Apparently relaxation = bleeding

Went for our 12 week appointment yesterday. The doctor did an US and we saw Bazby in there jumping around, she could barely get the heartrate because it wouldn't be still!  From what little I know about Nuchal tests, I think everything looked good, but we aren't doing a nuchal this time since we are doing the DNA screening for genetic disorders. 

The doctor did not measure the baby, so I do not know if it is growing correctly, but it LOOKED like a 12 week old fetus - bones, jaw, moving around. She also didn't look at the uterus as a whole, so I don't know what is going on with the hematoma. 

Since I have been having that gross discharge, she prescribed an antibiotic for a week, which is good, hoping that clears up. And my weight was down 1lb! Which, I know isn't a lot, but all things considered, I am happy. I made a deal with myself to get my Mama Bear shirt, but with the way our finances are, I Just can't justify spending the money. So that will wait for now. 

Everything looked great, I went home excited. Heartrate was 170 so coming down closer to 'average'. I started letting myself get excited that tomorrow is our last day in the second trimester...

And I woke up to brown spotting. 

What the fuck?! 

I can't catch a damn break. I don't understand why this is happening. Can I literally stress myself into bleeding? This was when I would be on my period, so is it that? I'm so nervous, and the closer we get to the day we lost our angel I think the more anxious I will be.  February 22 is the age Scrumbles left us, so I think I'll need to get past that day before I relax. And then to 20 weeks. and then to 40 weeks. and then until the baby is grown. And probably past that. But for right now I can feel my anxiety ramping up. I know it's not healthy, and I am meditating and trying to be calm, but it's very very hard. Especially with bleeding (even brown). 

I will continue taking prenatals, prometrium, aspirin, and omega 3s. I will continue to eat as healthy as possible and lose weight.

But I am a freaking mess. 
-Emily