If you add up the amount of time I was pregnant with Scrumbles (3.5 months) with my current length of pregnancy (6.5 months) I have been pregnant for 10 months. The length of a full-term pregnancy. And I have zero babies to show for it. I know this little nugget is cooking in there, and she BETTER be okay, but oh my God, that's a LONG TIME to give your body to someone else. And my husband and I are both feeling the effects of it.
I know they say that children change your relationship. I believe it, trust me. in fact? It's my number one fear. But just being an incubator to a new human changes your relationship. Maybe for others it's not as noticeable, but due to my sever anxiety and our fear of intimacy killing our baby, we have been living like roommates for six and a half months. And it SUCKS.
Orgasms can induce contractions. Sex usually leads to pieces of my mucus plug dislodging. We love this baby so much that we put "us" on hold. But that is killing "us". Because you can only live with someone for so long who you love without intimacy and not feel a shift in the force. So to speak. I don't know, we are really struggling right now with that. My therapist and doctor both are trying to get me to relax and feel 'normal' and enjoy life. I have put myself in what I envision as a little pill capsule--trying to keep harmful things out to make sure the baby and I are okay. But, as my therapist points out, this creates more stress. Because I can't control my environment, and then when I relax and let stuff in, I get more freaked out.
So, I've been trying to relax. Trying to let life happen and ENJOY this experience. Trying to calm the F down and just be happy with how things are going. And I am doing it small, measured steps. But the one thing we're just too scared to do is sex. Sigh. I am hoping by 4 more weeks I'll feel less stressed about contractions and we'll know she'd be okay if something did happen. But for now, we just couldn't forgive ourselves.
I keep saying "our next pregnancy will not be like this"... I just feel like if I can make one healthy baby who survives the process I'll trust myself more. I guess that's the crux of the issue: I don't trust my body. Maybe I never have? Maybe that's why I feed it crap and let it become a big blob of fat. Maybe that is going to be something I learn throughout these 14 months of pregnancy. How to trust my body, and treat it nicely. Maybe that will open the lock that seems to have been rusted shut on my physical happiness. We shall see.
So yesterday I got a call from the OB. My numbers are good. Yay! But she thinks that due to the spikes (138, 148, 145) that I will end up with gestational diabetes. I did some reading and apparently it gets harder to manage those sugars as the hormones increase further along in pregnancy. SO, May 31st I go to Gestational Diabetes class. I will sit with a nurse and a dietician and learn how to eat, how to measure, and how to keep my body in line so the baby doesn't come out with any issues. I am excited for diet counseling, but nervous about the thought of the sugars getting harder to control.
And as if on cue, yesterday my post-lunch numbers were 152 - the highest yet. I even double checked and it was accurate. So while I'm happy we are being proactive, I'm scared. Again, this is a time to start trusting my body. Trust it to tell me what it needs, when it's full, and that I can give myself the nutrients we need while still being healthy. I also think that once I start swimming regularly the numbers will go down. I have down absolutely no cardio in about two months. And I know that affects sugar levels. So I will be looking forward to Memorial Day Weekend when pools open and I can active again.
Update on feeling baby move - I think she must be sitting with her back to my stomach, because I feel her deep and low, and very infrequently. She must not be hitting me in areas that I can really feel. I miss my tummy kicks and playing with her. But as long as she is alive in there, I will be content for now. I can't wait for our 28 week appointment. I hope we do more than just listen to the heartrate. I hear other women say they get their fundal height measured and cervix length. . . These things seem so important to monitor as we get closer. I just hope my OB is going to go the extra steps with those things. It will make me feel a whole lot better.
Alright, well I guess that's it for now. My weight was 301 today, still where we were before, just trying to keep it from going up before June 1st. (Next appt.) Maybe next week i will do some yoga or something just to keep moving.
Oh, something exciting. Today is officially 99 days until our due date! We are under the 100 mark now.... It feels so good to be so close. I just want to snuggle this baby and shower her in love. And put her in her new room and give her the world. She is our world.
-Emily
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