Just realized that Tuesday was not the milestone I was hoping for. We lost the baby at 14.2, not 13.4. So this Sunday will be our "We got past the last miscarriage". Now with the spotting, I am at the peak of my stress level.
Sigh.
Over it. And feel sick to my stomach.
Thursday, February 25, 2016
Relapse 2.0
I don't know why this is happening, but I am beside myself today with anxiety. Fear. I had a nightmare that we lost the baby and I woke up KNOWING it was true (it wasn't).
Last night the disgusting brown spotting/mucus came back. Interestingly, it followed what I believe is my uterus stretching/growing. I'm so freaked out. I'm not going to lie. I know we're past our last loss, but I thought we were in the clear. More blood - of any color - is not a step forward.
I think this pregnancy is just going to keep these little steps forward, step back. Because I don't think believe that this is going to be easy.
So I called the OB, and they said if it turns red we need to come in. But I have decided that I will go see the second doctor for a second opinion next week.
Here is my reasoning -
My OB is great, but I have severe anxiety and sitting in her waiting room brings back all of the horrible memories from last time.
When I went for testing/advice last time, I was told "it was a fluke" by both the OB and a specialist. And now here we are again with another hematoma.
I am not considered high risk. Even with spotting in 2nd trimester, and a 2nd trimester loss.
I have not had a cervical exam since this pregnancy. And while, at the time, it makes me happy not to have to deal with that, I feel like it should be done.
Maybe I'm overreacting, but I am going to go see another doctor and just get their feedback/opinion about what we're doing, and see if there is something else we should be doing, or if everything sounds fine as-is. Mostly though, the anxiety is my biggest concern. It is building even despite making it past our loss day, and the brown spotting is freaking me out.
I'm such a mess. I need to let it go and relax, but it's very hard.
My friend told me her friend's daughter's name means "relax" in Jamaican... I am thinking I need to "Irie" myself.
-Emily
More over the weekend if any developments, and if not, more Monday evening/Tuesday morning.
Hoping there are no updates this weekend and everything is A-OKay.
Last night the disgusting brown spotting/mucus came back. Interestingly, it followed what I believe is my uterus stretching/growing. I'm so freaked out. I'm not going to lie. I know we're past our last loss, but I thought we were in the clear. More blood - of any color - is not a step forward.
I think this pregnancy is just going to keep these little steps forward, step back. Because I don't think believe that this is going to be easy.
So I called the OB, and they said if it turns red we need to come in. But I have decided that I will go see the second doctor for a second opinion next week.
Here is my reasoning -
My OB is great, but I have severe anxiety and sitting in her waiting room brings back all of the horrible memories from last time.
When I went for testing/advice last time, I was told "it was a fluke" by both the OB and a specialist. And now here we are again with another hematoma.
I am not considered high risk. Even with spotting in 2nd trimester, and a 2nd trimester loss.
I have not had a cervical exam since this pregnancy. And while, at the time, it makes me happy not to have to deal with that, I feel like it should be done.
Maybe I'm overreacting, but I am going to go see another doctor and just get their feedback/opinion about what we're doing, and see if there is something else we should be doing, or if everything sounds fine as-is. Mostly though, the anxiety is my biggest concern. It is building even despite making it past our loss day, and the brown spotting is freaking me out.
I'm such a mess. I need to let it go and relax, but it's very hard.
My friend told me her friend's daughter's name means "relax" in Jamaican... I am thinking I need to "Irie" myself.
-Emily
More over the weekend if any developments, and if not, more Monday evening/Tuesday morning.
Hoping there are no updates this weekend and everything is A-OKay.
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
Anniversary
So here we are again, 13.4. The day we lost our angel baby.
This has been a long-awaited day for me, and one that anxiety and hope has built and built as we got closer to. I know that there are still tons of problems that can happen after this day/week is over--I know that. But, I already feel so much better. I am half way through this day. No bleeding... knock on wood. Now spotting... knock on wood. This pregnancy has been so so different from the last one.
This morning I went baby hunting and found Bazby's beautiful heart pumping away. I recorded it today, because I want something to remember always. It's getting too big to disappear now, so I heard it floop around a little but stayed strong the whole time.
I am taking it easy, trying not to stress, and have started slowly telling my friends and coworkers.
The sad part? There will be no social media announcement. There will be no certainty. There will be no choosing names or planning a future. We are still scarred and trying to imagine a life where this ends in 9 months with a healthy child. I'm still terrified.
But slowly, I am getting more comfortable that this tiny human is growing. And okay. And we are fighting for it to live. Every decision is considered with the baby in mind. We are thinking about how we're going to set up a nursery, and items we could use for both this baby, or another baby if anything happens, I have my cloth diaper stash growing. (Cutest things in the world, btw... I can't wait to put them on a tiny baby!).
Every day is a small battle, and every morning that we wake up and find a healthy heartbeat with no bleeding is a win. It's all about winning those small battles, and before we know it, we will win the war. And I am going to start letting myself think this is okay.
This strong little fetus who decided it wanted to grow even when I thought it was impossible for it to exist. Just amazing.
So I went for Harmony and Cystic Fibrosis testing (NXGEN), and the lady at the lab stuck me seven unsuccessful times (over a two day period) with no blood (I am pretty sure it made me sick the following day). So I am going to go to the local hospital lab on Friday and try again. Which is funny, because if it takes a week and a half to get results back, we will have our 16 week ultrasound and might get to know the gender before the results come back!
I can't believe we might get to 16 weeks. I never thought it'd be possible. Is that crazy? And after 16 weeks, wewill be at 20 weeks for the anatomy scan, and then we are halfway there. I always said if we reach 20 weeks I will start believing in this happening, and I stand by that.
So, 6 more weeks. That's my next milestone.
Still taking:
I talked to my cousin who is a pharmacist about taking the oral prometrium vaginally, and said that while it does help to get it 'right by the source', taking it orally is just as, if not more, effective. And despite the ladies on the boards, I am going to trust my pharmacist cousin.
So yes. That's where we're at. I'm toying with the idea of going to the Just Between Friends sale in the middle of April to see if we can get some used baby stuff - we need a crib, stroller, and bouncer, among many other things. Furniture. I'd love to get that all second hand. And by April we will be 21 weeks, so it might be okay... we'll see.
Life is weird. This process is weird. The amount of love I feel towards this tiny being with bones, toes, ears, a heartbeat, and tiny kidneys peeing into me... it's insurmountable. And I have so much hope and faith that this will be our Rainbow. I will still keep one foot in reality, because I know how the world can come crashing down, but for now, I'm dipping a toe into the waters of excitement.
P.S. Not knowing the gender is fine. I know everyone freaks out and needs to know. But I feel better not knowing. It feels more natural. Because the gender doesn't matter. It really doesn't. It's my child, and I love it no matter what. And I have not assigned it any personality besides a fiery little baby because of its sassy antics. But I would recommend to anyone going through this Rainbow experience that you wait to find out gender for a little while, because for some reason, not knowing is comforting. I don't think I'll want to know until 16 week scan, and not officially until 20 weeks. But maybe that's just my fear speaking.
P.P.S. I want to name it Pippa if it's a girl. Because Pippa means "Lover of Horses". Husband says no, so I'm hoping to sneak it in as a nickname ;)
P.P.P.S. They say you can't feel the baby for another 5 weeks or so, but I swear to you, I feel my uterus flip around. I don't feel kicks or anything, but I am pretty sure I feel it moving. I mean, it is the size of a peach afterall! I'm pretty sure you'd feel a peach in your uterus.
That's all for now....
Day by day.
-Emily
This has been a long-awaited day for me, and one that anxiety and hope has built and built as we got closer to. I know that there are still tons of problems that can happen after this day/week is over--I know that. But, I already feel so much better. I am half way through this day. No bleeding... knock on wood. Now spotting... knock on wood. This pregnancy has been so so different from the last one.
This morning I went baby hunting and found Bazby's beautiful heart pumping away. I recorded it today, because I want something to remember always. It's getting too big to disappear now, so I heard it floop around a little but stayed strong the whole time.
I am taking it easy, trying not to stress, and have started slowly telling my friends and coworkers.
The sad part? There will be no social media announcement. There will be no certainty. There will be no choosing names or planning a future. We are still scarred and trying to imagine a life where this ends in 9 months with a healthy child. I'm still terrified.
But slowly, I am getting more comfortable that this tiny human is growing. And okay. And we are fighting for it to live. Every decision is considered with the baby in mind. We are thinking about how we're going to set up a nursery, and items we could use for both this baby, or another baby if anything happens, I have my cloth diaper stash growing. (Cutest things in the world, btw... I can't wait to put them on a tiny baby!).
Every day is a small battle, and every morning that we wake up and find a healthy heartbeat with no bleeding is a win. It's all about winning those small battles, and before we know it, we will win the war. And I am going to start letting myself think this is okay.
This strong little fetus who decided it wanted to grow even when I thought it was impossible for it to exist. Just amazing.
So I went for Harmony and Cystic Fibrosis testing (NXGEN), and the lady at the lab stuck me seven unsuccessful times (over a two day period) with no blood (I am pretty sure it made me sick the following day). So I am going to go to the local hospital lab on Friday and try again. Which is funny, because if it takes a week and a half to get results back, we will have our 16 week ultrasound and might get to know the gender before the results come back!
I can't believe we might get to 16 weeks. I never thought it'd be possible. Is that crazy? And after 16 weeks, wewill be at 20 weeks for the anatomy scan, and then we are halfway there. I always said if we reach 20 weeks I will start believing in this happening, and I stand by that.
So, 6 more weeks. That's my next milestone.
Still taking:
- Baby Aspirin every other day
- PreNatal
- Fiber Gummies
- Prometrium 200mg 2x day
I talked to my cousin who is a pharmacist about taking the oral prometrium vaginally, and said that while it does help to get it 'right by the source', taking it orally is just as, if not more, effective. And despite the ladies on the boards, I am going to trust my pharmacist cousin.
So yes. That's where we're at. I'm toying with the idea of going to the Just Between Friends sale in the middle of April to see if we can get some used baby stuff - we need a crib, stroller, and bouncer, among many other things. Furniture. I'd love to get that all second hand. And by April we will be 21 weeks, so it might be okay... we'll see.
Life is weird. This process is weird. The amount of love I feel towards this tiny being with bones, toes, ears, a heartbeat, and tiny kidneys peeing into me... it's insurmountable. And I have so much hope and faith that this will be our Rainbow. I will still keep one foot in reality, because I know how the world can come crashing down, but for now, I'm dipping a toe into the waters of excitement.
P.S. Not knowing the gender is fine. I know everyone freaks out and needs to know. But I feel better not knowing. It feels more natural. Because the gender doesn't matter. It really doesn't. It's my child, and I love it no matter what. And I have not assigned it any personality besides a fiery little baby because of its sassy antics. But I would recommend to anyone going through this Rainbow experience that you wait to find out gender for a little while, because for some reason, not knowing is comforting. I don't think I'll want to know until 16 week scan, and not officially until 20 weeks. But maybe that's just my fear speaking.
P.P.S. I want to name it Pippa if it's a girl. Because Pippa means "Lover of Horses". Husband says no, so I'm hoping to sneak it in as a nickname ;)
P.P.P.S. They say you can't feel the baby for another 5 weeks or so, but I swear to you, I feel my uterus flip around. I don't feel kicks or anything, but I am pretty sure I feel it moving. I mean, it is the size of a peach afterall! I'm pretty sure you'd feel a peach in your uterus.
That's all for now....
Day by day.
-Emily
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
Weekly Update
Okay, let's see what is going on today.
What I can only describe as a grapefruit stuck in my uterus being pulled downward is what I felt all weekend. Not painful, just REALLY weird, and made me have to pee. A lot. I am feeling it again today, and hoping that it's just stretching and growing. Saturday we went baby hunting, and we were able to find the heartbeat before it flipped us the bird and disappeared into the murky layers of fatness.
I tried again this morning to no avail, I think after laying on my back so long it gets far enough away that I can't find it. But I'm not letting that get me down. Even my OB could not find it with a doppler last week, so it's nothing to be worried about.
The brown spotting appears to have stopped after literally doing NOTHING (but a minor grocery shop Saturday morning) for the whole weekend. I watched season 6 of Dance Moms and got caught up on Jane the Virgin, and by Monday the brown gunk was gone. I am not sure if bedrest is helping ,or if not being stressed at work is helping, but the weekends are proving to be very important to relax and heal. (The stress at work is pretty insurmountable, I'm going to have to take a big step back and evaluate what the hell I am doing, because I am not sure if it's baby hormones, or just the sheer magnitude of my responsibility, but I am overwhelmed.)
Yesterday my nausea was back, but today not so much. And my nipples were little rings of fire, but that seems to have backed off too. With that, and the doppler not producing a heartbeat today I am trying to stay calm. I know those things cause anxiety, but the mixed missing symptoms are weird, too. I am going to assume that it's because I am 12.4 today, and very close to my 2nd trimester when stuff (apparently) gets better.
My doctor is still keeping me on a 4 week schedule, which I am not sure is the best move, but she really doesn't think there is a problem. So I go back early March. I had a nice little conversation with myself in the middle of the night where I agreed not to panic or freak out and call until next Wednesday. If the brown stuff is back, the thick green gunk comes back after I pick up walking again (which I plan on doing Saturday since the weather will be nice, and it will test if the antibacterial meds she gave me did the trick), waiting until Wednesday gives me 5 days post treatment. It also gets me past the milestone of when we lost our first pregnancy. And I'm not going to lie, that day encroaching makes me a complete wreck. If I could, I would just take off work from now until then and relax at a spa and try to get my mind off of it. Instead, my husband is in college full time and I have to work, so here I am, wearing business attire and dealing with stressful people. Such is life, I'm not complaining, just saying what I'd be doing if I was independently wealthy (I'd be sleeping right now).
So, with the rising anxiety levels I have taken two quarter days from work on the next two fridays to try and have a little ray of sunshine to look forward to. And I've also started trying to do my meditation program daily, it really does help! I find that doing it midday actually gives me the most relief. I've also consciously decided that I need to stop obsessing, so I've gotten out my animation/video editing equipment and will start trying to do some freelance/volunteer work.
I scheduled a second opinion appointment for February 29th, which I need to decide if I want to keep. My doctor has done nothing wrong, but I also feel like we're entering the second trimester and I still have a lot of questions, and sitting in her office, as much as I love it, is EXTREMELY stressful. My heartrate rises and I relive what happened last time every time. I've also been going by myself, which I think my add to that. I know I need to man up and get over it, but as my husband says, I think I have a form of PTSD that only angel mamas can understand in this setting. Anyways, they sent the paperwork, and I guess it can't hurt to go see him. I just don't want my regular OB to know, because it has nothing to do with her--I really do love working with her, and she is super helpful and wants this to be successful. So maybe I am answering my own questions here, and should cancel. We'll see.
Okay so -- I got some gummy Omega 3s because I realzied my Rainbow Lite Prenatals did not have DHA. The expensive fancy stuff apparently makes me puke, so that had to end a few weeks ago. I also got fiber gummies, because I will tell you, the struggle is real sometimes. I'm taking those, along with Prometrium and Flagyl for the infection.
I read on some boards that even the oral prometrium should be used vaginally. I want to do a little more research on this and talk to the pharmacy technician. Apparently doctors prescribe it orally, but it is better vaginally. I don't know what to think about that. My levels went up appropriately as-is, but I wonder if it would have helped the low levels in the beginning? something to investigate for sure.
I also am finding that I'm getting little teensy red spots on my body. I don't know if it's a reaction to the Flagyl, a reaction to milk -- which I had some of for the first time in 9 months Sunday - or a reaction to the Burts Bees Belly Butter I've been putting on my stomach. I really am a terrible scientist. I start a whole bunch of new things at once. When the baby gets here, we're going to have to be careful to not do that as we work on figuring out food allergies.
So, despite my anxiety and fear, I am letting myself start thinking about the possibility that we will have a tiny human in August. I was researching cloth diapers, and I think that is what we're going to do. I was reading the Cotton Babies page on Facebook last night, and apparently people recommend having 25-30 diapers per baby. We currently have 2, which means we'll need to get one a month for the next 9 months. I think that is a good shower gift, so maybe not that many, and we wouldn't use them immediately, because I think we'll be in a crazy fog the first three months. But yea, see? Positive, I am starting to be a LITTLE positive. And I'm always hopeful.
Tomorrow afternoon I will go do the Harmony testing, and we'll see how things rae progressing. Every day I don't gush bright red blood is a good day. And by this time last time I had been having pink spottting daily, and been in the ER once already.
So, deep breaths, lots of prayers, warm relaxing baths, and lots of rest. As we move forward into this crazy second trimester.
-Emily
What I can only describe as a grapefruit stuck in my uterus being pulled downward is what I felt all weekend. Not painful, just REALLY weird, and made me have to pee. A lot. I am feeling it again today, and hoping that it's just stretching and growing. Saturday we went baby hunting, and we were able to find the heartbeat before it flipped us the bird and disappeared into the murky layers of fatness.
I tried again this morning to no avail, I think after laying on my back so long it gets far enough away that I can't find it. But I'm not letting that get me down. Even my OB could not find it with a doppler last week, so it's nothing to be worried about.
The brown spotting appears to have stopped after literally doing NOTHING (but a minor grocery shop Saturday morning) for the whole weekend. I watched season 6 of Dance Moms and got caught up on Jane the Virgin, and by Monday the brown gunk was gone. I am not sure if bedrest is helping ,or if not being stressed at work is helping, but the weekends are proving to be very important to relax and heal. (The stress at work is pretty insurmountable, I'm going to have to take a big step back and evaluate what the hell I am doing, because I am not sure if it's baby hormones, or just the sheer magnitude of my responsibility, but I am overwhelmed.)
Yesterday my nausea was back, but today not so much. And my nipples were little rings of fire, but that seems to have backed off too. With that, and the doppler not producing a heartbeat today I am trying to stay calm. I know those things cause anxiety, but the mixed missing symptoms are weird, too. I am going to assume that it's because I am 12.4 today, and very close to my 2nd trimester when stuff (apparently) gets better.
My doctor is still keeping me on a 4 week schedule, which I am not sure is the best move, but she really doesn't think there is a problem. So I go back early March. I had a nice little conversation with myself in the middle of the night where I agreed not to panic or freak out and call until next Wednesday. If the brown stuff is back, the thick green gunk comes back after I pick up walking again (which I plan on doing Saturday since the weather will be nice, and it will test if the antibacterial meds she gave me did the trick), waiting until Wednesday gives me 5 days post treatment. It also gets me past the milestone of when we lost our first pregnancy. And I'm not going to lie, that day encroaching makes me a complete wreck. If I could, I would just take off work from now until then and relax at a spa and try to get my mind off of it. Instead, my husband is in college full time and I have to work, so here I am, wearing business attire and dealing with stressful people. Such is life, I'm not complaining, just saying what I'd be doing if I was independently wealthy (I'd be sleeping right now).
So, with the rising anxiety levels I have taken two quarter days from work on the next two fridays to try and have a little ray of sunshine to look forward to. And I've also started trying to do my meditation program daily, it really does help! I find that doing it midday actually gives me the most relief. I've also consciously decided that I need to stop obsessing, so I've gotten out my animation/video editing equipment and will start trying to do some freelance/volunteer work.
I scheduled a second opinion appointment for February 29th, which I need to decide if I want to keep. My doctor has done nothing wrong, but I also feel like we're entering the second trimester and I still have a lot of questions, and sitting in her office, as much as I love it, is EXTREMELY stressful. My heartrate rises and I relive what happened last time every time. I've also been going by myself, which I think my add to that. I know I need to man up and get over it, but as my husband says, I think I have a form of PTSD that only angel mamas can understand in this setting. Anyways, they sent the paperwork, and I guess it can't hurt to go see him. I just don't want my regular OB to know, because it has nothing to do with her--I really do love working with her, and she is super helpful and wants this to be successful. So maybe I am answering my own questions here, and should cancel. We'll see.
Okay so -- I got some gummy Omega 3s because I realzied my Rainbow Lite Prenatals did not have DHA. The expensive fancy stuff apparently makes me puke, so that had to end a few weeks ago. I also got fiber gummies, because I will tell you, the struggle is real sometimes. I'm taking those, along with Prometrium and Flagyl for the infection.
I read on some boards that even the oral prometrium should be used vaginally. I want to do a little more research on this and talk to the pharmacy technician. Apparently doctors prescribe it orally, but it is better vaginally. I don't know what to think about that. My levels went up appropriately as-is, but I wonder if it would have helped the low levels in the beginning? something to investigate for sure.
I also am finding that I'm getting little teensy red spots on my body. I don't know if it's a reaction to the Flagyl, a reaction to milk -- which I had some of for the first time in 9 months Sunday - or a reaction to the Burts Bees Belly Butter I've been putting on my stomach. I really am a terrible scientist. I start a whole bunch of new things at once. When the baby gets here, we're going to have to be careful to not do that as we work on figuring out food allergies.
So, despite my anxiety and fear, I am letting myself start thinking about the possibility that we will have a tiny human in August. I was researching cloth diapers, and I think that is what we're going to do. I was reading the Cotton Babies page on Facebook last night, and apparently people recommend having 25-30 diapers per baby. We currently have 2, which means we'll need to get one a month for the next 9 months. I think that is a good shower gift, so maybe not that many, and we wouldn't use them immediately, because I think we'll be in a crazy fog the first three months. But yea, see? Positive, I am starting to be a LITTLE positive. And I'm always hopeful.
Tomorrow afternoon I will go do the Harmony testing, and we'll see how things rae progressing. Every day I don't gush bright red blood is a good day. And by this time last time I had been having pink spottting daily, and been in the ER once already.
So, deep breaths, lots of prayers, warm relaxing baths, and lots of rest. As we move forward into this crazy second trimester.
-Emily
Thursday, February 11, 2016
Apparently relaxation = bleeding
Went for our 12 week appointment yesterday. The doctor did an US and we saw Bazby in there jumping around, she could barely get the heartrate because it wouldn't be still! From what little I know about Nuchal tests, I think everything looked good, but we aren't doing a nuchal this time since we are doing the DNA screening for genetic disorders.
The doctor did not measure the baby, so I do not know if it is growing correctly, but it LOOKED like a 12 week old fetus - bones, jaw, moving around. She also didn't look at the uterus as a whole, so I don't know what is going on with the hematoma.
Since I have been having that gross discharge, she prescribed an antibiotic for a week, which is good, hoping that clears up. And my weight was down 1lb! Which, I know isn't a lot, but all things considered, I am happy. I made a deal with myself to get my Mama Bear shirt, but with the way our finances are, I Just can't justify spending the money. So that will wait for now.
Everything looked great, I went home excited. Heartrate was 170 so coming down closer to 'average'. I started letting myself get excited that tomorrow is our last day in the second trimester...
And I woke up to brown spotting.
What the fuck?!
I can't catch a damn break. I don't understand why this is happening. Can I literally stress myself into bleeding? This was when I would be on my period, so is it that? I'm so nervous, and the closer we get to the day we lost our angel I think the more anxious I will be. February 22 is the age Scrumbles left us, so I think I'll need to get past that day before I relax. And then to 20 weeks. and then to 40 weeks. and then until the baby is grown. And probably past that. But for right now I can feel my anxiety ramping up. I know it's not healthy, and I am meditating and trying to be calm, but it's very very hard. Especially with bleeding (even brown).
I will continue taking prenatals, prometrium, aspirin, and omega 3s. I will continue to eat as healthy as possible and lose weight.
But I am a freaking mess.
-Emily
The doctor did not measure the baby, so I do not know if it is growing correctly, but it LOOKED like a 12 week old fetus - bones, jaw, moving around. She also didn't look at the uterus as a whole, so I don't know what is going on with the hematoma.
Since I have been having that gross discharge, she prescribed an antibiotic for a week, which is good, hoping that clears up. And my weight was down 1lb! Which, I know isn't a lot, but all things considered, I am happy. I made a deal with myself to get my Mama Bear shirt, but with the way our finances are, I Just can't justify spending the money. So that will wait for now.
Everything looked great, I went home excited. Heartrate was 170 so coming down closer to 'average'. I started letting myself get excited that tomorrow is our last day in the second trimester...
And I woke up to brown spotting.
What the fuck?!
I can't catch a damn break. I don't understand why this is happening. Can I literally stress myself into bleeding? This was when I would be on my period, so is it that? I'm so nervous, and the closer we get to the day we lost our angel I think the more anxious I will be. February 22 is the age Scrumbles left us, so I think I'll need to get past that day before I relax. And then to 20 weeks. and then to 40 weeks. and then until the baby is grown. And probably past that. But for right now I can feel my anxiety ramping up. I know it's not healthy, and I am meditating and trying to be calm, but it's very very hard. Especially with bleeding (even brown).
I will continue taking prenatals, prometrium, aspirin, and omega 3s. I will continue to eat as healthy as possible and lose weight.
But I am a freaking mess.
-Emily
Monday, February 8, 2016
Irritation, Exhaustion, Confusion
Happy Monday, everybody.
What a weekend. I definitely did way too much, and now I don't feel like it was at all relaxing, so I am more tired now than I was on Friday. And by Friday night my brain was a pile of gray mush.
Saturday we did a big shop, and I helped my mom look for a new gym. By helped, I mean I went with her to one gym and we did a short tour. After that, we came home, I took a 2 hour nap, went to bed at 8, and woke up at 7 the next morning. Sunday, I did laundry, and then went to a Superbowl party after taking a 15 minute walk.
Well, as great as the walk felt, I am not doing that again for a while. Immediately following I had more green discharge. And this morning even more. It looks like it could possibly be (TMI) mucus plug? Or an infection? But it's definitely not normal, and I didn't have it last time. I am going to see if my OB will do a test on it, or get her feedback. It's not something I enjoy dealing with. BUT the fact that it is green and not blood is, I think, better.
So yea, back on that modified bedrest. Every time I feel better, I overdo it. So no more of that. This upcoming weekend will be spent laying around, maybe putting laundry away, and trying to heal. That being said, I have been looking for ward to this week for 11 weeks now. This is the big one! We get our NT ultrasound that tests for downs. We get the harmony test done to tests for genetic mutations, and we find out gender. At the US, we will also get a look at that SCH again and see what is happening. I think by Friday of this week we will know a whole lot more about what is going on, which will help us kind of chart out what might happen.
So now I just have to get through the week until Wednesday. I am super impatient, and not gonna lie, trying to focus on work is proving to be nearly impossible. Especially because I keep getting people wanting really crazy things that I've never seen before, which requires like ten additional steps and often times, I still don't have answers.
My irritation is pretty much through the roof, and I can't do anything to fix it except meditate and avoid contact with humans.
I have also noticed that loud noises are the bane of my existence. Particularly voices. I am a wretched human being right now, and I don't even care!
*EMPOWERMENT* Just have to be careful I don't say something I regret.
I also found an awesome lady on one of my boards who is inspiring me to eat better and *try* to workout. She is in a similar situation, and I feel less alone dealing with what I've been through. It's okay to be not okay. And it's also okay to be okay. And knowing I'm not along is something that helps me a lot. My husband starts his spring semester today, so he is going to be pretty preoccupied. Now that I've set up space for my desk I think I'll be able to start doing more digital projects and help pass the time. Passing the time is my goal right now.
With the hope that Wednesday gets here relatively painlessly.
Come on, Bazby. We can do this. Grow grow grow, healthy and strong.
-Emily
What a weekend. I definitely did way too much, and now I don't feel like it was at all relaxing, so I am more tired now than I was on Friday. And by Friday night my brain was a pile of gray mush.
Saturday we did a big shop, and I helped my mom look for a new gym. By helped, I mean I went with her to one gym and we did a short tour. After that, we came home, I took a 2 hour nap, went to bed at 8, and woke up at 7 the next morning. Sunday, I did laundry, and then went to a Superbowl party after taking a 15 minute walk.
Well, as great as the walk felt, I am not doing that again for a while. Immediately following I had more green discharge. And this morning even more. It looks like it could possibly be (TMI) mucus plug? Or an infection? But it's definitely not normal, and I didn't have it last time. I am going to see if my OB will do a test on it, or get her feedback. It's not something I enjoy dealing with. BUT the fact that it is green and not blood is, I think, better.
So yea, back on that modified bedrest. Every time I feel better, I overdo it. So no more of that. This upcoming weekend will be spent laying around, maybe putting laundry away, and trying to heal. That being said, I have been looking for ward to this week for 11 weeks now. This is the big one! We get our NT ultrasound that tests for downs. We get the harmony test done to tests for genetic mutations, and we find out gender. At the US, we will also get a look at that SCH again and see what is happening. I think by Friday of this week we will know a whole lot more about what is going on, which will help us kind of chart out what might happen.
So now I just have to get through the week until Wednesday. I am super impatient, and not gonna lie, trying to focus on work is proving to be nearly impossible. Especially because I keep getting people wanting really crazy things that I've never seen before, which requires like ten additional steps and often times, I still don't have answers.
My irritation is pretty much through the roof, and I can't do anything to fix it except meditate and avoid contact with humans.
I have also noticed that loud noises are the bane of my existence. Particularly voices. I am a wretched human being right now, and I don't even care!
*EMPOWERMENT* Just have to be careful I don't say something I regret.
I also found an awesome lady on one of my boards who is inspiring me to eat better and *try* to workout. She is in a similar situation, and I feel less alone dealing with what I've been through. It's okay to be not okay. And it's also okay to be okay. And knowing I'm not along is something that helps me a lot. My husband starts his spring semester today, so he is going to be pretty preoccupied. Now that I've set up space for my desk I think I'll be able to start doing more digital projects and help pass the time. Passing the time is my goal right now.
With the hope that Wednesday gets here relatively painlessly.
Come on, Bazby. We can do this. Grow grow grow, healthy and strong.
-Emily
Wednesday, February 3, 2016
Spring Cleaning
I read an interesting article last night that said patients who are told to log symptoms had almost double the amount of negative feelings, perceived worsening symptoms, or additional symptoms. Apparently, the practice of writing out problems adds to them, almost like a snowball growing as it rolls down a hill (and eventually turning into an avalanche).
With that in mind, I want to change the format of my journaling slightly. I still am going to be 100% honest about what I'm experiencing, but I will try to throw in some positives, too. Sometimes, the positives get lost in the craziness.
After my crazy cleaning frenzy on Sunday, I have officially slowed down on the brown bleeding. There is still slight discharge, but it is nothing like that Monday afternoon. This tells me I need to keep taking it easy until that baby gets a little bigger. Next Tuesday is the appointment, and I'm hoping we get a scan scheduled quickly so we can get an idea of what is happening. I decided to keep taking the aspirin. After reading several studies and outcomes across the globe, there appears to be very little evidence that baby aspirin causes defects. And for women with clotting issues, is used to almost term. I do not think I will need to take it to term, but I think I am okay for now. Again, we'll see what happens next week. The hematoma shrunk from week 8 to week 10 and I was not taking the aspirin, so maybe I will wait until next week to see if it is continuing to go down in size.
I will tell you, I keep a pair of "miscarriage" pants in my work bag, in case I get another huge gush of blood. Is that morbid? Probably. but it makes me feel better. And I am yet to get excited. I've mentally told myself that 20 weeks I will start feeling better. But sometimes, I let just the smallest inkling of positivity through, and I realize how truly, fully, 100% I want this child happy and healthy.
So, some positive things I've been experiencing, that maybe don't sound positive, but since I didn't have these last time, they are positive to me -
See? There are positives this time that I did not have last time, and because of that, I am going to hope and pray that this baby is healthy, and we are on track. :) The higher heart rate still gives me pause, but I will ask the doctor about that next week.
I also think we might be getting closer to the second trimester physically, because I am no longer dead asleep by 6pm. It's good stuff.
Anyways, as always, I will keep this updated with my decisions and what I'm doing. Unfortunately, I was not able to keep taking all my vitamins. It just made me gag. So I need to get back to it. Progesterone, pre natal, and vinger for now. I want to add back in vitamin K and e and omega 3s. I am stopping by Target today to grab some more.
Alright, that's it for today.
-Emily
With that in mind, I want to change the format of my journaling slightly. I still am going to be 100% honest about what I'm experiencing, but I will try to throw in some positives, too. Sometimes, the positives get lost in the craziness.
After my crazy cleaning frenzy on Sunday, I have officially slowed down on the brown bleeding. There is still slight discharge, but it is nothing like that Monday afternoon. This tells me I need to keep taking it easy until that baby gets a little bigger. Next Tuesday is the appointment, and I'm hoping we get a scan scheduled quickly so we can get an idea of what is happening. I decided to keep taking the aspirin. After reading several studies and outcomes across the globe, there appears to be very little evidence that baby aspirin causes defects. And for women with clotting issues, is used to almost term. I do not think I will need to take it to term, but I think I am okay for now. Again, we'll see what happens next week. The hematoma shrunk from week 8 to week 10 and I was not taking the aspirin, so maybe I will wait until next week to see if it is continuing to go down in size.
I will tell you, I keep a pair of "miscarriage" pants in my work bag, in case I get another huge gush of blood. Is that morbid? Probably. but it makes me feel better. And I am yet to get excited. I've mentally told myself that 20 weeks I will start feeling better. But sometimes, I let just the smallest inkling of positivity through, and I realize how truly, fully, 100% I want this child happy and healthy.
So, some positive things I've been experiencing, that maybe don't sound positive, but since I didn't have these last time, they are positive to me -
- OUTRAGEOUS hormones. I am a nut job. Seriously. Everything makes me weep, or angry, or happy. And it bounces around hourly. I'm not even kidding you, this is insane.
- Nausea. Every morning, sometimes gagging, often times smell-based, rarely puking (only once) but just extreme nausea.
- Fatigue (okay that was there last time :) ).
- Constipation. Prune juice every night is what the doctor ordered. Once I get too backed up I feel like I am the size of a beach ball. It's nuts! Our friends told us that they had the husband physically clean out the wife's bottom side when it happened. That's not even an option for us, so prune juice it is.
- Food aversions and cravings. Last time I wanted Mac n Cheese and fried chicken. This time I want fruit juice, cakes, sweets, and FRESH food. I will walk an extra mile to get something that looks "real" instead of something processed. (let's hope that mentality continues on)
- Knock on wood, no major bleeds. I might kick myself for saying this if it does happen, but for now I'm going to count my blessings that I have not had one of these yet.
- Nipples feel like tiny little needs are stabbing them anytime they get rubbed up against, knocked, or touched. They are ANGRY.
See? There are positives this time that I did not have last time, and because of that, I am going to hope and pray that this baby is healthy, and we are on track. :) The higher heart rate still gives me pause, but I will ask the doctor about that next week.
I also think we might be getting closer to the second trimester physically, because I am no longer dead asleep by 6pm. It's good stuff.
Anyways, as always, I will keep this updated with my decisions and what I'm doing. Unfortunately, I was not able to keep taking all my vitamins. It just made me gag. So I need to get back to it. Progesterone, pre natal, and vinger for now. I want to add back in vitamin K and e and omega 3s. I am stopping by Target today to grab some more.
Alright, that's it for today.
-Emily
Monday, February 1, 2016
Monday Morning Update
What a weekend.
We officially handed over the keys to our old apartment and I spent the entire morning Sunday cleaning the crap out of that place. It is sparkling! (We want our deposit back). Saturday, I did NOTHING. I raked a few leaves, but mostly sat around and watched Master Chef Junior. It was lovely.
So, as you know, Friday we found the new small hematoma that is reportedly healing. *Fingers Crossed*. By Saturday the brown bleeding had all but stopped. Sunday morning I woke up, cleaned the apartment, then went out to visit my mom's horse and tried not to do to much, but I know I overdid it. As evidenced by the fact that the bleeding returned. Still only slight, but last night into this morning it is back.
Now that we are done with the apartment, I am officially putting myself on modified bedrest. It is couch time only from here, with the daily 15 minute walk to try to keep the weight off. Next doctor's visit is Feb 10th, and I'm thinking she'll schedule the nuchal scan and harmony testing, so I'm hoping next Friday we'll see the baby again and check on the hematoma.
Until then, it is going to be trying to relax.
As far as workouts - I decided not to join the gym yet. With the bleeding, it just doesn't make sense, especially because my old gym is just on hold, and I will have five months to pay for that after the baby arrives (If everything goes as planned), so I don't want to over commit financially. That means that I will be walking the neighborhood and trying to get a mid-day walk around campus in. And also trying to control my diet. I've made a bargain with myself that if I can be under 300 lbs ( I was 301 last appt) at my next OB appointment, and everything looks okay with the baby, I am getting a new Raw Threads "Mama Bear" shirt. It's little goals that I need to look forward to to keep on track as the whole idea of 6.5 months left of pregnancy is hitting me like a bag of rocks. (it feels like forever).
Also, I have decided that if I can get some debt paid off by June, I will sign up for Princess Half (or maybe just the 10k) for next February. It'd be the first trip with the baby, a short weekend trip to Disney, a chance to get out, and a motivation to get moving again after August. That is my goal, we'll see how it goes. . . .
Anyways, last night I was in pain. My body was sore, my uterus was sore, I didn't sleep well. So the moral of the story is - take care of your body, and relax. Growing a human is hard.
-Emily
We officially handed over the keys to our old apartment and I spent the entire morning Sunday cleaning the crap out of that place. It is sparkling! (We want our deposit back). Saturday, I did NOTHING. I raked a few leaves, but mostly sat around and watched Master Chef Junior. It was lovely.
So, as you know, Friday we found the new small hematoma that is reportedly healing. *Fingers Crossed*. By Saturday the brown bleeding had all but stopped. Sunday morning I woke up, cleaned the apartment, then went out to visit my mom's horse and tried not to do to much, but I know I overdid it. As evidenced by the fact that the bleeding returned. Still only slight, but last night into this morning it is back.
Now that we are done with the apartment, I am officially putting myself on modified bedrest. It is couch time only from here, with the daily 15 minute walk to try to keep the weight off. Next doctor's visit is Feb 10th, and I'm thinking she'll schedule the nuchal scan and harmony testing, so I'm hoping next Friday we'll see the baby again and check on the hematoma.
Until then, it is going to be trying to relax.
As far as workouts - I decided not to join the gym yet. With the bleeding, it just doesn't make sense, especially because my old gym is just on hold, and I will have five months to pay for that after the baby arrives (If everything goes as planned), so I don't want to over commit financially. That means that I will be walking the neighborhood and trying to get a mid-day walk around campus in. And also trying to control my diet. I've made a bargain with myself that if I can be under 300 lbs ( I was 301 last appt) at my next OB appointment, and everything looks okay with the baby, I am getting a new Raw Threads "Mama Bear" shirt. It's little goals that I need to look forward to to keep on track as the whole idea of 6.5 months left of pregnancy is hitting me like a bag of rocks. (it feels like forever).
Also, I have decided that if I can get some debt paid off by June, I will sign up for Princess Half (or maybe just the 10k) for next February. It'd be the first trip with the baby, a short weekend trip to Disney, a chance to get out, and a motivation to get moving again after August. That is my goal, we'll see how it goes. . . .
Anyways, last night I was in pain. My body was sore, my uterus was sore, I didn't sleep well. So the moral of the story is - take care of your body, and relax. Growing a human is hard.
-Emily
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