I feel like I've been Pregnant Forever...

If you add up the amount of time I was pregnant with Scrumbles (3.5 months) with my current length of pregnancy (6.5 months) I have been pregnant for 10 months. The length of a full-term pregnancy. And I have zero babies to show for it. I know this little nugget is cooking in there, and she BETTER be okay, but oh my God, that's a LONG TIME to give your body to someone else. And my husband and I are both feeling the effects of it.

 I know they say that children change your relationship. I believe it, trust me. in fact? It's my number one fear. But just being an incubator to a new human changes your relationship. Maybe for others it's not as noticeable, but due to my sever anxiety and our fear of intimacy killing our baby, we have been living like roommates for six and a half months. And it SUCKS.

Orgasms can induce contractions. Sex usually leads to pieces of my mucus plug dislodging. We love this baby so much that we put "us" on hold. But that is killing "us". Because you can only live with someone for so long who you love without intimacy and not feel a shift in the force. So to speak. I don't know, we are really struggling right now with that. My therapist and doctor both are trying to get me to relax and feel 'normal' and enjoy life. I have put myself in what I envision as a little pill capsule--trying to keep harmful things out to make sure the baby and I are okay. But, as my therapist points out, this creates more stress. Because I can't control my environment, and then when I relax and let stuff in, I get more freaked out.

So, I've been trying to relax. Trying to let life happen and ENJOY this experience. Trying to calm the F down and just be happy with how things are going. And I am doing it small, measured steps. But the one thing we're just too scared to do is sex. Sigh. I am hoping by 4 more weeks I'll feel less stressed about contractions and we'll know she'd be okay if something did happen. But for now, we just couldn't forgive ourselves.

I keep saying "our next pregnancy will not be like this"... I just feel like if I can make one healthy baby who survives the process I'll trust myself more. I guess that's the crux of the issue: I don't trust my body. Maybe I never have? Maybe that's why I feed it crap and let it become a big blob of fat. Maybe that is going to be something I learn throughout these 14 months of pregnancy. How to trust my body, and treat it nicely. Maybe that will open the lock that seems to have been rusted shut on my physical happiness. We shall see.

So yesterday I got a call from the OB. My numbers are good. Yay! But she thinks that due to the spikes (138, 148, 145) that I will end up with gestational diabetes. I did some reading and apparently it gets harder to manage those sugars as the hormones increase further along in pregnancy. SO, May 31st I go to Gestational Diabetes class. I will sit with a nurse and a dietician and learn how to eat, how to measure, and how to keep my body in line so the baby doesn't come out with any issues. I am excited for diet counseling, but nervous about the thought of the sugars getting harder to control.

And as if on cue, yesterday my post-lunch numbers were 152 - the highest yet. I even double checked and it was accurate. So while I'm happy we are being proactive, I'm scared. Again, this is a time to start trusting my body. Trust it to tell me what it needs, when it's full, and that I  can give myself the nutrients we need while still being healthy. I also think that once I start swimming regularly the numbers will go down. I have down absolutely no cardio in about two months. And I know that affects sugar levels. So I will be looking forward to Memorial Day Weekend when pools open and I can active again.

Update on feeling baby move - I think she must be sitting with her back to my stomach, because I feel her deep and low, and very infrequently. She must not be hitting me in areas that I can really feel. I miss my tummy kicks and playing with her. But as long as she is alive in there, I will be content for now.  I can't wait for our 28 week appointment. I hope we do more than just listen to the heartrate. I hear other women say they get their fundal height measured and cervix length. . . These things seem so important to monitor as we get closer. I just hope my OB is going to go the extra steps with those things. It will make me feel a whole lot better.

Alright, well I guess that's it for now. My weight was 301 today, still where we were before, just trying to keep it from going up before June 1st. (Next appt.) Maybe next week i will do some yoga or something just to keep moving.

Oh, something exciting. Today is officially 99 days until our due date!  We are under the 100 mark now.... It feels so good to be so close. I just want to snuggle this baby and shower her in love. And put her in her new room and give her the world. She is our world.

-Emily

Baby Moved and is Kicking my butt!

So this weekend baby was super crazy active. Hooray! Then I went and did some yard work and was more active than normal (which, in retrospect, probably a mistake. My hips feel as though they are being ripped away from my skeleton). And baby girl moved down and back. My bump is smaller, less firm, and she is kicking what I can only describe as my butt and cervix.

I know she's getting bigger, but she must have repositioned. I also feel her less, so this morning I dopplered to make myself feel better. Heart was beating away just fine. I miss my tummy kicks, and the weird booty kicks are so strange.

So last night I laid with my legs up on the wall to try to get her off my cervix a bit, and that seemed to help. She does what she pleases!

Anyways, I'm super excited for pools to open NEXT WEEKEND!!! ahhh!! I am waivering between 299 and 301 lbs, so at least I'm not gaining the average 3-4 lbs a week others are expected to gain. But getting more exercise in will help. My glucose levels are averaging between 75-85 fasting, and the highest so far has ben 148  after a McDonalds lunch. But on average they're between 108-120. All pretty good. I'm hoping I get to take a break for a little bit with the testing, but since I'm so borderline that might not be an option. I faxed over the papers to my OB yesterday, so I'm sure I'll get a call today.

We are also trying to figure out our budget when she gets here. Right now we have about 200 dollars in the red. Mostlly because daycare is proving to be so expensive. We'll be spending $460 for PART TIME care. :'(  This is when, like so many of my friends, I wish we had family who could help us out. None of our parents are retired, and none of my cousins stay home with their kids that live anywhere near us. If you have free help, please make sure to give those caretakers an extra large Christmas gift, because this is the most expensive part of raising children. Daycare. I've been researching if it makes more sense to have my husband stay home with her full time, but his income covers our mortgage, and even though it's only SLIGHTLY more than what care would cost, it's still significant. The only option I see is a. me getting a bomb-diggity raise or b. me getting a promotion. Since I am baby-brained and about to go on a 10 week leave, I don't see that happening. So for now, we have to shave out stuff from the budget.

Which takes me into my "pay off the credit card crusade" this summer. My goal is to put every spare penny towards my outstanding CC balance to get out from under my payment. The extra 200 a month would cover the gap we need. So, no more shopping, no more spending, no more clothes, baby stuff, or pyramid scheme items. I have plenty of clothes. Especially since I know the hospital bills will start rolling in shortly after she arrives (another bill we're going to have to try to negotiate down), I need to have a plan. I've been listening to Dave Ramsey, and we will follow his gazelle intensity plan, but it is pretty questionable right now.

I just keep praying that something will fall into place and daycare won't be an expense we have to worry about. Unfortunately, since I don't think that is a miracle that's going to happen, we have to plan for it. So... selling anything I can, and hopefully making some extra money this summer. Not sure how yet, but I need to figure something out. Suggestions welcome.

-Em

Growing Pains

If you've ever experienced a loss, and then a pregnancy afterwards, you are probably familiar with being hypersensitive to any tick, movement, itch, scratch or pain. This week is a week of pains for me and baby girl. As we move into our third trimester (June 3 we'll officially be in the home-stretch), I know in my head that she is putting on lots of fat every day and bulking up. At this point, she has all of her organs and they are maturing so she can live outside of my body. We are "viable" at this point, and doctors would fight to keep her alive. But this also means we will be gaining between 6 and 8 pounds between now and August 26. Which equals about a half a pound a week of pure baby weight.

That all being said, my stomach hurts.

Mostly up high, like under my chest and above my belly button. It wakes me up at night sometimes. and it itches. the itching! My boobs are sore, and my bras are definitely too tight. (new ones ordered). I feel "lightning crotch" a lot. It shoots from my lower pelvic area down my crotch. And that similar sensation can be felt all over my stomach. I know it's from her growing, but it still always makes me worried.

Next appointment is June 1st, and I will be asking the doctor if they check the cord again. My mom was told that her son was born with his cord wrapped around his neck in a knot (he was stillborn) so I'm uber nervous about anything involving cords. I want to know if that is being monitored. And a friend I work with has a sister in a high risk pregnacny, and the doctor took the time to show her an ultrasound of the cord and that it was not wrapped around the baby's neck.

What i'm learning is that this process is so dependent on your OB. if you get one really hands-on, you will get far more information and support. I think next time I will be hiring a midwife for these long months. Someone to go to for emotional support with questions. I also don't plan on being this heavy next time we get pregnant. I know it puts us at risk for so many more issues.

Anyways, other than that, we're trucking along. The hips are still extremely sore. I might be signing up for a water aerobics class on the weekends until pools open at the end of May. And I'm gaining too much weight. Already up to 301.6. I was 298 just a week ago. So I don't know how that's happening with a stricter diet, but it is.

As always, avoiding gestational diabetes and preeclampsia. But it's starting to feel more real. We're working on the nursery, and my family and friends are planning a shower... I could never envision our baby, because I had done so much of that with the first and then he disappeared into nothing but wishes and dreams. This time, as I feel her kick her daddy's hand (happened for the first time two nights ago) she feels more real. And I think she'll be here. I am starting to believe it. And have faith in my body. And counseling is helping me see that thinking negative thoughts doesn't counteract positive actions. I can be positive, see positive outcomes, and still have good things happen.

Emily

24 weeks and feeling pregnant

As we delve deeper into this pregnancy, I feel like I'm speaking less and less about hematomas, clotting, and blood disorders. For that, I apologize. But I think the logging of symptoms and this pregnancy are important going forward. Either if things go well, or not, then I have something to look back on.

I am now 24 weeks, 3 days. We have 15 weeks left until our life is changing forever.

I didn't get to see her at our last appointment, and it sounds like if I want to see her again I'll have to pay to go somewhere on my own. We are debating that, but it's very expensive, and might not be something we need to do. At the appointment I gained 3 lbs, but that was because I was weighed after work. My last appointments were all in the morning, and my daily weigh-in is not changing. I would have been 299 or 300, but not 302.6 (which is what it was at their office). 

My doctor told me I'd need to go back and do two more glucose tests - this week, and again at 28 weeks. or I could opt to treat myself like I had Gestational Diabetes, and monitor my blood sugars daily. Since I don't want to use another day off to get stabbed at the blood place, I opted to monitor at home. My fingers are sore and bruised already, but it's getting easier. And my sugars have been well below the limits except for Saturday when I had McDonalds, which, I knew wouldn't be a good thing. 

She wants my fasting to be under 95, and my after eating to be below 145. So far the highest I've gone is 148, otherwise I'm around 130, 120 ish. I have, however, noticed that I dropped weight. I was down to 298 this morning. So it seems as though carefully monitoring my intake and eating 6 small meals a day is helping. For that, I am grateful. Even though my fingers hurt, this is a great thing for me to retrain my body. 

Anyways, I was pretty active this weekend. Went to the barn and saw my mom's horse, went to lunch and on Saturday I spent an hour in therapy. All of that moving around has my hips aching today. Very painful, but I'm glad this week at work should be pretty low-key. I am hoping to sit as much as possible. And then we have two more weeks and POOLS OPEN! I cannot wait to get in the water. My new swim suit came (from target, and it fits perfectly!) And I'm ready for that. I want to add exercise back in, but don't want my hips to hurt like they do. I do think that by the end of this I will not have gained any weight. we are being very vigilant, and once I can add exercise back in, I know we'll get even better. 

For me? That is huge. Food and weight rules me, but I'm learning how strong I am, and how I can control my body, and this is going to be great going into the future. 

Some other things -- last night baby girl changed her moving. It was less like kicks, and more like I could feel her shifting around. I think she's getting bigger and I can really feel her movement now. Well over a pound now, she is a force to be reckoned with! This morning she kicked my side and I felt it on my arm! And she is also kicking my butt. I know that's weird? I thought it was gas, but I'm pretty sure it's actually her. So she's a moving baby. There are still slow times, and I tell her to wake up baby, let me know you're okay. And she usually does. And when she hears her daddy's voice she stops moving entirely and listens. Then when he stops talking she goes nuts. 

It's amazing, that she is such a little person already. :) 

Yesterday my mom and I started planning out the nursery. I think it's going to be cute. Pink, purple and gray with carousel horses! And now all I need furniture-wise is a changing table. Which should be pretty easy to find to match the room (white). 

I love this little girl so much. I want her so badly, and I am so eager for everything to go okay. So, prayers are going up constantly for her to make it here healthy and happy. 

Oh, another thing! I FOUND A BABYSITTER! Ahhhhh. Sooooo freaking relieved. We have to go meet her and make sure everyone gets along, but we have a babysiter, she's taking one baby this fall, and we'll go part time. So my husband can stay in school and still work a day or two. it's going to be very,very tight money-wise, and we could really use some help with bills, but she is affordable enough that we can do two days a week, and maaaybe three if something changes by then (i.e. I get a raise). 

So, things are falling into place. <3 Therapy is also helping me see that I can be happy. I don't have to be sad to make things have a positive outcome. I don't have that kind of control, so I'm trying to just let go, have faith, pray, and love this child. 

-Emily

Monday Morning Check-In @ 23 weeks

Alright, we have made it to viability, or at least as close as possible.

Huge. Massive. Intense. INSANE. Deep breath and sigh of relief.

I know if she came right now it'd be a hit or miss situation, and we'd have problems for the rest of her life, but just knowing they'd work to save her, it makes me feel sooo much better. So, while all the prayers go up that she stays healthy and strong in there, and grows fully and comes on time, I am also sleeping a little more restfully knowing we are at that point in this pregnancy.

That being said, I was reading some horror stories of placental abruption, and freaking myself out. Stupid internet stories. It's good to be aware, but I also think it's almost time for me to shut off the web and stop worrying. At this point it can only hurt things.

Anyways, this weekend she was soo active. Dancing around and kicking her little house like she was  a ninja. Both days she was up at 4:30, again at 6:00 and off and on throughout the day. Granted, I was laying down the majority of the weekend. Today, I didn't feel her until 8:30. I'm not going to lie, it had me a little panicked.

Friday night I moved our table, and I think I pulled a muscle in my side. So that is freaking me out too. Luckily I get to go see my doctor on Wednesday, and I am hoping she will let me see her, show me she doesn't have a cord problem right now, and just make me rest easier. Sooo hopeful. She knows about my anxiety, so maybe she'll give us another sneak preview of our little one.

One thing I did realize this weekend is that even if something goes wrong I can't withhold my love from her. If she doesn't make it, then all we have to give her is this time. So I need to give her every ounce of love I can muster. And if we make it through this, she'll have it for the rest of her life, and if not, I'll know she was the most loved baby while she was with us. I know that is maybe not a super healthy mentality, but I think it's the healthiest mentality I can have with where I'm at in my anxiety and fear of things going south. If that makes any sense.

So for now, we just take it a day at a time, and see what happens. Friday and Saturday I felt very ill. Like sick, nauseous, hot, agitated. Sunday was better. Today, again, I don't feel very good. Just uncomfortable, pain going from my left rib down to my left hip. Agitated, irritated, and sleepy. I can't wait to go home and lay down and relax. I am looking forward to a short workday on Wednesday and a trip to my doctor. I am also seirously looking forward to pools opening. With the PGP hip pain I haven't been walking as much, and I can feel how that is affecting my body. I am ready for some weightless exercise.

So, keep  sending prayers if you are, and I'll keep trying to get this little bean through safely, and hoping she gives me some kick feedback today.

Also, I think she moved up this weekend, so that shift changes EVERYTHING.

Alright, a little disjointed, but glad I got a blog written. More on Wednesday.

-Em