Good Thoughts

Alright. It's Thursday, July 28. We are two days away from the anniversary of our loss. And this week has been somewhat of a turning point for yours truly.

The first four nights were spent miserable, crying, and freaked out. As I mentioned before, I had what I thought could have been some spotting over the weekend. We never really determined if it was or wasn't. But it stopped, and baby was moving so everything seemed okay.

Yesterday, my husband went with me to my 36 week appointment. We had an AFI (fluid check) an NST (her heart was perfect) and a cervix check (I am dialated 1cm). Everything looks great. I have a lot of fluid (high end of normal at 21.5 cm2. And when the doctor asked if we had any questions my husband told her my fears (cord prolapse, bad placenta, baby dying). And she reassured us that we're doing all the monitoring we could POSSIBLY be doing. And if I wanted to come in twice a week I could. But we're doing as much monitoring as someone with type 1 diabetes.

My fear, aggression, anger... I just ... had to take a big, deep breath and let it go. We have made it. We are at 36 weeks. This baby can come, and be okay. She has made it to term, and I took her there. If something horribly tragic happens (and it could, I am well aware of that), then we will deal with it. But, I have decided I am going to make the best of the next three weeks. Try not to worry, try not to stress, and just enjoy what time I have left with her on the inside before our lives change dramatically.

At this point, she's going to either come on her own, or the doctor will take her out if something looks dodgy. We are kick counting. She is head down, facing right and her feet are jabbing me on my right side. I can feel her almost all day. So, I have to let go and TRULY give it up to God. After I made that decision, I felt a huge sense of relief. Things that had been bothering me stopped. This is different from a 'manic' episode. Because I don't feel any of those crazy happy emotions. It's mostly just a release. A calm. I have done everything I can to keep her healthy and safe. I take my meds, I monitor my glucose. We show up to appointments and I did what I could to get her here. At this point, there's not much more I can possibly do.

So I'm going to be pregnant. And happy. and when the negative thoughts start creeping in (they still do) I will counter them with positive thoughts. I could tell last night as I reached exhaustion and night time set in, I was losing strength in my resolve. So I  went to bed. And I woke up with my old mindset, but quickly altered to this new ideology. I want to enjoy the next three weeks. My husband and I will be going on a date night. And we are going to watch some movies we need to catch up on. We're going to enjoy eachother. And not be scared of sex. It's been 9 months since I haven't been terrified of sex... So that's a good thing to be over that hurdle for my marriage's sake!

What else... just a general sense of ease in life. I've been fighting, fighting, fighting so hard. Each minute of the day was a battle. Like I was claiming territory. Now? Now, I just need to let them pass over us, and let this baby decide when she is going to make her appearance. We are so, so in love with her. It actually hurts my heart to think about how much I love her. But I need to redirect that love into joy, and not fear. Fear is going to get us nowhere in the next few months. But love? Love is the answer.

this is not the July of last year. This is a new year. This is 2016, and we are miles ahead of where we were. And yes, we could end up 10 billion times more devastated then we were last year. Or we could end up with the most beautiful baby in the world who we love more than life itself. And that's what I am going to plan on. Because she is in there, scrumming around, comfy and content to kick me in the ribs. And she has her own plan. She always had. Even 36 weeks ago when she was conceived. She has been on her own schedule and has her own little plan. So, I'm going to trust her. Trust me. Trust my husband. And trust the process. We are so close, and I am finally FINALLY feeling some happiness. And joy.

Being scared for 9 months is exhausting. And it puts a serious dent in your morale and ability to love and be loved and I am TIRED of it. I am done with that. I am going to be a better, happier person. Similar to who I used to be, and just have faith.

Also? Immediately after changing my perspective, things at work changed. I was complimented twice on work ethic and the results I produce. Maybe I've been told this before and didn't hear it? But it was nice... like the earth's ebb and flow rewarded my positivity.

There are also two quotes I heard this week that I want to remember forever:
1. You can't choose when you are someone's friend. (In the context of, you can't be a fair-weather friend. Good or bad, if you are someone's friend you have to stay through it, or duck out, but you don't get to come and go as you please when it's easy.)
2. Being a woman means you have to be stronger. (Hilaria Baldwin's mother).

I think these are good ideas to run thoughts by to help gauge the 'big picture', and I will continue to do so.

Anyways, positive thoughts. Enjoying this pregnancy. Trusting my body. And just spilling love out into the universe.

-Emily at Peace-

10 Weeks and Counting!!!!!

Went to the doctor yesterday and got a lot of my questions answered. I am feeling so much better about things as far as care and how we will progress.

So, my crazy 'bike' hip pain is just... pregnancy. She said that she sees overweight girls, and skinny girls, all with the same symptoms. I was advised to wear looser-fitting clothing as it gets warm, because I am going to get too hot if not, and it will help my lady parts air out. Good advice in general, but hard for someone who likes to have a lot of layers! I actually stole my husband's boxers today to wear under my skirt instead of my usual bike shorts. It is definitely cooler, and not feeling a huge difference in comfortable-ness. So that worked well. I also ordered a pair of super loose shorts to wear around the house.

So, I almost had a heart attack at the appointment, because she couldn't find baby's heart beat with the doppler. Which warranted an ultrasound. The US room was busy, so we had to wait 20 minutes to get in. Once we did, baby was NOT moving. She must have been asleep, but my doctor found the HB within seconds and she was at 135.

We went and had dinner after, and baby woke up a bit. But still, it was a slow day for her. I think this heat has everyone just trying to relax. I know the uterus maintains a constant temp, but... I'm a big puddle of blah.

So here is the plan -

• Next Friday I go in for an official growth scan where we'll estimate how much she weighs. That will dictate what we do going forward. (The weight estimates can be 1 lb off in either direction, so we are taking this number with that in mind).
• The following week I go in for my 32 week appointment. From there on out, we will do non-stress tests on the baby weekly. This is because of the diabetes. So she'll hook her up and listen to her heart for 20 minutes and make sure it sounds okay. There will be a month of weekly visits. 
• IF I get put on the glucose lowering drug, the non-stress tests will happen twice weekly. As much as I love being closely monitored, that is a lot even for me. I'm not sure how I will swing it with work, but it must be done. However, we are still going to try to maintain levels with exercise and diet. That's the plan. 
• At 36 weeks she will start checking my cervix for dilation, and fluids around the baby. She looked last night and everything looked good. I am so so so relieved. 

Since anxiety stems from fear of the unknown, my biggest concerns - not enough oxygen getting to baby, previa, sleeping on my back and cutting off circulation, random still born, and deteriorating placenta  - will all be monitored at these non-stress tests. I am so beyond relieved. I know that it's going to be a lot of time at the office, but it's worth it. And I know we still have ten weeks left, so we aren't even like within reasonable delivery time, but... this is the final stretch. We've got to cross the finish line, and I'm willing to take modern medicine's help if possible.

Also, the official "when to call" regarding kick counts - If I don't feel her when I normally do, and when I take a break TO feel her and still don't, we call. The doctor's example was - if you don't really notice her moving at work, and then get home, lay on your side and have a cold drink and still nothing for an hour, you call. I mean, a lot of the advice i read online is like "babies get sleepy" but... according to my doctor, I need to call. I feel better knowing this. And having some kind of mental gauge. I am also starting to track her active times, so I know when she is usually up.

My good friend who is pregnant has opted out of all testing. I envy her laid-back demeanor, but as much as hospitals can screw things up... something about having someone smarter than me checking on this tiny human is a relief. I know it's all pretty much up to baby and the placenta at this point, but we can do what we can to make sure she is safe.

Now here is hoping blood pressure stays low and pre-eclampsia stays away.

We are so close, I am so in love with this baby... Taking in my last deep breath and soon to exhale as we round the corner on this journey called pregnancy.

10 weeks. 10 weeks. 10 weeks.  10 more Mondays!
-Emily

Goodbye, motivation!

This weekend was rough. Several times I thought I might be having contractions or going into labor. Nope, just my hips. Always my hips!

Friday afternoon and Saturday it felt like a wasp had stung my urethra (I wish that was an exaggeration). I thought I was getting a UTI infection. I did some reading, and others said it was just pressure and hips spreading. Okay, so Saturday and Sunday I did NOTHING. Laid around in bed, rested, no extreme movements. By Sunday afternoon the pain had waned.

This morning (Monday) I can feel it again, but not like last week. Friday I had stood for about an hour and a half chatting with people, and then walked across campus twice, so I am wondering if that aggravated the feeling. Thursday I went swimming, so maybe some combination of the two caused the pain.

Either way, I will be mentioning it at my OB appointment on Wednesday. I originally planned to move the appointment back to Monday the 20th, but my anxiety is getting the best of me right now.  I am so grateful for my therapist, who I saw Saturday for the first time in three weeks. She really does help me calm myself down, and put things in perspective. Also, a good friend who is coming out of that three month newborn fog reached out, and she helped ease some of my fears. So Saturday, in tears, in bed, debating going to L&D.... to today, feeling slightly calmer and in less pain.

I am making a list to ask the doctor Wednesday.

Stuff like-

• What is the plan for the next two and a half months? (I can't keep going and not knowing what to expect. Anxiety, by definition, is the fear of the unknown. So it's time to take control of these appointments). I also want to schedule as many appointments as she'll let me so I can make sure work is informed in advance of when I'll be out. 
• I want to know how we'll measure the baby, and make sure the placenta is still okay. How many kicks is too many/not enough. (Welcome to anxiety, where TOO MANY KICKS is a concern.) 
• What happens if my GD numbers get too crazy? 
• Blood pressure? 
• Swelling? 
• When do I call in to prevent a problem, or when am I being too paranoid? 

I'm sure this list will grow over the next three days.

Anyways, aside from that, trying to focus on positive outcomes. I am picturing baby girl sliding out without issues, hearing her cry, and then feeling her on my chest and counting her perfect little fingers and toes. Picturing us wrapped in a warm light of love and hope. That's my reality. That's the reality I am imagining.

Yesterday I was laying on my side in bed, just with my hand on the left side of my belly button, and I swear I felt her foot. It was hard and small, pushing against my hand. It was the single coolest thing I think I've ever experienced. My daughter's little foot stretching out.

I love her so, so much. If anything happened, I am not sure I could recover. I would be devastated. I know I would learn to go on, but this ... amount of love. This amount of love can be devastating. it is scary. But I'm letting it happen, slowly, because she needs it. She needs all of our love for the time we have her. And if my image of August 26th comes true, she'll get love on the outside, too. But for now, I am channeling my love inward.

Anyways, I should  know more Wednesday after the appointment. Just wanted to get it off my chest here how terrified I am, how much I want her safe, and how my therapy is helping me take control of the situation where I can, and demand answers for the care I'm paying for. Not that my OB isn't already doing this as if everything was going well ( because it is), but I need a little extra coddling ,and she needs to know that.

We also still have to go get the TDapp... D-Tapp? I can't remember. Anyways, it's whooping couch. I'm a little hesitant with all these fetal vaccinations, but since it is in the area, I suppose we need to do it before she's here as opposed to after.

Life is crazy. I will tell you that.

Friday I have taken the day off work to get the nursery ready with my mom. I am excited, but doing this stuff also worries me. Planning for the best, but preparing for the worst might be where my head is at right now. Trying to find happiness in this stuff, but it scares me.

Anyways, love. That's all it is. Just love. That's all we  can do.

-Em