come on tiny baby, we only have a few weeks left...

That is what I keep saying to this child. Come on tiny baby, we don't have long now. Hang in there, be okay. I must admit, my anxiety is pretty high right now. We are so, so very deeply invested in this life-changing process and our daughter being here. I am TERRIFIED of anything going wrong. Husband has asked me to get off of google/forums. I am trying to, but sometimes I freak out and look something up and BAM, there is someone who had a placental abruption at 35 weeks (out of the blue) and lost their son.

I realize we are being monitored more heavily than others, but it still scares me. Saturday night I had what looked like light spotting. I was a hot mess after that. We decided to wait it out and see, as it wasn't clearly blood. Nothing happened again, so I think we're okay. And baby was moving like CRAZY. Everyone tells me (including the OB) that movement is good, no movement is bad. And lots of movement is good too. So as long as I feel her, it's okay.

I've also been doing kick counts twice a day. Once after breakfast, once before bed. She flipped around I think ,so now her head is facing either out or left, because I'm feeling much more movement when she is moving. However, we do have a lot of sleepy times. I am trying to keep stress levels down at work so she is calmer and so am I. That way consciously feel for her throughout the day.

I feel like in the past week my stomach has just grown massively. Coworkers and randos on the street are asking when I'm due. I'm like, we've got another month left, at least. They can't believe it. I believe my 21.3cm of amniotic fluid makes me look bigger. I also found out it can cause cord problems or prolapsed cords. Seriously, have to stop reading the boards. But I am going to make a list of things that scare me and address them with the doctor this week. My therapist thinks I should write them out and hand her the list so I can't get shy and not ask. So that is the plan, and husband will be accompanying me for this appointment. It's my first cervical check, AND an ultrasound, and an NST, and an appointment. It's going to be a long morning.

Anyways, I'm huge, very uncomfortable, very nervous, and ready for her to be here safely. I know people keep telling me to 'enjoy' this last time before your life changes forever. But honestly? I have been waiting for her for so long now.... I just want her. We're so ready. I know our lives will be impacted in ways we can't even imagine. But it's going to be so, so wonderful to have our family.

At work, I am training the temp, who told me today she is feeling overwhelmed. I need to step back and take more steps to cover basics with her. I thought she was frustrated I wasn't giving her enough work, but turns out I was sending too much. She will be fine, and they'll cover me when I'm gone without a problem, so I am feeling calmer about this all. But yes. Crazy.

So the mural is almost done in the nursery. Pictures below. We're so close! Now we just need a few more items:

• swing
• baby wearing carrier (ergobaby or lillebabty) 
• some more packs of onesies 
• some more sleepers 
• swaddlers for both newborn and next size up
• a couple more burp cloths
• a few more receiving blankets
• nipple guards (I think I might have tubular breasts :( I don't know for sure, but just in case these shields might help...) 

And that's about it!! There is a lot more we will need:

• baby walker
• high chair
• running stroller
• boppy chair
• boppy pillow
• extra crib mattress (for our Secure Beginnings mattress) 

The list goes on, but what I want to have here before she arrives is almost ready! So exciting.

We'll do one big final sweep through Target and Babies R Us and get any last minute items. I have all of this breastfeeding stuff, so I am hoping we can make that work. I've attended our birthing class and our nursing class. We've got our birth plan written. Now I just ... wait. And you all know just how well I wait (not very well). 31 days if we make it to due date. 21 days left of work.

In our packed bags are: 
Husband Bag -

• Outfit essentials (boxers, pajamas, socks, t-shirts)
• Towel
• Pillow & Blanket
• Soap, facial moisturizer, deodorant 
• Carseat (this is in the car...) 

Emily & Baby Bag -

• 3 outfits for me (one nice one for pics, the rest are comfy) 
• 1 Nursing bra
• 1 Nursing tank
• 1 onesie (plan on getting an additional outfit or two when we do our final shop for different sizes)
• 2 NB cloth diapers for pictures
• Nipple cream just in case
• Makeup bag
• Soap, shampoo, conditioner, deodorant
• 1 receiving blanket
• 1 muslin swaddle
• Socks (me and baby) 
• Baby hat
• Debating a boppy if we get one
• A baggy full of wipes 
• Colace 
• Phone charger 
• Pack of Magic the Gathering cards and deck to play with 
• Ponytail holders and brush
• 
  

Labor Bag -

• Two robes
• Fuzzy slipper socks
• Massage oil
• Heating pad
• Chapstick
• Lotion
• Contacts & solution
• Camera

I'm sure there's more, but that's the essentials.

So I was reading a story about a girl who has Type 1 diabetes, had a breech baby last pregnancy and had a c-section, and wants to do a VBAC. Her doctor and MFM has told her (basically) if it happens it happens, but she is very upset and wants her VBAC. At term. I am so scared of anything happening that I am all like "you want to take her on 38 weeks? Yes, please.". I don't understand how people can have such differing opinions. But I value reading them, because it helps keep mine in perspective. I hope she gets what she wants, but for me, I am so nervous of making a wrong decision, that I'll take a c-section if it's the only way. That being said, I will be upping my Red Raspberry Leaf tea intake to two cups/day starting this Friday. And up to 3 cups next week. I can feel her pushing on my bladder and cervix, and my pee trips at night have jumped from 2 to anywhere between 4-7. So while I know que sera sera, i think this baby is making her way to the exit, as Semisonic would say.

Okay I've started seriously nervous-rambling. What else do I want to record for posterity...

- my counselor is wanting me to check in with her after appointments to help keep anxiety at bay
- work... i don't know. it's just a big cluster sometimes. I don't know what to do about that
- no spotting or blood when i wipe, and good movement
- baby appears to have her head on my left side now, with legs on the left, butt on the right
- I'm not terrified of labor, maybe I should be? But the thought of getting there just makes me happy
- Constantly exhausted
- We put LED lights in the baby room. Which is the coolest thing ever. And our storage freezer arrives today.
- I will ask my doctor about tubular breasts... maybe. Maybe I don't want to know!
- Have started leaking colostrum. This morning  Iwoke up with actual hardened beads. That's a first!


okay, more Wednesday.

-Emily

Goodbye, motivation!

This weekend was rough. Several times I thought I might be having contractions or going into labor. Nope, just my hips. Always my hips!

Friday afternoon and Saturday it felt like a wasp had stung my urethra (I wish that was an exaggeration). I thought I was getting a UTI infection. I did some reading, and others said it was just pressure and hips spreading. Okay, so Saturday and Sunday I did NOTHING. Laid around in bed, rested, no extreme movements. By Sunday afternoon the pain had waned.

This morning (Monday) I can feel it again, but not like last week. Friday I had stood for about an hour and a half chatting with people, and then walked across campus twice, so I am wondering if that aggravated the feeling. Thursday I went swimming, so maybe some combination of the two caused the pain.

Either way, I will be mentioning it at my OB appointment on Wednesday. I originally planned to move the appointment back to Monday the 20th, but my anxiety is getting the best of me right now.  I am so grateful for my therapist, who I saw Saturday for the first time in three weeks. She really does help me calm myself down, and put things in perspective. Also, a good friend who is coming out of that three month newborn fog reached out, and she helped ease some of my fears. So Saturday, in tears, in bed, debating going to L&D.... to today, feeling slightly calmer and in less pain.

I am making a list to ask the doctor Wednesday.

Stuff like-

• What is the plan for the next two and a half months? (I can't keep going and not knowing what to expect. Anxiety, by definition, is the fear of the unknown. So it's time to take control of these appointments). I also want to schedule as many appointments as she'll let me so I can make sure work is informed in advance of when I'll be out. 
• I want to know how we'll measure the baby, and make sure the placenta is still okay. How many kicks is too many/not enough. (Welcome to anxiety, where TOO MANY KICKS is a concern.) 
• What happens if my GD numbers get too crazy? 
• Blood pressure? 
• Swelling? 
• When do I call in to prevent a problem, or when am I being too paranoid? 

I'm sure this list will grow over the next three days.

Anyways, aside from that, trying to focus on positive outcomes. I am picturing baby girl sliding out without issues, hearing her cry, and then feeling her on my chest and counting her perfect little fingers and toes. Picturing us wrapped in a warm light of love and hope. That's my reality. That's the reality I am imagining.

Yesterday I was laying on my side in bed, just with my hand on the left side of my belly button, and I swear I felt her foot. It was hard and small, pushing against my hand. It was the single coolest thing I think I've ever experienced. My daughter's little foot stretching out.

I love her so, so much. If anything happened, I am not sure I could recover. I would be devastated. I know I would learn to go on, but this ... amount of love. This amount of love can be devastating. it is scary. But I'm letting it happen, slowly, because she needs it. She needs all of our love for the time we have her. And if my image of August 26th comes true, she'll get love on the outside, too. But for now, I am channeling my love inward.

Anyways, I should  know more Wednesday after the appointment. Just wanted to get it off my chest here how terrified I am, how much I want her safe, and how my therapy is helping me take control of the situation where I can, and demand answers for the care I'm paying for. Not that my OB isn't already doing this as if everything was going well ( because it is), but I need a little extra coddling ,and she needs to know that.

We also still have to go get the TDapp... D-Tapp? I can't remember. Anyways, it's whooping couch. I'm a little hesitant with all these fetal vaccinations, but since it is in the area, I suppose we need to do it before she's here as opposed to after.

Life is crazy. I will tell you that.

Friday I have taken the day off work to get the nursery ready with my mom. I am excited, but doing this stuff also worries me. Planning for the best, but preparing for the worst might be where my head is at right now. Trying to find happiness in this stuff, but it scares me.

Anyways, love. That's all it is. Just love. That's all we  can do.

-Em

The Final Countdown

My OB said it best with, "I can't believe you're entering into the third trimester already!"

... How are we only twelve weeks way from baby time? I mean, twelve weeks is going to probably feel like twelve months... but it does feel like the past 28 weeks have been a blur (a blur of stress, anxiety, doctors visits, and concern. But a blur, nonetheless).

Yesterday we had our 28 week appointment. Much to my dismay, there was no fundal height measuring, no cervix checking, and no belly width measurements. I was under the impression that starting at 28 weeks we started getting measured. So I left the doctor's office pretty upset and anxious. Then I talked to my friends and cousins, and apparently if everything is "normal" they won't start looking for problems until a little later. Okay... seems okay to me. Next appointment I will be asking about what the measurements will be, how things will be tracked, and getting more information. The not knowing for someone with my personality is the worse. I get let down any time I have an expectation. So next appointment (in two weeks) we will be setting expectations.

Diabetes Update - I officially have crossed the threshold into Gestational Diabetes (earlier I was just dipping my toes in the diabetic waters). My morning numbers range from 85-97, putting my on the high end of normal. Tuesday  I went to the GD training session, and I have to say, I would recommend all pregnant women attend this type of training. It teaches you how to eat to feed the baby, which is really valuable and I was definitely doing it wrong. I was cutting too many carbs, so all weekend I felt sick, nauseous and light-headed. I think that also was a stomach bug I inherited from a coworker. That all combined was no good. But now that I'm trying to follow my customized meal plan, things seem to be better. I am not eating enough carbs during my snacks, and eating too many during meals, which is why my levels are spiking. So we are going to try to level it out by bumping the carbs throughout the day. The best way to look at the gd diet is as a daily budget. I am allowed 12-14 carbs a day (most women get 10-12, but I'm a big girl). So I need to spend them wisely and evenly. If you are on the borderline of a GD diagnosis, I recommend just taking the plunge and going to the class. You will learn a lot!

The follow up session will be next Tuesday when we go over my food and numbers and see how things are progressing. Crazy!

As far as the pregnancy, things seem okay. Baby is kicking away. Last night I did the first official kick count. My stomach sometimes feels bloated and detached, and it is painful, but I imagine that will only continue as it gets bigger. She kicks a lot and I love it. I love feeling her in there. Even when she does the creepy little tiny movements down by my pantyline.

Swimming has offiically started, too. Since my hips seem to be deteriorating in strength, the pool will be my go-to. I have committed to three days of swimming a week. Doable, depending on weather. Once we get into July I doubt weather will be a big factor, as it's always in the 90s+ and hot and sunny here. So that's good stuff.

Overall a good update. I will say the hormones are OUT OF CONTROL. I am sad, mad, irritated, angry, upset, excited, elated... constantly. I am rarely even. I know I was somewhat of a rollercoaster before, but this morning I woke up and found out my husband threw away my lunch for today, and I wanted to throw myself on the floor and throw a tantrum. It is amazing the spikes in emotion!

Alrighty, well, that's it for now. OH, I got the Rhogam shot, and a blood draw for something. And a prescriptiong for TDapp. (That's whooping cough I believe). Crazy to think we're so close now...

-Emily

24 weeks and feeling pregnant

As we delve deeper into this pregnancy, I feel like I'm speaking less and less about hematomas, clotting, and blood disorders. For that, I apologize. But I think the logging of symptoms and this pregnancy are important going forward. Either if things go well, or not, then I have something to look back on.

I am now 24 weeks, 3 days. We have 15 weeks left until our life is changing forever.

I didn't get to see her at our last appointment, and it sounds like if I want to see her again I'll have to pay to go somewhere on my own. We are debating that, but it's very expensive, and might not be something we need to do. At the appointment I gained 3 lbs, but that was because I was weighed after work. My last appointments were all in the morning, and my daily weigh-in is not changing. I would have been 299 or 300, but not 302.6 (which is what it was at their office). 

My doctor told me I'd need to go back and do two more glucose tests - this week, and again at 28 weeks. or I could opt to treat myself like I had Gestational Diabetes, and monitor my blood sugars daily. Since I don't want to use another day off to get stabbed at the blood place, I opted to monitor at home. My fingers are sore and bruised already, but it's getting easier. And my sugars have been well below the limits except for Saturday when I had McDonalds, which, I knew wouldn't be a good thing. 

She wants my fasting to be under 95, and my after eating to be below 145. So far the highest I've gone is 148, otherwise I'm around 130, 120 ish. I have, however, noticed that I dropped weight. I was down to 298 this morning. So it seems as though carefully monitoring my intake and eating 6 small meals a day is helping. For that, I am grateful. Even though my fingers hurt, this is a great thing for me to retrain my body. 

Anyways, I was pretty active this weekend. Went to the barn and saw my mom's horse, went to lunch and on Saturday I spent an hour in therapy. All of that moving around has my hips aching today. Very painful, but I'm glad this week at work should be pretty low-key. I am hoping to sit as much as possible. And then we have two more weeks and POOLS OPEN! I cannot wait to get in the water. My new swim suit came (from target, and it fits perfectly!) And I'm ready for that. I want to add exercise back in, but don't want my hips to hurt like they do. I do think that by the end of this I will not have gained any weight. we are being very vigilant, and once I can add exercise back in, I know we'll get even better. 

For me? That is huge. Food and weight rules me, but I'm learning how strong I am, and how I can control my body, and this is going to be great going into the future. 

Some other things -- last night baby girl changed her moving. It was less like kicks, and more like I could feel her shifting around. I think she's getting bigger and I can really feel her movement now. Well over a pound now, she is a force to be reckoned with! This morning she kicked my side and I felt it on my arm! And she is also kicking my butt. I know that's weird? I thought it was gas, but I'm pretty sure it's actually her. So she's a moving baby. There are still slow times, and I tell her to wake up baby, let me know you're okay. And she usually does. And when she hears her daddy's voice she stops moving entirely and listens. Then when he stops talking she goes nuts. 

It's amazing, that she is such a little person already. :) 

Yesterday my mom and I started planning out the nursery. I think it's going to be cute. Pink, purple and gray with carousel horses! And now all I need furniture-wise is a changing table. Which should be pretty easy to find to match the room (white). 

I love this little girl so much. I want her so badly, and I am so eager for everything to go okay. So, prayers are going up constantly for her to make it here healthy and happy. 

Oh, another thing! I FOUND A BABYSITTER! Ahhhhh. Sooooo freaking relieved. We have to go meet her and make sure everyone gets along, but we have a babysiter, she's taking one baby this fall, and we'll go part time. So my husband can stay in school and still work a day or two. it's going to be very,very tight money-wise, and we could really use some help with bills, but she is affordable enough that we can do two days a week, and maaaybe three if something changes by then (i.e. I get a raise). 

So, things are falling into place. <3 Therapy is also helping me see that I can be happy. I don't have to be sad to make things have a positive outcome. I don't have that kind of control, so I'm trying to just let go, have faith, pray, and love this child. 

-Emily

Sugar

So I officially failed my hour glucose screen, the goal is under 140, and my score was 150. So today I went back and did the three hour glucose test to see if I have gestational diabetes.

If you can avoid this, I recommend doing so at all costs. It involved four blood draws (and one failed poke, so five total). The first hour and a half I thought I was going to pass out and really thought I was going to throw up and I fought through it because I did NOT want to start over again. By hour two, I felt great! like my body had kicked into gear and was processing the sugar.

All in all, I say it's not as bad as I thought it would be, but also not a barrel of laughs. So if you can eat healthy and avoid failing your hour screening, do it. Because this sucks.

That being said, for the past two days I've been following the diabetic guidelines for eating, and I actually lost two lbs! Down to 297. So I think, regardless of the results, I am going to try to stick with this method of eating and know that I am prone to it (my mother and aunt both have diabetes). I don't want to test my sugars all day, but having counseling and strict guidelines would help me, I think. So while I'm not wishing for a positive by any means, at least some good will come out of this.

Some other weird stuff, the green goo came back ,and then disappeared again. My doctor prescribed more flagyl, but I am waiting to take it to see if it returns. My rash comes and goes, but it's gone right now.  And it is an incredibly GORGEOUS day here, 61 degrees and sunny, so I'm going to get out for a walk tonight. The baby has moved up off my pelvis (I honestly laid with my legs up on the wall for about two hours on Monday, and I think it worked). So I am getting out there. No excuses left. I also ordered a pair of maternity capris from old navy which should make working out more comfortable.

So that's my update today. If I get news about test results from my doctor tomrorow I will share them. At this point, I'm just leaving it out there and not going to worry about it, because there's nothing I can do. Oh, and I'm uploading a chart my coworker and I created to help me through some anxiety. Who knows, it might help someone else.

-Emily