I'm sure there are people in my life who consider me a hypochondriac/worrier of grandiose proportions. Sure, I'll agree, I have my insecurities. But to say our birth story was anything short of traumatic would be a gross understatement. Before I dive into details (because they're already getting fuzzy, and I want to remember), I will say that baby is perfect, and the "I've never known love like this" emotion is a real thing...
We were called in for induction at 2:30am on August 23, 2016. I had been checked the day before and was at 2cm dilated, but my cervix was still thick and baby hadn't fully dropped. But with the GD, we weren't going past our due date of the 26th, so after discussing with our doctor, we decided to induce. Our goal was a vaginal birth - we wanted to avoid the c-section if at all possible because of my weight. I don't have anything against sections, or RCS, my doctor was just worried about wound breakdown, and with my pelvis shape we thought we could get her out on her own. The shoulder problems were still a question mark, but after weighing the options we wanted to try vaginal first.
Cue the Cytotec.
First dose of Cytotec was inserted later that morning, and they hooked me up to a saline drip. I was able to move around, but the wireless monitors were broken so I was forced to stay in about a 10' radius. (Almost everything in my room was broken - bed, wireless monitors, thermometer...) The resident OBGYN and her intern did the first dose of cytotec, and I think the pill didn't make it all the way up to the cervix. Later we would discover I was only dilating on the outside, not the inside of my cervix. We went to 'sleep' and would be checked in four hours to check progress.
Four hours later - cervix still hard, still at 2cm. No progress. Second round of Cytotec and they started me on a Pitocin drip. Contractions started coming irregularly. The external monitor wasn't extremely accurate, and we weren't getting measurements if I had to get up to use the bathroom. But I was starting to contract. This wasn't pleasant, but also not extremely painful. Four hours went by and again, no progress. So we decided to try a foley bulb.
Ladies. I can honestly tell you that in my 28 years of life I've never experienced anything as painful as a foley bulb.
What is it? It's a rubber 'balloon' shoved up your vagina past your cervix that is inflated once in position. They tie a 'stem' it's connected to to your leg and pull it out further manually every 30 minutes with the hopes of dilating you to a 4 or a 5. By now I was having killer back labor (oh, btw, baby girl was still turned sideways and that back labor is no joke. The pain of contractions were 100% happening in my back. Not like anyone describes them (hips to front in a tightening painful motion.) Oh no, back labor is like if someone is taking a blunt dagger and repeatedly digging it into your lower spine.) But I digress.
The foley bulb was misery. I almost threw up in pain (never happened to me before) and I just about broke my husbands hands. But, about an hour and a half later, it finally came out. ... I was dilated to a 3.
At this point, my doctor came to check on things, and I told her I wasn't able to move around because of the censors. She quickly remedied that and I could start sitting on the ball and laboring more naturally -- that is what helped immensely.
After all this and no progress, we assumed we were destined for a c-section, But my doctor is AMAZING and said "let's take a break". So we cut the Pitocin drip, did another Cytotec and were told to relax for the night. That was our saving grace. Without that break we'd have never made it vaginally, and a section would have been exhausting. We closed out the night watching South Park and trying to sleep.
The next day (Thurs August 25)
My cervix FINALLY started softening!! WIth that news, we started Pitocin again.
However, water wasn't broken. SO my doctor decided that was our next step. The resident on-call was scheduled to come break my water, which terrified me for some reason - probably because of the stories I've heard about the hook they use - so I bounced on my ball ferociously. Resigned to the fact it was happening, I relaxed and felt a semi-painful POP and gush of fluids. Bloody fluids. My water broke on its own!! After that, shit got real. (I also think baby girl finally twisted her head and got into place. Before this she was facing to th right - thank you baby, for the back labor love you!! ;) )
After my water broke the Pitocin (now about 2 bags in) started doing its job and the contractions were getting strong and painful. So my doctor said I could have an epidural. The epidural guy and I had a bit of a misunderstanding so he went in a bit far to the left, and the entire time my right side wasn't very "epiduraled" (as they don't really go numb). The cold sensation from the drugs going down the tube taped to my spine was by far the weirdest sensation of this whole adventure. I felt like a robot with a cooling system - and no legs.
Around this time, we had a new nurse come in. She wasn't assigned to me, but her coworkers were busy with a delivery so she filled in. I loved Sherri so much. We asked her to stay with us for delivery. Luckily my OB agreed. Sherri had seen some labors, she was calm, collected, and experienced. I felt very comfortable with her. All of the nurses were AMAZING, but some stand out, and she was one of them. I actually say that the reason we were able to have this baby vaginally is because of Sherri, who really took care of me. And also used the peanut ball to help me dilate. I can't say enough thank yous to this woman.
Alright, so now I'm drugged up, using the peanut ball (literally just an exercise ball shaped like a peanut) between my knees trying to encourage baby to make her way. Still dilated to 3cm. But finally able to relax. My husband and I watched Miss Congeniality. lol
Later that day, I started feeling off. I assumed it was my blood sugar. They were monitoring it every 4 hours, but I hadn't had breakfast, and the epidural meant I could only have soda, juice or frozen juice. I was not a happy camper, but no one could really do anything. Eventually, I started having chills. And then my blood pressure bottomed out.
It was really bad. I can honestly say that the only time I was extremely worried about my life was lying on this table, unable to move or eat, and watching my blood pressure drop to 60/40. The resident doctor was in the room eventually and helped to get my bp back up. It took about 4 doses of... some drug? What I realize now that I didn't know then is that I had started hemmoraghing. I believe the placenta / sack had started to tear away from my uterus and blood was filling up in there. I kept feeling pressure and thought it was baby's head, but everyone told me no way - i Was hardly dilated.
Finally, after stopping shaking and my BP regulated (to about 90/45) I made the nurse check me, and there was a head!! They put in internal monitors for baby since she was having decels. And they called my doctor.
What we found out later is that my doctor had decided we were going to do a c-section at that point. When the nurse called her to say she felt a head she didn't believe the nurse!! They told her to get there ASAP. She was going to be there in 30 minutes, but she really didn't have that long,because baby girl was coming! I could feel her head every time I contracted! It was surreal!!
When my doctor got to the room she double-checked, and sure enough there was head. I just remember the nurse saying "Get your gown on!" frantically. As soon as they were ready, we got my legs up and did a 'practice push'. Baby crowned and then two pushes later and she was OUT!!! My husband said she shot out into my doctor's hands. Everyone cheered at a FTM giving birth in 2 pushes, my doctor was so excited, the nurse said she hadn't seen anything like it, and another nurse said she wanted a labor as easy as mine!
They put my baby on my chest and she screamed her little head off. And settled a bit. She was covered in vernix and so disgusting but I couldn't quite believe I made this tiny human. She didn't look a thing like me- she looked just like her daddy! The cord was so long that the doctor thought they cut it and they hadn't. We donated the cord blood and were able to let it stop pulsing before cutting it. My husband didn't want to cut the cord, so the nurse did. And everything was perfect. My doctor was stitching up my second degree tear and I had skin-to-skin like we wanted. It was freaking magical!
And then my doctor's face changed and she told Dylan to go over to the warming table and "take care of the baby". At that point about 10 additional people came in (after several harried calls were made to selected residents). And the room changed.
Part 3 - Blood
We went in on Tuesday jokingly saying we would keep track of how many people had their hands in my vagina. We were at about 6 when all hell broke loose, and honestly, I am guessing after labor and delivery the number is larger than 10.
I just kept bleeding. There was so much blood. My doctor couldn't get it to stop. She called in residents and the house doctor for consultation and help. They tried stitching my torn uterus, but there was "Nothing to stitch it to". Seriously, those words were spoken. Transfusion blood was ordered and they put me back on Pit to help the uterus contract (how they typically get bleeding to stop). Nothing was working. I Just kept seeing them pull lap pads out of me. I felt like an episode of Greys Anatomy. It was surreal. I can't think of a better word to describe it than that.
My doctor kept saying "how are you doing, emily?" "are you alright?" i felt okay. I just stared at my husband and baby and watched as they did her footprints and cleaned her up. She was so small, and yet so fierce. 8 lbs 9 ounces. 21.5" long. In the 99th percentile for cranial circumference and height. And she was absolutely perfect. Her cries were so loud and demanding. I just focused on them. They got the baby swaddled and my husband had her and was sitting in the corner watching everything.
My doctor also asked if I had any history of clotting (uhhh.... seriously?) and if I had heavy periods as a kid (still do.) At my five week follow up, I will be asking her more about those questions. At the time, I just rolled my eyes.
The doctors made sure all of the placenta had been removed, and were trying to get me to stop bleeding. Sherri and the nurses got more meds that cause bleeding to stop. And they put a new line in me for the blood transfusion, which, luckily, didn't happen. My doctor finally decided to put in pads. Seriously, they stuffed me like a turkey. I think there were over 20 lap pads in me. The hope was I would stop bleeding on my own, since they couldn't do anything.
Once the blood stopped oozing, they cleaned me up, packed me up, and cleaned up the room. There was blood everywhere. On the counters, on the floor. On the bed. Like magic, everyone seemed to disappear. Maybe shock took over? All I remember was being told I was full of gauze and we'd check it in the morning to see if we had to go to OR to fix me. OH, and that I could FINALLY eat something light.
... to be continued
Showing posts with label labor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label labor. Show all posts
Sunday, September 11, 2016
Friday, August 5, 2016
Friday Morning Musings - Come On Baby....
Alright, so it's been a while since a real update. Here's where we're at:
1.5cm dialated
Baby weighing in at 7lbs 3oz
Glucose levels hovering between 74-130 (Yay!) (But eating more to try to keep them above 90, so ... might be gaining more weight?)
Might be losing some of my mucus plug, but not confirmed
So at the last doctor appointment I was told - basically - that because of my obesity, we are screwed either way. Hear me out. The baby's head and bones are all slowing down and measuring correctly 37 weeks. However, her abdomen is measuring 40 weeks. Which puts us at risk for shoulder displasia if she comes vaginally and is too big (i.e. 39/40 weeks). If she comes early (this week or next) we might be okay, as my doctor thinks my body could handle a 7 or 8 lb baby.
However, if she doesn't come early, we will have to do a c-section. But, because of my excessive amounts of fat, I am at risk for "wound breakdown". Yes, something new to worry about. Basically, the weight keeps the stitches from healing properly and the wound breaks down. Which could require debridement. And honestly? I'm scared it could permanently ruin my uterus. I could be barren at 28 because I'm fat.
Doctor also told us that if she comes now, she should be okay size-wise and functionally good. So in my head, this means "okay baby, time to come." I'm praying she makes her appearance within the next 10 days. Preventing a c-section, and preventing shoulder displasia. Which, by the way, can result in broken collar bone or PARALYSIS.
After hearing these possibilities, I am pretty heartbroken. My poor life choices have resulted in me or my baby being hurt, me being infertile, or even more complications. I know I worked very hard on the diabetes meal plan, but I do wish I could try again and be even better so it never got this bad. I was very good, but not perfect. I know that. And I'm mortified. What I do know is that I will never, ever, ever be this heavy again, and I will never go through pregnancy this heavy again. And I will also start weaning myself off of caffeine and fake sugars and try to live as healthily as possible and also up my workout schedule. This is going to require a life change. And also a life change for my baby's sake so she never has this issue either.
I'm just... sad. Sad that there is a tiny human in me who we can't get out without danger unless she decides to come on her own, and let's be honest, what first time baby comes 3 weeks early when they're all snug and cozy in there? I am very concerned.
Not to mention, work has been insane. I'm training my temporary replacement, which has proven to be more of a challenge than I like to admit. There is some sense of control I dislike letting go. But more than that, she is very grabby, and also not very thorough. So I am seeing mistakes and worried about leaving. I know it will all work out, but I was hoping for a smoother transition. There are also questions about my job, which I believe will result in a positive outcome, but for the time being it is disconcerting and worrying and stressful. I was hoping these last few weeks would be calm and a time to wrap up. Instead, I'm just being bombarded with new challanges, and by Friday I want to curl into a ball and sleep/cry.
The thing they don't HONESTLY tell you about working full time and pregnancy? Your brain just doesn't work the same. Your body is physically exhausted. And you just. don't. care. Like, you want to, and you try your hardest, but the only thing that matters is your tiny baby in your tummy. And how can anything matter more than that ever? It's been difficult. I care so deeply about my job, my team, my performance, our products.... and it's weird walking away from it for 3 months, and handing over all of my responsibilites to someone. Which is very scary. What if she is better than me? What if they find my position unnecessary? What if they find mistakes while I'm out and fire me? All of these things are anxiety speaking, and I'm sure once baby gets here they'll hardly matter, but it's making my last month of work very stressful.
Not to mention, I still have THREE WEEKS LEFT. I don't know how that is even possible. My best friend is pregnant and she is already 1/2 way through her pregnancy. How do I still have almost a month left? There are only nine months in this process, and the last one truly does take an eternity. Having anxiety, fear, and exhaustion, oh and being obese and terrified of the outcome -- those all play into it, I am sure.
Sorry, I had this beautiful, bright sunny mentality last week, and this week it's like I can't even force myself to get out of bed. My brain is full, my heart is heavy, and i'm thinking this is post-partum kicking in early. My doctor is already aware, and we will address that with medication.
I just want that happiness back. But between work, health, fat, finances, husband, I am distracted and worried and not a damn thing seems to be helping, because once I tackle one demon, another pops up.
I guess that is life, and we have to learn to get through it together. I will console myself by going to the tax free weekend sale at Once Upon a Child and getting some cute baby items and telling myself that no matter what happens to me, this baby is my number 1 priority and her health is all that matters.
Now, to roll around on my exercise ball, drink Red Raspberry Leaf Tea, and eat pineapples. Oh and walk. Come on baby, be ready. We're so ready for you.
Em
1.5cm dialated
Baby weighing in at 7lbs 3oz
Glucose levels hovering between 74-130 (Yay!) (But eating more to try to keep them above 90, so ... might be gaining more weight?)
Might be losing some of my mucus plug, but not confirmed
So at the last doctor appointment I was told - basically - that because of my obesity, we are screwed either way. Hear me out. The baby's head and bones are all slowing down and measuring correctly 37 weeks. However, her abdomen is measuring 40 weeks. Which puts us at risk for shoulder displasia if she comes vaginally and is too big (i.e. 39/40 weeks). If she comes early (this week or next) we might be okay, as my doctor thinks my body could handle a 7 or 8 lb baby.
However, if she doesn't come early, we will have to do a c-section. But, because of my excessive amounts of fat, I am at risk for "wound breakdown". Yes, something new to worry about. Basically, the weight keeps the stitches from healing properly and the wound breaks down. Which could require debridement. And honestly? I'm scared it could permanently ruin my uterus. I could be barren at 28 because I'm fat.
Doctor also told us that if she comes now, she should be okay size-wise and functionally good. So in my head, this means "okay baby, time to come." I'm praying she makes her appearance within the next 10 days. Preventing a c-section, and preventing shoulder displasia. Which, by the way, can result in broken collar bone or PARALYSIS.
After hearing these possibilities, I am pretty heartbroken. My poor life choices have resulted in me or my baby being hurt, me being infertile, or even more complications. I know I worked very hard on the diabetes meal plan, but I do wish I could try again and be even better so it never got this bad. I was very good, but not perfect. I know that. And I'm mortified. What I do know is that I will never, ever, ever be this heavy again, and I will never go through pregnancy this heavy again. And I will also start weaning myself off of caffeine and fake sugars and try to live as healthily as possible and also up my workout schedule. This is going to require a life change. And also a life change for my baby's sake so she never has this issue either.
I'm just... sad. Sad that there is a tiny human in me who we can't get out without danger unless she decides to come on her own, and let's be honest, what first time baby comes 3 weeks early when they're all snug and cozy in there? I am very concerned.
Not to mention, work has been insane. I'm training my temporary replacement, which has proven to be more of a challenge than I like to admit. There is some sense of control I dislike letting go. But more than that, she is very grabby, and also not very thorough. So I am seeing mistakes and worried about leaving. I know it will all work out, but I was hoping for a smoother transition. There are also questions about my job, which I believe will result in a positive outcome, but for the time being it is disconcerting and worrying and stressful. I was hoping these last few weeks would be calm and a time to wrap up. Instead, I'm just being bombarded with new challanges, and by Friday I want to curl into a ball and sleep/cry.
The thing they don't HONESTLY tell you about working full time and pregnancy? Your brain just doesn't work the same. Your body is physically exhausted. And you just. don't. care. Like, you want to, and you try your hardest, but the only thing that matters is your tiny baby in your tummy. And how can anything matter more than that ever? It's been difficult. I care so deeply about my job, my team, my performance, our products.... and it's weird walking away from it for 3 months, and handing over all of my responsibilites to someone. Which is very scary. What if she is better than me? What if they find my position unnecessary? What if they find mistakes while I'm out and fire me? All of these things are anxiety speaking, and I'm sure once baby gets here they'll hardly matter, but it's making my last month of work very stressful.
Not to mention, I still have THREE WEEKS LEFT. I don't know how that is even possible. My best friend is pregnant and she is already 1/2 way through her pregnancy. How do I still have almost a month left? There are only nine months in this process, and the last one truly does take an eternity. Having anxiety, fear, and exhaustion, oh and being obese and terrified of the outcome -- those all play into it, I am sure.
Sorry, I had this beautiful, bright sunny mentality last week, and this week it's like I can't even force myself to get out of bed. My brain is full, my heart is heavy, and i'm thinking this is post-partum kicking in early. My doctor is already aware, and we will address that with medication.
I just want that happiness back. But between work, health, fat, finances, husband, I am distracted and worried and not a damn thing seems to be helping, because once I tackle one demon, another pops up.
I guess that is life, and we have to learn to get through it together. I will console myself by going to the tax free weekend sale at Once Upon a Child and getting some cute baby items and telling myself that no matter what happens to me, this baby is my number 1 priority and her health is all that matters.
Now, to roll around on my exercise ball, drink Red Raspberry Leaf Tea, and eat pineapples. Oh and walk. Come on baby, be ready. We're so ready for you.
Em
Monday, July 25, 2016
come on tiny baby, we only have a few weeks left...
That is what I keep saying to this child. Come on tiny baby, we don't have long now. Hang in there, be okay. I must admit, my anxiety is pretty high right now. We are so, so very deeply invested in this life-changing process and our daughter being here. I am TERRIFIED of anything going wrong. Husband has asked me to get off of google/forums. I am trying to, but sometimes I freak out and look something up and BAM, there is someone who had a placental abruption at 35 weeks (out of the blue) and lost their son.
I realize we are being monitored more heavily than others, but it still scares me. Saturday night I had what looked like light spotting. I was a hot mess after that. We decided to wait it out and see, as it wasn't clearly blood. Nothing happened again, so I think we're okay. And baby was moving like CRAZY. Everyone tells me (including the OB) that movement is good, no movement is bad. And lots of movement is good too. So as long as I feel her, it's okay.
I've also been doing kick counts twice a day. Once after breakfast, once before bed. She flipped around I think ,so now her head is facing either out or left, because I'm feeling much more movement when she is moving. However, we do have a lot of sleepy times. I am trying to keep stress levels down at work so she is calmer and so am I. That way consciously feel for her throughout the day.
I feel like in the past week my stomach has just grown massively. Coworkers and randos on the street are asking when I'm due. I'm like, we've got another month left, at least. They can't believe it. I believe my 21.3cm of amniotic fluid makes me look bigger. I also found out it can cause cord problems or prolapsed cords. Seriously, have to stop reading the boards. But I am going to make a list of things that scare me and address them with the doctor this week. My therapist thinks I should write them out and hand her the list so I can't get shy and not ask. So that is the plan, and husband will be accompanying me for this appointment. It's my first cervical check, AND an ultrasound, and an NST, and an appointment. It's going to be a long morning.
Anyways, I'm huge, very uncomfortable, very nervous, and ready for her to be here safely. I know people keep telling me to 'enjoy' this last time before your life changes forever. But honestly? I have been waiting for her for so long now.... I just want her. We're so ready. I know our lives will be impacted in ways we can't even imagine. But it's going to be so, so wonderful to have our family.
At work, I am training the temp, who told me today she is feeling overwhelmed. I need to step back and take more steps to cover basics with her. I thought she was frustrated I wasn't giving her enough work, but turns out I was sending too much. She will be fine, and they'll cover me when I'm gone without a problem, so I am feeling calmer about this all. But yes. Crazy.
So the mural is almost done in the nursery. Pictures below. We're so close! Now we just need a few more items:
And that's about it!! There is a lot more we will need:
The list goes on, but what I want to have here before she arrives is almost ready! So exciting.
We'll do one big final sweep through Target and Babies R Us and get any last minute items. I have all of this breastfeeding stuff, so I am hoping we can make that work. I've attended our birthing class and our nursing class. We've got our birth plan written. Now I just ... wait. And you all know just how well I wait (not very well). 31 days if we make it to due date. 21 days left of work.
In our packed bags are:
Husband Bag -
Emily & Baby Bag -
Labor Bag -
I'm sure there's more, but that's the essentials.
So I was reading a story about a girl who has Type 1 diabetes, had a breech baby last pregnancy and had a c-section, and wants to do a VBAC. Her doctor and MFM has told her (basically) if it happens it happens, but she is very upset and wants her VBAC. At term. I am so scared of anything happening that I am all like "you want to take her on 38 weeks? Yes, please.". I don't understand how people can have such differing opinions. But I value reading them, because it helps keep mine in perspective. I hope she gets what she wants, but for me, I am so nervous of making a wrong decision, that I'll take a c-section if it's the only way. That being said, I will be upping my Red Raspberry Leaf tea intake to two cups/day starting this Friday. And up to 3 cups next week. I can feel her pushing on my bladder and cervix, and my pee trips at night have jumped from 2 to anywhere between 4-7. So while I know que sera sera, i think this baby is making her way to the exit, as Semisonic would say.
Okay I've started seriously nervous-rambling. What else do I want to record for posterity...
- my counselor is wanting me to check in with her after appointments to help keep anxiety at bay
- work... i don't know. it's just a big cluster sometimes. I don't know what to do about that
- no spotting or blood when i wipe, and good movement
- baby appears to have her head on my left side now, with legs on the left, butt on the right
- I'm not terrified of labor, maybe I should be? But the thought of getting there just makes me happy
- Constantly exhausted
- We put LED lights in the baby room. Which is the coolest thing ever. And our storage freezer arrives today.
- I will ask my doctor about tubular breasts... maybe. Maybe I don't want to know!
- Have started leaking colostrum. This morning Iwoke up with actual hardened beads. That's a first!
okay, more Wednesday.
-Emily
I realize we are being monitored more heavily than others, but it still scares me. Saturday night I had what looked like light spotting. I was a hot mess after that. We decided to wait it out and see, as it wasn't clearly blood. Nothing happened again, so I think we're okay. And baby was moving like CRAZY. Everyone tells me (including the OB) that movement is good, no movement is bad. And lots of movement is good too. So as long as I feel her, it's okay.
I've also been doing kick counts twice a day. Once after breakfast, once before bed. She flipped around I think ,so now her head is facing either out or left, because I'm feeling much more movement when she is moving. However, we do have a lot of sleepy times. I am trying to keep stress levels down at work so she is calmer and so am I. That way consciously feel for her throughout the day.
I feel like in the past week my stomach has just grown massively. Coworkers and randos on the street are asking when I'm due. I'm like, we've got another month left, at least. They can't believe it. I believe my 21.3cm of amniotic fluid makes me look bigger. I also found out it can cause cord problems or prolapsed cords. Seriously, have to stop reading the boards. But I am going to make a list of things that scare me and address them with the doctor this week. My therapist thinks I should write them out and hand her the list so I can't get shy and not ask. So that is the plan, and husband will be accompanying me for this appointment. It's my first cervical check, AND an ultrasound, and an NST, and an appointment. It's going to be a long morning.
Anyways, I'm huge, very uncomfortable, very nervous, and ready for her to be here safely. I know people keep telling me to 'enjoy' this last time before your life changes forever. But honestly? I have been waiting for her for so long now.... I just want her. We're so ready. I know our lives will be impacted in ways we can't even imagine. But it's going to be so, so wonderful to have our family.
At work, I am training the temp, who told me today she is feeling overwhelmed. I need to step back and take more steps to cover basics with her. I thought she was frustrated I wasn't giving her enough work, but turns out I was sending too much. She will be fine, and they'll cover me when I'm gone without a problem, so I am feeling calmer about this all. But yes. Crazy.
So the mural is almost done in the nursery. Pictures below. We're so close! Now we just need a few more items:
- swing
- baby wearing carrier (ergobaby or lillebabty)
- some more packs of onesies
- some more sleepers
- swaddlers for both newborn and next size up
- a couple more burp cloths
- a few more receiving blankets
- nipple guards (I think I might have tubular breasts :( I don't know for sure, but just in case these shields might help...)
And that's about it!! There is a lot more we will need:
- baby walker
- high chair
- running stroller
- boppy chair
- boppy pillow
- extra crib mattress (for our Secure Beginnings mattress)
The list goes on, but what I want to have here before she arrives is almost ready! So exciting.
We'll do one big final sweep through Target and Babies R Us and get any last minute items. I have all of this breastfeeding stuff, so I am hoping we can make that work. I've attended our birthing class and our nursing class. We've got our birth plan written. Now I just ... wait. And you all know just how well I wait (not very well). 31 days if we make it to due date. 21 days left of work.
In our packed bags are:
Husband Bag -
- Outfit essentials (boxers, pajamas, socks, t-shirts)
- Towel
- Pillow & Blanket
- Soap, facial moisturizer, deodorant
- Carseat (this is in the car...)
Emily & Baby Bag -
- 3 outfits for me (one nice one for pics, the rest are comfy)
- 1 Nursing bra
- 1 Nursing tank
- 1 onesie (plan on getting an additional outfit or two when we do our final shop for different sizes)
- 2 NB cloth diapers for pictures
- Nipple cream just in case
- Makeup bag
- Soap, shampoo, conditioner, deodorant
- 1 receiving blanket
- 1 muslin swaddle
- Socks (me and baby)
- Baby hat
- Debating a boppy if we get one
- A baggy full of wipes
- Colace
- Phone charger
- Pack of Magic the Gathering cards and deck to play with
- Ponytail holders and brush
Labor Bag -
- Two robes
- Fuzzy slipper socks
- Massage oil
- Heating pad
- Chapstick
- Lotion
- Contacts & solution
- Camera
I'm sure there's more, but that's the essentials.
So I was reading a story about a girl who has Type 1 diabetes, had a breech baby last pregnancy and had a c-section, and wants to do a VBAC. Her doctor and MFM has told her (basically) if it happens it happens, but she is very upset and wants her VBAC. At term. I am so scared of anything happening that I am all like "you want to take her on 38 weeks? Yes, please.". I don't understand how people can have such differing opinions. But I value reading them, because it helps keep mine in perspective. I hope she gets what she wants, but for me, I am so nervous of making a wrong decision, that I'll take a c-section if it's the only way. That being said, I will be upping my Red Raspberry Leaf tea intake to two cups/day starting this Friday. And up to 3 cups next week. I can feel her pushing on my bladder and cervix, and my pee trips at night have jumped from 2 to anywhere between 4-7. So while I know que sera sera, i think this baby is making her way to the exit, as Semisonic would say.
Okay I've started seriously nervous-rambling. What else do I want to record for posterity...
- my counselor is wanting me to check in with her after appointments to help keep anxiety at bay
- work... i don't know. it's just a big cluster sometimes. I don't know what to do about that
- no spotting or blood when i wipe, and good movement
- baby appears to have her head on my left side now, with legs on the left, butt on the right
- I'm not terrified of labor, maybe I should be? But the thought of getting there just makes me happy
- Constantly exhausted
- We put LED lights in the baby room. Which is the coolest thing ever. And our storage freezer arrives today.
- I will ask my doctor about tubular breasts... maybe. Maybe I don't want to know!
- Have started leaking colostrum. This morning Iwoke up with actual hardened beads. That's a first!
okay, more Wednesday.
-Emily
Monday, March 21, 2016
Shifting Internals, and a new name for this blog?
Okay, I wish I had a pregnant friend or two, to go through this process with, because reading the internet is just scary, and my friends are mostly single, so I am pioneering the way through mucus and hip pain.
Anyways, weirdest thing happened this weekend. Friday night I was very, very sore. So sore I felt a little shaky and sick. Standing up made me feel a little off, and my hips/round ligaments/uterus were very achey. I was a little concerned about a miscarraige again because it almost felt crampy.
I went to bed, and when I woke up, everything felt different. Almost like she moved higher up in my abdomen. I don't have nearly the symptoms I had before. The achey hips are there (obesity at its finest). But the sloshing feeling is gone, the constant pulling is gone. I think the baby might have shifted higher up? Is that what happens when skinny women "pop" and get their bellies? I don't think I'll really "pop" due to my stomach, but maybe that is the defining moment?
It's so weird, and I was so nervous I had to use my doppler to make sure she was okay. Heart beating strong, just... don't feel... pregnant. Not like I was. Is this the second trimester golden period? In early pregnancy this is a sign of a miscarriage, but I am wondering if we just moved her out of my pelvis?
I'm so confused. All the time!
I also had a few strange realizations:
Some good things to work through. Now that I am recognizing these bad behaviours and thought patterns, I am addressing them as they come up, and I can already tell today is a better day for me. I am feeling stronger, more in control. I never want my pregnancy or children to 100% define me. I think that is the fatal mistake in women who have children and in 20 years realize they've completely lost themselves. I want to give everything to my children, yes, but I still want my husband, and me, to be a priority. I want to be important and take care of us and our relationship. So as we move forward, it's going to be finding footholds of strength and taking steps to make sure I am making good decisions for all the stakeholders in our lives (husband, me, baby).
I was also looking at Instagram accounts of fitness coaches last night. They are able to be pregnant and maintain their figure and workout regimen. It reminded me that this is a NATURAL process. And while my body is unnaturally obese, it still knows what to do (or is at least learning). Do I think the miscarriage was natural? No. I still fully believe there was something underlying it, and the aspirin/progesterone regime I put myself on this time allowed this pregnancy to progress. But now that my body has taken over, I am going to try to have faith in it. Be good to it. And treat myself cautiously, but with the respect I deserve. And the next time we go through this (hopefully in two years when we have a healthy child alive and part of our family) I will be in a different place mentally and physically.
I am getting excited to take the baby for walks and eventually jogs. I am going to get the jogger. I am excited for races and being fit and active. I know I'll never look like @chontelduncan or @sarahstage, but I can look like me in better health with a lower BMI. And that's the goal. And once I can get to a healthy place with food and body image, and have a successful pregnancy, than the fear of this process should be replaced with confidence.
Also, I'm not doctor, and I definitely wasn't "there" so to speak for any of these pregnancies and labors, but of my four friends who gave birth wtihin the last 6 months, all four of the women decided they wanted to do natural labor, no induction, no epidural. Of those four, three were induced and c-section. Only one gave birth as she originally wanted, and it was the one of the four who works out consistently and eats healthy foods daily. These women ranged on a scale from skinny to overweight with moderate exercise, but the one woman who did what she wanted with no complications was committed to fitness throughout her pregnancy, and I want to model the remainder of my time after her. I know I won't lose weight, but I have not gained a single pound yet, and I am so happy about that accomplishment.
SO anyways, onwards. And maybe I should rename my blog "Plus Size Pregnancy", because I'm telling you, from what I can tell, it's a very different ballgame.
-Emily
Anyways, weirdest thing happened this weekend. Friday night I was very, very sore. So sore I felt a little shaky and sick. Standing up made me feel a little off, and my hips/round ligaments/uterus were very achey. I was a little concerned about a miscarraige again because it almost felt crampy.
I went to bed, and when I woke up, everything felt different. Almost like she moved higher up in my abdomen. I don't have nearly the symptoms I had before. The achey hips are there (obesity at its finest). But the sloshing feeling is gone, the constant pulling is gone. I think the baby might have shifted higher up? Is that what happens when skinny women "pop" and get their bellies? I don't think I'll really "pop" due to my stomach, but maybe that is the defining moment?
It's so weird, and I was so nervous I had to use my doppler to make sure she was okay. Heart beating strong, just... don't feel... pregnant. Not like I was. Is this the second trimester golden period? In early pregnancy this is a sign of a miscarriage, but I am wondering if we just moved her out of my pelvis?
I'm so confused. All the time!
I also had a few strange realizations:
- I truly don't believe I deserve happiness/good things (I know we already discussed that, but I am seeing it now very clearly.)
- I am terrified that if I get happy and lose this baby, I will look like a fool.
Some good things to work through. Now that I am recognizing these bad behaviours and thought patterns, I am addressing them as they come up, and I can already tell today is a better day for me. I am feeling stronger, more in control. I never want my pregnancy or children to 100% define me. I think that is the fatal mistake in women who have children and in 20 years realize they've completely lost themselves. I want to give everything to my children, yes, but I still want my husband, and me, to be a priority. I want to be important and take care of us and our relationship. So as we move forward, it's going to be finding footholds of strength and taking steps to make sure I am making good decisions for all the stakeholders in our lives (husband, me, baby).
I was also looking at Instagram accounts of fitness coaches last night. They are able to be pregnant and maintain their figure and workout regimen. It reminded me that this is a NATURAL process. And while my body is unnaturally obese, it still knows what to do (or is at least learning). Do I think the miscarriage was natural? No. I still fully believe there was something underlying it, and the aspirin/progesterone regime I put myself on this time allowed this pregnancy to progress. But now that my body has taken over, I am going to try to have faith in it. Be good to it. And treat myself cautiously, but with the respect I deserve. And the next time we go through this (hopefully in two years when we have a healthy child alive and part of our family) I will be in a different place mentally and physically.
I am getting excited to take the baby for walks and eventually jogs. I am going to get the jogger. I am excited for races and being fit and active. I know I'll never look like @chontelduncan or @sarahstage, but I can look like me in better health with a lower BMI. And that's the goal. And once I can get to a healthy place with food and body image, and have a successful pregnancy, than the fear of this process should be replaced with confidence.
Also, I'm not doctor, and I definitely wasn't "there" so to speak for any of these pregnancies and labors, but of my four friends who gave birth wtihin the last 6 months, all four of the women decided they wanted to do natural labor, no induction, no epidural. Of those four, three were induced and c-section. Only one gave birth as she originally wanted, and it was the one of the four who works out consistently and eats healthy foods daily. These women ranged on a scale from skinny to overweight with moderate exercise, but the one woman who did what she wanted with no complications was committed to fitness throughout her pregnancy, and I want to model the remainder of my time after her. I know I won't lose weight, but I have not gained a single pound yet, and I am so happy about that accomplishment.
SO anyways, onwards. And maybe I should rename my blog "Plus Size Pregnancy", because I'm telling you, from what I can tell, it's a very different ballgame.
-Emily
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