Shifting Internals, and a new name for this blog?

Okay, I wish I had a pregnant friend or two, to go through this process with, because reading the internet is just scary, and my friends are mostly single, so I am pioneering the way through mucus and hip pain. 

Anyways, weirdest thing happened this weekend. Friday night I was very, very sore. So sore I felt a little shaky and sick. Standing up made me feel a little off, and my hips/round ligaments/uterus were very achey. I was a little concerned about a miscarraige again because it almost felt crampy. 

I went to bed, and when I woke up, everything felt different. Almost like she moved higher up in my abdomen. I don't have nearly the symptoms I had before. The achey hips are there (obesity at its finest). But the sloshing feeling is gone, the constant pulling is gone. I think the baby might have shifted higher up? Is that what happens when skinny women "pop" and get their bellies? I don't think I'll really "pop" due to my stomach, but maybe that is the defining moment? 

It's so weird, and I was so nervous I had to use my doppler to make sure she was okay. Heart beating strong, just... don't feel... pregnant. Not like I was. Is this the second trimester golden period? In early pregnancy this is a sign of a miscarriage, but I am wondering if we just moved her out of my pelvis? 

I'm so confused. All the time! 

I also had a few strange realizations:

1. I truly don't believe I deserve happiness/good things (I know we already discussed that, but I am seeing it now very clearly.) 
2. I am terrified that if I get happy and lose this baby, I will look like a fool. 

Some good things to work through. Now that I am recognizing these bad behaviours and thought patterns, I am addressing them as they come up, and I can already tell today is a better day for me. I am feeling stronger, more in control. I never want my pregnancy or children to 100% define me. I think that is the fatal mistake in women who have children and in 20 years realize they've completely lost themselves. I want to give everything to my children, yes, but I still want my husband, and me, to be a priority. I want to be important and take care of us and our relationship. So as we move forward, it's going to be finding footholds of strength and taking steps to make sure I am making good decisions for all the stakeholders in our lives (husband, me, baby). 

I was also looking at Instagram accounts of fitness coaches last night. They are able to be pregnant and maintain their figure and workout regimen. It reminded me that this is a NATURAL process. And while my body is unnaturally obese, it still knows what to do (or is at least learning). Do I think the miscarriage was natural? No. I still fully believe there was something underlying it, and the aspirin/progesterone regime I put myself on this time allowed this pregnancy to progress. But now that my body has taken over, I am going to try to have faith in it. Be good to it. And treat myself cautiously, but with the respect I deserve. And the next time we go through this (hopefully in two years when we have a healthy child alive and part of our family) I will be in a different place mentally and physically. 

I am getting excited to take the baby for walks and eventually jogs. I am going to get the jogger. I am excited for races and being fit and active. I know I'll never look like @chontelduncan or @sarahstage, but I can look like me in  better health with a lower BMI. And that's the goal. And once I can get to a healthy place with food and body image, and have a successful pregnancy, than the fear of this process should be replaced with confidence. 

Also, I'm not doctor, and I definitely wasn't "there" so to speak for any of these pregnancies and labors, but of my four friends who gave birth wtihin the last 6 months, all four of the women decided they wanted to do natural labor, no induction, no epidural. Of those four, three were induced and c-section. Only one gave birth as she originally wanted, and it was the one of the four who works out consistently and eats healthy foods daily. These women ranged on a scale from skinny to overweight with moderate exercise, but the one woman who did what she wanted with no complications was committed to fitness throughout her pregnancy, and I want to model the remainder of my time after her. I know I won't lose weight, but I have not gained a single pound yet, and I am so happy about that accomplishment. 

SO anyways, onwards. And maybe I should rename my blog "Plus Size Pregnancy", because I'm telling you, from what I can tell, it's a very different ballgame.  

-Emily