I'll admit it, the majority of this pregnancy I have mostly been scared.
Now that baby girl is giving me good movement with somewhat consistency and we've had my OB look at an US and tell me everything looked okay, I am starting to get excited, and honestly? Breathe a little. As long as nothing happens internally, if she pulls the evacuate cord, we'd most likely be okay.
So, knowing that tomorrow my husband and I get to go look at our baby with an ultrasound technician and see how she's growing, I am starting to get excited. Is this how most women feel the majority of their pregnancies? I haven' really anticipated an ultrasound with excitement--mostly just trepidation. But this? This is a much better feeling.
I'll have more updates tomorrow, but for now, I just want to kind of reflect on things. I will be 31 weeks tomorrow, and my mentality about this is starting to shift, so I think I should log a bit of what is going on around me.
1. My old boss from London made a comment on a picture I posted of our nursery. "Yea... you're never going back to London, are you?" Little sassy pants. What I wanted to say was "Fuck off, that's mean and you're being a jerk." but after reflecting on it a bit, what I really feel is.... "Sometimes in life, you have to stop spinning your wheels in the mud. Sometimes you have to stop looking backwards, and forge a path forwards." I was so stuck in my cycle. "MUST GET TO LONDON!" that was my battlecry for SIX years. And guess where it got me? Nowhere. What I've learned is that to get somewhere that special, you have to work your tail off and earn it. Sure, I could pay $50,000 to go get a degree there, spend a year overseas, and hope that in the end someone will pay for me to stay. Or I can keep putting in my time, building my resume, and become a strong enough candidate that someone will actually pay me to go over there. So yea, my plan is still to live abroad. But I'm taking a different approach to it. And in the meantime? I'm not giving up on other things I think are important in life - a family. stability. What I tell myself is that I can always learn new technologies and how to animate 3D and edit video on the next program if I already have the basic storytelling skillset. But I can't always have a baby. So I've charted a new path. And it took me about 2 days of crying over that stupid comment and reflecting and hating myself for the decisions I have made to come to the conclusion that I wouldn't have done it differently.
2. My mom and dad got the most ADORABLE puppy yet to be named. Ilove him so much, and I think he and Freya will be best friends.
3. The baby room is painted and my mom is working on murals of carousels for us. Making plans a reality scared me at the time, but now I am just happy it is ready for her. As a side note - the Secure Beginnings Breathable Crib Mattress is amazing? But it doesn't fit in our fancy crib. The bars are too thick. So we're going to have to modify the crib somehow. I will let you know how we do that.
4. My husband doesn't want anything to hurt the baby. He doesn't understand how Pack n Plays have bassinets, so he thinks when I say she'll be in a Pack N Play the first few weeks she'll be on the floor. His decision was to sleep on the floor and put her on the bed. I love him so much. He loves her so much. It's adorable.
5. One of BFFs who had a baby in March is giving me a bunch of her supplies that baby didn't use. I am pumped, because we can officially start swapping baby stuff. She thinks she might get pregnant again soon, and I love that, because we'll just continue to hand stuff over as our collection grows. I never thought I'd have friends who would be willing to share, or open to it, or have babies around the same time as us, but now it's happening. God is good.
6. My manager hired a temp for me while I'm out. This is a HUGE honor (in my mind) because it shows I am needed. I get to train the temp in July, and I cannot wait. Training is one of my favorite things to do. I do believe some day I'd love to teach... but that is besides the point. The point is, I am thrilled to have a temp. I hope we work well together. I hope they don't love her more than me ;) I hope she and I work well and we train well together. And it will be a huge relief to have someone else helping out with the way my mind is working now (not so great). And also when my weekly appointments start getting to be a lot of time.
7. I had another miscarriage dream the other night. The anniversary of losing Scrumbles is nearing... July 31. I can't understand why, but I look back on that time following with fondness. My husband and I grew as a couple. Despite the bone-deep excruciating pain and grief, it was a time of self healing. We took care of eachother. We fixed ourselves in a lot of ways. The nights we'd have a few drinks and be in love. The hours of watching funny tv shows and laying in our dark apartment doing nothing... While it was a bout of depression, was also a bout of healing. In some ways, I miss that tiny old apartment. Where we had so much loss and grief. Because it was there that I finally found out how to put myself first. How to self-heal. And how to do what I wanted to do, instead of what everyone around me wanted me to do. Maybe it made me more selfish, but I think I was due some selfishness. And while I don't want to go back to that, trust me, I want this baby healthy and alive, I do have some of the fondest memories of that time. Of letting the cold air of the window units wash over my broken body, as I'd read my bible and think of the future we lost. The excitement at the weirdest things, and the anger. Those emotions-they were new. And I am so glad I felt them and experienced them, because it makes this baby all the more precious to us. It makes the process seem worth it. I've seen the lows. The crushing feel of loss, and now, I can feel my daughter running her fingers along my pubic bone, and telling me she likes donuts and cakes *duh, she's my kid* and I can value the pain even more. Every single second we spend with her (in my womb, and hopefully out) will be cherished. Because I know what it means to only have those few weeks, months, days. And they are sweet and special.
8. I want to get a tattoo for this little girl once she is here. I think it will be a thin pink line wrapping around her brother's feet to make a heart. I'll post pics when I finally decide on art, and when we go to get it.
9. Finances - suck. We are broke as a joke. This is going to be difficult. I am very overwhelmed about the amount of projects our house needs and what this baby will cost and how expensive our lives are with my husband in school. But I also feel confident we can do it. As long as we get ourselves in check and start prioritizing getting out of debt. I listen to Dave Ramsey weekly, trying to get a handle on a plan. And we are just putting every extra penny towards the baby or towards our debt. I am officially chopping up all my credit cards tonight except for one that will be used as an emergency card.
Anyways, there's more, but that's just a summary. Today, my heart is at peace (mostly because I killed a cricket that was keeping me awake all night, and finally slept for the first time in two weeks.)
-Em
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