Growth scan at 31 weeks complete. What we learned? Baby is head down, way back by my spine ( thank you, Baby!) completely tucked away and padded and... big. I mean, like, 90th percentile big. Thank you, Gestational Diabetes.
She is also just genetically predisposed to being big -- her mommy and daddy are tall and huge!
So, here is what we could pick up from reading the screen as the tech was working her magic -
Skull - measuring 31 weeks, 5 days
Tummy - measuring 32 weeks
Thigh bone - measuring 34 weeks
Most of the other measurements were around 32 weeks, and had an EDD of 8/17/2016. Which is about ten days early. Which is about what I have been saying (a week early). Since my doctor has already mentioned c-section, I have a feeling if baby doesn't come on her own, she won't let her get too big and we will have a cut off time.
The weight guess is 4 lbs 10 ounces. Which has a +/- variance of 1 lb. So she is between 3 lbs 10 oz - 5 lbs 10 oz. "average" for this age is 3 lbs 3 ounces, which means no matter what, we're ahead of average. Which we knew.
I do feel like less of a pansy for all this pain I feel since she is probbly around 4 lbs. I mean, if she was 2 lbs and I was hurting this much it'd be like "come on, girl, get over it" but considering she is almost baby-sized, I feel a little better!
So yes, 9 weeks to go... 1/2 a pound added each week, means 4.5 more pounds, or putting us around 9lb 2oz. Eegads.
Still just waiting on a call from my doctor to get her official feedback. I doubt she'll move our EDD, but I know we'll be watching this baby and my blood pressure pretty closely.
Also, she has her daddy's chin. She's going to look like him sooo much. That's my guess/hope, anyways. :)
More next Wednesday when we go in for our very first non-stress test, and another appointment.
-Em
Showing posts with label hematoma. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hematoma. Show all posts
Friday, June 24, 2016
Thursday, June 2, 2016
The Final Countdown
My OB said it best with, "I can't believe you're entering into the third trimester already!"
... How are we only twelve weeks way from baby time? I mean, twelve weeks is going to probably feel like twelve months... but it does feel like the past 28 weeks have been a blur (a blur of stress, anxiety, doctors visits, and concern. But a blur, nonetheless).
Yesterday we had our 28 week appointment. Much to my dismay, there was no fundal height measuring, no cervix checking, and no belly width measurements. I was under the impression that starting at 28 weeks we started getting measured. So I left the doctor's office pretty upset and anxious. Then I talked to my friends and cousins, and apparently if everything is "normal" they won't start looking for problems until a little later. Okay... seems okay to me. Next appointment I will be asking about what the measurements will be, how things will be tracked, and getting more information. The not knowing for someone with my personality is the worse. I get let down any time I have an expectation. So next appointment (in two weeks) we will be setting expectations.
Diabetes Update - I officially have crossed the threshold into Gestational Diabetes (earlier I was just dipping my toes in the diabetic waters). My morning numbers range from 85-97, putting my on the high end of normal. Tuesday I went to the GD training session, and I have to say, I would recommend all pregnant women attend this type of training. It teaches you how to eat to feed the baby, which is really valuable and I was definitely doing it wrong. I was cutting too many carbs, so all weekend I felt sick, nauseous and light-headed. I think that also was a stomach bug I inherited from a coworker. That all combined was no good. But now that I'm trying to follow my customized meal plan, things seem to be better. I am not eating enough carbs during my snacks, and eating too many during meals, which is why my levels are spiking. So we are going to try to level it out by bumping the carbs throughout the day. The best way to look at the gd diet is as a daily budget. I am allowed 12-14 carbs a day (most women get 10-12, but I'm a big girl). So I need to spend them wisely and evenly. If you are on the borderline of a GD diagnosis, I recommend just taking the plunge and going to the class. You will learn a lot!
The follow up session will be next Tuesday when we go over my food and numbers and see how things are progressing. Crazy!
As far as the pregnancy, things seem okay. Baby is kicking away. Last night I did the first official kick count. My stomach sometimes feels bloated and detached, and it is painful, but I imagine that will only continue as it gets bigger. She kicks a lot and I love it. I love feeling her in there. Even when she does the creepy little tiny movements down by my pantyline.
Swimming has offiically started, too. Since my hips seem to be deteriorating in strength, the pool will be my go-to. I have committed to three days of swimming a week. Doable, depending on weather. Once we get into July I doubt weather will be a big factor, as it's always in the 90s+ and hot and sunny here. So that's good stuff.
Overall a good update. I will say the hormones are OUT OF CONTROL. I am sad, mad, irritated, angry, upset, excited, elated... constantly. I am rarely even. I know I was somewhat of a rollercoaster before, but this morning I woke up and found out my husband threw away my lunch for today, and I wanted to throw myself on the floor and throw a tantrum. It is amazing the spikes in emotion!
Alrighty, well, that's it for now. OH, I got the Rhogam shot, and a blood draw for something. And a prescriptiong for TDapp. (That's whooping cough I believe). Crazy to think we're so close now...
-Emily
... How are we only twelve weeks way from baby time? I mean, twelve weeks is going to probably feel like twelve months... but it does feel like the past 28 weeks have been a blur (a blur of stress, anxiety, doctors visits, and concern. But a blur, nonetheless).
Yesterday we had our 28 week appointment. Much to my dismay, there was no fundal height measuring, no cervix checking, and no belly width measurements. I was under the impression that starting at 28 weeks we started getting measured. So I left the doctor's office pretty upset and anxious. Then I talked to my friends and cousins, and apparently if everything is "normal" they won't start looking for problems until a little later. Okay... seems okay to me. Next appointment I will be asking about what the measurements will be, how things will be tracked, and getting more information. The not knowing for someone with my personality is the worse. I get let down any time I have an expectation. So next appointment (in two weeks) we will be setting expectations.
Diabetes Update - I officially have crossed the threshold into Gestational Diabetes (earlier I was just dipping my toes in the diabetic waters). My morning numbers range from 85-97, putting my on the high end of normal. Tuesday I went to the GD training session, and I have to say, I would recommend all pregnant women attend this type of training. It teaches you how to eat to feed the baby, which is really valuable and I was definitely doing it wrong. I was cutting too many carbs, so all weekend I felt sick, nauseous and light-headed. I think that also was a stomach bug I inherited from a coworker. That all combined was no good. But now that I'm trying to follow my customized meal plan, things seem to be better. I am not eating enough carbs during my snacks, and eating too many during meals, which is why my levels are spiking. So we are going to try to level it out by bumping the carbs throughout the day. The best way to look at the gd diet is as a daily budget. I am allowed 12-14 carbs a day (most women get 10-12, but I'm a big girl). So I need to spend them wisely and evenly. If you are on the borderline of a GD diagnosis, I recommend just taking the plunge and going to the class. You will learn a lot!
The follow up session will be next Tuesday when we go over my food and numbers and see how things are progressing. Crazy!
As far as the pregnancy, things seem okay. Baby is kicking away. Last night I did the first official kick count. My stomach sometimes feels bloated and detached, and it is painful, but I imagine that will only continue as it gets bigger. She kicks a lot and I love it. I love feeling her in there. Even when she does the creepy little tiny movements down by my pantyline.
Swimming has offiically started, too. Since my hips seem to be deteriorating in strength, the pool will be my go-to. I have committed to three days of swimming a week. Doable, depending on weather. Once we get into July I doubt weather will be a big factor, as it's always in the 90s+ and hot and sunny here. So that's good stuff.
Overall a good update. I will say the hormones are OUT OF CONTROL. I am sad, mad, irritated, angry, upset, excited, elated... constantly. I am rarely even. I know I was somewhat of a rollercoaster before, but this morning I woke up and found out my husband threw away my lunch for today, and I wanted to throw myself on the floor and throw a tantrum. It is amazing the spikes in emotion!
Alrighty, well, that's it for now. OH, I got the Rhogam shot, and a blood draw for something. And a prescriptiong for TDapp. (That's whooping cough I believe). Crazy to think we're so close now...
-Emily
Monday, May 9, 2016
24 weeks and feeling pregnant
As we delve deeper into this pregnancy, I feel like I'm speaking less and less about hematomas, clotting, and blood disorders. For that, I apologize. But I think the logging of symptoms and this pregnancy are important going forward. Either if things go well, or not, then I have something to look back on.
I am now 24 weeks, 3 days. We have 15 weeks left until our life is changing forever.
She wants my fasting to be under 95, and my after eating to be below 145. So far the highest I've gone is 148, otherwise I'm around 130, 120 ish. I have, however, noticed that I dropped weight. I was down to 298 this morning. So it seems as though carefully monitoring my intake and eating 6 small meals a day is helping. For that, I am grateful. Even though my fingers hurt, this is a great thing for me to retrain my body.
I am now 24 weeks, 3 days. We have 15 weeks left until our life is changing forever.
I didn't get to see her at our last appointment, and it sounds like if I want to see her again I'll have to pay to go somewhere on my own. We are debating that, but it's very expensive, and might not be something we need to do. At the appointment I gained 3 lbs, but that was because I was weighed after work. My last appointments were all in the morning, and my daily weigh-in is not changing. I would have been 299 or 300, but not 302.6 (which is what it was at their office).
My doctor told me I'd need to go back and do two more glucose tests - this week, and again at 28 weeks. or I could opt to treat myself like I had Gestational Diabetes, and monitor my blood sugars daily. Since I don't want to use another day off to get stabbed at the blood place, I opted to monitor at home. My fingers are sore and bruised already, but it's getting easier. And my sugars have been well below the limits except for Saturday when I had McDonalds, which, I knew wouldn't be a good thing.
She wants my fasting to be under 95, and my after eating to be below 145. So far the highest I've gone is 148, otherwise I'm around 130, 120 ish. I have, however, noticed that I dropped weight. I was down to 298 this morning. So it seems as though carefully monitoring my intake and eating 6 small meals a day is helping. For that, I am grateful. Even though my fingers hurt, this is a great thing for me to retrain my body.
Anyways, I was pretty active this weekend. Went to the barn and saw my mom's horse, went to lunch and on Saturday I spent an hour in therapy. All of that moving around has my hips aching today. Very painful, but I'm glad this week at work should be pretty low-key. I am hoping to sit as much as possible. And then we have two more weeks and POOLS OPEN! I cannot wait to get in the water. My new swim suit came (from target, and it fits perfectly!) And I'm ready for that. I want to add exercise back in, but don't want my hips to hurt like they do. I do think that by the end of this I will not have gained any weight. we are being very vigilant, and once I can add exercise back in, I know we'll get even better.
For me? That is huge. Food and weight rules me, but I'm learning how strong I am, and how I can control my body, and this is going to be great going into the future.
Some other things -- last night baby girl changed her moving. It was less like kicks, and more like I could feel her shifting around. I think she's getting bigger and I can really feel her movement now. Well over a pound now, she is a force to be reckoned with! This morning she kicked my side and I felt it on my arm! And she is also kicking my butt. I know that's weird? I thought it was gas, but I'm pretty sure it's actually her. So she's a moving baby. There are still slow times, and I tell her to wake up baby, let me know you're okay. And she usually does. And when she hears her daddy's voice she stops moving entirely and listens. Then when he stops talking she goes nuts.
It's amazing, that she is such a little person already. :)
Yesterday my mom and I started planning out the nursery. I think it's going to be cute. Pink, purple and gray with carousel horses! And now all I need furniture-wise is a changing table. Which should be pretty easy to find to match the room (white).
I love this little girl so much. I want her so badly, and I am so eager for everything to go okay. So, prayers are going up constantly for her to make it here healthy and happy.
Oh, another thing! I FOUND A BABYSITTER! Ahhhhh. Sooooo freaking relieved. We have to go meet her and make sure everyone gets along, but we have a babysiter, she's taking one baby this fall, and we'll go part time. So my husband can stay in school and still work a day or two. it's going to be very,very tight money-wise, and we could really use some help with bills, but she is affordable enough that we can do two days a week, and maaaybe three if something changes by then (i.e. I get a raise).
So, things are falling into place. <3 Therapy is also helping me see that I can be happy. I don't have to be sad to make things have a positive outcome. I don't have that kind of control, so I'm trying to just let go, have faith, pray, and love this child.
-Emily
Monday, April 25, 2016
Antibacterials.
Flagyl is available as a generic termed metronidazole. Common side effects for Flagyl, Flagyl ER and Flagyl Injection include nausea, abdominal cramps, stomach upset, vomiting, diarrhea, constipation, headache, weight loss (anorexia), dizziness, or a metallic taste in the mouth.
-Wikipedia
Hello, welcome to my life for the past week!
The green mucus discharge came back, and while my OB prescribed flagyl, we hoped it'd go away before I had to take it. Well, it didn't. So I started the round of anti-bacterials again. It's not fun. The metallic taste is almost the worst side effect, but I mean, they're all not really pleasant. And the constant stomach pain makes me think I'm miscarrying.
Thank God for modern medicine--only a few years ago an infection could cause not only a loss, but a death for the mother. So yay for that! I won't complain too much. But I am so ready to be done with the Flagyl. And I'm SO READY to be closer to 30 weeks so I feel safer about baby if anything happens.
Anywho, aside from the above side effects, I also think (after talking with my doctor and doing some reading) that I have Pelvic Girdle Pain. I can barely lift my legs in bed. Rolling over is a struggle, and by the end of the day it hurts to stand. I tried walking, thinking I was just stiff, but it seems to make it worse. I just need to get to May 25th so pools open and I can swim. it's one of the few physical activities that doesn't hurt the hips, so come on summer, let's get these pools rolling! :)
Let's see, what else. I think I am feeling some movement, but nothing externally yet. I am hoping by 28 weeks my husband will be able to feel something. Again, it could just be gas from the Flagyl. But I'm pretty sure it's the baby. not much today, but she was pretty active yesterday, so I am thinking she's just tired today.
Work -
My brain is so foggy, you guys. I can hardly keep anything straight. even with crazy detailed notes. It is getting harder and harder to keep up, and we're extraordinarily busy right now. I also am struggling with caring. I know that's horrible. But I have a meeting today that is going to require some finesse and creative thinking to avoid pitfalls, and I just don't have the energy. I don't know how we're going to make it through four more months. Trust me, I want her to stay in there nice and healthy, but I'm going to really need some kind of help with mental clarity to make it through.
I'm also exhausted again.
Rolling my eyes so hard at myself. I am happy, trust me. I am overjoyed that things seem okay. But I'm logging this stuff because it helps to know what's going on for the future.
anyways, gonna try to get organized for the week. I love my baby so much, so I'll do whatever it takes to keep her safe.
-Emily
Wednesday, April 13, 2016
Sugar
So I officially failed my hour glucose screen, the goal is under 140, and my score was 150. So today I went back and did the three hour glucose test to see if I have gestational diabetes.
If you can avoid this, I recommend doing so at all costs. It involved four blood draws (and one failed poke, so five total). The first hour and a half I thought I was going to pass out and really thought I was going to throw up and I fought through it because I did NOT want to start over again. By hour two, I felt great! like my body had kicked into gear and was processing the sugar.
All in all, I say it's not as bad as I thought it would be, but also not a barrel of laughs. So if you can eat healthy and avoid failing your hour screening, do it. Because this sucks.
That being said, for the past two days I've been following the diabetic guidelines for eating, and I actually lost two lbs! Down to 297. So I think, regardless of the results, I am going to try to stick with this method of eating and know that I am prone to it (my mother and aunt both have diabetes). I don't want to test my sugars all day, but having counseling and strict guidelines would help me, I think. So while I'm not wishing for a positive by any means, at least some good will come out of this.
Some other weird stuff, the green goo came back ,and then disappeared again. My doctor prescribed more flagyl, but I am waiting to take it to see if it returns. My rash comes and goes, but it's gone right now. And it is an incredibly GORGEOUS day here, 61 degrees and sunny, so I'm going to get out for a walk tonight. The baby has moved up off my pelvis (I honestly laid with my legs up on the wall for about two hours on Monday, and I think it worked). So I am getting out there. No excuses left. I also ordered a pair of maternity capris from old navy which should make working out more comfortable.
So that's my update today. If I get news about test results from my doctor tomrorow I will share them. At this point, I'm just leaving it out there and not going to worry about it, because there's nothing I can do. Oh, and I'm uploading a chart my coworker and I created to help me through some anxiety. Who knows, it might help someone else.
-Emily
If you can avoid this, I recommend doing so at all costs. It involved four blood draws (and one failed poke, so five total). The first hour and a half I thought I was going to pass out and really thought I was going to throw up and I fought through it because I did NOT want to start over again. By hour two, I felt great! like my body had kicked into gear and was processing the sugar.
All in all, I say it's not as bad as I thought it would be, but also not a barrel of laughs. So if you can eat healthy and avoid failing your hour screening, do it. Because this sucks.
That being said, for the past two days I've been following the diabetic guidelines for eating, and I actually lost two lbs! Down to 297. So I think, regardless of the results, I am going to try to stick with this method of eating and know that I am prone to it (my mother and aunt both have diabetes). I don't want to test my sugars all day, but having counseling and strict guidelines would help me, I think. So while I'm not wishing for a positive by any means, at least some good will come out of this.
Some other weird stuff, the green goo came back ,and then disappeared again. My doctor prescribed more flagyl, but I am waiting to take it to see if it returns. My rash comes and goes, but it's gone right now. And it is an incredibly GORGEOUS day here, 61 degrees and sunny, so I'm going to get out for a walk tonight. The baby has moved up off my pelvis (I honestly laid with my legs up on the wall for about two hours on Monday, and I think it worked). So I am getting out there. No excuses left. I also ordered a pair of maternity capris from old navy which should make working out more comfortable.
So that's my update today. If I get news about test results from my doctor tomrorow I will share them. At this point, I'm just leaving it out there and not going to worry about it, because there's nothing I can do. Oh, and I'm uploading a chart my coworker and I created to help me through some anxiety. Who knows, it might help someone else.
-Emily
Monday, April 11, 2016
20 week update!
Friday was our 20 week mark, and also our big visit to the doctor. We had an ultrasound anatomy scan, appointment, and glucose test.
Baby is a big girl, measuring in at 20 weeks 3 days, and weighing 14.2oz. She is healthy and is resting her head on my pelvis/cervix, so that is why I'm feeling so much pressure. Today I am very uncomfortable, so I am going to go home and put my legs up and try to help her get up a little higher. Bah.
I also have an anterior placenta, so I do not think I'll feel cosnistent movements for a while. Sometimes when I'm laying propped up in bed I think I feel her, but when I put my hand on my stomach it stops. So who knows.
In a few months time I will most likely need to wear the support belt frequently, and the doctor recommended chiropractor time to get my hips evened out, since she thinks that is where my calf pain is coming from.
All in all, it was a great check-up. Our baby girl is stunningly pretty and we are in love with her sooo much. Now we just have to get through 4.5 more months, and she will be here.
Taking it a day at a time and trying to stay calm even when it feels like she is trying to drill her way out of my abdomen.
My weight also stayed steady at 300 lbs. Now that we have a good report and better weather on the way, walking will become our utmost priority. She didn't check my cervix, so I am still a bit concerned about that, but she didn't seem worried, so I won't be worried. For now, we just kind of are in a holding pattern as we see what happens. Still taking it day-by-day, and trying to stay calm.
I am so in love already. I am putting this in God's hands now, because all I can do is stay healthy and calm and let her grow strong.
Also waiting on results of the glucose test.... hoping we either pass it with flying colors, or bomb it miserably so we don't have to go back for the three hour test. Cause that would NOT be fun.
-Emily
Baby is a big girl, measuring in at 20 weeks 3 days, and weighing 14.2oz. She is healthy and is resting her head on my pelvis/cervix, so that is why I'm feeling so much pressure. Today I am very uncomfortable, so I am going to go home and put my legs up and try to help her get up a little higher. Bah.
I also have an anterior placenta, so I do not think I'll feel cosnistent movements for a while. Sometimes when I'm laying propped up in bed I think I feel her, but when I put my hand on my stomach it stops. So who knows.
In a few months time I will most likely need to wear the support belt frequently, and the doctor recommended chiropractor time to get my hips evened out, since she thinks that is where my calf pain is coming from.
All in all, it was a great check-up. Our baby girl is stunningly pretty and we are in love with her sooo much. Now we just have to get through 4.5 more months, and she will be here.
Taking it a day at a time and trying to stay calm even when it feels like she is trying to drill her way out of my abdomen.
My weight also stayed steady at 300 lbs. Now that we have a good report and better weather on the way, walking will become our utmost priority. She didn't check my cervix, so I am still a bit concerned about that, but she didn't seem worried, so I won't be worried. For now, we just kind of are in a holding pattern as we see what happens. Still taking it day-by-day, and trying to stay calm.
I am so in love already. I am putting this in God's hands now, because all I can do is stay healthy and calm and let her grow strong.
Also waiting on results of the glucose test.... hoping we either pass it with flying colors, or bomb it miserably so we don't have to go back for the three hour test. Cause that would NOT be fun.
-Emily
Monday, March 21, 2016
Shifting Internals, and a new name for this blog?
Okay, I wish I had a pregnant friend or two, to go through this process with, because reading the internet is just scary, and my friends are mostly single, so I am pioneering the way through mucus and hip pain.
Anyways, weirdest thing happened this weekend. Friday night I was very, very sore. So sore I felt a little shaky and sick. Standing up made me feel a little off, and my hips/round ligaments/uterus were very achey. I was a little concerned about a miscarraige again because it almost felt crampy.
I went to bed, and when I woke up, everything felt different. Almost like she moved higher up in my abdomen. I don't have nearly the symptoms I had before. The achey hips are there (obesity at its finest). But the sloshing feeling is gone, the constant pulling is gone. I think the baby might have shifted higher up? Is that what happens when skinny women "pop" and get their bellies? I don't think I'll really "pop" due to my stomach, but maybe that is the defining moment?
It's so weird, and I was so nervous I had to use my doppler to make sure she was okay. Heart beating strong, just... don't feel... pregnant. Not like I was. Is this the second trimester golden period? In early pregnancy this is a sign of a miscarriage, but I am wondering if we just moved her out of my pelvis?
I'm so confused. All the time!
I also had a few strange realizations:
Some good things to work through. Now that I am recognizing these bad behaviours and thought patterns, I am addressing them as they come up, and I can already tell today is a better day for me. I am feeling stronger, more in control. I never want my pregnancy or children to 100% define me. I think that is the fatal mistake in women who have children and in 20 years realize they've completely lost themselves. I want to give everything to my children, yes, but I still want my husband, and me, to be a priority. I want to be important and take care of us and our relationship. So as we move forward, it's going to be finding footholds of strength and taking steps to make sure I am making good decisions for all the stakeholders in our lives (husband, me, baby).
I was also looking at Instagram accounts of fitness coaches last night. They are able to be pregnant and maintain their figure and workout regimen. It reminded me that this is a NATURAL process. And while my body is unnaturally obese, it still knows what to do (or is at least learning). Do I think the miscarriage was natural? No. I still fully believe there was something underlying it, and the aspirin/progesterone regime I put myself on this time allowed this pregnancy to progress. But now that my body has taken over, I am going to try to have faith in it. Be good to it. And treat myself cautiously, but with the respect I deserve. And the next time we go through this (hopefully in two years when we have a healthy child alive and part of our family) I will be in a different place mentally and physically.
I am getting excited to take the baby for walks and eventually jogs. I am going to get the jogger. I am excited for races and being fit and active. I know I'll never look like @chontelduncan or @sarahstage, but I can look like me in better health with a lower BMI. And that's the goal. And once I can get to a healthy place with food and body image, and have a successful pregnancy, than the fear of this process should be replaced with confidence.
Also, I'm not doctor, and I definitely wasn't "there" so to speak for any of these pregnancies and labors, but of my four friends who gave birth wtihin the last 6 months, all four of the women decided they wanted to do natural labor, no induction, no epidural. Of those four, three were induced and c-section. Only one gave birth as she originally wanted, and it was the one of the four who works out consistently and eats healthy foods daily. These women ranged on a scale from skinny to overweight with moderate exercise, but the one woman who did what she wanted with no complications was committed to fitness throughout her pregnancy, and I want to model the remainder of my time after her. I know I won't lose weight, but I have not gained a single pound yet, and I am so happy about that accomplishment.
SO anyways, onwards. And maybe I should rename my blog "Plus Size Pregnancy", because I'm telling you, from what I can tell, it's a very different ballgame.
-Emily
Anyways, weirdest thing happened this weekend. Friday night I was very, very sore. So sore I felt a little shaky and sick. Standing up made me feel a little off, and my hips/round ligaments/uterus were very achey. I was a little concerned about a miscarraige again because it almost felt crampy.
I went to bed, and when I woke up, everything felt different. Almost like she moved higher up in my abdomen. I don't have nearly the symptoms I had before. The achey hips are there (obesity at its finest). But the sloshing feeling is gone, the constant pulling is gone. I think the baby might have shifted higher up? Is that what happens when skinny women "pop" and get their bellies? I don't think I'll really "pop" due to my stomach, but maybe that is the defining moment?
It's so weird, and I was so nervous I had to use my doppler to make sure she was okay. Heart beating strong, just... don't feel... pregnant. Not like I was. Is this the second trimester golden period? In early pregnancy this is a sign of a miscarriage, but I am wondering if we just moved her out of my pelvis?
I'm so confused. All the time!
I also had a few strange realizations:
- I truly don't believe I deserve happiness/good things (I know we already discussed that, but I am seeing it now very clearly.)
- I am terrified that if I get happy and lose this baby, I will look like a fool.
Some good things to work through. Now that I am recognizing these bad behaviours and thought patterns, I am addressing them as they come up, and I can already tell today is a better day for me. I am feeling stronger, more in control. I never want my pregnancy or children to 100% define me. I think that is the fatal mistake in women who have children and in 20 years realize they've completely lost themselves. I want to give everything to my children, yes, but I still want my husband, and me, to be a priority. I want to be important and take care of us and our relationship. So as we move forward, it's going to be finding footholds of strength and taking steps to make sure I am making good decisions for all the stakeholders in our lives (husband, me, baby).
I was also looking at Instagram accounts of fitness coaches last night. They are able to be pregnant and maintain their figure and workout regimen. It reminded me that this is a NATURAL process. And while my body is unnaturally obese, it still knows what to do (or is at least learning). Do I think the miscarriage was natural? No. I still fully believe there was something underlying it, and the aspirin/progesterone regime I put myself on this time allowed this pregnancy to progress. But now that my body has taken over, I am going to try to have faith in it. Be good to it. And treat myself cautiously, but with the respect I deserve. And the next time we go through this (hopefully in two years when we have a healthy child alive and part of our family) I will be in a different place mentally and physically.
I am getting excited to take the baby for walks and eventually jogs. I am going to get the jogger. I am excited for races and being fit and active. I know I'll never look like @chontelduncan or @sarahstage, but I can look like me in better health with a lower BMI. And that's the goal. And once I can get to a healthy place with food and body image, and have a successful pregnancy, than the fear of this process should be replaced with confidence.
Also, I'm not doctor, and I definitely wasn't "there" so to speak for any of these pregnancies and labors, but of my four friends who gave birth wtihin the last 6 months, all four of the women decided they wanted to do natural labor, no induction, no epidural. Of those four, three were induced and c-section. Only one gave birth as she originally wanted, and it was the one of the four who works out consistently and eats healthy foods daily. These women ranged on a scale from skinny to overweight with moderate exercise, but the one woman who did what she wanted with no complications was committed to fitness throughout her pregnancy, and I want to model the remainder of my time after her. I know I won't lose weight, but I have not gained a single pound yet, and I am so happy about that accomplishment.
SO anyways, onwards. And maybe I should rename my blog "Plus Size Pregnancy", because I'm telling you, from what I can tell, it's a very different ballgame.
-Emily
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
Anniversary
So here we are again, 13.4. The day we lost our angel baby.
This has been a long-awaited day for me, and one that anxiety and hope has built and built as we got closer to. I know that there are still tons of problems that can happen after this day/week is over--I know that. But, I already feel so much better. I am half way through this day. No bleeding... knock on wood. Now spotting... knock on wood. This pregnancy has been so so different from the last one.
This morning I went baby hunting and found Bazby's beautiful heart pumping away. I recorded it today, because I want something to remember always. It's getting too big to disappear now, so I heard it floop around a little but stayed strong the whole time.
I am taking it easy, trying not to stress, and have started slowly telling my friends and coworkers.
The sad part? There will be no social media announcement. There will be no certainty. There will be no choosing names or planning a future. We are still scarred and trying to imagine a life where this ends in 9 months with a healthy child. I'm still terrified.
But slowly, I am getting more comfortable that this tiny human is growing. And okay. And we are fighting for it to live. Every decision is considered with the baby in mind. We are thinking about how we're going to set up a nursery, and items we could use for both this baby, or another baby if anything happens, I have my cloth diaper stash growing. (Cutest things in the world, btw... I can't wait to put them on a tiny baby!).
Every day is a small battle, and every morning that we wake up and find a healthy heartbeat with no bleeding is a win. It's all about winning those small battles, and before we know it, we will win the war. And I am going to start letting myself think this is okay.
This strong little fetus who decided it wanted to grow even when I thought it was impossible for it to exist. Just amazing.
So I went for Harmony and Cystic Fibrosis testing (NXGEN), and the lady at the lab stuck me seven unsuccessful times (over a two day period) with no blood (I am pretty sure it made me sick the following day). So I am going to go to the local hospital lab on Friday and try again. Which is funny, because if it takes a week and a half to get results back, we will have our 16 week ultrasound and might get to know the gender before the results come back!
I can't believe we might get to 16 weeks. I never thought it'd be possible. Is that crazy? And after 16 weeks, wewill be at 20 weeks for the anatomy scan, and then we are halfway there. I always said if we reach 20 weeks I will start believing in this happening, and I stand by that.
So, 6 more weeks. That's my next milestone.
Still taking:
I talked to my cousin who is a pharmacist about taking the oral prometrium vaginally, and said that while it does help to get it 'right by the source', taking it orally is just as, if not more, effective. And despite the ladies on the boards, I am going to trust my pharmacist cousin.
So yes. That's where we're at. I'm toying with the idea of going to the Just Between Friends sale in the middle of April to see if we can get some used baby stuff - we need a crib, stroller, and bouncer, among many other things. Furniture. I'd love to get that all second hand. And by April we will be 21 weeks, so it might be okay... we'll see.
Life is weird. This process is weird. The amount of love I feel towards this tiny being with bones, toes, ears, a heartbeat, and tiny kidneys peeing into me... it's insurmountable. And I have so much hope and faith that this will be our Rainbow. I will still keep one foot in reality, because I know how the world can come crashing down, but for now, I'm dipping a toe into the waters of excitement.
P.S. Not knowing the gender is fine. I know everyone freaks out and needs to know. But I feel better not knowing. It feels more natural. Because the gender doesn't matter. It really doesn't. It's my child, and I love it no matter what. And I have not assigned it any personality besides a fiery little baby because of its sassy antics. But I would recommend to anyone going through this Rainbow experience that you wait to find out gender for a little while, because for some reason, not knowing is comforting. I don't think I'll want to know until 16 week scan, and not officially until 20 weeks. But maybe that's just my fear speaking.
P.P.S. I want to name it Pippa if it's a girl. Because Pippa means "Lover of Horses". Husband says no, so I'm hoping to sneak it in as a nickname ;)
P.P.P.S. They say you can't feel the baby for another 5 weeks or so, but I swear to you, I feel my uterus flip around. I don't feel kicks or anything, but I am pretty sure I feel it moving. I mean, it is the size of a peach afterall! I'm pretty sure you'd feel a peach in your uterus.
That's all for now....
Day by day.
-Emily
This has been a long-awaited day for me, and one that anxiety and hope has built and built as we got closer to. I know that there are still tons of problems that can happen after this day/week is over--I know that. But, I already feel so much better. I am half way through this day. No bleeding... knock on wood. Now spotting... knock on wood. This pregnancy has been so so different from the last one.
This morning I went baby hunting and found Bazby's beautiful heart pumping away. I recorded it today, because I want something to remember always. It's getting too big to disappear now, so I heard it floop around a little but stayed strong the whole time.
I am taking it easy, trying not to stress, and have started slowly telling my friends and coworkers.
The sad part? There will be no social media announcement. There will be no certainty. There will be no choosing names or planning a future. We are still scarred and trying to imagine a life where this ends in 9 months with a healthy child. I'm still terrified.
But slowly, I am getting more comfortable that this tiny human is growing. And okay. And we are fighting for it to live. Every decision is considered with the baby in mind. We are thinking about how we're going to set up a nursery, and items we could use for both this baby, or another baby if anything happens, I have my cloth diaper stash growing. (Cutest things in the world, btw... I can't wait to put them on a tiny baby!).
Every day is a small battle, and every morning that we wake up and find a healthy heartbeat with no bleeding is a win. It's all about winning those small battles, and before we know it, we will win the war. And I am going to start letting myself think this is okay.
This strong little fetus who decided it wanted to grow even when I thought it was impossible for it to exist. Just amazing.
So I went for Harmony and Cystic Fibrosis testing (NXGEN), and the lady at the lab stuck me seven unsuccessful times (over a two day period) with no blood (I am pretty sure it made me sick the following day). So I am going to go to the local hospital lab on Friday and try again. Which is funny, because if it takes a week and a half to get results back, we will have our 16 week ultrasound and might get to know the gender before the results come back!
I can't believe we might get to 16 weeks. I never thought it'd be possible. Is that crazy? And after 16 weeks, wewill be at 20 weeks for the anatomy scan, and then we are halfway there. I always said if we reach 20 weeks I will start believing in this happening, and I stand by that.
So, 6 more weeks. That's my next milestone.
Still taking:
- Baby Aspirin every other day
- PreNatal
- Fiber Gummies
- Prometrium 200mg 2x day
I talked to my cousin who is a pharmacist about taking the oral prometrium vaginally, and said that while it does help to get it 'right by the source', taking it orally is just as, if not more, effective. And despite the ladies on the boards, I am going to trust my pharmacist cousin.
So yes. That's where we're at. I'm toying with the idea of going to the Just Between Friends sale in the middle of April to see if we can get some used baby stuff - we need a crib, stroller, and bouncer, among many other things. Furniture. I'd love to get that all second hand. And by April we will be 21 weeks, so it might be okay... we'll see.
Life is weird. This process is weird. The amount of love I feel towards this tiny being with bones, toes, ears, a heartbeat, and tiny kidneys peeing into me... it's insurmountable. And I have so much hope and faith that this will be our Rainbow. I will still keep one foot in reality, because I know how the world can come crashing down, but for now, I'm dipping a toe into the waters of excitement.
P.S. Not knowing the gender is fine. I know everyone freaks out and needs to know. But I feel better not knowing. It feels more natural. Because the gender doesn't matter. It really doesn't. It's my child, and I love it no matter what. And I have not assigned it any personality besides a fiery little baby because of its sassy antics. But I would recommend to anyone going through this Rainbow experience that you wait to find out gender for a little while, because for some reason, not knowing is comforting. I don't think I'll want to know until 16 week scan, and not officially until 20 weeks. But maybe that's just my fear speaking.
P.P.S. I want to name it Pippa if it's a girl. Because Pippa means "Lover of Horses". Husband says no, so I'm hoping to sneak it in as a nickname ;)
P.P.P.S. They say you can't feel the baby for another 5 weeks or so, but I swear to you, I feel my uterus flip around. I don't feel kicks or anything, but I am pretty sure I feel it moving. I mean, it is the size of a peach afterall! I'm pretty sure you'd feel a peach in your uterus.
That's all for now....
Day by day.
-Emily
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
Weekly Update
Okay, let's see what is going on today.
What I can only describe as a grapefruit stuck in my uterus being pulled downward is what I felt all weekend. Not painful, just REALLY weird, and made me have to pee. A lot. I am feeling it again today, and hoping that it's just stretching and growing. Saturday we went baby hunting, and we were able to find the heartbeat before it flipped us the bird and disappeared into the murky layers of fatness.
I tried again this morning to no avail, I think after laying on my back so long it gets far enough away that I can't find it. But I'm not letting that get me down. Even my OB could not find it with a doppler last week, so it's nothing to be worried about.
The brown spotting appears to have stopped after literally doing NOTHING (but a minor grocery shop Saturday morning) for the whole weekend. I watched season 6 of Dance Moms and got caught up on Jane the Virgin, and by Monday the brown gunk was gone. I am not sure if bedrest is helping ,or if not being stressed at work is helping, but the weekends are proving to be very important to relax and heal. (The stress at work is pretty insurmountable, I'm going to have to take a big step back and evaluate what the hell I am doing, because I am not sure if it's baby hormones, or just the sheer magnitude of my responsibility, but I am overwhelmed.)
Yesterday my nausea was back, but today not so much. And my nipples were little rings of fire, but that seems to have backed off too. With that, and the doppler not producing a heartbeat today I am trying to stay calm. I know those things cause anxiety, but the mixed missing symptoms are weird, too. I am going to assume that it's because I am 12.4 today, and very close to my 2nd trimester when stuff (apparently) gets better.
My doctor is still keeping me on a 4 week schedule, which I am not sure is the best move, but she really doesn't think there is a problem. So I go back early March. I had a nice little conversation with myself in the middle of the night where I agreed not to panic or freak out and call until next Wednesday. If the brown stuff is back, the thick green gunk comes back after I pick up walking again (which I plan on doing Saturday since the weather will be nice, and it will test if the antibacterial meds she gave me did the trick), waiting until Wednesday gives me 5 days post treatment. It also gets me past the milestone of when we lost our first pregnancy. And I'm not going to lie, that day encroaching makes me a complete wreck. If I could, I would just take off work from now until then and relax at a spa and try to get my mind off of it. Instead, my husband is in college full time and I have to work, so here I am, wearing business attire and dealing with stressful people. Such is life, I'm not complaining, just saying what I'd be doing if I was independently wealthy (I'd be sleeping right now).
So, with the rising anxiety levels I have taken two quarter days from work on the next two fridays to try and have a little ray of sunshine to look forward to. And I've also started trying to do my meditation program daily, it really does help! I find that doing it midday actually gives me the most relief. I've also consciously decided that I need to stop obsessing, so I've gotten out my animation/video editing equipment and will start trying to do some freelance/volunteer work.
I scheduled a second opinion appointment for February 29th, which I need to decide if I want to keep. My doctor has done nothing wrong, but I also feel like we're entering the second trimester and I still have a lot of questions, and sitting in her office, as much as I love it, is EXTREMELY stressful. My heartrate rises and I relive what happened last time every time. I've also been going by myself, which I think my add to that. I know I need to man up and get over it, but as my husband says, I think I have a form of PTSD that only angel mamas can understand in this setting. Anyways, they sent the paperwork, and I guess it can't hurt to go see him. I just don't want my regular OB to know, because it has nothing to do with her--I really do love working with her, and she is super helpful and wants this to be successful. So maybe I am answering my own questions here, and should cancel. We'll see.
Okay so -- I got some gummy Omega 3s because I realzied my Rainbow Lite Prenatals did not have DHA. The expensive fancy stuff apparently makes me puke, so that had to end a few weeks ago. I also got fiber gummies, because I will tell you, the struggle is real sometimes. I'm taking those, along with Prometrium and Flagyl for the infection.
I read on some boards that even the oral prometrium should be used vaginally. I want to do a little more research on this and talk to the pharmacy technician. Apparently doctors prescribe it orally, but it is better vaginally. I don't know what to think about that. My levels went up appropriately as-is, but I wonder if it would have helped the low levels in the beginning? something to investigate for sure.
I also am finding that I'm getting little teensy red spots on my body. I don't know if it's a reaction to the Flagyl, a reaction to milk -- which I had some of for the first time in 9 months Sunday - or a reaction to the Burts Bees Belly Butter I've been putting on my stomach. I really am a terrible scientist. I start a whole bunch of new things at once. When the baby gets here, we're going to have to be careful to not do that as we work on figuring out food allergies.
So, despite my anxiety and fear, I am letting myself start thinking about the possibility that we will have a tiny human in August. I was researching cloth diapers, and I think that is what we're going to do. I was reading the Cotton Babies page on Facebook last night, and apparently people recommend having 25-30 diapers per baby. We currently have 2, which means we'll need to get one a month for the next 9 months. I think that is a good shower gift, so maybe not that many, and we wouldn't use them immediately, because I think we'll be in a crazy fog the first three months. But yea, see? Positive, I am starting to be a LITTLE positive. And I'm always hopeful.
Tomorrow afternoon I will go do the Harmony testing, and we'll see how things rae progressing. Every day I don't gush bright red blood is a good day. And by this time last time I had been having pink spottting daily, and been in the ER once already.
So, deep breaths, lots of prayers, warm relaxing baths, and lots of rest. As we move forward into this crazy second trimester.
-Emily
What I can only describe as a grapefruit stuck in my uterus being pulled downward is what I felt all weekend. Not painful, just REALLY weird, and made me have to pee. A lot. I am feeling it again today, and hoping that it's just stretching and growing. Saturday we went baby hunting, and we were able to find the heartbeat before it flipped us the bird and disappeared into the murky layers of fatness.
I tried again this morning to no avail, I think after laying on my back so long it gets far enough away that I can't find it. But I'm not letting that get me down. Even my OB could not find it with a doppler last week, so it's nothing to be worried about.
The brown spotting appears to have stopped after literally doing NOTHING (but a minor grocery shop Saturday morning) for the whole weekend. I watched season 6 of Dance Moms and got caught up on Jane the Virgin, and by Monday the brown gunk was gone. I am not sure if bedrest is helping ,or if not being stressed at work is helping, but the weekends are proving to be very important to relax and heal. (The stress at work is pretty insurmountable, I'm going to have to take a big step back and evaluate what the hell I am doing, because I am not sure if it's baby hormones, or just the sheer magnitude of my responsibility, but I am overwhelmed.)
Yesterday my nausea was back, but today not so much. And my nipples were little rings of fire, but that seems to have backed off too. With that, and the doppler not producing a heartbeat today I am trying to stay calm. I know those things cause anxiety, but the mixed missing symptoms are weird, too. I am going to assume that it's because I am 12.4 today, and very close to my 2nd trimester when stuff (apparently) gets better.
My doctor is still keeping me on a 4 week schedule, which I am not sure is the best move, but she really doesn't think there is a problem. So I go back early March. I had a nice little conversation with myself in the middle of the night where I agreed not to panic or freak out and call until next Wednesday. If the brown stuff is back, the thick green gunk comes back after I pick up walking again (which I plan on doing Saturday since the weather will be nice, and it will test if the antibacterial meds she gave me did the trick), waiting until Wednesday gives me 5 days post treatment. It also gets me past the milestone of when we lost our first pregnancy. And I'm not going to lie, that day encroaching makes me a complete wreck. If I could, I would just take off work from now until then and relax at a spa and try to get my mind off of it. Instead, my husband is in college full time and I have to work, so here I am, wearing business attire and dealing with stressful people. Such is life, I'm not complaining, just saying what I'd be doing if I was independently wealthy (I'd be sleeping right now).
So, with the rising anxiety levels I have taken two quarter days from work on the next two fridays to try and have a little ray of sunshine to look forward to. And I've also started trying to do my meditation program daily, it really does help! I find that doing it midday actually gives me the most relief. I've also consciously decided that I need to stop obsessing, so I've gotten out my animation/video editing equipment and will start trying to do some freelance/volunteer work.
I scheduled a second opinion appointment for February 29th, which I need to decide if I want to keep. My doctor has done nothing wrong, but I also feel like we're entering the second trimester and I still have a lot of questions, and sitting in her office, as much as I love it, is EXTREMELY stressful. My heartrate rises and I relive what happened last time every time. I've also been going by myself, which I think my add to that. I know I need to man up and get over it, but as my husband says, I think I have a form of PTSD that only angel mamas can understand in this setting. Anyways, they sent the paperwork, and I guess it can't hurt to go see him. I just don't want my regular OB to know, because it has nothing to do with her--I really do love working with her, and she is super helpful and wants this to be successful. So maybe I am answering my own questions here, and should cancel. We'll see.
Okay so -- I got some gummy Omega 3s because I realzied my Rainbow Lite Prenatals did not have DHA. The expensive fancy stuff apparently makes me puke, so that had to end a few weeks ago. I also got fiber gummies, because I will tell you, the struggle is real sometimes. I'm taking those, along with Prometrium and Flagyl for the infection.
I read on some boards that even the oral prometrium should be used vaginally. I want to do a little more research on this and talk to the pharmacy technician. Apparently doctors prescribe it orally, but it is better vaginally. I don't know what to think about that. My levels went up appropriately as-is, but I wonder if it would have helped the low levels in the beginning? something to investigate for sure.
I also am finding that I'm getting little teensy red spots on my body. I don't know if it's a reaction to the Flagyl, a reaction to milk -- which I had some of for the first time in 9 months Sunday - or a reaction to the Burts Bees Belly Butter I've been putting on my stomach. I really am a terrible scientist. I start a whole bunch of new things at once. When the baby gets here, we're going to have to be careful to not do that as we work on figuring out food allergies.
So, despite my anxiety and fear, I am letting myself start thinking about the possibility that we will have a tiny human in August. I was researching cloth diapers, and I think that is what we're going to do. I was reading the Cotton Babies page on Facebook last night, and apparently people recommend having 25-30 diapers per baby. We currently have 2, which means we'll need to get one a month for the next 9 months. I think that is a good shower gift, so maybe not that many, and we wouldn't use them immediately, because I think we'll be in a crazy fog the first three months. But yea, see? Positive, I am starting to be a LITTLE positive. And I'm always hopeful.
Tomorrow afternoon I will go do the Harmony testing, and we'll see how things rae progressing. Every day I don't gush bright red blood is a good day. And by this time last time I had been having pink spottting daily, and been in the ER once already.
So, deep breaths, lots of prayers, warm relaxing baths, and lots of rest. As we move forward into this crazy second trimester.
-Emily
Wednesday, February 3, 2016
Spring Cleaning
I read an interesting article last night that said patients who are told to log symptoms had almost double the amount of negative feelings, perceived worsening symptoms, or additional symptoms. Apparently, the practice of writing out problems adds to them, almost like a snowball growing as it rolls down a hill (and eventually turning into an avalanche).
With that in mind, I want to change the format of my journaling slightly. I still am going to be 100% honest about what I'm experiencing, but I will try to throw in some positives, too. Sometimes, the positives get lost in the craziness.
After my crazy cleaning frenzy on Sunday, I have officially slowed down on the brown bleeding. There is still slight discharge, but it is nothing like that Monday afternoon. This tells me I need to keep taking it easy until that baby gets a little bigger. Next Tuesday is the appointment, and I'm hoping we get a scan scheduled quickly so we can get an idea of what is happening. I decided to keep taking the aspirin. After reading several studies and outcomes across the globe, there appears to be very little evidence that baby aspirin causes defects. And for women with clotting issues, is used to almost term. I do not think I will need to take it to term, but I think I am okay for now. Again, we'll see what happens next week. The hematoma shrunk from week 8 to week 10 and I was not taking the aspirin, so maybe I will wait until next week to see if it is continuing to go down in size.
I will tell you, I keep a pair of "miscarriage" pants in my work bag, in case I get another huge gush of blood. Is that morbid? Probably. but it makes me feel better. And I am yet to get excited. I've mentally told myself that 20 weeks I will start feeling better. But sometimes, I let just the smallest inkling of positivity through, and I realize how truly, fully, 100% I want this child happy and healthy.
So, some positive things I've been experiencing, that maybe don't sound positive, but since I didn't have these last time, they are positive to me -
See? There are positives this time that I did not have last time, and because of that, I am going to hope and pray that this baby is healthy, and we are on track. :) The higher heart rate still gives me pause, but I will ask the doctor about that next week.
I also think we might be getting closer to the second trimester physically, because I am no longer dead asleep by 6pm. It's good stuff.
Anyways, as always, I will keep this updated with my decisions and what I'm doing. Unfortunately, I was not able to keep taking all my vitamins. It just made me gag. So I need to get back to it. Progesterone, pre natal, and vinger for now. I want to add back in vitamin K and e and omega 3s. I am stopping by Target today to grab some more.
Alright, that's it for today.
-Emily
With that in mind, I want to change the format of my journaling slightly. I still am going to be 100% honest about what I'm experiencing, but I will try to throw in some positives, too. Sometimes, the positives get lost in the craziness.
After my crazy cleaning frenzy on Sunday, I have officially slowed down on the brown bleeding. There is still slight discharge, but it is nothing like that Monday afternoon. This tells me I need to keep taking it easy until that baby gets a little bigger. Next Tuesday is the appointment, and I'm hoping we get a scan scheduled quickly so we can get an idea of what is happening. I decided to keep taking the aspirin. After reading several studies and outcomes across the globe, there appears to be very little evidence that baby aspirin causes defects. And for women with clotting issues, is used to almost term. I do not think I will need to take it to term, but I think I am okay for now. Again, we'll see what happens next week. The hematoma shrunk from week 8 to week 10 and I was not taking the aspirin, so maybe I will wait until next week to see if it is continuing to go down in size.
I will tell you, I keep a pair of "miscarriage" pants in my work bag, in case I get another huge gush of blood. Is that morbid? Probably. but it makes me feel better. And I am yet to get excited. I've mentally told myself that 20 weeks I will start feeling better. But sometimes, I let just the smallest inkling of positivity through, and I realize how truly, fully, 100% I want this child happy and healthy.
So, some positive things I've been experiencing, that maybe don't sound positive, but since I didn't have these last time, they are positive to me -
- OUTRAGEOUS hormones. I am a nut job. Seriously. Everything makes me weep, or angry, or happy. And it bounces around hourly. I'm not even kidding you, this is insane.
- Nausea. Every morning, sometimes gagging, often times smell-based, rarely puking (only once) but just extreme nausea.
- Fatigue (okay that was there last time :) ).
- Constipation. Prune juice every night is what the doctor ordered. Once I get too backed up I feel like I am the size of a beach ball. It's nuts! Our friends told us that they had the husband physically clean out the wife's bottom side when it happened. That's not even an option for us, so prune juice it is.
- Food aversions and cravings. Last time I wanted Mac n Cheese and fried chicken. This time I want fruit juice, cakes, sweets, and FRESH food. I will walk an extra mile to get something that looks "real" instead of something processed. (let's hope that mentality continues on)
- Knock on wood, no major bleeds. I might kick myself for saying this if it does happen, but for now I'm going to count my blessings that I have not had one of these yet.
- Nipples feel like tiny little needs are stabbing them anytime they get rubbed up against, knocked, or touched. They are ANGRY.
See? There are positives this time that I did not have last time, and because of that, I am going to hope and pray that this baby is healthy, and we are on track. :) The higher heart rate still gives me pause, but I will ask the doctor about that next week.
I also think we might be getting closer to the second trimester physically, because I am no longer dead asleep by 6pm. It's good stuff.
Anyways, as always, I will keep this updated with my decisions and what I'm doing. Unfortunately, I was not able to keep taking all my vitamins. It just made me gag. So I need to get back to it. Progesterone, pre natal, and vinger for now. I want to add back in vitamin K and e and omega 3s. I am stopping by Target today to grab some more.
Alright, that's it for today.
-Emily
Friday, January 29, 2016
Hematomas Abound.
I have another subchorionic hematoma.
I have another subchorionic hematoma.
I have another hematoma.
Apparently at my last appointment the ultrasound tech did not want to freak me out (as you are aware, I am easily freaked out), but she saw a small bleed. I am finding this out today as I was brought in for an emergency scan due to the increasing brown bleeding I was experiencing yesterday. What she told me today is that the area of the bleed decreased dramatically, and is no longer black, but grey. So her theory is that the brown blood is the hematoma healing and resolving itself.
The baby is growing perfectly, has a heart beat of 183 (strong!?) and is adorable. It was even wiggling a little bit.
But I had another ... have another ... subchorionic hematoma. The tech did say "I think this baby is a keeper!" But they are almost ALWAYS super optimistic. I am waiting for a call from my OB today to see if she wants me to get another progesterone shot. Until then, I am putting myself on modified bedrest, and will not be doing ANYTHING for a while. At least until our 12 week scan.
I am relieved, scared, shocked, upset, happy, scared, overjoyed, scared. Mostly scared still, but also happy we identified where the blood could be coming from, and that the area looks to be healing. Healing is a positive, good thing, yes? Yes. Yes. And I am 100% positive this baby is a little girl. So if anyone is going to heal up a wound and punch her way into the world it will be a tiny me.
Here are pictures, baby's head is on the left, butt is up in the air. I circled what the tech said is the hematoma:
Prayers prayers prayers. All day long.
-Emily
I have another subchorionic hematoma.
I have another hematoma.
Apparently at my last appointment the ultrasound tech did not want to freak me out (as you are aware, I am easily freaked out), but she saw a small bleed. I am finding this out today as I was brought in for an emergency scan due to the increasing brown bleeding I was experiencing yesterday. What she told me today is that the area of the bleed decreased dramatically, and is no longer black, but grey. So her theory is that the brown blood is the hematoma healing and resolving itself.
The baby is growing perfectly, has a heart beat of 183 (strong!?) and is adorable. It was even wiggling a little bit.
But I had another ... have another ... subchorionic hematoma. The tech did say "I think this baby is a keeper!" But they are almost ALWAYS super optimistic. I am waiting for a call from my OB today to see if she wants me to get another progesterone shot. Until then, I am putting myself on modified bedrest, and will not be doing ANYTHING for a while. At least until our 12 week scan.
I am relieved, scared, shocked, upset, happy, scared, overjoyed, scared. Mostly scared still, but also happy we identified where the blood could be coming from, and that the area looks to be healing. Healing is a positive, good thing, yes? Yes. Yes. And I am 100% positive this baby is a little girl. So if anyone is going to heal up a wound and punch her way into the world it will be a tiny me.
Here are pictures, baby's head is on the left, butt is up in the air. I circled what the tech said is the hematoma:
Prayers prayers prayers. All day long.
-Emily
Thursday, January 14, 2016
Pregnancy is, above all else, a roller coaster of emotions
I have so many questions that I can't seem to find, and I know I am not the only one having these questions. I know each uterus is a snowflake, but I am starting to think mine is particularly strange.
So yesterday I went in to see my OB and do the "confirmation" appointment. In my mind, this is kind of a waste of time and money, because I've already had bloodwork done, and I was just in in August so there was no need for a Pap or a "Well Woman". So I sat there for an hour and half and left with no news. The only thing we accomplished was getting an ultrasound scheduled for that night, because we are going out of the country this weekend, and I'll be 8 weeks tomorrow, and I'm also high risk. (even if they don't call me that, I am.)
The doctor and I discussed my weight, and how my goal is to be NOT GAINING a lb during this pregnancy, and instead I have permission to lose up to 10lbs. So that is going to be a challenge, but one I am up for. I know I need to lose weight for the health of the baby and the health of ME.
Fast forward to the Ultrasound.
We meet our little tiny baby, and it's heart is beating 173bpm - SUPER STRONG!!! The tech reassures us that there are no hematomas (Praise God). She said if there are any, she couldn't see them. I asked if she saw any fibroids, and she said she did, but she is not qualified to diagnose that. Interesting, because I know that I've read about other women having fibroids and problems. So last night I started my apple cider vinegar (with "The Mother") because this has been found to help shrink fibroids... it is disgusting, but it is for the greater good!
So, introducing "Bazby" (she spelled "Baby" "Bazby" on the image, and I think it's going to stick:
The baby is measuring 7 weeks 5 days, which is spot on from what it should be. She showed us the perfectly round yolk sack, checked my ovaries, and we saw its little heart thump thump thumping away. Amazing, considering I was not entirely sure there was anything in there. I am still somewhat in shock.
Everything was PERFECT. If you've ever experienced a difficult pregnancy, and then one where they tell you everything is fine, then you will know how we felt last night. It was not excitement, it was almost exhaustion. Like weeks of not knowing, and concern, and worry just drained from our bodies. We went home, ate a big salad, and fell asleep.
This morning, I woke up to spotting.
I'm not even fucking kidding there was red bleeding when I wiped. And I am sore. (I think the soreness is from the pressing of the US reader). So, can getting an abdominal ultrasound cause bleeding if they are pressing on you? I am just constantly high and low with this whole process. I woke up expecting today to be a new day of confidence, and my body greets me with blood. Then, I looked at our ultrasound again, and I noticed that there is a strange-looking thing in the exact same spot as last time. This looks like it is not echogenic (I believe that is the correct term) - i.e. it is not solid black, which would mean blood. It is fuzzy and looks like tissue. But when I compare it to the last ultrasound, it is in the same place as the hematoma and the same size. So, is it a hematoma that is clotting or bleeding out? Is it something else? I have no idea. My doctor is supposed to call today, and I will ask her about that. I don't want false confidence with this pregnancy. If I am spotting (Now @ implantation, six weeks, and eight weeks) and there is a hematoma, even a closing one, I want to know. I need to know. I can't hold on to this pregnancy like it is going smoothly if it is not. So I will report back today on what she says. You can see below the two pregnancy pictures. Bazby is on the left, and my angel is on the right with the hematoma circled, and in pink is the space I'm curious about. I will spend some time today looking at other ultrasounds to see if maybe this is a common thing.
I am so torn, you guys. I just want to be happy, but it's not happy when there's bleeding. My husband keeps telling me it's normal. But I know it's not that normal.
-Emily
So yesterday I went in to see my OB and do the "confirmation" appointment. In my mind, this is kind of a waste of time and money, because I've already had bloodwork done, and I was just in in August so there was no need for a Pap or a "Well Woman". So I sat there for an hour and half and left with no news. The only thing we accomplished was getting an ultrasound scheduled for that night, because we are going out of the country this weekend, and I'll be 8 weeks tomorrow, and I'm also high risk. (even if they don't call me that, I am.)
The doctor and I discussed my weight, and how my goal is to be NOT GAINING a lb during this pregnancy, and instead I have permission to lose up to 10lbs. So that is going to be a challenge, but one I am up for. I know I need to lose weight for the health of the baby and the health of ME.
Fast forward to the Ultrasound.
We meet our little tiny baby, and it's heart is beating 173bpm - SUPER STRONG!!! The tech reassures us that there are no hematomas (Praise God). She said if there are any, she couldn't see them. I asked if she saw any fibroids, and she said she did, but she is not qualified to diagnose that. Interesting, because I know that I've read about other women having fibroids and problems. So last night I started my apple cider vinegar (with "The Mother") because this has been found to help shrink fibroids... it is disgusting, but it is for the greater good!
So, introducing "Bazby" (she spelled "Baby" "Bazby" on the image, and I think it's going to stick:
 |
| "BAZBY" |
Everything was PERFECT. If you've ever experienced a difficult pregnancy, and then one where they tell you everything is fine, then you will know how we felt last night. It was not excitement, it was almost exhaustion. Like weeks of not knowing, and concern, and worry just drained from our bodies. We went home, ate a big salad, and fell asleep.
This morning, I woke up to spotting.
I'm not even fucking kidding there was red bleeding when I wiped. And I am sore. (I think the soreness is from the pressing of the US reader). So, can getting an abdominal ultrasound cause bleeding if they are pressing on you? I am just constantly high and low with this whole process. I woke up expecting today to be a new day of confidence, and my body greets me with blood. Then, I looked at our ultrasound again, and I noticed that there is a strange-looking thing in the exact same spot as last time. This looks like it is not echogenic (I believe that is the correct term) - i.e. it is not solid black, which would mean blood. It is fuzzy and looks like tissue. But when I compare it to the last ultrasound, it is in the same place as the hematoma and the same size. So, is it a hematoma that is clotting or bleeding out? Is it something else? I have no idea. My doctor is supposed to call today, and I will ask her about that. I don't want false confidence with this pregnancy. If I am spotting (Now @ implantation, six weeks, and eight weeks) and there is a hematoma, even a closing one, I want to know. I need to know. I can't hold on to this pregnancy like it is going smoothly if it is not. So I will report back today on what she says. You can see below the two pregnancy pictures. Bazby is on the left, and my angel is on the right with the hematoma circled, and in pink is the space I'm curious about. I will spend some time today looking at other ultrasounds to see if maybe this is a common thing.
 |
| Upside down - sorry! |
I am so torn, you guys. I just want to be happy, but it's not happy when there's bleeding. My husband keeps telling me it's normal. But I know it's not that normal.
-Emily
Tuesday, December 29, 2015
Two days from a New Year, and I couldn't be happier
Out with the old, in with the new.
I have never before felt that was so much my mantra as I have this year. 2015 was a turbulent and not quite wonderful year for our family. The fact that we are just two days away from 2016 - a "9" year, which my friend who is into astrology says is a wonderful thing because it means positive change and in tarot it means energy of attainment and renewal ... (not that I believe in that stuff, per se... ;) - a year of change sounds really great. Positive change. I can feel it, I can feel the past year sloughing away as we slide into 2016.
The energy seems to be all around us. I know many, many people who are quite ready for the countdown to Midnight January 1st, 2016. This year was full of trials, tribulations, challenges, growth, and awakenings. I think we will carry these teachings into the new year.
Anyways, I just wanted to check in and let you know how things are progressing, because apparently things are progressing. So much so that I have joined the "August 2016 Birth Club" on BabyCenter. That's brave, bold, and unexpected. But I love hearing stories from pregnant women due in August, like us, who are unaffected by loss and sadness. They are excited--posting pictures of their ultrasounds and planning when to have a baby shower, and discussing what they want to eat. As much as I love my support groups, and plan to stay active with them, I do enjoy the less ominous feel I get from these new or second, third, fourth time moms who may have experienced loss, but are looking positively towards the future.
So I have decided to try to stay as positive as possible, and just be happy with whatever outcome we have. Because I have learned that "que sera, sera" and what will be, will be.
Our unoffiical due date would be August 26, 2016. I love that number, so many loops! 9-26-16.
I am currently so hungry I could eat multiple cows a day. I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop and get sick. I woke up slightly nauseous at 3 AM today, but nothing came of it. Though, my last pregnancy I was hardly ever sick. Just occasionally in the afternoon my stomach would turn. Last time I hated sweets, and I am still not into chocolate, but last night for dinner I wanted a McFlurry. Just a McFlurry. So that is different.
I have a doctor's appointment scheduled for January 13th at 10:15AM with Doctor W. this would be 7 weeks, 5 days along, which means we should get a heartbeat, image of the baby, and dating. Assuming she does an US, but after our last experience, I have a feeling she will if she can. If not, we'll schedule an ultrasound for 8 weeks (see, I think we'll just do it).
I guess, until then, we'll just keep doing what we're doing and staying positive. So far, there has been no spotting, and I do not have that wonky pain on my left side that I had the entire time with our angel baby. I actually don't hardly feel anything at all, except hungry and exhausted (i.e. going to bed at 7:30pm). And the constant peeing and thirst. But honestly, not much else. I am also taking this as a good sign.
I checked my calendar, and last time I visited the doctor in a panic on June 11, when I was 7 weeks, 2 days. I had been spotting and uncomfortable, and knew something was wrong. That was when she found the hematoma. And I had kept bleeding consistently since then. I already feel better about this. And even if there is no baby, or it's chemical, or even if I lose it this week or next, at least we know that we are capable of getting pregnant again (um, rather easily... as my husband would point out). So that is all positive, and I feel good. I feel like, for the first time in a while, that I could possibly be capable of doing this. Although 9 months seems like an excruciatingly long time for my body to behave, I have hope. I have faith. And I have love. And I am praying that we can make it through this.
Also, we put our deposit down on a puppy, so I will have a squishy, fat, puppy nugget to squeeze regardless of what happens. ;)
-Emily
I have never before felt that was so much my mantra as I have this year. 2015 was a turbulent and not quite wonderful year for our family. The fact that we are just two days away from 2016 - a "9" year, which my friend who is into astrology says is a wonderful thing because it means positive change and in tarot it means energy of attainment and renewal ... (not that I believe in that stuff, per se... ;) - a year of change sounds really great. Positive change. I can feel it, I can feel the past year sloughing away as we slide into 2016.
The energy seems to be all around us. I know many, many people who are quite ready for the countdown to Midnight January 1st, 2016. This year was full of trials, tribulations, challenges, growth, and awakenings. I think we will carry these teachings into the new year.
Anyways, I just wanted to check in and let you know how things are progressing, because apparently things are progressing. So much so that I have joined the "August 2016 Birth Club" on BabyCenter. That's brave, bold, and unexpected. But I love hearing stories from pregnant women due in August, like us, who are unaffected by loss and sadness. They are excited--posting pictures of their ultrasounds and planning when to have a baby shower, and discussing what they want to eat. As much as I love my support groups, and plan to stay active with them, I do enjoy the less ominous feel I get from these new or second, third, fourth time moms who may have experienced loss, but are looking positively towards the future.
So I have decided to try to stay as positive as possible, and just be happy with whatever outcome we have. Because I have learned that "que sera, sera" and what will be, will be.
Our unoffiical due date would be August 26, 2016. I love that number, so many loops! 9-26-16.
I am currently so hungry I could eat multiple cows a day. I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop and get sick. I woke up slightly nauseous at 3 AM today, but nothing came of it. Though, my last pregnancy I was hardly ever sick. Just occasionally in the afternoon my stomach would turn. Last time I hated sweets, and I am still not into chocolate, but last night for dinner I wanted a McFlurry. Just a McFlurry. So that is different.
I have a doctor's appointment scheduled for January 13th at 10:15AM with Doctor W. this would be 7 weeks, 5 days along, which means we should get a heartbeat, image of the baby, and dating. Assuming she does an US, but after our last experience, I have a feeling she will if she can. If not, we'll schedule an ultrasound for 8 weeks (see, I think we'll just do it).
I guess, until then, we'll just keep doing what we're doing and staying positive. So far, there has been no spotting, and I do not have that wonky pain on my left side that I had the entire time with our angel baby. I actually don't hardly feel anything at all, except hungry and exhausted (i.e. going to bed at 7:30pm). And the constant peeing and thirst. But honestly, not much else. I am also taking this as a good sign.
I checked my calendar, and last time I visited the doctor in a panic on June 11, when I was 7 weeks, 2 days. I had been spotting and uncomfortable, and knew something was wrong. That was when she found the hematoma. And I had kept bleeding consistently since then. I already feel better about this. And even if there is no baby, or it's chemical, or even if I lose it this week or next, at least we know that we are capable of getting pregnant again (um, rather easily... as my husband would point out). So that is all positive, and I feel good. I feel like, for the first time in a while, that I could possibly be capable of doing this. Although 9 months seems like an excruciatingly long time for my body to behave, I have hope. I have faith. And I have love. And I am praying that we can make it through this.
Also, we put our deposit down on a puppy, so I will have a squishy, fat, puppy nugget to squeeze regardless of what happens. ;)
-Emily
Wednesday, December 16, 2015
I'm seeing double
So this happened:
I.N.S.A.N.E.
I cannot believe it. The odds were so slim--my husband is NEVER going to let me live it down! LOL This also explains all the emotions I've been feeling.
So we are one day out from my period, which means we are still EXTREMELY early to be having any kind of feelings about this. Especially since the test this morning was slightly lighter than yesterday, and my temp dropped a 1/10th of a degree.
That being said, if we make it through to the weekend with no bleeding, I guess it is time to start believing this might be happening. Whoa. I am literally blown away....
Going to keep doing tests and see how the lines are darkening. Today I added back in:
Cinnamon, Vitamin K, Vitamin E, and Vinegar (with "The Mother"). Also still taking Vitex. Starting back on my progesterone (after a three day lapse... i hope that didn't hurt things too much :( ) and still on the Prenatals with Folate....
I'm still in shock, and I still don't believe it's true... but my bladder believes it's true because I have been up to pee at 3 AM every night this week. And my lady nips are SORE. So... yea.
What the what.
-Emily
 |
| The not-so-faint but still pretty faint positive |
I.N.S.A.N.E.
I cannot believe it. The odds were so slim--my husband is NEVER going to let me live it down! LOL This also explains all the emotions I've been feeling.
So we are one day out from my period, which means we are still EXTREMELY early to be having any kind of feelings about this. Especially since the test this morning was slightly lighter than yesterday, and my temp dropped a 1/10th of a degree.
That being said, if we make it through to the weekend with no bleeding, I guess it is time to start believing this might be happening. Whoa. I am literally blown away....
Going to keep doing tests and see how the lines are darkening. Today I added back in:
Cinnamon, Vitamin K, Vitamin E, and Vinegar (with "The Mother"). Also still taking Vitex. Starting back on my progesterone (after a three day lapse... i hope that didn't hurt things too much :( ) and still on the Prenatals with Folate....
I'm still in shock, and I still don't believe it's true... but my bladder believes it's true because I have been up to pee at 3 AM every night this week. And my lady nips are SORE. So... yea.
What the what.
-Emily
Monday, December 14, 2015
Holiday Blues :(
Friday was an interesting day. Friday was a day that I think I might have hit rock bottom in my life - physically, emotionally, financially.
With the buying of the house, we are reassessing our finances, and I am seeing just how much money I have spent over the past three months trying to fill the void in my womb with... "stuff". Skirts, clothes, trips, chairs, furniture, food, anything that isn't baby-focused, I am buying it. We are so in debt right now. It adds up so quickly--doctor bills, medical bills, house assessments, inspections... it all went on the credit card as we saved money to pay for the house.
So, we are in debt, it's Christmas, our monthly payments are about to double, and we planned this trip to Ireland on a lark, that now we are mostly just dreading because we have to pay for it. I feel sick to my stomach.
Speaking of stomachs, I am eating like a cow. I mean, just filling my stomach until it is tight and then stretches out again.I'm always hungry, and I've now peaked at 300 lbs .... I am back down to 296, but "down to 296" doesn't really seem like a positive set of words to me.
The Chris Powell plan I was doing worked really well, but then my 'accountability partner' never started, so I was on my own, and of course the machine took back over. I am hoping to start it again once I am positive we are not pregnant again. (torque and jumping around with a potential pregnancy seems dangerous since hematomas are so questionable, i am just trying to stay calm and low-key).
Anyways, Friday I realized I should be 8 months pregnant. I should be huge, with a big belly, and everyone taking bets on what day I am due. But instead I made a massive mistake at work that cost us a lot of money, my husband and I are constantly on edge with each other, and I feel so utterly worthless as a woman as I am reliving the events of July 31st with vivid clarity.
Nothing I do seems successful. I am seeing myself as a total failure. Apparently a side effect of progesterone is "worry" and "depression" and I can say that I have definitely felt those emotions amp up. But it could also be the holiday season. Everyone I know (I know that is hyperbole, but since I am 27 and most of my friends are just now married/newlyweds, it's not far off) is pregnant or posting their one-month-old baby pictures. So Friday night I was an utter mess. The sobbing--it was the raking, choking, whole body shaking sobbing--from July. I felt utter despair. I was lost. I am lost. I am spinning my wheels. My brain is officially burning more calories worrying and thinking about things than my body is working out. The calm I found over the past few months of controlling my food and exercising daily is gone and replaced with what I can only describe as the "worst version of Emily" I have ever seen.
I have also been taking pregnancy tests like a crazy maniac. They are, of course, all negative. Not only was it too soon, but we also missed the most fertile window, and the odds are so slim. That being said, my BBT (which should be dropping dramatically as we head into AF time) is rising steadily, and it is as high as it was when I was pregnant. So I am confused, and hopeful, and scared, and concerned that I'm not doing the right thing. Then add on house stress, and the weight gain.
I don't know. I am just so unhappy with how weak I feel. My husband did not marry this woman. I was not obsessed with babies, and I certainly didn't weigh 300 lbs when we met. And I don't think I'd like myself if I met me. But it seems so hard to change. So hard to get my mind back on track. How do I get it to stop careening down a path to self destruction?
I guess all we can do is try harder, and stop worrying about a. what other people think and b. about failing. That is all I can do. I want to pull myself out of this hole, but it is quite dark and quiet and cozy down here. So I might just leave myself here until Christmas has passed.
-Emily
P.S. I cried at a Target commercial. A TARGET COMMERCIAL.
P.P.S. I cried at the Thanksgiving episode of The Goldbergs. My hormones are a wreck.
With the buying of the house, we are reassessing our finances, and I am seeing just how much money I have spent over the past three months trying to fill the void in my womb with... "stuff". Skirts, clothes, trips, chairs, furniture, food, anything that isn't baby-focused, I am buying it. We are so in debt right now. It adds up so quickly--doctor bills, medical bills, house assessments, inspections... it all went on the credit card as we saved money to pay for the house.
So, we are in debt, it's Christmas, our monthly payments are about to double, and we planned this trip to Ireland on a lark, that now we are mostly just dreading because we have to pay for it. I feel sick to my stomach.
Speaking of stomachs, I am eating like a cow. I mean, just filling my stomach until it is tight and then stretches out again.I'm always hungry, and I've now peaked at 300 lbs .... I am back down to 296, but "down to 296" doesn't really seem like a positive set of words to me.
The Chris Powell plan I was doing worked really well, but then my 'accountability partner' never started, so I was on my own, and of course the machine took back over. I am hoping to start it again once I am positive we are not pregnant again. (torque and jumping around with a potential pregnancy seems dangerous since hematomas are so questionable, i am just trying to stay calm and low-key).
Anyways, Friday I realized I should be 8 months pregnant. I should be huge, with a big belly, and everyone taking bets on what day I am due. But instead I made a massive mistake at work that cost us a lot of money, my husband and I are constantly on edge with each other, and I feel so utterly worthless as a woman as I am reliving the events of July 31st with vivid clarity.
Nothing I do seems successful. I am seeing myself as a total failure. Apparently a side effect of progesterone is "worry" and "depression" and I can say that I have definitely felt those emotions amp up. But it could also be the holiday season. Everyone I know (I know that is hyperbole, but since I am 27 and most of my friends are just now married/newlyweds, it's not far off) is pregnant or posting their one-month-old baby pictures. So Friday night I was an utter mess. The sobbing--it was the raking, choking, whole body shaking sobbing--from July. I felt utter despair. I was lost. I am lost. I am spinning my wheels. My brain is officially burning more calories worrying and thinking about things than my body is working out. The calm I found over the past few months of controlling my food and exercising daily is gone and replaced with what I can only describe as the "worst version of Emily" I have ever seen.
I have also been taking pregnancy tests like a crazy maniac. They are, of course, all negative. Not only was it too soon, but we also missed the most fertile window, and the odds are so slim. That being said, my BBT (which should be dropping dramatically as we head into AF time) is rising steadily, and it is as high as it was when I was pregnant. So I am confused, and hopeful, and scared, and concerned that I'm not doing the right thing. Then add on house stress, and the weight gain.
I don't know. I am just so unhappy with how weak I feel. My husband did not marry this woman. I was not obsessed with babies, and I certainly didn't weigh 300 lbs when we met. And I don't think I'd like myself if I met me. But it seems so hard to change. So hard to get my mind back on track. How do I get it to stop careening down a path to self destruction?
I guess all we can do is try harder, and stop worrying about a. what other people think and b. about failing. That is all I can do. I want to pull myself out of this hole, but it is quite dark and quiet and cozy down here. So I might just leave myself here until Christmas has passed.
-Emily
P.S. I cried at a Target commercial. A TARGET COMMERCIAL.
P.P.S. I cried at the Thanksgiving episode of The Goldbergs. My hormones are a wreck.
Wednesday, December 9, 2015
Seeing Things
So, I am not sure if I ovulated on Tuesday or Thursday, but depending, I am either 8 or 6 DPO (Days Post Ovulation)
I took a FRER (First Response Early Response) just... because I am a nutcase and I find it fun. The test was negative, OBVIOUSLY, but then I started playing around with the color settings (which is what we nutters do when we test too early) and I swear I see a line.
I understand this could be a. my imagination b. the camera picking up on the antibody dye that is used there c. evaporation lines - the lines that turn pink when testing then fade.
Anyways, regardless of the outcome, I think it's super fun, and the waiting is a big game, and I love this part. So here ya go, make your own decisions! ... :)
I took a FRER (First Response Early Response) just... because I am a nutcase and I find it fun. The test was negative, OBVIOUSLY, but then I started playing around with the color settings (which is what we nutters do when we test too early) and I swear I see a line.
I understand this could be a. my imagination b. the camera picking up on the antibody dye that is used there c. evaporation lines - the lines that turn pink when testing then fade.
Anyways, regardless of the outcome, I think it's super fun, and the waiting is a big game, and I love this part. So here ya go, make your own decisions! ... :)
 |
| No tweaking done to this test, it is just what I see (a big fat NOTHING) |
 |
| Tweaked with a different contrast/lighting.... is there a line there.... is it a ghost line.... is it signs of what is to come? I guess we'll find out in a week's time. :)
-Emily
|
Monday, December 7, 2015
TWW (Two Week Wait)
Well, we may or may not have continued down that path of "not trying, not no trying" and now we are in the two week wait. Since I still think we missed the very small window of possibility, I am not getting my hopes up (and actually, starting to realize how hard it'd be to pack up and move if I'm pregnant!... which is why we'd pay someone to do it if that's the case.) But regardless, since we have a fraction of a chance of it happening, I am still going through the process of taking extra precautions. We are in full-out supplement mode.
With all that in mind, I called the specialist on Friday, and was told by the nurse that they would not prescribe progesterone for me unless I have a confirmed pregnancy. (8-12 week appt.)
What?
That contradicts literally everything I've read about progesterone, fertility -- everything.
Why would I take a uterine-supporting system to help an implantation take place once implantation has already taken place? And you're not even supposed to take it after 12 weeks of pregnancy. I think the nurse was just making stuff up OR I am way off the mark and totally wrong. But according to the multiple communities I am a part of, you are supposed to take progesterone the day after you ovulate until you find out if there is a pregnancy.
I was, of course, confused and frustrated, so Friday night I went home and counted out the progesterone I have left from my pregnancy. There are exactly 6 weeks worth of pills. Which means after this month, we will have 4 weeks. Since we won't even mess around with trying in December, we will have enough progesterone for January and February. After that, I will have to get a confirmation of pregnancy and a new prescription.
I just don't understand how my caretakers are telling me such different things from what the rest of the community on the boards are hearing from their doctors. I honestly feel like they are laughing at me for being upset. Like they don't truly understand the loss we experienced. I know they deal with it daily, and we were not as far along as many other people who need specialist care, but I also don't think what happened is something to scoff at.
Luckily, a coworker of mine told me about a doctor at another nearby hospital known for their NICU and birthing specialists, and we will be talking to him. I don't know, all I can do is try, and that's my mentality right now. Just do what you can to try to make things better.
-Emily
With all that in mind, I called the specialist on Friday, and was told by the nurse that they would not prescribe progesterone for me unless I have a confirmed pregnancy. (8-12 week appt.)
What?
That contradicts literally everything I've read about progesterone, fertility -- everything.
Why would I take a uterine-supporting system to help an implantation take place once implantation has already taken place? And you're not even supposed to take it after 12 weeks of pregnancy. I think the nurse was just making stuff up OR I am way off the mark and totally wrong. But according to the multiple communities I am a part of, you are supposed to take progesterone the day after you ovulate until you find out if there is a pregnancy.
I was, of course, confused and frustrated, so Friday night I went home and counted out the progesterone I have left from my pregnancy. There are exactly 6 weeks worth of pills. Which means after this month, we will have 4 weeks. Since we won't even mess around with trying in December, we will have enough progesterone for January and February. After that, I will have to get a confirmation of pregnancy and a new prescription.
I just don't understand how my caretakers are telling me such different things from what the rest of the community on the boards are hearing from their doctors. I honestly feel like they are laughing at me for being upset. Like they don't truly understand the loss we experienced. I know they deal with it daily, and we were not as far along as many other people who need specialist care, but I also don't think what happened is something to scoff at.
Luckily, a coworker of mine told me about a doctor at another nearby hospital known for their NICU and birthing specialists, and we will be talking to him. I don't know, all I can do is try, and that's my mentality right now. Just do what you can to try to make things better.
-Emily
Monday, November 30, 2015
It's a new dawn, it's a new day, and I'm feeling good.
I will tell you one thing about charting cycles--there is very little mystery leftover once you are counting down hours to ovulation. I can absolutely see how OBs tell their patients struggling to conceive to stop worrying and just have fun. Once you realize that your female reproductive system is *TYPICALLY* a well oiled machine, the chance of it going off track becomes less and less.
I preface this post with that, because my husband cracked under pressure, and we momentarily lapsed in our "abstinence until Ireland" (not exactly abstinence, but you get my point). But since I know my chart like the back of my hand, I am 90% certain there is no chance of conception. Not like I'm rooting for it, as you know, there is a lot on my plate right now, but it is kind of ... boring (that's not the right word at all)... comforting? predictable?? knowing your body's rhythms. We are just about 3 days shy of it being even a slight chance.
Anyways, that's not what I'm here to talk about today. I'm here to talk about preparations for ttc. And since we are playing with fire, I have no fully loaded on the primary conception plans-
- aspirin
- prenatals
- vitex
- glucosamine
- vinegar
- cinnamon
- Progesterone 1 day post ovulation
In January, I will add back in Cayenne pepper and wheat grass, as well as start drinking my nettle tea each morning.
I did end up calling the specialist, and they confirmed my phospholipid panels all came back negative. So, according to modern science, there is nothing wrong with me. I am not so convinced. I just found out a friend of mine from one of my hematoma boards who lost a baby at 20 weeks to a SCH was diagnosed with not one, but two hematomas in her current pregnancy. There is a chance they will break up and disappear, as that is the more common outcome for women, and those of us who have lost because of it might just be more sensitive to their appearance. But I think that, when it comes to bodies, there is so much science we don't understand yet, and this is a highly under-researched condition. And I do not believe they are flukes or chance. She was on all of the medicines I am taking, she took all the precautions, and yet here we are, more hematomas. More question marks and fear in a pregnancy that should be a boring 9 months. I will keep researching and putting what I find here, but I am not convinced that because I tested negative for phospholipid clotting problems or Leiden Factor V that there isn't something else going on. I guess we'll find out in my next pregnancy if we get another SCH. . . and the pregnancy after that... and the pregnancy after that.
I also wanted to share something weird with you. Due to current work conditions, house-buying conditions, and other stress factors in my life, I developed an eye spasm last week. It was pretty bad, and it comes and goes when I am in stressful situations. So I was reading about cures last night trying to find SOMETHING to help. I stumbled on a blog of a girl who was told by her eye doctor to try Tonic Water. She said it cured hers, and any time it flared up, she'd drink tonic water and it'd stop. Tonic Water has quinine, a smashed up bitter root that is considered a muscle relaxant. Well, my husband brought home diet tonic water, and I drank half the bottle (after a. a glass of wine to relax me further and b. filling it with Mio cause tonic SUCKS) and no twitch today! It's also my first day back at work in a stressful environment after Thanksgiving and still no twitch!!! I will finish off the bottle tonight. So there you go - a life hack. Tonic Water = Kills Eye Spasms.
Alright, it's cyber Monday. Off to go find some deals and cross off Christmas lists.
-Emily
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