So, I haven't written here since last week. It was Labor Day weekend, and honestly, I have been trying as hard as possible not to think about things. One thing people with anxiety do very well is ruminate. And that is one of my key stressers.
As a follow up, last week my hCG levels were at 5.5. I started my period the day after I had the blood test done, (hooray!) and am now back to charting my Basal Body Temperature every morning. That was what I did last time we got pregnant (that was all I did) and it seemed pretty accurate. I am most interested in finding out if I am going to ovulate this time, or if I will have a non ovulated period. Does that happen? It sounded like it could on some of my boards.
The wonderful nurse from the hospital called me last week, and we found out that the baby was buried, where he was buried, and how to find him. I want to go to the cemetery, but I also am a little scared to. That might not be a normal emotion. I just feel like I am starting to feel more normal, and going out there might bring a cascade of sadness/grief/self loathing back. I will definitely go visit him and his baby buddies ( they bury several babies in a small coffin together), but I just don't know when I will be ready. I am also going to wait to hear from my husband when he is ready, so we can go together.
The burial did not bring as much closure as I thought it would, Probably because we were not invited and had very little to do with the planning. But I do feel a sense of calm and peace that he had a Catholic burial in a holy cemetery and is not alone. That he is wrapped in linen and at peace in Heaven. He is definitely the coolest baby in his group of babies, and the most loved for sure. (I might be biased ;) ).
Now we march forward into cycle #2 post miscarriage. According to my charting, if we wait two cycles we could start trying again end of October. I do not think either of us are ready, and we still have so many medical bills and testing to do. I think we will realistically not be ready until November. Which means we get to try again November 11th. We also might be moving to a new place ( a house... with a yard, and a garage, within walking distance of my work ), and if that works out we will want to plan around moving so my husband doesn't have to do everything by himself.
I am also currently weighing in at 297 lbs, so I need to get down somewhere where I feel at least more comfortable before trying again. We are easily 3 months out. I know that the majority of me is ready, but like I said, there is always fear associated with this after what we've been through. And we can't try again until we are emotionally ready to face another hematoma.
Our doctor appointment with the specialist is October 5th. I will definitely keep this blog updated with how that goes, and what tests I request from them. I will also get their feedback. Once my hCG is at 2, I think my original OB will talk to me about options. I hope so. I would like to stay with her, but I am not going to just "try again" without making some adjustments to what happens with my blood and uterus. I really hope she suggests testing too. Either way, I need to know what is happening. If this happens again and we did nothing to prevent it I will feel incredibly stupid. If it happens again and we tried everything at least I can say "we tried everything".
One exciting thing happened this week. I met a new friend who is around my weight/height/place in life and is trying to lose weight and get in shape. We agreed to hold each other acocuntable and meet up for the Flying Pig in May 2016. She lives outside of chicago, I live outside of Saint Louis. This so far has been a great motivator, and I'm really happy I found her. Life throws you funny curveballs and sets you on paths. This new path is very strange.
I am finding new things out about myself. Things Istruggle with and things I excel at. I'm a little concerned about my job. I am seeing my work quality unbiased, and it's not great. I do worry my time will be short here. But I have found so many things I care about. Things I could do if this didn't work out for me. And I could be happy. I know I could.
Alright, my stomach is killing me, so I think I need to stop typing and go lay down. Not much longer until I get to go home and go to bed.
-Emily
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