Let me start out today's post with - "I am so, absolutely, unequivocally EXHAUSTED." Serves me right for going out to dinner on a weeknight. :'( I haven't done anything after a work day this whole pregnancy, and now I know why. I can barely think straight today. I wasn't even out late, it was just too much for one day. My friend was in from London for Easter, so it was the one time a year I got to visit with her. But, my mistake, because the thought of making it through the next 9 hours is daunting. I will be napping at lunch, and possibly taking a 15 minute break before then to try to regroup. Sigh. My body is in control of this show, as much as my mind wants to take the reins.
Anyways, I got to look back at my blog for some pregnancy symptoms to help a friend out. So that was cool, and made me appreciate my logging of symptoms and timing. :) Because of that, I thought I would log symptoms from this week (today is 18.6).
- Woke up with a rash on my stomach, I am thinking it's either from the food I ate last night, or the green tea from yesterday. Will keep an eye on it.
- The green goo has appeared to dried up, but still monitoring for it. I will begin walking again this weekend to see if it comes back, so I can go to my OB at our appointment and try to get some answers next week.
- The daily fatigue is insane. I should be feeling good, but I mostly just feel exhausted.
- I sometimes feel baby (or think I do), and other times just absolutely nothing... it is scary, and I feel an impending sense of doom. The bleeding nightmares seem to have become less scarse, but they are now replaced by other scary things. (Like dreaming I was terrible at my job and got fired.)
- The anxiety seems to recede and then bam come back. So I am going to go visit my counselor again soon. I am not managing it very well on my own right now. Hoping after anatomy scan I'll start being more confident.
- Some days I have a belly, other days not so much.
- Some days I struggle to breathe (like today, dear God, give me breath in my lungs cause I'm struggling), and other days I'm fine.
- Hip pain/ sciatica pain seems to come and go based on how long I sit at work. Trying to get out earlier, but I am so bogged down that I rarely leave before 5, which results in a sore night and difficult sleep conditions.
- Nausea has come back in full force in the mornings. Even drinking a cup of water makes me a little sick. I might try some of that "Nursery" water to see if it has a better flavor. I also have very little appetite. Especially at night, but if I don't eat something (especially if there's no protein) I wake up feeling hungover. Which leads me to believe that's a GD thing, but we'll know more next Friday.
- The Secure Beginnings mattress arrived and it's sooo cute and perfect, and now we need to set up the crib, but I am hesitant. I feel like if something tragic happens it will be that much harder to see it set up (right now it's just an abstract box). So we'll see.
- Hormones. Well, let's just say that's a real thing. I'm always feeling something. It's exhausting.
- I occasionally have pressure/feel like I have a BM coming, and at those times I am positive I am miscarrying. Can't wait for the tech to check my cervix and tell me if it's closed and high and that i'm fine.
Anyways, it's not all bad, when I think I feel baby I am overjoyed and love it. I love how she's growing and is the size of a sweet potato. I feel physically fine most of the time. But I'm kind of lonely. In a weird way. I feel very alone. Like, this journey is mine and mine alone, and none of my friends are going through it so that makes it even more isolated. It's not even anything my husband can really participate in until he can feel her, which I am worried is still at least 2 months away.
So, back to therapy for a bit to try to curb the anxiety, and definitely no more weeknight outings. And DEFINITELY need to be walking, because i gained a lb, which officially puts me at 300 lbs. My first pound of pregnancy, but it was a major milestone because that number makes me want to puke.
Just gonna go channel my inner @chontelduncan and try to get myself in a better physical and mental shape.
Oh, also signing up for birthing classes, so that's exciting. And expensive, but apparently worth it if you want to try to do it naturally (and by naturally i mean no C-Section, cause homegirl wants that sweet epidural if possible).
-Emily
P.S. they say that the two week wait when you're trying to find out if you're pregnant is the longest wait, but I think the 4 week wait between 16 week appointment and 20 week appointment is absolutely worse. These past three weeks have felt like three months, and knowing we have one more before we know if things are going okay pretty much makes me want to curl up and cry. Come on April, get here already.
Okay, I wish I had a pregnant friend or two, to go through this process with, because reading the internet is just scary, and my friends are mostly single, so I am pioneering the way through mucus and hip pain.
Anyways, weirdest thing happened this weekend. Friday night I was very, very sore. So sore I felt a little shaky and sick. Standing up made me feel a little off, and my hips/round ligaments/uterus were very achey. I was a little concerned about a miscarraige again because it almost felt crampy.
I went to bed, and when I woke up, everything felt different. Almost like she moved higher up in my abdomen. I don't have nearly the symptoms I had before. The achey hips are there (obesity at its finest). But the sloshing feeling is gone, the constant pulling is gone. I think the baby might have shifted higher up? Is that what happens when skinny women "pop" and get their bellies? I don't think I'll really "pop" due to my stomach, but maybe that is the defining moment?
It's so weird, and I was so nervous I had to use my doppler to make sure she was okay. Heart beating strong, just... don't feel... pregnant. Not like I was. Is this the second trimester golden period? In early pregnancy this is a sign of a miscarriage, but I am wondering if we just moved her out of my pelvis?
I'm so confused. All the time!
I also had a few strange realizations:
- I truly don't believe I deserve happiness/good things (I know we already discussed that, but I am seeing it now very clearly.)
- I am terrified that if I get happy and lose this baby, I will look like a fool.
Some good things to work through. Now that I am recognizing these bad behaviours and thought patterns, I am addressing them as they come up, and I can already tell today is a better day for me. I am feeling stronger, more in control. I never want my pregnancy or children to 100% define me. I think that is the fatal mistake in women who have children and in 20 years realize they've completely lost themselves. I want to give everything to my children, yes, but I still want my husband, and me, to be a priority. I want to be important and take care of us and our relationship. So as we move forward, it's going to be finding footholds of strength and taking steps to make sure I am making good decisions for all the stakeholders in our lives (husband, me, baby).
I was also looking at Instagram accounts of fitness coaches last night. They are able to be pregnant and maintain their figure and workout regimen. It reminded me that this is a NATURAL process. And while my body is unnaturally obese, it still knows what to do (or is at least learning). Do I think the miscarriage was natural? No. I still fully believe there was something underlying it, and the aspirin/progesterone regime I put myself on this time allowed this pregnancy to progress. But now that my body has taken over, I am going to try to have faith in it. Be good to it. And treat myself cautiously, but with the respect I deserve. And the next time we go through this (hopefully in two years when we have a healthy child alive and part of our family) I will be in a different place mentally and physically.
I am getting excited to take the baby for walks and eventually jogs. I am going to get the jogger. I am excited for races and being fit and active. I know I'll never look like @chontelduncan or @sarahstage, but I can look like me in better health with a lower BMI. And that's the goal. And once I can get to a healthy place with food and body image, and have a successful pregnancy, than the fear of this process should be replaced with confidence.
Also, I'm not doctor, and I definitely wasn't "there" so to speak for any of these pregnancies and labors, but of my four friends who gave birth wtihin the last 6 months, all four of the women decided they wanted to do natural labor, no induction, no epidural. Of those four, three were induced and c-section. Only one gave birth as she originally wanted, and it was the one of the four who works out consistently and eats healthy foods daily. These women ranged on a scale from skinny to overweight with moderate exercise, but the one woman who did what she wanted with no complications was committed to fitness throughout her pregnancy, and I want to model the remainder of my time after her. I know I won't lose weight, but I have not gained a single pound yet, and I am so happy about that accomplishment.
SO anyways, onwards. And maybe I should rename my blog "Plus Size Pregnancy", because I'm telling you, from what I can tell, it's a very different ballgame.
-Emily
Sorry I've been MIA for a while, I am trying to let time pass without overthinking things, but that is proving challenging. So here is what has been happening:
We had our 16 week check up, and baby is great! No signs of any bleeding in the hematoma. Heartrate is good (I still think high, but doctor didn't seem to mind) around 160. She (yes, she!) was laying on her side, so we didn't get a good profile, but the genetic screening came back with great results. Everything appears to be going fine!
Apparently the pain/pressure I was feeling below my belly was still RLP, and my doctor did not seem concerned at all. So the appointment was on a Wednesday, and we left feeling pretty good. The 20 week scan is scheduled, and we are a month away from half way cooked!
So, I guess after the appointment I started overdoing it, because the thick green mucus came back (with a vengeance). I started walking again, and my husband and I had sex for the first time in weeeeks, feeling like everything was okay, well, I'm pretty sure that caused the mucus. After doing some research, I'm fairly confident it was part of my mucus plug. I, of course, freaked out, and immediately put myself back on bedrest. I spent the entire weekend relaxing and didn't leave the house. By Sunday, it had diminished significantly. So by today (tuesday) the mucus is gone, but NOW I have a weird feeling down there. Sigh. IT NEVER ENDS! I am hyper sensitive to begin with, but now I'm wondering if I actually had/have a yeast infection. I have been wearing a pad every day for 4 months .... so I'm wondering ifit's too hot down there. Back to cotton underwear today, and doing some research.
So I think we are past the point of TMI at this point, but it basically feels like ... you know when you accidentally leave a little piece of toilet paper after wiping? it feels kind of like that down there. It doesn't hurt, but it's noticeable. I've checked and can't feel my cervix, so that is good (at least it's not down low). And nothing else seems off, but of course any little thing down there freaks me out. Especially since I'm terrified I have an incompetent cervix after the miscarriage (I know that was labor/contractions, and a hemorrage that irritated everything, but I still just opened up with no issues). I think at 20 week ultrasound they will look at my cervix for the first time, so yay, hopefully we make it through these next four weeks with little to no incidents and get halfway through. Then, we'll be talking about VIABILITY!!!! I am not there yet, we still have too long of a journey to go,... but we're getting closer! And I've been so busy during the workday that the weeks do seem to be passing quickly.
Anyways, that's what's up down there. It's always something, isn't it? I have decide how much I'm going to limit myself these next few months. I am going to err on the side of caution, because we've now made it this far. I have a daughter, and I love her, and I'd literally do ANYTHING to keep her safe. So we're just going to keep taking it a day at a time, and tackle things as they come up.
If you ask any of my care practitioners, everything is 100% perfect, so I am just going off of their diagnoses and telling myself to chill the fuck out. Stress is bad, apparently the cortisol levels can transfer to the amniotic fluid, and stress out the baby. So ... more meditation, more calming relaxing deep breathing, and less worrying about what's going on around me. If I were a horse, you'd be putting blinders on me right about now.
Oh, I think I can feel baby moving... Like right now, it feels like someone is blowing bubbles in my uterus. It's one of the most amazing feelings. The other night I swear I felt a kick! I am going to look today and try to find out why it's called "the quickening" (cause, come on, that's a Highlander thing, and how awesome to call feeling your baby move that??!!!). I wish I Wasn't carrying around all this extra weight, because I know my husband will not be able to feel her for a while. But that's okay, I know he will soon, and then he'll have the rest of his life to love her. :) .... Assuming we get through the next five months.
Also, he made an interesting point the other day. I don't think that I DESERVE to be happy, or have good things happen. Which is just strange, because my life is FULL of great things. I am very blessed and very lucky and work very hard to get what I want. But I think if I start to get excited about this baby she'll die. And I feel like if I want something, I won't get it, because I Don't deserve it. Stuff to talk to my counselor about I guess.
Anyways, I'm sure there's more, and I'll start being more active documenting things, although I feel like these month long waits are pretty much the same. Most of the time I don't feel pregnant (second trimester - golden trimester!) Unless I'm freaked out about something, or feeling pressure, or the baby is moving.
As a side note, I still expect blood every time I wipe, and I still am scared every morning when I wake up (and the multiple times throughout the night) that there will be a pool of blood around me again. I think I have the symptoms of PTSD, and I don't think I'll relax about it until the baby is healthy and viable and preferably here and full term here. So anyways, if anyone out there is struggling like that, just know that you aren't alone, this is a REAL THING, and what you experienced -- no matter how far into a pregnancy -- is a scary, horrible, terrible thing, and while we shouldn't dwell on the past, I want to validate your emotions. If you are scared like me, know that there is hope, and I believe that things can be okay, and that is what gets me through every day.
Also, a friend of mine is in counseling and they're discussing self worth. And there is a little exercise they told me about that goes like this -
- Remove toxic substances or behaviors from your life.
- Look back and make new choices about old messages and feelings.
- Develop new behaviors.
This is a process to better understand that you are valuable and deserve good things. But, I am also going to apply the process to the miscarriage. Because I know I have been living in the past with this pregnancy, and now we're in a new week, and we're further than ever before, and people keep telling me it's all normal. So .... I'm going to start looking to dawn instead of watching the sun setting on the past.
-Emily
Hello there! As promised, here is my update on my visit with another OB and a second opinion.
My initial/lasting feelings:
- I love the new doctor.
- He made me feel kind of guilty for coming to him (yea.)
- He told me everything we're doing is good.
- He things if we have another SCH as bad as last time I'd have had a big bleed by now.
- The ultrasound pics are grainy, but he does not see anything major, possibly a small pooling but nothing like last time.
- He'd be willing to work with me.
He is also my doctor's boss (kind of).
Seriously.
I found the one doctor at an unrelated hospital who has a close relationship with my OB! And I wasn't even going to tell him the name of the practice, but it was on my ultrasound pics. Blaaaaaaaaah.
What he DID tell me, is that my OB is VERY good, and highly recommend. She delivers for him and he recommends her. He thinks I'd be in good hands with her. He wanted to know why I wasn't comfortable telling her my concerns and why I got a second opinion. I think that's a pretty obvious question, but voicing my reasons was a good exercise. I wanted to make sure we're doing the right thing, I felt like my questions weren't answered, I am full of anxiety and needed to do everything I could to make sure I am not messing up again.
So anyways, we have a big decision to make. And I don't really know what to do. I like my OB, she has been GREAT. BUt I also feel trepidation when I go to her office. Now we are in new territory it's getting better. SO I am leaning towards staying with her, especially because switching now just seems like a huge effort and a pain and more stressful. Plus I can have her deliver at his hospital which is where I want to be.
Anyways, it was insane. BUT we are 14.5 today, my Round Ligament Pain is hurting, the weird hip-to-hip pain seems to have abated (i think that was my uterus moving out of my hips). I went on a walk the other day and felt great. Weight seems to be staying steady (which was my goal for now since I am scared to exercise). The green mucus is back, so I'll ask her about that next weekend since it went away with the flagyl dose.
I don't know, we're starting to think we might have this baby. Of course anything can happen, but... I am feeling better. The doctor's second opinion made me feel better. And for that reason alone, I am still considering the switch.
We did go get a crib and a stroller (travel system). So the two items I insisted on being new are purchased (with a coupon). It makes it feel so real, and I know it was too early to ge tthose items, but with the coupon we just couldn't pass it up.
Now I just want to know if I will get an US at my 16 week appointment. If we don't, we'll probably go to a private place and have one done, because I just want to see the baby. We also got the bloodwork done last Friday, so I am hoping we get the genetic screening results back within the next week. And once we hear that and make it to 15 weeks, things will feel so much calmer in my mind. I know I'll always be worried, but at leastwe seem to be making progress.
Now if only the disgusting mucus would go away.
The next question is, do I want to know the gender? I honestly don't. But to prepare, I think I do. I want to be able to get stuff ready, and it's very hard to find gender neutral items (the stroller was a struggle).So I guess I will.... just. Ahh. I don't know
Anyways, I'm starting to ramble. There is still weird pain (hopefulyl it's growing pain) and I feel very unsure of everything, so we're just taking it a day at a time.
A day at a time is all we have.
-Emily
