I wanted to mention this, because I completely forgot -
When I called the specialist, his nurse told me they would prescribe progesterone once I had a confirmed pregnancy at 8 weeks. (I know we've discussed why this doesn't make sense.)
When I called my OB, she said they wanted to do a blood test, and if my progesterone was low they'd prescribe it. I am taking progesterone from the last pregnancy anyways, so it's not going to be low, and I told the nurse that.
Be your own advocate. I have not read anywhere that progesterone early can hurt the baby, it only helps the lining, and while I'm no doctor, and do your own research (seriously) my advice is to be your own advocate.
That's all!
-Em
Tuesday, December 29, 2015
Two days from a New Year, and I couldn't be happier
Out with the old, in with the new.
I have never before felt that was so much my mantra as I have this year. 2015 was a turbulent and not quite wonderful year for our family. The fact that we are just two days away from 2016 - a "9" year, which my friend who is into astrology says is a wonderful thing because it means positive change and in tarot it means energy of attainment and renewal ... (not that I believe in that stuff, per se... ;) - a year of change sounds really great. Positive change. I can feel it, I can feel the past year sloughing away as we slide into 2016.
The energy seems to be all around us. I know many, many people who are quite ready for the countdown to Midnight January 1st, 2016. This year was full of trials, tribulations, challenges, growth, and awakenings. I think we will carry these teachings into the new year.
Anyways, I just wanted to check in and let you know how things are progressing, because apparently things are progressing. So much so that I have joined the "August 2016 Birth Club" on BabyCenter. That's brave, bold, and unexpected. But I love hearing stories from pregnant women due in August, like us, who are unaffected by loss and sadness. They are excited--posting pictures of their ultrasounds and planning when to have a baby shower, and discussing what they want to eat. As much as I love my support groups, and plan to stay active with them, I do enjoy the less ominous feel I get from these new or second, third, fourth time moms who may have experienced loss, but are looking positively towards the future.
So I have decided to try to stay as positive as possible, and just be happy with whatever outcome we have. Because I have learned that "que sera, sera" and what will be, will be.
Our unoffiical due date would be August 26, 2016. I love that number, so many loops! 9-26-16.
I am currently so hungry I could eat multiple cows a day. I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop and get sick. I woke up slightly nauseous at 3 AM today, but nothing came of it. Though, my last pregnancy I was hardly ever sick. Just occasionally in the afternoon my stomach would turn. Last time I hated sweets, and I am still not into chocolate, but last night for dinner I wanted a McFlurry. Just a McFlurry. So that is different.
I have a doctor's appointment scheduled for January 13th at 10:15AM with Doctor W. this would be 7 weeks, 5 days along, which means we should get a heartbeat, image of the baby, and dating. Assuming she does an US, but after our last experience, I have a feeling she will if she can. If not, we'll schedule an ultrasound for 8 weeks (see, I think we'll just do it).
I guess, until then, we'll just keep doing what we're doing and staying positive. So far, there has been no spotting, and I do not have that wonky pain on my left side that I had the entire time with our angel baby. I actually don't hardly feel anything at all, except hungry and exhausted (i.e. going to bed at 7:30pm). And the constant peeing and thirst. But honestly, not much else. I am also taking this as a good sign.
I checked my calendar, and last time I visited the doctor in a panic on June 11, when I was 7 weeks, 2 days. I had been spotting and uncomfortable, and knew something was wrong. That was when she found the hematoma. And I had kept bleeding consistently since then. I already feel better about this. And even if there is no baby, or it's chemical, or even if I lose it this week or next, at least we know that we are capable of getting pregnant again (um, rather easily... as my husband would point out). So that is all positive, and I feel good. I feel like, for the first time in a while, that I could possibly be capable of doing this. Although 9 months seems like an excruciatingly long time for my body to behave, I have hope. I have faith. And I have love. And I am praying that we can make it through this.
Also, we put our deposit down on a puppy, so I will have a squishy, fat, puppy nugget to squeeze regardless of what happens. ;)
-Emily
I have never before felt that was so much my mantra as I have this year. 2015 was a turbulent and not quite wonderful year for our family. The fact that we are just two days away from 2016 - a "9" year, which my friend who is into astrology says is a wonderful thing because it means positive change and in tarot it means energy of attainment and renewal ... (not that I believe in that stuff, per se... ;) - a year of change sounds really great. Positive change. I can feel it, I can feel the past year sloughing away as we slide into 2016.
The energy seems to be all around us. I know many, many people who are quite ready for the countdown to Midnight January 1st, 2016. This year was full of trials, tribulations, challenges, growth, and awakenings. I think we will carry these teachings into the new year.
Anyways, I just wanted to check in and let you know how things are progressing, because apparently things are progressing. So much so that I have joined the "August 2016 Birth Club" on BabyCenter. That's brave, bold, and unexpected. But I love hearing stories from pregnant women due in August, like us, who are unaffected by loss and sadness. They are excited--posting pictures of their ultrasounds and planning when to have a baby shower, and discussing what they want to eat. As much as I love my support groups, and plan to stay active with them, I do enjoy the less ominous feel I get from these new or second, third, fourth time moms who may have experienced loss, but are looking positively towards the future.
So I have decided to try to stay as positive as possible, and just be happy with whatever outcome we have. Because I have learned that "que sera, sera" and what will be, will be.
Our unoffiical due date would be August 26, 2016. I love that number, so many loops! 9-26-16.
I am currently so hungry I could eat multiple cows a day. I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop and get sick. I woke up slightly nauseous at 3 AM today, but nothing came of it. Though, my last pregnancy I was hardly ever sick. Just occasionally in the afternoon my stomach would turn. Last time I hated sweets, and I am still not into chocolate, but last night for dinner I wanted a McFlurry. Just a McFlurry. So that is different.
I have a doctor's appointment scheduled for January 13th at 10:15AM with Doctor W. this would be 7 weeks, 5 days along, which means we should get a heartbeat, image of the baby, and dating. Assuming she does an US, but after our last experience, I have a feeling she will if she can. If not, we'll schedule an ultrasound for 8 weeks (see, I think we'll just do it).
I guess, until then, we'll just keep doing what we're doing and staying positive. So far, there has been no spotting, and I do not have that wonky pain on my left side that I had the entire time with our angel baby. I actually don't hardly feel anything at all, except hungry and exhausted (i.e. going to bed at 7:30pm). And the constant peeing and thirst. But honestly, not much else. I am also taking this as a good sign.
I checked my calendar, and last time I visited the doctor in a panic on June 11, when I was 7 weeks, 2 days. I had been spotting and uncomfortable, and knew something was wrong. That was when she found the hematoma. And I had kept bleeding consistently since then. I already feel better about this. And even if there is no baby, or it's chemical, or even if I lose it this week or next, at least we know that we are capable of getting pregnant again (um, rather easily... as my husband would point out). So that is all positive, and I feel good. I feel like, for the first time in a while, that I could possibly be capable of doing this. Although 9 months seems like an excruciatingly long time for my body to behave, I have hope. I have faith. And I have love. And I am praying that we can make it through this.
Also, we put our deposit down on a puppy, so I will have a squishy, fat, puppy nugget to squeeze regardless of what happens. ;)
-Emily
Tuesday, December 22, 2015
I'm so FRIGGIN ANNOYED.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
- Vent -
Can I just start off with that?
That is how I feel today. This week. I am so beyond annoyed. What is the next best word? Hang on, I'll go look it up... exacerbated. I am exacerbated.
Work is ... not going as planned. We are extremely busy, NO ONE is in the holiday spirit, and I didn't take any time off of work, so I honestly don't know when I'll be getting my Christmas stuff done. I guess after work. We usually slow down around this time of year, but I honestly feel like it's ramping up somehow.
This morning I was awake at four, and after fighting with my greasy hair (thanks to a new shampoo I tried---it was a FAIL), not finding work clothes, and struggling to get makeup on, I left home in the dark to head to our old apartment because my husband's custom-made gift was sitting on the porch and honestly, it isn't the nicest of neighborhoods to leave packages out on the front porch unattended (in the move, some mail is still going to the old place).
I am hungry. I am soo tired. I have so much to do before Thursday, and the frustrating part is that it's stuff I WANT to do. So it's not like saying "I'm not going to do it" is really an option.
And, last night my husband convinced me we could have sex, which I've been saying no to until we know what is going on in my uterus, and instead of being strong, I said yes, and I woke up this morning to really tight cramping. Almost exactly like how I felt the day before I miscarried.
I know that sex won't CAUSE a subchorionic hematoma, or even a miscarriage, but since everytime we had sex last time I would bleed, now I am just basically terrified of it. So I am also very mad that I gave in and possibly harmed the fetus. And I'm VERY VERY VERY flustered.
The hormones on top of anxiety on top of Christmas on top of an apathetic husband (he probably ISN'T apathetic, but I feellike he is) I am just.... AOInoeifnfmwsoijojoiSSOIJGOEGMWOEIGMSDGIOm. AHH.
Done. I am done. I want to go home and sleep and not think about anything. I don't want to be at work. I wish I had taken time off around the holidays. I know I'm using my vacation for Ireland, but I'm so crampy, tired, in pain, and EXASPERATED that I just feel like the Grinch and I am hateful of all things.
*hooray hormones*
- End Vent. -
-Emily
- Vent -
Can I just start off with that?
That is how I feel today. This week. I am so beyond annoyed. What is the next best word? Hang on, I'll go look it up... exacerbated. I am exacerbated.
Work is ... not going as planned. We are extremely busy, NO ONE is in the holiday spirit, and I didn't take any time off of work, so I honestly don't know when I'll be getting my Christmas stuff done. I guess after work. We usually slow down around this time of year, but I honestly feel like it's ramping up somehow.
This morning I was awake at four, and after fighting with my greasy hair (thanks to a new shampoo I tried---it was a FAIL), not finding work clothes, and struggling to get makeup on, I left home in the dark to head to our old apartment because my husband's custom-made gift was sitting on the porch and honestly, it isn't the nicest of neighborhoods to leave packages out on the front porch unattended (in the move, some mail is still going to the old place).
I am hungry. I am soo tired. I have so much to do before Thursday, and the frustrating part is that it's stuff I WANT to do. So it's not like saying "I'm not going to do it" is really an option.
And, last night my husband convinced me we could have sex, which I've been saying no to until we know what is going on in my uterus, and instead of being strong, I said yes, and I woke up this morning to really tight cramping. Almost exactly like how I felt the day before I miscarried.
I know that sex won't CAUSE a subchorionic hematoma, or even a miscarriage, but since everytime we had sex last time I would bleed, now I am just basically terrified of it. So I am also very mad that I gave in and possibly harmed the fetus. And I'm VERY VERY VERY flustered.
The hormones on top of anxiety on top of Christmas on top of an apathetic husband (he probably ISN'T apathetic, but I feellike he is) I am just.... AOInoeifnfmwsoijojoiSSOIJGOEGMWOEIGMSDGIOm. AHH.
Done. I am done. I want to go home and sleep and not think about anything. I don't want to be at work. I wish I had taken time off around the holidays. I know I'm using my vacation for Ireland, but I'm so crampy, tired, in pain, and EXASPERATED that I just feel like the Grinch and I am hateful of all things.
*hooray hormones*
- End Vent. -
-Emily
Monday, December 21, 2015
Deck the halls with bows of holly, falalalala....
Christmas week is here, and there is pep in my step!
We are officially in our new house, and yes, there are a TON of things to do, and yes, I might have overdone it this weekend, but I don't even care because every little project makes a huge difference. I insulated all of the windows in the nursery (which is essentially a sun room). I insulated one window over the couch, and I an already feel a huge difference. I also cleaned the cabinets and put on new knobs (my husband thought that was a silly project, but it makes me happy and I feel ownership, and love putting my own taste into the place). We also realized that all of the fixtures (lighting, shower, sink, faucets) are in brushed nickel -- which makes sense with the coloring of the house, which is white and cream and black. But the door handles are ALL gold. So we're going to try to paint/stain them a new color instead of buying all new door handles. Since they are expensive. But that is a later project.
We have internet now (hooray!) the bug people are coming Wednesday, and the duct cleaners will be there today. And then the plumber and then after that I think we can manage the rest of the winter on our own.
I will say though, it's CRAZY expensive. I feel like we're dropping $100 dollar payments like it ain't no thang.
Anyways, on to the more relevant topic-this pregnancy!
The lines are now SUPER dark, and a CLEAR positive! Friday night after we moved (when I really did overdo it) I had some achey pain in my uterus and had a little spotting. Since then, no spotting, though I am still wearing a pad just in case (remnants of the last pregnancy fear). The weirdest thing about this pregnancy is that I don't really FEEL anything. Last time I felt pain, and it felt uncomfortable. But I just feel normal, except for sore nipples and after about two hours I get extremely tired and have to sit down. Oh, and I am constantly hungry, but that could just be because I love food.
So it's strange to have no 'pregnancy' feelings aside from knowing it's happening. I think that is a very very good sign. I am praying it is. I will be taking my little tooshie to church on Sundays with my friend and going to the Lord's house to send up every prayer I can think of to get us through these next nine months.
To be perfectly honest, I don't think it's real yet. I still feel like it is not happening. Like it's chemical, or a blighted ovum. And I Guess it could be, but that is probably, again, leftover anxiety from last time. So I will be scheduling a trip to the OB before our trip to Ireland.
Also, I keep hearing about a particular local doctor. He is a specialist, and I've now had 4 separate people recommend him to me completely randomly. So I think we need to listen to those signs and go see him. I feel absolutely terrible leaving my current OB, but like one of my friend's said, it's not about hurting feelings, it's about ensuring the best future for your baby. So today I'm going to schedule an appointment with this doctor and we'll just take it a day at a time and go from there.
Life certainly is a crazy place. How quickly it changes. How much hope, fear, love, and confusion can intertwine to create your day, month, or year. I am not going to lie, with the struggles we faced in the past year,I am a stronger person. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, but I have learned so much about myself and life and I am grateful that I am learning, and a stronger person for it.
All the love to you, dear reader.
-Emily
p.s. tonight I will post the test strips progession
We are officially in our new house, and yes, there are a TON of things to do, and yes, I might have overdone it this weekend, but I don't even care because every little project makes a huge difference. I insulated all of the windows in the nursery (which is essentially a sun room). I insulated one window over the couch, and I an already feel a huge difference. I also cleaned the cabinets and put on new knobs (my husband thought that was a silly project, but it makes me happy and I feel ownership, and love putting my own taste into the place). We also realized that all of the fixtures (lighting, shower, sink, faucets) are in brushed nickel -- which makes sense with the coloring of the house, which is white and cream and black. But the door handles are ALL gold. So we're going to try to paint/stain them a new color instead of buying all new door handles. Since they are expensive. But that is a later project.
We have internet now (hooray!) the bug people are coming Wednesday, and the duct cleaners will be there today. And then the plumber and then after that I think we can manage the rest of the winter on our own.
I will say though, it's CRAZY expensive. I feel like we're dropping $100 dollar payments like it ain't no thang.
Anyways, on to the more relevant topic-this pregnancy!
The lines are now SUPER dark, and a CLEAR positive! Friday night after we moved (when I really did overdo it) I had some achey pain in my uterus and had a little spotting. Since then, no spotting, though I am still wearing a pad just in case (remnants of the last pregnancy fear). The weirdest thing about this pregnancy is that I don't really FEEL anything. Last time I felt pain, and it felt uncomfortable. But I just feel normal, except for sore nipples and after about two hours I get extremely tired and have to sit down. Oh, and I am constantly hungry, but that could just be because I love food.
So it's strange to have no 'pregnancy' feelings aside from knowing it's happening. I think that is a very very good sign. I am praying it is. I will be taking my little tooshie to church on Sundays with my friend and going to the Lord's house to send up every prayer I can think of to get us through these next nine months.
To be perfectly honest, I don't think it's real yet. I still feel like it is not happening. Like it's chemical, or a blighted ovum. And I Guess it could be, but that is probably, again, leftover anxiety from last time. So I will be scheduling a trip to the OB before our trip to Ireland.
Also, I keep hearing about a particular local doctor. He is a specialist, and I've now had 4 separate people recommend him to me completely randomly. So I think we need to listen to those signs and go see him. I feel absolutely terrible leaving my current OB, but like one of my friend's said, it's not about hurting feelings, it's about ensuring the best future for your baby. So today I'm going to schedule an appointment with this doctor and we'll just take it a day at a time and go from there.
Life certainly is a crazy place. How quickly it changes. How much hope, fear, love, and confusion can intertwine to create your day, month, or year. I am not going to lie, with the struggles we faced in the past year,I am a stronger person. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, but I have learned so much about myself and life and I am grateful that I am learning, and a stronger person for it.
All the love to you, dear reader.
-Emily
p.s. tonight I will post the test strips progession
Thursday, December 17, 2015
Not getting darker, but not bleeding
So today is supposed to be the latest day possible my period would start. After today, I would officially be "late". Strangely, the tests are not getting any darker, but I did switch to a different brand.
Regardless, the lines aren't darkening, but I haven't started bleeding.
So we will see how the rest of the week goes. I will keep you updated
Today I ordered a peppermint white mocha frappucino as a my "Friday treat" (tomorrow I am off work). But halfway through I realized it's probably time to cut back on caffeine... and probably do the recommended paleo/less carb eating that I read would help women with food allergies while pregnant.
Send every prayer you can that this baby is sticky, that it has burrowed itself in and there is no hematoma growing, and that we have a VERY boring nine months ahead of us.
I'm also going to share a text I got from my husband, because it so sums up how we feel after our last loss:
I was looking at our stuff. and some of it I love. Like, I'd hate losing my Magic cards, or our Corelle plates or our cuddle pillows.
But fuck. All I want is our new house, and you, and the baby turning you into a house. I'd happily sleep on the floor in a nest we own forever.
We have all the love. I've never felt so much love before in my life. And while it was hard getting to this point, and this much love seems to be born out of so much grief and loss, I feel it. I feel that the more positive we are, the better life is.
Life is good. Not always happy. But good.
-Emily
Wednesday, December 16, 2015
I'm seeing double
So this happened:
I.N.S.A.N.E.
I cannot believe it. The odds were so slim--my husband is NEVER going to let me live it down! LOL This also explains all the emotions I've been feeling.
So we are one day out from my period, which means we are still EXTREMELY early to be having any kind of feelings about this. Especially since the test this morning was slightly lighter than yesterday, and my temp dropped a 1/10th of a degree.
That being said, if we make it through to the weekend with no bleeding, I guess it is time to start believing this might be happening. Whoa. I am literally blown away....
Going to keep doing tests and see how the lines are darkening. Today I added back in:
Cinnamon, Vitamin K, Vitamin E, and Vinegar (with "The Mother"). Also still taking Vitex. Starting back on my progesterone (after a three day lapse... i hope that didn't hurt things too much :( ) and still on the Prenatals with Folate....
I'm still in shock, and I still don't believe it's true... but my bladder believes it's true because I have been up to pee at 3 AM every night this week. And my lady nips are SORE. So... yea.
What the what.
-Emily
 |
| The not-so-faint but still pretty faint positive |
I.N.S.A.N.E.
I cannot believe it. The odds were so slim--my husband is NEVER going to let me live it down! LOL This also explains all the emotions I've been feeling.
So we are one day out from my period, which means we are still EXTREMELY early to be having any kind of feelings about this. Especially since the test this morning was slightly lighter than yesterday, and my temp dropped a 1/10th of a degree.
That being said, if we make it through to the weekend with no bleeding, I guess it is time to start believing this might be happening. Whoa. I am literally blown away....
Going to keep doing tests and see how the lines are darkening. Today I added back in:
Cinnamon, Vitamin K, Vitamin E, and Vinegar (with "The Mother"). Also still taking Vitex. Starting back on my progesterone (after a three day lapse... i hope that didn't hurt things too much :( ) and still on the Prenatals with Folate....
I'm still in shock, and I still don't believe it's true... but my bladder believes it's true because I have been up to pee at 3 AM every night this week. And my lady nips are SORE. So... yea.
What the what.
-Emily
Monday, December 14, 2015
Holiday Blues :(
Friday was an interesting day. Friday was a day that I think I might have hit rock bottom in my life - physically, emotionally, financially.
With the buying of the house, we are reassessing our finances, and I am seeing just how much money I have spent over the past three months trying to fill the void in my womb with... "stuff". Skirts, clothes, trips, chairs, furniture, food, anything that isn't baby-focused, I am buying it. We are so in debt right now. It adds up so quickly--doctor bills, medical bills, house assessments, inspections... it all went on the credit card as we saved money to pay for the house.
So, we are in debt, it's Christmas, our monthly payments are about to double, and we planned this trip to Ireland on a lark, that now we are mostly just dreading because we have to pay for it. I feel sick to my stomach.
Speaking of stomachs, I am eating like a cow. I mean, just filling my stomach until it is tight and then stretches out again.I'm always hungry, and I've now peaked at 300 lbs .... I am back down to 296, but "down to 296" doesn't really seem like a positive set of words to me.
The Chris Powell plan I was doing worked really well, but then my 'accountability partner' never started, so I was on my own, and of course the machine took back over. I am hoping to start it again once I am positive we are not pregnant again. (torque and jumping around with a potential pregnancy seems dangerous since hematomas are so questionable, i am just trying to stay calm and low-key).
Anyways, Friday I realized I should be 8 months pregnant. I should be huge, with a big belly, and everyone taking bets on what day I am due. But instead I made a massive mistake at work that cost us a lot of money, my husband and I are constantly on edge with each other, and I feel so utterly worthless as a woman as I am reliving the events of July 31st with vivid clarity.
Nothing I do seems successful. I am seeing myself as a total failure. Apparently a side effect of progesterone is "worry" and "depression" and I can say that I have definitely felt those emotions amp up. But it could also be the holiday season. Everyone I know (I know that is hyperbole, but since I am 27 and most of my friends are just now married/newlyweds, it's not far off) is pregnant or posting their one-month-old baby pictures. So Friday night I was an utter mess. The sobbing--it was the raking, choking, whole body shaking sobbing--from July. I felt utter despair. I was lost. I am lost. I am spinning my wheels. My brain is officially burning more calories worrying and thinking about things than my body is working out. The calm I found over the past few months of controlling my food and exercising daily is gone and replaced with what I can only describe as the "worst version of Emily" I have ever seen.
I have also been taking pregnancy tests like a crazy maniac. They are, of course, all negative. Not only was it too soon, but we also missed the most fertile window, and the odds are so slim. That being said, my BBT (which should be dropping dramatically as we head into AF time) is rising steadily, and it is as high as it was when I was pregnant. So I am confused, and hopeful, and scared, and concerned that I'm not doing the right thing. Then add on house stress, and the weight gain.
I don't know. I am just so unhappy with how weak I feel. My husband did not marry this woman. I was not obsessed with babies, and I certainly didn't weigh 300 lbs when we met. And I don't think I'd like myself if I met me. But it seems so hard to change. So hard to get my mind back on track. How do I get it to stop careening down a path to self destruction?
I guess all we can do is try harder, and stop worrying about a. what other people think and b. about failing. That is all I can do. I want to pull myself out of this hole, but it is quite dark and quiet and cozy down here. So I might just leave myself here until Christmas has passed.
-Emily
P.S. I cried at a Target commercial. A TARGET COMMERCIAL.
P.P.S. I cried at the Thanksgiving episode of The Goldbergs. My hormones are a wreck.
With the buying of the house, we are reassessing our finances, and I am seeing just how much money I have spent over the past three months trying to fill the void in my womb with... "stuff". Skirts, clothes, trips, chairs, furniture, food, anything that isn't baby-focused, I am buying it. We are so in debt right now. It adds up so quickly--doctor bills, medical bills, house assessments, inspections... it all went on the credit card as we saved money to pay for the house.
So, we are in debt, it's Christmas, our monthly payments are about to double, and we planned this trip to Ireland on a lark, that now we are mostly just dreading because we have to pay for it. I feel sick to my stomach.
Speaking of stomachs, I am eating like a cow. I mean, just filling my stomach until it is tight and then stretches out again.I'm always hungry, and I've now peaked at 300 lbs .... I am back down to 296, but "down to 296" doesn't really seem like a positive set of words to me.
The Chris Powell plan I was doing worked really well, but then my 'accountability partner' never started, so I was on my own, and of course the machine took back over. I am hoping to start it again once I am positive we are not pregnant again. (torque and jumping around with a potential pregnancy seems dangerous since hematomas are so questionable, i am just trying to stay calm and low-key).
Anyways, Friday I realized I should be 8 months pregnant. I should be huge, with a big belly, and everyone taking bets on what day I am due. But instead I made a massive mistake at work that cost us a lot of money, my husband and I are constantly on edge with each other, and I feel so utterly worthless as a woman as I am reliving the events of July 31st with vivid clarity.
Nothing I do seems successful. I am seeing myself as a total failure. Apparently a side effect of progesterone is "worry" and "depression" and I can say that I have definitely felt those emotions amp up. But it could also be the holiday season. Everyone I know (I know that is hyperbole, but since I am 27 and most of my friends are just now married/newlyweds, it's not far off) is pregnant or posting their one-month-old baby pictures. So Friday night I was an utter mess. The sobbing--it was the raking, choking, whole body shaking sobbing--from July. I felt utter despair. I was lost. I am lost. I am spinning my wheels. My brain is officially burning more calories worrying and thinking about things than my body is working out. The calm I found over the past few months of controlling my food and exercising daily is gone and replaced with what I can only describe as the "worst version of Emily" I have ever seen.
I have also been taking pregnancy tests like a crazy maniac. They are, of course, all negative. Not only was it too soon, but we also missed the most fertile window, and the odds are so slim. That being said, my BBT (which should be dropping dramatically as we head into AF time) is rising steadily, and it is as high as it was when I was pregnant. So I am confused, and hopeful, and scared, and concerned that I'm not doing the right thing. Then add on house stress, and the weight gain.
I don't know. I am just so unhappy with how weak I feel. My husband did not marry this woman. I was not obsessed with babies, and I certainly didn't weigh 300 lbs when we met. And I don't think I'd like myself if I met me. But it seems so hard to change. So hard to get my mind back on track. How do I get it to stop careening down a path to self destruction?
I guess all we can do is try harder, and stop worrying about a. what other people think and b. about failing. That is all I can do. I want to pull myself out of this hole, but it is quite dark and quiet and cozy down here. So I might just leave myself here until Christmas has passed.
-Emily
P.S. I cried at a Target commercial. A TARGET COMMERCIAL.
P.P.S. I cried at the Thanksgiving episode of The Goldbergs. My hormones are a wreck.
Wednesday, December 9, 2015
Seeing Things
So, I am not sure if I ovulated on Tuesday or Thursday, but depending, I am either 8 or 6 DPO (Days Post Ovulation)
I took a FRER (First Response Early Response) just... because I am a nutcase and I find it fun. The test was negative, OBVIOUSLY, but then I started playing around with the color settings (which is what we nutters do when we test too early) and I swear I see a line.
I understand this could be a. my imagination b. the camera picking up on the antibody dye that is used there c. evaporation lines - the lines that turn pink when testing then fade.
Anyways, regardless of the outcome, I think it's super fun, and the waiting is a big game, and I love this part. So here ya go, make your own decisions! ... :)
I took a FRER (First Response Early Response) just... because I am a nutcase and I find it fun. The test was negative, OBVIOUSLY, but then I started playing around with the color settings (which is what we nutters do when we test too early) and I swear I see a line.
I understand this could be a. my imagination b. the camera picking up on the antibody dye that is used there c. evaporation lines - the lines that turn pink when testing then fade.
Anyways, regardless of the outcome, I think it's super fun, and the waiting is a big game, and I love this part. So here ya go, make your own decisions! ... :)
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| No tweaking done to this test, it is just what I see (a big fat NOTHING) |
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| Tweaked with a different contrast/lighting.... is there a line there.... is it a ghost line.... is it signs of what is to come? I guess we'll find out in a week's time. :)
-Emily
|
Monday, December 7, 2015
TWW (Two Week Wait)
Well, we may or may not have continued down that path of "not trying, not no trying" and now we are in the two week wait. Since I still think we missed the very small window of possibility, I am not getting my hopes up (and actually, starting to realize how hard it'd be to pack up and move if I'm pregnant!... which is why we'd pay someone to do it if that's the case.) But regardless, since we have a fraction of a chance of it happening, I am still going through the process of taking extra precautions. We are in full-out supplement mode.
With all that in mind, I called the specialist on Friday, and was told by the nurse that they would not prescribe progesterone for me unless I have a confirmed pregnancy. (8-12 week appt.)
What?
That contradicts literally everything I've read about progesterone, fertility -- everything.
Why would I take a uterine-supporting system to help an implantation take place once implantation has already taken place? And you're not even supposed to take it after 12 weeks of pregnancy. I think the nurse was just making stuff up OR I am way off the mark and totally wrong. But according to the multiple communities I am a part of, you are supposed to take progesterone the day after you ovulate until you find out if there is a pregnancy.
I was, of course, confused and frustrated, so Friday night I went home and counted out the progesterone I have left from my pregnancy. There are exactly 6 weeks worth of pills. Which means after this month, we will have 4 weeks. Since we won't even mess around with trying in December, we will have enough progesterone for January and February. After that, I will have to get a confirmation of pregnancy and a new prescription.
I just don't understand how my caretakers are telling me such different things from what the rest of the community on the boards are hearing from their doctors. I honestly feel like they are laughing at me for being upset. Like they don't truly understand the loss we experienced. I know they deal with it daily, and we were not as far along as many other people who need specialist care, but I also don't think what happened is something to scoff at.
Luckily, a coworker of mine told me about a doctor at another nearby hospital known for their NICU and birthing specialists, and we will be talking to him. I don't know, all I can do is try, and that's my mentality right now. Just do what you can to try to make things better.
-Emily
With all that in mind, I called the specialist on Friday, and was told by the nurse that they would not prescribe progesterone for me unless I have a confirmed pregnancy. (8-12 week appt.)
What?
That contradicts literally everything I've read about progesterone, fertility -- everything.
Why would I take a uterine-supporting system to help an implantation take place once implantation has already taken place? And you're not even supposed to take it after 12 weeks of pregnancy. I think the nurse was just making stuff up OR I am way off the mark and totally wrong. But according to the multiple communities I am a part of, you are supposed to take progesterone the day after you ovulate until you find out if there is a pregnancy.
I was, of course, confused and frustrated, so Friday night I went home and counted out the progesterone I have left from my pregnancy. There are exactly 6 weeks worth of pills. Which means after this month, we will have 4 weeks. Since we won't even mess around with trying in December, we will have enough progesterone for January and February. After that, I will have to get a confirmation of pregnancy and a new prescription.
I just don't understand how my caretakers are telling me such different things from what the rest of the community on the boards are hearing from their doctors. I honestly feel like they are laughing at me for being upset. Like they don't truly understand the loss we experienced. I know they deal with it daily, and we were not as far along as many other people who need specialist care, but I also don't think what happened is something to scoff at.
Luckily, a coworker of mine told me about a doctor at another nearby hospital known for their NICU and birthing specialists, and we will be talking to him. I don't know, all I can do is try, and that's my mentality right now. Just do what you can to try to make things better.
-Emily
Wednesday, December 2, 2015
12 Things I Needed to Hear From the Doctor After My Miscarriage
http://healthcurecorner.com/12-things-i-needed-to-hear-from-the-doctor-after-my-miscarriage/
Couldn't have said this better myself. (((Hugs))) to every woman (and man) going through this.
-Emily
Couldn't have said this better myself. (((Hugs))) to every woman (and man) going through this.
-Emily
Fear vs. Desire
Yesterday morning I had a really strange thought, "What if I'm pregnant?"
I know that we discussed the likelihood of this being very, very, veryveryvery slim, but the reaction I had to the thought is what is notable.
It was a split second of pure, unadulterated joy. Excitement. A future. And then immediately followed by all out fear. I am scared of this happening again, and I don't think that's something time will ever change. I am terrified of finding another black hole on an ultrasound, of making it 14 weeks and planning a future for a child. I am terrified of the pain I experienced when I delivered him.
I think maybe that's something every new mother faces throughout her pregnancy, some equilibrium of fear and joy. But now that I am jaded to the entire process, my fear outweighs the joy, and I am trying so hard to enjoy the process, and let go, and realize this is going to be a new experience. But I am also a human who is capable of holding two thoughts in her head at once, and one of those thoughts is terror. A tiny voice in my head keeps saying, "I'll never carry a baby to term alive" and "Round two will be exactly the same as the first try." I know we are better prepared, but I can't help feeling these things.
I've been reading a book my mom not-so-subtly left with a stack of mail she brought over called "Still to be Born". And it's helping me get through some of these feelings. Of understanding that our next child is its own person, and how to try to let some of the fear pass without letting our bodies act on it. Nature is cruel and unforgiving, and that is evidenced by the fact that my mind is absolutely positive we need to wait until we get back from "Whiskey Country", but my womb feels empty and demands to have her way. That must be the biological clock ticking away.
Anyways, this is a rambling post with really not point except to show what I am feeling on the dawn of ttc, and how much fear, anxiety, worry, happiness, excitement, joy and love there is in my head and heart all at once. And how the Desire almost always beats out the Fear when it comes to this kind of stuff. And how we, as women and men, grow, and get stronger as we face these trials.
Time is short, so love now.
-Emily
I know that we discussed the likelihood of this being very, very, veryveryvery slim, but the reaction I had to the thought is what is notable.
It was a split second of pure, unadulterated joy. Excitement. A future. And then immediately followed by all out fear. I am scared of this happening again, and I don't think that's something time will ever change. I am terrified of finding another black hole on an ultrasound, of making it 14 weeks and planning a future for a child. I am terrified of the pain I experienced when I delivered him.
I think maybe that's something every new mother faces throughout her pregnancy, some equilibrium of fear and joy. But now that I am jaded to the entire process, my fear outweighs the joy, and I am trying so hard to enjoy the process, and let go, and realize this is going to be a new experience. But I am also a human who is capable of holding two thoughts in her head at once, and one of those thoughts is terror. A tiny voice in my head keeps saying, "I'll never carry a baby to term alive" and "Round two will be exactly the same as the first try." I know we are better prepared, but I can't help feeling these things.
I've been reading a book my mom not-so-subtly left with a stack of mail she brought over called "Still to be Born". And it's helping me get through some of these feelings. Of understanding that our next child is its own person, and how to try to let some of the fear pass without letting our bodies act on it. Nature is cruel and unforgiving, and that is evidenced by the fact that my mind is absolutely positive we need to wait until we get back from "Whiskey Country", but my womb feels empty and demands to have her way. That must be the biological clock ticking away.
Anyways, this is a rambling post with really not point except to show what I am feeling on the dawn of ttc, and how much fear, anxiety, worry, happiness, excitement, joy and love there is in my head and heart all at once. And how the Desire almost always beats out the Fear when it comes to this kind of stuff. And how we, as women and men, grow, and get stronger as we face these trials.
Time is short, so love now.
-Emily
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