Come Fund Us!

Quick access to our go fund me campaign - Angel Baby Rocks in Ireland 

gofund.me/angelrocksireland

if you would like your loved one's name painted on a rock and pictured in a serene, beautiful place in Ireland, check out my gofundme. :) 

Hoping it helps offset the cost, and a way to give back to those who donate.

-Emily

An Emerald Isle

Good morning, it is bright, early, and beautiful here in Missouri. The weekend we were blessed with had high temperatures in the 70s. I was able to enjoy time with my husband and my mother. She just got back from a two week trip to Washington, so it was nice to catch up.

My biggest project over the coming weeks will be to "purge" myself of unnecessary belongings. Partly because the 'new' Emily is very different, and I like having fewer 'things', and what  Ido have I want to be high quality. The other reason for this cleaning is my landlord told me yesterday that she is selling the house we live in. So we could, theoretically, be looking for a new home. With my husband in school full time, and paying all of our medical bills we don't have the money for a down payment on a home in the area we want to be. So we will continue to rent. But moving is a motivator to pare down on the excess stuff we have accumulated.

So, on to the baby stuff, which is why I'm really here. :)

My levels hit 1.9! HOORAY!! I am officially back to normal. We all knew this when I started my period! But, it is nice that the blood backs it up. I am instructed to contact my OB in a year for my annual check up, or if we start trying and have no luck in six months. She did not want to do any testing, which, to me, feels like a 'go ahead' to see the specialist. October 4th is the appointment with our high risk OB, and I will have much more news for you then.

Until then, I am working out with my new coach and new friend I met through a networking group on facebook. I am down another pound, huzzah! My temperatures never spiked, so I still do not know if I ovulated this month, but we will know in about 3 weeks when I track again. I was taking OPKs (Ovulation Predictor Kits) and had a positive, but only one, so it could have been a fluke?

Alright, here is the coolest thing, I think. We decided (perhaps while drinking... definitely while drinking...) to go to Ireland.

Now, I know I've been talking about cash and bills, and trust me, money is tight. But we just came into some money that deserved a good use. I have friends all over Britain who have offered to let us stay with them for free, and I work for a car rental company, so car hire will be half price. We will pack our own breakfasts and lunches, and try to eat inexpensive (to Tesco!). My husband is writing a six book fantasy novel series, and in book three the characters travel to Ireland. He has never been (and I've only ever been to Dublin) so he will be able to write part of that book while there. We are going to start in Dublin, go visit friends in Limerick, hopefully get up north, and then spend time in London. 

While we are there, I have decided to do Angel Rocks. I will write down names of Angel Babies (or any lost loved one) and take a picture of their rock in a beautiful Irish location. Then send the photos to the family. I've seen this done other places, and it is a very nice way to remember people and also a cool way to experience the world and spread the love. I even started a gofundme. For $15 if someone wants an angel rock, they can have one done in Ireland. For $5 dollars I will compile a list of names and do a larger rock. I think this will be a fun project, and help to offset the cost of our trip. 

gofund.me/angelrocksireland

Oh btw, did I  mention we will be ttc in Ireland? I mean, it's hopeful thinking... we will plan it around our charting, and of course it's a once in a lifetime chance... But we're going to try for it!!! 

Okay, so this is a very happy post, full of potential, possibility, and change. Let's embrace the change. :) 

-Emily

Things are weird, but life is moving along

So, I haven't written here since last week. It was Labor Day weekend, and honestly, I have been trying as hard as possible not to think about things. One thing people with anxiety do very well is ruminate. And that is one of my key stressers. 

As a follow up, last week my hCG levels were at 5.5. I started my period the day after I had the blood test done, (hooray!) and am now back to charting my Basal Body Temperature every morning. That was what I did last time we got pregnant (that was all I did) and it seemed pretty accurate. I am most interested in finding out if I am going to ovulate this time, or if I will have a non ovulated period. Does that happen? It sounded like it could on some of my boards. 

The wonderful nurse from the hospital called me last week, and we found out that the baby was buried, where he was buried, and how to find him. I want to go to the cemetery, but I also am a little scared to. That might not be a normal emotion. I just feel like I am starting to feel more normal, and going out there might bring a cascade of sadness/grief/self loathing back. I will definitely go visit him and his baby buddies ( they bury several babies in a small coffin together), but I just don't know when I will be ready. I am also going to wait to hear from my husband when he is ready, so we can go together. 

The burial did not bring as much closure as I thought it would, Probably because we were not invited and had very little to do with the planning. But I do feel a sense of calm and peace that he had a Catholic burial in a holy cemetery and is not alone. That he is wrapped in linen and at peace in Heaven. He is definitely the coolest baby in his group of babies, and the most loved for sure. (I might be biased ;) ). 

Now we march forward into cycle #2 post miscarriage. According to my charting, if we wait two cycles we could start trying again end of October. I do not think either of us are ready, and we still have so many medical bills and testing to do. I think we will realistically not be ready until November. Which means we get to try again November 11th. We also might be moving to a new place ( a house... with a yard, and a garage, within walking distance of my work ), and if that works out we will want to plan around moving so my husband doesn't have to do everything by himself. 

I am also currently weighing in at 297 lbs, so I need to get down somewhere where I feel at least more comfortable before trying again. We are easily 3 months out. I know that the majority of me is ready, but like I said, there is always fear associated with this after what we've been through. And we can't try again until  we are emotionally ready to face another hematoma. 

Our doctor appointment with the specialist is October 5th. I will definitely keep this blog updated with how that goes, and what tests I request from them. I will also get their feedback. Once my hCG is at 2, I think my original OB will talk to me about options. I hope so. I would like to stay with her, but I am not going to just "try again" without making some adjustments to what happens with my blood and uterus. I really hope she suggests testing too. Either way, I need to know what is happening.  If this happens again and we did nothing to prevent it I will feel incredibly stupid. If it happens again and we tried everything at least I can say "we tried everything". 

One exciting thing happened this week. I met a new friend who is around my weight/height/place in life and is trying to lose weight and get in shape. We agreed to hold each other acocuntable and meet up for the Flying Pig in May 2016. She lives outside of chicago, I live outside of Saint Louis. This so far has been a great motivator, and I'm really happy I found her. Life throws you funny curveballs and sets you on paths. This new path is very strange. 

I am finding new things out about myself. Things  Istruggle with and things  I excel at. I'm a little concerned about my job. I am seeing my work quality unbiased, and it's not great. I do worry my time will be short here. But I have found so many things I care about. Things I could do if this didn't work out for me. And I could be happy. I know  I could. 

Alright, my stomach is killing me, so I think I need to stop typing and go lay down. Not much longer until I get to go home and go to bed. 

-Emily

She has arrived! (Aunt Flow)

It's here, it's really here! And she blasted in with bells on! 


I never thought this day would come. I truly believed my infertility was forever after. (cause THAT's some serious anxiety, yikes). But my period has arrived in full force. We are now officially into our first post miscarriage cycle. 

My OB recommended two cycles to wait, but we will wait until we are ready. 

That being said, I am beyond relieved that we have started the next step towards the future. 

Next Thursday I have an appointment with a grief counselor/normal counselor, because my marriage is on the rocks right now. And anyways. Yay

Short Post.
-Emily

Period.

Have you ever HOPED for your period to start? I can count on my hand the number of times I was relieved when Aunt Flow arrived. Usually it was a hope that she'd arrive early enough that I wouldn't have to mess with her on a vacation. 

Now that we are mid fertility issues, I pray for blood every time I use the restroom. Which, is the exact opposite of what I prayed for when I was pregnant. But I've now gone all of August with no period, and until it returns we can't even begin to talk about the future or TTC. 

I know I mentioned this before, but a coworker told me she had a miscarriage at nine weeks, never went to the hospital, had horrible cramps the following month, and became infertile. I am so scared of that happening. And with no period, I feel very broken in the sense that my lady parts are not functioning. 

That all being said... yesterday afternoon I had my first spotting. For me, periods rarely start with spotting, it just kind of... starts. But this will be a whole new experience, and I think spotting is actually a good sign! I was SO excited when I saw that! I laughed at the situation, because everything is so relative. But since yesterday, no more spotting. 

Yesterday was also my two-week blood draw. We are still monitoring levels, and I'm hoping we're at 2. If we are , and I'm spotting, then I think this is all good news. The only thing I DON'T want is to find out I'm pregnant again. Because with the uterus having leftover gunk, not being on progesterone, and not having blood checked, this could happen all over again. Although I don't think there is any chance of that happening (pregnancy)...

So, fingers crossed bleeding, low levels, and September is the beginning of a new life for my body. 

I also ended up signing up with the personal coach Erica. She messaged me my "plan" today, so I get started for this month with the rest of her girls. I can't wait! Things are looking up, I've started NutriSystem, and so far so good. Weigh in is on Friday with my friend Kat, and we will keep eachother accountable as we go forward. 

So, while it's strange to hope for bleeding, I think it's going to be good.

Also--we just started getting hospital bills. I think they should give you a discount if you don't get to take home a baby. How unfair is that? Sigh. It will also push back our trying, because we need to get financials under control. Sigh. I bet we won't get to TTC until December. Which is still within our ORIGINAL plan, but I am so ready to be pregnant  again. And start our family. Even though my husband is just now processing emotions... so maybe December is a more realistic goal than November. 

-Emily 

"should"

Go through a crisis ... of any sort ... and I think you will discover something that humans tend to do after their friends/family go through a crisis.

They tell you what you should do.

"Should" 

Emily, you should...
...get out with friends.
...go outside and get some fresh air.
...come visit me.
...read this book.
...get over it, there will be more babies. 
...spend some time with your family.
...come over for a game night.
...find something to fill the time, like a new hobby.
...go ride a horse, it will make you feel better.
...treat yourself well while you're healing. 

Look, I know you are trying to support me. And you truly do believe what you're telling me will help. I understand that it is a human nature to want to help and coddle and get sad people to stop being sad. (It's very uncomfortable to be around sad people.) 

But you are wrong. All of you. I love you, and yes, THANK YOU for being there for me, but here is some advice to you all: 

If you have, or have not, gone through what I just went through, you will never be able to completely understand how I am feeling. There are no two people or circumstances that are exactly alike. And what worked for you may not work for me, and you thinking that you know what will heal me is not your place to tell me about. I will do exactly what I think I should be doing. 

If you want to be there for me, to talk, to visit, to get dinner, to text silly pictures, or talk about fall fashion, then be there for that. You can even gently nudge me to try to get out if you are seeing me decline. But you  have no weight in your opinion when you tell me what I should or should not do. 

I was guilty of this, too. Now I know. The only thing people experiencing a life change want to hear is "I love you, I'm so sorry you are experiencing this, I will be there for you if you need anything." That's it. It's that simple. Just repeat those words and whoever is suffering will be so grateful... But then again, what do I know? I don't know what every grieving person is feeling. So do whatever you want. But when it comes to me, please please please stop telling me what I should be doing. 

(I am not mad at you, btw, I am just triggered by that word right now.) 

I also heard a really interesting motivational speech from a beautiful woman I follow for my weight loss journey. She lost over 100lbs and goes by the name Erica Fit Love. She said that sometimes you outgrow situations and people. And once you realize that your life needs to grow without those people, then you should not feel guilt as you move away from them/the situation. And she also mentioned you need to be able to let go of people who outgrow you. 

This experience has helped me grow, but growing pains are sometimes uncomfortable, and I have outgrown some situations. I am understanding better how those people/relationships make me feel, and I can now say NO to them. It's still hard, and sometimes I want to crawl back into my safety "love everyone, and everyone will love you -- false -- shell". But that is bad thinking, and I am growing. So, what I should  be doing is what I'm doing already. Working out, loving my husband, talking to people who make me feel better/normal and slowly dipping my toe back into the real world of socializing. 

-Emily 

Feeling strange, hot, and wanting my period to start

If anyone who is reading this has ever experienced PMS, then I would like to tell you that I have been experienced AMPED-UP PMS symptoms for the past two weeks. 

Hot. Cold. 
Pain.
Cramps.
Anger. (So much anger).
Uncertainty.
Emotional rollercoasters. 
That feeling like you're about to start bleeding.
Eating everything around me (then feeling sick) 
Craving suits.
Absent-minded. 
Frustrated. 

Oh my gosh, it is nuts. And every time I go to the bathroom I hope to see blood (quite the opposite of the past few months!) because I don't know about you, but when I start bleeding the crazy hormones abate. I just want the sweet release of not wanting to bite everything around me. Yes, bite. 

Next Wednesday, I go back to the lab for a blood draw. Although the tests are showing completely negative, so I truly believe this is my hormones leveling back out. I also am not showing any ovulation on the home tests, so I will be starting to track my morning temperature. It's the most cost-effective way to watch my body for now. I'm debating investing in a nice thermometer, but I can't find one under 100 dollars without crazy reviews that have no consistency. So maybe I'll start off with just our regular old thermometer. 

I said I wanted normalcy, and this is apparently how we get there. I feel so bad for my husband. Last night I came home, we fought, I cried, and then passed out from exhaustion. And then everything was okay once I woke back up.... seriously. 

That all being said, I reached out to some women on the "Trying to conceive after a 2nd/3rd trimester loss" page, and they told me that I could not get back to a regular cycle for 12 weeks. Which, that breaks my heart, but I do feel better. At least I am in the realm of normal, and I will not be sterile forever. It sounds like most women experience their first period about 6-8 weeks post miscarriage. Which means I might be right in the realm of normal. 

Normal. 

I'm not entirely sure what life will be like now. I know the normal will be a new normal. And I'm okay with that. We also are looking at renting a house, so that could be an exciting change... or we'll stay in our crappy apartment and try to save money to buy a house. I don't know. I really am leaning towards getting my "Que sera sera" tattoo, because  I need to learn to sit back and let life happen and stop trying to death grip force it into place. t

-Emily