It's been seven weeks now with our tiny human, and the world has shifted. Significantly.
I can't even explain how different things are, and I'm not sure it's worth trying. You will understand when you have children, or you already have children and you know what I mean.
There is a clear divide between pre and post baby, and it's like a whole separate life, and a whole different me. And to be honest, this new life is wonderfully scary. I'm not going to sugar-coat the mourning. I miss my 'freedom' and ability to do what I wanted when I wanted. If I could go back in time I would tell myself to take better advantage of that freedom. Now, everything is calculated and planned. Everything has to coordinate with the baby. And that's okay. It's also just exhausting.
She consumes our world and our energy. And I love that. I love having a purpose. She has given me new reasons to breathe.
I am also experimenting with my "mother's inutition". I've limited my board searching (to mostly POAS boards where women from my birth month pee on sticks to see if they're already pregnant. I do this not to judge, but partly out of jealousy. I miss being pregnant!!) We're doing this with our own instincts, and I think things have been running more smoothly.
She has a milk allergy, so we use Nutramigen. Everyone keeps telling us she'll get off the Nutramigen and onto regular formula soon. But you know what? She's gaining weight and happier than she's ever been. So I'm not worrying about switching her. She is allergic to my milk (dairy). So I am pumping and freezing while we get her leveled out. Eventually she'll get the breast milk, but for now, her baby acne and eczema has cleared up without my milk. We also have her on Aquafor and Eucerin baths. Poor thing has skin like her parents.
She's also tall (23") weighs 11.9 lbs and is a "mover" according to her pediatrician. She's rolling over from tummy to back and likes to hold her head up on her own. She rolls off of us when we're doing skin to skin.
She's amazing!!
So some fun products I'm trying -
We're installing our diaper sprayer, so I get to start using cloth as soon as it's functional! We have about 20 all in one diapers, so I'm hoping that will get us through two days, and then disposables at night. We got the bumkins sprayer, and I just need some pieces for the toilet connector and then we can start that. Yesterday I ordered her the new GroVia O.N.E. Onyx Stripe diaper. So far my favorite diapers are GroVia, Lalabye, and Thirsties. Blueberry too, but they seem to fit better when she's a little bigger. They just look all bunched up.
I also got her a SweeTooth teether. She's not teething according to the ped, but she chews on our fingers and fingernails and is drooling nonstop. So I wanted to have it for when she's ready for it.
I also got the new Ju-Ju-Be Chrome Be Classy bag as a purse for me when I go back to work. I've been using the BFF as her diaper bag and LOVE it. It's a big splurge, but I want to feel professional and 'together' when I go back to work. And that's a big step towards that. Before going back to work I need to:
Organize the house
Get cloth diaper plan in place
Get new clothes for me
Organize my clothes and try to pick colors/patterns/styles that all go together
Get rid of stuff (seriously, I need to read my organization book)
Get makeup together to do at work since she won't let me do it here yet (takes too long)
Go to Golds Gym and get my morning makeup stuff out of my locker
Lots to do, and only 4 weeks left to do it. My heart is breaking that work starts so soon, but life must go on and paychecks must be made.
Going forward, I will be writing my blog on my mommy page about growing up. But I'll come here to post about health stuff for subchorionic hematomas.
This has been an epic journey... and we've only just begun.
XxemxX
Saturday, October 15, 2016
Tuesday, October 4, 2016
Fun Giveaway!
For anyone who is interested in babywearing (or even if you don't know what that is) check out Abby's Lane! It's this amazing boutique of fine baby items and I looove spending my money there.
This month they are giving away 30 Tula carriers, which are the top of the line carrier in awesome prints. You can try to win one, like I am! :)
#30DaysofTulasGiveaway!
http://
And even if you aren't into the baby wearing, check out AL just for their great products and incredible customer service. You will not be disappointed.
*Stepping off promotional soap box*
This month they are giving away 30 Tula carriers, which are the top of the line carrier in awesome prints. You can try to win one, like I am! :)
#30DaysofTulasGiveaway!
http://
And even if you aren't into the baby wearing, check out AL just for their great products and incredible customer service. You will not be disappointed.
*Stepping off promotional soap box*
Saturday, October 1, 2016
A month (or so) out... Reflections
Well, here we are - October 1st. My first real chance to blog since we got home at the end of August. Where the hell did a whole month go? It seemingly got gobbled up by diapers, bottles, screaming infant cries and a whole lot of healing on my part. There is so much I could say, and yet, so much I have forgotten.
Next Friday is my 6 week check up with my OB when we are cleared for "normal" life.And also when I will find out if I can have more children. I am probably dreading that question more than anything else. The answer will significantly change my future. However, after doing some research about Post Partum Hemmorage (PPH), it seems as though the uterus is an incredible organ that can heal itself. So I am hoping everything is going to be okay. Now, the idea of another baby seems crazy right now - the financial impact, the sleepless nights, the missing of 'normalcy' with my husband - but... at the same time, I have this feeling, no, knowledge, that our family is not complete yet. That there is still another person who we need to meet.
Anyways, I'm now a month and a half into motherhood. And the road has been admittedly rocky. I am in love with this new version of me. And trust me, it is a NEW version of me. What new mothers don't understand, despite being told it a billion times, is that motherhood changes you. And honestly, I Think it's for the better. I have found this deep well of strength and love that I honestly never knew existed. There is also a new calmness in my DNA that didn't exist before. A sense of 'pause'. I will handle things. "This too shall pass." has never meant more to me. I LOVE being a mommy.
Though I will admit, I'm not the best at it. And that's not 'mom guilt' talking. I truly mourn the loss of my old life and freedoms. I miss being able to go where I please, do what I choose and answer to no one. This is so different now. This tiny human, she needs me. And I love LOVE it, but it is also a total adjustment. We have figured out a new normal. And it makes me a person who is more still, and yet more active than ever before. A strange mix.
And yet, there is no other way I would want to live right now. No other life I could possibly imagine than being a mom to this person. It is so perfectly me.
Anyways, there was a lot that happened in five weeks, but I will try to summarize to the best of my ability.
The first two weeks home are a blur. Honestly, they're mostly lost to me. The combination of percocet, anemia, and just general healing left me pretty dazed. From what I hear, my husband did a lot of things I had no idea were happening. Midnight feedings, baby care, etc. I did my best, but I know I wasn't 100% there.
I had horrible chills throughout the night and during the day. I needed a heating pad most of the time and three layers of clothing. I had terrible aches in my back and legs, the swelling took two weeks to go down. Luckily, my lady bits were not as destroyed as some of my fellow mamas. But it could have just been the narcotics helping me ignore the pain ;)
My teeth hurt, like when you eat too much sugar. My head was fuzzy. I had a lot of cramps. Bleeding. Not a ton of clots. Like I said, a lot of those first two weeks are gone. The chills were the worst, though. And on top of it, I got sick. My doctor prescribed a z-pack which helped immensely. I had no voice for two weeks. It was pretty terrible. And to top it off, my baby was pretty unhappy. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I wish I had done more research about nursing. Because it went terribly. We were supplementing with formula because my body was just not up to the task of producing enough. I could (and still can) only make about 1 ounce every two hours or so. I think she'd survive on it, and might even increase production over time, but she certainly wouldn't have thrived. So now we supplement and I feed her as often as possible and pump every three hours.
This child is either allergic to milk, or just a diva (we're pretty sure it's the milk), because she would scream after every meal - and sometimes just in general. So now we are on the uber-pricey Nutramigen. My best laid plans of breastfeeding and cloth diapering to help budget are pretty much out the window. The diapers might still happen, but since we are now not only feeding formula, but it's the MOST EXPENSIVE formula out there, I am just resigning myself to the fact that we're going t be broke forever. But hey, she can eat now, not scream, and has regular poops. And for her, I'd do anything to make her feel good. '
There is something so heartbreaking about not being able to feed your child. It was absolutely the hardest thing to deal with when we first got home. And even now, I feel like a failure for it. But my breasts just weren't cut out to make buffet meals. They never increased in size through pregnancy, and even when my milk came in. Before the end of the year I will be going to see an endocrinologist and a hematologist because apparently Thyroid issues can hurt milk production. And I now think I have a bleeding disorder, not a clotting disorder, that I want to be tested for. Mental note - go get appointments booked!
For other new moms who struggle with breastfeeding, or who are wanting to nurse - I recommend doing some research before you give birth so you know what to expect and what is normal. And how to 'increase supply' when you feel like you aren't making enough and everyone is telling you to supplement.
That all being said - feed your babies. There is no award for best mom. You just have to figure it all out and get through it. Your child will love you if you don't breastfeed. I promise. (my baby loves eating so much that she sucks down nutamigen, even thought it tastes and smells like rotting milk!)
So, coping with my failure as a milk cow was tough. But I'm getting over it. And learning how to make this little girl a happy healthy baby. She loves being held. She loves holding her head up. She is also somewhat indpeendent (for an infant). Sometimes, she just wants to lay down alone and not be messed with. She sleeps in her Pack N Play newborn napper like a champ. Anywhere from 3-4 hours at a time. The 5 am wake up is still hard on me (I NEED my sleep...) but we're getting better.
I read a great article that says "it doesn't get easier, you get better at it". And I am taking it to heart. I am getting better. I'm getting good at it. I still have my moments, and panic, and freak out, but we're learning together. I told my husband last night I feel like a little kid who is playing dress up with her mommy's clothing. The house, the baby, the responsiblities. I do not always feel like I can do it all. But I look around and realize, everyone must feel this way sometimes. Because it's just life. And you learn as you go.
So now that we are starting to 'get it', I am debating starting an entirely new blog about my parenting adventures as a working mom. Still undecided. But debating it. I will continue to update this blog with health issues revolving around hematomas. Because I think it's so important and any subsequent pregnancies will be logged here. But... i think it's time to start a new chapter.
My heart is full .And while I miss my son, I learned so much from my time with him. And I will love him forever. And this little girl is even more appreciated because we know the magnitude of what was lost,
And how appropriate on the firs day of October - the month of miscarriage awareness. We've come full circle. What a year and a half this has been. The amount I've learned and grown and changed... it's beyond even me to see the magnitude of the change and growth.
And one thing I take away from it all? Love. Just, sheer unadulterated love. That I didn't know I was capable of. And in so many new ways. For my lost son, for my giving husband, for my perfect daughter. For those around me - a new compassion I've never felt before. A sense of peace and belonging.
So much has changed, and yet, mostly it's just me who has changed.
Alright, it's Saturday and this little tot needs to get up and out so we sleep tonight. More coming as I think of any details essential to record.
-Emily
Next Friday is my 6 week check up with my OB when we are cleared for "normal" life.And also when I will find out if I can have more children. I am probably dreading that question more than anything else. The answer will significantly change my future. However, after doing some research about Post Partum Hemmorage (PPH), it seems as though the uterus is an incredible organ that can heal itself. So I am hoping everything is going to be okay. Now, the idea of another baby seems crazy right now - the financial impact, the sleepless nights, the missing of 'normalcy' with my husband - but... at the same time, I have this feeling, no, knowledge, that our family is not complete yet. That there is still another person who we need to meet.
Anyways, I'm now a month and a half into motherhood. And the road has been admittedly rocky. I am in love with this new version of me. And trust me, it is a NEW version of me. What new mothers don't understand, despite being told it a billion times, is that motherhood changes you. And honestly, I Think it's for the better. I have found this deep well of strength and love that I honestly never knew existed. There is also a new calmness in my DNA that didn't exist before. A sense of 'pause'. I will handle things. "This too shall pass." has never meant more to me. I LOVE being a mommy.
Though I will admit, I'm not the best at it. And that's not 'mom guilt' talking. I truly mourn the loss of my old life and freedoms. I miss being able to go where I please, do what I choose and answer to no one. This is so different now. This tiny human, she needs me. And I love LOVE it, but it is also a total adjustment. We have figured out a new normal. And it makes me a person who is more still, and yet more active than ever before. A strange mix.
And yet, there is no other way I would want to live right now. No other life I could possibly imagine than being a mom to this person. It is so perfectly me.
Anyways, there was a lot that happened in five weeks, but I will try to summarize to the best of my ability.
The first two weeks home are a blur. Honestly, they're mostly lost to me. The combination of percocet, anemia, and just general healing left me pretty dazed. From what I hear, my husband did a lot of things I had no idea were happening. Midnight feedings, baby care, etc. I did my best, but I know I wasn't 100% there.
I had horrible chills throughout the night and during the day. I needed a heating pad most of the time and three layers of clothing. I had terrible aches in my back and legs, the swelling took two weeks to go down. Luckily, my lady bits were not as destroyed as some of my fellow mamas. But it could have just been the narcotics helping me ignore the pain ;)
My teeth hurt, like when you eat too much sugar. My head was fuzzy. I had a lot of cramps. Bleeding. Not a ton of clots. Like I said, a lot of those first two weeks are gone. The chills were the worst, though. And on top of it, I got sick. My doctor prescribed a z-pack which helped immensely. I had no voice for two weeks. It was pretty terrible. And to top it off, my baby was pretty unhappy. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I wish I had done more research about nursing. Because it went terribly. We were supplementing with formula because my body was just not up to the task of producing enough. I could (and still can) only make about 1 ounce every two hours or so. I think she'd survive on it, and might even increase production over time, but she certainly wouldn't have thrived. So now we supplement and I feed her as often as possible and pump every three hours.
This child is either allergic to milk, or just a diva (we're pretty sure it's the milk), because she would scream after every meal - and sometimes just in general. So now we are on the uber-pricey Nutramigen. My best laid plans of breastfeeding and cloth diapering to help budget are pretty much out the window. The diapers might still happen, but since we are now not only feeding formula, but it's the MOST EXPENSIVE formula out there, I am just resigning myself to the fact that we're going t be broke forever. But hey, she can eat now, not scream, and has regular poops. And for her, I'd do anything to make her feel good. '
There is something so heartbreaking about not being able to feed your child. It was absolutely the hardest thing to deal with when we first got home. And even now, I feel like a failure for it. But my breasts just weren't cut out to make buffet meals. They never increased in size through pregnancy, and even when my milk came in. Before the end of the year I will be going to see an endocrinologist and a hematologist because apparently Thyroid issues can hurt milk production. And I now think I have a bleeding disorder, not a clotting disorder, that I want to be tested for. Mental note - go get appointments booked!
For other new moms who struggle with breastfeeding, or who are wanting to nurse - I recommend doing some research before you give birth so you know what to expect and what is normal. And how to 'increase supply' when you feel like you aren't making enough and everyone is telling you to supplement.
That all being said - feed your babies. There is no award for best mom. You just have to figure it all out and get through it. Your child will love you if you don't breastfeed. I promise. (my baby loves eating so much that she sucks down nutamigen, even thought it tastes and smells like rotting milk!)
So, coping with my failure as a milk cow was tough. But I'm getting over it. And learning how to make this little girl a happy healthy baby. She loves being held. She loves holding her head up. She is also somewhat indpeendent (for an infant). Sometimes, she just wants to lay down alone and not be messed with. She sleeps in her Pack N Play newborn napper like a champ. Anywhere from 3-4 hours at a time. The 5 am wake up is still hard on me (I NEED my sleep...) but we're getting better.
I read a great article that says "it doesn't get easier, you get better at it". And I am taking it to heart. I am getting better. I'm getting good at it. I still have my moments, and panic, and freak out, but we're learning together. I told my husband last night I feel like a little kid who is playing dress up with her mommy's clothing. The house, the baby, the responsiblities. I do not always feel like I can do it all. But I look around and realize, everyone must feel this way sometimes. Because it's just life. And you learn as you go.
So now that we are starting to 'get it', I am debating starting an entirely new blog about my parenting adventures as a working mom. Still undecided. But debating it. I will continue to update this blog with health issues revolving around hematomas. Because I think it's so important and any subsequent pregnancies will be logged here. But... i think it's time to start a new chapter.
My heart is full .And while I miss my son, I learned so much from my time with him. And I will love him forever. And this little girl is even more appreciated because we know the magnitude of what was lost,
And how appropriate on the firs day of October - the month of miscarriage awareness. We've come full circle. What a year and a half this has been. The amount I've learned and grown and changed... it's beyond even me to see the magnitude of the change and growth.
And one thing I take away from it all? Love. Just, sheer unadulterated love. That I didn't know I was capable of. And in so many new ways. For my lost son, for my giving husband, for my perfect daughter. For those around me - a new compassion I've never felt before. A sense of peace and belonging.
So much has changed, and yet, mostly it's just me who has changed.
Alright, it's Saturday and this little tot needs to get up and out so we sleep tonight. More coming as I think of any details essential to record.
-Emily
Next Day
We woke up the next morning to my OB checking my stitches and bleeding. She removed all of the gauze packing and it looked like the bleeding had stopped. Hooray! She had requested to keep me in L&D just in case, so once she checked me out we were cleared to move to postpartum recovery. The whole day Friday was spent moving us into our new room and getting settled. Luckily, no one tried to visit us on Friday, because we were dazed and confused and still in a little shock.
Once we got into the new room, it felt like things settled. My BP was still too low, and hemoglobin level kept dropping. (13 when we arrived, 11 after labor, 9 that night, and it hung around 9 the whole time in the hospital).
Since the way things work at our local hospitals is you get 2 days after a vaginal birth, we were planning to be discharged Saturday. Which seemed insane, as we only had one night in this new room. But that is the way it works. To be honest, this period of time is both a complete blur and also acutely clear in my mind. I remember flashes of things and nothing. I did know one thing - I was happy to have nurses around. They took care of the baby so well. She LOVED her nurse Brittany. And they took care of me physically and emotionally. The nurses were ... angels. I know that seems extreme, but they made the whole experience so wonderful.
Also, hospital food? Amazing.
So, we did what most new parents probably do - try to get used to this tiny human being there 24/7. We also tried nursing.
I will tell you (now that I'm 3 weeks out) that I wish I had done more research about nursing before going into this. I had hoped/expected my body to just happily feed the baby. It's not always that easy, though. Especially when you have small, misshapen breasts.
After my doctor did rounds on Saturday, they decided to keep me another night for monitoring. Since I was the patient now, not the baby, the baby was discharged! So Saturday night, baby girl and my husband were my "guests" and stayed in my room.
That was a trip. It really hit us what was happening that night. I am very grateful our first "alone" night with the baby was in the hospital. I was a mess, so it was nice having some extra support!
Sunday morning my left leg was extremely swollen, so they did a scan due to my family's history with Deep Vein Thrombosis. Everything was cleared, and we were told we could go. We packed up and were discharged.
It was so surreal packing up and putting baby girl in her carseat. I was awkward and fumbled with it while my husband pulled the car around. The nurse tried to help as best she could (they aren't allowed to help really). Her name was Courtney, and she was so wonderful to us. Her calm, soothing demeanor kept both of us pretty sane.
Thank God for nurses...
Before long, we were in the Ford Focus and on our way home with our newborn.
Life as we knew it was over, and a new chapter had begun.
-Em
Once we got into the new room, it felt like things settled. My BP was still too low, and hemoglobin level kept dropping. (13 when we arrived, 11 after labor, 9 that night, and it hung around 9 the whole time in the hospital).
Since the way things work at our local hospitals is you get 2 days after a vaginal birth, we were planning to be discharged Saturday. Which seemed insane, as we only had one night in this new room. But that is the way it works. To be honest, this period of time is both a complete blur and also acutely clear in my mind. I remember flashes of things and nothing. I did know one thing - I was happy to have nurses around. They took care of the baby so well. She LOVED her nurse Brittany. And they took care of me physically and emotionally. The nurses were ... angels. I know that seems extreme, but they made the whole experience so wonderful.
Also, hospital food? Amazing.
So, we did what most new parents probably do - try to get used to this tiny human being there 24/7. We also tried nursing.
I will tell you (now that I'm 3 weeks out) that I wish I had done more research about nursing before going into this. I had hoped/expected my body to just happily feed the baby. It's not always that easy, though. Especially when you have small, misshapen breasts.
After my doctor did rounds on Saturday, they decided to keep me another night for monitoring. Since I was the patient now, not the baby, the baby was discharged! So Saturday night, baby girl and my husband were my "guests" and stayed in my room.
That was a trip. It really hit us what was happening that night. I am very grateful our first "alone" night with the baby was in the hospital. I was a mess, so it was nice having some extra support!
Sunday morning my left leg was extremely swollen, so they did a scan due to my family's history with Deep Vein Thrombosis. Everything was cleared, and we were told we could go. We packed up and were discharged.
It was so surreal packing up and putting baby girl in her carseat. I was awkward and fumbled with it while my husband pulled the car around. The nurse tried to help as best she could (they aren't allowed to help really). Her name was Courtney, and she was so wonderful to us. Her calm, soothing demeanor kept both of us pretty sane.
Thank God for nurses...
Before long, we were in the Ford Focus and on our way home with our newborn.
Life as we knew it was over, and a new chapter had begun.
-Em
Sunday, September 11, 2016
Signed, sealed, delivered, I'm yours -
I'm sure there are people in my life who consider me a hypochondriac/worrier of grandiose proportions. Sure, I'll agree, I have my insecurities. But to say our birth story was anything short of traumatic would be a gross understatement. Before I dive into details (because they're already getting fuzzy, and I want to remember), I will say that baby is perfect, and the "I've never known love like this" emotion is a real thing...
We were called in for induction at 2:30am on August 23, 2016. I had been checked the day before and was at 2cm dilated, but my cervix was still thick and baby hadn't fully dropped. But with the GD, we weren't going past our due date of the 26th, so after discussing with our doctor, we decided to induce. Our goal was a vaginal birth - we wanted to avoid the c-section if at all possible because of my weight. I don't have anything against sections, or RCS, my doctor was just worried about wound breakdown, and with my pelvis shape we thought we could get her out on her own. The shoulder problems were still a question mark, but after weighing the options we wanted to try vaginal first.
Cue the Cytotec.
First dose of Cytotec was inserted later that morning, and they hooked me up to a saline drip. I was able to move around, but the wireless monitors were broken so I was forced to stay in about a 10' radius. (Almost everything in my room was broken - bed, wireless monitors, thermometer...) The resident OBGYN and her intern did the first dose of cytotec, and I think the pill didn't make it all the way up to the cervix. Later we would discover I was only dilating on the outside, not the inside of my cervix. We went to 'sleep' and would be checked in four hours to check progress.
Four hours later - cervix still hard, still at 2cm. No progress. Second round of Cytotec and they started me on a Pitocin drip. Contractions started coming irregularly. The external monitor wasn't extremely accurate, and we weren't getting measurements if I had to get up to use the bathroom. But I was starting to contract. This wasn't pleasant, but also not extremely painful. Four hours went by and again, no progress. So we decided to try a foley bulb.
Ladies. I can honestly tell you that in my 28 years of life I've never experienced anything as painful as a foley bulb.
What is it? It's a rubber 'balloon' shoved up your vagina past your cervix that is inflated once in position. They tie a 'stem' it's connected to to your leg and pull it out further manually every 30 minutes with the hopes of dilating you to a 4 or a 5. By now I was having killer back labor (oh, btw, baby girl was still turned sideways and that back labor is no joke. The pain of contractions were 100% happening in my back. Not like anyone describes them (hips to front in a tightening painful motion.) Oh no, back labor is like if someone is taking a blunt dagger and repeatedly digging it into your lower spine.) But I digress.
The foley bulb was misery. I almost threw up in pain (never happened to me before) and I just about broke my husbands hands. But, about an hour and a half later, it finally came out. ... I was dilated to a 3.
At this point, my doctor came to check on things, and I told her I wasn't able to move around because of the censors. She quickly remedied that and I could start sitting on the ball and laboring more naturally -- that is what helped immensely.
After all this and no progress, we assumed we were destined for a c-section, But my doctor is AMAZING and said "let's take a break". So we cut the Pitocin drip, did another Cytotec and were told to relax for the night. That was our saving grace. Without that break we'd have never made it vaginally, and a section would have been exhausting. We closed out the night watching South Park and trying to sleep.
The next day (Thurs August 25)
My cervix FINALLY started softening!! WIth that news, we started Pitocin again.
However, water wasn't broken. SO my doctor decided that was our next step. The resident on-call was scheduled to come break my water, which terrified me for some reason - probably because of the stories I've heard about the hook they use - so I bounced on my ball ferociously. Resigned to the fact it was happening, I relaxed and felt a semi-painful POP and gush of fluids. Bloody fluids. My water broke on its own!! After that, shit got real. (I also think baby girl finally twisted her head and got into place. Before this she was facing to th right - thank you baby, for the back labor love you!! ;) )
After my water broke the Pitocin (now about 2 bags in) started doing its job and the contractions were getting strong and painful. So my doctor said I could have an epidural. The epidural guy and I had a bit of a misunderstanding so he went in a bit far to the left, and the entire time my right side wasn't very "epiduraled" (as they don't really go numb). The cold sensation from the drugs going down the tube taped to my spine was by far the weirdest sensation of this whole adventure. I felt like a robot with a cooling system - and no legs.
Around this time, we had a new nurse come in. She wasn't assigned to me, but her coworkers were busy with a delivery so she filled in. I loved Sherri so much. We asked her to stay with us for delivery. Luckily my OB agreed. Sherri had seen some labors, she was calm, collected, and experienced. I felt very comfortable with her. All of the nurses were AMAZING, but some stand out, and she was one of them. I actually say that the reason we were able to have this baby vaginally is because of Sherri, who really took care of me. And also used the peanut ball to help me dilate. I can't say enough thank yous to this woman.
Alright, so now I'm drugged up, using the peanut ball (literally just an exercise ball shaped like a peanut) between my knees trying to encourage baby to make her way. Still dilated to 3cm. But finally able to relax. My husband and I watched Miss Congeniality. lol
Later that day, I started feeling off. I assumed it was my blood sugar. They were monitoring it every 4 hours, but I hadn't had breakfast, and the epidural meant I could only have soda, juice or frozen juice. I was not a happy camper, but no one could really do anything. Eventually, I started having chills. And then my blood pressure bottomed out.
It was really bad. I can honestly say that the only time I was extremely worried about my life was lying on this table, unable to move or eat, and watching my blood pressure drop to 60/40. The resident doctor was in the room eventually and helped to get my bp back up. It took about 4 doses of... some drug? What I realize now that I didn't know then is that I had started hemmoraghing. I believe the placenta / sack had started to tear away from my uterus and blood was filling up in there. I kept feeling pressure and thought it was baby's head, but everyone told me no way - i Was hardly dilated.
Finally, after stopping shaking and my BP regulated (to about 90/45) I made the nurse check me, and there was a head!! They put in internal monitors for baby since she was having decels. And they called my doctor.
What we found out later is that my doctor had decided we were going to do a c-section at that point. When the nurse called her to say she felt a head she didn't believe the nurse!! They told her to get there ASAP. She was going to be there in 30 minutes, but she really didn't have that long,because baby girl was coming! I could feel her head every time I contracted! It was surreal!!
When my doctor got to the room she double-checked, and sure enough there was head. I just remember the nurse saying "Get your gown on!" frantically. As soon as they were ready, we got my legs up and did a 'practice push'. Baby crowned and then two pushes later and she was OUT!!! My husband said she shot out into my doctor's hands. Everyone cheered at a FTM giving birth in 2 pushes, my doctor was so excited, the nurse said she hadn't seen anything like it, and another nurse said she wanted a labor as easy as mine!
They put my baby on my chest and she screamed her little head off. And settled a bit. She was covered in vernix and so disgusting but I couldn't quite believe I made this tiny human. She didn't look a thing like me- she looked just like her daddy! The cord was so long that the doctor thought they cut it and they hadn't. We donated the cord blood and were able to let it stop pulsing before cutting it. My husband didn't want to cut the cord, so the nurse did. And everything was perfect. My doctor was stitching up my second degree tear and I had skin-to-skin like we wanted. It was freaking magical!
And then my doctor's face changed and she told Dylan to go over to the warming table and "take care of the baby". At that point about 10 additional people came in (after several harried calls were made to selected residents). And the room changed.
Part 3 - Blood
We went in on Tuesday jokingly saying we would keep track of how many people had their hands in my vagina. We were at about 6 when all hell broke loose, and honestly, I am guessing after labor and delivery the number is larger than 10.
I just kept bleeding. There was so much blood. My doctor couldn't get it to stop. She called in residents and the house doctor for consultation and help. They tried stitching my torn uterus, but there was "Nothing to stitch it to". Seriously, those words were spoken. Transfusion blood was ordered and they put me back on Pit to help the uterus contract (how they typically get bleeding to stop). Nothing was working. I Just kept seeing them pull lap pads out of me. I felt like an episode of Greys Anatomy. It was surreal. I can't think of a better word to describe it than that.
My doctor kept saying "how are you doing, emily?" "are you alright?" i felt okay. I just stared at my husband and baby and watched as they did her footprints and cleaned her up. She was so small, and yet so fierce. 8 lbs 9 ounces. 21.5" long. In the 99th percentile for cranial circumference and height. And she was absolutely perfect. Her cries were so loud and demanding. I just focused on them. They got the baby swaddled and my husband had her and was sitting in the corner watching everything.
My doctor also asked if I had any history of clotting (uhhh.... seriously?) and if I had heavy periods as a kid (still do.) At my five week follow up, I will be asking her more about those questions. At the time, I just rolled my eyes.
The doctors made sure all of the placenta had been removed, and were trying to get me to stop bleeding. Sherri and the nurses got more meds that cause bleeding to stop. And they put a new line in me for the blood transfusion, which, luckily, didn't happen. My doctor finally decided to put in pads. Seriously, they stuffed me like a turkey. I think there were over 20 lap pads in me. The hope was I would stop bleeding on my own, since they couldn't do anything.
Once the blood stopped oozing, they cleaned me up, packed me up, and cleaned up the room. There was blood everywhere. On the counters, on the floor. On the bed. Like magic, everyone seemed to disappear. Maybe shock took over? All I remember was being told I was full of gauze and we'd check it in the morning to see if we had to go to OR to fix me. OH, and that I could FINALLY eat something light.
... to be continued
We were called in for induction at 2:30am on August 23, 2016. I had been checked the day before and was at 2cm dilated, but my cervix was still thick and baby hadn't fully dropped. But with the GD, we weren't going past our due date of the 26th, so after discussing with our doctor, we decided to induce. Our goal was a vaginal birth - we wanted to avoid the c-section if at all possible because of my weight. I don't have anything against sections, or RCS, my doctor was just worried about wound breakdown, and with my pelvis shape we thought we could get her out on her own. The shoulder problems were still a question mark, but after weighing the options we wanted to try vaginal first.
Cue the Cytotec.
First dose of Cytotec was inserted later that morning, and they hooked me up to a saline drip. I was able to move around, but the wireless monitors were broken so I was forced to stay in about a 10' radius. (Almost everything in my room was broken - bed, wireless monitors, thermometer...) The resident OBGYN and her intern did the first dose of cytotec, and I think the pill didn't make it all the way up to the cervix. Later we would discover I was only dilating on the outside, not the inside of my cervix. We went to 'sleep' and would be checked in four hours to check progress.
Four hours later - cervix still hard, still at 2cm. No progress. Second round of Cytotec and they started me on a Pitocin drip. Contractions started coming irregularly. The external monitor wasn't extremely accurate, and we weren't getting measurements if I had to get up to use the bathroom. But I was starting to contract. This wasn't pleasant, but also not extremely painful. Four hours went by and again, no progress. So we decided to try a foley bulb.
Ladies. I can honestly tell you that in my 28 years of life I've never experienced anything as painful as a foley bulb.
What is it? It's a rubber 'balloon' shoved up your vagina past your cervix that is inflated once in position. They tie a 'stem' it's connected to to your leg and pull it out further manually every 30 minutes with the hopes of dilating you to a 4 or a 5. By now I was having killer back labor (oh, btw, baby girl was still turned sideways and that back labor is no joke. The pain of contractions were 100% happening in my back. Not like anyone describes them (hips to front in a tightening painful motion.) Oh no, back labor is like if someone is taking a blunt dagger and repeatedly digging it into your lower spine.) But I digress.
The foley bulb was misery. I almost threw up in pain (never happened to me before) and I just about broke my husbands hands. But, about an hour and a half later, it finally came out. ... I was dilated to a 3.
At this point, my doctor came to check on things, and I told her I wasn't able to move around because of the censors. She quickly remedied that and I could start sitting on the ball and laboring more naturally -- that is what helped immensely.
After all this and no progress, we assumed we were destined for a c-section, But my doctor is AMAZING and said "let's take a break". So we cut the Pitocin drip, did another Cytotec and were told to relax for the night. That was our saving grace. Without that break we'd have never made it vaginally, and a section would have been exhausting. We closed out the night watching South Park and trying to sleep.
The next day (Thurs August 25)
My cervix FINALLY started softening!! WIth that news, we started Pitocin again.
However, water wasn't broken. SO my doctor decided that was our next step. The resident on-call was scheduled to come break my water, which terrified me for some reason - probably because of the stories I've heard about the hook they use - so I bounced on my ball ferociously. Resigned to the fact it was happening, I relaxed and felt a semi-painful POP and gush of fluids. Bloody fluids. My water broke on its own!! After that, shit got real. (I also think baby girl finally twisted her head and got into place. Before this she was facing to th right - thank you baby, for the back labor love you!! ;) )
After my water broke the Pitocin (now about 2 bags in) started doing its job and the contractions were getting strong and painful. So my doctor said I could have an epidural. The epidural guy and I had a bit of a misunderstanding so he went in a bit far to the left, and the entire time my right side wasn't very "epiduraled" (as they don't really go numb). The cold sensation from the drugs going down the tube taped to my spine was by far the weirdest sensation of this whole adventure. I felt like a robot with a cooling system - and no legs.
Around this time, we had a new nurse come in. She wasn't assigned to me, but her coworkers were busy with a delivery so she filled in. I loved Sherri so much. We asked her to stay with us for delivery. Luckily my OB agreed. Sherri had seen some labors, she was calm, collected, and experienced. I felt very comfortable with her. All of the nurses were AMAZING, but some stand out, and she was one of them. I actually say that the reason we were able to have this baby vaginally is because of Sherri, who really took care of me. And also used the peanut ball to help me dilate. I can't say enough thank yous to this woman.
Alright, so now I'm drugged up, using the peanut ball (literally just an exercise ball shaped like a peanut) between my knees trying to encourage baby to make her way. Still dilated to 3cm. But finally able to relax. My husband and I watched Miss Congeniality. lol
Later that day, I started feeling off. I assumed it was my blood sugar. They were monitoring it every 4 hours, but I hadn't had breakfast, and the epidural meant I could only have soda, juice or frozen juice. I was not a happy camper, but no one could really do anything. Eventually, I started having chills. And then my blood pressure bottomed out.
It was really bad. I can honestly say that the only time I was extremely worried about my life was lying on this table, unable to move or eat, and watching my blood pressure drop to 60/40. The resident doctor was in the room eventually and helped to get my bp back up. It took about 4 doses of... some drug? What I realize now that I didn't know then is that I had started hemmoraghing. I believe the placenta / sack had started to tear away from my uterus and blood was filling up in there. I kept feeling pressure and thought it was baby's head, but everyone told me no way - i Was hardly dilated.
Finally, after stopping shaking and my BP regulated (to about 90/45) I made the nurse check me, and there was a head!! They put in internal monitors for baby since she was having decels. And they called my doctor.
What we found out later is that my doctor had decided we were going to do a c-section at that point. When the nurse called her to say she felt a head she didn't believe the nurse!! They told her to get there ASAP. She was going to be there in 30 minutes, but she really didn't have that long,because baby girl was coming! I could feel her head every time I contracted! It was surreal!!
When my doctor got to the room she double-checked, and sure enough there was head. I just remember the nurse saying "Get your gown on!" frantically. As soon as they were ready, we got my legs up and did a 'practice push'. Baby crowned and then two pushes later and she was OUT!!! My husband said she shot out into my doctor's hands. Everyone cheered at a FTM giving birth in 2 pushes, my doctor was so excited, the nurse said she hadn't seen anything like it, and another nurse said she wanted a labor as easy as mine!
They put my baby on my chest and she screamed her little head off. And settled a bit. She was covered in vernix and so disgusting but I couldn't quite believe I made this tiny human. She didn't look a thing like me- she looked just like her daddy! The cord was so long that the doctor thought they cut it and they hadn't. We donated the cord blood and were able to let it stop pulsing before cutting it. My husband didn't want to cut the cord, so the nurse did. And everything was perfect. My doctor was stitching up my second degree tear and I had skin-to-skin like we wanted. It was freaking magical!
And then my doctor's face changed and she told Dylan to go over to the warming table and "take care of the baby". At that point about 10 additional people came in (after several harried calls were made to selected residents). And the room changed.
Part 3 - Blood
We went in on Tuesday jokingly saying we would keep track of how many people had their hands in my vagina. We were at about 6 when all hell broke loose, and honestly, I am guessing after labor and delivery the number is larger than 10.
I just kept bleeding. There was so much blood. My doctor couldn't get it to stop. She called in residents and the house doctor for consultation and help. They tried stitching my torn uterus, but there was "Nothing to stitch it to". Seriously, those words were spoken. Transfusion blood was ordered and they put me back on Pit to help the uterus contract (how they typically get bleeding to stop). Nothing was working. I Just kept seeing them pull lap pads out of me. I felt like an episode of Greys Anatomy. It was surreal. I can't think of a better word to describe it than that.
My doctor kept saying "how are you doing, emily?" "are you alright?" i felt okay. I just stared at my husband and baby and watched as they did her footprints and cleaned her up. She was so small, and yet so fierce. 8 lbs 9 ounces. 21.5" long. In the 99th percentile for cranial circumference and height. And she was absolutely perfect. Her cries were so loud and demanding. I just focused on them. They got the baby swaddled and my husband had her and was sitting in the corner watching everything.
My doctor also asked if I had any history of clotting (uhhh.... seriously?) and if I had heavy periods as a kid (still do.) At my five week follow up, I will be asking her more about those questions. At the time, I just rolled my eyes.
The doctors made sure all of the placenta had been removed, and were trying to get me to stop bleeding. Sherri and the nurses got more meds that cause bleeding to stop. And they put a new line in me for the blood transfusion, which, luckily, didn't happen. My doctor finally decided to put in pads. Seriously, they stuffed me like a turkey. I think there were over 20 lap pads in me. The hope was I would stop bleeding on my own, since they couldn't do anything.
Once the blood stopped oozing, they cleaned me up, packed me up, and cleaned up the room. There was blood everywhere. On the counters, on the floor. On the bed. Like magic, everyone seemed to disappear. Maybe shock took over? All I remember was being told I was full of gauze and we'd check it in the morning to see if we had to go to OR to fix me. OH, and that I could FINALLY eat something light.
... to be continued
Monday, August 22, 2016
The final countdown...
We are being induced Wednesday night / Thursday morning... we are in the final three days. :O
Does it feel real yet? It doesn't for me! Today is my final appointment/cervical check/ NST. Depending on how that goes, we are scheduled for Wednesday night, as long as the hospital has room. My OB wants to get the dilation started that night, so that we deliver Thursday. She thinks it's going to take a while to get things moving, so we'll see... I'm not so sure. I am EXTREMELY sensitive to meds, so I have a feeling it won't take that long. But of course, I'm not the doctor.
I was thinking this baby was coming on her own Saturday. After our appointment friday I started losing my mucus plug, pretty sure it's almost completely gone. And I was having a lot of pressure. It mostly stopped yesterday/today. I am concerned she is so big/wrapped in her cord that it's going to complicate things. But I have faith in my hospital and doctor to get her through delivery safely.
Now we just need to get her alive until Thursday. I know that sounds crazy to have anxiety about that, but I also know with a GD diagnosis my placenta is going to deteriorate rather quickly as we get around that 40 week mark, she is getting bigger, and there are still things that can go wrong. So, praying we make it through the next two days calmly and stress free. We are still counting kicks. She was so crazy last night that today she's pretty quiet. So I'm glad we're going for the NST.
I will update after my appointment today if anything changes, and if not, then after we go through this crazy labor experience...
Also, work is insane. I am feeling very nervous about leaving, and having them think I am not important enough to bring back. I know that's not going to happen, but I am still nervous. That's normal I think. So when I get back in november I'm going to have to really knock it out of the park. And hope that nothing comes up while I'm out that is really, really horrible.
Sigh. So much on my mind. Come on, Wednesday. I'm taking the day off so I'll go get our carseat fitted properly and any last minute things done at the house. And rest in preparation. Am I nervous? for me and the baby, yes. For labor? a little. Mostly excited we made it, and that excitement is drowning out the fear for now.
-Em
Does it feel real yet? It doesn't for me! Today is my final appointment/cervical check/ NST. Depending on how that goes, we are scheduled for Wednesday night, as long as the hospital has room. My OB wants to get the dilation started that night, so that we deliver Thursday. She thinks it's going to take a while to get things moving, so we'll see... I'm not so sure. I am EXTREMELY sensitive to meds, so I have a feeling it won't take that long. But of course, I'm not the doctor.
I was thinking this baby was coming on her own Saturday. After our appointment friday I started losing my mucus plug, pretty sure it's almost completely gone. And I was having a lot of pressure. It mostly stopped yesterday/today. I am concerned she is so big/wrapped in her cord that it's going to complicate things. But I have faith in my hospital and doctor to get her through delivery safely.
Now we just need to get her alive until Thursday. I know that sounds crazy to have anxiety about that, but I also know with a GD diagnosis my placenta is going to deteriorate rather quickly as we get around that 40 week mark, she is getting bigger, and there are still things that can go wrong. So, praying we make it through the next two days calmly and stress free. We are still counting kicks. She was so crazy last night that today she's pretty quiet. So I'm glad we're going for the NST.
I will update after my appointment today if anything changes, and if not, then after we go through this crazy labor experience...
Also, work is insane. I am feeling very nervous about leaving, and having them think I am not important enough to bring back. I know that's not going to happen, but I am still nervous. That's normal I think. So when I get back in november I'm going to have to really knock it out of the park. And hope that nothing comes up while I'm out that is really, really horrible.
Sigh. So much on my mind. Come on, Wednesday. I'm taking the day off so I'll go get our carseat fitted properly and any last minute things done at the house. And rest in preparation. Am I nervous? for me and the baby, yes. For labor? a little. Mostly excited we made it, and that excitement is drowning out the fear for now.
-Em
Thursday, August 18, 2016
Something...?
So, last night I had a lot of rib/upper stomach pain, and upper back pain. It almost felt like a tightening/contraction. I read that could be a sign of Pre-E. I am debating calling the doctor today, but I have an appointment with her tomorrow, and no more of that type of pain.
Instead, I am not having EXTREME discomfort in my hips and pelvis. It almost feels like the baby is jackhammering down on my cervix, if that makes any sense. It comes and goes, and it's not really a contraction. I am hoping maybe she's dropping?
Still might call the OB. I know I was going to "call no matter what" this week, but as long as I feel baby moving, we are so close to our appointment, and talking to the OB practice on the phone is kind of just infuriating (I need a new OB next time I think, very uncomfortable still).
Anyways, my point is, hopefully this baby is dropping into my hips a bit, and we are getting closer to labor... Maybe?! Agggh
-Em
Instead, I am not having EXTREME discomfort in my hips and pelvis. It almost feels like the baby is jackhammering down on my cervix, if that makes any sense. It comes and goes, and it's not really a contraction. I am hoping maybe she's dropping?
Still might call the OB. I know I was going to "call no matter what" this week, but as long as I feel baby moving, we are so close to our appointment, and talking to the OB practice on the phone is kind of just infuriating (I need a new OB next time I think, very uncomfortable still).
Anyways, my point is, hopefully this baby is dropping into my hips a bit, and we are getting closer to labor... Maybe?! Agggh
-Em
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
Lazy Posting
I just read the title of my blog again. "Surviving a subchorionic hematoma."
Surviving.
That is what I have been doing for over a year now. Just... surviving. I haven't been living. I haven't been fully and truly living and enjoying my life. I've been so scared, cowering from the fear of pain, loss, grief. The fear that we're going to go through another cataclysmic event. I am surviving.
And surviving--that is important. Probably just as important as living, because no one goes from pure, earth-shaking, heart-wrenching grief to fully living. The surviving is the middle stage. I needed to learn how to survive again, because there were times where I wasn't sure how I could. And even now, with life turning around for us a bit, and a healthy baby kicking my ribs, the thought of LIVING seems like a far-off, distant possibility.
But I see it again. I see it in my future... there is a little light shining ahead of me, glowing in the distance, almost within my grasp. A light where dreams come true, hard work pays off, and happiness can be found. My fear is still muting it. Trust me, I'm terrified. And I don't know if I'll be able to breathe easily until I hear my daughter screaming, and find out she's healthy. I know that I've got at least another week left before I am able to start moving towards that light of living.
Do I regret getting pregnant so quickly after my loss? In some ways, I feel like she got robbed. In some ways, I wish we had waited a little longer to allow the healing to have gotten further along. But, could we have fully healed not knowing if we could do the one thing we want most? Complete our family? I honestly don't know. Waiting could have prolonged the suffering even more.
But here we are, on the dawn of a new chapter. In so many ways. I just got a promotion at work, I can finally believe and trust that things might be okay financially. We can afford a new roof once I pay off some debt, in a few months I'll be able to start fixing stuff around the house that have been put on hold (rock beds, de-weeding, fence mending, power washing, getting into the attic, painting...)
These are all little glimmers of hope. Of light. Of a future I can believe in again. Did this baby suffer? I don't think so. She certainly won't when she's here. My fear has not kept either of us from bonding with her. If anything, we are too attached, and I am more scared of that than anything else. She is probably the most loved child on the planet right now (yea, yea, you think your baby is, you are wrong ;) ). So did she suffer for it? No. Will she? No. She is part of my glimmer of light.
And even if something happens... at least I can know that through the darkness and from the ashes I can rise yet again. We are all able to be reborn. So we learned from childhood Sunday school, and so we experience over and over again. And while I'm just a little fledgling, I am starting to believe that life is good again. It's hard, and sad, and scary, and bad stuff happens. Yes, it does. But it doesn't ALWAYS have to be bad.
So, give me a few more days of "survival", and then, we'll move into the living portion, where I start pulling back the shades and dipping my toe into the pool of life again. That's the hope, that's what I pray for, and that's what we're working towards. While I have no control of anything, that's where I'm at right now. It's the only way I can accept the past 16 months.
Baby update - no real contractions, no more braxton hicks, no mucus plug, baby in my ribs. No real progress. guessing no more dilation (we were at 1 cm for two weeks). While this doesn't mean jack, it also definitely doesn't mean I am in labor, and that's what we're aiming for!
Next appointment is friday, where I will be asking to schedule an induction / c-section. Physically, I feel wonderful! Hips are alright, sleeping not great, but sleeping, I am hot and sweaty and smell bad, and I officially can't eat dairy anymore because it tastes horribly disgusting. But mentally? Mentally, i am exhausted. Mentally, I am drained. Mentally there isn't much left. Work is sucking up the majority of the stamina I have left, and baby stuff... don't even get me started. The waiting. The watching. The not knowing. My brain is just about at the end of its rope. So yea, while I could go two more weeks physically, I am pretty much burnt out emotionally, and that's a scary place to be. So I should have more information for the blog after my appointment Friday. Last Wednesday we were "1 and a wiggle cm" dilated, cervix long and firm, but coming 'forward'. BP was 130/80 (creeping up). My hands are numb and tingly and puffy from carpal tunnel, my feet are like sausages, but the baby isn't showing any signs of being ready. I am frustrated and upset at my doctor (probably mostly hormonal, because logically I know why my baby isn't here in my arms yet, wiggling around. but emotionally, I am so mad that she's not after months of hearing we'd go early).
Yea... it's a weird place to be. A true holding pattern. Like the planes that land in London, circling around the river Thames, watching the Eye spin around, and cars attempt to get through gridlock, and Big Ben standing proud over his city. I'm just up here watching, waiting, and praying. Hoping for the best, and looking forward to the future. Finally, a future with light I can see.
-Em
Surviving.
That is what I have been doing for over a year now. Just... surviving. I haven't been living. I haven't been fully and truly living and enjoying my life. I've been so scared, cowering from the fear of pain, loss, grief. The fear that we're going to go through another cataclysmic event. I am surviving.
And surviving--that is important. Probably just as important as living, because no one goes from pure, earth-shaking, heart-wrenching grief to fully living. The surviving is the middle stage. I needed to learn how to survive again, because there were times where I wasn't sure how I could. And even now, with life turning around for us a bit, and a healthy baby kicking my ribs, the thought of LIVING seems like a far-off, distant possibility.
But I see it again. I see it in my future... there is a little light shining ahead of me, glowing in the distance, almost within my grasp. A light where dreams come true, hard work pays off, and happiness can be found. My fear is still muting it. Trust me, I'm terrified. And I don't know if I'll be able to breathe easily until I hear my daughter screaming, and find out she's healthy. I know that I've got at least another week left before I am able to start moving towards that light of living.
Do I regret getting pregnant so quickly after my loss? In some ways, I feel like she got robbed. In some ways, I wish we had waited a little longer to allow the healing to have gotten further along. But, could we have fully healed not knowing if we could do the one thing we want most? Complete our family? I honestly don't know. Waiting could have prolonged the suffering even more.
But here we are, on the dawn of a new chapter. In so many ways. I just got a promotion at work, I can finally believe and trust that things might be okay financially. We can afford a new roof once I pay off some debt, in a few months I'll be able to start fixing stuff around the house that have been put on hold (rock beds, de-weeding, fence mending, power washing, getting into the attic, painting...)
These are all little glimmers of hope. Of light. Of a future I can believe in again. Did this baby suffer? I don't think so. She certainly won't when she's here. My fear has not kept either of us from bonding with her. If anything, we are too attached, and I am more scared of that than anything else. She is probably the most loved child on the planet right now (yea, yea, you think your baby is, you are wrong ;) ). So did she suffer for it? No. Will she? No. She is part of my glimmer of light.
And even if something happens... at least I can know that through the darkness and from the ashes I can rise yet again. We are all able to be reborn. So we learned from childhood Sunday school, and so we experience over and over again. And while I'm just a little fledgling, I am starting to believe that life is good again. It's hard, and sad, and scary, and bad stuff happens. Yes, it does. But it doesn't ALWAYS have to be bad.
So, give me a few more days of "survival", and then, we'll move into the living portion, where I start pulling back the shades and dipping my toe into the pool of life again. That's the hope, that's what I pray for, and that's what we're working towards. While I have no control of anything, that's where I'm at right now. It's the only way I can accept the past 16 months.
Baby update - no real contractions, no more braxton hicks, no mucus plug, baby in my ribs. No real progress. guessing no more dilation (we were at 1 cm for two weeks). While this doesn't mean jack, it also definitely doesn't mean I am in labor, and that's what we're aiming for!
Next appointment is friday, where I will be asking to schedule an induction / c-section. Physically, I feel wonderful! Hips are alright, sleeping not great, but sleeping, I am hot and sweaty and smell bad, and I officially can't eat dairy anymore because it tastes horribly disgusting. But mentally? Mentally, i am exhausted. Mentally, I am drained. Mentally there isn't much left. Work is sucking up the majority of the stamina I have left, and baby stuff... don't even get me started. The waiting. The watching. The not knowing. My brain is just about at the end of its rope. So yea, while I could go two more weeks physically, I am pretty much burnt out emotionally, and that's a scary place to be. So I should have more information for the blog after my appointment Friday. Last Wednesday we were "1 and a wiggle cm" dilated, cervix long and firm, but coming 'forward'. BP was 130/80 (creeping up). My hands are numb and tingly and puffy from carpal tunnel, my feet are like sausages, but the baby isn't showing any signs of being ready. I am frustrated and upset at my doctor (probably mostly hormonal, because logically I know why my baby isn't here in my arms yet, wiggling around. but emotionally, I am so mad that she's not after months of hearing we'd go early).
Yea... it's a weird place to be. A true holding pattern. Like the planes that land in London, circling around the river Thames, watching the Eye spin around, and cars attempt to get through gridlock, and Big Ben standing proud over his city. I'm just up here watching, waiting, and praying. Hoping for the best, and looking forward to the future. Finally, a future with light I can see.
-Em
Friday, August 5, 2016
Friday Morning Musings - Come On Baby....
Alright, so it's been a while since a real update. Here's where we're at:
1.5cm dialated
Baby weighing in at 7lbs 3oz
Glucose levels hovering between 74-130 (Yay!) (But eating more to try to keep them above 90, so ... might be gaining more weight?)
Might be losing some of my mucus plug, but not confirmed
So at the last doctor appointment I was told - basically - that because of my obesity, we are screwed either way. Hear me out. The baby's head and bones are all slowing down and measuring correctly 37 weeks. However, her abdomen is measuring 40 weeks. Which puts us at risk for shoulder displasia if she comes vaginally and is too big (i.e. 39/40 weeks). If she comes early (this week or next) we might be okay, as my doctor thinks my body could handle a 7 or 8 lb baby.
However, if she doesn't come early, we will have to do a c-section. But, because of my excessive amounts of fat, I am at risk for "wound breakdown". Yes, something new to worry about. Basically, the weight keeps the stitches from healing properly and the wound breaks down. Which could require debridement. And honestly? I'm scared it could permanently ruin my uterus. I could be barren at 28 because I'm fat.
Doctor also told us that if she comes now, she should be okay size-wise and functionally good. So in my head, this means "okay baby, time to come." I'm praying she makes her appearance within the next 10 days. Preventing a c-section, and preventing shoulder displasia. Which, by the way, can result in broken collar bone or PARALYSIS.
After hearing these possibilities, I am pretty heartbroken. My poor life choices have resulted in me or my baby being hurt, me being infertile, or even more complications. I know I worked very hard on the diabetes meal plan, but I do wish I could try again and be even better so it never got this bad. I was very good, but not perfect. I know that. And I'm mortified. What I do know is that I will never, ever, ever be this heavy again, and I will never go through pregnancy this heavy again. And I will also start weaning myself off of caffeine and fake sugars and try to live as healthily as possible and also up my workout schedule. This is going to require a life change. And also a life change for my baby's sake so she never has this issue either.
I'm just... sad. Sad that there is a tiny human in me who we can't get out without danger unless she decides to come on her own, and let's be honest, what first time baby comes 3 weeks early when they're all snug and cozy in there? I am very concerned.
Not to mention, work has been insane. I'm training my temporary replacement, which has proven to be more of a challenge than I like to admit. There is some sense of control I dislike letting go. But more than that, she is very grabby, and also not very thorough. So I am seeing mistakes and worried about leaving. I know it will all work out, but I was hoping for a smoother transition. There are also questions about my job, which I believe will result in a positive outcome, but for the time being it is disconcerting and worrying and stressful. I was hoping these last few weeks would be calm and a time to wrap up. Instead, I'm just being bombarded with new challanges, and by Friday I want to curl into a ball and sleep/cry.
The thing they don't HONESTLY tell you about working full time and pregnancy? Your brain just doesn't work the same. Your body is physically exhausted. And you just. don't. care. Like, you want to, and you try your hardest, but the only thing that matters is your tiny baby in your tummy. And how can anything matter more than that ever? It's been difficult. I care so deeply about my job, my team, my performance, our products.... and it's weird walking away from it for 3 months, and handing over all of my responsibilites to someone. Which is very scary. What if she is better than me? What if they find my position unnecessary? What if they find mistakes while I'm out and fire me? All of these things are anxiety speaking, and I'm sure once baby gets here they'll hardly matter, but it's making my last month of work very stressful.
Not to mention, I still have THREE WEEKS LEFT. I don't know how that is even possible. My best friend is pregnant and she is already 1/2 way through her pregnancy. How do I still have almost a month left? There are only nine months in this process, and the last one truly does take an eternity. Having anxiety, fear, and exhaustion, oh and being obese and terrified of the outcome -- those all play into it, I am sure.
Sorry, I had this beautiful, bright sunny mentality last week, and this week it's like I can't even force myself to get out of bed. My brain is full, my heart is heavy, and i'm thinking this is post-partum kicking in early. My doctor is already aware, and we will address that with medication.
I just want that happiness back. But between work, health, fat, finances, husband, I am distracted and worried and not a damn thing seems to be helping, because once I tackle one demon, another pops up.
I guess that is life, and we have to learn to get through it together. I will console myself by going to the tax free weekend sale at Once Upon a Child and getting some cute baby items and telling myself that no matter what happens to me, this baby is my number 1 priority and her health is all that matters.
Now, to roll around on my exercise ball, drink Red Raspberry Leaf Tea, and eat pineapples. Oh and walk. Come on baby, be ready. We're so ready for you.
Em
1.5cm dialated
Baby weighing in at 7lbs 3oz
Glucose levels hovering between 74-130 (Yay!) (But eating more to try to keep them above 90, so ... might be gaining more weight?)
Might be losing some of my mucus plug, but not confirmed
So at the last doctor appointment I was told - basically - that because of my obesity, we are screwed either way. Hear me out. The baby's head and bones are all slowing down and measuring correctly 37 weeks. However, her abdomen is measuring 40 weeks. Which puts us at risk for shoulder displasia if she comes vaginally and is too big (i.e. 39/40 weeks). If she comes early (this week or next) we might be okay, as my doctor thinks my body could handle a 7 or 8 lb baby.
However, if she doesn't come early, we will have to do a c-section. But, because of my excessive amounts of fat, I am at risk for "wound breakdown". Yes, something new to worry about. Basically, the weight keeps the stitches from healing properly and the wound breaks down. Which could require debridement. And honestly? I'm scared it could permanently ruin my uterus. I could be barren at 28 because I'm fat.
Doctor also told us that if she comes now, she should be okay size-wise and functionally good. So in my head, this means "okay baby, time to come." I'm praying she makes her appearance within the next 10 days. Preventing a c-section, and preventing shoulder displasia. Which, by the way, can result in broken collar bone or PARALYSIS.
After hearing these possibilities, I am pretty heartbroken. My poor life choices have resulted in me or my baby being hurt, me being infertile, or even more complications. I know I worked very hard on the diabetes meal plan, but I do wish I could try again and be even better so it never got this bad. I was very good, but not perfect. I know that. And I'm mortified. What I do know is that I will never, ever, ever be this heavy again, and I will never go through pregnancy this heavy again. And I will also start weaning myself off of caffeine and fake sugars and try to live as healthily as possible and also up my workout schedule. This is going to require a life change. And also a life change for my baby's sake so she never has this issue either.
I'm just... sad. Sad that there is a tiny human in me who we can't get out without danger unless she decides to come on her own, and let's be honest, what first time baby comes 3 weeks early when they're all snug and cozy in there? I am very concerned.
Not to mention, work has been insane. I'm training my temporary replacement, which has proven to be more of a challenge than I like to admit. There is some sense of control I dislike letting go. But more than that, she is very grabby, and also not very thorough. So I am seeing mistakes and worried about leaving. I know it will all work out, but I was hoping for a smoother transition. There are also questions about my job, which I believe will result in a positive outcome, but for the time being it is disconcerting and worrying and stressful. I was hoping these last few weeks would be calm and a time to wrap up. Instead, I'm just being bombarded with new challanges, and by Friday I want to curl into a ball and sleep/cry.
The thing they don't HONESTLY tell you about working full time and pregnancy? Your brain just doesn't work the same. Your body is physically exhausted. And you just. don't. care. Like, you want to, and you try your hardest, but the only thing that matters is your tiny baby in your tummy. And how can anything matter more than that ever? It's been difficult. I care so deeply about my job, my team, my performance, our products.... and it's weird walking away from it for 3 months, and handing over all of my responsibilites to someone. Which is very scary. What if she is better than me? What if they find my position unnecessary? What if they find mistakes while I'm out and fire me? All of these things are anxiety speaking, and I'm sure once baby gets here they'll hardly matter, but it's making my last month of work very stressful.
Not to mention, I still have THREE WEEKS LEFT. I don't know how that is even possible. My best friend is pregnant and she is already 1/2 way through her pregnancy. How do I still have almost a month left? There are only nine months in this process, and the last one truly does take an eternity. Having anxiety, fear, and exhaustion, oh and being obese and terrified of the outcome -- those all play into it, I am sure.
Sorry, I had this beautiful, bright sunny mentality last week, and this week it's like I can't even force myself to get out of bed. My brain is full, my heart is heavy, and i'm thinking this is post-partum kicking in early. My doctor is already aware, and we will address that with medication.
I just want that happiness back. But between work, health, fat, finances, husband, I am distracted and worried and not a damn thing seems to be helping, because once I tackle one demon, another pops up.
I guess that is life, and we have to learn to get through it together. I will console myself by going to the tax free weekend sale at Once Upon a Child and getting some cute baby items and telling myself that no matter what happens to me, this baby is my number 1 priority and her health is all that matters.
Now, to roll around on my exercise ball, drink Red Raspberry Leaf Tea, and eat pineapples. Oh and walk. Come on baby, be ready. We're so ready for you.
Em
Thursday, July 28, 2016
Good Thoughts
Alright. It's Thursday, July 28. We are two days away from the anniversary of our loss. And this week has been somewhat of a turning point for yours truly.
The first four nights were spent miserable, crying, and freaked out. As I mentioned before, I had what I thought could have been some spotting over the weekend. We never really determined if it was or wasn't. But it stopped, and baby was moving so everything seemed okay.
Yesterday, my husband went with me to my 36 week appointment. We had an AFI (fluid check) an NST (her heart was perfect) and a cervix check (I am dialated 1cm). Everything looks great. I have a lot of fluid (high end of normal at 21.5 cm2. And when the doctor asked if we had any questions my husband told her my fears (cord prolapse, bad placenta, baby dying). And she reassured us that we're doing all the monitoring we could POSSIBLY be doing. And if I wanted to come in twice a week I could. But we're doing as much monitoring as someone with type 1 diabetes.
My fear, aggression, anger... I just ... had to take a big, deep breath and let it go. We have made it. We are at 36 weeks. This baby can come, and be okay. She has made it to term, and I took her there. If something horribly tragic happens (and it could, I am well aware of that), then we will deal with it. But, I have decided I am going to make the best of the next three weeks. Try not to worry, try not to stress, and just enjoy what time I have left with her on the inside before our lives change dramatically.
At this point, she's going to either come on her own, or the doctor will take her out if something looks dodgy. We are kick counting. She is head down, facing right and her feet are jabbing me on my right side. I can feel her almost all day. So, I have to let go and TRULY give it up to God. After I made that decision, I felt a huge sense of relief. Things that had been bothering me stopped. This is different from a 'manic' episode. Because I don't feel any of those crazy happy emotions. It's mostly just a release. A calm. I have done everything I can to keep her healthy and safe. I take my meds, I monitor my glucose. We show up to appointments and I did what I could to get her here. At this point, there's not much more I can possibly do.
So I'm going to be pregnant. And happy. and when the negative thoughts start creeping in (they still do) I will counter them with positive thoughts. I could tell last night as I reached exhaustion and night time set in, I was losing strength in my resolve. So I went to bed. And I woke up with my old mindset, but quickly altered to this new ideology. I want to enjoy the next three weeks. My husband and I will be going on a date night. And we are going to watch some movies we need to catch up on. We're going to enjoy eachother. And not be scared of sex. It's been 9 months since I haven't been terrified of sex... So that's a good thing to be over that hurdle for my marriage's sake!
What else... just a general sense of ease in life. I've been fighting, fighting, fighting so hard. Each minute of the day was a battle. Like I was claiming territory. Now? Now, I just need to let them pass over us, and let this baby decide when she is going to make her appearance. We are so, so in love with her. It actually hurts my heart to think about how much I love her. But I need to redirect that love into joy, and not fear. Fear is going to get us nowhere in the next few months. But love? Love is the answer.
this is not the July of last year. This is a new year. This is 2016, and we are miles ahead of where we were. And yes, we could end up 10 billion times more devastated then we were last year. Or we could end up with the most beautiful baby in the world who we love more than life itself. And that's what I am going to plan on. Because she is in there, scrumming around, comfy and content to kick me in the ribs. And she has her own plan. She always had. Even 36 weeks ago when she was conceived. She has been on her own schedule and has her own little plan. So, I'm going to trust her. Trust me. Trust my husband. And trust the process. We are so close, and I am finally FINALLY feeling some happiness. And joy.
Being scared for 9 months is exhausting. And it puts a serious dent in your morale and ability to love and be loved and I am TIRED of it. I am done with that. I am going to be a better, happier person. Similar to who I used to be, and just have faith.
Also? Immediately after changing my perspective, things at work changed. I was complimented twice on work ethic and the results I produce. Maybe I've been told this before and didn't hear it? But it was nice... like the earth's ebb and flow rewarded my positivity.
There are also two quotes I heard this week that I want to remember forever:
1. You can't choose when you are someone's friend. (In the context of, you can't be a fair-weather friend. Good or bad, if you are someone's friend you have to stay through it, or duck out, but you don't get to come and go as you please when it's easy.)
2. Being a woman means you have to be stronger. (Hilaria Baldwin's mother).
I think these are good ideas to run thoughts by to help gauge the 'big picture', and I will continue to do so.
Anyways, positive thoughts. Enjoying this pregnancy. Trusting my body. And just spilling love out into the universe.
-Emily at Peace-
The first four nights were spent miserable, crying, and freaked out. As I mentioned before, I had what I thought could have been some spotting over the weekend. We never really determined if it was or wasn't. But it stopped, and baby was moving so everything seemed okay.
Yesterday, my husband went with me to my 36 week appointment. We had an AFI (fluid check) an NST (her heart was perfect) and a cervix check (I am dialated 1cm). Everything looks great. I have a lot of fluid (high end of normal at 21.5 cm2. And when the doctor asked if we had any questions my husband told her my fears (cord prolapse, bad placenta, baby dying). And she reassured us that we're doing all the monitoring we could POSSIBLY be doing. And if I wanted to come in twice a week I could. But we're doing as much monitoring as someone with type 1 diabetes.
My fear, aggression, anger... I just ... had to take a big, deep breath and let it go. We have made it. We are at 36 weeks. This baby can come, and be okay. She has made it to term, and I took her there. If something horribly tragic happens (and it could, I am well aware of that), then we will deal with it. But, I have decided I am going to make the best of the next three weeks. Try not to worry, try not to stress, and just enjoy what time I have left with her on the inside before our lives change dramatically.
At this point, she's going to either come on her own, or the doctor will take her out if something looks dodgy. We are kick counting. She is head down, facing right and her feet are jabbing me on my right side. I can feel her almost all day. So, I have to let go and TRULY give it up to God. After I made that decision, I felt a huge sense of relief. Things that had been bothering me stopped. This is different from a 'manic' episode. Because I don't feel any of those crazy happy emotions. It's mostly just a release. A calm. I have done everything I can to keep her healthy and safe. I take my meds, I monitor my glucose. We show up to appointments and I did what I could to get her here. At this point, there's not much more I can possibly do.
So I'm going to be pregnant. And happy. and when the negative thoughts start creeping in (they still do) I will counter them with positive thoughts. I could tell last night as I reached exhaustion and night time set in, I was losing strength in my resolve. So I went to bed. And I woke up with my old mindset, but quickly altered to this new ideology. I want to enjoy the next three weeks. My husband and I will be going on a date night. And we are going to watch some movies we need to catch up on. We're going to enjoy eachother. And not be scared of sex. It's been 9 months since I haven't been terrified of sex... So that's a good thing to be over that hurdle for my marriage's sake!
What else... just a general sense of ease in life. I've been fighting, fighting, fighting so hard. Each minute of the day was a battle. Like I was claiming territory. Now? Now, I just need to let them pass over us, and let this baby decide when she is going to make her appearance. We are so, so in love with her. It actually hurts my heart to think about how much I love her. But I need to redirect that love into joy, and not fear. Fear is going to get us nowhere in the next few months. But love? Love is the answer.
this is not the July of last year. This is a new year. This is 2016, and we are miles ahead of where we were. And yes, we could end up 10 billion times more devastated then we were last year. Or we could end up with the most beautiful baby in the world who we love more than life itself. And that's what I am going to plan on. Because she is in there, scrumming around, comfy and content to kick me in the ribs. And she has her own plan. She always had. Even 36 weeks ago when she was conceived. She has been on her own schedule and has her own little plan. So, I'm going to trust her. Trust me. Trust my husband. And trust the process. We are so close, and I am finally FINALLY feeling some happiness. And joy.
Being scared for 9 months is exhausting. And it puts a serious dent in your morale and ability to love and be loved and I am TIRED of it. I am done with that. I am going to be a better, happier person. Similar to who I used to be, and just have faith.
Also? Immediately after changing my perspective, things at work changed. I was complimented twice on work ethic and the results I produce. Maybe I've been told this before and didn't hear it? But it was nice... like the earth's ebb and flow rewarded my positivity.
There are also two quotes I heard this week that I want to remember forever:
1. You can't choose when you are someone's friend. (In the context of, you can't be a fair-weather friend. Good or bad, if you are someone's friend you have to stay through it, or duck out, but you don't get to come and go as you please when it's easy.)
2. Being a woman means you have to be stronger. (Hilaria Baldwin's mother).
I think these are good ideas to run thoughts by to help gauge the 'big picture', and I will continue to do so.
Anyways, positive thoughts. Enjoying this pregnancy. Trusting my body. And just spilling love out into the universe.
-Emily at Peace-
Monday, July 25, 2016
come on tiny baby, we only have a few weeks left...
That is what I keep saying to this child. Come on tiny baby, we don't have long now. Hang in there, be okay. I must admit, my anxiety is pretty high right now. We are so, so very deeply invested in this life-changing process and our daughter being here. I am TERRIFIED of anything going wrong. Husband has asked me to get off of google/forums. I am trying to, but sometimes I freak out and look something up and BAM, there is someone who had a placental abruption at 35 weeks (out of the blue) and lost their son.
I realize we are being monitored more heavily than others, but it still scares me. Saturday night I had what looked like light spotting. I was a hot mess after that. We decided to wait it out and see, as it wasn't clearly blood. Nothing happened again, so I think we're okay. And baby was moving like CRAZY. Everyone tells me (including the OB) that movement is good, no movement is bad. And lots of movement is good too. So as long as I feel her, it's okay.
I've also been doing kick counts twice a day. Once after breakfast, once before bed. She flipped around I think ,so now her head is facing either out or left, because I'm feeling much more movement when she is moving. However, we do have a lot of sleepy times. I am trying to keep stress levels down at work so she is calmer and so am I. That way consciously feel for her throughout the day.
I feel like in the past week my stomach has just grown massively. Coworkers and randos on the street are asking when I'm due. I'm like, we've got another month left, at least. They can't believe it. I believe my 21.3cm of amniotic fluid makes me look bigger. I also found out it can cause cord problems or prolapsed cords. Seriously, have to stop reading the boards. But I am going to make a list of things that scare me and address them with the doctor this week. My therapist thinks I should write them out and hand her the list so I can't get shy and not ask. So that is the plan, and husband will be accompanying me for this appointment. It's my first cervical check, AND an ultrasound, and an NST, and an appointment. It's going to be a long morning.
Anyways, I'm huge, very uncomfortable, very nervous, and ready for her to be here safely. I know people keep telling me to 'enjoy' this last time before your life changes forever. But honestly? I have been waiting for her for so long now.... I just want her. We're so ready. I know our lives will be impacted in ways we can't even imagine. But it's going to be so, so wonderful to have our family.
At work, I am training the temp, who told me today she is feeling overwhelmed. I need to step back and take more steps to cover basics with her. I thought she was frustrated I wasn't giving her enough work, but turns out I was sending too much. She will be fine, and they'll cover me when I'm gone without a problem, so I am feeling calmer about this all. But yes. Crazy.
So the mural is almost done in the nursery. Pictures below. We're so close! Now we just need a few more items:
And that's about it!! There is a lot more we will need:
The list goes on, but what I want to have here before she arrives is almost ready! So exciting.
We'll do one big final sweep through Target and Babies R Us and get any last minute items. I have all of this breastfeeding stuff, so I am hoping we can make that work. I've attended our birthing class and our nursing class. We've got our birth plan written. Now I just ... wait. And you all know just how well I wait (not very well). 31 days if we make it to due date. 21 days left of work.
In our packed bags are:
Husband Bag -
Emily & Baby Bag -
Labor Bag -
I'm sure there's more, but that's the essentials.
So I was reading a story about a girl who has Type 1 diabetes, had a breech baby last pregnancy and had a c-section, and wants to do a VBAC. Her doctor and MFM has told her (basically) if it happens it happens, but she is very upset and wants her VBAC. At term. I am so scared of anything happening that I am all like "you want to take her on 38 weeks? Yes, please.". I don't understand how people can have such differing opinions. But I value reading them, because it helps keep mine in perspective. I hope she gets what she wants, but for me, I am so nervous of making a wrong decision, that I'll take a c-section if it's the only way. That being said, I will be upping my Red Raspberry Leaf tea intake to two cups/day starting this Friday. And up to 3 cups next week. I can feel her pushing on my bladder and cervix, and my pee trips at night have jumped from 2 to anywhere between 4-7. So while I know que sera sera, i think this baby is making her way to the exit, as Semisonic would say.
Okay I've started seriously nervous-rambling. What else do I want to record for posterity...
- my counselor is wanting me to check in with her after appointments to help keep anxiety at bay
- work... i don't know. it's just a big cluster sometimes. I don't know what to do about that
- no spotting or blood when i wipe, and good movement
- baby appears to have her head on my left side now, with legs on the left, butt on the right
- I'm not terrified of labor, maybe I should be? But the thought of getting there just makes me happy
- Constantly exhausted
- We put LED lights in the baby room. Which is the coolest thing ever. And our storage freezer arrives today.
- I will ask my doctor about tubular breasts... maybe. Maybe I don't want to know!
- Have started leaking colostrum. This morning Iwoke up with actual hardened beads. That's a first!
okay, more Wednesday.
-Emily
I realize we are being monitored more heavily than others, but it still scares me. Saturday night I had what looked like light spotting. I was a hot mess after that. We decided to wait it out and see, as it wasn't clearly blood. Nothing happened again, so I think we're okay. And baby was moving like CRAZY. Everyone tells me (including the OB) that movement is good, no movement is bad. And lots of movement is good too. So as long as I feel her, it's okay.
I've also been doing kick counts twice a day. Once after breakfast, once before bed. She flipped around I think ,so now her head is facing either out or left, because I'm feeling much more movement when she is moving. However, we do have a lot of sleepy times. I am trying to keep stress levels down at work so she is calmer and so am I. That way consciously feel for her throughout the day.
I feel like in the past week my stomach has just grown massively. Coworkers and randos on the street are asking when I'm due. I'm like, we've got another month left, at least. They can't believe it. I believe my 21.3cm of amniotic fluid makes me look bigger. I also found out it can cause cord problems or prolapsed cords. Seriously, have to stop reading the boards. But I am going to make a list of things that scare me and address them with the doctor this week. My therapist thinks I should write them out and hand her the list so I can't get shy and not ask. So that is the plan, and husband will be accompanying me for this appointment. It's my first cervical check, AND an ultrasound, and an NST, and an appointment. It's going to be a long morning.
Anyways, I'm huge, very uncomfortable, very nervous, and ready for her to be here safely. I know people keep telling me to 'enjoy' this last time before your life changes forever. But honestly? I have been waiting for her for so long now.... I just want her. We're so ready. I know our lives will be impacted in ways we can't even imagine. But it's going to be so, so wonderful to have our family.
At work, I am training the temp, who told me today she is feeling overwhelmed. I need to step back and take more steps to cover basics with her. I thought she was frustrated I wasn't giving her enough work, but turns out I was sending too much. She will be fine, and they'll cover me when I'm gone without a problem, so I am feeling calmer about this all. But yes. Crazy.
So the mural is almost done in the nursery. Pictures below. We're so close! Now we just need a few more items:
- swing
- baby wearing carrier (ergobaby or lillebabty)
- some more packs of onesies
- some more sleepers
- swaddlers for both newborn and next size up
- a couple more burp cloths
- a few more receiving blankets
- nipple guards (I think I might have tubular breasts :( I don't know for sure, but just in case these shields might help...)
And that's about it!! There is a lot more we will need:
- baby walker
- high chair
- running stroller
- boppy chair
- boppy pillow
- extra crib mattress (for our Secure Beginnings mattress)
The list goes on, but what I want to have here before she arrives is almost ready! So exciting.
We'll do one big final sweep through Target and Babies R Us and get any last minute items. I have all of this breastfeeding stuff, so I am hoping we can make that work. I've attended our birthing class and our nursing class. We've got our birth plan written. Now I just ... wait. And you all know just how well I wait (not very well). 31 days if we make it to due date. 21 days left of work.
In our packed bags are:
Husband Bag -
- Outfit essentials (boxers, pajamas, socks, t-shirts)
- Towel
- Pillow & Blanket
- Soap, facial moisturizer, deodorant
- Carseat (this is in the car...)
Emily & Baby Bag -
- 3 outfits for me (one nice one for pics, the rest are comfy)
- 1 Nursing bra
- 1 Nursing tank
- 1 onesie (plan on getting an additional outfit or two when we do our final shop for different sizes)
- 2 NB cloth diapers for pictures
- Nipple cream just in case
- Makeup bag
- Soap, shampoo, conditioner, deodorant
- 1 receiving blanket
- 1 muslin swaddle
- Socks (me and baby)
- Baby hat
- Debating a boppy if we get one
- A baggy full of wipes
- Colace
- Phone charger
- Pack of Magic the Gathering cards and deck to play with
- Ponytail holders and brush
Labor Bag -
- Two robes
- Fuzzy slipper socks
- Massage oil
- Heating pad
- Chapstick
- Lotion
- Contacts & solution
- Camera
I'm sure there's more, but that's the essentials.
So I was reading a story about a girl who has Type 1 diabetes, had a breech baby last pregnancy and had a c-section, and wants to do a VBAC. Her doctor and MFM has told her (basically) if it happens it happens, but she is very upset and wants her VBAC. At term. I am so scared of anything happening that I am all like "you want to take her on 38 weeks? Yes, please.". I don't understand how people can have such differing opinions. But I value reading them, because it helps keep mine in perspective. I hope she gets what she wants, but for me, I am so nervous of making a wrong decision, that I'll take a c-section if it's the only way. That being said, I will be upping my Red Raspberry Leaf tea intake to two cups/day starting this Friday. And up to 3 cups next week. I can feel her pushing on my bladder and cervix, and my pee trips at night have jumped from 2 to anywhere between 4-7. So while I know que sera sera, i think this baby is making her way to the exit, as Semisonic would say.
Okay I've started seriously nervous-rambling. What else do I want to record for posterity...
- my counselor is wanting me to check in with her after appointments to help keep anxiety at bay
- work... i don't know. it's just a big cluster sometimes. I don't know what to do about that
- no spotting or blood when i wipe, and good movement
- baby appears to have her head on my left side now, with legs on the left, butt on the right
- I'm not terrified of labor, maybe I should be? But the thought of getting there just makes me happy
- Constantly exhausted
- We put LED lights in the baby room. Which is the coolest thing ever. And our storage freezer arrives today.
- I will ask my doctor about tubular breasts... maybe. Maybe I don't want to know!
- Have started leaking colostrum. This morning Iwoke up with actual hardened beads. That's a first!
okay, more Wednesday.
-Emily
Wednesday, July 13, 2016
Ghosts of Emotions Past
Today was our 34 week appointment. We had an NST, an ultrasound and an OB appointment. I can't really put into words how I'm feeling, except to say I feel very much like I did a few weeks after our miscarriage in July. I am ANGRY. Angry doesn't quite cover how I feel. I am mostly frustrated, sad, scared, worried and exhausted. I mean, the mental exhaustion you feel after a really long exam that your GPA/career/life depends on. I am just... so tired of worrying about everything. Last night I had to do kick counts cause baby was not moving. I'm just so tired of caring. Maybe that makes me a horrible person, but my little "sensor" Has been running at 200% for 9 months now. It's .... exhausted. I am exhausted. And I'm sitting here about in tears because there's literally nothing I can do about it.
First off, my husband did not join me for the appointment today. Which is fine, he had to work late and I didn't want him anxious and complaining about the appointment while we were there. When he gets like that my BP raises way too high, and I get anxious and fidgety. Since I took a half day from work I knew the morning would be more peaceful if I was alone and not with someone who had somewhere to be at a certain time. But still, it changed my plans for the morning. And I don't do well with change. And additionally, I don't do as well at these appointments when I go alone. I just ruminate/worry/and don't ever seem to absorb anything anyone tells me.
So then the NST goes perfectly, the ultrasound goes perfectly, my BP is 122/80, so not bad at all. My weight is down from last week, good good. Everything is perfect. So why do I feel so horrible? Baby girl weighed in at 6lbs 3oz, so she is in the 95th percentile, and 'average' for right now is closer to 5 lbs. Of course those scans can be off a pound or two in either direction, but we are measuring ahead consistently, so I am tempted to believe we'll be having a large baby.
So I ask my doctor today - are we going to have this baby early? Will we pull her out if she's too big? What can I expect. And basically, the answer is no. Nope. Unless she gets HUGE, we won't do anything. This is a very different conversation than what we had a few weeks ago. Where she mentioned c-sections. So i'm more confused than ever. I was hoping we could be done slightly sooner (even a week at this point would make me feel soo much calmer). I was always one of those people who said "the longer a baby can cook, the better". and it's true! But, the amount of anxiety I've been feeling about these last few weeks is pretty insurmountable. I am just... defeated. I feel like she's going to die. I can envision it happening. I can envision a dead baby, but not a living baby. How absolutely disgusting is that? but it's all I've known. My prior loss. My mom's full term loss. It just surrounds me, it engulfs my thoughts. I am keeping our baby stuff's boxes because I am imaging bringing them back to the store. And I HATE that my heart is so full of that bitterness, but I can't help it. Because I truly can't picture a world where I get what I want. Where we get a living baby. Where things go well. I know they say to try to imagine us in the labor room, with a soft glow, and a perfectly healthy baby sliding out. And I try it, and it calms me down, but there's still that voice in the back of my mind that's like "nope, not you. you don't get that."
This is all on the eve of our upcoming baby shower. And I just feel like now if something happens, all these people are going to know, and it's going to be even worse. And what do we do with the gifts? I just... I hurt in my heart. And it feels so like last July 31st. So much. I want to just kick a wall, break something, run away, buy something expensive and useless, pretend I'm not pregnant because I am so THOROUGHLY in love with this child that the thought of anything happening to her because of me is just... too much. I don't think I could go on. And carrying that around right now, it ... is a lot.
It's a lot.
I'm just not sure what to do with my hands right now. You know when you're at a party, and you don't know anyone there and you just kind of want to leave, but someone else drove, so you can't just walk away? That's how I feel. Do I eat some cheese sticks, do I go sit in the corner and play candy crush, do I walk home? The anger, bitterness and jealous is a little overwhelming. Poeple who have healthy babies make me upset right now. I've been pregnant for almost 14 months total and there is STILL a chance I will come out with nothing. And it's just... depressing. And sad. And I know I'm ranting, but I'm so scared and alone and not a single person seems to understand this feeling, except others who have lost, and I can't be around people who have lost, because it just makes it scarier.
I don't know. I think it's time to get back into my little safety cocoon. Because I am feeling reckless and upset and alone. And those are bad things to be feeling right now. And I love this baby, but I feel like separating her from my love is the only way to protect myself, and then when I think about doing that I just feel even worse, because she needs all the love and support she can get. And I'm scared that BEING scared is going to cause a stillbirth.
I don't know. I really don't. I just needed to vent, because my heart stings with sadness right now.
First off, my husband did not join me for the appointment today. Which is fine, he had to work late and I didn't want him anxious and complaining about the appointment while we were there. When he gets like that my BP raises way too high, and I get anxious and fidgety. Since I took a half day from work I knew the morning would be more peaceful if I was alone and not with someone who had somewhere to be at a certain time. But still, it changed my plans for the morning. And I don't do well with change. And additionally, I don't do as well at these appointments when I go alone. I just ruminate/worry/and don't ever seem to absorb anything anyone tells me.
So then the NST goes perfectly, the ultrasound goes perfectly, my BP is 122/80, so not bad at all. My weight is down from last week, good good. Everything is perfect. So why do I feel so horrible? Baby girl weighed in at 6lbs 3oz, so she is in the 95th percentile, and 'average' for right now is closer to 5 lbs. Of course those scans can be off a pound or two in either direction, but we are measuring ahead consistently, so I am tempted to believe we'll be having a large baby.
So I ask my doctor today - are we going to have this baby early? Will we pull her out if she's too big? What can I expect. And basically, the answer is no. Nope. Unless she gets HUGE, we won't do anything. This is a very different conversation than what we had a few weeks ago. Where she mentioned c-sections. So i'm more confused than ever. I was hoping we could be done slightly sooner (even a week at this point would make me feel soo much calmer). I was always one of those people who said "the longer a baby can cook, the better". and it's true! But, the amount of anxiety I've been feeling about these last few weeks is pretty insurmountable. I am just... defeated. I feel like she's going to die. I can envision it happening. I can envision a dead baby, but not a living baby. How absolutely disgusting is that? but it's all I've known. My prior loss. My mom's full term loss. It just surrounds me, it engulfs my thoughts. I am keeping our baby stuff's boxes because I am imaging bringing them back to the store. And I HATE that my heart is so full of that bitterness, but I can't help it. Because I truly can't picture a world where I get what I want. Where we get a living baby. Where things go well. I know they say to try to imagine us in the labor room, with a soft glow, and a perfectly healthy baby sliding out. And I try it, and it calms me down, but there's still that voice in the back of my mind that's like "nope, not you. you don't get that."
This is all on the eve of our upcoming baby shower. And I just feel like now if something happens, all these people are going to know, and it's going to be even worse. And what do we do with the gifts? I just... I hurt in my heart. And it feels so like last July 31st. So much. I want to just kick a wall, break something, run away, buy something expensive and useless, pretend I'm not pregnant because I am so THOROUGHLY in love with this child that the thought of anything happening to her because of me is just... too much. I don't think I could go on. And carrying that around right now, it ... is a lot.
It's a lot.
I'm just not sure what to do with my hands right now. You know when you're at a party, and you don't know anyone there and you just kind of want to leave, but someone else drove, so you can't just walk away? That's how I feel. Do I eat some cheese sticks, do I go sit in the corner and play candy crush, do I walk home? The anger, bitterness and jealous is a little overwhelming. Poeple who have healthy babies make me upset right now. I've been pregnant for almost 14 months total and there is STILL a chance I will come out with nothing. And it's just... depressing. And sad. And I know I'm ranting, but I'm so scared and alone and not a single person seems to understand this feeling, except others who have lost, and I can't be around people who have lost, because it just makes it scarier.
I don't know. I think it's time to get back into my little safety cocoon. Because I am feeling reckless and upset and alone. And those are bad things to be feeling right now. And I love this baby, but I feel like separating her from my love is the only way to protect myself, and then when I think about doing that I just feel even worse, because she needs all the love and support she can get. And I'm scared that BEING scared is going to cause a stillbirth.
I don't know. I really don't. I just needed to vent, because my heart stings with sadness right now.
Thursday, July 7, 2016
Contractions
Had my first ever morning contraction today (or braxton hicks, still undecided). Husband thinks I was contracting all through the night too. Insane!
I believe my body is going to do brilliantly, and will be able to have her on our own without a c-section ahead of schedule so her giant little tummy will fit.
That's my plan, and I'm sticking to it! :)
Also, woke up with a headache :( Hoping the call from the doctor today or tomorrow isn't terrible news!
And carpal tunnel is starting in my left hand... gotta stop playing Candy Crush Soda Saga before bed... tut.
A side note for myself - I still would love to consider a career as a midwife or doula... Maybe someday, as I know it would take tons of schooling. I just want to help women through this process. As much as possible. It's so scary and isolating.
I believe my body is going to do brilliantly, and will be able to have her on our own without a c-section ahead of schedule so her giant little tummy will fit.
That's my plan, and I'm sticking to it! :)
Also, woke up with a headache :( Hoping the call from the doctor today or tomorrow isn't terrible news!
And carpal tunnel is starting in my left hand... gotta stop playing Candy Crush Soda Saga before bed... tut.
A side note for myself - I still would love to consider a career as a midwife or doula... Maybe someday, as I know it would take tons of schooling. I just want to help women through this process. As much as possible. It's so scary and isolating.
Wednesday, July 6, 2016
33 week check-in
Things are really taking off now!
First Non Stress Test (NST) and it was very strange. Baby girl kept slipping away from the monitor and we had to restart. But eventually we got a good baseline. The doctor says her heart sounds beautiful. She kept going from 130s - 160s, which seems high to me? But I could be wrong. I obviously am not a doctor.
After that, I had my check up. My glucose numbers have gone up this week, and are getting harder to manage, but they are still mostly under 130. She doesn't feel comfortable medicating yet, so we are doing a panel to test my blood sugar, and I am now going to be testing every 1 and 2 hours after meals. It's insane!
I also told her about my headaches... and my blood pressure was higher than normal 130/80 (usually 120/65-70). So I am supposed to call this week if the headaches get worse. We also did a preeclampsia panel to see where we are as a baseline for that. I don't know what that means, so I need to do more research and figure out what she will be looking for. They haven't had any protein in my urine samples yet, so that is a good sign. I am hoping the headaches are just the changing weather and lessening my caffeine intake, but the rising BP doesn't assure me that's the case.
So next Wednesday we'll have an ultrasound, another NST, and an appointment, and hopefully bloodwork will be back by then.
I really want to get this baby to 36 weeks. That's my goal, and I want to deliver naturally. So, 3 more weeks tiny baby, we can do it!!! Ideally we'd get to 40, but all signs are pointing to that not happening.
If I get a call tomorrow about blood panels I will update.
-Em
First Non Stress Test (NST) and it was very strange. Baby girl kept slipping away from the monitor and we had to restart. But eventually we got a good baseline. The doctor says her heart sounds beautiful. She kept going from 130s - 160s, which seems high to me? But I could be wrong. I obviously am not a doctor.
After that, I had my check up. My glucose numbers have gone up this week, and are getting harder to manage, but they are still mostly under 130. She doesn't feel comfortable medicating yet, so we are doing a panel to test my blood sugar, and I am now going to be testing every 1 and 2 hours after meals. It's insane!
I also told her about my headaches... and my blood pressure was higher than normal 130/80 (usually 120/65-70). So I am supposed to call this week if the headaches get worse. We also did a preeclampsia panel to see where we are as a baseline for that. I don't know what that means, so I need to do more research and figure out what she will be looking for. They haven't had any protein in my urine samples yet, so that is a good sign. I am hoping the headaches are just the changing weather and lessening my caffeine intake, but the rising BP doesn't assure me that's the case.
So next Wednesday we'll have an ultrasound, another NST, and an appointment, and hopefully bloodwork will be back by then.
I really want to get this baby to 36 weeks. That's my goal, and I want to deliver naturally. So, 3 more weeks tiny baby, we can do it!!! Ideally we'd get to 40, but all signs are pointing to that not happening.
If I get a call tomorrow about blood panels I will update.
-Em
Tuesday, July 5, 2016
More Frequent Check-Ins
So Sunday afternoon I almost went to the hospital because I hadn't really felt baby give any good kicks all day, or the night before. I got dressed, decided I'd doppler her just to make myself feel better and she kicked the doppler off my stomach, and then went ballistic. So I did not go to the hospital.
My husband noted that we have a pattern. It's two days of movement, one day of quiet. So I'm going to start logging on here more frequently so I remember where we are in this pattern.
Friday July 1 - Lots of movement
Saturday July 2 - Movement in AM, quiet in PM
Sunday July 3 - Quiet almost all day
Monday July 4 - Movement almost all day
Tuesday July 5 - Movement in the AM, and overnight
Wed July 6 - Hardly any movement in the AM
This isn't really helpful to anyone but me, but so be it!!
Wednesday we have our first NST (non-stress test). I am excited to go in and hear her heartbeat for 30 minutes. I am going to ask if she'll write me a note to wear tennis shoes to work. My hips have been pretty brutally painful. It's my left buttock, and it pulls sometimes so bad I almost fall down. I will also be calling the chiropractor. Even though she charges like $75 dollars, I think it will be worth it to go and get things adjusted. Probably next week.
The following Wednesday we have our next growth scan, a non-stress test, and then an appointment. I'm thinking I'll take the whole day off work and use the afternoon to work on getting our house organized. OR I'll just take a half day, and take a full day after the next ultrasound day / after the shower when I can put stuff away and do laundry. That makes more sense. Especially since I'll want to come in and work on projects.
I've officially created a countdown at my desk. 35 days left (give or take 1 or 2) until her EDD. Which means I have 35 days to get every project I'm working on wrapped up, the temp trained, and my desk essentailly cleared out in case anything happens while I'm gone (they move me, they fire me, etc.)
I also found my FitBit, and I'm going to start wearing that. I've been having daily headaches, which I think is from looking at my phone too much, but just in case we're getting Pre-E signs, I want my heartrate being tracked.
So yea, that is what is up, more posts to come!! Oh, and later this week I will post about Scrumbles, because he has been on my mind so, so very much lately as we approach the year of our losing him. My heart is heavy.
-Em
My husband noted that we have a pattern. It's two days of movement, one day of quiet. So I'm going to start logging on here more frequently so I remember where we are in this pattern.
Friday July 1 - Lots of movement
Saturday July 2 - Movement in AM, quiet in PM
Sunday July 3 - Quiet almost all day
Monday July 4 - Movement almost all day
Tuesday July 5 - Movement in the AM, and overnight
Wed July 6 - Hardly any movement in the AM
This isn't really helpful to anyone but me, but so be it!!
Wednesday we have our first NST (non-stress test). I am excited to go in and hear her heartbeat for 30 minutes. I am going to ask if she'll write me a note to wear tennis shoes to work. My hips have been pretty brutally painful. It's my left buttock, and it pulls sometimes so bad I almost fall down. I will also be calling the chiropractor. Even though she charges like $75 dollars, I think it will be worth it to go and get things adjusted. Probably next week.
The following Wednesday we have our next growth scan, a non-stress test, and then an appointment. I'm thinking I'll take the whole day off work and use the afternoon to work on getting our house organized. OR I'll just take a half day, and take a full day after the next ultrasound day / after the shower when I can put stuff away and do laundry. That makes more sense. Especially since I'll want to come in and work on projects.
I've officially created a countdown at my desk. 35 days left (give or take 1 or 2) until her EDD. Which means I have 35 days to get every project I'm working on wrapped up, the temp trained, and my desk essentailly cleared out in case anything happens while I'm gone (they move me, they fire me, etc.)
I also found my FitBit, and I'm going to start wearing that. I've been having daily headaches, which I think is from looking at my phone too much, but just in case we're getting Pre-E signs, I want my heartrate being tracked.
So yea, that is what is up, more posts to come!! Oh, and later this week I will post about Scrumbles, because he has been on my mind so, so very much lately as we approach the year of our losing him. My heart is heavy.
-Em
More Frequent Check-Ins
So Sunday afternoon I almost went to the hospital because I hadn't really felt baby give any good kicks all day, or the night before. I got dressed, decided I'd doppler her just to make myself feel better and she kicked the doppler off my stomach, and then went ballistic. So I did not go to the hospital.
My husband noted that we have a pattern. It's two days of movement, one day of quiet. So I'm going to start logging on here more frequently so I remember where we are in this pattern.
Friday July 1 - Lots of movement
Saturday July 2 - Movement in AM, quiet in PM
Sunday July 3 - Quiet almost all day
Monday July 4 - Movement almost all day
Tuesday July 5 - Movement in the AM, and overnight
Wed July 6 - Hardly any movement in the AM
This isn't really helpful to anyone but me, but so be it!!
Wednesday we have our first NST (non-stress test). I am excited to go in and hear her heartbeat for 30 minutes. I am going to ask if she'll write me a note to wear tennis shoes to work. My hips have been pretty brutally painful. It's my left buttock, and it pulls sometimes so bad I almost fall down. I will also be calling the chiropractor. Even though she charges like $75 dollars, I think it will be worth it to go and get things adjusted. Probably next week.
The following Wednesday we have our next growth scan, a non-stress test, and then an appointment. I'm thinking I'll take the whole day off work and use the afternoon to work on getting our house organized. OR I'll just take a half day, and take a full day after the next ultrasound day / after the shower when I can put stuff away and do laundry. That makes more sense. Especially since I'll want to come in and work on projects.
I've officially created a countdown at my desk. 35 days left (give or take 1 or 2) until her EDD. Which means I have 35 days to get every project I'm working on wrapped up, the temp trained, and my desk essentailly cleared out in case anything happens while I'm gone (they move me, they fire me, etc.)
I also found my FitBit, and I'm going to start wearing that. I've been having daily headaches, which I think is from looking at my phone too much, but just in case we're getting Pre-E signs, I want my heartrate being tracked.
So yea, that is what is up, more posts to come!! Oh, and later this week I will post about Scrumbles, because he has been on my mind so, so very much lately as we approach the year of our losing him. My heart is heavy.
-Em
My husband noted that we have a pattern. It's two days of movement, one day of quiet. So I'm going to start logging on here more frequently so I remember where we are in this pattern.
Friday July 1 - Lots of movement
Saturday July 2 - Movement in AM, quiet in PM
Sunday July 3 - Quiet almost all day
Monday July 4 - Movement almost all day
Tuesday July 5 - Movement in the AM, and overnight
Wed July 6 - Hardly any movement in the AM
This isn't really helpful to anyone but me, but so be it!!
Wednesday we have our first NST (non-stress test). I am excited to go in and hear her heartbeat for 30 minutes. I am going to ask if she'll write me a note to wear tennis shoes to work. My hips have been pretty brutally painful. It's my left buttock, and it pulls sometimes so bad I almost fall down. I will also be calling the chiropractor. Even though she charges like $75 dollars, I think it will be worth it to go and get things adjusted. Probably next week.
The following Wednesday we have our next growth scan, a non-stress test, and then an appointment. I'm thinking I'll take the whole day off work and use the afternoon to work on getting our house organized. OR I'll just take a half day, and take a full day after the next ultrasound day / after the shower when I can put stuff away and do laundry. That makes more sense. Especially since I'll want to come in and work on projects.
I've officially created a countdown at my desk. 35 days left (give or take 1 or 2) until her EDD. Which means I have 35 days to get every project I'm working on wrapped up, the temp trained, and my desk essentailly cleared out in case anything happens while I'm gone (they move me, they fire me, etc.)
I also found my FitBit, and I'm going to start wearing that. I've been having daily headaches, which I think is from looking at my phone too much, but just in case we're getting Pre-E signs, I want my heartrate being tracked.
So yea, that is what is up, more posts to come!! Oh, and later this week I will post about Scrumbles, because he has been on my mind so, so very much lately as we approach the year of our losing him. My heart is heavy.
-Em
More Frequent Check-Ins
So Sunday afternoon I almost went to the hospital because I hadn't really felt baby give any good kicks all day, or the night before. I got dressed, decided I'd doppler her just to make myself feel better and she kicked the doppler off my stomach, and then went ballistic. So I did not go to the hospital.
My husband noted that we have a pattern. It's two days of movement, one day of quiet. So I'm going to start logging on here more frequently so I remember where we are in this pattern.
Friday July 1 - Lots of movement
Saturday July 2 - Movement in AM, quiet in PM
Sunday July 3 - Quiet almost all day
Monday July 4 - Movement almost all day
Tuesday July 5 - Movement in the AM, and overnight
Wed July 6 - Hardly any movement in the AM
This isn't really helpful to anyone but me, but so be it!!
Wednesday we have our first NST (non-stress test). I am excited to go in and hear her heartbeat for 30 minutes. I am going to ask if she'll write me a note to wear tennis shoes to work. My hips have been pretty brutally painful. It's my left buttock, and it pulls sometimes so bad I almost fall down. I will also be calling the chiropractor. Even though she charges like $75 dollars, I think it will be worth it to go and get things adjusted. Probably next week.
The following Wednesday we have our next growth scan, a non-stress test, and then an appointment. I'm thinking I'll take the whole day off work and use the afternoon to work on getting our house organized. OR I'll just take a half day, and take a full day after the next ultrasound day / after the shower when I can put stuff away and do laundry. That makes more sense. Especially since I'll want to come in and work on projects.
I've officially created a countdown at my desk. 35 days left (give or take 1 or 2) until her EDD. Which means I have 35 days to get every project I'm working on wrapped up, the temp trained, and my desk essentailly cleared out in case anything happens while I'm gone (they move me, they fire me, etc.)
I also found my FitBit, and I'm going to start wearing that. I've been having daily headaches, which I think is from looking at my phone too much, but just in case we're getting Pre-E signs, I want my heartrate being tracked.
So yea, that is what is up, more posts to come!! Oh, and later this week I will post about Scrumbles, because he has been on my mind so, so very much lately as we approach the year of our losing him. My heart is heavy.
-Em
My husband noted that we have a pattern. It's two days of movement, one day of quiet. So I'm going to start logging on here more frequently so I remember where we are in this pattern.
Friday July 1 - Lots of movement
Saturday July 2 - Movement in AM, quiet in PM
Sunday July 3 - Quiet almost all day
Monday July 4 - Movement almost all day
Tuesday July 5 - Movement in the AM, and overnight
Wed July 6 - Hardly any movement in the AM
This isn't really helpful to anyone but me, but so be it!!
Wednesday we have our first NST (non-stress test). I am excited to go in and hear her heartbeat for 30 minutes. I am going to ask if she'll write me a note to wear tennis shoes to work. My hips have been pretty brutally painful. It's my left buttock, and it pulls sometimes so bad I almost fall down. I will also be calling the chiropractor. Even though she charges like $75 dollars, I think it will be worth it to go and get things adjusted. Probably next week.
The following Wednesday we have our next growth scan, a non-stress test, and then an appointment. I'm thinking I'll take the whole day off work and use the afternoon to work on getting our house organized. OR I'll just take a half day, and take a full day after the next ultrasound day / after the shower when I can put stuff away and do laundry. That makes more sense. Especially since I'll want to come in and work on projects.
I've officially created a countdown at my desk. 35 days left (give or take 1 or 2) until her EDD. Which means I have 35 days to get every project I'm working on wrapped up, the temp trained, and my desk essentailly cleared out in case anything happens while I'm gone (they move me, they fire me, etc.)
I also found my FitBit, and I'm going to start wearing that. I've been having daily headaches, which I think is from looking at my phone too much, but just in case we're getting Pre-E signs, I want my heartrate being tracked.
So yea, that is what is up, more posts to come!! Oh, and later this week I will post about Scrumbles, because he has been on my mind so, so very much lately as we approach the year of our losing him. My heart is heavy.
-Em
Friday, June 24, 2016
Bad news (big) bears....
Just got the call from my doctor. Baby girl is measuring TWO WEEKS ahead :( her tummy is bigger than her skull, so we are definitely seeing the effects of Gestational Diabetes.
This is a wakeup call for me. I have been VERY good about the diet, but not as stringent as I should be. So now we are going to make some drastic changes. Because I don't want anything happening to this little girl. Especially don't want her in the NICU after delivery with low blood sugars :(
Alright here we go:
Time to get serious.
Poor little baby, she doesn't deserve to have GD or insulin issues. That's why I need to take control. I am mommy now.
-Frustrated
This is a wakeup call for me. I have been VERY good about the diet, but not as stringent as I should be. So now we are going to make some drastic changes. Because I don't want anything happening to this little girl. Especially don't want her in the NICU after delivery with low blood sugars :(
Alright here we go:
- Exercise - 3x a week, even if it's a piddly little walk
- No more artificial sugars (that's right - no more diet sodas, no more gatorades, nothing)
- No more caffeine
- Less red meat / More white meat
- 1 vegetable with every meal - no excuses
- Fruits as snacks instead of crackers/breads
Time to get serious.
Poor little baby, she doesn't deserve to have GD or insulin issues. That's why I need to take control. I am mommy now.
-Frustrated
Big 'ol baby
Growth scan at 31 weeks complete. What we learned? Baby is head down, way back by my spine ( thank you, Baby!) completely tucked away and padded and... big. I mean, like, 90th percentile big. Thank you, Gestational Diabetes.
She is also just genetically predisposed to being big -- her mommy and daddy are tall and huge!
So, here is what we could pick up from reading the screen as the tech was working her magic -
Skull - measuring 31 weeks, 5 days
Tummy - measuring 32 weeks
Thigh bone - measuring 34 weeks
Most of the other measurements were around 32 weeks, and had an EDD of 8/17/2016. Which is about ten days early. Which is about what I have been saying (a week early). Since my doctor has already mentioned c-section, I have a feeling if baby doesn't come on her own, she won't let her get too big and we will have a cut off time.
The weight guess is 4 lbs 10 ounces. Which has a +/- variance of 1 lb. So she is between 3 lbs 10 oz - 5 lbs 10 oz. "average" for this age is 3 lbs 3 ounces, which means no matter what, we're ahead of average. Which we knew.
I do feel like less of a pansy for all this pain I feel since she is probbly around 4 lbs. I mean, if she was 2 lbs and I was hurting this much it'd be like "come on, girl, get over it" but considering she is almost baby-sized, I feel a little better!
So yes, 9 weeks to go... 1/2 a pound added each week, means 4.5 more pounds, or putting us around 9lb 2oz. Eegads.
Still just waiting on a call from my doctor to get her official feedback. I doubt she'll move our EDD, but I know we'll be watching this baby and my blood pressure pretty closely.
Also, she has her daddy's chin. She's going to look like him sooo much. That's my guess/hope, anyways. :)
More next Wednesday when we go in for our very first non-stress test, and another appointment.
-Em
She is also just genetically predisposed to being big -- her mommy and daddy are tall and huge!
So, here is what we could pick up from reading the screen as the tech was working her magic -
Skull - measuring 31 weeks, 5 days
Tummy - measuring 32 weeks
Thigh bone - measuring 34 weeks
Most of the other measurements were around 32 weeks, and had an EDD of 8/17/2016. Which is about ten days early. Which is about what I have been saying (a week early). Since my doctor has already mentioned c-section, I have a feeling if baby doesn't come on her own, she won't let her get too big and we will have a cut off time.
The weight guess is 4 lbs 10 ounces. Which has a +/- variance of 1 lb. So she is between 3 lbs 10 oz - 5 lbs 10 oz. "average" for this age is 3 lbs 3 ounces, which means no matter what, we're ahead of average. Which we knew.
I do feel like less of a pansy for all this pain I feel since she is probbly around 4 lbs. I mean, if she was 2 lbs and I was hurting this much it'd be like "come on, girl, get over it" but considering she is almost baby-sized, I feel a little better!
So yes, 9 weeks to go... 1/2 a pound added each week, means 4.5 more pounds, or putting us around 9lb 2oz. Eegads.
Still just waiting on a call from my doctor to get her official feedback. I doubt she'll move our EDD, but I know we'll be watching this baby and my blood pressure pretty closely.
Also, she has her daddy's chin. She's going to look like him sooo much. That's my guess/hope, anyways. :)
More next Wednesday when we go in for our very first non-stress test, and another appointment.
-Em
Thursday, June 23, 2016
Friday Growth Scan Anticipation...
I'll admit it, the majority of this pregnancy I have mostly been scared.
Now that baby girl is giving me good movement with somewhat consistency and we've had my OB look at an US and tell me everything looked okay, I am starting to get excited, and honestly? Breathe a little. As long as nothing happens internally, if she pulls the evacuate cord, we'd most likely be okay.
So, knowing that tomorrow my husband and I get to go look at our baby with an ultrasound technician and see how she's growing, I am starting to get excited. Is this how most women feel the majority of their pregnancies? I haven' really anticipated an ultrasound with excitement--mostly just trepidation. But this? This is a much better feeling.
I'll have more updates tomorrow, but for now, I just want to kind of reflect on things. I will be 31 weeks tomorrow, and my mentality about this is starting to shift, so I think I should log a bit of what is going on around me.
1. My old boss from London made a comment on a picture I posted of our nursery. "Yea... you're never going back to London, are you?" Little sassy pants. What I wanted to say was "Fuck off, that's mean and you're being a jerk." but after reflecting on it a bit, what I really feel is.... "Sometimes in life, you have to stop spinning your wheels in the mud. Sometimes you have to stop looking backwards, and forge a path forwards." I was so stuck in my cycle. "MUST GET TO LONDON!" that was my battlecry for SIX years. And guess where it got me? Nowhere. What I've learned is that to get somewhere that special, you have to work your tail off and earn it. Sure, I could pay $50,000 to go get a degree there, spend a year overseas, and hope that in the end someone will pay for me to stay. Or I can keep putting in my time, building my resume, and become a strong enough candidate that someone will actually pay me to go over there. So yea, my plan is still to live abroad. But I'm taking a different approach to it. And in the meantime? I'm not giving up on other things I think are important in life - a family. stability. What I tell myself is that I can always learn new technologies and how to animate 3D and edit video on the next program if I already have the basic storytelling skillset. But I can't always have a baby. So I've charted a new path. And it took me about 2 days of crying over that stupid comment and reflecting and hating myself for the decisions I have made to come to the conclusion that I wouldn't have done it differently.
2. My mom and dad got the most ADORABLE puppy yet to be named. Ilove him so much, and I think he and Freya will be best friends.
3. The baby room is painted and my mom is working on murals of carousels for us. Making plans a reality scared me at the time, but now I am just happy it is ready for her. As a side note - the Secure Beginnings Breathable Crib Mattress is amazing? But it doesn't fit in our fancy crib. The bars are too thick. So we're going to have to modify the crib somehow. I will let you know how we do that.
4. My husband doesn't want anything to hurt the baby. He doesn't understand how Pack n Plays have bassinets, so he thinks when I say she'll be in a Pack N Play the first few weeks she'll be on the floor. His decision was to sleep on the floor and put her on the bed. I love him so much. He loves her so much. It's adorable.
5. One of BFFs who had a baby in March is giving me a bunch of her supplies that baby didn't use. I am pumped, because we can officially start swapping baby stuff. She thinks she might get pregnant again soon, and I love that, because we'll just continue to hand stuff over as our collection grows. I never thought I'd have friends who would be willing to share, or open to it, or have babies around the same time as us, but now it's happening. God is good.
6. My manager hired a temp for me while I'm out. This is a HUGE honor (in my mind) because it shows I am needed. I get to train the temp in July, and I cannot wait. Training is one of my favorite things to do. I do believe some day I'd love to teach... but that is besides the point. The point is, I am thrilled to have a temp. I hope we work well together. I hope they don't love her more than me ;) I hope she and I work well and we train well together. And it will be a huge relief to have someone else helping out with the way my mind is working now (not so great). And also when my weekly appointments start getting to be a lot of time.
7. I had another miscarriage dream the other night. The anniversary of losing Scrumbles is nearing... July 31. I can't understand why, but I look back on that time following with fondness. My husband and I grew as a couple. Despite the bone-deep excruciating pain and grief, it was a time of self healing. We took care of eachother. We fixed ourselves in a lot of ways. The nights we'd have a few drinks and be in love. The hours of watching funny tv shows and laying in our dark apartment doing nothing... While it was a bout of depression, was also a bout of healing. In some ways, I miss that tiny old apartment. Where we had so much loss and grief. Because it was there that I finally found out how to put myself first. How to self-heal. And how to do what I wanted to do, instead of what everyone around me wanted me to do. Maybe it made me more selfish, but I think I was due some selfishness. And while I don't want to go back to that, trust me, I want this baby healthy and alive, I do have some of the fondest memories of that time. Of letting the cold air of the window units wash over my broken body, as I'd read my bible and think of the future we lost. The excitement at the weirdest things, and the anger. Those emotions-they were new. And I am so glad I felt them and experienced them, because it makes this baby all the more precious to us. It makes the process seem worth it. I've seen the lows. The crushing feel of loss, and now, I can feel my daughter running her fingers along my pubic bone, and telling me she likes donuts and cakes *duh, she's my kid* and I can value the pain even more. Every single second we spend with her (in my womb, and hopefully out) will be cherished. Because I know what it means to only have those few weeks, months, days. And they are sweet and special.
8. I want to get a tattoo for this little girl once she is here. I think it will be a thin pink line wrapping around her brother's feet to make a heart. I'll post pics when I finally decide on art, and when we go to get it.
9. Finances - suck. We are broke as a joke. This is going to be difficult. I am very overwhelmed about the amount of projects our house needs and what this baby will cost and how expensive our lives are with my husband in school. But I also feel confident we can do it. As long as we get ourselves in check and start prioritizing getting out of debt. I listen to Dave Ramsey weekly, trying to get a handle on a plan. And we are just putting every extra penny towards the baby or towards our debt. I am officially chopping up all my credit cards tonight except for one that will be used as an emergency card.
Anyways, there's more, but that's just a summary. Today, my heart is at peace (mostly because I killed a cricket that was keeping me awake all night, and finally slept for the first time in two weeks.)
-Em
Now that baby girl is giving me good movement with somewhat consistency and we've had my OB look at an US and tell me everything looked okay, I am starting to get excited, and honestly? Breathe a little. As long as nothing happens internally, if she pulls the evacuate cord, we'd most likely be okay.
So, knowing that tomorrow my husband and I get to go look at our baby with an ultrasound technician and see how she's growing, I am starting to get excited. Is this how most women feel the majority of their pregnancies? I haven' really anticipated an ultrasound with excitement--mostly just trepidation. But this? This is a much better feeling.
I'll have more updates tomorrow, but for now, I just want to kind of reflect on things. I will be 31 weeks tomorrow, and my mentality about this is starting to shift, so I think I should log a bit of what is going on around me.
1. My old boss from London made a comment on a picture I posted of our nursery. "Yea... you're never going back to London, are you?" Little sassy pants. What I wanted to say was "Fuck off, that's mean and you're being a jerk." but after reflecting on it a bit, what I really feel is.... "Sometimes in life, you have to stop spinning your wheels in the mud. Sometimes you have to stop looking backwards, and forge a path forwards." I was so stuck in my cycle. "MUST GET TO LONDON!" that was my battlecry for SIX years. And guess where it got me? Nowhere. What I've learned is that to get somewhere that special, you have to work your tail off and earn it. Sure, I could pay $50,000 to go get a degree there, spend a year overseas, and hope that in the end someone will pay for me to stay. Or I can keep putting in my time, building my resume, and become a strong enough candidate that someone will actually pay me to go over there. So yea, my plan is still to live abroad. But I'm taking a different approach to it. And in the meantime? I'm not giving up on other things I think are important in life - a family. stability. What I tell myself is that I can always learn new technologies and how to animate 3D and edit video on the next program if I already have the basic storytelling skillset. But I can't always have a baby. So I've charted a new path. And it took me about 2 days of crying over that stupid comment and reflecting and hating myself for the decisions I have made to come to the conclusion that I wouldn't have done it differently.
2. My mom and dad got the most ADORABLE puppy yet to be named. Ilove him so much, and I think he and Freya will be best friends.
3. The baby room is painted and my mom is working on murals of carousels for us. Making plans a reality scared me at the time, but now I am just happy it is ready for her. As a side note - the Secure Beginnings Breathable Crib Mattress is amazing? But it doesn't fit in our fancy crib. The bars are too thick. So we're going to have to modify the crib somehow. I will let you know how we do that.
4. My husband doesn't want anything to hurt the baby. He doesn't understand how Pack n Plays have bassinets, so he thinks when I say she'll be in a Pack N Play the first few weeks she'll be on the floor. His decision was to sleep on the floor and put her on the bed. I love him so much. He loves her so much. It's adorable.
5. One of BFFs who had a baby in March is giving me a bunch of her supplies that baby didn't use. I am pumped, because we can officially start swapping baby stuff. She thinks she might get pregnant again soon, and I love that, because we'll just continue to hand stuff over as our collection grows. I never thought I'd have friends who would be willing to share, or open to it, or have babies around the same time as us, but now it's happening. God is good.
6. My manager hired a temp for me while I'm out. This is a HUGE honor (in my mind) because it shows I am needed. I get to train the temp in July, and I cannot wait. Training is one of my favorite things to do. I do believe some day I'd love to teach... but that is besides the point. The point is, I am thrilled to have a temp. I hope we work well together. I hope they don't love her more than me ;) I hope she and I work well and we train well together. And it will be a huge relief to have someone else helping out with the way my mind is working now (not so great). And also when my weekly appointments start getting to be a lot of time.
7. I had another miscarriage dream the other night. The anniversary of losing Scrumbles is nearing... July 31. I can't understand why, but I look back on that time following with fondness. My husband and I grew as a couple. Despite the bone-deep excruciating pain and grief, it was a time of self healing. We took care of eachother. We fixed ourselves in a lot of ways. The nights we'd have a few drinks and be in love. The hours of watching funny tv shows and laying in our dark apartment doing nothing... While it was a bout of depression, was also a bout of healing. In some ways, I miss that tiny old apartment. Where we had so much loss and grief. Because it was there that I finally found out how to put myself first. How to self-heal. And how to do what I wanted to do, instead of what everyone around me wanted me to do. Maybe it made me more selfish, but I think I was due some selfishness. And while I don't want to go back to that, trust me, I want this baby healthy and alive, I do have some of the fondest memories of that time. Of letting the cold air of the window units wash over my broken body, as I'd read my bible and think of the future we lost. The excitement at the weirdest things, and the anger. Those emotions-they were new. And I am so glad I felt them and experienced them, because it makes this baby all the more precious to us. It makes the process seem worth it. I've seen the lows. The crushing feel of loss, and now, I can feel my daughter running her fingers along my pubic bone, and telling me she likes donuts and cakes *duh, she's my kid* and I can value the pain even more. Every single second we spend with her (in my womb, and hopefully out) will be cherished. Because I know what it means to only have those few weeks, months, days. And they are sweet and special.
8. I want to get a tattoo for this little girl once she is here. I think it will be a thin pink line wrapping around her brother's feet to make a heart. I'll post pics when I finally decide on art, and when we go to get it.
9. Finances - suck. We are broke as a joke. This is going to be difficult. I am very overwhelmed about the amount of projects our house needs and what this baby will cost and how expensive our lives are with my husband in school. But I also feel confident we can do it. As long as we get ourselves in check and start prioritizing getting out of debt. I listen to Dave Ramsey weekly, trying to get a handle on a plan. And we are just putting every extra penny towards the baby or towards our debt. I am officially chopping up all my credit cards tonight except for one that will be used as an emergency card.
Anyways, there's more, but that's just a summary. Today, my heart is at peace (mostly because I killed a cricket that was keeping me awake all night, and finally slept for the first time in two weeks.)
-Em
Thursday, June 16, 2016
10 Weeks and Counting!!!!!
Went to the doctor yesterday and got a lot of my questions answered. I am feeling so much better about things as far as care and how we will progress.
So, my crazy 'bike' hip pain is just... pregnancy. She said that she sees overweight girls, and skinny girls, all with the same symptoms. I was advised to wear looser-fitting clothing as it gets warm, because I am going to get too hot if not, and it will help my lady parts air out. Good advice in general, but hard for someone who likes to have a lot of layers! I actually stole my husband's boxers today to wear under my skirt instead of my usual bike shorts. It is definitely cooler, and not feeling a huge difference in comfortable-ness. So that worked well. I also ordered a pair of super loose shorts to wear around the house.
So, I almost had a heart attack at the appointment, because she couldn't find baby's heart beat with the doppler. Which warranted an ultrasound. The US room was busy, so we had to wait 20 minutes to get in. Once we did, baby was NOT moving. She must have been asleep, but my doctor found the HB within seconds and she was at 135.
We went and had dinner after, and baby woke up a bit. But still, it was a slow day for her. I think this heat has everyone just trying to relax. I know the uterus maintains a constant temp, but... I'm a big puddle of blah.
So here is the plan -
Since anxiety stems from fear of the unknown, my biggest concerns - not enough oxygen getting to baby, previa, sleeping on my back and cutting off circulation, random still born, and deteriorating placenta - will all be monitored at these non-stress tests. I am so beyond relieved. I know that it's going to be a lot of time at the office, but it's worth it. And I know we still have ten weeks left, so we aren't even like within reasonable delivery time, but... this is the final stretch. We've got to cross the finish line, and I'm willing to take modern medicine's help if possible.
Also, the official "when to call" regarding kick counts - If I don't feel her when I normally do, and when I take a break TO feel her and still don't, we call. The doctor's example was - if you don't really notice her moving at work, and then get home, lay on your side and have a cold drink and still nothing for an hour, you call. I mean, a lot of the advice i read online is like "babies get sleepy" but... according to my doctor, I need to call. I feel better knowing this. And having some kind of mental gauge. I am also starting to track her active times, so I know when she is usually up.
My good friend who is pregnant has opted out of all testing. I envy her laid-back demeanor, but as much as hospitals can screw things up... something about having someone smarter than me checking on this tiny human is a relief. I know it's all pretty much up to baby and the placenta at this point, but we can do what we can to make sure she is safe.
Now here is hoping blood pressure stays low and pre-eclampsia stays away.
We are so close, I am so in love with this baby... Taking in my last deep breath and soon to exhale as we round the corner on this journey called pregnancy.
10 weeks. 10 weeks. 10 weeks. 10 more Mondays!
-Emily
So, my crazy 'bike' hip pain is just... pregnancy. She said that she sees overweight girls, and skinny girls, all with the same symptoms. I was advised to wear looser-fitting clothing as it gets warm, because I am going to get too hot if not, and it will help my lady parts air out. Good advice in general, but hard for someone who likes to have a lot of layers! I actually stole my husband's boxers today to wear under my skirt instead of my usual bike shorts. It is definitely cooler, and not feeling a huge difference in comfortable-ness. So that worked well. I also ordered a pair of super loose shorts to wear around the house.
So, I almost had a heart attack at the appointment, because she couldn't find baby's heart beat with the doppler. Which warranted an ultrasound. The US room was busy, so we had to wait 20 minutes to get in. Once we did, baby was NOT moving. She must have been asleep, but my doctor found the HB within seconds and she was at 135.
We went and had dinner after, and baby woke up a bit. But still, it was a slow day for her. I think this heat has everyone just trying to relax. I know the uterus maintains a constant temp, but... I'm a big puddle of blah.
So here is the plan -
- Next Friday I go in for an official growth scan where we'll estimate how much she weighs. That will dictate what we do going forward. (The weight estimates can be 1 lb off in either direction, so we are taking this number with that in mind).
- The following week I go in for my 32 week appointment. From there on out, we will do non-stress tests on the baby weekly. This is because of the diabetes. So she'll hook her up and listen to her heart for 20 minutes and make sure it sounds okay. There will be a month of weekly visits.
- IF I get put on the glucose lowering drug, the non-stress tests will happen twice weekly. As much as I love being closely monitored, that is a lot even for me. I'm not sure how I will swing it with work, but it must be done. However, we are still going to try to maintain levels with exercise and diet. That's the plan.
- At 36 weeks she will start checking my cervix for dilation, and fluids around the baby. She looked last night and everything looked good. I am so so so relieved.
Since anxiety stems from fear of the unknown, my biggest concerns - not enough oxygen getting to baby, previa, sleeping on my back and cutting off circulation, random still born, and deteriorating placenta - will all be monitored at these non-stress tests. I am so beyond relieved. I know that it's going to be a lot of time at the office, but it's worth it. And I know we still have ten weeks left, so we aren't even like within reasonable delivery time, but... this is the final stretch. We've got to cross the finish line, and I'm willing to take modern medicine's help if possible.
Also, the official "when to call" regarding kick counts - If I don't feel her when I normally do, and when I take a break TO feel her and still don't, we call. The doctor's example was - if you don't really notice her moving at work, and then get home, lay on your side and have a cold drink and still nothing for an hour, you call. I mean, a lot of the advice i read online is like "babies get sleepy" but... according to my doctor, I need to call. I feel better knowing this. And having some kind of mental gauge. I am also starting to track her active times, so I know when she is usually up.
My good friend who is pregnant has opted out of all testing. I envy her laid-back demeanor, but as much as hospitals can screw things up... something about having someone smarter than me checking on this tiny human is a relief. I know it's all pretty much up to baby and the placenta at this point, but we can do what we can to make sure she is safe.
Now here is hoping blood pressure stays low and pre-eclampsia stays away.
We are so close, I am so in love with this baby... Taking in my last deep breath and soon to exhale as we round the corner on this journey called pregnancy.
10 weeks. 10 weeks. 10 weeks. 10 more Mondays!
-Emily
Monday, June 13, 2016
Goodbye, motivation!
This weekend was rough. Several times I thought I might be having contractions or going into labor. Nope, just my hips. Always my hips!
Friday afternoon and Saturday it felt like a wasp had stung my urethra (I wish that was an exaggeration). I thought I was getting a UTI infection. I did some reading, and others said it was just pressure and hips spreading. Okay, so Saturday and Sunday I did NOTHING. Laid around in bed, rested, no extreme movements. By Sunday afternoon the pain had waned.
This morning (Monday) I can feel it again, but not like last week. Friday I had stood for about an hour and a half chatting with people, and then walked across campus twice, so I am wondering if that aggravated the feeling. Thursday I went swimming, so maybe some combination of the two caused the pain.
Either way, I will be mentioning it at my OB appointment on Wednesday. I originally planned to move the appointment back to Monday the 20th, but my anxiety is getting the best of me right now. I am so grateful for my therapist, who I saw Saturday for the first time in three weeks. She really does help me calm myself down, and put things in perspective. Also, a good friend who is coming out of that three month newborn fog reached out, and she helped ease some of my fears. So Saturday, in tears, in bed, debating going to L&D.... to today, feeling slightly calmer and in less pain.
I am making a list to ask the doctor Wednesday.
Stuff like-
I'm sure this list will grow over the next three days.
Anyways, aside from that, trying to focus on positive outcomes. I am picturing baby girl sliding out without issues, hearing her cry, and then feeling her on my chest and counting her perfect little fingers and toes. Picturing us wrapped in a warm light of love and hope. That's my reality. That's the reality I am imagining.
Yesterday I was laying on my side in bed, just with my hand on the left side of my belly button, and I swear I felt her foot. It was hard and small, pushing against my hand. It was the single coolest thing I think I've ever experienced. My daughter's little foot stretching out.
I love her so, so much. If anything happened, I am not sure I could recover. I would be devastated. I know I would learn to go on, but this ... amount of love. This amount of love can be devastating. it is scary. But I'm letting it happen, slowly, because she needs it. She needs all of our love for the time we have her. And if my image of August 26th comes true, she'll get love on the outside, too. But for now, I am channeling my love inward.
Anyways, I should know more Wednesday after the appointment. Just wanted to get it off my chest here how terrified I am, how much I want her safe, and how my therapy is helping me take control of the situation where I can, and demand answers for the care I'm paying for. Not that my OB isn't already doing this as if everything was going well ( because it is), but I need a little extra coddling ,and she needs to know that.
We also still have to go get the TDapp... D-Tapp? I can't remember. Anyways, it's whooping couch. I'm a little hesitant with all these fetal vaccinations, but since it is in the area, I suppose we need to do it before she's here as opposed to after.
Life is crazy. I will tell you that.
Friday I have taken the day off work to get the nursery ready with my mom. I am excited, but doing this stuff also worries me. Planning for the best, but preparing for the worst might be where my head is at right now. Trying to find happiness in this stuff, but it scares me.
Anyways, love. That's all it is. Just love. That's all we can do.
-Em
Friday afternoon and Saturday it felt like a wasp had stung my urethra (I wish that was an exaggeration). I thought I was getting a UTI infection. I did some reading, and others said it was just pressure and hips spreading. Okay, so Saturday and Sunday I did NOTHING. Laid around in bed, rested, no extreme movements. By Sunday afternoon the pain had waned.
This morning (Monday) I can feel it again, but not like last week. Friday I had stood for about an hour and a half chatting with people, and then walked across campus twice, so I am wondering if that aggravated the feeling. Thursday I went swimming, so maybe some combination of the two caused the pain.
Either way, I will be mentioning it at my OB appointment on Wednesday. I originally planned to move the appointment back to Monday the 20th, but my anxiety is getting the best of me right now. I am so grateful for my therapist, who I saw Saturday for the first time in three weeks. She really does help me calm myself down, and put things in perspective. Also, a good friend who is coming out of that three month newborn fog reached out, and she helped ease some of my fears. So Saturday, in tears, in bed, debating going to L&D.... to today, feeling slightly calmer and in less pain.
I am making a list to ask the doctor Wednesday.
Stuff like-
- What is the plan for the next two and a half months? (I can't keep going and not knowing what to expect. Anxiety, by definition, is the fear of the unknown. So it's time to take control of these appointments). I also want to schedule as many appointments as she'll let me so I can make sure work is informed in advance of when I'll be out.
- I want to know how we'll measure the baby, and make sure the placenta is still okay. How many kicks is too many/not enough. (Welcome to anxiety, where TOO MANY KICKS is a concern.)
- What happens if my GD numbers get too crazy?
- Blood pressure?
- Swelling?
- When do I call in to prevent a problem, or when am I being too paranoid?
I'm sure this list will grow over the next three days.
Anyways, aside from that, trying to focus on positive outcomes. I am picturing baby girl sliding out without issues, hearing her cry, and then feeling her on my chest and counting her perfect little fingers and toes. Picturing us wrapped in a warm light of love and hope. That's my reality. That's the reality I am imagining.
Yesterday I was laying on my side in bed, just with my hand on the left side of my belly button, and I swear I felt her foot. It was hard and small, pushing against my hand. It was the single coolest thing I think I've ever experienced. My daughter's little foot stretching out.
I love her so, so much. If anything happened, I am not sure I could recover. I would be devastated. I know I would learn to go on, but this ... amount of love. This amount of love can be devastating. it is scary. But I'm letting it happen, slowly, because she needs it. She needs all of our love for the time we have her. And if my image of August 26th comes true, she'll get love on the outside, too. But for now, I am channeling my love inward.
Anyways, I should know more Wednesday after the appointment. Just wanted to get it off my chest here how terrified I am, how much I want her safe, and how my therapy is helping me take control of the situation where I can, and demand answers for the care I'm paying for. Not that my OB isn't already doing this as if everything was going well ( because it is), but I need a little extra coddling ,and she needs to know that.
We also still have to go get the TDapp... D-Tapp? I can't remember. Anyways, it's whooping couch. I'm a little hesitant with all these fetal vaccinations, but since it is in the area, I suppose we need to do it before she's here as opposed to after.
Life is crazy. I will tell you that.
Friday I have taken the day off work to get the nursery ready with my mom. I am excited, but doing this stuff also worries me. Planning for the best, but preparing for the worst might be where my head is at right now. Trying to find happiness in this stuff, but it scares me.
Anyways, love. That's all it is. Just love. That's all we can do.
-Em
Thursday, June 9, 2016
ERGH
I am beyond frustrated.
Baby girl seems to have 'moved' back down low. I don't feel any kicks in my upper abdomen. It's all low (on my butt, cervix, back, pubic bone). Is this when they 'drop'? It feels far too early for that, we still have 11 weeks to go.
My doctor had to reschedule my next appointment, so I pushed it back three days, but I am going to call today and see if I can take an earlier appointment because I just hate waiting between appointments and now with the less noticable/slower movement, I'm freaking out.
She was so active that I felt her pretty much all day. Now, it's just occasional. I tried doing kick counts and never got to ten yesterday, so I think it's time to call the OB.
Come on August, get here.
-Worried, as usual.
Thursday, June 2, 2016
The Final Countdown
My OB said it best with, "I can't believe you're entering into the third trimester already!"
... How are we only twelve weeks way from baby time? I mean, twelve weeks is going to probably feel like twelve months... but it does feel like the past 28 weeks have been a blur (a blur of stress, anxiety, doctors visits, and concern. But a blur, nonetheless).
Yesterday we had our 28 week appointment. Much to my dismay, there was no fundal height measuring, no cervix checking, and no belly width measurements. I was under the impression that starting at 28 weeks we started getting measured. So I left the doctor's office pretty upset and anxious. Then I talked to my friends and cousins, and apparently if everything is "normal" they won't start looking for problems until a little later. Okay... seems okay to me. Next appointment I will be asking about what the measurements will be, how things will be tracked, and getting more information. The not knowing for someone with my personality is the worse. I get let down any time I have an expectation. So next appointment (in two weeks) we will be setting expectations.
Diabetes Update - I officially have crossed the threshold into Gestational Diabetes (earlier I was just dipping my toes in the diabetic waters). My morning numbers range from 85-97, putting my on the high end of normal. Tuesday I went to the GD training session, and I have to say, I would recommend all pregnant women attend this type of training. It teaches you how to eat to feed the baby, which is really valuable and I was definitely doing it wrong. I was cutting too many carbs, so all weekend I felt sick, nauseous and light-headed. I think that also was a stomach bug I inherited from a coworker. That all combined was no good. But now that I'm trying to follow my customized meal plan, things seem to be better. I am not eating enough carbs during my snacks, and eating too many during meals, which is why my levels are spiking. So we are going to try to level it out by bumping the carbs throughout the day. The best way to look at the gd diet is as a daily budget. I am allowed 12-14 carbs a day (most women get 10-12, but I'm a big girl). So I need to spend them wisely and evenly. If you are on the borderline of a GD diagnosis, I recommend just taking the plunge and going to the class. You will learn a lot!
The follow up session will be next Tuesday when we go over my food and numbers and see how things are progressing. Crazy!
As far as the pregnancy, things seem okay. Baby is kicking away. Last night I did the first official kick count. My stomach sometimes feels bloated and detached, and it is painful, but I imagine that will only continue as it gets bigger. She kicks a lot and I love it. I love feeling her in there. Even when she does the creepy little tiny movements down by my pantyline.
Swimming has offiically started, too. Since my hips seem to be deteriorating in strength, the pool will be my go-to. I have committed to three days of swimming a week. Doable, depending on weather. Once we get into July I doubt weather will be a big factor, as it's always in the 90s+ and hot and sunny here. So that's good stuff.
Overall a good update. I will say the hormones are OUT OF CONTROL. I am sad, mad, irritated, angry, upset, excited, elated... constantly. I am rarely even. I know I was somewhat of a rollercoaster before, but this morning I woke up and found out my husband threw away my lunch for today, and I wanted to throw myself on the floor and throw a tantrum. It is amazing the spikes in emotion!
Alrighty, well, that's it for now. OH, I got the Rhogam shot, and a blood draw for something. And a prescriptiong for TDapp. (That's whooping cough I believe). Crazy to think we're so close now...
-Emily
... How are we only twelve weeks way from baby time? I mean, twelve weeks is going to probably feel like twelve months... but it does feel like the past 28 weeks have been a blur (a blur of stress, anxiety, doctors visits, and concern. But a blur, nonetheless).
Yesterday we had our 28 week appointment. Much to my dismay, there was no fundal height measuring, no cervix checking, and no belly width measurements. I was under the impression that starting at 28 weeks we started getting measured. So I left the doctor's office pretty upset and anxious. Then I talked to my friends and cousins, and apparently if everything is "normal" they won't start looking for problems until a little later. Okay... seems okay to me. Next appointment I will be asking about what the measurements will be, how things will be tracked, and getting more information. The not knowing for someone with my personality is the worse. I get let down any time I have an expectation. So next appointment (in two weeks) we will be setting expectations.
Diabetes Update - I officially have crossed the threshold into Gestational Diabetes (earlier I was just dipping my toes in the diabetic waters). My morning numbers range from 85-97, putting my on the high end of normal. Tuesday I went to the GD training session, and I have to say, I would recommend all pregnant women attend this type of training. It teaches you how to eat to feed the baby, which is really valuable and I was definitely doing it wrong. I was cutting too many carbs, so all weekend I felt sick, nauseous and light-headed. I think that also was a stomach bug I inherited from a coworker. That all combined was no good. But now that I'm trying to follow my customized meal plan, things seem to be better. I am not eating enough carbs during my snacks, and eating too many during meals, which is why my levels are spiking. So we are going to try to level it out by bumping the carbs throughout the day. The best way to look at the gd diet is as a daily budget. I am allowed 12-14 carbs a day (most women get 10-12, but I'm a big girl). So I need to spend them wisely and evenly. If you are on the borderline of a GD diagnosis, I recommend just taking the plunge and going to the class. You will learn a lot!
The follow up session will be next Tuesday when we go over my food and numbers and see how things are progressing. Crazy!
As far as the pregnancy, things seem okay. Baby is kicking away. Last night I did the first official kick count. My stomach sometimes feels bloated and detached, and it is painful, but I imagine that will only continue as it gets bigger. She kicks a lot and I love it. I love feeling her in there. Even when she does the creepy little tiny movements down by my pantyline.
Swimming has offiically started, too. Since my hips seem to be deteriorating in strength, the pool will be my go-to. I have committed to three days of swimming a week. Doable, depending on weather. Once we get into July I doubt weather will be a big factor, as it's always in the 90s+ and hot and sunny here. So that's good stuff.
Overall a good update. I will say the hormones are OUT OF CONTROL. I am sad, mad, irritated, angry, upset, excited, elated... constantly. I am rarely even. I know I was somewhat of a rollercoaster before, but this morning I woke up and found out my husband threw away my lunch for today, and I wanted to throw myself on the floor and throw a tantrum. It is amazing the spikes in emotion!
Alrighty, well, that's it for now. OH, I got the Rhogam shot, and a blood draw for something. And a prescriptiong for TDapp. (That's whooping cough I believe). Crazy to think we're so close now...
-Emily
Wednesday, May 18, 2016
I feel like I've been Pregnant Forever...
If you add up the amount of time I was pregnant with Scrumbles (3.5 months) with my current length of pregnancy (6.5 months) I have been pregnant for 10 months. The length of a full-term pregnancy. And I have zero babies to show for it. I know this little nugget is cooking in there, and she BETTER be okay, but oh my God, that's a LONG TIME to give your body to someone else. And my husband and I are both feeling the effects of it.
I know they say that children change your relationship. I believe it, trust me. in fact? It's my number one fear. But just being an incubator to a new human changes your relationship. Maybe for others it's not as noticeable, but due to my sever anxiety and our fear of intimacy killing our baby, we have been living like roommates for six and a half months. And it SUCKS.
Orgasms can induce contractions. Sex usually leads to pieces of my mucus plug dislodging. We love this baby so much that we put "us" on hold. But that is killing "us". Because you can only live with someone for so long who you love without intimacy and not feel a shift in the force. So to speak. I don't know, we are really struggling right now with that. My therapist and doctor both are trying to get me to relax and feel 'normal' and enjoy life. I have put myself in what I envision as a little pill capsule--trying to keep harmful things out to make sure the baby and I are okay. But, as my therapist points out, this creates more stress. Because I can't control my environment, and then when I relax and let stuff in, I get more freaked out.
So, I've been trying to relax. Trying to let life happen and ENJOY this experience. Trying to calm the F down and just be happy with how things are going. And I am doing it small, measured steps. But the one thing we're just too scared to do is sex. Sigh. I am hoping by 4 more weeks I'll feel less stressed about contractions and we'll know she'd be okay if something did happen. But for now, we just couldn't forgive ourselves.
I keep saying "our next pregnancy will not be like this"... I just feel like if I can make one healthy baby who survives the process I'll trust myself more. I guess that's the crux of the issue: I don't trust my body. Maybe I never have? Maybe that's why I feed it crap and let it become a big blob of fat. Maybe that is going to be something I learn throughout these 14 months of pregnancy. How to trust my body, and treat it nicely. Maybe that will open the lock that seems to have been rusted shut on my physical happiness. We shall see.
So yesterday I got a call from the OB. My numbers are good. Yay! But she thinks that due to the spikes (138, 148, 145) that I will end up with gestational diabetes. I did some reading and apparently it gets harder to manage those sugars as the hormones increase further along in pregnancy. SO, May 31st I go to Gestational Diabetes class. I will sit with a nurse and a dietician and learn how to eat, how to measure, and how to keep my body in line so the baby doesn't come out with any issues. I am excited for diet counseling, but nervous about the thought of the sugars getting harder to control.
And as if on cue, yesterday my post-lunch numbers were 152 - the highest yet. I even double checked and it was accurate. So while I'm happy we are being proactive, I'm scared. Again, this is a time to start trusting my body. Trust it to tell me what it needs, when it's full, and that I can give myself the nutrients we need while still being healthy. I also think that once I start swimming regularly the numbers will go down. I have down absolutely no cardio in about two months. And I know that affects sugar levels. So I will be looking forward to Memorial Day Weekend when pools open and I can active again.
Update on feeling baby move - I think she must be sitting with her back to my stomach, because I feel her deep and low, and very infrequently. She must not be hitting me in areas that I can really feel. I miss my tummy kicks and playing with her. But as long as she is alive in there, I will be content for now. I can't wait for our 28 week appointment. I hope we do more than just listen to the heartrate. I hear other women say they get their fundal height measured and cervix length. . . These things seem so important to monitor as we get closer. I just hope my OB is going to go the extra steps with those things. It will make me feel a whole lot better.
Alright, well I guess that's it for now. My weight was 301 today, still where we were before, just trying to keep it from going up before June 1st. (Next appt.) Maybe next week i will do some yoga or something just to keep moving.
Oh, something exciting. Today is officially 99 days until our due date! We are under the 100 mark now.... It feels so good to be so close. I just want to snuggle this baby and shower her in love. And put her in her new room and give her the world. She is our world.
-Emily
I know they say that children change your relationship. I believe it, trust me. in fact? It's my number one fear. But just being an incubator to a new human changes your relationship. Maybe for others it's not as noticeable, but due to my sever anxiety and our fear of intimacy killing our baby, we have been living like roommates for six and a half months. And it SUCKS.
Orgasms can induce contractions. Sex usually leads to pieces of my mucus plug dislodging. We love this baby so much that we put "us" on hold. But that is killing "us". Because you can only live with someone for so long who you love without intimacy and not feel a shift in the force. So to speak. I don't know, we are really struggling right now with that. My therapist and doctor both are trying to get me to relax and feel 'normal' and enjoy life. I have put myself in what I envision as a little pill capsule--trying to keep harmful things out to make sure the baby and I are okay. But, as my therapist points out, this creates more stress. Because I can't control my environment, and then when I relax and let stuff in, I get more freaked out.
So, I've been trying to relax. Trying to let life happen and ENJOY this experience. Trying to calm the F down and just be happy with how things are going. And I am doing it small, measured steps. But the one thing we're just too scared to do is sex. Sigh. I am hoping by 4 more weeks I'll feel less stressed about contractions and we'll know she'd be okay if something did happen. But for now, we just couldn't forgive ourselves.
I keep saying "our next pregnancy will not be like this"... I just feel like if I can make one healthy baby who survives the process I'll trust myself more. I guess that's the crux of the issue: I don't trust my body. Maybe I never have? Maybe that's why I feed it crap and let it become a big blob of fat. Maybe that is going to be something I learn throughout these 14 months of pregnancy. How to trust my body, and treat it nicely. Maybe that will open the lock that seems to have been rusted shut on my physical happiness. We shall see.
So yesterday I got a call from the OB. My numbers are good. Yay! But she thinks that due to the spikes (138, 148, 145) that I will end up with gestational diabetes. I did some reading and apparently it gets harder to manage those sugars as the hormones increase further along in pregnancy. SO, May 31st I go to Gestational Diabetes class. I will sit with a nurse and a dietician and learn how to eat, how to measure, and how to keep my body in line so the baby doesn't come out with any issues. I am excited for diet counseling, but nervous about the thought of the sugars getting harder to control.
And as if on cue, yesterday my post-lunch numbers were 152 - the highest yet. I even double checked and it was accurate. So while I'm happy we are being proactive, I'm scared. Again, this is a time to start trusting my body. Trust it to tell me what it needs, when it's full, and that I can give myself the nutrients we need while still being healthy. I also think that once I start swimming regularly the numbers will go down. I have down absolutely no cardio in about two months. And I know that affects sugar levels. So I will be looking forward to Memorial Day Weekend when pools open and I can active again.
Update on feeling baby move - I think she must be sitting with her back to my stomach, because I feel her deep and low, and very infrequently. She must not be hitting me in areas that I can really feel. I miss my tummy kicks and playing with her. But as long as she is alive in there, I will be content for now. I can't wait for our 28 week appointment. I hope we do more than just listen to the heartrate. I hear other women say they get their fundal height measured and cervix length. . . These things seem so important to monitor as we get closer. I just hope my OB is going to go the extra steps with those things. It will make me feel a whole lot better.
Alright, well I guess that's it for now. My weight was 301 today, still where we were before, just trying to keep it from going up before June 1st. (Next appt.) Maybe next week i will do some yoga or something just to keep moving.
Oh, something exciting. Today is officially 99 days until our due date! We are under the 100 mark now.... It feels so good to be so close. I just want to snuggle this baby and shower her in love. And put her in her new room and give her the world. She is our world.
-Emily
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