry I've been MIA for a while, I am trying to let time pass without overthinking things, but that is proving challenging. So here is what has been happening:
We had our 16 week check up, and baby is great! No signs of any bleeding in the hematoma. Heartrate is good (I still think high, but doctor didn't seem to mind) around 160. She (yes, she!) was laying on her side, so we didn't get a good profile, but the genetic screening came back with great results. Everything appears to be going fine!
Apparently the pain/pressure I was feeling below my belly was still RLP, and my doctor did not seem concerned at all. So the appointment was on a Wednesday, and we left feeling pretty good. The 20 week scan is scheduled, and we are a month away from half way cooked!
So, I guess after the appointment I started overdoing it, because the thick green mucus came back (with a vengeance). I started walking again, and my husband and I had sex for the first time in weeeeks, feeling like everything was okay, well, I'm pretty sure that caused the mucus. After doing some research, I'm fairly confident it was part of my mucus plug. I, of course, freaked out, and immediately put myself back on bedrest. I spent the entire weekend relaxing and didn't leave the house. By Sunday, it had diminished significantly. So by today (tuesday) the mucus is gone, but NOW I have a weird feeling down there. Sigh. IT NEVER ENDS! I am hyper sensitive to begin with, but now I'm wondering if I actually had/have a yeast infection. I have been wearing a pad every day for 4 months .... so I'm wondering ifit's too hot down there. Back to cotton underwear today, and doing some research.
So I think we are past the point of TMI at this point, but it basically feels like ... you know when you accidentally leave a little piece of toilet paper after wiping? it feels kind of like that down there. It doesn't hurt, but it's noticeable. I've checked and can't feel my cervix, so that is good (at least it's not down low). And nothing else seems off, but of course any little thing down there freaks me out. Especially since I'm terrified I have an incompetent cervix after the miscarriage (I know that was labor/contractions, and a hemorrage that irritated everything, but I still just opened up with no issues). I think at 20 week ultrasound they will look at my cervix for the first time, so yay, hopefully we make it through these next four weeks with little to no incidents and get halfway through. Then, we'll be talking about VIABILITY!!!! I am not there yet, we still have too long of a journey to go,... but we're getting closer! And I've been so busy during the workday that the weeks do seem to be passing quickly.
Anyways, that's what's up down there. It's always something, isn't it? I have decide how much I'm going to limit myself these next few months. I am going to err on the side of caution, because we've now made it this far. I have a daughter, and I love her, and I'd literally do ANYTHING to keep her safe. So we're just going to keep taking it a day at a time, and tackle things as they come up.
If you ask any of my care practitioners, everything is 100% perfect, so I am just going off of their diagnoses and telling myself to chill the fuck out. Stress is bad, apparently the cortisol levels can transfer to the amniotic fluid, and stress out the baby. So ... more meditation, more calming relaxing deep breathing, and less worrying about what's going on around me. If I were a horse, you'd be putting blinders on me right about now.
Oh, I think I can feel baby moving... Like right now, it feels like someone is blowing bubbles in my uterus. It's one of the most amazing feelings. The other night I swear I felt a kick! I am going to look today and try to find out why it's called "the quickening" (cause, come on, that's a Highlander thing, and how awesome to call feeling your baby move that??!!!). I wish I Wasn't carrying around all this extra weight, because I know my husband will not be able to feel her for a while. But that's okay, I know he will soon, and then he'll have the rest of his life to love her. :) .... Assuming we get through the next five months.
Also, he made an interesting point the other day. I don't think that I DESERVE to be happy, or have good things happen. Which is just strange, because my life is FULL of great things. I am very blessed and very lucky and work very hard to get what I want. But I think if I start to get excited about this baby she'll die. And I feel like if I want something, I won't get it, because I Don't deserve it. Stuff to talk to my counselor about I guess.
Anyways, I'm sure there's more, and I'll start being more active documenting things, although I feel like these month long waits are pretty much the same. Most of the time I don't feel pregnant (second trimester - golden trimester!) Unless I'm freaked out about something, or feeling pressure, or the baby is moving.
As a side note, I still expect blood every time I wipe, and I still am scared every morning when I wake up (and the multiple times throughout the night) that there will be a pool of blood around me again. I think I have the symptoms of PTSD, and I don't think I'll relax about it until the baby is healthy and viable and preferably here and full term here. So anyways, if anyone out there is struggling like that, just know that you aren't alone, this is a REAL THING, and what you experienced -- no matter how far into a pregnancy -- is a scary, horrible, terrible thing, and while we shouldn't dwell on the past, I want to validate your emotions. If you are scared like me, know that there is hope, and I believe that things can be okay, and that is what gets me through every day.
Also, a friend of mine is in counseling and they're discussing self worth. And there is a little exercise they told me about that goes like this -
- Remove toxic substances or behaviors from your life.
- Look back and make new choices about old messages and feelings.
- Develop new behaviors.
This is a process to better understand that you are valuable and deserve good things. But, I am also going to apply the process to the miscarriage. Because I know I have been living in the past with this pregnancy, and now we're in a new week, and we're further than ever before, and people keep telling me it's all normal. So .... I'm going to start looking to dawn instead of watching the sun setting on the past.
-Emily
Okay, let's see what is going on today.
What I can only describe as a grapefruit stuck in my uterus being pulled downward is what I felt all weekend. Not painful, just REALLY weird, and made me have to pee. A lot. I am feeling it again today, and hoping that it's just stretching and growing. Saturday we went baby hunting, and we were able to find the heartbeat before it flipped us the bird and disappeared into the murky layers of fatness.
I tried again this morning to no avail, I think after laying on my back so long it gets far enough away that I can't find it. But I'm not letting that get me down. Even my OB could not find it with a doppler last week, so it's nothing to be worried about.
The brown spotting appears to have stopped after literally doing NOTHING (but a minor grocery shop Saturday morning) for the whole weekend. I watched season 6 of Dance Moms and got caught up on Jane the Virgin, and by Monday the brown gunk was gone. I am not sure if bedrest is helping ,or if not being stressed at work is helping, but the weekends are proving to be very important to relax and heal. (The stress at work is pretty insurmountable, I'm going to have to take a big step back and evaluate what the hell I am doing, because I am not sure if it's baby hormones, or just the sheer magnitude of my responsibility, but I am overwhelmed.)
Yesterday my nausea was back, but today not so much. And my nipples were little rings of fire, but that seems to have backed off too. With that, and the doppler not producing a heartbeat today I am trying to stay calm. I know those things cause anxiety, but the mixed missing symptoms are weird, too. I am going to assume that it's because I am 12.4 today, and very close to my 2nd trimester when stuff (apparently) gets better.
My doctor is still keeping me on a 4 week schedule, which I am not sure is the best move, but she really doesn't think there is a problem. So I go back early March. I had a nice little conversation with myself in the middle of the night where I agreed not to panic or freak out and call until next Wednesday. If the brown stuff is back, the thick green gunk comes back after I pick up walking again (which I plan on doing Saturday since the weather will be nice, and it will test if the antibacterial meds she gave me did the trick), waiting until Wednesday gives me 5 days post treatment. It also gets me past the milestone of when we lost our first pregnancy. And I'm not going to lie, that day encroaching makes me a complete wreck. If I could, I would just take off work from now until then and relax at a spa and try to get my mind off of it. Instead, my husband is in college full time and I have to work, so here I am, wearing business attire and dealing with stressful people. Such is life, I'm not complaining, just saying what I'd be doing if I was independently wealthy (I'd be sleeping right now).
So, with the rising anxiety levels I have taken two quarter days from work on the next two fridays to try and have a little ray of sunshine to look forward to. And I've also started trying to do my meditation program daily, it really does help! I find that doing it midday actually gives me the most relief. I've also consciously decided that I need to stop obsessing, so I've gotten out my animation/video editing equipment and will start trying to do some freelance/volunteer work.
I scheduled a second opinion appointment for February 29th, which I need to decide if I want to keep. My doctor has done nothing wrong, but I also feel like we're entering the second trimester and I still have a lot of questions, and sitting in her office, as much as I love it, is EXTREMELY stressful. My heartrate rises and I relive what happened last time every time. I've also been going by myself, which I think my add to that. I know I need to man up and get over it, but as my husband says, I think I have a form of PTSD that only angel mamas can understand in this setting. Anyways, they sent the paperwork, and I guess it can't hurt to go see him. I just don't want my regular OB to know, because it has nothing to do with her--I really do love working with her, and she is super helpful and wants this to be successful. So maybe I am answering my own questions here, and should cancel. We'll see.
Okay so -- I got some gummy Omega 3s because I realzied my Rainbow Lite Prenatals did not have DHA. The expensive fancy stuff apparently makes me puke, so that had to end a few weeks ago. I also got fiber gummies, because I will tell you, the struggle is real sometimes. I'm taking those, along with Prometrium and Flagyl for the infection.
I read on some boards that even the oral prometrium should be used vaginally. I want to do a little more research on this and talk to the pharmacy technician. Apparently doctors prescribe it orally, but it is better vaginally. I don't know what to think about that. My levels went up appropriately as-is, but I wonder if it would have helped the low levels in the beginning? something to investigate for sure.
I also am finding that I'm getting little teensy red spots on my body. I don't know if it's a reaction to the Flagyl, a reaction to milk -- which I had some of for the first time in 9 months Sunday - or a reaction to the Burts Bees Belly Butter I've been putting on my stomach. I really am a terrible scientist. I start a whole bunch of new things at once. When the baby gets here, we're going to have to be careful to not do that as we work on figuring out food allergies.
So, despite my anxiety and fear, I am letting myself start thinking about the possibility that we will have a tiny human in August. I was researching cloth diapers, and I think that is what we're going to do. I was reading the Cotton Babies page on Facebook last night, and apparently people recommend having 25-30 diapers per baby. We currently have 2, which means we'll need to get one a month for the next 9 months. I think that is a good shower gift, so maybe not that many, and we wouldn't use them immediately, because I think we'll be in a crazy fog the first three months. But yea, see? Positive, I am starting to be a LITTLE positive. And I'm always hopeful.
Tomorrow afternoon I will go do the Harmony testing, and we'll see how things rae progressing. Every day I don't gush bright red blood is a good day. And by this time last time I had been having pink spottting daily, and been in the ER once already.
So, deep breaths, lots of prayers, warm relaxing baths, and lots of rest. As we move forward into this crazy second trimester.
-Emily
