Hematomas Abound.

I have another subchorionic hematoma. 

I have another subchorionic hematoma.

I have another hematoma. 


Apparently at my last appointment the ultrasound tech did not want to freak me out (as you are aware, I am easily freaked out), but she saw a small bleed. I am finding this out today as I was brought in for an emergency scan due to the increasing brown bleeding I was experiencing yesterday. What she told me today is that the area of the bleed decreased dramatically, and is no longer black, but grey. So her theory is that the brown blood is the hematoma healing and resolving itself. 

The baby is growing perfectly, has a heart beat of 183 (strong!?) and is adorable. It was even wiggling a little bit. 

But I had another ... have another ... subchorionic hematoma. The tech did say "I think this baby is a keeper!" But they are almost ALWAYS super optimistic. I am waiting for a call from my OB today to see if she wants me to get another progesterone shot. Until then, I am putting myself on modified bedrest, and will not be doing ANYTHING for a while. At least until our 12 week scan.

I am relieved, scared, shocked, upset, happy, scared, overjoyed, scared. Mostly scared still, but also happy we identified where the blood could be coming from, and that the area looks to be healing. Healing is a positive, good thing, yes? Yes. Yes. And I am 100% positive this baby is a little girl. So if anyone is going to heal up  a wound and punch her way into the world it will be a tiny me. 

Here are pictures, baby's head is on the left, butt is up in the air. I circled what the tech said is the hematoma: 

Prayers prayers prayers. All day long.

-Emily

More TMI

Last night - red mucus. Today - red mucus - lasting much longer than yesterday. 

:'( 

I don't know anymore. I just don't. 

I want to call my doctor, but I know she'll tell me that if there's no cramping, and no bright red bleeding that I just need to relax and it's normal. 

Despite the countless stories of women who have experienced this, I do feel like it is not a good thing. It is not on the pads, just when I wipe. But it is increasing in quantity. 

Sigh.

-E

The Tides of Fate

My womb is a jerk.

Seriously, everything was going fine, I felt confident for the first time this whole pregnancy. And last night I go home and (TMI) brown mucus discharge.... Like, phlegmy almost. I have also had a lot of phlegm so maybe I'm sick. But I'm like... seriously?! Bloody discharge. After everything was fine. AND I didn't feel pregnant yesterday. 

So now I'm like, is the baby dead? 

OMG the anxiety is insane. I wish I could just calm my self down, but it builds and builds and builds. I feel like I'm constantly bleeding. I JUST WANT TO BE OKAY! 

Sigh.  Anyways, no spotting today, so praying it's just because I overdid it on Monday. Every time we do too much in one day I spot. So I'm praying that it's all okay, and I'm going to put myself back on modified bedrest. 

I also quit taking baby aspirin when we went on the trip because I didn't want thin blood overseas. I haven't started it again since we are so close to the second trimester, but now I'm wondering if I should once this spotting crap stops. 

I just can't wait for Feb. 10th and our 12 week scan to see what is happening and find out if everything is okay.

Truth.

Anyways, I will keep you posted. Going to keep drinking apple cider vinegar in case there is a cyst or polyp or fibroid in there causing spotting.

-Emily

Goodbye Ireland, Hello Reality

My relationship thus far with pregnancy has been for me to give my body, mind, and soul to the tiny human growing inside me, with no end result. No baby to take home. Emphasis on giving the body, btw. I have now spent about 5 months total being pregnant between this pregnancy and the last. Five months gone to ..... a question mark. So you could say my attitude towards this fetus is one of uncertainty. I am (more than) half positive it will end in miscarriage. That is what my odds have been thus far, and we are products of our experiences. 

I am trying to stay positive, yes of course, I want this to happen. And literally every day we inch closer to 40 weeks I feel a percentage point of worry drop off. I want things to be right. Things to go smoothly as it does for so many other women. Once we hit February 12, our official 12 week point, I think I might start relaxing into the joy and love those around me are expressing for our little "blip". This time, my mother has started finding nursery theme ideas, and my husband is planning on how to set up the nursery. And in my mind, all I can think about is "we'll discuss all of this in July when the baby is healthy and viable." I've had two offers for baby showers, which seems so far away to me, I can't even begin to imagine it happening. I honestly can't imagine August 26 - our official due date - being a real day. For me, it is hour-by-hour, week-by-week. Hell, I just bought another 40 pack of overnight pads, because I wear them all day "just in case". 

Maybe I'm neurotic... It's possible. Sometimes I feel like I am.

But I also am trying to be stronger and better and not being so completely devastated again. 

Yes, I went to Destination Maternity and bought some cute work tops and pants and leggings. And I will need workout clothes, too, because I am supposed to lose 10 lbs throughout this pregnancy. (Trust me, I am planning on making that happen). (It needs to happen). But still, it just doesn't feel real. I also think that last time the clot was causing friction and pain, because I FELT my uterus. And it didn't feel great. This time, I feel nothing. Some days, I don't even remember I am pregnant. That is so ultimately different from last time. I'm not complaining. And yes, there is nausea. I feel like there is something stuck in my throat and depending on what I see or smell, it could cause a major upchuck. Luckily, this has so far not been the case! The women on my mother's side are blessed with uneventful pregnancies as far as nausea goes. 

Anyways, my point is, I am jonesing for a drink. Anxious to get back to staying up past 6pm, and so ready to know if this is "going to happen." Last week we were supposed to be on a flight to Ireland. Right before we got on the transatlantic leg of our journey, I started bleeding/spotting light pink. I lost it. We were on the plane, and I lost my mind. Anxiety took over, and I panicked. My husband freaked out, and we were so concerned about having a MC on a plane (one of the smallest planes I've ever seen as far as international flights) over the ocean. I couldn't handle that thought. So we disembarked, and stayed in the city for a week instead of going over to Ireland.

My reaction surprised me. I thought I was being so practical and realistic about this one, but my reaction and fear on the plane showed me that, not so deep-down, I am terrified of this little nugget leaving us. We did the unthinkable (as far as my fear of making waves goes). We changed our course of action for the safety of me and our unborn baby. And while that might sound sweet, part of me is very, very upset that we gave up the trip of a lifetime for a big old fat question mark. And if we do miscarry again, I will feel like it was all for naught.

I don't know if this post has a point. Except to say that I am beyond fear. I am terrified. I am beside myself in uncertainty. I am worried about what will come. I wish I knew the answer, I guess that's the joy of life, we can't know what lies ahead. All we can do is our best. and I would stop the world for my child, I just hope it decides to stick around and be healthy. Because we're all in, baby. We're committed and even though we're scared shitless, I am starting... teensy tiny bits... to come around to the idea that this might happen. That we might have a child in August. That life is changing. 

Anyways, not a big update, just wanted to let you know we never made it overseas, and I'm in a weird mental place. Next OB appointment is Feb 10th, so two weeks away. 

Life is weird. I am weird. Life is changing. I am changing. That is all.

-Emily

Pregnancy is, above all else, a roller coaster of emotions

I have so many questions that I can't seem to find, and I know I am not the only one having these questions. I know each uterus is a snowflake, but I am starting to think mine is particularly strange. 

So yesterday I went in to see my OB and do the "confirmation" appointment. In my mind, this is kind of a waste of time and money, because I've already had bloodwork done, and I was just in in August so there was no need for a Pap or a "Well Woman". So I sat there for an hour and half and left with no news. The only thing we accomplished was getting an ultrasound scheduled for that night, because we are going out of the country this weekend, and I'll be 8 weeks tomorrow, and I'm also high risk. (even if they don't call me that, I am.) 

The doctor and I discussed my weight, and how my goal is to be NOT GAINING a lb during this pregnancy, and instead I have permission to lose up to 10lbs. So that is going to be a challenge, but one I am up for. I know I need to lose weight for the health of the baby and the health of ME.

Fast forward to the Ultrasound.

We meet our little tiny baby, and it's heart is beating 173bpm - SUPER STRONG!!! The tech reassures us that there are no hematomas (Praise God). She said if there are any, she couldn't see them. I asked if she saw any fibroids, and she said she did, but she is not qualified to diagnose that. Interesting, because I know that I've read about other women having fibroids and problems. So last night I started my apple cider vinegar (with "The Mother") because this has been found to help shrink fibroids... it is disgusting, but it is for the greater good! 

So, introducing "Bazby" (she spelled "Baby" "Bazby" on the image, and I think it's going to stick: 

"BAZBY"

The baby is measuring 7 weeks 5 days, which is spot on from what it should be. She showed us the perfectly round yolk sack, checked my ovaries, and we saw its little heart thump thump thumping away. Amazing, considering I was not entirely sure there was anything in there. I am still somewhat in shock. 

Everything was PERFECT. If you've ever experienced a difficult pregnancy, and then one where they tell you everything is fine, then you will know how we felt last night. It was not excitement, it was almost exhaustion. Like weeks of not knowing, and concern, and worry just drained from our bodies. We went home, ate a big salad, and fell asleep. 

This morning, I woke up to spotting.

I'm not even fucking kidding there was red bleeding when I wiped. And I am sore. (I think the soreness is from the pressing of the US reader). So, can getting an abdominal ultrasound cause bleeding if they are pressing on you? I am just constantly high and low with this whole process. I woke up expecting today to be a new day of confidence, and my body greets me with blood. Then, I looked at our ultrasound again, and I noticed that there is a strange-looking thing in the exact same spot as last time. This looks like it is not echogenic (I believe that is the correct term) - i.e. it is not solid black, which would mean blood. It is fuzzy and looks like tissue. But when I compare it to the last ultrasound, it is in the same place as the hematoma and the same size. So, is it a hematoma that is clotting or bleeding out? Is it something else? I have no idea. My doctor is supposed to call today, and I will ask her about that. I don't want false confidence with this pregnancy. If I am spotting (Now @ implantation, six weeks, and eight weeks) and there is a hematoma, even a closing one, I want to know. I need to know. I can't hold on to this pregnancy like it is going smoothly if it is not. So I will report back today on what she says. You can see below the two pregnancy pictures. Bazby is on the left, and my angel is on the right with the hematoma circled, and in pink is the space I'm curious about. I will spend some time today looking at other ultrasounds to see if maybe this is a common thing. 

Upside down - sorry! 

I am so torn, you guys. I just want to be happy, but it's not happy when there's bleeding. My husband keeps telling me it's normal. But I know it's not that normal. 


-Emily

So, I guess we're pregnant....

I got the call from my OB.... 

Progesterone: 11 (up from 7.9)
hCG: 65,000!!!!!! HOLY CRAP (Up from 1,300). 

I'm too shocked, elated, excited, overjoyed, euphoric, surprised, floored to even comment on this right now. 

We're 7 weeks 3 days (maybe less, based on those numbers climbing, we could have been earlier than I thought, but that's a sad thought, so let's hope for 7.3!) This Friday will be 8 weeks. 

Appointment on Wednesday at 10:15 AM, where I'm praying she'll do an US for us, and see if there are any hematomas in there.

Squeek!

-Emily

Three Options

So this is the last post you're going to hear from me until Monday, because  I am having an additional blood draw Friday, and won't get results until Monday. Unless something happens between now and then, we are currently in a holding pattern.

After spending the night thinking through options, here are the three things that might happen: 

1. We are on the other side of a miscarriage, levels will go down, and I will miscarry naturally before our appointment on Wednesday. 

2. We are on the other side of a miscarriage, levels will go down, but the progesterone is keeping me from miscarrying naturally, so we will need to do a D&C next week before we leave for Ireland. 

3. Everything is fine. 

That is quite the wide range of possibilities, but I think it covers everything. In all honesty, I am hoping that it's option 2 or 3, another week of bleeding sounds horrible to me after July, and I'd like my OB to check out my uterus to make sure it is shaped correctly and does not have any problems with it. 

So yea, we'll just have to wait and see what is happening. At this point, I really have no idea. But I do know that the appointment at the fertility clinic is booked. I have no idea why they are not putting me on suppositories for progesterone (many times more effective than oral). I also wish we could get an ultrasound done before we go another week. But, I bought a fetal doppler (it was on super sale, don't judge me!) to try to see if we can hear anything (I know it's early and I'm fat so it's very unlikely we'd find the heartbeat, but I loved having the doppler before when I rented one, so I'd like to have one going forward.)

My husband and I also discussed our long term options last night. And we decided that if this keeps happening, and my body can't sustain a pregnancy, there will be a time when we tap out and say 'no more'. And we'll pursue other options for our lives. It's a sad conversation to have, but we both have big dreams and goals, and while we want children, we also know that we aren't going to go to extremes and keep putting ourselves through this pain. 

-Emily

The hcg saga continues

Just got the call from the OB. My hCG levels are 1,309. 

According to my trusty chart, for week six we should be 1,100-56,000. 

Last time I was EXTREMELY low and she told me that I was just ... low. But I was never told how low, so I don't have much to compare this to. 

In my heart of hearts, I feel like the fetus stopped growing and these are back end numbers of coming down from the high. If so, I will either start bleeding this weekend, or have to have a D&C next week.

The other alternative is that everything is fine, the progesterone lifts the hCG levels, and, like last time, I am just on the low end of things. If everything is the same as last time minus the hematoma, then I am going to be thrilled. But here is why I don't think that's what is happening -- last time the 200 mg of progesterone lifted my progesterone levels to normal. This time, even with the progesterone, I am still low. I think my body is trying to miscarry, but the supplements might be not letting it. 

Not going to the doctor until next week is sooo frustrating. I just want to know now. I wish that I was somewhere with multiple doctors so ONE of them could see me. 

Appointment booked for the fertility clinic for next time. Because this is now confirmed a hormonal issue, and not a freaking "FLUKE". 

-Frustrated

Low Progesterone (again)

Just got results back from the doctor. My progesterone is dangerously low at 7.9. The lab did not send hcg levels, so we do not know where those are. The low progesterone could be from a miscarriage that is in progress, or a looming miscarriage could be caused by the low progesterone. 

I have been taking 200 mg progesterone supplements orally, but she asked me to double the amount, and ordered me more. 

I guess tomorrow we will find out where my hcg levels are. If they are low, I am going to assume we are losing this pregnancy. If they are on track, then I will pray we caught this just in time.

Spotting update - brown spotting when I wiped this AM, but nothing since. Going to rush home and take my progesterone.

Send prayers this way, please.

-Emily

(Right now, I am not even going to think about an ectopic.... but that is always something we have to consider, and I am praying we get to go in sooner than next Tuesday to do an US)

Research

http://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0111676

"In general, the earlier gestational age a hematoma was diagnosed, the worse outcome the pregnancies tended to have. One reason for this may be, in the middle and late pregnancy, the gradually diminishing cervical barrier resulting in fast outflow and reduced intrauterine retention of blood when uterine hemorrhage occurs [37]." 



http://www.ajronline.org/doi/pdf/10.2214/ajr.149.4.737

The first decent explanation of a hematoma: 

The subchorionic hematoma probably results from marginal placental abruption during the first half of pregnancy. For unknown reasons, blood, instead of collecting behind the placenta as happens in the third trimester, works its way behind the chorionic membrane and subsequently leaks into the cervical canal. This causes its elevation from the uterine wall. The subchorionic hematoma tends to compress the gestational sac, and in two of our cases this led to premature rupture of the membranes and subsequent abortion. 

http://www.theovalplanet.com/post.cfm/poor-outcomes-in-patients-with-low-papp-a-during-testing-for-down-syndrome

Awesome, something I want to investigate more - PAPP-A levels and miscarriage

From Wikiepedia: 

This gene encodes a secreted metalloproteinase which cleaves insulin-like growth factor binding proteins (IGFBPs). It is thought to be involved in local proliferative processes such as wound healing and bone remodeling. Low plasma level of this protein has been suggested as a biochemical marker for pregnancies with aneuploid fetuses (fetuses with an abnormal number of chromosomes).^[2] For example, low PAPPA may be seen in prenatal screening for Down syndrome.^[1] Low levels may alternatively predict issues with the placenta, resulting in adverse complications such as intrauterine growth restriction, preeclampsia, placental abruption, premature birth, or fetal death. 

http://www.jultrasoundmed.org/content/suppl/2015/06/12/8.6.289.DC1/08.06.289.pdf

http://www.pubfacts.com/search/subchorionic+hematoma

quick update - what i'm feeling

This is just for me for future reference -

Yesterday: 

Feeling "sick", nauseous, tired, sore, coughing, light headed, wanting to lay down 

Today: 

Feeling better, but still not right
Naueseous until 2 PM
Extremely tired 
no more coughing
Sometimes I get weird pushes/pulls on my uterus/hips

I wanted to compare this to my mc, but it's not quite the same. It almost feels like when your stomach rolls when you are about to puke, but it's my uterus, not my stomach. 

Going to call the doctor and see if they want me in any sooner. Since my doctor is OOO until the 11th, I'm not sure who they'd send me to... 

-Emily

Bad News Bears

Blood. It's back. I can't seem to separate a pregnancy from bleeding. 

I know I mentioned that about 2 weeks ago I had pink spotting and assumed it was implantation bleeding.  Well, yesterday I had more pink spotting which eventually turned red. I also felt sick all day and was laying on the couch for literally 12 hours. I barely slept, my body is shaking, and I am terrified I am miscarrying. I also feel lightheaded, but I am fairly confident that is because I am worrying myself sick, not actual lightheadedness. 

So far this morning I have not had more bleeding, but I feel like I am, and I feel crampy, and again, the shakiness. I am debating taking a half day and going home, but I don't want to use up my limited days because we're going to Ireland in two weeks, AND I might need a day to go do surgery if I end up miscarrying and need a D&C. 

All things considered, I am surprised  I have maintained this pregnancy this long. Between moving, holiday stress and parties, I way overexerted myself. And my poor husband who has been carrying us is at the end of his rope. I know he's about to break. Soo if we lost this pregnancy, there would be some good things that come out of it -- Ireland would be a healing time where we can both enjoy the trip without worry, I can help us make the final move out of the apartment, and we'll be guaranteed to get referred to a specialist OB who might be able to do some real tests and figure out what is wrong with my uterus. 

But all that being said, I just feel very defeated. Everything was going so great, everything was so smooth, there was no bleeding, and now when we hit the same time I started bleeding last time here it comes. 

I have been on a strict baby aspirin and progesterone regime this entire time, and still... We also had sex two nights ago, and I know sometimes that causes spotting, but this doesn't feel like spotting, this feels like last time. 

I will keep this blog updated with progress. Going to the blood place today to get blood drawn to check levels. 

-Emily