Goodbye, motivation!

This weekend was rough. Several times I thought I might be having contractions or going into labor. Nope, just my hips. Always my hips!

Friday afternoon and Saturday it felt like a wasp had stung my urethra (I wish that was an exaggeration). I thought I was getting a UTI infection. I did some reading, and others said it was just pressure and hips spreading. Okay, so Saturday and Sunday I did NOTHING. Laid around in bed, rested, no extreme movements. By Sunday afternoon the pain had waned.

This morning (Monday) I can feel it again, but not like last week. Friday I had stood for about an hour and a half chatting with people, and then walked across campus twice, so I am wondering if that aggravated the feeling. Thursday I went swimming, so maybe some combination of the two caused the pain.

Either way, I will be mentioning it at my OB appointment on Wednesday. I originally planned to move the appointment back to Monday the 20th, but my anxiety is getting the best of me right now.  I am so grateful for my therapist, who I saw Saturday for the first time in three weeks. She really does help me calm myself down, and put things in perspective. Also, a good friend who is coming out of that three month newborn fog reached out, and she helped ease some of my fears. So Saturday, in tears, in bed, debating going to L&D.... to today, feeling slightly calmer and in less pain.

I am making a list to ask the doctor Wednesday.

Stuff like-

• What is the plan for the next two and a half months? (I can't keep going and not knowing what to expect. Anxiety, by definition, is the fear of the unknown. So it's time to take control of these appointments). I also want to schedule as many appointments as she'll let me so I can make sure work is informed in advance of when I'll be out. 
• I want to know how we'll measure the baby, and make sure the placenta is still okay. How many kicks is too many/not enough. (Welcome to anxiety, where TOO MANY KICKS is a concern.) 
• What happens if my GD numbers get too crazy? 
• Blood pressure? 
• Swelling? 
• When do I call in to prevent a problem, or when am I being too paranoid? 

I'm sure this list will grow over the next three days.

Anyways, aside from that, trying to focus on positive outcomes. I am picturing baby girl sliding out without issues, hearing her cry, and then feeling her on my chest and counting her perfect little fingers and toes. Picturing us wrapped in a warm light of love and hope. That's my reality. That's the reality I am imagining.

Yesterday I was laying on my side in bed, just with my hand on the left side of my belly button, and I swear I felt her foot. It was hard and small, pushing against my hand. It was the single coolest thing I think I've ever experienced. My daughter's little foot stretching out.

I love her so, so much. If anything happened, I am not sure I could recover. I would be devastated. I know I would learn to go on, but this ... amount of love. This amount of love can be devastating. it is scary. But I'm letting it happen, slowly, because she needs it. She needs all of our love for the time we have her. And if my image of August 26th comes true, she'll get love on the outside, too. But for now, I am channeling my love inward.

Anyways, I should  know more Wednesday after the appointment. Just wanted to get it off my chest here how terrified I am, how much I want her safe, and how my therapy is helping me take control of the situation where I can, and demand answers for the care I'm paying for. Not that my OB isn't already doing this as if everything was going well ( because it is), but I need a little extra coddling ,and she needs to know that.

We also still have to go get the TDapp... D-Tapp? I can't remember. Anyways, it's whooping couch. I'm a little hesitant with all these fetal vaccinations, but since it is in the area, I suppose we need to do it before she's here as opposed to after.

Life is crazy. I will tell you that.

Friday I have taken the day off work to get the nursery ready with my mom. I am excited, but doing this stuff also worries me. Planning for the best, but preparing for the worst might be where my head is at right now. Trying to find happiness in this stuff, but it scares me.

Anyways, love. That's all it is. Just love. That's all we  can do.

-Em

Monday Morning Check-In / "Get off my pelvis, baby"

OMG this child is riding so low. I have some days of relief, but others I swear she is just going to tunnel her way out. I hope that as she gets bigger she grows upward and not just out!

The pressure is down low, just above my pubic bone. I tried laying with my legs up on the wall and that helped, but didn't seem to motivate her to move!  :)

This morning I was having some of my bad thoughts, so I used the doppler to make sure she was okay. Found her right away. Over the weekend I used the last piece of toilet paper on the roll, and I don't know if you've ever done that, but the dye in the glue they use is pink, so I thought I was spotting.  It was HORRIFYING. But I figured it out, and then relaxed and everything was okay. Although I do feel like I overdid it this weekend, so I tried to just take it easy and relax as much as possible. I will not walk today, because I think I need a little break.

I also had my first meeting with a new therapist this weekend. I think she stirred up some emotions, because I was a weepy mess the rest of the weekend, but it's a healing process. And I'm glad we're starting it. She is the first counselor to tell me that she thinks I'm smart and capable of doing what I want. And this morning I woke up with a new plan in my mind - getting my MBA in International management. I've toyed with the idea before, but it really nicely guides my career towards an international focus, and I think  Ican do it now. I really think I can. So that's going on my longterm bucket list, and I need to figure out if they make scholarships for graduate students.

Anywho, I don't know. She's great, and we're going to deal with my anxiety first. She suggested doing the adult coloring books, and I tried one this weekend while I was feeling panicky and it did help. So I'm going to keep doing it. She recommended doing it at work when I'm on calls, or starting to feel very overwhelmed. SO I brought in one page and some pencils today as an "emergency coloring station".

She also said that I've gone through a lot in the last year, and it all adds up and I need to let it go. I love her, she is going to be amazing, and we are going to accomplish so much. This fearful, quiet, sour Emily is not who I am. I know there is a strong, ambitious, confident, even cocky Emily in there. I need to send down a rope ladder and help her climb out of the darkness.

Also - in case you are wondering, I will not be getting back on any SSRIs until after delivery. Apparently it can cause colicy babies, and also something called "floppy baby syndrom" where they are not motivated to breathe and we'd have to have NICU on stand by. So we're going to try to cope with the mounting anxiety with counseling, and if I start getting panic attacks again it's an option to go back on the meds, but I think I'll be okay.

Some other symptoms this week -

• My nipples are turning lighter... which is so weird... And hopefully okay....
• The little things on them that produce oil are appearing to be producing oil? I need to see if that's possible this early. 
• Veins on my belly are popping up, which I looked into and it's not vericose veins, it's just that everything gets smooshed to the surface. 
• I am extremely irritable with everything. 
• I finished watching The Office (9 seasons!) and had a massive cry fest because I felt like I was losing my best friends. 
• One of my best friends is pregnant, and I am overjoyed to share in the experience with someone, but scared that she is going to have a healthy pregnancy and I'll lose the baby again (she was pregnant when I was last time). So I am grappling with that paradox. 
• I still don't really have a "baby bump" --  I know I am plus size, but even the heaviest girls on my boards are quite large now. I am hoping it's just that my body has tight riding muscles and it's my first that's keeping everything so compact (especially with a big girl in there), but I do worry. 
• I Passed my diabetes test! I should have probably led with that! I passed the three hour screening! I am still going to treat it as if I am diabetic, because doing so helped me lose TWO LBS in a week. I am actually down to 298, which is still below where I really started in this process. Insanity. But yea, not diabetic, hooray! 
• I am so forgetful. "baby brain" is very real, and very constant. In fact, I thinkI might have already posted about the diabetes... 
• See above bullet, but working is very hard. I'm extremely tired, irritable, and forgetful. I don't know how I'm going to make it 4 more months. Just trying my best. I see why so many women don't come back, though. I feel like the mornings are a battle of me versus work right now. I just could sleep for hours. 

Okkaaay I guess that's it for today. Some exciting things -

I ordered Orgain powder (organic protein supplement) in a big cannister so I can start drinking that regularly and cut out the synthetic stuff from Slim Fast (the protein drinks help a lot. If I don't have enough protein I get pretty nauseous). I also ordered BioOil to try on my tummy stretch marks, and I got a new dress from LuLaRoe that should be arriving today, and I can't wait to see if it fits.

Alright, now that's it!
-Emily