Signed, sealed, delivered, I'm yours -

I'm sure there are people in my life who consider me a hypochondriac/worrier of grandiose proportions. Sure, I'll agree, I have my insecurities. But to say our birth story was anything short of traumatic would be a gross understatement. Before I dive into details (because they're already getting fuzzy, and I want to remember), I will say that baby is perfect, and the "I've never known love like this" emotion is a real thing...


We were called in for induction at 2:30am on August 23, 2016. I had been checked the day before and was at 2cm dilated, but my cervix was still thick and baby hadn't fully dropped. But with the GD, we weren't going past our due date of the 26th, so after discussing with our doctor, we decided to induce. Our goal was a vaginal birth - we wanted to avoid the c-section if at all possible because of my weight. I don't have anything against sections, or RCS, my doctor was just worried about wound breakdown, and with my pelvis shape we thought we could get her out on her own. The shoulder problems were still a question mark, but after weighing the options we wanted to try vaginal first.

Cue the Cytotec.

First dose of Cytotec was inserted later that morning, and they hooked me up to a saline drip. I was able to move around, but the wireless monitors were broken so I was forced to stay in about a 10' radius. (Almost everything in my room was broken - bed, wireless monitors, thermometer...) The resident OBGYN and her intern did the first dose of cytotec, and I think the pill didn't make it all the way up to the cervix. Later we would discover I was only dilating on the outside, not the inside of my cervix. We went to 'sleep' and would be checked in four hours to check progress.

Four hours later - cervix still hard, still at 2cm. No progress. Second round of Cytotec and they started me on a Pitocin drip. Contractions started coming irregularly. The external monitor wasn't extremely accurate, and we weren't getting measurements if I had to get up to use the bathroom. But I was starting to contract. This wasn't pleasant, but also not extremely painful. Four hours went by and again, no progress. So we decided to try a foley bulb.

Ladies. I can honestly tell you that in my 28 years of life I've never experienced anything as painful as a foley bulb.

What is it? It's a rubber 'balloon' shoved up your vagina past your cervix that is inflated once in position. They tie a 'stem' it's connected to to your leg and pull it out further manually every 30 minutes with the hopes of dilating you to a 4 or a 5. By now I was having killer back labor (oh, btw, baby girl was still turned sideways and that back labor is no joke. The pain of contractions were 100% happening in my back. Not like anyone describes them (hips to front in a tightening painful motion.) Oh no, back labor is like if someone is taking a blunt dagger and repeatedly digging it into your lower spine.) But I digress.

The foley bulb was misery. I almost threw up in pain (never happened to me before) and I just about broke my husbands hands. But, about an hour and a half later, it finally came out. ... I was dilated to a 3.

At this point, my doctor came to check on things, and I told her I wasn't able to move around because of the censors. She quickly remedied that and I could start sitting on the ball and laboring more naturally -- that is what helped immensely.

After all this and no progress, we assumed we were destined for a c-section, But my doctor is AMAZING and said "let's take a break". So we cut the Pitocin drip, did another Cytotec and were told to relax for the night. That was our saving grace. Without that break we'd have never made it vaginally, and a section would have been exhausting. We closed out the night watching South Park and trying to sleep.

The next day (Thurs August 25)

My cervix FINALLY started softening!! WIth that news, we started Pitocin again.

However, water wasn't broken. SO my doctor decided that was our next step. The resident on-call was scheduled to come break my water, which terrified me for some reason - probably because of the stories I've heard about the hook they use - so I bounced on my ball ferociously. Resigned to the fact it was happening, I relaxed and felt a semi-painful POP and gush of fluids. Bloody fluids. My water broke on its own!! After that, shit got real. (I also think baby girl finally twisted her head and got into place. Before this she was facing to th right - thank you baby, for the back labor love you!! ;) )

After my water broke the Pitocin (now about 2 bags in) started doing its job and the contractions were getting strong and painful. So my doctor said I could have an epidural.  The epidural guy and I had a bit of a misunderstanding so he went in a bit far to the left, and the entire time my right side wasn't very "epiduraled" (as they don't really go numb). The cold sensation from the drugs going down the tube taped to my spine was by far the weirdest sensation of this whole adventure. I felt like a robot with a cooling system - and no legs.

Around this time, we had a new nurse come in. She wasn't assigned to me, but her coworkers were busy with a delivery so she filled in. I loved Sherri so much. We asked her to stay with us for delivery. Luckily my OB agreed. Sherri had seen some labors, she was calm, collected, and experienced. I felt very comfortable with her. All of the nurses were AMAZING, but some stand out, and she was one of them. I actually say that the reason we were able to have this baby vaginally is because of Sherri, who really took care of me. And also used the peanut ball to help me dilate. I can't say enough thank yous to this woman.

Alright, so now I'm drugged up, using the peanut ball (literally just an exercise ball shaped like a peanut) between my knees trying to encourage baby to make her way. Still dilated to 3cm. But finally able to relax. My husband and I watched Miss Congeniality. lol

Later that day, I started feeling off. I assumed it was my blood sugar. They were monitoring it every 4 hours, but I hadn't had breakfast, and the epidural meant I could only have soda, juice or frozen juice.  I was not a happy camper, but no one could really do anything. Eventually, I started having chills. And then my blood pressure bottomed out.

It was really bad. I can honestly say that the only time I was extremely worried about my life was lying on this table, unable to move or eat, and watching my blood pressure drop to 60/40. The resident doctor was in the room eventually and helped to get my bp back up. It took about 4 doses of... some drug? What I realize now that I didn't know then is that I had started hemmoraghing. I believe the placenta / sack had started to tear away from my uterus and blood was filling up in there. I kept feeling pressure and thought it was baby's head, but everyone told me no way - i Was hardly dilated.

Finally, after stopping shaking and my BP regulated (to about 90/45) I made the nurse check me, and there was a head!! They put in internal monitors for baby since she was having decels. And they called my doctor.

What we found out later is that my doctor had decided we were going to do a c-section at that point. When the nurse called her to say she felt a head she didn't believe the nurse!! They told her to get there ASAP. She was going to be there in 30 minutes, but she really didn't have that long,because baby girl was coming! I could feel her head every time I contracted! It was surreal!!

When my doctor got to the room she double-checked, and sure enough there was head. I just remember the nurse saying "Get your gown on!" frantically. As soon as they were ready, we got my legs up and did a 'practice push'. Baby crowned and then two pushes later and she was OUT!!! My husband said she shot out into my doctor's hands. Everyone cheered at a FTM giving birth in 2 pushes, my doctor was so excited, the nurse said she hadn't seen anything like it, and another nurse said she wanted a labor as easy as mine!

They put my baby on my chest and she screamed her little head off. And settled a bit. She was covered in vernix and so disgusting but I couldn't quite believe I made this tiny human. She didn't look a thing like me-  she looked just like her daddy! The cord was so long that the doctor thought they cut it and they hadn't. We donated the cord blood and were able to let it stop pulsing before cutting it. My husband didn't want to cut the cord, so the nurse did. And everything was perfect. My doctor was stitching up my second degree tear and I had skin-to-skin like we wanted. It was freaking magical!

And then my doctor's face changed and she told Dylan to go over to the warming table and "take care of the baby". At that point about 10 additional people came in (after several harried calls were made to selected residents). And the room changed.

Part 3 - Blood

We went in on Tuesday jokingly saying we would keep track of how many people had their hands in my vagina. We were at about 6 when all hell broke loose, and honestly, I am guessing after labor and delivery the number is larger than 10.

I just kept bleeding. There was so much blood. My doctor couldn't get it to stop. She called in residents and the house doctor for consultation and help. They tried stitching my torn uterus, but there was "Nothing to stitch it to". Seriously, those words were spoken. Transfusion blood was ordered and they put me back on Pit to help the uterus contract (how they typically get bleeding to stop). Nothing was working. I Just kept seeing them pull lap pads out of me. I felt like an episode of Greys Anatomy. It was surreal. I can't think of a better word to describe it than that.

My doctor kept saying "how are you doing, emily?" "are you alright?" i felt okay. I just stared at my husband and baby and watched as they did her footprints and cleaned her up. She was so small, and yet so fierce. 8 lbs 9 ounces. 21.5" long. In the 99th percentile for cranial circumference and height. And she was absolutely perfect.  Her cries were so loud and demanding. I just focused on them. They got the baby swaddled and my husband had her and was sitting in the corner watching everything.

My doctor also asked if I had any history of clotting (uhhh.... seriously?) and if I had heavy periods as a kid (still do.) At my five week follow up, I will be asking her more about those questions. At the time, I just rolled my eyes.

The doctors made sure all of the placenta had been removed, and were trying to get me to stop bleeding. Sherri and the nurses got more meds that cause bleeding to stop. And they put a new line in me for the blood transfusion, which, luckily, didn't happen. My doctor finally decided to put in pads. Seriously, they stuffed me like a turkey. I think there were over 20 lap pads in me. The hope was I would stop bleeding on my own, since they couldn't do anything.

Once the blood stopped oozing, they cleaned me up, packed me up, and cleaned up the room. There was blood everywhere. On the counters, on the floor. On the bed. Like magic, everyone seemed to disappear. Maybe shock took over? All I remember was being told I was full of gauze and we'd check it in the morning to see if we had to go to OR to fix me. OH, and that I could FINALLY eat something light.


... to be continued

The final countdown...

We are being induced Wednesday night / Thursday morning... we are in the final three days. :O

Does it feel real yet? It doesn't for me!  Today is my final appointment/cervical check/ NST. Depending on how that goes, we are scheduled for Wednesday night, as long as the hospital has room. My OB wants to get the dilation started that night, so that we deliver Thursday. She thinks it's going to take a while to get things moving, so we'll see... I'm not so sure. I am EXTREMELY sensitive to meds, so I have a feeling it won't take that long. But of course, I'm not the doctor.

I was thinking this baby was coming on her own Saturday. After our appointment friday I started losing my mucus plug, pretty sure it's almost completely gone. And I was having a lot of pressure. It mostly stopped yesterday/today. I am concerned she is so big/wrapped in her cord that it's going to complicate things. But I have faith in my hospital and doctor to get her through delivery safely.

Now we just need to get her alive until Thursday. I know that sounds crazy to have anxiety about that, but I also know with a GD diagnosis my placenta is going to deteriorate rather quickly as we get around that 40 week mark, she is getting bigger, and there are still things that can go wrong. So, praying we make it through the next two days calmly and stress free. We are still counting kicks. She was so crazy last night that today she's pretty quiet. So I'm glad we're going for the NST.

I will update after my appointment today if anything changes, and if not, then after we go through this crazy labor experience...

Also, work is insane. I am feeling very nervous about leaving, and having them think I am not important enough to bring back. I know that's not going to happen, but I am still nervous. That's normal I think. So when I get back in november I'm going to have to really knock it out of the park. And hope that nothing comes up while I'm out that is really, really horrible.

Sigh. So much on my mind. Come on, Wednesday. I'm taking the day off so I'll go get our carseat fitted properly and any last minute things done at the house. And rest in preparation. Am I nervous? for me and the baby, yes. For labor? a little. Mostly excited we made it, and that excitement is drowning out the fear for now.

-Em

Lazy Posting

I just read the title of my blog again. "Surviving a subchorionic hematoma."

Surviving.

That is what I have been doing for over a year now. Just... surviving. I haven't been living. I haven't been fully and truly living and enjoying my life. I've been so scared, cowering from the fear of pain, loss, grief. The fear that we're going to go through another cataclysmic event. I am surviving.

And surviving--that is important. Probably just as important as living, because no one goes from pure, earth-shaking, heart-wrenching grief to fully living. The surviving is the middle stage. I needed to learn how to survive again, because there were times where I wasn't sure how I could. And even now, with life turning around for us a bit, and a healthy baby kicking my ribs, the thought of LIVING seems like a far-off, distant possibility.

But I see it again. I see it in my future... there is a little light shining ahead of me, glowing in the distance, almost within my grasp. A light where dreams come true, hard work pays off, and happiness can be found. My fear is still muting it. Trust me, I'm terrified. And I don't know if I'll be able to breathe easily until I hear my daughter screaming, and find out she's healthy. I know that I've got at least another week left before I am able to start moving towards that light of living.

Do I regret getting pregnant so quickly after my loss? In some ways, I feel like she got robbed. In some ways, I wish we had waited a little longer to allow the healing to have gotten further along. But, could we have fully healed not knowing if we could do the one thing we want most? Complete our family? I honestly don't know. Waiting could have prolonged the suffering even more.

But here we are, on the dawn of a new chapter. In so many ways. I just got a promotion at work, I can finally believe and trust that things might be okay financially. We can afford a new roof once I pay off some debt, in a few months I'll be able to start fixing stuff around the house that have been put on hold (rock beds, de-weeding, fence mending, power washing, getting into the attic, painting...)

These are all little glimmers of hope. Of light. Of a future I can believe in again. Did this baby suffer? I don't think so. She certainly won't when she's here. My fear has not kept either of us from bonding with her. If anything, we are too attached, and I am more scared of that than anything else. She is probably the most loved child on the planet right now (yea, yea, you think your baby is, you are wrong ;) ). So did she suffer for it? No. Will she? No. She is part of my glimmer of light.

And even if something happens... at least I can know that through the darkness and from the ashes I can rise yet again. We are all able to be reborn. So we learned from childhood Sunday school, and so we experience over and over again. And while I'm just a little fledgling, I am starting to believe that life is good again. It's hard, and sad, and scary, and bad stuff happens. Yes, it does. But it doesn't ALWAYS have to be bad.

So, give me a few more days of "survival", and then, we'll move into the living portion, where I start pulling back the shades and dipping my toe into the pool of life again. That's the hope, that's what I pray for, and that's what we're working towards. While I have no control of anything, that's where I'm at right now. It's the only way I can accept the past 16 months.

Baby update - no real contractions, no more braxton hicks, no mucus plug, baby in my ribs. No real progress. guessing no more dilation (we were at 1 cm for two weeks). While this doesn't mean jack, it also definitely doesn't mean I am in labor, and that's what we're aiming for!

Next appointment is friday, where I will be asking to schedule an induction / c-section. Physically, I feel wonderful! Hips are alright, sleeping not great, but sleeping, I am hot and sweaty and smell bad, and I officially can't eat dairy anymore because it tastes horribly disgusting. But mentally? Mentally, i am exhausted. Mentally, I am drained. Mentally there isn't much left. Work is sucking up the majority of the stamina I have left, and baby stuff... don't even get me started. The waiting. The watching. The not knowing. My brain is just about at the end of its rope. So yea, while I could go two more weeks physically, I am pretty much burnt out emotionally, and that's a scary place to be. So I should have more information for the blog after my appointment Friday. Last Wednesday we were "1 and a wiggle cm" dilated, cervix long and firm, but coming 'forward'. BP was 130/80 (creeping up). My hands are numb and tingly and puffy from carpal tunnel, my feet are like sausages, but the baby isn't showing any signs of being ready. I am frustrated and upset at my doctor (probably mostly hormonal, because logically I know why my baby isn't here in my arms yet, wiggling around. but emotionally, I am so mad that she's not after months of hearing we'd go early).

Yea... it's a weird place to be. A true holding pattern. Like the planes that land in London, circling around the river Thames, watching the Eye spin around, and cars attempt to get through gridlock, and Big Ben standing proud over his city. I'm just up here watching, waiting, and praying. Hoping for the best, and looking forward to the future. Finally, a future with light I can see.

-Em