It's been seven weeks now with our tiny human, and the world has shifted. Significantly.
I can't even explain how different things are, and I'm not sure it's worth trying. You will understand when you have children, or you already have children and you know what I mean.
There is a clear divide between pre and post baby, and it's like a whole separate life, and a whole different me. And to be honest, this new life is wonderfully scary. I'm not going to sugar-coat the mourning. I miss my 'freedom' and ability to do what I wanted when I wanted. If I could go back in time I would tell myself to take better advantage of that freedom. Now, everything is calculated and planned. Everything has to coordinate with the baby. And that's okay. It's also just exhausting.
She consumes our world and our energy. And I love that. I love having a purpose. She has given me new reasons to breathe.
I am also experimenting with my "mother's inutition". I've limited my board searching (to mostly POAS boards where women from my birth month pee on sticks to see if they're already pregnant. I do this not to judge, but partly out of jealousy. I miss being pregnant!!) We're doing this with our own instincts, and I think things have been running more smoothly.
She has a milk allergy, so we use Nutramigen. Everyone keeps telling us she'll get off the Nutramigen and onto regular formula soon. But you know what? She's gaining weight and happier than she's ever been. So I'm not worrying about switching her. She is allergic to my milk (dairy). So I am pumping and freezing while we get her leveled out. Eventually she'll get the breast milk, but for now, her baby acne and eczema has cleared up without my milk. We also have her on Aquafor and Eucerin baths. Poor thing has skin like her parents.
She's also tall (23") weighs 11.9 lbs and is a "mover" according to her pediatrician. She's rolling over from tummy to back and likes to hold her head up on her own. She rolls off of us when we're doing skin to skin.
She's amazing!!
So some fun products I'm trying -
We're installing our diaper sprayer, so I get to start using cloth as soon as it's functional! We have about 20 all in one diapers, so I'm hoping that will get us through two days, and then disposables at night. We got the bumkins sprayer, and I just need some pieces for the toilet connector and then we can start that. Yesterday I ordered her the new GroVia O.N.E. Onyx Stripe diaper. So far my favorite diapers are GroVia, Lalabye, and Thirsties. Blueberry too, but they seem to fit better when she's a little bigger. They just look all bunched up.
I also got her a SweeTooth teether. She's not teething according to the ped, but she chews on our fingers and fingernails and is drooling nonstop. So I wanted to have it for when she's ready for it.
I also got the new Ju-Ju-Be Chrome Be Classy bag as a purse for me when I go back to work. I've been using the BFF as her diaper bag and LOVE it. It's a big splurge, but I want to feel professional and 'together' when I go back to work. And that's a big step towards that. Before going back to work I need to:
Organize the house
Get cloth diaper plan in place
Get new clothes for me
Organize my clothes and try to pick colors/patterns/styles that all go together
Get rid of stuff (seriously, I need to read my organization book)
Get makeup together to do at work since she won't let me do it here yet (takes too long)
Go to Golds Gym and get my morning makeup stuff out of my locker
Lots to do, and only 4 weeks left to do it. My heart is breaking that work starts so soon, but life must go on and paychecks must be made.
Going forward, I will be writing my blog on my mommy page about growing up. But I'll come here to post about health stuff for subchorionic hematomas.
This has been an epic journey... and we've only just begun.
XxemxX
Showing posts with label rainbow baby. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rainbow baby. Show all posts
Saturday, October 15, 2016
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
Lazy Posting
I just read the title of my blog again. "Surviving a subchorionic hematoma."
Surviving.
That is what I have been doing for over a year now. Just... surviving. I haven't been living. I haven't been fully and truly living and enjoying my life. I've been so scared, cowering from the fear of pain, loss, grief. The fear that we're going to go through another cataclysmic event. I am surviving.
And surviving--that is important. Probably just as important as living, because no one goes from pure, earth-shaking, heart-wrenching grief to fully living. The surviving is the middle stage. I needed to learn how to survive again, because there were times where I wasn't sure how I could. And even now, with life turning around for us a bit, and a healthy baby kicking my ribs, the thought of LIVING seems like a far-off, distant possibility.
But I see it again. I see it in my future... there is a little light shining ahead of me, glowing in the distance, almost within my grasp. A light where dreams come true, hard work pays off, and happiness can be found. My fear is still muting it. Trust me, I'm terrified. And I don't know if I'll be able to breathe easily until I hear my daughter screaming, and find out she's healthy. I know that I've got at least another week left before I am able to start moving towards that light of living.
Do I regret getting pregnant so quickly after my loss? In some ways, I feel like she got robbed. In some ways, I wish we had waited a little longer to allow the healing to have gotten further along. But, could we have fully healed not knowing if we could do the one thing we want most? Complete our family? I honestly don't know. Waiting could have prolonged the suffering even more.
But here we are, on the dawn of a new chapter. In so many ways. I just got a promotion at work, I can finally believe and trust that things might be okay financially. We can afford a new roof once I pay off some debt, in a few months I'll be able to start fixing stuff around the house that have been put on hold (rock beds, de-weeding, fence mending, power washing, getting into the attic, painting...)
These are all little glimmers of hope. Of light. Of a future I can believe in again. Did this baby suffer? I don't think so. She certainly won't when she's here. My fear has not kept either of us from bonding with her. If anything, we are too attached, and I am more scared of that than anything else. She is probably the most loved child on the planet right now (yea, yea, you think your baby is, you are wrong ;) ). So did she suffer for it? No. Will she? No. She is part of my glimmer of light.
And even if something happens... at least I can know that through the darkness and from the ashes I can rise yet again. We are all able to be reborn. So we learned from childhood Sunday school, and so we experience over and over again. And while I'm just a little fledgling, I am starting to believe that life is good again. It's hard, and sad, and scary, and bad stuff happens. Yes, it does. But it doesn't ALWAYS have to be bad.
So, give me a few more days of "survival", and then, we'll move into the living portion, where I start pulling back the shades and dipping my toe into the pool of life again. That's the hope, that's what I pray for, and that's what we're working towards. While I have no control of anything, that's where I'm at right now. It's the only way I can accept the past 16 months.
Baby update - no real contractions, no more braxton hicks, no mucus plug, baby in my ribs. No real progress. guessing no more dilation (we were at 1 cm for two weeks). While this doesn't mean jack, it also definitely doesn't mean I am in labor, and that's what we're aiming for!
Next appointment is friday, where I will be asking to schedule an induction / c-section. Physically, I feel wonderful! Hips are alright, sleeping not great, but sleeping, I am hot and sweaty and smell bad, and I officially can't eat dairy anymore because it tastes horribly disgusting. But mentally? Mentally, i am exhausted. Mentally, I am drained. Mentally there isn't much left. Work is sucking up the majority of the stamina I have left, and baby stuff... don't even get me started. The waiting. The watching. The not knowing. My brain is just about at the end of its rope. So yea, while I could go two more weeks physically, I am pretty much burnt out emotionally, and that's a scary place to be. So I should have more information for the blog after my appointment Friday. Last Wednesday we were "1 and a wiggle cm" dilated, cervix long and firm, but coming 'forward'. BP was 130/80 (creeping up). My hands are numb and tingly and puffy from carpal tunnel, my feet are like sausages, but the baby isn't showing any signs of being ready. I am frustrated and upset at my doctor (probably mostly hormonal, because logically I know why my baby isn't here in my arms yet, wiggling around. but emotionally, I am so mad that she's not after months of hearing we'd go early).
Yea... it's a weird place to be. A true holding pattern. Like the planes that land in London, circling around the river Thames, watching the Eye spin around, and cars attempt to get through gridlock, and Big Ben standing proud over his city. I'm just up here watching, waiting, and praying. Hoping for the best, and looking forward to the future. Finally, a future with light I can see.
-Em
Surviving.
That is what I have been doing for over a year now. Just... surviving. I haven't been living. I haven't been fully and truly living and enjoying my life. I've been so scared, cowering from the fear of pain, loss, grief. The fear that we're going to go through another cataclysmic event. I am surviving.
And surviving--that is important. Probably just as important as living, because no one goes from pure, earth-shaking, heart-wrenching grief to fully living. The surviving is the middle stage. I needed to learn how to survive again, because there were times where I wasn't sure how I could. And even now, with life turning around for us a bit, and a healthy baby kicking my ribs, the thought of LIVING seems like a far-off, distant possibility.
But I see it again. I see it in my future... there is a little light shining ahead of me, glowing in the distance, almost within my grasp. A light where dreams come true, hard work pays off, and happiness can be found. My fear is still muting it. Trust me, I'm terrified. And I don't know if I'll be able to breathe easily until I hear my daughter screaming, and find out she's healthy. I know that I've got at least another week left before I am able to start moving towards that light of living.
Do I regret getting pregnant so quickly after my loss? In some ways, I feel like she got robbed. In some ways, I wish we had waited a little longer to allow the healing to have gotten further along. But, could we have fully healed not knowing if we could do the one thing we want most? Complete our family? I honestly don't know. Waiting could have prolonged the suffering even more.
But here we are, on the dawn of a new chapter. In so many ways. I just got a promotion at work, I can finally believe and trust that things might be okay financially. We can afford a new roof once I pay off some debt, in a few months I'll be able to start fixing stuff around the house that have been put on hold (rock beds, de-weeding, fence mending, power washing, getting into the attic, painting...)
These are all little glimmers of hope. Of light. Of a future I can believe in again. Did this baby suffer? I don't think so. She certainly won't when she's here. My fear has not kept either of us from bonding with her. If anything, we are too attached, and I am more scared of that than anything else. She is probably the most loved child on the planet right now (yea, yea, you think your baby is, you are wrong ;) ). So did she suffer for it? No. Will she? No. She is part of my glimmer of light.
And even if something happens... at least I can know that through the darkness and from the ashes I can rise yet again. We are all able to be reborn. So we learned from childhood Sunday school, and so we experience over and over again. And while I'm just a little fledgling, I am starting to believe that life is good again. It's hard, and sad, and scary, and bad stuff happens. Yes, it does. But it doesn't ALWAYS have to be bad.
So, give me a few more days of "survival", and then, we'll move into the living portion, where I start pulling back the shades and dipping my toe into the pool of life again. That's the hope, that's what I pray for, and that's what we're working towards. While I have no control of anything, that's where I'm at right now. It's the only way I can accept the past 16 months.
Baby update - no real contractions, no more braxton hicks, no mucus plug, baby in my ribs. No real progress. guessing no more dilation (we were at 1 cm for two weeks). While this doesn't mean jack, it also definitely doesn't mean I am in labor, and that's what we're aiming for!
Next appointment is friday, where I will be asking to schedule an induction / c-section. Physically, I feel wonderful! Hips are alright, sleeping not great, but sleeping, I am hot and sweaty and smell bad, and I officially can't eat dairy anymore because it tastes horribly disgusting. But mentally? Mentally, i am exhausted. Mentally, I am drained. Mentally there isn't much left. Work is sucking up the majority of the stamina I have left, and baby stuff... don't even get me started. The waiting. The watching. The not knowing. My brain is just about at the end of its rope. So yea, while I could go two more weeks physically, I am pretty much burnt out emotionally, and that's a scary place to be. So I should have more information for the blog after my appointment Friday. Last Wednesday we were "1 and a wiggle cm" dilated, cervix long and firm, but coming 'forward'. BP was 130/80 (creeping up). My hands are numb and tingly and puffy from carpal tunnel, my feet are like sausages, but the baby isn't showing any signs of being ready. I am frustrated and upset at my doctor (probably mostly hormonal, because logically I know why my baby isn't here in my arms yet, wiggling around. but emotionally, I am so mad that she's not after months of hearing we'd go early).
Yea... it's a weird place to be. A true holding pattern. Like the planes that land in London, circling around the river Thames, watching the Eye spin around, and cars attempt to get through gridlock, and Big Ben standing proud over his city. I'm just up here watching, waiting, and praying. Hoping for the best, and looking forward to the future. Finally, a future with light I can see.
-Em
Friday, August 5, 2016
Friday Morning Musings - Come On Baby....
Alright, so it's been a while since a real update. Here's where we're at:
1.5cm dialated
Baby weighing in at 7lbs 3oz
Glucose levels hovering between 74-130 (Yay!) (But eating more to try to keep them above 90, so ... might be gaining more weight?)
Might be losing some of my mucus plug, but not confirmed
So at the last doctor appointment I was told - basically - that because of my obesity, we are screwed either way. Hear me out. The baby's head and bones are all slowing down and measuring correctly 37 weeks. However, her abdomen is measuring 40 weeks. Which puts us at risk for shoulder displasia if she comes vaginally and is too big (i.e. 39/40 weeks). If she comes early (this week or next) we might be okay, as my doctor thinks my body could handle a 7 or 8 lb baby.
However, if she doesn't come early, we will have to do a c-section. But, because of my excessive amounts of fat, I am at risk for "wound breakdown". Yes, something new to worry about. Basically, the weight keeps the stitches from healing properly and the wound breaks down. Which could require debridement. And honestly? I'm scared it could permanently ruin my uterus. I could be barren at 28 because I'm fat.
Doctor also told us that if she comes now, she should be okay size-wise and functionally good. So in my head, this means "okay baby, time to come." I'm praying she makes her appearance within the next 10 days. Preventing a c-section, and preventing shoulder displasia. Which, by the way, can result in broken collar bone or PARALYSIS.
After hearing these possibilities, I am pretty heartbroken. My poor life choices have resulted in me or my baby being hurt, me being infertile, or even more complications. I know I worked very hard on the diabetes meal plan, but I do wish I could try again and be even better so it never got this bad. I was very good, but not perfect. I know that. And I'm mortified. What I do know is that I will never, ever, ever be this heavy again, and I will never go through pregnancy this heavy again. And I will also start weaning myself off of caffeine and fake sugars and try to live as healthily as possible and also up my workout schedule. This is going to require a life change. And also a life change for my baby's sake so she never has this issue either.
I'm just... sad. Sad that there is a tiny human in me who we can't get out without danger unless she decides to come on her own, and let's be honest, what first time baby comes 3 weeks early when they're all snug and cozy in there? I am very concerned.
Not to mention, work has been insane. I'm training my temporary replacement, which has proven to be more of a challenge than I like to admit. There is some sense of control I dislike letting go. But more than that, she is very grabby, and also not very thorough. So I am seeing mistakes and worried about leaving. I know it will all work out, but I was hoping for a smoother transition. There are also questions about my job, which I believe will result in a positive outcome, but for the time being it is disconcerting and worrying and stressful. I was hoping these last few weeks would be calm and a time to wrap up. Instead, I'm just being bombarded with new challanges, and by Friday I want to curl into a ball and sleep/cry.
The thing they don't HONESTLY tell you about working full time and pregnancy? Your brain just doesn't work the same. Your body is physically exhausted. And you just. don't. care. Like, you want to, and you try your hardest, but the only thing that matters is your tiny baby in your tummy. And how can anything matter more than that ever? It's been difficult. I care so deeply about my job, my team, my performance, our products.... and it's weird walking away from it for 3 months, and handing over all of my responsibilites to someone. Which is very scary. What if she is better than me? What if they find my position unnecessary? What if they find mistakes while I'm out and fire me? All of these things are anxiety speaking, and I'm sure once baby gets here they'll hardly matter, but it's making my last month of work very stressful.
Not to mention, I still have THREE WEEKS LEFT. I don't know how that is even possible. My best friend is pregnant and she is already 1/2 way through her pregnancy. How do I still have almost a month left? There are only nine months in this process, and the last one truly does take an eternity. Having anxiety, fear, and exhaustion, oh and being obese and terrified of the outcome -- those all play into it, I am sure.
Sorry, I had this beautiful, bright sunny mentality last week, and this week it's like I can't even force myself to get out of bed. My brain is full, my heart is heavy, and i'm thinking this is post-partum kicking in early. My doctor is already aware, and we will address that with medication.
I just want that happiness back. But between work, health, fat, finances, husband, I am distracted and worried and not a damn thing seems to be helping, because once I tackle one demon, another pops up.
I guess that is life, and we have to learn to get through it together. I will console myself by going to the tax free weekend sale at Once Upon a Child and getting some cute baby items and telling myself that no matter what happens to me, this baby is my number 1 priority and her health is all that matters.
Now, to roll around on my exercise ball, drink Red Raspberry Leaf Tea, and eat pineapples. Oh and walk. Come on baby, be ready. We're so ready for you.
Em
1.5cm dialated
Baby weighing in at 7lbs 3oz
Glucose levels hovering between 74-130 (Yay!) (But eating more to try to keep them above 90, so ... might be gaining more weight?)
Might be losing some of my mucus plug, but not confirmed
So at the last doctor appointment I was told - basically - that because of my obesity, we are screwed either way. Hear me out. The baby's head and bones are all slowing down and measuring correctly 37 weeks. However, her abdomen is measuring 40 weeks. Which puts us at risk for shoulder displasia if she comes vaginally and is too big (i.e. 39/40 weeks). If she comes early (this week or next) we might be okay, as my doctor thinks my body could handle a 7 or 8 lb baby.
However, if she doesn't come early, we will have to do a c-section. But, because of my excessive amounts of fat, I am at risk for "wound breakdown". Yes, something new to worry about. Basically, the weight keeps the stitches from healing properly and the wound breaks down. Which could require debridement. And honestly? I'm scared it could permanently ruin my uterus. I could be barren at 28 because I'm fat.
Doctor also told us that if she comes now, she should be okay size-wise and functionally good. So in my head, this means "okay baby, time to come." I'm praying she makes her appearance within the next 10 days. Preventing a c-section, and preventing shoulder displasia. Which, by the way, can result in broken collar bone or PARALYSIS.
After hearing these possibilities, I am pretty heartbroken. My poor life choices have resulted in me or my baby being hurt, me being infertile, or even more complications. I know I worked very hard on the diabetes meal plan, but I do wish I could try again and be even better so it never got this bad. I was very good, but not perfect. I know that. And I'm mortified. What I do know is that I will never, ever, ever be this heavy again, and I will never go through pregnancy this heavy again. And I will also start weaning myself off of caffeine and fake sugars and try to live as healthily as possible and also up my workout schedule. This is going to require a life change. And also a life change for my baby's sake so she never has this issue either.
I'm just... sad. Sad that there is a tiny human in me who we can't get out without danger unless she decides to come on her own, and let's be honest, what first time baby comes 3 weeks early when they're all snug and cozy in there? I am very concerned.
Not to mention, work has been insane. I'm training my temporary replacement, which has proven to be more of a challenge than I like to admit. There is some sense of control I dislike letting go. But more than that, she is very grabby, and also not very thorough. So I am seeing mistakes and worried about leaving. I know it will all work out, but I was hoping for a smoother transition. There are also questions about my job, which I believe will result in a positive outcome, but for the time being it is disconcerting and worrying and stressful. I was hoping these last few weeks would be calm and a time to wrap up. Instead, I'm just being bombarded with new challanges, and by Friday I want to curl into a ball and sleep/cry.
The thing they don't HONESTLY tell you about working full time and pregnancy? Your brain just doesn't work the same. Your body is physically exhausted. And you just. don't. care. Like, you want to, and you try your hardest, but the only thing that matters is your tiny baby in your tummy. And how can anything matter more than that ever? It's been difficult. I care so deeply about my job, my team, my performance, our products.... and it's weird walking away from it for 3 months, and handing over all of my responsibilites to someone. Which is very scary. What if she is better than me? What if they find my position unnecessary? What if they find mistakes while I'm out and fire me? All of these things are anxiety speaking, and I'm sure once baby gets here they'll hardly matter, but it's making my last month of work very stressful.
Not to mention, I still have THREE WEEKS LEFT. I don't know how that is even possible. My best friend is pregnant and she is already 1/2 way through her pregnancy. How do I still have almost a month left? There are only nine months in this process, and the last one truly does take an eternity. Having anxiety, fear, and exhaustion, oh and being obese and terrified of the outcome -- those all play into it, I am sure.
Sorry, I had this beautiful, bright sunny mentality last week, and this week it's like I can't even force myself to get out of bed. My brain is full, my heart is heavy, and i'm thinking this is post-partum kicking in early. My doctor is already aware, and we will address that with medication.
I just want that happiness back. But between work, health, fat, finances, husband, I am distracted and worried and not a damn thing seems to be helping, because once I tackle one demon, another pops up.
I guess that is life, and we have to learn to get through it together. I will console myself by going to the tax free weekend sale at Once Upon a Child and getting some cute baby items and telling myself that no matter what happens to me, this baby is my number 1 priority and her health is all that matters.
Now, to roll around on my exercise ball, drink Red Raspberry Leaf Tea, and eat pineapples. Oh and walk. Come on baby, be ready. We're so ready for you.
Em
Thursday, July 28, 2016
Good Thoughts
Alright. It's Thursday, July 28. We are two days away from the anniversary of our loss. And this week has been somewhat of a turning point for yours truly.
The first four nights were spent miserable, crying, and freaked out. As I mentioned before, I had what I thought could have been some spotting over the weekend. We never really determined if it was or wasn't. But it stopped, and baby was moving so everything seemed okay.
Yesterday, my husband went with me to my 36 week appointment. We had an AFI (fluid check) an NST (her heart was perfect) and a cervix check (I am dialated 1cm). Everything looks great. I have a lot of fluid (high end of normal at 21.5 cm2. And when the doctor asked if we had any questions my husband told her my fears (cord prolapse, bad placenta, baby dying). And she reassured us that we're doing all the monitoring we could POSSIBLY be doing. And if I wanted to come in twice a week I could. But we're doing as much monitoring as someone with type 1 diabetes.
My fear, aggression, anger... I just ... had to take a big, deep breath and let it go. We have made it. We are at 36 weeks. This baby can come, and be okay. She has made it to term, and I took her there. If something horribly tragic happens (and it could, I am well aware of that), then we will deal with it. But, I have decided I am going to make the best of the next three weeks. Try not to worry, try not to stress, and just enjoy what time I have left with her on the inside before our lives change dramatically.
At this point, she's going to either come on her own, or the doctor will take her out if something looks dodgy. We are kick counting. She is head down, facing right and her feet are jabbing me on my right side. I can feel her almost all day. So, I have to let go and TRULY give it up to God. After I made that decision, I felt a huge sense of relief. Things that had been bothering me stopped. This is different from a 'manic' episode. Because I don't feel any of those crazy happy emotions. It's mostly just a release. A calm. I have done everything I can to keep her healthy and safe. I take my meds, I monitor my glucose. We show up to appointments and I did what I could to get her here. At this point, there's not much more I can possibly do.
So I'm going to be pregnant. And happy. and when the negative thoughts start creeping in (they still do) I will counter them with positive thoughts. I could tell last night as I reached exhaustion and night time set in, I was losing strength in my resolve. So I went to bed. And I woke up with my old mindset, but quickly altered to this new ideology. I want to enjoy the next three weeks. My husband and I will be going on a date night. And we are going to watch some movies we need to catch up on. We're going to enjoy eachother. And not be scared of sex. It's been 9 months since I haven't been terrified of sex... So that's a good thing to be over that hurdle for my marriage's sake!
What else... just a general sense of ease in life. I've been fighting, fighting, fighting so hard. Each minute of the day was a battle. Like I was claiming territory. Now? Now, I just need to let them pass over us, and let this baby decide when she is going to make her appearance. We are so, so in love with her. It actually hurts my heart to think about how much I love her. But I need to redirect that love into joy, and not fear. Fear is going to get us nowhere in the next few months. But love? Love is the answer.
this is not the July of last year. This is a new year. This is 2016, and we are miles ahead of where we were. And yes, we could end up 10 billion times more devastated then we were last year. Or we could end up with the most beautiful baby in the world who we love more than life itself. And that's what I am going to plan on. Because she is in there, scrumming around, comfy and content to kick me in the ribs. And she has her own plan. She always had. Even 36 weeks ago when she was conceived. She has been on her own schedule and has her own little plan. So, I'm going to trust her. Trust me. Trust my husband. And trust the process. We are so close, and I am finally FINALLY feeling some happiness. And joy.
Being scared for 9 months is exhausting. And it puts a serious dent in your morale and ability to love and be loved and I am TIRED of it. I am done with that. I am going to be a better, happier person. Similar to who I used to be, and just have faith.
Also? Immediately after changing my perspective, things at work changed. I was complimented twice on work ethic and the results I produce. Maybe I've been told this before and didn't hear it? But it was nice... like the earth's ebb and flow rewarded my positivity.
There are also two quotes I heard this week that I want to remember forever:
1. You can't choose when you are someone's friend. (In the context of, you can't be a fair-weather friend. Good or bad, if you are someone's friend you have to stay through it, or duck out, but you don't get to come and go as you please when it's easy.)
2. Being a woman means you have to be stronger. (Hilaria Baldwin's mother).
I think these are good ideas to run thoughts by to help gauge the 'big picture', and I will continue to do so.
Anyways, positive thoughts. Enjoying this pregnancy. Trusting my body. And just spilling love out into the universe.
-Emily at Peace-
The first four nights were spent miserable, crying, and freaked out. As I mentioned before, I had what I thought could have been some spotting over the weekend. We never really determined if it was or wasn't. But it stopped, and baby was moving so everything seemed okay.
Yesterday, my husband went with me to my 36 week appointment. We had an AFI (fluid check) an NST (her heart was perfect) and a cervix check (I am dialated 1cm). Everything looks great. I have a lot of fluid (high end of normal at 21.5 cm2. And when the doctor asked if we had any questions my husband told her my fears (cord prolapse, bad placenta, baby dying). And she reassured us that we're doing all the monitoring we could POSSIBLY be doing. And if I wanted to come in twice a week I could. But we're doing as much monitoring as someone with type 1 diabetes.
My fear, aggression, anger... I just ... had to take a big, deep breath and let it go. We have made it. We are at 36 weeks. This baby can come, and be okay. She has made it to term, and I took her there. If something horribly tragic happens (and it could, I am well aware of that), then we will deal with it. But, I have decided I am going to make the best of the next three weeks. Try not to worry, try not to stress, and just enjoy what time I have left with her on the inside before our lives change dramatically.
At this point, she's going to either come on her own, or the doctor will take her out if something looks dodgy. We are kick counting. She is head down, facing right and her feet are jabbing me on my right side. I can feel her almost all day. So, I have to let go and TRULY give it up to God. After I made that decision, I felt a huge sense of relief. Things that had been bothering me stopped. This is different from a 'manic' episode. Because I don't feel any of those crazy happy emotions. It's mostly just a release. A calm. I have done everything I can to keep her healthy and safe. I take my meds, I monitor my glucose. We show up to appointments and I did what I could to get her here. At this point, there's not much more I can possibly do.
So I'm going to be pregnant. And happy. and when the negative thoughts start creeping in (they still do) I will counter them with positive thoughts. I could tell last night as I reached exhaustion and night time set in, I was losing strength in my resolve. So I went to bed. And I woke up with my old mindset, but quickly altered to this new ideology. I want to enjoy the next three weeks. My husband and I will be going on a date night. And we are going to watch some movies we need to catch up on. We're going to enjoy eachother. And not be scared of sex. It's been 9 months since I haven't been terrified of sex... So that's a good thing to be over that hurdle for my marriage's sake!
What else... just a general sense of ease in life. I've been fighting, fighting, fighting so hard. Each minute of the day was a battle. Like I was claiming territory. Now? Now, I just need to let them pass over us, and let this baby decide when she is going to make her appearance. We are so, so in love with her. It actually hurts my heart to think about how much I love her. But I need to redirect that love into joy, and not fear. Fear is going to get us nowhere in the next few months. But love? Love is the answer.
this is not the July of last year. This is a new year. This is 2016, and we are miles ahead of where we were. And yes, we could end up 10 billion times more devastated then we were last year. Or we could end up with the most beautiful baby in the world who we love more than life itself. And that's what I am going to plan on. Because she is in there, scrumming around, comfy and content to kick me in the ribs. And she has her own plan. She always had. Even 36 weeks ago when she was conceived. She has been on her own schedule and has her own little plan. So, I'm going to trust her. Trust me. Trust my husband. And trust the process. We are so close, and I am finally FINALLY feeling some happiness. And joy.
Being scared for 9 months is exhausting. And it puts a serious dent in your morale and ability to love and be loved and I am TIRED of it. I am done with that. I am going to be a better, happier person. Similar to who I used to be, and just have faith.
Also? Immediately after changing my perspective, things at work changed. I was complimented twice on work ethic and the results I produce. Maybe I've been told this before and didn't hear it? But it was nice... like the earth's ebb and flow rewarded my positivity.
There are also two quotes I heard this week that I want to remember forever:
1. You can't choose when you are someone's friend. (In the context of, you can't be a fair-weather friend. Good or bad, if you are someone's friend you have to stay through it, or duck out, but you don't get to come and go as you please when it's easy.)
2. Being a woman means you have to be stronger. (Hilaria Baldwin's mother).
I think these are good ideas to run thoughts by to help gauge the 'big picture', and I will continue to do so.
Anyways, positive thoughts. Enjoying this pregnancy. Trusting my body. And just spilling love out into the universe.
-Emily at Peace-
Monday, July 25, 2016
come on tiny baby, we only have a few weeks left...
That is what I keep saying to this child. Come on tiny baby, we don't have long now. Hang in there, be okay. I must admit, my anxiety is pretty high right now. We are so, so very deeply invested in this life-changing process and our daughter being here. I am TERRIFIED of anything going wrong. Husband has asked me to get off of google/forums. I am trying to, but sometimes I freak out and look something up and BAM, there is someone who had a placental abruption at 35 weeks (out of the blue) and lost their son.
I realize we are being monitored more heavily than others, but it still scares me. Saturday night I had what looked like light spotting. I was a hot mess after that. We decided to wait it out and see, as it wasn't clearly blood. Nothing happened again, so I think we're okay. And baby was moving like CRAZY. Everyone tells me (including the OB) that movement is good, no movement is bad. And lots of movement is good too. So as long as I feel her, it's okay.
I've also been doing kick counts twice a day. Once after breakfast, once before bed. She flipped around I think ,so now her head is facing either out or left, because I'm feeling much more movement when she is moving. However, we do have a lot of sleepy times. I am trying to keep stress levels down at work so she is calmer and so am I. That way consciously feel for her throughout the day.
I feel like in the past week my stomach has just grown massively. Coworkers and randos on the street are asking when I'm due. I'm like, we've got another month left, at least. They can't believe it. I believe my 21.3cm of amniotic fluid makes me look bigger. I also found out it can cause cord problems or prolapsed cords. Seriously, have to stop reading the boards. But I am going to make a list of things that scare me and address them with the doctor this week. My therapist thinks I should write them out and hand her the list so I can't get shy and not ask. So that is the plan, and husband will be accompanying me for this appointment. It's my first cervical check, AND an ultrasound, and an NST, and an appointment. It's going to be a long morning.
Anyways, I'm huge, very uncomfortable, very nervous, and ready for her to be here safely. I know people keep telling me to 'enjoy' this last time before your life changes forever. But honestly? I have been waiting for her for so long now.... I just want her. We're so ready. I know our lives will be impacted in ways we can't even imagine. But it's going to be so, so wonderful to have our family.
At work, I am training the temp, who told me today she is feeling overwhelmed. I need to step back and take more steps to cover basics with her. I thought she was frustrated I wasn't giving her enough work, but turns out I was sending too much. She will be fine, and they'll cover me when I'm gone without a problem, so I am feeling calmer about this all. But yes. Crazy.
So the mural is almost done in the nursery. Pictures below. We're so close! Now we just need a few more items:
And that's about it!! There is a lot more we will need:
The list goes on, but what I want to have here before she arrives is almost ready! So exciting.
We'll do one big final sweep through Target and Babies R Us and get any last minute items. I have all of this breastfeeding stuff, so I am hoping we can make that work. I've attended our birthing class and our nursing class. We've got our birth plan written. Now I just ... wait. And you all know just how well I wait (not very well). 31 days if we make it to due date. 21 days left of work.
In our packed bags are:
Husband Bag -
Emily & Baby Bag -
Labor Bag -
I'm sure there's more, but that's the essentials.
So I was reading a story about a girl who has Type 1 diabetes, had a breech baby last pregnancy and had a c-section, and wants to do a VBAC. Her doctor and MFM has told her (basically) if it happens it happens, but she is very upset and wants her VBAC. At term. I am so scared of anything happening that I am all like "you want to take her on 38 weeks? Yes, please.". I don't understand how people can have such differing opinions. But I value reading them, because it helps keep mine in perspective. I hope she gets what she wants, but for me, I am so nervous of making a wrong decision, that I'll take a c-section if it's the only way. That being said, I will be upping my Red Raspberry Leaf tea intake to two cups/day starting this Friday. And up to 3 cups next week. I can feel her pushing on my bladder and cervix, and my pee trips at night have jumped from 2 to anywhere between 4-7. So while I know que sera sera, i think this baby is making her way to the exit, as Semisonic would say.
Okay I've started seriously nervous-rambling. What else do I want to record for posterity...
- my counselor is wanting me to check in with her after appointments to help keep anxiety at bay
- work... i don't know. it's just a big cluster sometimes. I don't know what to do about that
- no spotting or blood when i wipe, and good movement
- baby appears to have her head on my left side now, with legs on the left, butt on the right
- I'm not terrified of labor, maybe I should be? But the thought of getting there just makes me happy
- Constantly exhausted
- We put LED lights in the baby room. Which is the coolest thing ever. And our storage freezer arrives today.
- I will ask my doctor about tubular breasts... maybe. Maybe I don't want to know!
- Have started leaking colostrum. This morning Iwoke up with actual hardened beads. That's a first!
okay, more Wednesday.
-Emily
I realize we are being monitored more heavily than others, but it still scares me. Saturday night I had what looked like light spotting. I was a hot mess after that. We decided to wait it out and see, as it wasn't clearly blood. Nothing happened again, so I think we're okay. And baby was moving like CRAZY. Everyone tells me (including the OB) that movement is good, no movement is bad. And lots of movement is good too. So as long as I feel her, it's okay.
I've also been doing kick counts twice a day. Once after breakfast, once before bed. She flipped around I think ,so now her head is facing either out or left, because I'm feeling much more movement when she is moving. However, we do have a lot of sleepy times. I am trying to keep stress levels down at work so she is calmer and so am I. That way consciously feel for her throughout the day.
I feel like in the past week my stomach has just grown massively. Coworkers and randos on the street are asking when I'm due. I'm like, we've got another month left, at least. They can't believe it. I believe my 21.3cm of amniotic fluid makes me look bigger. I also found out it can cause cord problems or prolapsed cords. Seriously, have to stop reading the boards. But I am going to make a list of things that scare me and address them with the doctor this week. My therapist thinks I should write them out and hand her the list so I can't get shy and not ask. So that is the plan, and husband will be accompanying me for this appointment. It's my first cervical check, AND an ultrasound, and an NST, and an appointment. It's going to be a long morning.
Anyways, I'm huge, very uncomfortable, very nervous, and ready for her to be here safely. I know people keep telling me to 'enjoy' this last time before your life changes forever. But honestly? I have been waiting for her for so long now.... I just want her. We're so ready. I know our lives will be impacted in ways we can't even imagine. But it's going to be so, so wonderful to have our family.
At work, I am training the temp, who told me today she is feeling overwhelmed. I need to step back and take more steps to cover basics with her. I thought she was frustrated I wasn't giving her enough work, but turns out I was sending too much. She will be fine, and they'll cover me when I'm gone without a problem, so I am feeling calmer about this all. But yes. Crazy.
So the mural is almost done in the nursery. Pictures below. We're so close! Now we just need a few more items:
- swing
- baby wearing carrier (ergobaby or lillebabty)
- some more packs of onesies
- some more sleepers
- swaddlers for both newborn and next size up
- a couple more burp cloths
- a few more receiving blankets
- nipple guards (I think I might have tubular breasts :( I don't know for sure, but just in case these shields might help...)
And that's about it!! There is a lot more we will need:
- baby walker
- high chair
- running stroller
- boppy chair
- boppy pillow
- extra crib mattress (for our Secure Beginnings mattress)
The list goes on, but what I want to have here before she arrives is almost ready! So exciting.
We'll do one big final sweep through Target and Babies R Us and get any last minute items. I have all of this breastfeeding stuff, so I am hoping we can make that work. I've attended our birthing class and our nursing class. We've got our birth plan written. Now I just ... wait. And you all know just how well I wait (not very well). 31 days if we make it to due date. 21 days left of work.
In our packed bags are:
Husband Bag -
- Outfit essentials (boxers, pajamas, socks, t-shirts)
- Towel
- Pillow & Blanket
- Soap, facial moisturizer, deodorant
- Carseat (this is in the car...)
Emily & Baby Bag -
- 3 outfits for me (one nice one for pics, the rest are comfy)
- 1 Nursing bra
- 1 Nursing tank
- 1 onesie (plan on getting an additional outfit or two when we do our final shop for different sizes)
- 2 NB cloth diapers for pictures
- Nipple cream just in case
- Makeup bag
- Soap, shampoo, conditioner, deodorant
- 1 receiving blanket
- 1 muslin swaddle
- Socks (me and baby)
- Baby hat
- Debating a boppy if we get one
- A baggy full of wipes
- Colace
- Phone charger
- Pack of Magic the Gathering cards and deck to play with
- Ponytail holders and brush
Labor Bag -
- Two robes
- Fuzzy slipper socks
- Massage oil
- Heating pad
- Chapstick
- Lotion
- Contacts & solution
- Camera
I'm sure there's more, but that's the essentials.
So I was reading a story about a girl who has Type 1 diabetes, had a breech baby last pregnancy and had a c-section, and wants to do a VBAC. Her doctor and MFM has told her (basically) if it happens it happens, but she is very upset and wants her VBAC. At term. I am so scared of anything happening that I am all like "you want to take her on 38 weeks? Yes, please.". I don't understand how people can have such differing opinions. But I value reading them, because it helps keep mine in perspective. I hope she gets what she wants, but for me, I am so nervous of making a wrong decision, that I'll take a c-section if it's the only way. That being said, I will be upping my Red Raspberry Leaf tea intake to two cups/day starting this Friday. And up to 3 cups next week. I can feel her pushing on my bladder and cervix, and my pee trips at night have jumped from 2 to anywhere between 4-7. So while I know que sera sera, i think this baby is making her way to the exit, as Semisonic would say.
Okay I've started seriously nervous-rambling. What else do I want to record for posterity...
- my counselor is wanting me to check in with her after appointments to help keep anxiety at bay
- work... i don't know. it's just a big cluster sometimes. I don't know what to do about that
- no spotting or blood when i wipe, and good movement
- baby appears to have her head on my left side now, with legs on the left, butt on the right
- I'm not terrified of labor, maybe I should be? But the thought of getting there just makes me happy
- Constantly exhausted
- We put LED lights in the baby room. Which is the coolest thing ever. And our storage freezer arrives today.
- I will ask my doctor about tubular breasts... maybe. Maybe I don't want to know!
- Have started leaking colostrum. This morning Iwoke up with actual hardened beads. That's a first!
okay, more Wednesday.
-Emily
Tuesday, July 5, 2016
More Frequent Check-Ins
So Sunday afternoon I almost went to the hospital because I hadn't really felt baby give any good kicks all day, or the night before. I got dressed, decided I'd doppler her just to make myself feel better and she kicked the doppler off my stomach, and then went ballistic. So I did not go to the hospital.
My husband noted that we have a pattern. It's two days of movement, one day of quiet. So I'm going to start logging on here more frequently so I remember where we are in this pattern.
Friday July 1 - Lots of movement
Saturday July 2 - Movement in AM, quiet in PM
Sunday July 3 - Quiet almost all day
Monday July 4 - Movement almost all day
Tuesday July 5 - Movement in the AM, and overnight
Wed July 6 - Hardly any movement in the AM
This isn't really helpful to anyone but me, but so be it!!
Wednesday we have our first NST (non-stress test). I am excited to go in and hear her heartbeat for 30 minutes. I am going to ask if she'll write me a note to wear tennis shoes to work. My hips have been pretty brutally painful. It's my left buttock, and it pulls sometimes so bad I almost fall down. I will also be calling the chiropractor. Even though she charges like $75 dollars, I think it will be worth it to go and get things adjusted. Probably next week.
The following Wednesday we have our next growth scan, a non-stress test, and then an appointment. I'm thinking I'll take the whole day off work and use the afternoon to work on getting our house organized. OR I'll just take a half day, and take a full day after the next ultrasound day / after the shower when I can put stuff away and do laundry. That makes more sense. Especially since I'll want to come in and work on projects.
I've officially created a countdown at my desk. 35 days left (give or take 1 or 2) until her EDD. Which means I have 35 days to get every project I'm working on wrapped up, the temp trained, and my desk essentailly cleared out in case anything happens while I'm gone (they move me, they fire me, etc.)
I also found my FitBit, and I'm going to start wearing that. I've been having daily headaches, which I think is from looking at my phone too much, but just in case we're getting Pre-E signs, I want my heartrate being tracked.
So yea, that is what is up, more posts to come!! Oh, and later this week I will post about Scrumbles, because he has been on my mind so, so very much lately as we approach the year of our losing him. My heart is heavy.
-Em
My husband noted that we have a pattern. It's two days of movement, one day of quiet. So I'm going to start logging on here more frequently so I remember where we are in this pattern.
Friday July 1 - Lots of movement
Saturday July 2 - Movement in AM, quiet in PM
Sunday July 3 - Quiet almost all day
Monday July 4 - Movement almost all day
Tuesday July 5 - Movement in the AM, and overnight
Wed July 6 - Hardly any movement in the AM
This isn't really helpful to anyone but me, but so be it!!
Wednesday we have our first NST (non-stress test). I am excited to go in and hear her heartbeat for 30 minutes. I am going to ask if she'll write me a note to wear tennis shoes to work. My hips have been pretty brutally painful. It's my left buttock, and it pulls sometimes so bad I almost fall down. I will also be calling the chiropractor. Even though she charges like $75 dollars, I think it will be worth it to go and get things adjusted. Probably next week.
The following Wednesday we have our next growth scan, a non-stress test, and then an appointment. I'm thinking I'll take the whole day off work and use the afternoon to work on getting our house organized. OR I'll just take a half day, and take a full day after the next ultrasound day / after the shower when I can put stuff away and do laundry. That makes more sense. Especially since I'll want to come in and work on projects.
I've officially created a countdown at my desk. 35 days left (give or take 1 or 2) until her EDD. Which means I have 35 days to get every project I'm working on wrapped up, the temp trained, and my desk essentailly cleared out in case anything happens while I'm gone (they move me, they fire me, etc.)
I also found my FitBit, and I'm going to start wearing that. I've been having daily headaches, which I think is from looking at my phone too much, but just in case we're getting Pre-E signs, I want my heartrate being tracked.
So yea, that is what is up, more posts to come!! Oh, and later this week I will post about Scrumbles, because he has been on my mind so, so very much lately as we approach the year of our losing him. My heart is heavy.
-Em
More Frequent Check-Ins
So Sunday afternoon I almost went to the hospital because I hadn't really felt baby give any good kicks all day, or the night before. I got dressed, decided I'd doppler her just to make myself feel better and she kicked the doppler off my stomach, and then went ballistic. So I did not go to the hospital.
My husband noted that we have a pattern. It's two days of movement, one day of quiet. So I'm going to start logging on here more frequently so I remember where we are in this pattern.
Friday July 1 - Lots of movement
Saturday July 2 - Movement in AM, quiet in PM
Sunday July 3 - Quiet almost all day
Monday July 4 - Movement almost all day
Tuesday July 5 - Movement in the AM, and overnight
Wed July 6 - Hardly any movement in the AM
This isn't really helpful to anyone but me, but so be it!!
Wednesday we have our first NST (non-stress test). I am excited to go in and hear her heartbeat for 30 minutes. I am going to ask if she'll write me a note to wear tennis shoes to work. My hips have been pretty brutally painful. It's my left buttock, and it pulls sometimes so bad I almost fall down. I will also be calling the chiropractor. Even though she charges like $75 dollars, I think it will be worth it to go and get things adjusted. Probably next week.
The following Wednesday we have our next growth scan, a non-stress test, and then an appointment. I'm thinking I'll take the whole day off work and use the afternoon to work on getting our house organized. OR I'll just take a half day, and take a full day after the next ultrasound day / after the shower when I can put stuff away and do laundry. That makes more sense. Especially since I'll want to come in and work on projects.
I've officially created a countdown at my desk. 35 days left (give or take 1 or 2) until her EDD. Which means I have 35 days to get every project I'm working on wrapped up, the temp trained, and my desk essentailly cleared out in case anything happens while I'm gone (they move me, they fire me, etc.)
I also found my FitBit, and I'm going to start wearing that. I've been having daily headaches, which I think is from looking at my phone too much, but just in case we're getting Pre-E signs, I want my heartrate being tracked.
So yea, that is what is up, more posts to come!! Oh, and later this week I will post about Scrumbles, because he has been on my mind so, so very much lately as we approach the year of our losing him. My heart is heavy.
-Em
My husband noted that we have a pattern. It's two days of movement, one day of quiet. So I'm going to start logging on here more frequently so I remember where we are in this pattern.
Friday July 1 - Lots of movement
Saturday July 2 - Movement in AM, quiet in PM
Sunday July 3 - Quiet almost all day
Monday July 4 - Movement almost all day
Tuesday July 5 - Movement in the AM, and overnight
Wed July 6 - Hardly any movement in the AM
This isn't really helpful to anyone but me, but so be it!!
Wednesday we have our first NST (non-stress test). I am excited to go in and hear her heartbeat for 30 minutes. I am going to ask if she'll write me a note to wear tennis shoes to work. My hips have been pretty brutally painful. It's my left buttock, and it pulls sometimes so bad I almost fall down. I will also be calling the chiropractor. Even though she charges like $75 dollars, I think it will be worth it to go and get things adjusted. Probably next week.
The following Wednesday we have our next growth scan, a non-stress test, and then an appointment. I'm thinking I'll take the whole day off work and use the afternoon to work on getting our house organized. OR I'll just take a half day, and take a full day after the next ultrasound day / after the shower when I can put stuff away and do laundry. That makes more sense. Especially since I'll want to come in and work on projects.
I've officially created a countdown at my desk. 35 days left (give or take 1 or 2) until her EDD. Which means I have 35 days to get every project I'm working on wrapped up, the temp trained, and my desk essentailly cleared out in case anything happens while I'm gone (they move me, they fire me, etc.)
I also found my FitBit, and I'm going to start wearing that. I've been having daily headaches, which I think is from looking at my phone too much, but just in case we're getting Pre-E signs, I want my heartrate being tracked.
So yea, that is what is up, more posts to come!! Oh, and later this week I will post about Scrumbles, because he has been on my mind so, so very much lately as we approach the year of our losing him. My heart is heavy.
-Em
More Frequent Check-Ins
So Sunday afternoon I almost went to the hospital because I hadn't really felt baby give any good kicks all day, or the night before. I got dressed, decided I'd doppler her just to make myself feel better and she kicked the doppler off my stomach, and then went ballistic. So I did not go to the hospital.
My husband noted that we have a pattern. It's two days of movement, one day of quiet. So I'm going to start logging on here more frequently so I remember where we are in this pattern.
Friday July 1 - Lots of movement
Saturday July 2 - Movement in AM, quiet in PM
Sunday July 3 - Quiet almost all day
Monday July 4 - Movement almost all day
Tuesday July 5 - Movement in the AM, and overnight
Wed July 6 - Hardly any movement in the AM
This isn't really helpful to anyone but me, but so be it!!
Wednesday we have our first NST (non-stress test). I am excited to go in and hear her heartbeat for 30 minutes. I am going to ask if she'll write me a note to wear tennis shoes to work. My hips have been pretty brutally painful. It's my left buttock, and it pulls sometimes so bad I almost fall down. I will also be calling the chiropractor. Even though she charges like $75 dollars, I think it will be worth it to go and get things adjusted. Probably next week.
The following Wednesday we have our next growth scan, a non-stress test, and then an appointment. I'm thinking I'll take the whole day off work and use the afternoon to work on getting our house organized. OR I'll just take a half day, and take a full day after the next ultrasound day / after the shower when I can put stuff away and do laundry. That makes more sense. Especially since I'll want to come in and work on projects.
I've officially created a countdown at my desk. 35 days left (give or take 1 or 2) until her EDD. Which means I have 35 days to get every project I'm working on wrapped up, the temp trained, and my desk essentailly cleared out in case anything happens while I'm gone (they move me, they fire me, etc.)
I also found my FitBit, and I'm going to start wearing that. I've been having daily headaches, which I think is from looking at my phone too much, but just in case we're getting Pre-E signs, I want my heartrate being tracked.
So yea, that is what is up, more posts to come!! Oh, and later this week I will post about Scrumbles, because he has been on my mind so, so very much lately as we approach the year of our losing him. My heart is heavy.
-Em
My husband noted that we have a pattern. It's two days of movement, one day of quiet. So I'm going to start logging on here more frequently so I remember where we are in this pattern.
Friday July 1 - Lots of movement
Saturday July 2 - Movement in AM, quiet in PM
Sunday July 3 - Quiet almost all day
Monday July 4 - Movement almost all day
Tuesday July 5 - Movement in the AM, and overnight
Wed July 6 - Hardly any movement in the AM
This isn't really helpful to anyone but me, but so be it!!
Wednesday we have our first NST (non-stress test). I am excited to go in and hear her heartbeat for 30 minutes. I am going to ask if she'll write me a note to wear tennis shoes to work. My hips have been pretty brutally painful. It's my left buttock, and it pulls sometimes so bad I almost fall down. I will also be calling the chiropractor. Even though she charges like $75 dollars, I think it will be worth it to go and get things adjusted. Probably next week.
The following Wednesday we have our next growth scan, a non-stress test, and then an appointment. I'm thinking I'll take the whole day off work and use the afternoon to work on getting our house organized. OR I'll just take a half day, and take a full day after the next ultrasound day / after the shower when I can put stuff away and do laundry. That makes more sense. Especially since I'll want to come in and work on projects.
I've officially created a countdown at my desk. 35 days left (give or take 1 or 2) until her EDD. Which means I have 35 days to get every project I'm working on wrapped up, the temp trained, and my desk essentailly cleared out in case anything happens while I'm gone (they move me, they fire me, etc.)
I also found my FitBit, and I'm going to start wearing that. I've been having daily headaches, which I think is from looking at my phone too much, but just in case we're getting Pre-E signs, I want my heartrate being tracked.
So yea, that is what is up, more posts to come!! Oh, and later this week I will post about Scrumbles, because he has been on my mind so, so very much lately as we approach the year of our losing him. My heart is heavy.
-Em
Friday, June 24, 2016
Big 'ol baby
Growth scan at 31 weeks complete. What we learned? Baby is head down, way back by my spine ( thank you, Baby!) completely tucked away and padded and... big. I mean, like, 90th percentile big. Thank you, Gestational Diabetes.
She is also just genetically predisposed to being big -- her mommy and daddy are tall and huge!
So, here is what we could pick up from reading the screen as the tech was working her magic -
Skull - measuring 31 weeks, 5 days
Tummy - measuring 32 weeks
Thigh bone - measuring 34 weeks
Most of the other measurements were around 32 weeks, and had an EDD of 8/17/2016. Which is about ten days early. Which is about what I have been saying (a week early). Since my doctor has already mentioned c-section, I have a feeling if baby doesn't come on her own, she won't let her get too big and we will have a cut off time.
The weight guess is 4 lbs 10 ounces. Which has a +/- variance of 1 lb. So she is between 3 lbs 10 oz - 5 lbs 10 oz. "average" for this age is 3 lbs 3 ounces, which means no matter what, we're ahead of average. Which we knew.
I do feel like less of a pansy for all this pain I feel since she is probbly around 4 lbs. I mean, if she was 2 lbs and I was hurting this much it'd be like "come on, girl, get over it" but considering she is almost baby-sized, I feel a little better!
So yes, 9 weeks to go... 1/2 a pound added each week, means 4.5 more pounds, or putting us around 9lb 2oz. Eegads.
Still just waiting on a call from my doctor to get her official feedback. I doubt she'll move our EDD, but I know we'll be watching this baby and my blood pressure pretty closely.
Also, she has her daddy's chin. She's going to look like him sooo much. That's my guess/hope, anyways. :)
More next Wednesday when we go in for our very first non-stress test, and another appointment.
-Em
She is also just genetically predisposed to being big -- her mommy and daddy are tall and huge!
So, here is what we could pick up from reading the screen as the tech was working her magic -
Skull - measuring 31 weeks, 5 days
Tummy - measuring 32 weeks
Thigh bone - measuring 34 weeks
Most of the other measurements were around 32 weeks, and had an EDD of 8/17/2016. Which is about ten days early. Which is about what I have been saying (a week early). Since my doctor has already mentioned c-section, I have a feeling if baby doesn't come on her own, she won't let her get too big and we will have a cut off time.
The weight guess is 4 lbs 10 ounces. Which has a +/- variance of 1 lb. So she is between 3 lbs 10 oz - 5 lbs 10 oz. "average" for this age is 3 lbs 3 ounces, which means no matter what, we're ahead of average. Which we knew.
I do feel like less of a pansy for all this pain I feel since she is probbly around 4 lbs. I mean, if she was 2 lbs and I was hurting this much it'd be like "come on, girl, get over it" but considering she is almost baby-sized, I feel a little better!
So yes, 9 weeks to go... 1/2 a pound added each week, means 4.5 more pounds, or putting us around 9lb 2oz. Eegads.
Still just waiting on a call from my doctor to get her official feedback. I doubt she'll move our EDD, but I know we'll be watching this baby and my blood pressure pretty closely.
Also, she has her daddy's chin. She's going to look like him sooo much. That's my guess/hope, anyways. :)
More next Wednesday when we go in for our very first non-stress test, and another appointment.
-Em
Thursday, June 23, 2016
Friday Growth Scan Anticipation...
I'll admit it, the majority of this pregnancy I have mostly been scared.
Now that baby girl is giving me good movement with somewhat consistency and we've had my OB look at an US and tell me everything looked okay, I am starting to get excited, and honestly? Breathe a little. As long as nothing happens internally, if she pulls the evacuate cord, we'd most likely be okay.
So, knowing that tomorrow my husband and I get to go look at our baby with an ultrasound technician and see how she's growing, I am starting to get excited. Is this how most women feel the majority of their pregnancies? I haven' really anticipated an ultrasound with excitement--mostly just trepidation. But this? This is a much better feeling.
I'll have more updates tomorrow, but for now, I just want to kind of reflect on things. I will be 31 weeks tomorrow, and my mentality about this is starting to shift, so I think I should log a bit of what is going on around me.
1. My old boss from London made a comment on a picture I posted of our nursery. "Yea... you're never going back to London, are you?" Little sassy pants. What I wanted to say was "Fuck off, that's mean and you're being a jerk." but after reflecting on it a bit, what I really feel is.... "Sometimes in life, you have to stop spinning your wheels in the mud. Sometimes you have to stop looking backwards, and forge a path forwards." I was so stuck in my cycle. "MUST GET TO LONDON!" that was my battlecry for SIX years. And guess where it got me? Nowhere. What I've learned is that to get somewhere that special, you have to work your tail off and earn it. Sure, I could pay $50,000 to go get a degree there, spend a year overseas, and hope that in the end someone will pay for me to stay. Or I can keep putting in my time, building my resume, and become a strong enough candidate that someone will actually pay me to go over there. So yea, my plan is still to live abroad. But I'm taking a different approach to it. And in the meantime? I'm not giving up on other things I think are important in life - a family. stability. What I tell myself is that I can always learn new technologies and how to animate 3D and edit video on the next program if I already have the basic storytelling skillset. But I can't always have a baby. So I've charted a new path. And it took me about 2 days of crying over that stupid comment and reflecting and hating myself for the decisions I have made to come to the conclusion that I wouldn't have done it differently.
2. My mom and dad got the most ADORABLE puppy yet to be named. Ilove him so much, and I think he and Freya will be best friends.
3. The baby room is painted and my mom is working on murals of carousels for us. Making plans a reality scared me at the time, but now I am just happy it is ready for her. As a side note - the Secure Beginnings Breathable Crib Mattress is amazing? But it doesn't fit in our fancy crib. The bars are too thick. So we're going to have to modify the crib somehow. I will let you know how we do that.
4. My husband doesn't want anything to hurt the baby. He doesn't understand how Pack n Plays have bassinets, so he thinks when I say she'll be in a Pack N Play the first few weeks she'll be on the floor. His decision was to sleep on the floor and put her on the bed. I love him so much. He loves her so much. It's adorable.
5. One of BFFs who had a baby in March is giving me a bunch of her supplies that baby didn't use. I am pumped, because we can officially start swapping baby stuff. She thinks she might get pregnant again soon, and I love that, because we'll just continue to hand stuff over as our collection grows. I never thought I'd have friends who would be willing to share, or open to it, or have babies around the same time as us, but now it's happening. God is good.
6. My manager hired a temp for me while I'm out. This is a HUGE honor (in my mind) because it shows I am needed. I get to train the temp in July, and I cannot wait. Training is one of my favorite things to do. I do believe some day I'd love to teach... but that is besides the point. The point is, I am thrilled to have a temp. I hope we work well together. I hope they don't love her more than me ;) I hope she and I work well and we train well together. And it will be a huge relief to have someone else helping out with the way my mind is working now (not so great). And also when my weekly appointments start getting to be a lot of time.
7. I had another miscarriage dream the other night. The anniversary of losing Scrumbles is nearing... July 31. I can't understand why, but I look back on that time following with fondness. My husband and I grew as a couple. Despite the bone-deep excruciating pain and grief, it was a time of self healing. We took care of eachother. We fixed ourselves in a lot of ways. The nights we'd have a few drinks and be in love. The hours of watching funny tv shows and laying in our dark apartment doing nothing... While it was a bout of depression, was also a bout of healing. In some ways, I miss that tiny old apartment. Where we had so much loss and grief. Because it was there that I finally found out how to put myself first. How to self-heal. And how to do what I wanted to do, instead of what everyone around me wanted me to do. Maybe it made me more selfish, but I think I was due some selfishness. And while I don't want to go back to that, trust me, I want this baby healthy and alive, I do have some of the fondest memories of that time. Of letting the cold air of the window units wash over my broken body, as I'd read my bible and think of the future we lost. The excitement at the weirdest things, and the anger. Those emotions-they were new. And I am so glad I felt them and experienced them, because it makes this baby all the more precious to us. It makes the process seem worth it. I've seen the lows. The crushing feel of loss, and now, I can feel my daughter running her fingers along my pubic bone, and telling me she likes donuts and cakes *duh, she's my kid* and I can value the pain even more. Every single second we spend with her (in my womb, and hopefully out) will be cherished. Because I know what it means to only have those few weeks, months, days. And they are sweet and special.
8. I want to get a tattoo for this little girl once she is here. I think it will be a thin pink line wrapping around her brother's feet to make a heart. I'll post pics when I finally decide on art, and when we go to get it.
9. Finances - suck. We are broke as a joke. This is going to be difficult. I am very overwhelmed about the amount of projects our house needs and what this baby will cost and how expensive our lives are with my husband in school. But I also feel confident we can do it. As long as we get ourselves in check and start prioritizing getting out of debt. I listen to Dave Ramsey weekly, trying to get a handle on a plan. And we are just putting every extra penny towards the baby or towards our debt. I am officially chopping up all my credit cards tonight except for one that will be used as an emergency card.
Anyways, there's more, but that's just a summary. Today, my heart is at peace (mostly because I killed a cricket that was keeping me awake all night, and finally slept for the first time in two weeks.)
-Em
Now that baby girl is giving me good movement with somewhat consistency and we've had my OB look at an US and tell me everything looked okay, I am starting to get excited, and honestly? Breathe a little. As long as nothing happens internally, if she pulls the evacuate cord, we'd most likely be okay.
So, knowing that tomorrow my husband and I get to go look at our baby with an ultrasound technician and see how she's growing, I am starting to get excited. Is this how most women feel the majority of their pregnancies? I haven' really anticipated an ultrasound with excitement--mostly just trepidation. But this? This is a much better feeling.
I'll have more updates tomorrow, but for now, I just want to kind of reflect on things. I will be 31 weeks tomorrow, and my mentality about this is starting to shift, so I think I should log a bit of what is going on around me.
1. My old boss from London made a comment on a picture I posted of our nursery. "Yea... you're never going back to London, are you?" Little sassy pants. What I wanted to say was "Fuck off, that's mean and you're being a jerk." but after reflecting on it a bit, what I really feel is.... "Sometimes in life, you have to stop spinning your wheels in the mud. Sometimes you have to stop looking backwards, and forge a path forwards." I was so stuck in my cycle. "MUST GET TO LONDON!" that was my battlecry for SIX years. And guess where it got me? Nowhere. What I've learned is that to get somewhere that special, you have to work your tail off and earn it. Sure, I could pay $50,000 to go get a degree there, spend a year overseas, and hope that in the end someone will pay for me to stay. Or I can keep putting in my time, building my resume, and become a strong enough candidate that someone will actually pay me to go over there. So yea, my plan is still to live abroad. But I'm taking a different approach to it. And in the meantime? I'm not giving up on other things I think are important in life - a family. stability. What I tell myself is that I can always learn new technologies and how to animate 3D and edit video on the next program if I already have the basic storytelling skillset. But I can't always have a baby. So I've charted a new path. And it took me about 2 days of crying over that stupid comment and reflecting and hating myself for the decisions I have made to come to the conclusion that I wouldn't have done it differently.
2. My mom and dad got the most ADORABLE puppy yet to be named. Ilove him so much, and I think he and Freya will be best friends.
3. The baby room is painted and my mom is working on murals of carousels for us. Making plans a reality scared me at the time, but now I am just happy it is ready for her. As a side note - the Secure Beginnings Breathable Crib Mattress is amazing? But it doesn't fit in our fancy crib. The bars are too thick. So we're going to have to modify the crib somehow. I will let you know how we do that.
4. My husband doesn't want anything to hurt the baby. He doesn't understand how Pack n Plays have bassinets, so he thinks when I say she'll be in a Pack N Play the first few weeks she'll be on the floor. His decision was to sleep on the floor and put her on the bed. I love him so much. He loves her so much. It's adorable.
5. One of BFFs who had a baby in March is giving me a bunch of her supplies that baby didn't use. I am pumped, because we can officially start swapping baby stuff. She thinks she might get pregnant again soon, and I love that, because we'll just continue to hand stuff over as our collection grows. I never thought I'd have friends who would be willing to share, or open to it, or have babies around the same time as us, but now it's happening. God is good.
6. My manager hired a temp for me while I'm out. This is a HUGE honor (in my mind) because it shows I am needed. I get to train the temp in July, and I cannot wait. Training is one of my favorite things to do. I do believe some day I'd love to teach... but that is besides the point. The point is, I am thrilled to have a temp. I hope we work well together. I hope they don't love her more than me ;) I hope she and I work well and we train well together. And it will be a huge relief to have someone else helping out with the way my mind is working now (not so great). And also when my weekly appointments start getting to be a lot of time.
7. I had another miscarriage dream the other night. The anniversary of losing Scrumbles is nearing... July 31. I can't understand why, but I look back on that time following with fondness. My husband and I grew as a couple. Despite the bone-deep excruciating pain and grief, it was a time of self healing. We took care of eachother. We fixed ourselves in a lot of ways. The nights we'd have a few drinks and be in love. The hours of watching funny tv shows and laying in our dark apartment doing nothing... While it was a bout of depression, was also a bout of healing. In some ways, I miss that tiny old apartment. Where we had so much loss and grief. Because it was there that I finally found out how to put myself first. How to self-heal. And how to do what I wanted to do, instead of what everyone around me wanted me to do. Maybe it made me more selfish, but I think I was due some selfishness. And while I don't want to go back to that, trust me, I want this baby healthy and alive, I do have some of the fondest memories of that time. Of letting the cold air of the window units wash over my broken body, as I'd read my bible and think of the future we lost. The excitement at the weirdest things, and the anger. Those emotions-they were new. And I am so glad I felt them and experienced them, because it makes this baby all the more precious to us. It makes the process seem worth it. I've seen the lows. The crushing feel of loss, and now, I can feel my daughter running her fingers along my pubic bone, and telling me she likes donuts and cakes *duh, she's my kid* and I can value the pain even more. Every single second we spend with her (in my womb, and hopefully out) will be cherished. Because I know what it means to only have those few weeks, months, days. And they are sweet and special.
8. I want to get a tattoo for this little girl once she is here. I think it will be a thin pink line wrapping around her brother's feet to make a heart. I'll post pics when I finally decide on art, and when we go to get it.
9. Finances - suck. We are broke as a joke. This is going to be difficult. I am very overwhelmed about the amount of projects our house needs and what this baby will cost and how expensive our lives are with my husband in school. But I also feel confident we can do it. As long as we get ourselves in check and start prioritizing getting out of debt. I listen to Dave Ramsey weekly, trying to get a handle on a plan. And we are just putting every extra penny towards the baby or towards our debt. I am officially chopping up all my credit cards tonight except for one that will be used as an emergency card.
Anyways, there's more, but that's just a summary. Today, my heart is at peace (mostly because I killed a cricket that was keeping me awake all night, and finally slept for the first time in two weeks.)
-Em
Thursday, June 2, 2016
The Final Countdown
My OB said it best with, "I can't believe you're entering into the third trimester already!"
... How are we only twelve weeks way from baby time? I mean, twelve weeks is going to probably feel like twelve months... but it does feel like the past 28 weeks have been a blur (a blur of stress, anxiety, doctors visits, and concern. But a blur, nonetheless).
Yesterday we had our 28 week appointment. Much to my dismay, there was no fundal height measuring, no cervix checking, and no belly width measurements. I was under the impression that starting at 28 weeks we started getting measured. So I left the doctor's office pretty upset and anxious. Then I talked to my friends and cousins, and apparently if everything is "normal" they won't start looking for problems until a little later. Okay... seems okay to me. Next appointment I will be asking about what the measurements will be, how things will be tracked, and getting more information. The not knowing for someone with my personality is the worse. I get let down any time I have an expectation. So next appointment (in two weeks) we will be setting expectations.
Diabetes Update - I officially have crossed the threshold into Gestational Diabetes (earlier I was just dipping my toes in the diabetic waters). My morning numbers range from 85-97, putting my on the high end of normal. Tuesday I went to the GD training session, and I have to say, I would recommend all pregnant women attend this type of training. It teaches you how to eat to feed the baby, which is really valuable and I was definitely doing it wrong. I was cutting too many carbs, so all weekend I felt sick, nauseous and light-headed. I think that also was a stomach bug I inherited from a coworker. That all combined was no good. But now that I'm trying to follow my customized meal plan, things seem to be better. I am not eating enough carbs during my snacks, and eating too many during meals, which is why my levels are spiking. So we are going to try to level it out by bumping the carbs throughout the day. The best way to look at the gd diet is as a daily budget. I am allowed 12-14 carbs a day (most women get 10-12, but I'm a big girl). So I need to spend them wisely and evenly. If you are on the borderline of a GD diagnosis, I recommend just taking the plunge and going to the class. You will learn a lot!
The follow up session will be next Tuesday when we go over my food and numbers and see how things are progressing. Crazy!
As far as the pregnancy, things seem okay. Baby is kicking away. Last night I did the first official kick count. My stomach sometimes feels bloated and detached, and it is painful, but I imagine that will only continue as it gets bigger. She kicks a lot and I love it. I love feeling her in there. Even when she does the creepy little tiny movements down by my pantyline.
Swimming has offiically started, too. Since my hips seem to be deteriorating in strength, the pool will be my go-to. I have committed to three days of swimming a week. Doable, depending on weather. Once we get into July I doubt weather will be a big factor, as it's always in the 90s+ and hot and sunny here. So that's good stuff.
Overall a good update. I will say the hormones are OUT OF CONTROL. I am sad, mad, irritated, angry, upset, excited, elated... constantly. I am rarely even. I know I was somewhat of a rollercoaster before, but this morning I woke up and found out my husband threw away my lunch for today, and I wanted to throw myself on the floor and throw a tantrum. It is amazing the spikes in emotion!
Alrighty, well, that's it for now. OH, I got the Rhogam shot, and a blood draw for something. And a prescriptiong for TDapp. (That's whooping cough I believe). Crazy to think we're so close now...
-Emily
... How are we only twelve weeks way from baby time? I mean, twelve weeks is going to probably feel like twelve months... but it does feel like the past 28 weeks have been a blur (a blur of stress, anxiety, doctors visits, and concern. But a blur, nonetheless).
Yesterday we had our 28 week appointment. Much to my dismay, there was no fundal height measuring, no cervix checking, and no belly width measurements. I was under the impression that starting at 28 weeks we started getting measured. So I left the doctor's office pretty upset and anxious. Then I talked to my friends and cousins, and apparently if everything is "normal" they won't start looking for problems until a little later. Okay... seems okay to me. Next appointment I will be asking about what the measurements will be, how things will be tracked, and getting more information. The not knowing for someone with my personality is the worse. I get let down any time I have an expectation. So next appointment (in two weeks) we will be setting expectations.
Diabetes Update - I officially have crossed the threshold into Gestational Diabetes (earlier I was just dipping my toes in the diabetic waters). My morning numbers range from 85-97, putting my on the high end of normal. Tuesday I went to the GD training session, and I have to say, I would recommend all pregnant women attend this type of training. It teaches you how to eat to feed the baby, which is really valuable and I was definitely doing it wrong. I was cutting too many carbs, so all weekend I felt sick, nauseous and light-headed. I think that also was a stomach bug I inherited from a coworker. That all combined was no good. But now that I'm trying to follow my customized meal plan, things seem to be better. I am not eating enough carbs during my snacks, and eating too many during meals, which is why my levels are spiking. So we are going to try to level it out by bumping the carbs throughout the day. The best way to look at the gd diet is as a daily budget. I am allowed 12-14 carbs a day (most women get 10-12, but I'm a big girl). So I need to spend them wisely and evenly. If you are on the borderline of a GD diagnosis, I recommend just taking the plunge and going to the class. You will learn a lot!
The follow up session will be next Tuesday when we go over my food and numbers and see how things are progressing. Crazy!
As far as the pregnancy, things seem okay. Baby is kicking away. Last night I did the first official kick count. My stomach sometimes feels bloated and detached, and it is painful, but I imagine that will only continue as it gets bigger. She kicks a lot and I love it. I love feeling her in there. Even when she does the creepy little tiny movements down by my pantyline.
Swimming has offiically started, too. Since my hips seem to be deteriorating in strength, the pool will be my go-to. I have committed to three days of swimming a week. Doable, depending on weather. Once we get into July I doubt weather will be a big factor, as it's always in the 90s+ and hot and sunny here. So that's good stuff.
Overall a good update. I will say the hormones are OUT OF CONTROL. I am sad, mad, irritated, angry, upset, excited, elated... constantly. I am rarely even. I know I was somewhat of a rollercoaster before, but this morning I woke up and found out my husband threw away my lunch for today, and I wanted to throw myself on the floor and throw a tantrum. It is amazing the spikes in emotion!
Alrighty, well, that's it for now. OH, I got the Rhogam shot, and a blood draw for something. And a prescriptiong for TDapp. (That's whooping cough I believe). Crazy to think we're so close now...
-Emily
Monday, April 25, 2016
Antibacterials.
Flagyl is available as a generic termed metronidazole. Common side effects for Flagyl, Flagyl ER and Flagyl Injection include nausea, abdominal cramps, stomach upset, vomiting, diarrhea, constipation, headache, weight loss (anorexia), dizziness, or a metallic taste in the mouth.
-Wikipedia
Hello, welcome to my life for the past week!
The green mucus discharge came back, and while my OB prescribed flagyl, we hoped it'd go away before I had to take it. Well, it didn't. So I started the round of anti-bacterials again. It's not fun. The metallic taste is almost the worst side effect, but I mean, they're all not really pleasant. And the constant stomach pain makes me think I'm miscarrying.
Thank God for modern medicine--only a few years ago an infection could cause not only a loss, but a death for the mother. So yay for that! I won't complain too much. But I am so ready to be done with the Flagyl. And I'm SO READY to be closer to 30 weeks so I feel safer about baby if anything happens.
Anywho, aside from the above side effects, I also think (after talking with my doctor and doing some reading) that I have Pelvic Girdle Pain. I can barely lift my legs in bed. Rolling over is a struggle, and by the end of the day it hurts to stand. I tried walking, thinking I was just stiff, but it seems to make it worse. I just need to get to May 25th so pools open and I can swim. it's one of the few physical activities that doesn't hurt the hips, so come on summer, let's get these pools rolling! :)
Let's see, what else. I think I am feeling some movement, but nothing externally yet. I am hoping by 28 weeks my husband will be able to feel something. Again, it could just be gas from the Flagyl. But I'm pretty sure it's the baby. not much today, but she was pretty active yesterday, so I am thinking she's just tired today.
Work -
My brain is so foggy, you guys. I can hardly keep anything straight. even with crazy detailed notes. It is getting harder and harder to keep up, and we're extraordinarily busy right now. I also am struggling with caring. I know that's horrible. But I have a meeting today that is going to require some finesse and creative thinking to avoid pitfalls, and I just don't have the energy. I don't know how we're going to make it through four more months. Trust me, I want her to stay in there nice and healthy, but I'm going to really need some kind of help with mental clarity to make it through.
I'm also exhausted again.
Rolling my eyes so hard at myself. I am happy, trust me. I am overjoyed that things seem okay. But I'm logging this stuff because it helps to know what's going on for the future.
anyways, gonna try to get organized for the week. I love my baby so much, so I'll do whatever it takes to keep her safe.
-Emily
Monday, April 18, 2016
Monday Morning Check-In / "Get off my pelvis, baby"
OMG this child is riding so low. I have some days of relief, but others I swear she is just going to tunnel her way out. I hope that as she gets bigger she grows upward and not just out!
The pressure is down low, just above my pubic bone. I tried laying with my legs up on the wall and that helped, but didn't seem to motivate her to move! :)
This morning I was having some of my bad thoughts, so I used the doppler to make sure she was okay. Found her right away. Over the weekend I used the last piece of toilet paper on the roll, and I don't know if you've ever done that, but the dye in the glue they use is pink, so I thought I was spotting. It was HORRIFYING. But I figured it out, and then relaxed and everything was okay. Although I do feel like I overdid it this weekend, so I tried to just take it easy and relax as much as possible. I will not walk today, because I think I need a little break.
I also had my first meeting with a new therapist this weekend. I think she stirred up some emotions, because I was a weepy mess the rest of the weekend, but it's a healing process. And I'm glad we're starting it. She is the first counselor to tell me that she thinks I'm smart and capable of doing what I want. And this morning I woke up with a new plan in my mind - getting my MBA in International management. I've toyed with the idea before, but it really nicely guides my career towards an international focus, and I think Ican do it now. I really think I can. So that's going on my longterm bucket list, and I need to figure out if they make scholarships for graduate students.
Anywho, I don't know. She's great, and we're going to deal with my anxiety first. She suggested doing the adult coloring books, and I tried one this weekend while I was feeling panicky and it did help. So I'm going to keep doing it. She recommended doing it at work when I'm on calls, or starting to feel very overwhelmed. SO I brought in one page and some pencils today as an "emergency coloring station".
She also said that I've gone through a lot in the last year, and it all adds up and I need to let it go. I love her, she is going to be amazing, and we are going to accomplish so much. This fearful, quiet, sour Emily is not who I am. I know there is a strong, ambitious, confident, even cocky Emily in there. I need to send down a rope ladder and help her climb out of the darkness.
Also - in case you are wondering, I will not be getting back on any SSRIs until after delivery. Apparently it can cause colicy babies, and also something called "floppy baby syndrom" where they are not motivated to breathe and we'd have to have NICU on stand by. So we're going to try to cope with the mounting anxiety with counseling, and if I start getting panic attacks again it's an option to go back on the meds, but I think I'll be okay.
Some other symptoms this week -
Okkaaay I guess that's it for today. Some exciting things -
I ordered Orgain powder (organic protein supplement) in a big cannister so I can start drinking that regularly and cut out the synthetic stuff from Slim Fast (the protein drinks help a lot. If I don't have enough protein I get pretty nauseous). I also ordered BioOil to try on my tummy stretch marks, and I got a new dress from LuLaRoe that should be arriving today, and I can't wait to see if it fits.
Alright, now that's it!
-Emily
The pressure is down low, just above my pubic bone. I tried laying with my legs up on the wall and that helped, but didn't seem to motivate her to move! :)
This morning I was having some of my bad thoughts, so I used the doppler to make sure she was okay. Found her right away. Over the weekend I used the last piece of toilet paper on the roll, and I don't know if you've ever done that, but the dye in the glue they use is pink, so I thought I was spotting. It was HORRIFYING. But I figured it out, and then relaxed and everything was okay. Although I do feel like I overdid it this weekend, so I tried to just take it easy and relax as much as possible. I will not walk today, because I think I need a little break.
I also had my first meeting with a new therapist this weekend. I think she stirred up some emotions, because I was a weepy mess the rest of the weekend, but it's a healing process. And I'm glad we're starting it. She is the first counselor to tell me that she thinks I'm smart and capable of doing what I want. And this morning I woke up with a new plan in my mind - getting my MBA in International management. I've toyed with the idea before, but it really nicely guides my career towards an international focus, and I think Ican do it now. I really think I can. So that's going on my longterm bucket list, and I need to figure out if they make scholarships for graduate students.
Anywho, I don't know. She's great, and we're going to deal with my anxiety first. She suggested doing the adult coloring books, and I tried one this weekend while I was feeling panicky and it did help. So I'm going to keep doing it. She recommended doing it at work when I'm on calls, or starting to feel very overwhelmed. SO I brought in one page and some pencils today as an "emergency coloring station".
She also said that I've gone through a lot in the last year, and it all adds up and I need to let it go. I love her, she is going to be amazing, and we are going to accomplish so much. This fearful, quiet, sour Emily is not who I am. I know there is a strong, ambitious, confident, even cocky Emily in there. I need to send down a rope ladder and help her climb out of the darkness.
Also - in case you are wondering, I will not be getting back on any SSRIs until after delivery. Apparently it can cause colicy babies, and also something called "floppy baby syndrom" where they are not motivated to breathe and we'd have to have NICU on stand by. So we're going to try to cope with the mounting anxiety with counseling, and if I start getting panic attacks again it's an option to go back on the meds, but I think I'll be okay.
Some other symptoms this week -
- My nipples are turning lighter... which is so weird... And hopefully okay....
- The little things on them that produce oil are appearing to be producing oil? I need to see if that's possible this early.
- Veins on my belly are popping up, which I looked into and it's not vericose veins, it's just that everything gets smooshed to the surface.
- I am extremely irritable with everything.
- I finished watching The Office (9 seasons!) and had a massive cry fest because I felt like I was losing my best friends.
- One of my best friends is pregnant, and I am overjoyed to share in the experience with someone, but scared that she is going to have a healthy pregnancy and I'll lose the baby again (she was pregnant when I was last time). So I am grappling with that paradox.
- I still don't really have a "baby bump" -- I know I am plus size, but even the heaviest girls on my boards are quite large now. I am hoping it's just that my body has tight riding muscles and it's my first that's keeping everything so compact (especially with a big girl in there), but I do worry.
- I Passed my diabetes test! I should have probably led with that! I passed the three hour screening! I am still going to treat it as if I am diabetic, because doing so helped me lose TWO LBS in a week. I am actually down to 298, which is still below where I really started in this process. Insanity. But yea, not diabetic, hooray!
- I am so forgetful. "baby brain" is very real, and very constant. In fact, I thinkI might have already posted about the diabetes...
- See above bullet, but working is very hard. I'm extremely tired, irritable, and forgetful. I don't know how I'm going to make it 4 more months. Just trying my best. I see why so many women don't come back, though. I feel like the mornings are a battle of me versus work right now. I just could sleep for hours.
Okkaaay I guess that's it for today. Some exciting things -
I ordered Orgain powder (organic protein supplement) in a big cannister so I can start drinking that regularly and cut out the synthetic stuff from Slim Fast (the protein drinks help a lot. If I don't have enough protein I get pretty nauseous). I also ordered BioOil to try on my tummy stretch marks, and I got a new dress from LuLaRoe that should be arriving today, and I can't wait to see if it fits.
Alright, now that's it!
-Emily
Monday, April 11, 2016
20 week update!
Friday was our 20 week mark, and also our big visit to the doctor. We had an ultrasound anatomy scan, appointment, and glucose test.
Baby is a big girl, measuring in at 20 weeks 3 days, and weighing 14.2oz. She is healthy and is resting her head on my pelvis/cervix, so that is why I'm feeling so much pressure. Today I am very uncomfortable, so I am going to go home and put my legs up and try to help her get up a little higher. Bah.
I also have an anterior placenta, so I do not think I'll feel cosnistent movements for a while. Sometimes when I'm laying propped up in bed I think I feel her, but when I put my hand on my stomach it stops. So who knows.
In a few months time I will most likely need to wear the support belt frequently, and the doctor recommended chiropractor time to get my hips evened out, since she thinks that is where my calf pain is coming from.
All in all, it was a great check-up. Our baby girl is stunningly pretty and we are in love with her sooo much. Now we just have to get through 4.5 more months, and she will be here.
Taking it a day at a time and trying to stay calm even when it feels like she is trying to drill her way out of my abdomen.
My weight also stayed steady at 300 lbs. Now that we have a good report and better weather on the way, walking will become our utmost priority. She didn't check my cervix, so I am still a bit concerned about that, but she didn't seem worried, so I won't be worried. For now, we just kind of are in a holding pattern as we see what happens. Still taking it day-by-day, and trying to stay calm.
I am so in love already. I am putting this in God's hands now, because all I can do is stay healthy and calm and let her grow strong.
Also waiting on results of the glucose test.... hoping we either pass it with flying colors, or bomb it miserably so we don't have to go back for the three hour test. Cause that would NOT be fun.
-Emily
Baby is a big girl, measuring in at 20 weeks 3 days, and weighing 14.2oz. She is healthy and is resting her head on my pelvis/cervix, so that is why I'm feeling so much pressure. Today I am very uncomfortable, so I am going to go home and put my legs up and try to help her get up a little higher. Bah.
I also have an anterior placenta, so I do not think I'll feel cosnistent movements for a while. Sometimes when I'm laying propped up in bed I think I feel her, but when I put my hand on my stomach it stops. So who knows.
In a few months time I will most likely need to wear the support belt frequently, and the doctor recommended chiropractor time to get my hips evened out, since she thinks that is where my calf pain is coming from.
All in all, it was a great check-up. Our baby girl is stunningly pretty and we are in love with her sooo much. Now we just have to get through 4.5 more months, and she will be here.
Taking it a day at a time and trying to stay calm even when it feels like she is trying to drill her way out of my abdomen.
My weight also stayed steady at 300 lbs. Now that we have a good report and better weather on the way, walking will become our utmost priority. She didn't check my cervix, so I am still a bit concerned about that, but she didn't seem worried, so I won't be worried. For now, we just kind of are in a holding pattern as we see what happens. Still taking it day-by-day, and trying to stay calm.
I am so in love already. I am putting this in God's hands now, because all I can do is stay healthy and calm and let her grow strong.
Also waiting on results of the glucose test.... hoping we either pass it with flying colors, or bomb it miserably so we don't have to go back for the three hour test. Cause that would NOT be fun.
-Emily
Monday, March 21, 2016
Shifting Internals, and a new name for this blog?
Okay, I wish I had a pregnant friend or two, to go through this process with, because reading the internet is just scary, and my friends are mostly single, so I am pioneering the way through mucus and hip pain.
Anyways, weirdest thing happened this weekend. Friday night I was very, very sore. So sore I felt a little shaky and sick. Standing up made me feel a little off, and my hips/round ligaments/uterus were very achey. I was a little concerned about a miscarraige again because it almost felt crampy.
I went to bed, and when I woke up, everything felt different. Almost like she moved higher up in my abdomen. I don't have nearly the symptoms I had before. The achey hips are there (obesity at its finest). But the sloshing feeling is gone, the constant pulling is gone. I think the baby might have shifted higher up? Is that what happens when skinny women "pop" and get their bellies? I don't think I'll really "pop" due to my stomach, but maybe that is the defining moment?
It's so weird, and I was so nervous I had to use my doppler to make sure she was okay. Heart beating strong, just... don't feel... pregnant. Not like I was. Is this the second trimester golden period? In early pregnancy this is a sign of a miscarriage, but I am wondering if we just moved her out of my pelvis?
I'm so confused. All the time!
I also had a few strange realizations:
Some good things to work through. Now that I am recognizing these bad behaviours and thought patterns, I am addressing them as they come up, and I can already tell today is a better day for me. I am feeling stronger, more in control. I never want my pregnancy or children to 100% define me. I think that is the fatal mistake in women who have children and in 20 years realize they've completely lost themselves. I want to give everything to my children, yes, but I still want my husband, and me, to be a priority. I want to be important and take care of us and our relationship. So as we move forward, it's going to be finding footholds of strength and taking steps to make sure I am making good decisions for all the stakeholders in our lives (husband, me, baby).
I was also looking at Instagram accounts of fitness coaches last night. They are able to be pregnant and maintain their figure and workout regimen. It reminded me that this is a NATURAL process. And while my body is unnaturally obese, it still knows what to do (or is at least learning). Do I think the miscarriage was natural? No. I still fully believe there was something underlying it, and the aspirin/progesterone regime I put myself on this time allowed this pregnancy to progress. But now that my body has taken over, I am going to try to have faith in it. Be good to it. And treat myself cautiously, but with the respect I deserve. And the next time we go through this (hopefully in two years when we have a healthy child alive and part of our family) I will be in a different place mentally and physically.
I am getting excited to take the baby for walks and eventually jogs. I am going to get the jogger. I am excited for races and being fit and active. I know I'll never look like @chontelduncan or @sarahstage, but I can look like me in better health with a lower BMI. And that's the goal. And once I can get to a healthy place with food and body image, and have a successful pregnancy, than the fear of this process should be replaced with confidence.
Also, I'm not doctor, and I definitely wasn't "there" so to speak for any of these pregnancies and labors, but of my four friends who gave birth wtihin the last 6 months, all four of the women decided they wanted to do natural labor, no induction, no epidural. Of those four, three were induced and c-section. Only one gave birth as she originally wanted, and it was the one of the four who works out consistently and eats healthy foods daily. These women ranged on a scale from skinny to overweight with moderate exercise, but the one woman who did what she wanted with no complications was committed to fitness throughout her pregnancy, and I want to model the remainder of my time after her. I know I won't lose weight, but I have not gained a single pound yet, and I am so happy about that accomplishment.
SO anyways, onwards. And maybe I should rename my blog "Plus Size Pregnancy", because I'm telling you, from what I can tell, it's a very different ballgame.
-Emily
Anyways, weirdest thing happened this weekend. Friday night I was very, very sore. So sore I felt a little shaky and sick. Standing up made me feel a little off, and my hips/round ligaments/uterus were very achey. I was a little concerned about a miscarraige again because it almost felt crampy.
I went to bed, and when I woke up, everything felt different. Almost like she moved higher up in my abdomen. I don't have nearly the symptoms I had before. The achey hips are there (obesity at its finest). But the sloshing feeling is gone, the constant pulling is gone. I think the baby might have shifted higher up? Is that what happens when skinny women "pop" and get their bellies? I don't think I'll really "pop" due to my stomach, but maybe that is the defining moment?
It's so weird, and I was so nervous I had to use my doppler to make sure she was okay. Heart beating strong, just... don't feel... pregnant. Not like I was. Is this the second trimester golden period? In early pregnancy this is a sign of a miscarriage, but I am wondering if we just moved her out of my pelvis?
I'm so confused. All the time!
I also had a few strange realizations:
- I truly don't believe I deserve happiness/good things (I know we already discussed that, but I am seeing it now very clearly.)
- I am terrified that if I get happy and lose this baby, I will look like a fool.
Some good things to work through. Now that I am recognizing these bad behaviours and thought patterns, I am addressing them as they come up, and I can already tell today is a better day for me. I am feeling stronger, more in control. I never want my pregnancy or children to 100% define me. I think that is the fatal mistake in women who have children and in 20 years realize they've completely lost themselves. I want to give everything to my children, yes, but I still want my husband, and me, to be a priority. I want to be important and take care of us and our relationship. So as we move forward, it's going to be finding footholds of strength and taking steps to make sure I am making good decisions for all the stakeholders in our lives (husband, me, baby).
I was also looking at Instagram accounts of fitness coaches last night. They are able to be pregnant and maintain their figure and workout regimen. It reminded me that this is a NATURAL process. And while my body is unnaturally obese, it still knows what to do (or is at least learning). Do I think the miscarriage was natural? No. I still fully believe there was something underlying it, and the aspirin/progesterone regime I put myself on this time allowed this pregnancy to progress. But now that my body has taken over, I am going to try to have faith in it. Be good to it. And treat myself cautiously, but with the respect I deserve. And the next time we go through this (hopefully in two years when we have a healthy child alive and part of our family) I will be in a different place mentally and physically.
I am getting excited to take the baby for walks and eventually jogs. I am going to get the jogger. I am excited for races and being fit and active. I know I'll never look like @chontelduncan or @sarahstage, but I can look like me in better health with a lower BMI. And that's the goal. And once I can get to a healthy place with food and body image, and have a successful pregnancy, than the fear of this process should be replaced with confidence.
Also, I'm not doctor, and I definitely wasn't "there" so to speak for any of these pregnancies and labors, but of my four friends who gave birth wtihin the last 6 months, all four of the women decided they wanted to do natural labor, no induction, no epidural. Of those four, three were induced and c-section. Only one gave birth as she originally wanted, and it was the one of the four who works out consistently and eats healthy foods daily. These women ranged on a scale from skinny to overweight with moderate exercise, but the one woman who did what she wanted with no complications was committed to fitness throughout her pregnancy, and I want to model the remainder of my time after her. I know I won't lose weight, but I have not gained a single pound yet, and I am so happy about that accomplishment.
SO anyways, onwards. And maybe I should rename my blog "Plus Size Pregnancy", because I'm telling you, from what I can tell, it's a very different ballgame.
-Emily
Wednesday, March 2, 2016
Belated Update / Birthday Post
Hello there! As promised, here is my update on my visit with another OB and a second opinion.
My initial/lasting feelings:
He is also my doctor's boss (kind of).
Seriously.
I found the one doctor at an unrelated hospital who has a close relationship with my OB! And I wasn't even going to tell him the name of the practice, but it was on my ultrasound pics. Blaaaaaaaaah.
What he DID tell me, is that my OB is VERY good, and highly recommend. She delivers for him and he recommends her. He thinks I'd be in good hands with her. He wanted to know why I wasn't comfortable telling her my concerns and why I got a second opinion. I think that's a pretty obvious question, but voicing my reasons was a good exercise. I wanted to make sure we're doing the right thing, I felt like my questions weren't answered, I am full of anxiety and needed to do everything I could to make sure I am not messing up again.
So anyways, we have a big decision to make. And I don't really know what to do. I like my OB, she has been GREAT. BUt I also feel trepidation when I go to her office. Now we are in new territory it's getting better. SO I am leaning towards staying with her, especially because switching now just seems like a huge effort and a pain and more stressful. Plus I can have her deliver at his hospital which is where I want to be.
Anyways, it was insane. BUT we are 14.5 today, my Round Ligament Pain is hurting, the weird hip-to-hip pain seems to have abated (i think that was my uterus moving out of my hips). I went on a walk the other day and felt great. Weight seems to be staying steady (which was my goal for now since I am scared to exercise). The green mucus is back, so I'll ask her about that next weekend since it went away with the flagyl dose.
I don't know, we're starting to think we might have this baby. Of course anything can happen, but... I am feeling better. The doctor's second opinion made me feel better. And for that reason alone, I am still considering the switch.
We did go get a crib and a stroller (travel system). So the two items I insisted on being new are purchased (with a coupon). It makes it feel so real, and I know it was too early to ge tthose items, but with the coupon we just couldn't pass it up.
Now I just want to know if I will get an US at my 16 week appointment. If we don't, we'll probably go to a private place and have one done, because I just want to see the baby. We also got the bloodwork done last Friday, so I am hoping we get the genetic screening results back within the next week. And once we hear that and make it to 15 weeks, things will feel so much calmer in my mind. I know I'll always be worried, but at leastwe seem to be making progress.
Now if only the disgusting mucus would go away.
The next question is, do I want to know the gender? I honestly don't. But to prepare, I think I do. I want to be able to get stuff ready, and it's very hard to find gender neutral items (the stroller was a struggle).So I guess I will.... just. Ahh. I don't know
Anyways, I'm starting to ramble. There is still weird pain (hopefulyl it's growing pain) and I feel very unsure of everything, so we're just taking it a day at a time.
A day at a time is all we have.
-Emily
My initial/lasting feelings:
- I love the new doctor.
- He made me feel kind of guilty for coming to him (yea.)
- He told me everything we're doing is good.
- He things if we have another SCH as bad as last time I'd have had a big bleed by now.
- The ultrasound pics are grainy, but he does not see anything major, possibly a small pooling but nothing like last time.
- He'd be willing to work with me.
He is also my doctor's boss (kind of).
Seriously.
I found the one doctor at an unrelated hospital who has a close relationship with my OB! And I wasn't even going to tell him the name of the practice, but it was on my ultrasound pics. Blaaaaaaaaah.
What he DID tell me, is that my OB is VERY good, and highly recommend. She delivers for him and he recommends her. He thinks I'd be in good hands with her. He wanted to know why I wasn't comfortable telling her my concerns and why I got a second opinion. I think that's a pretty obvious question, but voicing my reasons was a good exercise. I wanted to make sure we're doing the right thing, I felt like my questions weren't answered, I am full of anxiety and needed to do everything I could to make sure I am not messing up again.
So anyways, we have a big decision to make. And I don't really know what to do. I like my OB, she has been GREAT. BUt I also feel trepidation when I go to her office. Now we are in new territory it's getting better. SO I am leaning towards staying with her, especially because switching now just seems like a huge effort and a pain and more stressful. Plus I can have her deliver at his hospital which is where I want to be.
Anyways, it was insane. BUT we are 14.5 today, my Round Ligament Pain is hurting, the weird hip-to-hip pain seems to have abated (i think that was my uterus moving out of my hips). I went on a walk the other day and felt great. Weight seems to be staying steady (which was my goal for now since I am scared to exercise). The green mucus is back, so I'll ask her about that next weekend since it went away with the flagyl dose.
I don't know, we're starting to think we might have this baby. Of course anything can happen, but... I am feeling better. The doctor's second opinion made me feel better. And for that reason alone, I am still considering the switch.
We did go get a crib and a stroller (travel system). So the two items I insisted on being new are purchased (with a coupon). It makes it feel so real, and I know it was too early to ge tthose items, but with the coupon we just couldn't pass it up.
Now I just want to know if I will get an US at my 16 week appointment. If we don't, we'll probably go to a private place and have one done, because I just want to see the baby. We also got the bloodwork done last Friday, so I am hoping we get the genetic screening results back within the next week. And once we hear that and make it to 15 weeks, things will feel so much calmer in my mind. I know I'll always be worried, but at leastwe seem to be making progress.
Now if only the disgusting mucus would go away.
The next question is, do I want to know the gender? I honestly don't. But to prepare, I think I do. I want to be able to get stuff ready, and it's very hard to find gender neutral items (the stroller was a struggle).So I guess I will.... just. Ahh. I don't know
Anyways, I'm starting to ramble. There is still weird pain (hopefulyl it's growing pain) and I feel very unsure of everything, so we're just taking it a day at a time.
A day at a time is all we have.
-Emily
Tuesday, January 26, 2016
Goodbye Ireland, Hello Reality
My relationship thus far with pregnancy has been for me to give my body, mind, and soul to the tiny human growing inside me, with no end result. No baby to take home. Emphasis on giving the body, btw. I have now spent about 5 months total being pregnant between this pregnancy and the last. Five months gone to ..... a question mark. So you could say my attitude towards this fetus is one of uncertainty. I am (more than) half positive it will end in miscarriage. That is what my odds have been thus far, and we are products of our experiences.
I am trying to stay positive, yes of course, I want this to happen. And literally every day we inch closer to 40 weeks I feel a percentage point of worry drop off. I want things to be right. Things to go smoothly as it does for so many other women. Once we hit February 12, our official 12 week point, I think I might start relaxing into the joy and love those around me are expressing for our little "blip". This time, my mother has started finding nursery theme ideas, and my husband is planning on how to set up the nursery. And in my mind, all I can think about is "we'll discuss all of this in July when the baby is healthy and viable." I've had two offers for baby showers, which seems so far away to me, I can't even begin to imagine it happening. I honestly can't imagine August 26 - our official due date - being a real day. For me, it is hour-by-hour, week-by-week. Hell, I just bought another 40 pack of overnight pads, because I wear them all day "just in case".
Maybe I'm neurotic... It's possible. Sometimes I feel like I am.
But I also am trying to be stronger and better and not being so completely devastated again.
Yes, I went to Destination Maternity and bought some cute work tops and pants and leggings. And I will need workout clothes, too, because I am supposed to lose 10 lbs throughout this pregnancy. (Trust me, I am planning on making that happen). (It needs to happen). But still, it just doesn't feel real. I also think that last time the clot was causing friction and pain, because I FELT my uterus. And it didn't feel great. This time, I feel nothing. Some days, I don't even remember I am pregnant. That is so ultimately different from last time. I'm not complaining. And yes, there is nausea. I feel like there is something stuck in my throat and depending on what I see or smell, it could cause a major upchuck. Luckily, this has so far not been the case! The women on my mother's side are blessed with uneventful pregnancies as far as nausea goes.
Anyways, my point is, I am jonesing for a drink. Anxious to get back to staying up past 6pm, and so ready to know if this is "going to happen." Last week we were supposed to be on a flight to Ireland. Right before we got on the transatlantic leg of our journey, I started bleeding/spotting light pink. I lost it. We were on the plane, and I lost my mind. Anxiety took over, and I panicked. My husband freaked out, and we were so concerned about having a MC on a plane (one of the smallest planes I've ever seen as far as international flights) over the ocean. I couldn't handle that thought. So we disembarked, and stayed in the city for a week instead of going over to Ireland.
My reaction surprised me. I thought I was being so practical and realistic about this one, but my reaction and fear on the plane showed me that, not so deep-down, I am terrified of this little nugget leaving us. We did the unthinkable (as far as my fear of making waves goes). We changed our course of action for the safety of me and our unborn baby. And while that might sound sweet, part of me is very, very upset that we gave up the trip of a lifetime for a big old fat question mark. And if we do miscarry again, I will feel like it was all for naught.
I don't know if this post has a point. Except to say that I am beyond fear. I am terrified. I am beside myself in uncertainty. I am worried about what will come. I wish I knew the answer, I guess that's the joy of life, we can't know what lies ahead. All we can do is our best. and I would stop the world for my child, I just hope it decides to stick around and be healthy. Because we're all in, baby. We're committed and even though we're scared shitless, I am starting... teensy tiny bits... to come around to the idea that this might happen. That we might have a child in August. That life is changing.
Anyways, not a big update, just wanted to let you know we never made it overseas, and I'm in a weird mental place. Next OB appointment is Feb 10th, so two weeks away.
Life is weird. I am weird. Life is changing. I am changing. That is all.
-Emily
I am trying to stay positive, yes of course, I want this to happen. And literally every day we inch closer to 40 weeks I feel a percentage point of worry drop off. I want things to be right. Things to go smoothly as it does for so many other women. Once we hit February 12, our official 12 week point, I think I might start relaxing into the joy and love those around me are expressing for our little "blip". This time, my mother has started finding nursery theme ideas, and my husband is planning on how to set up the nursery. And in my mind, all I can think about is "we'll discuss all of this in July when the baby is healthy and viable." I've had two offers for baby showers, which seems so far away to me, I can't even begin to imagine it happening. I honestly can't imagine August 26 - our official due date - being a real day. For me, it is hour-by-hour, week-by-week. Hell, I just bought another 40 pack of overnight pads, because I wear them all day "just in case".
Maybe I'm neurotic... It's possible. Sometimes I feel like I am.
But I also am trying to be stronger and better and not being so completely devastated again.
Yes, I went to Destination Maternity and bought some cute work tops and pants and leggings. And I will need workout clothes, too, because I am supposed to lose 10 lbs throughout this pregnancy. (Trust me, I am planning on making that happen). (It needs to happen). But still, it just doesn't feel real. I also think that last time the clot was causing friction and pain, because I FELT my uterus. And it didn't feel great. This time, I feel nothing. Some days, I don't even remember I am pregnant. That is so ultimately different from last time. I'm not complaining. And yes, there is nausea. I feel like there is something stuck in my throat and depending on what I see or smell, it could cause a major upchuck. Luckily, this has so far not been the case! The women on my mother's side are blessed with uneventful pregnancies as far as nausea goes.
Anyways, my point is, I am jonesing for a drink. Anxious to get back to staying up past 6pm, and so ready to know if this is "going to happen." Last week we were supposed to be on a flight to Ireland. Right before we got on the transatlantic leg of our journey, I started bleeding/spotting light pink. I lost it. We were on the plane, and I lost my mind. Anxiety took over, and I panicked. My husband freaked out, and we were so concerned about having a MC on a plane (one of the smallest planes I've ever seen as far as international flights) over the ocean. I couldn't handle that thought. So we disembarked, and stayed in the city for a week instead of going over to Ireland.
My reaction surprised me. I thought I was being so practical and realistic about this one, but my reaction and fear on the plane showed me that, not so deep-down, I am terrified of this little nugget leaving us. We did the unthinkable (as far as my fear of making waves goes). We changed our course of action for the safety of me and our unborn baby. And while that might sound sweet, part of me is very, very upset that we gave up the trip of a lifetime for a big old fat question mark. And if we do miscarry again, I will feel like it was all for naught.
I don't know if this post has a point. Except to say that I am beyond fear. I am terrified. I am beside myself in uncertainty. I am worried about what will come. I wish I knew the answer, I guess that's the joy of life, we can't know what lies ahead. All we can do is our best. and I would stop the world for my child, I just hope it decides to stick around and be healthy. Because we're all in, baby. We're committed and even though we're scared shitless, I am starting... teensy tiny bits... to come around to the idea that this might happen. That we might have a child in August. That life is changing.
Anyways, not a big update, just wanted to let you know we never made it overseas, and I'm in a weird mental place. Next OB appointment is Feb 10th, so two weeks away.
Life is weird. I am weird. Life is changing. I am changing. That is all.
-Emily
Wednesday, December 16, 2015
I'm seeing double
So this happened:
I.N.S.A.N.E.
I cannot believe it. The odds were so slim--my husband is NEVER going to let me live it down! LOL This also explains all the emotions I've been feeling.
So we are one day out from my period, which means we are still EXTREMELY early to be having any kind of feelings about this. Especially since the test this morning was slightly lighter than yesterday, and my temp dropped a 1/10th of a degree.
That being said, if we make it through to the weekend with no bleeding, I guess it is time to start believing this might be happening. Whoa. I am literally blown away....
Going to keep doing tests and see how the lines are darkening. Today I added back in:
Cinnamon, Vitamin K, Vitamin E, and Vinegar (with "The Mother"). Also still taking Vitex. Starting back on my progesterone (after a three day lapse... i hope that didn't hurt things too much :( ) and still on the Prenatals with Folate....
I'm still in shock, and I still don't believe it's true... but my bladder believes it's true because I have been up to pee at 3 AM every night this week. And my lady nips are SORE. So... yea.
What the what.
-Emily
 |
| The not-so-faint but still pretty faint positive |
I.N.S.A.N.E.
I cannot believe it. The odds were so slim--my husband is NEVER going to let me live it down! LOL This also explains all the emotions I've been feeling.
So we are one day out from my period, which means we are still EXTREMELY early to be having any kind of feelings about this. Especially since the test this morning was slightly lighter than yesterday, and my temp dropped a 1/10th of a degree.
That being said, if we make it through to the weekend with no bleeding, I guess it is time to start believing this might be happening. Whoa. I am literally blown away....
Going to keep doing tests and see how the lines are darkening. Today I added back in:
Cinnamon, Vitamin K, Vitamin E, and Vinegar (with "The Mother"). Also still taking Vitex. Starting back on my progesterone (after a three day lapse... i hope that didn't hurt things too much :( ) and still on the Prenatals with Folate....
I'm still in shock, and I still don't believe it's true... but my bladder believes it's true because I have been up to pee at 3 AM every night this week. And my lady nips are SORE. So... yea.
What the what.
-Emily
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