Nearing the Halfway Point

Let me start out today's post with - "I am so, absolutely, unequivocally EXHAUSTED." Serves me right for going out to dinner on a weeknight. :'( I haven't done anything after a work day this whole pregnancy, and now I know why. I can barely think straight today. I wasn't even out late, it was just too much for one day. My friend was in from London for Easter, so it was the one time a year I got to visit with her. But, my mistake, because the thought of making it through the next 9 hours is daunting. I will be napping at lunch, and possibly taking a 15 minute break before then to try to regroup. Sigh. My body is in control of this show, as much as my mind wants to take the reins.

Anyways, I got to look back at my blog for some pregnancy symptoms to help a friend out. So that was cool, and made me appreciate my logging of symptoms and timing. :) Because of that, I thought I would log symptoms from this week (today is 18.6).

- Woke up with a rash on my stomach, I am thinking it's either from the food I ate last night, or the green tea from yesterday. Will keep an eye on it. 
- The green goo has appeared to dried up, but still monitoring for it. I will begin walking again this weekend to see if it comes back, so I can go to my OB at our appointment and try to get some answers next week. 
- The daily fatigue is insane. I should be feeling good, but I mostly just feel exhausted. 
- I sometimes feel baby (or think I do), and other times just absolutely nothing... it is scary, and I feel an impending sense of doom. The bleeding nightmares seem to have become less scarse, but  they are now replaced by other scary things. (Like dreaming I was terrible at my job and got fired.)
- The anxiety seems to recede and then bam come back. So I am going to go visit my counselor again soon. I am not managing it very well on my own right now. Hoping after anatomy scan I'll start being more confident. 
- Some days I have a belly, other days not so much. 
- Some days I struggle to breathe (like today, dear God, give me breath in my lungs cause I'm struggling), and other days I'm fine. 
- Hip pain/ sciatica pain seems to come and go based on how long I sit at work. Trying to get out earlier, but I am so bogged down that I rarely leave before 5, which results in a sore night and difficult sleep conditions. 
- Nausea has come back in full force in the mornings. Even drinking a cup of water makes me a little sick. I might try some of that "Nursery" water to see if it has a better flavor. I also have very little appetite. Especially at night, but if I don't eat something (especially if there's no protein) I wake up feeling hungover. Which leads me to believe that's a GD thing, but we'll know more next Friday. 
- The Secure Beginnings mattress arrived and it's sooo cute and perfect, and now we need to set up the crib, but I am hesitant. I feel like if something tragic happens it will be that much harder to see it set up (right now it's just an abstract box). So we'll see. 
- Hormones. Well, let's just say that's a real thing. I'm always feeling something. It's exhausting.
- I occasionally have pressure/feel like I have a BM coming, and at those times I am positive I am miscarrying. Can't wait for the tech to check my cervix and tell me if it's closed and high and that i'm fine.

Anyways, it's not all bad, when I think I feel baby I am overjoyed and love it. I love how she's growing and is the size of a sweet potato. I feel physically fine most of the time. But I'm kind of lonely. In a weird way. I feel very alone. Like, this journey is mine and mine alone, and none of my friends are going through it so that makes it even more isolated. It's not even anything my husband can really participate in until he can feel her, which I am worried is still at least 2 months away.

So, back to therapy for a bit to try to curb the anxiety, and definitely no more weeknight outings. And DEFINITELY need to be walking, because i gained a lb, which officially puts me at 300 lbs. My first pound of pregnancy, but it was a major milestone because that number makes me want to puke.

Just gonna go channel my inner @chontelduncan and try to get myself in a better physical and mental shape.

Oh, also signing up for birthing classes, so that's exciting. And expensive, but apparently worth it if you want to try to do it naturally (and by naturally i mean no C-Section, cause homegirl wants that sweet epidural if possible). 

-Emily

P.S. they say that the two week wait when you're trying to find out if you're pregnant is the longest wait, but I think the 4 week wait between 16 week appointment and 20 week appointment is absolutely worse. These past three weeks have felt like three months, and knowing we have one more before we know if things are going okay pretty much makes me want to curl up and cry. Come on April, get here already.